If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can! A (hopefully) comedic AAR

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If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!

A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words​

King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror

1258-9

So passes the Tsar’s army. At least their families can gain comfort from knowing their sons, husbands, and brothers didn’t die in vain. Their noble sacrifice bought enough time for the Tsar to run away and hide in his castle.

The garrison at Oromieh, intimidated by the massive Turkish army, did not hold out for long. Now for the first time in this war the Turks have taken Nubian land. I could not call myself a Dongola if I made peace before it was returned.

Taking another province from the Turks does not make me feel better about the situation.

Nor does the news that all of Turkish Georgia now belongs to Nubia improve my mood. All that means to me is that more troops are free to try to stop the Turkish juggernaught in the south.

While news from the East is mixed, in the West tidings are all good. The Bulgarians lose control of Constantinople for what I plan to be the last time. I’ve been looking for a new summer residence for some time now, and I’m told the Marmora is lovely that time of year.

News of Constantinople’s fall takes the last bit of fight out of the Count of Methone, and he surrenders the next day. My general tells him he can take whatever he can carry and then orders him to be on his way out of Nubian territory.

And just so my third foe doesn’t feel left out, I slaughter five thousand Armenians up north. For some reason it makes me feel kinda Turkish, but I suppress those feelings and start moving my army southward,

where the Turkish army has advanced into another of my provinces. And just in case you thought I only had to worry about 30,000 Turks, they are continuing to bring in reinforcements from Persia.

The recent setbacks on the Turkish front have emboldened some of my less loyal vassals. The Prince of Imertia decided to use the chaos to inform me that he no longer considered himself bound by his oath of fealty and was going to go his own way. He’s smart enough to realize that a war will just bring unwanted attention, and that I can’t spare the men to create a war if he doesn’t push the issue.

This means that most the Nubian lands north of Georgia that aren’t controlled by the rebelling Prince of Armenia have left the realm. The Conquests of my grandfather, undone in a few short years.

Not that Hanna was ever going to be given any responsibility or important task anyway, (after all, she’s female) but now I’m certainly not giving her any. Now she’s nothing but a tool of the minor nobles.

Hopefully this won’t damage her value as a strategic bride.



Will Hanna’s value be damaged? Can Qalidurut stop the Turkish advance? Will more vassals try to jump ship? Would desert dwelling people even have the expression “to jump ship”? Can the Nubians seek out the Tsar’s hiding place? Where is the Sultan? Find out with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!​

 

[Murmurandus]

It should be 'to jump camel'... :nods:

 

[Malurous]

Interesting war. Are you diverting more men from the west as that area seems to be under control?

Oh, and loved the "feel kinda Turkish" line.

 

[Enewald]

Can anyone stop the Turks from killing themselves soon?
Civil war is inevitable in those lands, actually in any land.

 

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If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!

A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words​

King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror

1259

As I’m trying to decide what to do about the Turkish attack on Mosul, I receive reports that the Bulgarian garrison in Thessalonike has surrendered. I cannot think of a less important conflict in this war right now. The Eastern Front is about to fall apart under the Turkish push, and the Tsar is bottled up in his capital, but never fear, a minor province on the western flank of this war has fallen.

Of course if things continue to deteriorate I’m going to need all the good news I can get, so perhaps I shouldn’t be so bitter.

Case in point. Today I learned that not only are the Turks attacking Mosul, the Sultan is personally leading a 20,000 man army against Kurdistan. I’ll have to move fast to keep this from becoming a disaster.

On a lighter note, in one of my newly conquered provinces the soldiers have decided they will be more effective if they actually practice and train with their weapons.

Oh yeah, they’ll fit right in.

Now some actual good news, General Ali has blocked the Turkish push into Mosul, at the cost of 17,000 dead. If I can strike a decisive blow in Kurdistan, the momentum of the Turkish campaign may be broke and we will be able to advance to Oromieh.

Even on the march there is so much to do. Orders to right, reports to read, territories to managed. Newly conquered areas have to be incorporated into the kingdom, not to mention crisis at home to deal with. And it all comes to me. Some days it’s almost too much.

But some days it’s worth it. Like today, when I get to teach the Sultan a lesson in why he shouldn’t invade Nubia and steal my land. The Sultan’s army is looking a little sparse, I guess he’s also learning a lesson about the perils of rapid advancement without proper supply chains.

Anyway, Al’a’addin is about to learn that the first maxim of Nubian education is “spare the rod, spoil the child.” I think it will work just as well as, “spare the rod, spoil the Sultan.”

And what would a Nubian lesson be without some treason? I can almost see the Sultan grinning across the battle field when two of my regiments change sides. And knowing Nubian conspiracies like I do, I’m sure units elsewhere are meeting untimely ends. I’m sure that smug SOB is feeling very satisfied with himself right now.

But it’s even more satisfying to watch my troops shift to cut off the defectors without breaking the main battle line, just as a cavalry charge collapses the Turkish right flank. I can imagine the Sultan’s grin fade as he realizes that his little trick isn’t going to accomplish anything, and that the lesson will continue.

