Green Through and Through - A new player's Irish AAR

[alenalenalen3]

I first bought CK2 about two years ago. I utterly failed to accomplish anything of note as William the Bastard, got scared by all the game mechanics I didn't understand, and ran off to continue playing HOI. A few weeks ago I got and played EU4, soon got bored of bashing my head against the English or the French as the English or the French, and decided to try out CK2 again. Soon enough I bought 3 DLC's, and here we are.

I have, in my infinite wisdom, decided to try to take over the world (or at least Britannia... or at least Ireland) starting in the 769 start as Chief (Count) Congalach of Meath (and Dubhlinn). Hopefully this will make for an entertaining experience as I blunder my way through a game I bought when it was on sale, abandoned less than a week later after completely failing to understand how it worked, and have only come back to in the past week.

​

Truly my wisdom knows no bounds. May the single let's play I've watched guide me, for my combined game experience of about a dozen runs is less than a century.

But that’s enough about me, let’s start by looking at who I have to work with. I start as a 59 year-old Irish Chief who, after a single glance at his appearance, I am sure makes all of his money working as an 8th century Irish mall Santa. Santa seems rather respectable in comparison to literally every other random Irish count I’ve started as, explaining to children at the mall that Saint Nicholas died four centuries ago seems to have helped his diplomacy and learning.

What? He’s got the honest trait, of course he’s going to spill those beans.

His wife, Bé-Fáil mac Mael Muire, looks like she's in the middle of a satanic ritual, what with her slightly terrified facial expression and that weird symbol behind her cloaked head. She also has 20 intrigue, putting her in the top 50 intrigue characters in the entire game.

Our son and heir, Flann mac Congalach, is spectacularly unimpressive in comparison, with his highest skill being a 10 in learning. He also needs a wife, but that can come later, as the first thing I need to do is reform my council.

Sorry, I meant prepare to fire my entire council. My bishop is the only competent member of the lot, and that isn’t saying much. I replace my spymaster with my wife and pray to God she enjoys the job, because if she doesn’t I won't see it coming. I then invite a bunch of guys from other courts to replace my current guys, including two who have claims nearby.

While scrolling through laws I accidentally change Church Taxation to None, but I was debating doing that anyways so *shrugs*. I also stare at my lack of ability to change my succession laws to primogeniture until I’m feudal and internally weep, because I’m really fuzzy on how Gavelkind is going to work in practice. Oh well, I can have anxiety over that once I have more than one kid.

Then I set my ambition to improve stewardship, marry my son to a Karling for her nice stats to hopefully help offset my son’s mediocre-ness, give my soon to be ex-court chaplain the position of High Almoner in condolence (he’s my only vassal, and I want to see if the prestige mentioned in the tool-tip goes to me or not before throwing out other minor titles), send my wife off to Constantinople to study technology (as she has informed me that nobody wants to join in on a plot to kill any of my relatives in nearby counties without a lot of gold I don’t have). Following this I send my chancellor to Bréifne to fabricate a claim, set my marshal to train troops in Meath, my steward to build my legend, and my chaplain to schmooze with the Pope (for lack of better things to do).

Short-term, I want to take over Ireland and become feudal ASAP so I can check becoming more than a petty king off my list and stop fretting about succession. Long term, the world awaits. I am expecting to duel the Norse over Britain though, which should be fun as I've never been on the giving or receiving end of a raid before.

And then I unpause.

In two weeks, I manage to reorganize my entire council. Of course, my son is a bit pissed he got fired, so I decided to placate him by making him my designated regent. You know, in case someone was wondering if my adult heir needed permission to be my heir in my absence. My new council looks like this:

For almost five months absolutely nothing happens. Then on June 4, there was a terrible accident at the mall, and Santa's poor neck couldn't take it.

Huh. I wonder if it's an ill-omen that my starting character didn't live past the opening post.

And so ends the reign of my first character, who even the game agrees didn't really do much. Farewell Irish mall Santa, you shall be remembered more for your beard than anything you ever did in life. Hopefully your son will accomplish more...

 

[alenalenalen3]

To be bluntly honest, I made a mistake and left my computer open when I went to go watch Jeopardy, causing the game to crash. I had to replay from my quick save on January 1 like a dozen times to get Irish mall Santa to shuffle off the mortal coil in a timely fashion, eventually managing to become depressed and commit suicide so that the timeline was roughly preserved. I have changed autosave to monthly to avoid this in the future.

I am now this man:

I proceed to rehire all my advisors, and hand out some minor title like candy so that they like me. Turns out the only person with a positive opinion of Chief Flann is his mother, even his wife is somewhat ambivalent about him. Upon further examination of succession, I'm rather ambivalent about him myself. If he died tomorrow, his heir is a relative who owns the other half of the Duchy of Mide, so I'm honestly hoping to die without kids so that I don't have to go fight those neighbors.

Anyways, although her husband may be dead and gone, Mrs. Claus brought presents:

This also happened in 770 and 771. Each time it gave me economic points, so I now have all but one of the level 1 economic techs, and have started building a shipyard in Meath. Soon the pagans (or possibly Muslims) will fear the Irish Vikings! Irish Santa might have brought all the good little boys and girls presents, but his son shall only bring devastation!

Forgive me Lord, but I cannot purchase buildings with Piety. Proud it is. In case you are wondering about the fighting up in Britain, there's two different wars being fought over Northumberland, as well as a revolt going on, so that's a mess.

My shipyard finishes in March of 772. Now we just have to wait for my galleys to be built and I can start looting. In 774 my chancellor dies, which is fine by me as he's failed to fabricate me any claims, and that's about the only reason for his existence. Thankfully, with a small bribe I'm able to invite a man with 20 skill in diplomacy. Hopefully he can "discover" some documents that reveal I should own some of that land next door.

In February of 775, my shipyard finishes building it's tenth boat. That's not enough for my entire levy, but it's enough for the 800-odd men from Meath to get where they're going, and I'm a bit leery about my ability to support both my full levy and the boats with my tiny income. So, time to pick my target.

I decide to be ironic and go raid the Vikings. I set off for and strike the coast of Norway, realize I've done my math wrong and the defenders outnumber me by like 12 men, and return home ASAP so I stop loosing gold so quickly.

Truly the Irish Vikings are the most fearsome enemy to behold. However, no one really expected Chief Flann to actually return with a single gold coin, so this causes rather a lot of excitement among the Irish:

After glancing at how much my levy is costing me, I really need to get more cash before I can effectively raid. I dismiss my levy for now and plot on who I need to steal from. In the meantime, King Karl of France destroys a Germanic holy place.

Unfortunately for my plans, my wife gets pregnant:

However, I evidently think she's been cheating on me, as I obviously plan on transferring my soul to my relative to the west on my death. Maybe that'll give me the oportunity to disinherit him/her or something, I don't know. Maybe it'll be a girl and it won't matter anyways?

...Unfortunately, the event to hire someone to find out costs 5 gold, and I do not have 5 gold to spare.

January of 776 rolls around, and I cast my gamble. I raise my full levy and head off for Morocco. Or at least that was the plan, before I realized that apparently they were Catholic already. So I'm going to have to go even further into the Mediterranean to get at a good target, and I set my sights on Ibadi Muslims in Libya and Algeria. I hope this goes well, I only have the cash for 11 months of fighting.

Unfortunately, my wife picks the worst time ever to feel gloomy.

I'd like to pick up the kind trait, but the treasury cannot afford to risk 5 gold. Then my marshal dies, so I replace him with a 21 skill guy from Germany.

My daughter is born, and with her I lose my chance of dying and inheriting a duchy. Oh well, I'll just have to fabricate on him. Also, the game wants me to name her after her spymaster grandmother. Fortunately for the little girl, I will not be naming my child anything that looks like "Be Fail". I shall call her... Susan. Very soon afterwards I got an event telling me that my wife had visions of angels leading my daughter to glory. While nice, I sure wish the angels were leading me to piles of gold.

