Children of the Fjords -- A Norweigan CK AAR

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*waves* Hi there. I recently got addicted to this game via a friend of mine (and I'm looking into the other Paradox games as well) and then he went and got me addicted to the after action reports! Doh!

I wish I had known about this earlier, otherwise I would have chronicled 'Sex in the Fjords', which was my first game (as I call it now), chronicling King Olav and his seventeen sons. Not including bastards. They are a fertile folk, those Norweigans....

AND, to make matters WORSE, I'm halfway into this new game already (as the other hit a bug that made it crash and no matter what I did I couldn't get around it), so this first AAR will be light on pictures and heavy on summary as I can't give specific dates. I remember most of what happened tho, and if nothing else, I've gotten some funny stories. (Although I really don't think anything will beat Bastard Magnus from the first game, who went stressed first, then demanded to be recognized as an heir and was. Then, got married and his own county, and proceeded to go stark raving insane.)

*clears throat*

Children of the Fjords

Prologue

On a fine winter's morning in 1066, Olav Haraldsson Yngling was declared King of Norway. He married Eleonora (she was Italian, but I cannot remember where from exactly), a lusty wench who would prove to be his downfall.

She could only have daughters, you see. Olav was beside himself when the first daughter was born, barely a year later. The light of his life, Snofrid was his joy. 'Surely,' he thought to himself, 'my sons are on their way!' After a second daughter (who was packed off to the monks), Eleonora had a son! Unfortunately, Skuli the Spymaster of Norway, brought evidence to the King that his son was a bastard. Rather than pretend someone else's son was his and thus inherit Norway, he exposed his wife for her adultery.

Then she stopped coming into his bed. I wonder why? *scratches head*

At this point, Olav didn't know what to do. Yes, he had forgiven his wife like all good Catholics do, but he should have had her killed instead like a good king. Suddenly, a solution came upon him: Sleep with other women! Thus, his legacy of bastards was born.

The other wenches were happy to accomodate the king, and sooner or later he could legitimize one of his bastards, thus ensuring that his legacy would live on. Besides, Norway was a tough environment for that poor simpering Italian. She'd catch a cold and die sooner or later anyway.

 

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Chapter One: The Rise of Eystein!

Chapter 1: The Rise of Eystein!

Olaf was descended from Vikings. Like all good Vikings, he thought he deserved every wench in the land. Those Finnish wenches looked particularly tasty, so... he up and decided to becomg the King of Finland (this is the game's goal, by the by, to see if I can get a King of Finland AND Norway! Damn those Swedes! *shakes fist*)

Olaf wasn't a military genius... but he wasn't a slouch either.

A... touch light on the finer points of Intrigue, he thought to himself, 'Self, when I conquer territories, I have plenty of bastard sons to pass titles to, not to mention loyal courtiers.' In this way, he maintained a good reputation as he began taking over Finland.

In his lifetime, he was hoping to annex at least ten provinces over the course of thirty years. One every three years didn't seem too rushed, and he gave himself a minimum of five to annex over thirty years, figuring since he became King at sixteen... he could spend the remainder of his years drinking and wenching. Although perpetually broke, he was both strong and pious, and gave Norway peace.

The first step was to get rid of those nasty pagans to the north. NORWAY is the furtherest North country, duh!

Those people firmly under his control--who knew pagans liked it when people beat the holy stuffing out of them?--he decided to move across to Finland a couple of years later. During this time, the King of Denmark thought to himself, "Whoa, this Olaf guy, he's rough! I better not make him mad!" and thus sent Olaf an alliance proposal. Olaf accepted, wondering if he could get those Danish babes later.

The very first step was to take Aaland, which was a tiny island inbetween Sweden and Finland. Ah, Island babes. He was delivered another bastard there, as the islanders proved no problem at all. Graciously instilling the chieftan as a count there, he settled down back at his court, and went out again. This time, Satakunta and their ally (further to the north, no clue on what their name is, but names weren't Olaf's biggest priorities either!) were the target. They fell to Olaf's military might.

Peace reigned for many years. Olaf gave up thinking he would never have a trueborn son. Oh, well. However... those Danes... they needed his help! The Tribes of Mecklenberg were acting all uppity and declared war on his Danish friends. So, since Olaf decided he MIGHT need the Danish armies someday to help him with his nemesis Sweden, he said, "Sure, I'll go to war with you." Besides, maybe he could get a toe hold on the big part of the continent. Olaf was very canny like that.

