Imperial Cheese Part 2: The 'Historical' Run

[TheButterflyComposer]

Imperial Cheese Part 2: The 'Historical' Run​

A gigantic airship slowly emerges from the early morning mist.

“So…it’s not about drugs?”

“Apparently not.”

Augustus Cheesolini, the Mighty Cheesare, First Emperor of the Restored Roman Empire, the great conqueror of Russia and Germania, King of the Beach and failed Cheesemonger, sat in his throne and brooded. It was the hour he had set aside for Debussy, and yet his court had seen fit to ruin it by bringing in all kinds of Avant Garde rubbish.

“Why are you lot even here?” the ex-Emperor said, wisely. “I’m sure I left you all in charge of the Empire whilst I wandered the globe with my remaining circus animals that I have not yet managed to turn into heads of state.

Alan, universal secretary and general dogsbody, nodded along. “Yes you did. But we resolved everything so well after 6 months that the King of Italy kicked us all out and told us to take all that vacation time we’d saved up over a decade’s worth of taking over the world.”

Beancounter, Greatest of All Accountants, nodded wearily. “You would not believe how surprisingly easy it was to make the trains run on time once a fascist idiot wasn’t running everything.”

“Ah,” Cheesolini nodded sagely. “So why’s General Catastrophe here?”

“I’d already conquered the world. What else was I supposed to do?” the surprisingly sensible and competent Italian retorted.

“But why is he here?”

“I snuck on board once my invitation was obviously lost in the post,” Colonel Kaboom said proudly.

“Right…and why am I here?”

The other imperials looked at each other. “You never really explained why you retired from being Emperor of Rome, but we assumed you had some sort of zany scheme and thought it best not to get in your way. Had we known you only wanted to set up shop in Morecambe-”

“Silence. That never happened,” the ex-Emperor snapped.

“You never did explain how everything came to be set on fire?”

“That does sound rather unusual for a cheese shop, if it existed. Which it didn’t, because that would mean I failed at something and that’s impossible.”

“Yes, Mighty Cheesare.”

“Thank you, Alan, but you don’t have to call me that anymore. I’m retired.”

“You’ll always be Mighty Cheesare to me, Mighty Cheesare. Plus…well…what else would I call you?”

“…Ben, I suppose.”

“That does sound wrong.”

“Yes, it does. Let’s not try that again. By the way Alan, remind me. Who’s flying this contraption?”

The great airship crashed into the ocean with tremendous slowness.

“Bugger. It took years of evil Nazi science to build that.”

“I’m sorry, Mighty Cheesare.”

“No matter. Alright everyone, there’s land over there. Let’s find out where the hell we are.”

Beancounter frowned as a broadsheet newspaper conveniently hit him in the face, blown aloft by the sea breeze. “Hmm. I think you mean, when we are.”

“No…I mean where. When is a property of location too.”

“I bow before Mighty Cheesare’s superior scientific acumen.”

“Yes, best to do that. Anyway, you were implying in a round about manner that it is not, in fact, 1946?”

“No, Mighty Cheesare. It is the 31st of December 1935.”

“Bugger and tarnation. All the alcohol is going to sink on this ship, and I’ll have nothing to toast the new year in with!”

“Sire, I fear we have bigger problems.”

“I was going to overlook the fact that none of you got me anything for Christmas Alan, but now you mention it…”

“No, I mean we appear to have gone backwards in time and are just off the coast of Italy just before the crazy events that led to you discovering the secret of Cheese.”

“I believe it was referred to as the Spirit of Cheese entering my heart in the previous story…which doesn’t sound all that healthy, now I think of it.”

“Well…” General Catastrophe paused to think of something sensible and sane to say in this situation. It took a while. “What do we do now?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“If this is one of your classic plans sire, probably not.”

“This one is obvious though. We have to get to Rome, kill my old self, dump the body in the compost, find all your doppelgangers, kill them too and then start a fruit orchard. This fruit orchard shall grow to become a fine source of precious fruits. These precious fruits-”

“So to sum up, we’re going to coup ourselves and do everything all over again?”

“Oh no, Alan. I’m sure this time it’ll be much less interesting…”​

To Be Continued
…


Immediately, in Chapter 1 below.

