And Chuckius replied: "There was Sparta!"
And it is not madness, it is Chuckius Norrisus, his total random invincibility makes sense.
And it is not madness, it is Chuckius Norrisus, his total random invincibility makes sense.
-
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And Chuckius replied: "There was Sparta!"
And it is not madness, it is Chuckius Norrisus, his total random invincibility makes sense.
Chuckius is quite impressed by that Spartan talent of getting killed after decimating the enemy army. Thus I guess that he's going to find some enemy for Sparta and, when Leo and his boys are been dried til the last drop of blood, then he'll get a walk till Sparta and say the famous words: "There was Sparta!"
:rofl: Hilarious, and I LOVE unencyclopedia! Extra Kurty Kudos for this chapter!
You know, I love it too.
I think Chuckius quite poetic. I like his prozaic use of the word bastard.
I tremble because I saw him yesterday looking in the Roger Thesarurus Latin Dictionary...
What were the Roman Senators thinking when they allowed Carthage to win the First Petic War? Certainly Carthage must pay for this later.
Yes, where have we seen that face before, it is almost like an icon isn't? I can't wait to hear about the adventures in greece. Let's hope 300 spartans can't hold off 25,000 Romans
W00t! Apparently missed like three updates. Bad me... *Qorten kicks himself into submission*
Anyway, Chuckius? It's totally impossible to loose with Chuckius on your side. But I want to see more of Comagossius and Enewaldus. And who the hell is Tomius Clancinius? There wouldn't by any chance be a Qortenius around there, would there?
Anyway, Chuckius? It's totally impossible to loose with Chuckius on your side. But I want to see more of Comagossius and Enewaldus. And who the hell is Tomius Clancinius? There wouldn't by any chance be a Qortenius around there, would there?
The Senate is proving itself quite dissappointing. Carthage will pay, for sure.
The Senate too.
Yes, where have we seen that face before, it is almost like an icon isn't? I can't wait to hear about the adventures in greece. Let's hope 300 spartans can't hold off 25,000 Romans
If Chuckis is leding the army, there is no Spartan than can stand on his way.
Where the sword doesn't reach, the fart will do.
Bad, very bad, Qorten, indeed. Qortenius... mmmh... what an idea...
Chapter VIII
This is not Sparta?
This is not Sparta?
“This is NOT... SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!?!?!?!.” ~ Leonidas, during the punitive expedition to Carthage.
“Leonidas, please, don't f**** me with that again.” ~ Chuckius, during the same punitive expedition to Carthage.
Chuckius had set his mind on destroying, for once and all, the real enemies of Rome, that is, the Senate. To achieve that, he had decided to deprive the Senators from his allies, that is, Carthage. Thus he asked his good friend Leonidas VII.03, king of Spartaaaaaaaa, ruler of the narrow paths and chum of the 300, and thus talked to him
-Hiyaeus, Leo. I'm going to erase Carthage from the face of the earth.
-Rubbish -answered the Spartan-. My lil' daughter does that with her toys.
-I see... any kind of suggestions, then?- replied Chuckius, a bit agash-, okius, let's see what you would do?
-I would have all the Carthagians arranged into a single line and kicked them into a pit.
-Not bad... not very subtle, but not bad...
Thus he wrote to his counsin:
Dear Secundus
Tell the the Senators, the bastards (…) that I think that they are a pack of (...) and that I'm going to (...) their families and then use their heads to (...). By the way, I'm departig to Carthage to (...) the ass of those (...) Carthaginians and (...), when it's all said and done, I'll return to Rome to (...) of the Senator for once and all.
PS: Did I say "the bastards"?