I came this close to going bankrupt. I called it a day in Algiers after looting the city and the fort, and returned back to Ireland. When I was halfway there I got a notification that my chancellor finally found those ancient family documents that showed I was the rightful ruler of Breifne, which cost me 7 gold. With 4 gold in my coffers (and loosing 4.5 gold a month), my fleet arrived back home with loot:

YES! I think I made perhaps 20 gold when the cost of both raids were put together, but more importantly I learned that the norse don't have anything worth taking and the Muslims do. As the summer of 777 approaches, I have money, an army fresh off victory, and a neighbor to mug for his land.​

 

[alenalenalen3]

I immediately dismiss my levy, double check to make sure the guy over the hill hasn't allied with the pope or something in my absence, and immediately declare war on him. My 1200 men march on his 500 men, and the predictable ensues. I also get 100 prestige for apparently kicking ass, which is nice. I spend this prestige immediately on a weaponsmith. I then let the remains of the enemy army run off, they're smaller than my garrisons so there isn't any point in delaying my siege. Then about 300 troops who've heard about how awesome I am (evidently the guys from the Norse raiding party did nothing but come up with bullshit stories of what I did in Norway to try and compete with the guys who came back with 75 gold from North Africa. They probably think I challenged Beowulf to a swimming contest or something). They want to fight someone within a year, so I leave them where they start to await a fight against the retreating enemy army. Despite being outnumbered 4 to 3, they win because they're hyped up on tales of my dragonslaying, while the enemy is just coming off getting its ass kicked. This is then repeated, and I decide to keep these guys and move them to join my siege stack.

Then my rather good chaplain dies, and I get a new one (along with a bonus to diplomacy for some reason). His name is Fath, which I think is rather sad because if you're going that far you might as well go all the way and call yourself Faith. I win my siege, and immediately ransom back the three family members my opponent can afford before ending the war in victory. I release the rest because I don't care about them. Now with 120 gold, I feel like it's a beautiful time to go raid again. I set off to go raid Algiers again, as I only did half the job last time.

The Irish are coming! I loot the hell out of the two remaining holdings in Algeria, then move on to the east to Tripoli, which while part of a larger realm is busy fighting some other... Muslims I think in a holy war. Either way my coffers are down 30 gold and my boats can hold 100 more, so its off to Tripoli.

About 300 enemy troops try to interfere, and the RNG strikes:

I almost immediately abandon the siege and head back towards Ireland, but before I can return the game decides I can't have nice things.

My mother/grandmother the spymaster takes over as regent (twice, once after the injury and again after death). Ah well, she's competent at diplomacy.

And so Chief Flann managed to eclipse his father by lasting one entire update longer than him. My fleet returning puts me at 113 gold, making this raid a net loss of 7 (you know, aside from killing my character). Algeria seems to be the maximum economical raiding range for me at the moment, the boats just cost too much to keep in business.

Also, because I'm 2 and have like no diplomacy and haven't ruled for long, most of my council dislikes me.

Oh, and at 2 Susan's only noteworthy trait is that she's a hunchback. Ah well, maybe next update I'll manage to kill off my two-year old character on accident.

 

[alenalenalen3]

One thing I noticed: during Mall Santa's reign, you appointed your wife as spymaster. For future reference, the way your State Intrigue (or any State Attribute for that matter) is calculated goes like this: [Your Attribute Score] + [1/2 Your Spouse's Attribute Score] + [Your Councilor's Attribute Score]. Basically, you, your spouse, and your councilor added together. The reason I mention this is if you appoint your spouse as a councilor, the game only counts their stat ONCE, not as both spouse and councilor. In short, no matter how good your spouse is in any given stat, it is always better to appoint someone else to the council position so you get their stats added to your spouse's. Technically regents are calculated in a similar way, so awarding either your spouse OR a councilor the regency is also not the optimal solution, but frankly during a regency there are more pressing concerns (like surviving) to keep in mind and as long as you avoid a regency giving a fickle councilor the title for an opinion boost may be worth it anyway.

tl;dr: don't appoint spouses to the council, no matter how much they want to work. Man or woman, their place is in the home! Or commanding troops, if they have a knack for it (or you'd like a "battlefield divorce" )

Good to know.

The next event that occurs informs me that my uncle always brightens up my day. As he as currently at court just south of Verdun and I'm in Ireland, I'm not quite sure what's going on. Maybe those angels my mother saw are aiding his commute.

That's my mother, by the way. I have absolutely no clue what marrying off my mother to the Picts would do towards my reign, but none of my ideas are good. So the answer is no. Sorry Mom, you had your one chance at happiness. The Picts request this a few times, and I deny it each time.

Shia rises in late 780. Good for them, the more Muslims for me to raid, the better. Hopefully the Umayyads will fragment so I can dare to hit their former holdings, but not until after they've converted some people to Islam. Algeria is the only good raiding target I can find, and it's still recovering from my last visit. I wait until late 781, by which point it's 90+% recovered, and then the Irish Vikings dust off their trusty longboats galleys. I started out with 128 gold in my pockets, let's see how much I end with. Oh, and hopefully my bishop and marshal won't die while commanding the flanks like I did.

A wandering army kicks my ass, but they were only passing through and I immediately resume my siege. Thankfully I only lost like 50 men and nobody important died or was maimed, so I'm counting it as a victory.

As Susan's first raid has had a troubled start, the regent (who is actually my mother, my grandmother apparently only took over while her son was still alive) decides that Susan needs a guardian. I choose my chancellor, and all of a sudden my council has a positive opinion of me. I guess they don't trust six year-olds to command the realm without a guardian, who would have guessed?

My guardian is apparently filling my head with all kinds of nonsense. Within a week I get an event saying that I'm going to 'be the bestest ruler ever' when I grow up and pick up the ambitious trait. *Glances at father and grandfather* Sure you are little Susan, sure you are.

… Oops. Apparently looting isn't the completely renewable resource I thought it was. In any case the loot brings me up to 133 gold... me thinks raiding isn't working out, these boats are just too damn expensive. That's a total profit of 5 gold between when I raised and disbanded my levy, which means I lost gold on the raid and only gained more gold thanks to my holdings. With a heavy heart the Irish Vikings hang up their coats and wait for better opportunities. I use what gold I have to upgrade my hillfort and take my first step towards feudalism.

Mrs. Claus dies in 784, though I didn't notice it at first because by this point she was obscure enough to not warrant a popup. I continue to burn prestige to upgrade my buildings.

… well this is awkward. The neighbor I'm trying to fabricate on is fabricating on me. Can't let that happen, I'm fairly certain I can't claim land in a defensive war. Unfortunately for my neighbor, his chancellor dies mysteriously while trying to generate a war with Susan. Susan, who on a completely unrelated note has just picked up the cruel trait, had absolutely nothing to do with this, no-sir-ee.

The Picts send another marriage request, this time asking for a random courtier who became of age literally three days ago. I say yes, because she doesn't have any skills I need.

My neighbor sends another chancellor to fabricate on me, and he meets his end in the same way as the first. Before this gets even further out of hand though, my chancellor finally comes through.

Mwahahaha! By taking Cill Dara, I will have 3/4 of a duchy, which will eventually allow me to press for the de jure claim for the other province of the duchy. Time to kick some ass! I declare war, form my 2k strong doomstack, and move to siege Cill Dara. My opponent moves to siege Meath, but I take his capital before he can take my capital. I then move to kick his army off my capital, then return back to take his church. Since the AI is being annoying and not understanding when it's beaten, I backtrack again to kick his army off Meath, and the AI finally admits defeat.

I then run into a problem: I'm too poor to create a Duchy. Great. I look at Morocco longingly and pray to God that the Catholics there will be converted so I can steal all their gold. At the moment I'll need to wait over a decade to be able to create a Duchy.