…​

EDIT: Title changed to reflect that so far as historical runs go, this game is going to hell for lying.​

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Chapter 1: Second Introductions

1st January 1936​

It took but a moment for the intrepid team of world conquerors to salvage as much booze and pornography from the sinking ship as possible, set the remainder alight and swim to freedom.

“This takes me back.”

“Shut up, Kaboom.”

After a night of drunken debauchery and a police chase through the winding hills of Tuscany, our heroes arrived in Rome, effortlessly fought their way into the House of Fascism, and threw the old/new Mussolini down some stairs.

“That was easy.”

A pair of panicked screams ripped through the palace.

“Oh yeah…I used to have pet lions. How did we forget that?”

“Through great effort, sire,” Alan shuddered, remembering many a time Mr Snuggles and Mr Snuggley did not appreciate their master being awoken with urgent business.

“Ah, I’m sure Catastrophe and Kaboom can handle it.”

A worrying amount of time later, just as Beancounter was finishing off his counterpart in the toilets behind a bus station, the relatively intact duo caught up with them.

“Please tell me we’re done?”

“I think so, General,” Beancounter said, washing his hands. “Now what?”

“I suppose we have to go sort out the paperwork now,” the newly reinstated Cheesolini said ruefully. “From what I recall, Italy used to be just awful before I took over in ’36.”
​

​

“You’ve been in power since 1922.”

“Really? Wow…I used to suck. Anyway,” the ex-Emperor and new dictator wandered off down the street.

The Cheese Team assembled in his new/old offices to look at the old/new map and old/new world situation.

“Okay, this is getting silly. From now on, when we did it before, it was the Prime Cheese timeline, and this one is the Cheesolini Experience.”

Nobody agreed, and he sat in the corner sulking whilst everyone else got to work.​

…​

“Right,” Beancounter began, “I see that the…” he rolled his eyes, “previous fascist nutjob, had at least recognised that Italy has an army, a navy, and an air force.”
​

​

“That’s good,” Cheesolini said from his corner.

“And that they are all dreadful.”

“That’s bad.”

“But we do have a heck of a lot more options than last time.”
​

​

“That’s good.”

“Most of them involving killing you.”

“That’s bad.”

Alan turned over a page. “Oh look, this time we seem to have recognised that Italy has more companies than Beretta to make war materials. We actually have a proper manufacturer for each of our needs.”
​

“That’s good.”

"Oh...but only Fiat making all our vehicles again..."
​

​

"That's bad."

“Our list of acceptable applicants for government work also doesn’t include any active enemies of the state, dead people or figments of Swedish imagination.”
​

​

“That’s…better than last time?”

“Just so, sire.”

Catastrophe checked through some troop positions and tech projects and groaned. “Unfortunately, we begin exactly as we did last time. In a war with Ethiopia, but with almost all of our soldiers and planes in Italy, using equipment from 1918, and support equipment from earlier than that.”
​

“Hmm. That doesn’t seem optimal for victory. Is there a SIM report?”

“No sire, because SIM did not exist until after we had already conquered half of Europe. Currently Italian state security is maintained through furtive whispering and the fact that no one seems to care about what we’re doing.”
​

​

“I’m going to try and see the positives in that statement.”

Alan finished taking notes. “So to sum up, we’re sending everything to Ethiopia, actually forming some armies to fight the war we started, and setting up a war industry to pay and provide for all the stuff we’ll need.”

“Right after we’ve researched basic machine tools.”
​

​

“Sire…it’s 1936. Why the hell does Italy not know what basic machine tooling is? Actually, how the hell are we producing planes and ships without basic machine tools?”

“With great difficulty, from the looks of things,” Beancounter noted absently. “I’ve cancelled all the ship building except for trade convoy ships. For a country utterly dependent on imports, we have bugger all ships to do shipping with.”
​

“And I’m still pathologically afraid of the ocean and thus don’t do naval strategy,” Cheesolini said wisely. Then he frowned. “Actually, I might be even more so after just surviving an airship crash into the Med. Remind me to get a therapist, Alan.”

“God, I don’t think anyone is qualified to-I mean, yes Mighty Cheesare.”

“And build some railways. Fascism is nothing without railways!”
​

​

“Of course, Mighty Cheesare. And what should we do about the Sultanate of Aussa?”
​

“…what the hell is an Aussa?”
​

To Be Continued​

 

[HistoryDude]

Another TBC AAR? I'll subscribe.