*coughs* Besides, hot German women.

However! Eleonora must have worried about Olaf while he was away at war with Finland, and couldn't bear to see him go to war with the Mecks without giving him a proper send-off. Woo! A month later, he was delivered the news that his wife was expecting. There was much high-fiving and "Yeah, I nailed her" (... "Well, so did I, sire.") going on. Maybe... no. It'd be another daughter. Olaf shrugged it off.

He concentrated his sorta military mind on getting a toehold on the main continent (Norway and Sweden are their own continent don't you know!) and helping his Danish allies. He was preparing his campaign after months of grueling travel when far away in Norway, Eleonora had a son, Eystein! There was MUCH rejoicing. (Side note: This is the reason why I have screenies... I saw a son and went "OMGBBQ! SAVE!!!!" so I have this game saved on the day Eystein was born.)

However, this is where things went bad. Literally two days after Eystein was born, Olaf was killed in battle. The... funny part about this in the GAME is that Eystein took over Olav's regiment. I clicked on the anonymous commander icon... and it brought up Eystein. I went:

So. We call him Eystein Battle-Born. Thus, the saga of Eystein, infant King of Norway begins.

 

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Chapter 2: The Psychotic Infant King

Chapter 2: The Psychotic Infant King

Poor Eystein. He never knew his father. He was two days old, and the King of Norway. Due to a glitch in the game, he was also the commander of his father's regiment... and won the battle, earning him the name "Battle-Born". Ah, well.

Things were going fine for the first year. The vassals were a bit uppity, but they let Eystein have his first year in peace, more or less. And then...

BAM! Revolt here and a revolt there! Here a revolt, there a revolt, everywhere a revolt-volt!

(Side note: Unfortunately, I don't have screenies. I could play the game from when Eystein is born, but his dad is still alive there--it's random that he died, so I couldn't guarantee that Olav would die again... I DO, however, have screenies from about the mid-point in this game where I'm at, so when I get to that point, you'll get screenies again. Sorries.)

Eystein was distressed. "Burble, burble," he said, chewing on his wooden horse. His advisors took that as 'Bring them back in line.' What they didn't know was that Eystein meant, "Kill them all, let God sort them out." In his name, the advisors took to the field, and one by one brought the vassals back in line.

After Eystein beat most of his vassals back in line, the Danish said, "Wow, he's like his dad, and he's only two! We better ally with him!" And so they did. There was much rejoicing, and Eystein's vassals thanked their lucky stars they got to keep their seats of power. That was the advisors' decision. Eystein's first word at this point was, "kquill." Or kill. ... at the age of three, he had a Martial of 4. Battle-born indeed.

At the age of six or seven (I misremember), Eystein's uncle decided to rebel against him. This was the blow that broke Norway. Refusing to give up any land that his father hand originally (he let some vassals go peacefully; they were in Scotland and Iceland, to heck with them anyway--their time will come later), Eystein was soon locked in battle with his uncle. Now, his uncle was the Duke of Trondelog at the time, and pretty powerful in his own right.

He was no match for Eystein. After a hard, grueling, four-year campaign, Eystein was able to bring his Uncle Ale to his knees. He stripped his Uncle of the title Duke, but allowed him to keep his titles of Count. And to make sure his Uncle never rebelled again? Ten-year-old Eystein blinded him. (The *second* after I made peace, Ale got the trait 'Blind'. O.O)

His Uncle got the message. He never revolted again...and anytime Eystein declared war afterwards, he always declared war with him, determined to be on the winning side. Eystein's Martial at this point was 9 or 10.

It was a very impious act though (-75 Piety) and horribly unprestigious (-700 Prestige). Counts were dying left, right, and sideways. There were at least seven other children lieges in Norway. Vassals were revolting everywhere, and the stability of Norway soon crumpled.

(Note that this is about mid-point--so it doesn't look TOO bad except for gold... there was damage control done at this point tho.)

Not only that, but the King of Sweden became the Papal controller. This is important later on. They eyed the bloodthirsty child warily. Amazingly enough, after most of the revolts settled, his vassals were devotedly loyal to him. Only a couple of the pagan provinces had any problems with him, which was understandable, really.