Addily enough, Secundus kept in the dark his fellow senators of this evolution of the events and run away (alà Monty Python style) to Marsilia, not to return once Chuckius was done. His cousin, meanwhile, landed with seven legions in Africa, marching then to join hands with his good old chum king Leonidas. The Spartan, who was a bit too much hyperactive, could not wait for the Romans, and had surrounded the main enemy army with his force. So, 20,000 were being encircled by 300 Spartans by the simple
Last news:
Results of the Folilúiidi Competitito
# Britons United 1 - Celtic Glaschu 0
# Hammers from Caledonia 2 - Cilician Pirates 0
# Germánicum Sportivium Union 0 - Dácicum Rovers 1
# Hibernians 3 - Lusitania Boys 0
Chuckius, by sheer anger, made his way trough the Carthaginian army until the found Leonidas, who was quite busy beating the pulp of the enemy forces.
-Funny... very funny! -he shouted at the Spartan over the battle cries-. Funny indeed! I have to cross all the f***** disolated piece of sand that those fools call their land and I find that you have started the party without me! How kind of you, Leo!
-Well, Chuckius, I found a narrow pass and I couldn't...
-A pass? Where? I can't see the mountains!
-Well, I had to make room for my boys, so I used my fists...
Chuckius had a sudden remenbrace of his cousin Lester, who claimed himself that he was a superheroe. A short claim, as it didn't lasted from the moment that Lester announced it to the world and when he landed on the hard ground after jumping from the top of the Colisseum.
-I can fly! -Lester shouted, prior to jump.
BOOOM!
-No, you can't -the crown answered back.
-Well -Chuckius asnwered, a few moments back-. I'm going to prepare my chaps to make a dash with the horses and Greek fire and...
-At my signal, unlesh hell and all that? A bit too used tactic, don't you think?
-You're the chum who puts himself with 300 boys in a narrow pass over and over again, aren't you?
Then Chuckius joined with his cavalry and, when he was going to raise his sword to heavens to signal the moment ot charge, he asked to himself:
-What the fuss?!?!?!
And, there they where: a bunch of half-crazed Germans charging against Leonidas and the Carthaginians alike(1).
“Leonidas, please, don't f**** me with that again.” ~ Chuckius, during the same punitive expedition to Carthage.
Chuckius had set his mind on destroying, for once and all, the real enemies of Rome, that is, the Senate. To achieve that, he had decided to deprive the Senators from his allies, that is, Carthage. Thus he asked his good friend Leonidas VII.03, king of Spartaaaaaaaa, ruler of the narrow paths and chum of the 300, and thus talked to him
-Hiyaeus, Leo. I'm going to erase Carthage from the face of the earth.
-Rubbish -answered the Spartan-. My lil' daughter does that with her toys.
-I see... any kind of suggestions, then?- replied Chuckius, a bit agash-, okius, let's see what you would do?
-I would have all the Carthagians arranged into a single line and kicked them into a pit.
-Not bad... not very subtle, but not bad...
Thus he wrote to his counsin:
Dear Secundus
Tell the the Senators, the bastards (…) that I think that they are a pack of (...) and that I'm going to (...) their families and then use their heads to (...). By the way, I'm departig to Carthage to (...) the ass of those (...) Carthaginians and (...), when it's all said and done, I'll return to Rome to (...) of the Senator for once and all.
PS: Did I say "the bastards"?
Addily enough, Secundus kept in the dark his fellow senators of this evolution of the events and run away (alà Monty Python style) to Marsilia, not to return once Chuckius was done. His cousin, meanwhile, landed with seven legions in Africa, marching then to join hands with his good old chum king Leonidas. The Spartan, who was a bit too much hyperactive, could not wait for the Romans, and had surrounded the main enemy army with his force. So, 20,000 were being encircled by 300 Spartans by the simple
Last news:
Results of the Folilúiidi Competitito
# Britons United 1 - Celtic Glaschu 0
# Hammers from Caledonia 2 - Cilician Pirates 0
# Germánicum Sportivium Union 0 - Dácicum Rovers 1
# Hibernians 3 - Lusitania Boys 0
Chuckius, by sheer anger, made his way trough the Carthaginian army until the found Leonidas, who was quite busy beating the pulp of the enemy forces.
-Funny... very funny! -he shouted at the Spartan over the battle cries-. Funny indeed! I have to cross all the f***** disolated piece of sand that those fools call their land and I find that you have started the party without me! How kind of you, Leo!