Why is the Emperor of the Restored Roman Empire a different person from the King of Italy? Was this explained in the first AAR?

What is the Sultanate of Aussa?

This is going to be hilarious.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Why is the Emperor of the Restored Roman Empire a different person from the King of Italy? Was this explained in the first AAR?

So HOI4 is a very realistic historical simulation of 30s and 40s. Which means it knows that mussolini is only head of government and the king of Italy is still king of Italy in 1936.

However, once you make Augustus Mussolini a thing, complete with golden laurel wreath, the king is still there...just sort of...awkwardly hanging around.

So in the first aar he was still king of Italy, just outranks by the new emperor who leapfrogged him in precedent everywhere except Italy, and who retained him as an heir should anything bad happen.

Hence, Victor Emmanuel just sort of hung out with the cast every so often and became increasingly one of the few sane voices in an overcrowded room full of maniacs.

And most of the crazies werent even italian. The British and germans were much weirder until the former had a personality transplant and became the world's first superpower. The americans were dangerously stupid, the french were rubbish, and the soviets failed to contend with the rest of them.

You don't really need to have read part one to get most of what's coming. It's just these first two bits and some inevitable referencing back every so often afterwards.

The first AAR was made because HOI4 and esepcially italy being the PC (and thus all the proper powers being AI) made the game really weird.

As we shall see, this is still the case in 2024.

What is the Sultanate of Aussa?

A country that did not exist in the previous timeline (several dlc and updates ago in 2021) so everyone is naturally quite confused.

They'll be even more confused by what the AI now does as standard in every game but will seem like madness to them.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

To just go over how busted Italy is to begin with in 1936, they've not got much research weapons wise beyond 1918, and as noted, not even that for support weapons.

They do have a sizable airforce of several hundred planes, and a pretty decent army of about 100k men I think, both of which are far more than Ethiopia has.

Of course, none of that is in Ethiopia despite that war starting October 1935, aka several months ago.

Italy is one of the funner and most varied of the great powers to play, but it is also the weakest and most ill prepared for a world war. This time round, there won't even be a supremely cheesy power boost giving them the roman empire buffs, so they'll have to actually react and respond to the rest of Europe existing.

And just so everyone is aware, this is as default an HOI4 experience as I can make it with all the dlc running. Historical focus mode on, no buffs or debuffs or specific instructions to any nations ai. This is just a default, normal, supposedly historically accurate game run, with player controlled Italy.

Nothing crazy should happen.

Given this AAR sequel exists, I suspect you can already tell what happened next.

 

[Historywhiz]

they've not got much research weapons wise beyond 1918, and as noted, not even that for support weapons.

To be fair, I think this is less “no one has researched anything between 1918-1936” and more “Paradox can’t be assed to look up/research what things were developed when prior to 1936” so they just go with a basic list of things that some nations had prior to 1936 and claim they all came out around 1918.

This is far from the most ridiculous thing about the tech tree in the game, as you yourself note with basic machine tools.

 

[Bullfilter]

Here we go again!

when we did it before, it was the Prime Cheese timeline, and this one is the Cheesolini Experience.

Imperial Cheese 2: Cheese Harder - The Gorgonzola Affair.

Nobody agreed

Quite right.

​

​

So is Roatta elusive? Or is he an illusion? Or maybe the latter makes him the former?

this is as default an HOI4 experience as I can make it with all the dlc running. Historical focus mode on, no buffs or debuffs or specific instructions to any nations ai. This is just a default, normal, supposedly historically accurate game run, with player controlled Italy.

Ok, that answered my only initial questions for the run, except - how cheesy do you intend to get?

Nothing crazy should happen.

Ahem. Right. So one expects the batsh!t to start flying around from the get-go!

 

[Nikolai]

It's alive back! Loving it.

 

[Idhrendur]

It returns!

 

[El Pip]

We actually have a proper manufacturer for each of our needs.”

"Oh...but only Fiat making all our vehicles again...

Rare case of Paradox's lack of effort being the correct response.

Sire…it’s 1936. Why the hell does Italy not know what basic machine tooling is?

Accurate modelling of the Italian industrial base?

And what should we do about the Sultanate of Aussa?

Get very upset that it is not an Italian puppet state, as it was historically.

