I used to play chess as a wee lad. Never been good at it. I'd fall in love with the sheer complexity of the current position and lose the game trying to come up with some multi-layered plan of action when the victory could be achieved by making "boring" (but also effective) moves.
Perhaps this is why my first political scheme in CK3 was a harebrained one. Let's start with the main character of this tragicomic story.
The young countess here is not a historical character, of course. No one in the world knows who she is or where she came from. If I had the option to create the backstory for Natalia de Logudoro, she would be the only heir of some dude who looks and speaks like a Mediterranean Tywin Lannister.
Being new at the game, I didn't know how the stats work, what they do or how high they are supposed to be. That's why Judesa Natalia starts with uncharacteristically high (for a non-combatant) Prowess and Martial stats - 10 points in each. She can't use or improve her skills by taking part in the actual battle, mind you. But all these 10's look nice, yeah?
Since Natalia is a pretty lady in the world ruled mostly by men, her "pleasing female physique" (as the game puts it) would become a significant boon in the foreign and domestic affairs. That was the plan, at least. It was partially thwarted on the very first day by my Marshal.
This cheeky bastard Mighele is impervious to Natalia's charms. My plan is
cunning, but this man is gay.
He continued to serve as Marshal for the next 35 years despite his rather average skill. His presence has served as a reminder - "don't be so full of yourself, this dude once destroyed your little scheme simply by being gay"
Anyway. The reason for choosing Sardinia as my "noob start" should be obvious. The entire region consists of only 8 counties. In addition, Mediterranean Sea is well-known as a cradle of civilization and trade. Even small kingdoms can be prosperous here, and that was exactly the kind of kingdom I wanted to create.
All I need now is a good strategy.
STEP ONE. UNITE THE ISLAND OF SARDINIA AND CREATE MY FIRST DUCHY.
My future rival, Arzoccu, is actually a decent chap. Well-educated, even-tempered and most importantly - unmarried. So what would be the smartest way to seize his lands and add them to my realm? This man is scared shitless of my teenage psychopath - hell, even his coat of arms has
a chicken on it - so I can do whatever I want. As my next move I could:
a) Assassinate Arzoccu, which would cause his realm to be split in two. These bite-sized pieces can be easily conquered by the combined might of my three counties.
b) Get some money, create a duchy and turn Arzoccu into my vassal.
c) Natalia is a lady, for chrissakes. She can just marry the guy. He won't have the balls to reject the matrilineal marriage.
All these options are completely reasonable. Naturally, I've chosen something completely different and more stupid - by several orders of magnitude.
Of course! Why wouldn't you choose the Diplomacy focus as a high Intrigue character?
My main mistake was to assume that this perk will give me the option to conquer both of Arzoccu's counties in one go. I mean, why would anyone stop at just one? What is the rationale here?
In my defence I can only say that it wasn't a completely baseless decision. You see, the Sardinians - being the big-brained geniuses they are - didn't invent some way to
declare a war. You'd think that this stuff should be relatively straightforward, especially in the 9th century - you have an enemy, go stab him until he's dead. Here. You have a war
.
But no.
Natalia can't (and to be fair, really shoudn't) lead armies and risk her life, which leads us to the
STEP ZERO-POINT-FIVE. FIND A COMPLETE CHAD OF A HUSBAND.
I was like "okay, he doesn't have to be virtuous or smart, just give me the decent commander". But then!..
He is 40 years old though. I hope he won't die of some medieval ass cancer. My campaign of greatness and stupidity will start only after 6 years and 8 months of rigorous research. We must figure out how to spell "war" in our official documents. Until then, there is not much to do. Well, I can pray for a super-smart heir.
But wait!
STEP ZERO-POINT-SEVENTY-FIVE. YEET THE MOTHER OF MY RIVAL OUT OF MY COUNCIL. WHAT AM I, CRAZY? I WON'T KEEP HER AS MY SPYMASTER.
Done-zo banan-zo.
...the poor girl doesn't even speak Sardinian. I just picked a random person with spymaster-y vibes. As you can see, she was immediately put to work. In order to create the kingdom of Sardinia and Corsica I will need... let me consult my notes here... ah! I need Corsica. It's a part of Italy at the moment and I have no idea how to bullshit my way around this obstacle. It's my first playthrough, don't forget. Also, I'm determined not to take any other lands and win my kingdom through intrigue and careful political maneuvering.
Sorry, that was the past me talking. The present me knows how it actually went down. It was kinda hilarious.
Apologies for my awkward English. Stay tuned for more.