I have an opportunity to kill my regent by pushing her off a balcony. Because of course I want to kill my mother when I'm three years away from inheriting the kingdom anyways. There is something deeply wrong with this family. I choose no and pick up piety... which I'm not sure what to do with.

I stop taking claims from my chancellor. I need the money to form a Duchy.

Then several things happen in quick succession. I get more economic tech points, my new western neighbor fabricates against me despite me outnumbering him almost 3 to 1, and I learn that my mother is probably skimming off the treasury. The last is the most important one, in these times where every bit of gold is so precious, I honestly consider stealing from the treasury to be a greater crime than treason. That bastard, I should have pushed her off the balcony when I had the chance.

My marshal dies, all hail the new marshal. I also replace my spymaster with a newer model.

The great day finally arrives! All hail Chieftess Susan! Now I have to figure out whether I want to marry and chance having kids at all or whether I should just die childless so my spirit transfers to someone who owns two additional counties. Decisions, decisions...

 

[alenalenalen3]

Now first things first: I set my ambition to get married and immediately get married for the piety. I'm not sure what I can even spend the piety wrong, but better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Next I move on to the most important part of marriage: Choosing a husband.

Marry matrilineal to another Irish chief if you can, or one of his relatives. Easy way to take over land.

A beautiful idea. It's a good thing Susan's father and grandfather made a point of bringing in a few claimants into the court, and there is a man who will do beautifully for a matrilineal marriage:

Fergal is in his forties and Susan is 16, which is gross, but we all know that all I want out of this equation is someone who will give Susan a kid or two before conveniently dying (I might have to imprison him to help this along... he's got 2 fertility bonuses). The two counties he has a strong claim to will allow me to form another Duchy. Soon enough Susan gets pregnant, and on December 4, 795:

Now I'm sure that if Paradox did their research right, Derborgaill is a perfectly fine Irish name, but I'm not naming any child something I'd have to ask my brother how to pronounce. Now that the pregnancy is over, Susan goes to be reintroduced to church and sees angels carrying her daughter in a stained glass window. I'm honestly not sure if this is an omen that Betty is going to die soon or not.

A merchant comes by and gives me a Eunuch. Is that a thing merchants did back in the day, just wander through town and leave a guy with the countess in thanks? Does he even speak Irish?

Fergal then goes and has a bastard with one of my courtiers. *Rubs hands* Whelp, now I have grounds for getting rid of him once he gives me a son, at least in my head if not in the game.

A relative through marriage dies, giving me a causus belli against this man over a county north of Paris:

I think I'll pass. However, my western neighbor died, ending my truce with him about a year early. I declare war and send in the troops to take the last province in the Duchy of Mide. This leads to a dual between 22 year old Susan and a 48 year old bishop. I press it since Susan has 15 higher personal combat score, and she brutally wounds him in battle. Ah, the 8th century, back when young Irish girls dueled bishops to take over their land.

Even better, I captured said bishop and immediately ransomed him and another guy I captured back. My opponent, Chief Gorman, surrenders, and I have enough cash from ransoming his men to do this:

Huh, did I accidentally make a Narnia expy? I better stay away from wardrobes in the future. Eh, it's good to be the (petty) queen.

Hm. Nothing terrible happened (to me) in this post or the last one. In fact, I managed to accomplish a big step towards becoming the true queen of all Ireland. Something terrible must be lurking in the wings...

 

[alenalenalen3]

You married the Bad-Touch Uncle who still "hangs with the kids" because they "think he's cool" (according to himself) for buying them alcohol. I picture Fergal like a medieval Matthew McConaughey from Dazed and Confused.

Fortunately he's having an affair with a just, lustful courtier only three years younger than him, so she should keep him in line and in an age-appropriate bed.

I up my tribal organization to Low to take yet another step towards feudalism.

What the hell? If my garden has become so overgrown someone got lost for two days then I say that's grounds for criminal negligence on my gardener's part. Where is the option to throw my gardener into the dungeon for this? I demand that he be held accountable! Susan is a brawny hunchback fresh off brutally maiming a man in a duel on the battlefield, she shouldn't have to do her own damn gardening!

See? Although I do have the slight problem of not having any fights I can get into though.

Oh god, my gardener was a serial killer who lured their victims into the hedge maze and killed them at the 'dead ends'. If Susan ever gets her brawny hands on that gardener, well... she does have the cruel trait. On the bright side, all this gardening fulfilled the ambition to improve her stewardship, so I switch to improve martial ability since Susan seems to enjoy leading from the front.

Then, as the 8th century comes to a close, God's grace shines down on me.

I mean sure, this would be terrible if there weren't 13 living relatives of my dynasty, but I feel safe and with a daughter my line of succession is assured. Plus, all the other trait options are terrible.

Can't imagine anything bad coming around the bend, this game is well known for it's happy-go-lucky, orderly, peaceful playthroughs. Pretty sure they almost called it My Little Crusader Kings: Friendship is Magic 2 and only shortened it for extra oomph.

I think you meant Friendship is Vikings.

In any case, the event troops despawn when I don't have anyone for them to fight and I lose prestige. Then a week later my chancellor finds more documents detailing land I own. Susan almost takes out her cruelty on him before her ambitious side focuses on the war to win. I declare war on my 15 year old neighbor and march over 2000 troops on his lands. This war just drags on and on because my opponent will not surrender, and I keep having to chase down his army until its too small to siege any of my land. On the bright side, all the prisoners I capture are able to support my army through ransom until the enemy is small enough for me to support myself through looting. Then:

Ah well, a son would be nice too. Anyways, my opponent eventually caves, and I remember I have claims that my husband has to the south, but only once I see that:

 

[alenalenalen3]

I check and there aren't any candidates for a matrilineal marriage that would give me claims anywhere in Ireland, so I choose someone with maluses to fertility and stats that offset areas that Susan isn't good in. The lucky winner is:

His low diplomacy is problematic, but there were very few passable candidates at this time. I also loose prestige because there literally aren't any people I can marry who aren't courtiers.

All my neighbors raise their levies to go fight the Danes, who are apparently invading England. Nobody invited Queen Susan to the party though, so I decide to get revenge on Tripolitania and dust off the longboats.

I finally have a successful raid under my belt! There is much rejoicing, unless you live in Tripolitania, where you had a very unpleasant time when Susan lost control of her troops once they learned they couldn't fit any more loot onto the boats. I use the influx of cash to upgrade my hillfort again.

To my south, King Congal finally kicks the bucket, allowing me to press my daughter's claim on his former land. I raise the troops and march! This war takes an annoying amount of time because my opponent doesn't give up until I've taken everything they had for some reason. Betty is now a chieftess and has gained the 'Usurper' title.

Time passes, a writer writes a family chronicle, more event troops get disappointed that I don't have a war going on around the time they spawn, and Northumberland/Scotland continues to be a clusterfuck of fighting. More event troops spawn. One of my courtiers decides his wife should depart this world sooner, and Susan isn't having any of that. He's now enjoying the dankest prison cell she can find. When he complains, it's into the oubliette.

Betty turns 16, and I matrilineally marry her off to the best available candidate. Gosh you really don't have much of a choice when it comes to matrilineal marriages. Ah well, I'm only a few decades away from being able to form the kingdom of Ireland, so marriage claims aren't that important.

Susan looses her ambitious trait because being a petty queen is apparently just as cool as the full deal, which means I go over my demesne limit. Then:

HERESY! HERESY!

It gets even worse. In 813 this bastard decides to try and off me (and two of my neighbors ally, but they're one province counts so I don't care, I could squash them if I had a CB)

Bastard! Unfortunately, not enough people want to kill him for me to be able to off him myself, and a sternly worded letter won't do it. Thankfully, nobody seems to be joining in on his scheme, and if Susan dies I'd just be moved to Betty, who has a CB I need anyways.

