Austrian 1544-1563 AAR: How a game of nude poker can decide the fate of a nation...
(Now with a few smileys.)
Dear Loooooord!
Mainly
in-vain(ly)
war
tore
your
four
cows.
- Unknown Austrian writer called Jesus, around ca. 1560
Many of the years preceding and following 1544 are too a high degree forgotten in the mists of time because of an accidental flooding of the corresponding section of Vienna's city library. Nontheless, while looking through this gap of history Austrian historians have been able to conclude that for some years following 1544:
1. Baden and Bavaria were vassalized.
2. War with Poland resulted in a couple of provinces added to the 2.5th Reich.
3. A new Archduke ascended on the throne, known to history as Yussuf bin-Ferdinand.
Of course, as state documents after these events has been preserved they can be told, though in shame.
The emperor... sigh, archduke... bin-Ferdinand has been called so for his friendly policies towards the Ottoman Empire. When nationalists in Vienna called for a new war to wreck havoc in Europe and pointed out they had never sun-bathed in Greece before, bin-Yussuf responded by promising them a war, but not in that direction. For instead, there seemed to be oppertunities to the west and south.
It needs little explanation to say that France was a main enemy. The thought France would go to war with Brandenburg (read other volumes regarding the reasoning behind such a war) was a thought that tickled the Arch-Sheiks head. However, such an oppertune moment never came since the Frenchies demanded a guarantee of Austrian non-aggression if they ever were to engage in north German hostilities.
Of course, with the west sealed diplomatically, the remaining option was to go south to satisfy the mountain trolls lust for sun. Venice
had been a long time ally or otherwise friendly country to Austria. It was just that in some years preceding the Archduke's current situation the Doge (why the hell would the Venetian leader insist to call himself a dog anyway?) had proposed a transfer of all Italian provinces (including the Genoan trade center) to Venice in exchange for 50 years of vassalship. Yussuf felt highly offended the Doge thought the sheikdom... err duchy of Austria would give away its citizens like that.
Soooo, having strong incentives for a completely illogical war on Venice bin-Ferdinand assessed the strategic nature of the problem. Venice had a huge god damn fleet. Venice was allied to friends of Austria that would instantly become enemies. It would be almost impossible to win such a war, and it would ruin much more than ever would be gained. The thought thrilled, and pleased Yussuf bin-Ferdinand very much!
The war was initied by an offensive from the Austrian Italy into eastern Venetian Italy. This army of an estimated 40 to 60 000 men was led by the Scottish prostitute Mac Enfield, a general with 6 fire skill. Troops were held in reserve in the mountains around Steirmark since the city of Venice could not be invaded with the Venetian fleet blocking all access, and a sizable army that could be used for a counter-attack was stationed there.
It's not exactly clear what happened next but after capturing Romagna or so the Austrian army was pushed back, and Mac Enfield was killed by "natural causes" when rejecting a proposition of too poor French knight who had long been away from home.

o Although Romagna was continued to be held after a Venetian assault was repulsed the Spanish inquisition would soon arrive.
And the inquisition did arrive, very Spanish indeed...

Sixty thousand (or less) trigger happy Spaniards landed on the shores of west Italy and immediately began to rape the cows and kill the women in the Italian countryside. The Austrians mountain trolls, seeing this it would damage their honourable moral standards if they gave up now. Hence, an all out attack on the Spaniards and their less numerous kin the Portugese were attacked, but the brave attack was repulsed. The Austrians had to retreat into the mountains of Genoa, were they after some time were defeated again and forced to flee in the direction of Milano.
The idea of retreating to Milan was not so bad if it wasn't so that the Venetians realized this would be an oppertunity to cause a total-annihilation of the Austrian army. Therefore they hurried to Milan to be able to defend the river Po when the Austrian army.
What the Venetians had not expected was that twenty thousand of hardy men and trolls from Tirols had left towards Milano some weeks earlier. They arrived before the Venetians, and a fierce battle ensued with the Venetians trying to rout bin-Ferdinand's troops before the fleeing remains of the Italy army came would catch up with them. Fortunately, they did before the reinforcements had been routed and with the arrival of 15 000 cavalry the process of killing every single Venetian was initiated.
The Venetians didn't flee because they hoped for Spanish troops to come and help them. They did... but only seven thousand delusioned Venetians remained by that time. Also, the Spaniards attempted to cross the river under heavy fire and got heavy loses before they disengaged. Now it was their turn to flee to Genoa, this time with the joint Austrian force chasing them.
However, now a point turning history would occur: The Spaniards had time to flee aboard their ships again, but, the Spanish king of sin sent out a request that a grand night at his royal luxury yacht would be held for the archduke, the Spanish king, the Portugese, and the doge.
The Spanish king had access to some fresh drugs imported from his colonies, and so a great party took place. Somewhere in the middle of the knight, the four of them started to play nude poker with some women. Now, this would not be so strange in itself, but bin-Ferdinand was exceptionally bad at this game, and quickly lost his clothes. The others now pointed out he had lost and by know had to leave the party and the half-naked women, but refuses! In his high state he said he would bet his entire French and Italian possessions next round! He did, and lost!
Thus, Spain got control over much undeserved land in Europe when the war ended. However, the government managed to stop a part of the bet and did not relinquish the French possessions for a very long time. Yussuf bin-Ferdinand was ridiculed by the populace for surrendering big without losing, and eventually he was kicked out of office (maybe).
Talk about the four cows of Europe was widespread in these times.
Later a prayer was found under an Egyptian pyramid from the anonymous poet of "Jesus". It is cited at the top of this AAR.