-Well, Chuckius, I found a narrow pass and I couldn't...
-A pass? Where? I can't see the mountains!
-Well, I had to make room for my boys, so I used my fists...
Chuckius had a sudden remenbrace of his cousin Lester, who claimed himself that he was a superheroe. A short claim, as it didn't lasted from the moment that Lester announced it to the world and when he landed on the hard ground after jumping from the top of the Colisseum.
-I can fly! -Lester shouted, prior to jump.
BOOOM!
-No, you can't -the crown answered back.
-Well -Chuckius asnwered, a few moments back-. I'm going to prepare my chaps to make a dash with the horses and Greek fire and...
-At my signal, unlesh hell and all that? A bit too used tactic, don't you think?
-You're the chum who puts himself with 300 boys in a narrow pass over and over again, aren't you?
Then Chuckius joined with his cavalry and, when he was going to raise his sword to heavens to signal the moment ot charge, he asked to himself:
-What the fuss?!?!?!
And, there they where: a bunch of half-crazed Germans charging against Leonidas and the Carthaginians alike(1).
(1) If someone explains to me what the fuss where doing some Germanic barbaric hordes at Leptis Magna on their way to Carthage I'll be deeply thankeful.
Or perhaps I won't...
PS: Yes, I have developed a kind of urge to obliterate Carthage. And it's their fault, to resist my first attempts to destroy them peacefully.
I love my townKurt said:
Anyways, it is very weird how 300 spartans can surround any enemy
Germans?
Vandals are just lost on their way to Rome.
Well, I gues they are Germans. His leader is Hermann za German, so, I guess... well...
Vas? Dis is not die vright var? Did ve get lost? Ja?
Don't wovrry. I'll give dem a kick in zeir azzez that vill zend dem to Germany at onze.
I love my town
Anyways, it is very weird how 300 spartans can surround any enemy
Weird indeed. Useful, but weird. Daring, but weird.
"They say that great general can pick his battlefield, but even greater general can make the battlefield to resemble his liking, so if Leonidas said during his Punic campaign that he was defending a pass then he was doing exactly that, even if less talented leaders or historians can't see where that pass was."
-From the book "Military Strategies or how I lost an army in Teutoburg" by Olaus Petrus Varus
-From the book "Military Strategies or how I lost an army in Teutoburg" by Olaus Petrus Varus
Inzeed...
An inspiring fragment for a new update. I've to work on it, really.
Chapter IX
Bye Bye Leove
Bye Bye Leove
“"They say that great general can pick his battlefield, but even greater general can make the battlefield to resemble his liking, so if Leonidas said during his Punic campaign that he was defending a pass then he was doing exactly that, even if less talented leaders or historians can't see where that pass was.".” ~ Olaus Petrus Varus, defeated at Allia, Caudine Forks, Cannae, Arausio, Carrhae, Teoteburg and Adrianople.
Once the Roman legions surrounded Carthago, troubles started. Leonidas began to search for the customary narrow pass to battle, much to Chuckius' changrin, and news came from the Senate. Rome had selected a new consul, Furcius Sonius of Bitchus, much to Secundus's changrin..
Bad name to make a start.
The first act of Furcius was an impressive one. As soon has he turned consul, he just died of extreme age. Full stop. That was almost fatal to poor old sensible Chuckius, because he got nuts due to the extreme attack of mad laughing that he suffered at hearing the news(1).
Then came the unexpected Epirian Inquis... well, then came news from Epirus.
Senator 1: I didn't know we were in war against them.
Senator 2: I thought that Chuckius had killed them all.
Senator 3: It seems that there is a lonely survivor of Epirus lost in the midsts of somewhere else who wants to have peace.
Senator 2: Ah.
Senator 1: Oh.
Homer Simpson: Donuts...
Rome declined the offer, and we never heard about Epirus ever again. It was funny that they offered us a province that we had already sacked, conquered and romanized byu then. Those crazy Epirian lads...