Finally, in 815 I manage to fabricate on another western neighbor. Funny thing though:

Their ruler is imprisoned in my dungeon. You know that courtier who tried to murder his wife? This is him, he inherited the realm while sitting in my oubliette. I release him with a note saying I'm at war with him and kick him across the border.

I missed the screenshot, but the pope sends me a strongly worded letter about how I'm not handling my heretic problem. Huh, I thought it was just a flavor message that increased revoltrisk, turns out I need to bring my chaplain back to show the heretics the true way.

The war goes smoothly, but somehow the last province in my future new duchy is at war with me after I annex my newest territory. Ransoms once again support me through unexpectedly protracted hostilities. Once I win that defensive war I hand out three counties to loyal council members so that I fall back under my demesne limit.

Susan's second husband died unexpectedly in 816, and I managed to find an Irishman with claims willing to matrilineal marriage!

Soon after I manage to successfully fabricate on my neighbour to the south. The war is swift, and now all that is standing between me and forming Ireland is money and 2 provinces.

It's the same guy everytime, and he comes round a lot...so not really sure what his deal is.

The husband died so presumably your daughter just inherited. Bascially that's good, but since she has her own court now you'll have no control over her or her education/marrige etc. Potentially problematic if you have another child though.

Recommend you stick to one main title (so one duchy when a duke etc. So the whole realm goes to one heir even if your personal lands get split up.

He didn't actually own anything when he died. Betty only inherited his claims.

 

[alenalenalen3]

Yeah, it's one of the only ways to combat heresy. The other ways are hoping the Pope deals with it (either by sending you money or sending agents to convert the province) or being a high ranking member of a religious order that lets you convert the county back. So yeah, send the chaplain because his only other use is improving cultural tech, which you should do by stealing tech from Constantinople anyway.

I found my own way to combat heresy this update...

Pictland soon invades and takes over Ulster. I take this as a sign that the Irish need a great ruler from humble origins to unite them to combat this new threat. I doubt the Picts will stop at Ulster after all. Thus, Queen Susan, daughter of a chief who's most notable aspect was being an 8th century Irishman who died in North Africa, and granddaughter of Irish mall Santa, has her ambition changed to become Queen of Ireland.

While searching around for ways to go to war for the final province I need, I discover that Susan has a granddaughter.

I'm sorry Derby, I wasn't able to save you from the fate of a name I can't pronounce. I assign her to her mother as guardian, as Betty has a nice combination of good traits and good stats I hope she passes on.

Then the Danes invade Pictland, and the Irish levies once more rise without inviting me to go off and fight the Danish menace. The Irish were fighting the invading Picts not three months ago but the second a Dane set foot on Pict soil they were all more than happy to go help the Picts. Man, the Irish must be pretty swell guys to do this, are they Europe's Canadians? However, it is all for naught and Denmark is now well established in Britain:

I guess it now falls into the hands of the Irish to unite themselves and the rest of Britain against this new(er) menace! But first, I need to unite Ireland. The two independent counties in my 2 de jure duchy's refuse to vassalize themselves to me because their rulers consider themselves (petty) kings and queens, on par with the mighty Queen Susan herself. I think they are lunatics, but without a CB I can't do anything about it, and I don't want to waste money usurping their titles when I need the cash to form Ireland. God smiles down upon Susan, for less than a month after the Danes take over Pictland, my chancellor manages to find those old family documents showing I own a province to the south.

What would I ever do without these old family documents? I'm sure if I look hard enough I can find one that labels the Mediterranean the 'Irish Sea' or prove that Irish settlers from Meath founded India. What is this out of Africa theory, everyone knows that mankind arose from Mide!

Anyways, I declare war, smash the enemy army, and then the HERETICS rise up in Dubhlinn! They do me the favor of finishing off the enemy army, and as my forces were already gathered to deal with my enemy to the south I utterly smash the heretics in battle. Susan gets a little disturbed by all the death, but puts the blame on the enemy commander and sets off to fight him (she might be a terrible military leader, but she is deadly in personal combat). She doesn't find him though, the battle ends and the revolt is put down. Chaplain Colman is sent a strongly worded letter advising him to proselytize faster or face Queen Susan's big, meaty, hands. Had this revolt come at another time I would have found it difficult to match their numbers (a good quarter of my personal forces are from Dubhlinn, and it is hard to raise them effectively when a 4k strong stack is sitting on their province).

Susan's forces head back south and the province is taken, but not before Susan again loses control of her troops in the sacking. This is like the third time, people really don't listen to Susan on the battlefield unless it's her sword that is doing the talking. I give the province to a random Irish in-law to keep myself under the demesne limit.

I then discover that to form Ireland I need to control 2 duchy's, so I go ahead and usurp form one more (I only have one heir after all), and wait for my money to recover. I also discover I now have enough power/influence/whatever to do this:

Excuse me? Susan is the woman who's army destroyed much of Algeria, she who wounded a bishop in a duel for his land, and is a damn Queen and the future ruler of all Ireland, she deserves to be referred to as such. This asshole just picked two of her random traits out of the bag to call her. I swear the only reason I'm not busy fabricating on the county he is in so that I can imprison him in my oubliette is that he at least didn't start with "To the naïve, appeasing hunchback Susan".

Another asshole starts plotting against Susan, but since he's in my court I'm lenient about it since it only takes a strongly worded letter to make him stop.

Time passes, my spymaster gets caught for the first time (I've been having a lovely time teching up with all the Byzantine advances, I have every level 1 tech and 6 level 2's). I get a newer model from France, give him a random courtier as a wife to keep him happy, and send him off as my newest 'ambassador' to Byzantium. Everyone will be expecting the Irish wife to be the spy, when in reality it is the Frankish guy who stepped foot in Ireland only long enough to pick up the wife! Truly my genius holds no bounds! He reports back with technology almost immediately.

My chaplain finally finishes reminding the people of Dubhlinn of their proper Catholic ways, and in honor the church wants Susan to spend some gold to put on a miracle play. I respond that what the Church really needs is for Susan to have enough gold to become Queen of Ireland, and she can concern herself with donations as soon as that occurs.

More event troops rise up, so I use them as a cheap method of pressing a de jure ducal claim. I only raise about a thousand of my own troops, beat down my opponent until he can't siege me, then disband my non-event troops and siege my opponent while his army literally walks in circles through my land.

His troops go north, then west, then south, then east, and then repeat. Is the grand old Duke of York commanding this foe?

In any case, he eventually gets the picture and becomes my newest vassal. Who don't pay me taxes, because I'm spending all my law changes on tribal organization... Ugh, so that war was near pointless.

I also discover that I have a grandson now, so my hopes of having three female rulers of Ireland in a row are now dashed. Ah well. His name is Eterscel mac Tewder, which is proof that Betty should never be allowed to name anything for someone who has no clue how to pronounce Irish names. I go ahead and assign him his mother as a guardian, as the game's default pick is a cynical, slothful, fat homosexual.

Then on July 20, 826, man first walked on the moo- I mean Susan celebrated her fiftieth birthday (plus or minus a month) with this:

Ah, it's good to be the Queen.

 

[alenalenalen3]

Susan soon has a fight with her chancellor, so I replace him with a scarred, clubfooted Frank. Susan probably spends long hours commiserating with him about body deformities.

Once my coffers build back up a bit, I begin my conquest of Ireland. I head west first, and my opponent raises his levy, longboats, and sails out to sea with his army. Truly a cunning strategist, he is sailing off to combine his 600 troops with 500 troops of his petty king ally in England, and together they siege my capital. As I have 3.5k troops, I simply split my army and smite him.