So is Roatta elusive? Or is he an illusion? Or maybe the latter makes him the former?

He was named "The Black Beast of Yugoslavia" and never faced any punishment for what he did, so I would suggest it is a reference to him being elusive from justice. Certainly he was no gentleman, except under a very nasty Fascist Italy definition of the word.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Imperial Cheese 2: Cheese Harder - The Gorgonzola Affair.

If I think of a proper name or something from the AAR jumps out at some point, it'll change. For now, noting that Italy and the game is very different should suffice.

So is Roatta elusive? Or is he an illusion? Or maybe the latter makes him the former?

Everyone on the first page of government choices seems reasonable enough for fascist Italy, and in the positions they say they are in. The greyed out ones presumably are not so sensible, but that's for different governments or situations we may cover later on or in a further sequel where we explore the surprisingly in depth communist branches.

Ok, that answered my only initial questions for the run, except - how cheesy do you intend to get?

Not as much. The first game was about finding out how broken the game gets if italy becomes the super power in europe very quickly. After giving them the buff of new roman empire before they actually earnt it, conquering the med was rather easy because i had claims and cores on everything.

Then it became a waiting game to see if anyone was capable of responding to me, which turned out to be the British (eventually once they stopped being stupid).

This time, Italy is going to chill, and do the talking turkey method of expansion (aka when we think we can get away with it untill ww2 breaks out). After the war with ethooia ends, we have a lot to fix and repair with italy itself before i could really fight anyone else.

Rare case of Paradox's lack of effort being the correct response.

We need to find out at some point whether they've fixed the tech tree as well, or whether italy is still just making mildly armoured cars and calling them tanks.

Accurate modelling of the Italian industrial base?

Certainly whoever did the debuffs on the state screen for italy seems to know how rubbish everything was industry, army, navy and airforce was. Lots of 'this should be a lot better than it is'.

Get very upset that it is not an Italian puppet state, as it was historically.

Their two infantry divs would actually be useful immediately on start because of how italy starts with only a dozen divs in Ethiopia spread out across the north and south fronts. And for some reason, only 12 planes at all, despite there being 600+ doing nothing elsewhere.

He was named "The Black Beast of Yugoslavia" and never faced any punishment for what he did, so I would suggest it is a reference to him being elusive from justice. Certainly he was no gentleman, except under a very nasty Fascist Italy definition of the word.

Almost all of the options were people who voted out mussolini otl, which could be interesting to bring up in the AAR. Especially the one who was a Mediterranean supremacist and thought the southern European races were the bees knees, not like those nasty nordic races the nazis loved.

The other funny one is the secret service option (for when we actually start one) who in his diary upon hearing of italy joining the war against france said words to the effect of: 'oh dear'.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

There's a new TBTM chapter out too BTW.

Holidaying this week so should be updates to either aar most days. I also really have to do an update for my character in @Idhrendur mega campaign...

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Chapter 2: Preparing to fight the current war, that started ages ago. Oh well...

2nd January 1936​

Augustus Cheesolini pondered whether he should wear the large and impressive fez with tassel and golden Italian Roman eagle, or the magnificent golden laurel wreath he crowned himself with after declaring himself Emperor, before reclaiming the Roman Empire.
​

​

It was a big decision.

“Mighty Cheesare! Mighty Cheesare!”

“Yes Alan?” The great leader did not stop his posing or contemplation in front of the mirrors in his rooms.

“We’ve finished compiling the current information about the situation throughout the world, figured out what’s going on with Ethiopia, and what the Aussa are. Was. Is?”

“Good, good,” he flexed his pecks and wondered whether he should see what he looked like clothed with either hat on?
​

​

“In regards to Ethiopia, it seems the powers that be of this timeline are a bit more with it in regards to the unavoidably awful things we are doing, and much more willing to be hypocritical about colonial atrocities committed by a smaller colonial power.”

“Hmm. Interesting. Britain was such a wet blanket in foreign affairs. At least until Churchill couped everyone. I don’t suppose…?”

“No, he’s still in the wilderness, bricklaying and being a drunk. We should probably just leave him there. Unless there’s a war any time soon, he’ll be well out of things.”

“Excellent. So, what’s the deal?”

“Basically, we have to win the war quickly, or Ethiopia will be given increasingly powerful complaining options, until they grow so annoying someone might actually do something.”