Meanwhile Leonidas had to make a bit of a mess, of course. As Chuckius had asked him to bring some supplies and to foray Africa, he went to do that. Alàs, he got a bit lost and ended foraying Gadira and Turdetana, which was felt as something unpleasant by the natives, incredible as it may sound to you, my reader. Yes, they got fed up because poor old Leonidas just razed their cities, raped his wives, daughters and boys and stole their gold. Of course, they declared war on Rome.
The first reaction of the Senate at hearing that was this one:
And the second one act was this one:
Chuckius, even if he enjoyed Leo's sense of humor a lot, he wasn't quite keen on having to invade another land, so he went on with the siege of Carthage and had Leo killed in a quite calmed and secret way. Then he turned his attention to the Carthaginian ruler, and tried to win the war with the most dangerous weapon of all: dirty tricks.
He wrote a letter to that unfortunate enemy with his undeniable and unmistikable style.
"Dear whoeveryouare-idon'tgiveadamaboutyourname,
I'm Chuckius, and I don't like you. I've heard that you're a quite disgusting fellow. I've been told that, as well as being batshit insane, you're killed an enormous number of Roman people -two, at least- and f*** your own sister, neither of which is a particularly endearing quality in a leader. To be honest, I've seen your sister, and, even if she's not an ugly girl, she's not that much, man.
All in all, here I am, Chuckius of Rome, with an army of talented Romans which are going to turn your city into a big hole in the desert.
So, my dear mad, murderous sister-f***er, surrender now and you'll avoid having me using your head to play balls.
PS: No offence meant, old boy."
Well, we don't need a PhD to guess that the Carthaginian leader got a bit incensed by such a letter. Historians had not yet guessed which part of the letter caused such a rage -perhaps the "old" of the PS part?- but Chuckius got his wish fullfilled. One shinny morning the whole Carthaginian army formed its ranks outside the walls and, with a huge roar, went on against the Roman legions.
A pity that our good old Chuckius had got Leonidas' men back plus some reinforcements. A pity that Chuckius had a 4-1 superiority and no wish to make prisoners.
That day night came six hours in advance to Carthago. It was caused by the smoke caused by the fire that engulfed the city.
It is said that, while seeing Carthago aflame, Chuckius was visited by a spirit who, after berating him as a "Depraved, demented, debauched, decadent and deadly murderer". Chuckius, chuckling at that, got the spirit killed just by looking at it.
Then, like a great deal of nutters had done before, send a letter to Rome which could be summarized in just one single sentence:
-As I'm not a kind of pinko republican, I demand you to make me Caesar of the Empire, god and Saviour of man/dogkind.
It goes without saying that the Senate did not like this new-found Tom Cruise personality. Then they got a prize from the gods:
Tiberius Nieblus, cousing of Secundus and of Chuckius, a good and talented puppy who was doing a good career at the Senate. Called Scatman Nieblius, he was going to make history for making the longest short speech in the Senate.
"I’m-m-m-m-m q-q-q-q-q-quite s-s-s-s-s-s-sure that m-m-m-m-m-m-my c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cousing Chuk-k-k-k-k-k-k-kius i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-is a n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nasty f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fellow".
By the time he ended his sentence, the Senators had sentenced Chuckius to die and had gone home. Now it was just a cuestion of finding someone mad enough to make battle to Chuckius.
(1) Not only Chuckius went nuts laughing, me too.
Once the Roman legions surrounded Carthago, troubles started. Leonidas began to search for the customary narrow pass to battle, much to Chuckius' changrin, and news came from the Senate. Rome had selected a new consul, Furcius Sonius of Bitchus, much to Secundus's changrin..
Bad name to make a start.
The first act of Furcius was an impressive one. As soon has he turned consul, he just died of extreme age. Full stop. That was almost fatal to poor old sensible Chuckius, because he got nuts due to the extreme attack of mad laughing that he suffered at hearing the news(1).
Then came the unexpected Epirian Inquis... well, then came news from Epirus.