Seems like Susan got over her dislike of death. Despite now suffering from the effects of old age, Susan proves that though she barely knows one end of the army from the other (what with her 6 marshal skill) she certainly knows how to gut a man in under five seconds. Victory comes soon and I take the province for my own. To the southwest, the petty king of two provinces prudently accepts vassalage, though I'm saving the last province to the south to be part of my personal demesne, so I set my chancellor to fabricate on it and turn my eyes north, where both a chief and petty king accept vassalage.

Now this is how you properly talk to a queen! Also, Queen Susan of Eire's expansion does not go unnoticed:

(as a side note, this is much nicer than the annoyance of guessing my AE in EU4)

For the next 16 months, Susan is striking fear into the hearts of men everywhere! I imagine her granddaughter growing old enough to marry is what pushed her over the hurdle to a full 6% threat, especially once I almost accidentally arranged a marriage with a heretic of all people! After some thought, Cynfyn of Gwynedd is chosen for a matrilineal marriage. While he has an interesting mix of traits that make him out to be a knight errant (he's an honest, just, zealous, temperate, greedy misguided warrior), his most attractive trait is his claim on a coastal province in Wales (or at least what I think is Wales). I just hope he forgets his ambition to become marshal, he really doesn't have the skills for it. Okay, he has the skills, just not the raw talent.

Like three days later my chancellor comes through and finds me those family documents. I move him to an independent isle in St. George's Channel so I can begin expanding beyond Ireland later. I decide to press that claim first rather than take on the Picts in Ulster, and declare war and raise my levies, which I split in half since my opponent allied with Sussex and I need to prepare to fight off some English pansies in longboats.

The war goes as expected, half my army sieges my opponent into submission, the other half chases Englishmen across Ireland. The only problem is that I should have really built up my war chest more, my army came within a month of draining my treasury! I decide I need to wait a while to challenge the Picts for Ulster, I'll save up till I have about a hundred gold.

Betty has another daughter. Her name is Failenn. I also set her up to tutor under Betty, who has since become depressed. Hopefully this will help her feel better now that her daughter isn't automatically aiming to be taught by the cynical, slothful, fat homosexual. (It does, at some point int he next few years she loses the trait)

One of my vassals earlier was claiming on that last province I wanted, and I imprisoned him so that his claim wouldn't interfere with my war, and foolishly let him out after I'd taken the province. He immediately went back to his old ways, this time fabricating on my - erm, I mean Susan's personal property. Since he would not take no for an answer and nobody would join in a plot to kill him, King Feirgil of Mumu was righteously imprisoned and became the first person I've - erm, I mean Susan has executed.

Some of my vassals send troops on a suicide mission over in England, and I shake my head. If they didn't want to lose against 2 thousand men they should have asked Queen Susan and her 4 thousand men to intervene.

On May 1, 834, I take advantage of the fact that Britain is in utter chaos to make my move on Ulster. Okay, since the Picts aren't actually involved in the fighting I'm more taking advantage of the 100 gold in my coffers.

Pictured: the fustercluck that is Britain:

This war goes fantastically well, as the Picts only seem to have a single galley and insist on landing their armies in increments of one hundred that I absolutely slaughter.

Pictured: We who are about to die, are pointlessly wasting our lives:

Unfortunately, King Tarla II of Pictland won't give up Pictland until Susan pries it from his cold, dead hands. I march across the channel and lay siege to his other holdings. I get some event troops who have heard about how legendary Queen Susan is, and eventually siege all my opponent's non-island holdings. This war would have been quite expensive, but early on I ransom a guy for 70 gold which leaves me sitting pretty. At some point during this conflict, Queen Susan gains the epithet of 'the nun' while leading the siege of Durham. I'm sure there's a logical explanation for that fact, but I'm not quite sure what it is. In September of 835, King Tarla finally sees reason and the Kingdom of Eire is complete.

Then on December 22, Queen Susan successfully brings her tribal organization up to the maximum, and enacts reforms that push the newly-born Irish kingdom into the age of Feudalism. She also discovers that she's been a great-grandmother for three years through Derby (a lovely girl named Flann), and threatens to eviscerate anyone who doesn't tell her about things like this.

 

[alenalenalen3]

My first action now that Feudalism has been declared is to begin reorganizing my realm. Susan can only hold 6 demesne, which is bad because she now has 15. While most are cities that I plan on handing off, I need to get rid of two provinces. I decide to keep all those in the Duchy of Mide, plus Iarthar Connachta to the west and Deasmhumhain, as they have the most in taxes. I try to give Breifne away to the woman who is the proper claimant for the place, but she refuses to come to my court and thus loses her rightful inheritance. None of the claiments for Laigin want to come to court either. I start handing them and the various cities I have to random people in my realm - excluding my chancellor, who is childless and has relatives in France. Crown authority is raised to low, hopefully Betty or her son will be able to change succession to primogeniture.

My problems start with my largest vassal in the south: High Chief Conlang. The guy hates my guts for being forced to swear fealty to me and believes the two provinces to his east are rightfully his and starts fabricating on one of them. I try to righteously imprison him, but it fails and he revolts. I raise my levy, which to my disappointment is only half the size it was when I was a tribe (but hey, I actually have enough income to not lose cash by simply raising the troops now!). Its still enough to smash his army, and I split my forces to siege/whittle away at the enemy army. I also get a lot of prisoners to ransom back. The revolt ends on Christmas of 837. Unfortunately, executing Conlang is not an option, as that would be viewed as 'tyrannical'. I decide that leaving him to die in prison is fine by me.

Remembering her mother's earlier tirade about not being informed when she became a great-grandmother, Betty greets Queen Susan's return with a single word: Fine.

Time passes. In other news, Francia has expanded slightly into Spain, Bulgaria ate the western half of Serbia, and Denmark owns most of Finland. My vassals once more march to defend against an invasion of England. Why is it no one invites me to these things? This time it is the Cornish invasion.

The inevitable finally happens on September 4, 840.

Wow, the game makes one last crack at Queen Susan as she slips into the beyond...

And slaps me with a -90% to my Demesne levy. What the hell CK2? Is this because I had the gaul to give Betty a county? Well lesson learned, none of my descendants get any land until they are out of the immediate line of succession. On the bright side, Betty has a retinue I've inherited. Then when I give Betty's county away due to demesne limit, some assholes wanting me to lower crown law revolt. I can raise all of 489 troops from my vassals to supplement my 0 from my own demesne plus my retinue.

If I hadn't just inherited a bunch of gold from Betty's coffers, I'd be screwed. As it is, I hire the Saxon band and prepare to go all out. How dare they revolt mere days after Queen Susan's death!

Betty gets stressed from all of this. I put down the revolt on February 14, 842, and my marshal dies the next day. To spite the rebels, I increase crown authority to medium. I also ransom Conlang to himself because he's worth almost 150 gold. I increase my retinue with the gold.

Then Betty falls ill and contracts pneumonia.

Ahh, so I guess Susan was the exception that proves the rule that I can't have nice things without suffering. On the bright side, I've managed to up crown authority to high within 10 years of converting to feudalism, so all Eterscel has to do is learn how to make friends and influence people, survive a decade, and have a kid.

 

[alenalenalen3]

Eterscel begins to take stock of his kingdom. First off, he needs an heir, and he needs it now. If he dies, a duchy and two counties are going to go to his sisters Failenn and Fine... which is problematic because his current heir is his sister Derby. I immediately marry him off to a woman with fairly good stats, but more importantly she has a fertility bonus. I set his ambition to have a son, and his wife conveniently sets hers to have a daughter.

I examine and find out that I can press a claim for the entire kingdom of Asturias. If I had the same numbers as when I was tribal, I would jump at this chance. As things currently are, I think I need to build up my economy/military while I try for claims on England and Wales.

I knew releasing Conlag was a bad idea. He is trying to push Princess Failenn (henceforth known as Failing) as a better ruler. Soon the sloth, fat, homosexual joins in. Thankfully, my recovering levy and retinue outnumber them so they just simmer for now.