“Alright. Anything else?”
​

​

“Your predecessor seemed to have a grand but rather foolish ambition of controlling the Adriatic coastline, Greece, and North Africa from Tunis to Suez.”

“That’s it?” Cheesolini asked in horror.

“I’m afraid so, Mighty Cheesare. Enough to make Italy the enemy of almost every other great power, but nowhere near strong enough to compete.”

“What an imbecile. We should have killed him harder.”

“Indeed, Mighty Cheesare. I assume you have come up with a better plan using your wonderful brain genius?”

“I have indeed. A few notes for now but the potential is there.”
​

​

Alan paused to read the crayon scrawling and pictures. He nodded.

“Well that certainly is aggrandising. I really like the duckie.”

“Thank you!” Cheeseolini’s face flushed with pleasure. “I really got the shading on the wings, didn’t I?”

“You really did. Can I change our economy into war mode?”
​

​

“Of course. Why weren’t we already?”

“Pride, mostly. I expect. It gives us nothing but benefits to shift to war economy, but it does make us look a little pathetic to do it when we’re ‘just’ fighting Ethiopia.”

“I shall simply have to wear a bigger hat to ride things out. Should we change our trade policy?”
​

​

Alan looked down at Beancounter’s notes. “It would help to go free trade or export focus but for now, given how resource starved we are, we’re probably better off under the planned economy. Which in and of itself is worrying if you think about it.”

“Please don’t.”

“Very well, Mighty Cheesare. Now, new policy?”
​

​

“Ah yes,” he drew himself up to full height and went into a strongman pose. “Ethiopian War Logistics. At least for the next 70 days and no more. Clearly, we actually have to supply and support our modern…ish…armies rather than just leaving them to die in the desert, or wherever it is we are sending them.”

“Yes sire. About the Sultanate of Aussa…according to my sources,” he opened up the latest edition of Encyclopaedia Brittanica, “the Sultanate is a kingdom that has existed since the 18th century in the Afar region of Eastern Ethiopia.”

“Summarise please, Alan.”

“Well…we bought Eritrea off them in 1869, and ever since have essentially been dancing around making them a full Italian protectorate, with nominal independence, basically entirely because the UK was actually paying attention for once. They were no help in the first Ethiopian war, but otherwise seem to be quite loyal to us and should, if pressed, allow themselves to be annexed provided we keep the Sultan around.”

“Hmm. Army?”
​

​

“Two desert infantry divisions on the border with Ethiopia. Not particularly useful for anything other than fighting Ethiopia, but that’s all we’ll want them for anyway. We’re in the process of shipping out all the black shirts and other fascist militias who have loudly proclaimed loyalty unto death for you and Italy. Now’s their chance to prove it.”

“It also makes things much quieter around here,” Cheesolini nodded wisely. “Anything else at this time?”
​

​

“Well…we could ban communism if we wanted to,” Alan said after a moment’s thought. “The political situation in Italy is somewhat turbulent, as you might expect. The Italian Communist Party has 2% of the popular vote/support.”
​

​

“Rather impressive showing considering its been an illegal society since the 1920s and we tend to kill or imprison anyone caught associated with them,” Cheesolini mused. “What exactly am I banning atop that, Alan?”

“I think it’s the concept itself, Mighty Cheesare?” Alan did not look entirely sure himself. “I think this was drafted by an enthusiastic but rather stupid bootlicker.”

“Ah…well, let’s hold off on banning Communism again until we figure out how to enforce a double ban. Who else is in the running’s?”

“A different band of time travellers from 1946, Mighty Cheesare.”

“Why! What are the chances?”
​

​

“Indeed, the monarchist party was founded that year by some too-cool for Christian Democracy types. I suppose they want basically the monarch to be in charge and a strong rightwing government dedicated to Italian strength beneath him.”

“That’s…that’s just us again, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but they have 5% support anyway. Maybe they just like the king more than you?”

“Hmm.” Cheesare considered putting some trousers on and forgot what they were discussing.
​

​

“As for our party, we have close to a super majority of 73%. A lot of people also find us somewhat acceptable, given lack of a better option.”

“But what about the democratic party?”

“They don’t exist, Mighty Cheesare.”

