Conan C. Campbell, Former Captain (now chef)
Born in 1897 to a prestigious naval family, Campbell began his own naval career in 1917, shortly after graduating from the academy, in the midst of the First World War; in this environment of constant fear of being torpedoed, the young man was left a paranoid, dysfunctional wreck. However, being the son of an admiral (and the grandson of one, and the great-grandson of one, etc.), the Navy was stuck with him.
Despite his obvious incompetence, and his inability to inspire a cat to chase a mouse, the powers that be decided that he should be given a ship of his own to command; enter the Blue Lagoon, a small cruiser built in 1921. Only two months into his command, the crew had almost mutinied twice, provisions were running low (due to his insistence that he have a dinner party with the officers every night), and the ship was dangerously off-course (it had been the simple mission of transporting some supplies to the Midway from San Diego). Several months behind schedule, the Blue Lagoon finally reached its destination… and promptly crashed into the U.S.S. Red Sea, leaving both their crews marooned for almost a month.
Immediately following his removal, he was sent to act as a military attaché to a British captain in Egypt; Sir Osis of the River (a ship aptly named, due to its mission of patrolling the Nile). Even in this capacity Campbell failed miserably; the British officers, and crew, were both horrendously offended by the man’s lack of etiquette (he always drank his tea with the wrong hand). Removed from that position quickly and quietly, Campbell languished in bureaucratic positions for over a decade, when, in 1934, he was again (for some stupid reason) given command of his own ship; to no one’s surprise, the ship, often derided as Campbell’s Sloop, ran aground only one month after he took command (after the navigator of the ship was sent to the brig (what Campbell called his private bathroom) for criticizing Campbell’s command).
Now, in World War II, Campbell is back, though not in command (…yet); in his official capacity, he is the ship’s cook (command believed that due to his enormous girth and large appetite, he must be somewhat good at… something to do with food…).