Queen Sunigilda has a daughter, ending the succession crisis (for now). The game defaults to wanting to name the child Betty... Which I'm going to make a hard pass on. Queen Betty's reign was marked by nothing but a revolt and her own death, if we are naming children after relatives then she's definitely going to be Susan II. However, I'm going to see if I can spread the Narnia luck Queen Susan had and name her Lucy.

My chancellor comes through and fabricates on the island of Anglesey. It is well developed and somewhat isolated from the rest of Britain, a perfect target. I decide to wait a few years to press my claim so I can build up my military and cash reserve (in case I need to hire mercenaries).

Then Conlang makes the mistake of trying to fabricate again. Righteous imprisonment once more fails and the drums of war beat in Ireland again. Queen Sunigilda becomes pregnant from the night prior to her husband leaving the castle to join the forces gathering to smite the filthy Conlang (who, by the way, has had his only vassal imprisoned for at least a decade).

Pictured: The typical daily situation of the Second Conlang rebellion.

I ransom back people to help offset the cost of this war (including one bishop at least twice), but this time there will be no sparing Conlang from the oubliette if I capture him, no matter the funds he manages to procure.

Queen Sunigilda gives birth to a son. Knowing how successful Queen Susan was, there is only one possible name for him:

Eterscel's new ambition is to improve his martial ability, as it seems to come in handy the most. I suddenly notice that the owner of Conlang's province seems to have changed, and a beautiful sight awaits me:

Such a fate couldn't have befallen a better man. The rebellion ends on April 20, 846. I rejoice, until I notice that my sister Princess Derby is plotting to kill my daughter Lucy for some god-forsaken reason. What the hell could she get out of doing that? Lucy isn't going to inherit anything at the moment, and is all of 1 year old. What is wrong with my sister?

Fortunately, she comes to her senses like three weeks later and drops the plot. I breathe a sigh of relief. Princess Failing becomes of age, and after much searching a suitable match is found for her. While there were several men with more pressing claims available, they were all like thirty to forty years her senior and are probably about to drop dead anyways. The lucky man is 17, has somewhat mediocre traits, and is a claimant to the Kingdom of Pictland.

Sure he's weak and stressed, but this is his best chance of having any descendants on the throne of Pictland, and the next best option is a claimant to the Cornish throne who is 72. Besides, if he dies I can try again.

In May of 847, I decide to press my claim on the island and the drums of war beat once more. I send my troops east, and the enemy sends his troops west, though they turn around once I start sieging my opponent.

My burghers cry out that their normal taxation rate is draining them dry. I flatter them and soothe them with vague promises that their taxes might go down after the war is over. I capture the enemy king, and rather than end the war I squeeze 145 gold out of my opponent. I capture him again a month later and the war ends.

Sunigilda becomes pregnant again, hopefully with a girl. Unfortunately it turns out to be a boy, so he is named Edmund for the danger he represents.

Like a year later, the previous petty king I fought dies and I'm able to press a second claim on his successor. The war lasts until 852, and I wait a few more months for the all important year of 853. You see, Betty died in early 853, meaning that her son has reigned for 10 years in that year. As a side note, Sunigilda becomes pregnant again right after the war ends. Man, Eterscel is frisky. A daughter is born, and I name her Susan, because now I can have the four Pevensie children, if not in the right order.

So, Eterscel only needs to get approval to change laws to primogeniture, and effectively neuter my budding succession crisis. Unfortunately, quite a few people dislike me. Fortunately, there is a simple solution: I hand out money like free candy and hand out two of my counties (unfortunately including one in Mide, but it was the least developed), leaving me 1 under my desmene limit. Unfortunately my last vassal is that asshole Conlang's successor... who is imprisoned in my dungeon and hates my guts. So I banish him, hand his successor some money, and unfortunately have to label him my designated regent to get the last 8 opinion without giving up another county.

BOOM!

I can hear the angels singing! It is May 7, 853, and God has shined down upon Ireland. To be honest my fallback was to simply raise all my levies, gather them together, then imprison/execute my way into reclaiming all of Ireland, changing the law, and then handing out the land to my surviving courtiers.

Some factions start building against me, so I decide to hold a grand tournament and hope that this appeases everyone. Two of my courtiers are killed and a third maimed... I think I shall skip this event in the future. I desperately start upgrading my holdings to increase my levy, which randomly shrank again.

My sister Fine then pesters me about how she isn't married yet, and I find the perfect man:

He's single, he's looking for love, and he has a weak claim on the petty kingdom of Dyfed (those three pale provinces). Unfortunately, once I marry him I learn that I can't press the claim for some reason, so I just wasted that marriage. To make matters worse, the marriage to the guy who had claims on Pictland amounts to nothing because Pictland (excepting 1 island) got eaten by Denmark and I'm not going to poke that bear without one hell of a stick.

In related news, I'm getting extremely nervous about Denmark. They own everything in Britain north of Wales, Denmark, almost all Norway, and bits of what is modern day Russia near Finland. I'm fairly certain that I need to use my Pevensie children to secure an alliance with Francia to counter the Danish menace, as well as gain claims on the remaining areas in southern England and Wales. Strong claims, or whatever kind of claim actually allows me to press it with a matrilineal marriage.

May God have mercy on Ireland, for I seem to have chosen a rathe poor time to expand into Britain.

P.S. Any information on how to squeeze an alliance out of a marriage would be appreciated, all I can seem to acquire are non-aggression pacts, which are utterly useless to me.
​

 

[alenalenalen3]

My asshole marshal dies. He was envious of me and was joining plots and factions left and right, so I'm not sad to see him go. I invite a guy named Pepin from France to replace him. I begin contemplating who to marry Lucy off to, and to my dismay there's a major major revolt in Francia going on and there's a two-way war over the largest remaining English kingdom. I decide to wait a little bit.

My chancellor fabricates on one of the 2 remaining independent British counts. Also, at some point Eterscel picked up the epithet "The Good". I take the province and hand it off to my spymaster because he likes me and I don't want any of my other vassals getting more powerful, after putting in much thought I've decided I need to start off with a clean slate, vassal wise. I made some mistakes in who I gave land to and I need to rectify that, and everyone else who holds land will likely be... displeased by my actions. Thankfully my plan is that I only need to make war against two of my most assholish vassals who keep trying to either lower my authority or put a sister on the throne. Once I've disposed of them and become quite hated, I'll create the remaining two duchy's in Ireland and then hand out three of the four duchy's to unlanded courtiers so that they (and my barons) are my only direct vassals, and thus the counts becomes somebody else's problem and the only dukes around hold only a single province and like me. However, I need to build up my treasury in case I need mercenaries and I need allies to cover my back against the Danes, so this endeavor is put off for the moment (and likely the next decade)

So King Eterscel dusts off one of the longboats from storage and on September 28, 861 visits the court of Emperor Pepin III 'the Drunkard' of Francia (the epithet is actually in reference to his wife, who is the drunkard of the two). Almost as soon as he arrives, Eterscel and the emperor retire to behind closed doors for almost four days of continuous discussion, only interrupted by the continuous stream of servants delivering food (Pepin may not actually be a drunkard, but he is a fat, gluttonous, big eater).

On October 1, 861, the discussions end and the emperor and king announce the marriage of Princess Lucy of Ireland to Prince Chlodomer of Francia.

Of course, what the rest of the court didn't know was that in reality, the marriage deal between Princess Lucy and Prince Chlodomer was sealed within the first ten seconds of the meeting, with Pepin III interrupting Eterscel's offer of his eldest daughter's hand in marriage by shouting "Oh God yes!" As it turns out, the rulers of Francia have fallen a bit since the likes of Karl the Great a century prior. While the ruling family is strong in diplomacy and learning, their other skills are... well they could be improved.