Children roamed the fjords freely, doing what they wanted! Other vassals dealt with rebels in their own provinces, slaughtering peasants left and right. There was no escape from the bloody swath. When the smoke had cleared...the advisors took Eystein aside and told him that since he was nearly an adult now, he needed to act like one. They told him that his father was a noble King (*cough cough*) who wanted to see a strong Norway. One in particular, on his deathbed, told Eystein to "Grow the <bleep!> up."

Eystein, slightly ashamed, realized that in order to conquer the world, he did indeed need a strong Norway. He hung up his sword at sixteen, and vowed to bring peace to Norway, whatever it took. He'd just kick a cat or something when he felt uppity.

 

[stnylan]

That is some gold deficit! And a good start to your tale.

Welcome to the world of AAR-writing. I hope you enjoy yourself. Any questions, please feel free to drop me a PM.

 

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Chapter 3: My Family Hates Me

Chapter 3: My Family Hates Me

Ah yes. Sixteen years old, 14 Martial score... a country in turmoil. Eystein needed to get things together if he was ever going to on a bloody rampage and kill infidels in the name of the Church (huzzah!). Oh, and those pagans in Finland too. We must make Dad's dream come true...

But to do that, Eystein needed to get Norway back on track. For that, he needed a good court, and since he was missing a steward... (Eystein: *puts on his halo and whistles innocently*) he decided to marry a steward. After some searching, he found Ida, one of those hot German babes his dad was so fascinated with. Ah, irony.

She was hot, smart, and he forced himself into the bedchamber on the wedding night. She gave him a daughter. Five years later, he forced himself BACK into the bedchamber (as he's lusty for blood, not wenches) and finally performed his duty and produced a son. The succession was secure.

Alright, now with a steward and kids, he had a good start in rebuilding Norway to its former glory. He immediately cranked up his donations to the church, as his Catholic vassals didn't like that he was so impious... so he threw money at the problem! At the same time, he turned down his scutage. After all, it was cheaper in the long run to please them NOW rather than have to raise an army and go on a killing spree again. Soldiers cost way more than a few taxes. His vassals rejoiced!

Without having to worry about any revolts, he could turn his mind to prestige. Unfortunately, without any sort of money to throw at things, he really had to just sit there and weather it out, waiting for people to recognize how powerful he really was. Everyone liked him... (he had a respectable or honorable reputation for ALL of his reign so far) but they thought he was ineffectual. This burned Eystein rather badly, and he began to beat his children under the guise of 'teaching' them. (Re: 'Beating is a good teaching method!' event for both children. X.x) Having to restrain himself, he took his frustration out on the court. His court became massively disloyal. And then...

The first assassination attempt.

He survived, but became severely wounded. So they tried again, the next day. Again, Eystein beat off the assassin and likely had some fun with strewing entrails about the room, being blood-thirsty as he is. Tough, though.

Those canny observers might notice the other blue icon. Yes, it was at this point the courtiers in Eystein's court called upon Eystein's greatest enemy (at this point anyway): Sweden. Sweden promptly had him excommunicated.

Vassals AGAIN had a fit, and so bed-ridden Eystein had to send out his marshall to put down some uppity counts. He installed new counts, and they were very happy to be there. The old ones got the axe. Eystein couldn't wield it himself, and was sad for it, but... at least that crisis was over. For the most part. Because of the excommunication, the stability of the realm was threatened. While Eystein managed to make it a LITTLE more stable, the damn Swedes made sure that every year, like clockwork, Eystein had to spend 300 or so gold to KEEP it stable. To top off the insult, Eystein was excommunicated AFTER his piety hit over 200... and he made a bishoperic in his realm to do so! The nerve!

Eystein was tempted to stop spending gold on that... but, stability was the key to get. If he could get that going on, and not have so many terrible things happen to him at random, then maybe... JUST maybe, he could turn it around for his son, Tore, to go on the bloody rampage. More frustrations were taken out on the court. Damn courtiers anyway. Who needs 'em?

Unfortunately... his mother was a courtier. Whoopsie. After Eystein took a year recovering from his wounds, and was healthy again (recovered from the injury, huzzah!)... someone ELSE tried to assassinate him. Ok, the spymaster's head went rolling down the halls for THAT one. Not only did they tried to kill him once, but when he survived... they tried again. And when he survived THAT, they tried AGAIN. And when he didn't die? His mother defected to Sweden. Thanks, mom.