Man teaching is hard work. Today was a full day, but I think the Turks figured it out by the end, the ones that lived through it anyways.

Not only has the Sultan leaned a lesson he’ll never forget, but both the Turkish advances have been stopped. Now is the time to press on, while the Sultan is still running scared. If I can retake Oromieh, I can end this war with honor.

Speaking of ending wars, the Tsar has decided it might be time to negotiate. He may have come to that conculsion when several large, heavily armed and armored Nubians burst into the room where he was cowering after taking the castle, but that’s neither a here nor there. What does matter is that the war in the West is over, and I’m the one holding all the cards.

I intend to play those cards very effectively. First, I’m going to take all the gold the Tsar has left in his treasury. Second, I’m going to take the city of Constantinople to serve as the capital for my Roman Empire. Finally, I’m going to take Thessalonike, because I don’t like the Tsar personally controlling Greek territory. He wanted to be the Tsar of Bulgaria, he can stay in Bulgaria.

Now you might be tempted to point out that I control some territory in Bulgaria, and I’m holding him to a different standard. It’s possible the Tsar is thinking the same thing. Well let him win a war for once and then he can complain all he wants and I’ll have to listen. Until then he can shut the hell up.



Will the Tsar ever win a war? Are the Turks on their last legs? What will this mean for the Eastern front? Is the home front too quiet? Where are the Armenians and what are they doing? Find out with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!​

 

[Malurous]

Nice wins, though thank heavens for attrition!

And one front done. And a Nubian Constantinople! Yay!

 

[Murmurandus]

The Emperor is doing quite well for being old and stressed. Lesser men die normally or become raving lunatics... :nods:

 

[Enewald]

A very useful war with the Bulgars?

 

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I've read through this in the past couple of days - a great laugh, will be certainly following this in the future

 

[Johan11]

Just when you think it's really going wrong, you reappear.

Why can't we just have a true fail story?

 

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If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!

A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words​

King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror

1259

So just as I’m planning a trip to visit my new city, there is an outbreak of dysentery. Cancel that trip; I’m not going anywhere near Constantinople until the crap stops flowing. Some of the city’s residents claim the plague is a sign of God’s displeasure at Nubia. If that was the case, why are they sick when Alexandria is fine?

Basically Kavoos is offering to almost double my treasury if I stop the siege in Orimieh. That is mighty tempting, but this is a matter of pride, not money. Orimieh will be mine once again

I guess Kavoos wasn’t happy at my refusal, as he sent a raiding party to collapse Mosul’s mine. It’s frustatrting that the war is almost over, but even as it dies out it can erase months of work in just a day.

So ends the Prince of Armenia’s uprising. I inform him I will find a better steward for these lands.

To prevent further bad feeling among my recently acquired and recent reacquired subjects I show them I value their land by creating myself King of Georgia. This elevates the Georgians to the same level as the Nubians, Greeks, Africans, and Italians in my lands. Hopefully this will give them a greater sense of loyalty and belonging.

The new kingdom does not impress the Archbishop of Antioch, who announces he is leaving the realm to pursue God’s work on his own. If I didn’t have this war with the Turks still going on I’d teach him a lesson or two, but for the moment he has a reprieve.

Speaking of the war, roving bands of Turkish bandits are disrupting communications far behind the lines. It’s time to end this once and for all.

Excellent. Now Nubia has all the land it had at the start of the war, plus all of Turkish Georgia (except the province one of my newly independent vassals took) Not bad for a war in which I was attacked.

I inform the Sultan that since I have regained my lost land, I have decided to stop killing his soldiers and taking his land, and therefore the war is over. No negotiations, no preliminaries, nothing. I ended the war with but a word.

And despite his anger, I think the Sultan was genuinely grateful. His great gamble had failed, and he realized, for the first time I think, that Nubia could threaten the existence of his realm.

Someday I’m sure it will, but not today. Now it is time to take stock of our situation and move ahead.

This is Nubia after the Turkish-Bulgarian War. The green shows land that was part of Nubia when I became king and that is still Nubian. The yellow sadly is land that was either part of Nubia at my crowning or added since that is no longer part of Nubia. Finally red territory has been added since I became king.



Wow that war was bloodly wasn’t it? What’s next? Who was Qalidurut attack next? Or will Nubia’s enemies seek to harm it once more? Find out with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!​

 

[Johan11]

Come on! Attack Your vassals! Everyone of them!

 

[Enewald]

As long as red overpowers yellow, everything is fine.

 

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Time to attack..................... Ireland.

 

[Malurous]

Happy to see that war end well... but judging by the map, you have some reclaiming to do!

 

[Murmurandus]

Time to replenish the men stock...

 

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If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!

A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words​

King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror

1259-61

Now that I’ve defeated the combined attacks of Nubia’s two greatest foes, I have some extra land on my hands and I need to find reliable vassals to administer it.

This looks like a good prospect. What a name. His name is actually Waclaw. That is tough. I bet his middle name is Badass. Waclaw Badass Ruriovich sounds like a Nubian count, doesn’t he?