When the emperor has a 0 in stewardship and his wife has a 4, there is only so much that even the best councilors Francia has to offer can do, and Francia's coffers are in the negatives. Additionally, the marshal and personal combat skills of the ruling family of Francia are also rather poor (read: abysmal). So when Pepin III heard that the great-granddaughter of Queen Susan, the warrior Queen of Ireland who sacked the hell out of Algeria and Tripolitania, and once brutally injured an enemy bishop in a battlefield duel was a possible bride for his son, the emperor jumped at the opportunity.

Sure, Princess Lucy inherited her great-grandmother's poor marshal skill, did not completely inherit her personal combat prowess, and has a harelip. However, her husband to-be's knowledge of war is "Those guys shooting arrows at me are the enemy, right?", he has been banned from weapon practice for life by his tutors, and is clubfooted. It's like a slightly physically deformed match made in heaven, the harelipped great-granddaughter of a hunchback warrior queen is marrying the clubfooted great-grandson of an incapable lunatic count.

I also learn that the game seems to be going with the Narnia theme. Princess Lucy has the brave trait, so she is essentially Lucy the Valient (unless there is a valiant trait I haven't noticed). 15 year-old Prince Peter's lowest skill is an 11 in learning and has the genius trait, so I'm fairly certain that counts as Peter the Magnificent. 12 year-old Prince Edmund is craven and his intrigue skill is his second highest (only one point behind diplomacy), so that's early TLTWATW Edmund accounted for (I'll need to watch him like a hawk). Princess Susan is all of 8 and only has the honest trait, but I'm certain she'll pick up the traits to become gentle at this rate.

But if the marriage was decided so soon, then what was all the discussion about?

The two realms of Ireland and Francia face two very different enemies. To the Irish, the most existential threat is the Danes:

(notice the holdings in Lithuania and Ostfriesland. As a side note, Denmark is also conquering Pomerania at the moment. I fear what would happen if Denmark or Sweden absorbed the other)

To Francia, it is the Musaid Caliphate, who have apparently declared a holy war on Francia over Navarra just prior to Eterscel's arrival:

(While Francia has a much larger levy, they are also currently broke and there is a civil war going on in Champaigne)

It takes much cajoling, vague promises of support, and a reminder that there is one less city in Algeria for Francia to have to worry about because of Eterscel's great-grandmother, but eventually the two realms enter into an alliance, and Eterscel sails back to Ireland in triumph. He also starts to plot to kill one of the assholes who is supporting a plot to put his sister on the throne.​

 

[alenalenalen3]

Prince Peter becomes of age, and I gaze in awe upon his final form:

My successor is tied for the 4th highest stewardship in the entire game! I won't even be mad if his ambition causes him to back a plot to murder Eterscel!

Unfortunately, I don't see any good marriage prospects for him at the moment, so I decide I might try to murder my way to open a vacancy. Of course, first I need to let my current plot against an earl who is backing a faction against me finish.

On January 25, 862, some serious shit went down:

And just like that the most dangerous faction arrayed against me lost 20% of it's supporting men, as the new earl is 2 and his regent is a relative of mine with high opinion of me.

I then discover that no one wants to join my plots to kill anyone. I change my ambition to improve intrigue (Eterscel has a 0 in that), make a note of a girl with a weak claim (that will pass on succession) to the petty kingdom of Wessex who is currently 12 as a backup, and hope that something comes out of the fustercluck in Mercia soon so that changes its succession course. As another backup, I matrilineally betroth the 6 year old son of a courtier who is the current heir to the throne of Mercia in the hopes that when his dad sits on the throne my niece or any of her children will get a claim on the throne.

Time passes, I continue to tutor Susan into racking up charitable and just, and I have an opportunity to try and sleep in the bed of the wife of the guy I mentioned above who I hope will inherit the kingdom of Mercia so that the children of his son will be of my dynasty. I take a hard pass.

Peter then wants a fief, so I give him a county. I plan on expanding through war as soon as my chancellor fabricates anyways. This needs to happen soon, things are deteriorating rapidly in England, two of the smaller kingdoms have fragmented.

The guy in my court inherits the throne of Mercia, and I realize Mercia uses an elective form of succession, so I break off the betrothal with his kid. I'm really running out of options here, my damn chancellor hasn't fabricated anything recently, the Danes are conquering England, and NO one I can marry will give me anything other than weak single county claims.

Some raiders attack my holdings in England, I push them back into the sea easily with my retinue and the nearest levy.

Against all odds, the regency for an 8 year old manages to stabilize Mercia, which was fighting 4 wars simultaneously. I can't find any way to get a good claim on the place, so I decide to give up and concentrate on securing the other, smaller remaining kingdoms in England. Then I realize it doesn't matter anyways, as Peter has gone and gotten himself married already to a woman with mediocre stats. Ah well, I paid for my stupidity. Then my niece demands that I marry her. As Edmund is also of age, I marry them both (not to each other, mind you! That's keeping it a little bit too much in the family!). I give my niece Diedre to the only man who will accept a matrilineal marriage who isn't related to her, and I marry Edmund to Peter's backup girl who has inheritable weak claims in southern England on a whopping two counties.

The pagan king of Sweden sends a messenger asking if he could arrange a betrothal of Princess Susan to a random-ass Swedish pagan courtier, who is also unlanded and without any claims. King Eterscel throws the messenger into the 9th century Irish equivalent of an insane asylum.

Then:

I hit accept, of course, I need to see how tough the Danes are while I have a large bank account and I need to keep that alliance if I want to challenge the Danes for England at all. What could possibly go wrong?

 

[alenalenalen3]

I raise the troops and initially plan to form two armies, one to defend my holdings in England and the other to push into Scotland. I abandon this within days as about two thousand troops show up in England and I decide to smash them there and then proceed north. This plan is worthless once I realize a very important thing: My troops are shit. Outnumbering my opponent 4 to 3, I get my can kicked and lose half my army (the enemy only loses a fifth of theirs). As a side note, is the weather in this game borked? While trying to figure out what went wrong I realized that all of England and Ireland are covered in either mild or normal winter... in the middle of June.

While the Danes are busy sieging Wales, I wipe out about 200 Danes in tiny units as the smallest form of revenge I can get. Then an asshole takes advantage of my losses and makes another push at forming a faction to change from primogeniture to elective succession and has enough troops to rise up. I throw him in the dungeon immediately, which thankfully succeeds. I gather my forces and strike back against the Norse, and in a very close battle (where I again outnumber my opponent 4 to 3) I barely eek out a victory that costs me more than it does him. Then another asshole pushes for elective succession. I tell him no.

I ask Peppin for help in this new war and hire the Saxon Band. Peppin says yes, but he is a bit far away at the moment. I pull my troops out of Wales and march west to face my fate. I almost go bankrupt, but prisoners manage to once more keep me afloat, and then some. I especially enjoy how I captured one of my vassals at least three times and got a nice 210 gold out of ransoming him. I trap the enemy army in southwest Ireland, at least until they hop onto boats and sail off to siege my capital. I wait till one of my sieges succeeds, then go off and smite them.

I get a notice that one of my courtiers is of legal age and can marry. She's in jail because she somehow participated in the revolt and no one wants to ransom her, so in jail she stays.

In other news, the Cathar and peasants in England revolt, because we can't have nice things. To be brutally honest, my kingdom probably feels for the Cathar. The Cathar seem to be rather progressive in their views on female leaders, and in the past century my dynasty has spent more time under a female ruler or regency than a male. If the Cathar weren't filthy heretics, we might even like them.

And because nothing is easy for the Irish, except when it is luring them into a false sense of security, the revolt refuses to surrender even after its army was destroyed and all of its castles taken. Once I begin taking cities though, they fold. I then march back east and begin sieging my way across an empty England. I dismiss my mercenaries because they are expensive. This was a mistake, because as soon as enemy troops show back up we take 3 to 1 losses. I ransom a bunch of Danish prisoners from my successful sieges and hire another mercenary army. I hire the Irish Band, freshly reformed after I smashed them to pieces for siding with my rebellious counts.