She.. couldn't kill him, so she left. The assassination attempts stopped for a while. Eystein healed... AGAIN. Amazing. The King... the psychotic infant king of Norway, born in battle... was invincible. Ha-ha! People were starting to recognize his power! Screw the pope. Eystein stopped contributing money to him at all, and started concentrating on getting gold back in his coffers. Those wars.... eesh. He'd send an assassin after mommy if he could afford it. Oh, well.

Then... his wife wanted the latest fashion. Eystein blinked, and looked at her, saying in a gentle voice, "Now, honey, you're the steward. You know how broke we are. Do you really think it's wise to go flitting off after some bards? I know... it's not Germany, and we don't have brats and liederhosen, but... you know... we have lutefisk."

"What," she said, "is lutefisk?"

"Uhm, rotten cod soaked in lye and served in butter sauce."

Eystein got a message shortly after that that his steward was stealing from him. His wife is his steward... *scratches head* At least his son and his daughter still love him.

For now.

 

[unmerged(91895)]

That is some gold deficit! And a good start to your tale.

Welcome to the world of AAR-writing. I hope you enjoy yourself. Any questions, please feel free to drop me a PM.

...it gets worse. :rofl:

 

[Veldmaarschalk]

...it gets worse. :rofl:

Is that even possible ?


I am enjoying it so far, this is proof that a good AAR doesn't always have to be about a succesfull game

 

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It's possible... right now, the game is summed up to where I"m at. However... the Mecks are very disloyal right now, and I've run a couple small "test" games at this point to see if I can retake the Meck provinces before Denmark declares war on them, they revolt, or both happen at once. The test games don't look pretty. And soon, I will figure a good way to keep this updated while I'm running the game, so that when I finish with playing, I can just do some quick editing and polishing up, and then have the post ready.

Out of ten test games, once Tore inherited the throne and lost half of Norway, 7 times Denmark attacked the Mecks (it's always fun seeing the two pop-ups "Your Vassal has been attacked!" and "Your ally is going to war!" at the same time. X.x) and twice the Mecks rebelled and declared war on me. Best case scenario? Eystein dies. *sigh*

But, this game is hella fun to mess around with and see what affects what.

Definitely not successful. XD

 

[stnylan]

Excommunications are always fun

 

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Chapter 4: The End of Eystein

Chapter 4: The End of Eystein

(Well, after those test games... and I went back into it to play... Eystein didn't last long. :O )

Severely wounded, Eystein had a run of good and bad luck. First, we need to back up a bit and show the current situation with those Hot German Babes. Eystein's first battle was taking over the Mecks, and he won! However, due to his mistreatment of his mother (Mommy!!!) and her leaving for the King of Sweden (*shakes fist*), those wiley Germans were plotting something...

However, thanks to helping out his Danish friends before, he had a province relatively nearby.

Tee-hee-hee. Silly Danes. And! It was an insult to Sweden. Tee-hee-hee. Eystein still could get his kicks, even bedridden and sick as the wound turned septic. Drats.

Anyway, the Mecks got uppity at this point, and decided to declare war.

Eystein just couldn't handle it! Thankfully, his Danish friends LEAPT to the rescue!!

Eystein figured they could handle it, and... well, his wife was kinda all busy with a thieves guild she founded in Akershus and he was busy dying... the Danes could have the Germans. They were too much trouble.

If THAT wasn't enough for Eystein, he was attacked in his bedchamber again! (Back in the day, his father Olaf was attacked constantly, but alas, this wasn't a wench with a pillow.)

Very unfortunately, the assassin actually killed him this time. If the histories remember it right, there were nine assassination attempts on him... the last one obviously succeeding. Ah, well... the new king is five. That bodes well, right? I mean, Eystein was TWO DAYS OLD when he took over and look what he did for Norway!

So, Tore (hee hee, you can tell what Eystein had on his mind when he named the kid...) has inherited the kingdom. The kingdom will go through yet ANOTHER massive upheaval... but at least he's not excommunicated, right?

 

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Chapter 5: The Terror of Tore

Chapter 5: The Terror of Tore

*cracks knuckles*

Alright. You're four years old and the kingdom of Norway just passed to you. The vassals are looking at you like you are a delicious meat puppet. What do you do?