Senator 1: I didn't know we were in war against them.
Senator 2: I thought that Chuckius had killed them all.
Senator 3: It seems that there is a lonely survivor of Epirus lost in the midsts of somewhere else who wants to have peace.
Senator 2: Ah.
Senator 1: Oh.
Homer Simpson: Donuts...
Rome declined the offer, and we never heard about Epirus ever again. It was funny that they offered us a province that we had already sacked, conquered and romanized byu then. Those crazy Epirian lads...
Meanwhile Leonidas had to make a bit of a mess, of course. As Chuckius had asked him to bring some supplies and to foray Africa, he went to do that. Alàs, he got a bit lost and ended foraying Gadira and Turdetana, which was felt as something unpleasant by the natives, incredible as it may sound to you, my reader. Yes, they got fed up because poor old Leonidas just razed their cities, raped his wives, daughters and boys and stole their gold. Of course, they declared war on Rome.
The first reaction of the Senate at hearing that was this one:
And the second one act was this one:
Chuckius, even if he enjoyed Leo's sense of humor a lot, he wasn't quite keen on having to invade another land, so he went on with the siege of Carthage and had Leo killed in a quite calmed and secret way. Then he turned his attention to the Carthaginian ruler, and tried to win the war with the most dangerous weapon of all: dirty tricks.
He wrote a letter to that unfortunate enemy with his undeniable and unmistikable style.
"Dear whoeveryouare-idon'tgiveadamaboutyourname,
I'm Chuckius, and I don't like you. I've heard that you're a quite disgusting fellow. I've been told that, as well as being batshit insane, you're killed an enormous number of Roman people -two, at least- and f*** your own sister, neither of which is a particularly endearing quality in a leader. To be honest, I've seen your sister, and, even if she's not an ugly girl, she's not that much, man.
All in all, here I am, Chuckius of Rome, with an army of talented Romans which are going to turn your city into a big hole in the desert.
So, my dear mad, murderous sister-f***er, surrender now and you'll avoid having me using your head to play balls.
PS: No offence meant, old boy."
Well, we don't need a PhD to guess that the Carthaginian leader got a bit incensed by such a letter. Historians had not yet guessed which part of the letter caused such a rage -perhaps the "old" of the PS part?- but Chuckius got his wish fullfilled. One shinny morning the whole Carthaginian army formed its ranks outside the walls and, with a huge roar, went on against the Roman legions.
A pity that our good old Chuckius had got Leonidas' men back plus some reinforcements. A pity that Chuckius had a 4-1 superiority and no wish to make prisoners.
That day night came six hours in advance to Carthago. It was caused by the smoke caused by the fire that engulfed the city.
It is said that, while seeing Carthago aflame, Chuckius was visited by a spirit who, after berating him as a "Depraved, demented, debauched, decadent and deadly murderer". Chuckius, chuckling at that, got the spirit killed just by looking at it.
Then, like a great deal of nutters had done before, send a letter to Rome which could be summarized in just one single sentence:
-As I'm not a kind of pinko republican, I demand you to make me Caesar of the Empire, god and Saviour of man/dogkind.
It goes without saying that the Senate did not like this new-found Tom Cruise personality. Then they got a prize from the gods:
Tiberius Nieblus, cousing of Secundus and of Chuckius, a good and talented puppy who was doing a good career at the Senate. Called Scatman Nieblius, he was going to make history for making the longest short speech in the Senate.
"I’m-m-m-m-m q-q-q-q-q-quite s-s-s-s-s-s-sure that m-m-m-m-m-m-my c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cousing Chuk-k-k-k-k-k-k-kius i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-is a n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nasty f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fellow".
By the time he ended his sentence, the Senators had sentenced Chuckius to die and had gone home. Now it was just a cuestion of finding someone mad enough to make battle to Chuckius.
(1) Not only Chuckius went nuts laughing, me too.
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ROFL offended by that letter indeed ! Always an excellent source of laughs , Kurt ! Keep it up