And while it’s not as cool as Waclaw, Erik is a pretty awesome name too. Even if the Knytlings spell it with a k.

Now that that’s settled, I can turn my attention to other things. When the old Principality of Armenia was in revolt, it seems to have gotten into a spat with some pagans. Now that I’ve reincorporated the land into Nubia, the fighting continues. And since bringing Armenia back required the destruction of most of their armies, they can’t fight the pagans on their own.

So it looks like Qalidurut to the rescue. I’m not exactly sure why my grandfather left these pagans unconquered when he seized everything else in the area. I’m guessing they either had a lot of gold, or many beautufil women and offered him their bounty.

Of course, now that I think about it, those two options aren’t mutually exclusive. I’ll have to have my field commander make a report.

The respect I’m giving Georgia makes my crazy cousin come back to the kingdom. Sometimes you don’t need a sword to conquer.

Whatever the pagans offered my father, it wasn’t beautiful women. My returning troops use descriptions like smells like yaks and hairier than a yak. Not even my grandfather would have gone for that.

Regardless of the quality of their women, the pagans have been crushed and brought into the Nubian fold.

Diplomacy scores another success as a second wayward vassal comes home. My diplomats were careful to remind him how hurt I was by his secession. They also pointed out what happened to the pagans and suggested that while we weren’t currently invading, we could be invading next week.

The Prince saw the light.

Between military and diplomatic victories, the nobles have calmed down and the realm is stable. I don’t expect it to last. This is the just the lull before more manure hit s the windmill.

Remember the Prince of Armenia that started the civil war when I was already in the middle of a two front war? When I finally brought him to heel I took all of his Nubian titles, but he ran away to a province he had taken from the Turks during the civil war.

I can’t let him stay out there as a rallying point to every dissident in the kingdom.

Problem solved




Is the problem really solved? If so, what will the next problem be, and when will it arise? What does Qalidurut have planned? Is another war on the horizon? Or will the depressed king try for a time of peace? Find out with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!​

 

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While I was thinking about this ahead of time, it slipped my mind when it happened, so now I have to do some catch up.

August 24, was If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!'s one year anniversary . I can't believe it's been going on as long as it has. I want to say thanks to all the readers, whether you have been there from the begining (Murmurandus had the first comment) or just started yesterday. You have all made this a fun experiencde and I'm glad I decided to start an AAR. Here's to another year of Nubian success, failure, and craziness!

And now some feedback!

It should be 'to jump camel'... :nods:

I like that, very Nubian sounding

Interesting war. Are you diverting more men from the west as that area seems to be under control?

Oh, and loved the "feel kinda Turkish" line.

I ended up moving troops from the northern front south. I figured it would take to long to move troops east. I'm glad you liked the line, I hoped someone would appreciate it.

Can anyone stop the Turks from killing themselves soon?
Civil war is inevitable in those lands, actually in any land.

They had a fairly violent civil war during Mirza's time, but their new leader seems to have the stats to keep things together.

Nice wins, though thank heavens for attrition!

And one front done. And a Nubian Constantinople! Yay!

Indeed! Yea for Nubia!

The Emperor is doing quite well for being old and stressed. Lesser men die normally or become raving lunatics... :nods:

Old? He's only 40. And just because he's not a lesser man don't discoutn death or lunacy. After all, there is only one way out of this life.

A very useful war with the Bulgars?

It was quite. Of course if Nubia had been smart (perish the thought) they would have taken the city long ago, instead of having to fight a massive battle and seige every war.

I've read through this in the past couple of days - a great laugh, will be certainly following this in the future

Welcome and I'm glad you've enjoyed it.

Just when you think it's really going wrong, you reappear.

Why can't we just have a true fail story?

Because Nubia is a juggernaught? Most of the time temporary setbacks are going to be the norm, though those can be painful on their own.

And there wouldn't have been as much suspense if my main army hadn't gotten bogged down in a dozen minor battles trying to march south.

Come on! Attack Your vassals! Everyone of them!

Tempting, but diplomacy might yield better results

As long as red overpowers yellow, everything is fine.

Give Qalidurut a few years to sort things out and hopefully the balance will shift that way.

Time to attack..................... Ireland.

Those Irish have been asking for it. And they would never see it coming. Maybe Nubia should show the world that distant is no defense.

Happy to see that war end well... but judging by the map, you have some reclaiming to do!

Very true. Between the carrot and the stick, they'll come back, or at least their children will.

Time to replenish the men stock...

It's down over 100,000 men from pre-war levels, so that will take some time. Of course the regiments in other parts of the kingdom are at full strength...


Thanks again for another great year, and keep reading!

 

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August 24, was If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!'s one year anniversary .

It has been that long? Congratulations! This and Iain Wilson's Suenik AAR are pretty much the only CK AARs that I follow.

Here's to another year of Nubian success, failure, and craziness!

Craziness. Mostly craziness. Yay!

 

[Malurous]

Not even my grandfather would have gone for that.

:rofl: Gotta love it when the kings make their feelings regarding their predecessors known!

Happy one year and one week anniversary, Nubia!