“As in, banned like the Communists?”
​

​

“No, as in they were disbanded in 1926 because everyone hated them, even their own members. A lot of them joined us, the rest just sort of wander around shouting at things.”

“Gah…liberals. With,” he read the paper, “20% of the vote?”

“To be fair, Mighty Cheesare, the only viable opposition being a party that doest eist and doesn’t want to exist can only be helpful to us.”

“I suppose so…what are we building for the war?”
​

​

“Small arms and support kits, some light tanks, trucks and light artillery. It’s all we have plans for. Oh, and some interwar fighters and close air support. I suppose bombers if we ever figure them out.”

“I suppose cancelling all our naval orders helped the supply situation?”
​

​

“And fuel reserves as well. We’ll only run out after a month of fighting now rather than two weeks.”
​

​

“God…what were the Italians thinking in invading Ethiopia with no men, equipment, ships, planes or fuel?”

“And no men in training.”
​

​

“Seriously? Have you started?”

“Yes, they’re doing their push ups and walking around in circles as we speak. Maybe at some point in the future we can give them some guns and ammunition.”

“Well done Alan, I knew I could count on you.”

Alan blushed under the praise and took out some more maps and troop psotions.
​

​

“I’ve taken the liberty of forming two armies for the northern and southern fronts. Baldassare will lead the larger northern attack and Bastico, the southern army.”

“Good chaps?”

“They are not dead, imaginary or traitors, so far as I know.”

“Excellent. What else?”
​

​

“We heavily outnumber the Ethiopians on the northern front so hopefully we should see progress their soon. We don’t have the troops in the south to do much until the actual army arrives, but they’ll do what they can. So far as I can tell, no one has actually died yet on either side, according to official reports.”
​

​

“How nice. We should be able to change that soon though. And speaking of changing,” Cheesolini bent down and threw a pink feathery boa around his neck. “Do you think this helps heighten the impact?”
​

​

 

[jak7139]

“I’ve taken the liberty of forming two armies for the northern and southern fronts. Baldassare will lead the larger northern attack and Bastico, the southern army.”

What about Messe and his attack stat? Also, who is your Field Marshal?

 

[Nikolai II]

​

​

​

​

Not that I believe you need advice, but isn't War Logistics one of those things best left bypassed? (At least in my opinion it's 35 days you could use on your industry or something instead, and the actual upgrading of infra and such can be left to the amusing puppet swarm one can create out of the defeated Ethiopia).

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Chapter 3: A Perfectly Ordinary Game
3rd January 1936​

Colonel Kaboom and General Catastrophe looked on as the Italian army slowly made its way to the frontlines.

“This will not be easy.”​

​

“No tanks, no proper air cover or bombers, no supplies and not enough men. It’s a good thing we’re fighting a poorly armed militia, otherwise this would be a bloodbath on both sides…whenever either of us have bullets.”

Kaboom kicked the side of the rubbish fiat staff car they’d been provided with. Going from a unified European superpower with the best tech and industry in the world to 1936 Italy was something of a disappointing downgrade.​

​

“At least the colonial empire is relatively calm. Libya and Italy itself does not need any of the troops we’re pulling out to come here, and the only trouble seems to be on the Dalmatia.”

“Bloody Croats. We’re doing them a favour. If it wasn’t for us, they’d be in Yugoslavia, something they’d hate even more.”

“Still, I hope police action is not required.”

Kaboom rolled his eyes. “Our presence in the Balkans is one rickety old nag and an unarmed black shirt astride. I don’t think we could stop them if we wanted to. They’re just being annoying because it’s the Balkans.”

Catastrophe grunted. He missed being a mere major.

“At least the airwings are starting to show up. We’ll have some cover, scouting and bombing capacity before long. Not that there’s much to look or shoot at.”
​

​

“I hope we can convince the Aussa to show up. Apparently, the only thing they’re good at is desert fighting.”

“That’s better than the Ethiopians. The only interesting thing about them is their leader’s gratuitous name.”
​

​

“Might as well get comfortable,” the two men sat down together and opened some beers. “Nothing’s going to happen for a while unless the British decide to close Suez before our army arrives.”​

…​

10th January 1936​

The Italian Imperial Club all sat down together in Rome, making pasta and drinking wine.

“Anything interesting happen war wise?”​

​

“Not really. Three thousand dead enemies and 132 casualties for us. Given the relative strengths of either side, we’ll do well to keep that up.”