This? For the first time in this war I feel that I might actually succeed against the Danes. My Chancellor finally fabricates on the one province count and I accept the claim though it may hurt my wallet. The war eventually ends in a white peace. I feel cheated, because I did a LOT of heavy lifting and had to ransom the leader of the earlier revolt to keep my troops funded. Ah well. Lesson learned. I immediately declare war on that count.

At one point, the retreating enemy army runs smack dab into a group of my reinforcements only half its size. Eterscel quickly detached half his sieging force to go assist, personally leading the left flank that smashed through the already demoralized enemy troops. When asked after the battle to describe his heroic charge, he replied that all he could remember was all sort of a blur. Rumors and stories of the spirit of Queen Susan guiding him through the battle are now spreading like wildfire. The war ends soon after.

The recent conflict with the Danes has left many an empty bed in the castles. They might as well be put to use to house the needy.

Eterscel gets a courtier pregnant. Life goes on. I send Edmund to a church career, because I'm not handing out any more counties because I have fewer than my demesne limit. Peter has had three daughters, so I assign the eldest to be tutored by Eterscel in case she is the one who inherits. I acknowledge the courtier's bastard, because he's another marriage opportunity and I honestly wouldn't care if Peter had Eterscel assassinated.

Then I learn that Denmark's most powerful Jarl is planning to invade me.

 

[alenalenalen3]

England is a hot destination. I notice that there's a second Prussian invasion of England in progress, but King Eterscel cares not. Every coin in the realm is being gathered to stuff the coffers full for the inevitable need of mercenaries.

In other news, Lucy is now the Empress of Francia. Eterscel writes her many a letter about how Francia needs to support Ireland in the upcoming conflict.

The Cathar heresy spreads to northern Ireland. I instruct my priest to kindly but gently remind them that that is heresy. Some raiders attack and my retinue smashes them. The date of the Danish attack arrives... and passes. Eventually, the stress of awaiting the Danes proves to be too much.

The king is dead, long live the king!

(Apparently Ambrose Burnside had Irish roots...)

Thanks to Peter's father's death, the Danish Jarl pushes his invasion back two years. Eterscel truly couldn't have kicked the bucket at a better time. I use my warchest to build a second castle in my capital to increase my personal levy and tax. Then my chancellor was murdered while fabricating claims, how horrible. King Peter imports another hapless fool who thinks working for me will mean that I will help press his claim on X throne (this time somewhere in Poland) and puts him to work.

Then the Cathars rise up. They are crushed quite quickly though. You know, if they had simply asked me to convert to their religion I would have, seeing as how my catholic allies in Europe have done nothing to help me. Oh well.

Maybe I'm projecting a little of my hopes on Peter's success to name his successor after him, but I'm not naming him Eterscel. Then, as we close to within a few months of the Danish invasion, another faction to lower crown authority forms. I bribe my spymaster to like me more and then plot to kill the leader.

Just days before the Danish invasion, it disappears and I notice that the Jarl who was planning to invade me has died of natural causes. Ireland is truly blessed by its Narnia expies. I wonder if there is a mod to add in the Aslan Heresy.

I begin to systematically plot away those backing the factions against me. During this time Peter falls ill, and begins to hallucinate that his cousin fancies him. Of course we all know such a thing would have to be a fever dream... It is never spoken of again once he recovers.

Susan wants to be steward on my council. I tell her it would be inappropriate, as Edmund has a higher Stewardship skill. Peter falls ill again, but doesn't let that stop him from finally pressing the first Irish claim in over a decade. He recovers again, which is lucky because before the war is even over his chancellor fabricates another claim! Chancellor Goszczon Sieradzki is awarded a three month vacation before he has to move elsewhere to fabricate, and momentarily considers attempting to help press the claim on Sieradz.

King Peter is on a roll and manages to impregnate his wife while leading troops hundreds of miles away from her! In his absence she names the son Liam. The war soon ends, and I immediately take on the next domino, which falls just as quickly. Peter returns home to meet his immaculately conceived son.

Then a beautiful sight greets King Peter as he inspects the world map for changes:

The Danish owned land in Scotland and England have broken from the kingdom of Denmark completely! Scotland is the weaker of the two, so I start to take bites out of it first. I could press for a claim on the entire kingdom, but since I'm not an emperor yet, that would be bad. So instead, I decide to take the two province Jarldom of Galloway. King Peter's court is filled with excitement, as courtiers and vassels realize that for once someone other than the highest authority is getting their claim pressed!

Sadly, on October 10, 884, Prince Edmund passes away. I invite a new steward, and the court becomes abuzz again when the newest council member is awarded Edmund's previous county. That said council member is in his seventies and has no children is completely immaterial to this decision. Soon war is declared on Scotland and the armies of Ireland march forth:

Unfortunately, the game strikes back. I missed the screenshot, but Peter gets maimed somehow when my roughly four thousand man strong army crushes 150 men.

Rulers are now banned from leading armies. To further spite me, Denmark absoarbs Scotland just before I could force a surrender and renders the war null and void.

I have no words.

 

[alenalenalen3]

I take over another one province count in England, handing the province over to Eterscel's bastard son. My regent forces medium crown authority down my throat. Then:

Ah yes, Lucy. She who is empress of Francia. She who's marriage alliance has at some random point fallen by the wayside and has done zilch for the realm. My attempt to suppress the revolt goes very poorly, I am outnumbered heavily and am promptly crushed on March 5, 888.

I am left holding 4 counties and two duchies.

I am probably calling it here. I really don't feel like trying to claw my way free as a duchy of Francia, and I'm kind of pissed my army has been halved from its 4k max for the third time. I'm also really pissed Francia ate me because of my marriage alliance with them, and all because the most high skill character I've ever gotten in CK2 died when his army crushed an opposing force 30 to 1 as part of a war I won on the battlefield, and then had my prize yanked away at random because my opponent wouldn't surrender once he was beaten. Why yes, I'm a bit bitter about that.

Pictured: CKII's final parting shot... comparing me to a dynasty that was stripped of most of its lands and titles after a rebellion:

In review:
The good:
I think I managed my financials quite well. I was building a stable income from my holdings as Etescal and Peter, and was planning on building additional castles to supplement my levy in my primary holdings in Mide. I feel that I grasped how combat works, though I'm still puzzled on those battles vs the Danes.

The bad: I do think I ran for feudal a mite bit fast, I feel that I could have built up my castle support structures easier when I was paying for them in prestige instead of cash. I probably should have raided a lot more, and could have used suicide raiding as a way of getting rid of threats to the line of succession. I should have never married into the line of succession of Francia, and I should never rely on allies across waves. I should never let a vassal have more than a single county holding, if they have more they get crazy ideas about either taking over a duchy or expanding their personal holdings inside of one. I should never, NEVER, let my ruler go into battle unless they have a more capable heir of age ready to take over. I should probably have made use of the betrothal to snatch more claims, and made use of landing claimants as my vassal so that they would serve me if I pushed their claim.

The annoying: I had way too many relatives running around. Juggling all the guardianships and marriages for them was a pain, especially with how almost all of those were irrelevant in the end. Why does it matter who raises Derby's children? I'm never going to play as them and it's easier to outsource to get skilled councilmembers.

Overall, I learned a lot about how to write an AAR. While this was a rather straightforward "I do X" mixed with a little narrative for humor due to my greenness, I really enjoyed writing the bits about Irish mall Santa, the serial killing gardener, and the forming of the counterproductive marriage alliance with Francia. I think I'll do a much more narrative based approach for my next AAR.

I'm thinking about doing a run as a Finnish pagan next, that or an English Kingdom so that I can hopefully kick Danish ass the next time they show their filthy heads anywhere near the British isles. Or Finland, whichever I end up playing as.