You BUY them of course! Well, look at it this way. Eystein left the treasury (thanks to his master thief obsessive spender wife) empty, and the crown in massive debt. What's another thousand on top of that? Especially if it keeps the vassals in line. This worked more or less for the big ones, the Dukes, but the little pagan counts we didn't bother to buy them off. No, we just went to war... because we could take them.

And could you blame him? That was what the loyalty looked like after the crown switched heads. Children of the Fjords indeed. Perhaps... if the Duchy of Trondelog wanted the crown, then maybe he should have killed Eystein BEFORE he had a son.

Oh, yeah. Invincible Eystein. Hmm.

Well, he wasn't totally invincible. The assassins eventually did get him, and left poor little Tore behind, who loved his father very much... even if his father did beat him for his own good.

Well, the revolts come and go, and right when another one comes... FRANCE comes to the rescue! Yes, that's right, France wants to ally with this masochistic child who misses his daddy and whose mommy is robbing him blind. Does France just WANT to surrender? Are they kicking so much boo-tay in their part of the world that they have to have someone surrender FOR them? What. The. Hell. Seriously.

Still, an ally's an ally, and since Denmark allied itself with the Duchy of Trondelog (*shakes fist* Damn you, Danes!) instead of limping-along Norway, Norway accepted. Less than a week later, we found out why...

Rassin-frassin French! Grarslfdalsfdasdfla!!!! (That's Norweigan for <bleep!>in' <bleeps!>)

Ok, fine. They're far enough away and maybe they'll sue for peace and give us money and we wont' have to lift a finger. Hmm. Maybe we should declare war on some of those infidels and see if they'll give us cash... that's an idea that Tore will save in reserve, for now.

So, a few more counties decide they can take on the Emo Infant King, but they lose. Huzzah! Maintaining the status quo, go Tore! It's your birthday. You're six.... *rolls eyes* However, the provinces loyalty improve greatly with a few bags of gold and a few people smacked around.

It's not ideal, but it's a start. The Dukes haven't rebelled yet, though they took advantage of the loss of power behind the throne to institute a law Tore was already going to institute. Let's see... Tore changes this law to what he wants and you get more loyal? Sign him up!

But that's not enough for SOMEONE! No, whether it's the power mad dukes, or his thieving slave-ring running whore of a mother, no... someone has it out for Tore. And he's six. They can't just take a pillow and smother him? He's THAT hard to kill?! Well, he *is* Eystein's son, but... man, he's six!

Tore comes out of it severely wounded. A six year old lived through an assassination attempt. It couldn't have been his mother. She has enough connections and money to wipe out an entire army of six year olds. Just in case, Tore makes her his chancellor instead of steward (as one of Granddad's bastard sons came back to court with a kick butt steward wife who was insanely loyal, ha! Take THAT mom!) Might have been the Pope. Why?

A-hahahahaha! Thanks Pope! Getting the realm set to rest, that's what you're there for!

Speaking of the Pope, when is he going to die?! Come on, Sweden, give some other country a chance to excommunicate the rulers of Norway!

Upheavals continue time and time again, but Tore weathers it all pretty well. His prestige is up, not like his dad's at all, and he never had to worry about "Maybe" getting excommunicated, as the Pope declared him the spawn of Satan right away. Life wasn't bad. And, the general of his armies was even named Eystein and looked like his dad! Yay!

Of course, the poor tyke's wounds turned septic, and then the counts just started insulting him on top of everything, because they couldn't win against his psuedo-dad's armies.

Ha-ha. Yes, Lappland was conquered (again) and now, it was time to turn Aaland back into a proper Norweigan province. Last one, FINALLY.

Oh, come ON! Jeez, Imelda Marcos, have enough liederhosen yet?!

It ends with the Duke of Trondelog sending Tore his daughter as a fosterling. Well, a nine year old emo king who cuts himself because his mother is a flipping traitorous (yet talented) witch (I WISH! Give me the event to burn Mommy, please!!), crying over the death of his sadistic daddy is better than the sadistic daddy himself.

Things have more or less stabilized in Norway. Tore is... well, he's maturing in h is own little way, and he's clinging on even though he's sick and wounded. You just get on with your little crying self.

 

[stnylan]

What an interesting time to live!

In a sense, like father like son

 

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Haven't read it all yet, but this looks great! You've got a nice way of story-telling

Definitely following.

 

[Capibara]

Very nice start, I like your writing style, I'll be following