Suddenly Cheesolini bolted upright and started yelling. “I have had it with the delays and tomfoolery. I demand results. Now.”

The two bureaucrats and two soldiers nodded gamely, and carried on with what they were doing.

“I mean…now. Please?”
​

​

“Mighty Cheesare, we’ve been in control for ten days. In that time, we’ve redeployed our entire armed forces, written a strategy, started military production and begun to advance. Whoever said the front stalled or got pushed back is lying…or possibly talking about what happened before we got here. Either way, everything is fine, sit down and shut up.”

“And my results?”

Alan made a note on his pad and looked up. “Could you waggle your fingers for me, Mighty Cheesare?”

He did so.

“Good. Now our troops are 15% less negatively impacted by heat and consume 5% less food and water.”
​

​

“Er…okay?”

The group went back to pasta making.​

…​

22nd January 1936​

“I’m afraid our casualty rate has more than doubled to 266. However, the enemy have lost over 9 thousand. And lost one county.”
​

​

“Bit slow, isn’t it?”

“More progress than has been made in months, sire.”​

​

“And Bastico caught malaria a few days ago, meaning he did all that from his bed,” Catastrophe noted.
​

​

“I wish I could work from my bed,” grumbled Cheesolini.

“You are, sire…”

The lot of them were in their pyjamas, lounging around on the mighty emperor sized bed, with the curtains drawn for secrecy and cheese provided for snacks.

“So I am. You know, Churchill did much the same, apparently. Only he had,” the dictator gagged, “champagne.”

All the Italians wretched.

“I think whatever it is Bastico got is spreading around. Why has the casualty rate gone up by so much, Alan?”
​

​

“You set up two missions to conquer north and south Ethiopia. I mean, we were already going to do that, but it’s nice you got it in writing, I suppose.”

“Oh immeasurably, Mighty Cheesare,” Colonel Kaboom reassured the great leader. “Morale is up high since hearing about that.”

“Well, that’s alright then.”​

…​

6th February 1936​

“Alan, why are we all dressed up?”
​

​

“You cunningly remembered last night in the bath that the Sultanate of Aussa is a committed Italian ally/stooge, and probably wouldn’t object to being annexed and using their troops for the war effort, Mighty Cheesare.”
​

​

“Ah…I see. Is that what we are doing?”
​

​

“Yes, Mighty Cheese. Sign the papers and then just…think about sending the troops in. It works.”

“That doesn’t sound right…done.”

A few seconds later, a messenger burst into the throne room and announced Aussa had voluntarily submitted.
​

​

“Hmm,” Cheesolini turned to Alan. “Good show. I wish all nations were so obliging. It would save so much time.”
​

…​

15th February 1936​

“Mighty Cheesare?”

“Beancounter? Since when do you deliver messages?”

“It’s Alan’s off-day.”

“Alan has off days?”

“We all do, sire. Eff all happens most of the time.”

“True. What do you want?”
​

​

“General Baldassare was wounded after winning a battle. We’ve also started making observable progress in Ethiopia, and the world’s press have finally noticed Aussa no longer exists.”
​

​

“Smashing. Anything actually important happened?”
​

​

“Your Ethiopian Logistics scheme is over and helped out quite a lot. Would you like to pick a new policy?”

“Are the Nazis still a thing in Germany?”

“Yes, and as silly as ever, Mighty Cheesare.”

“Then we shall humiliate them. Send forth orders that the Italian Highways are the true fascist status symbol, not the autobahns!”
​

​

“But sire, what about the tr-”

Cheesolini leapt up and silenced Beancounter with a judo chop to the throat. “Hush! We all agreed!”

“Sorry, Mighty Cheesare. Though we did seem to get away with it in earlier chapters.”

“That may be so, but we cannot let our guard down. Speaking the T word may summon it.”

“Of course, Mighty Cheesare. What should we do with the two crack divisions of desert fighters from Aussa?”
​

​

“Fold them into the northern army and keep running southwards. Bound to work.”
​

…​

20th February 1936​

With the success of the southern invasion, the Italian high command plus our heroes were boogieing down hard in a night on the town. The northern frontline had also been broken and even now, Italians were streaming into the interior.
​

​

“What’s the figures now, General?”

“3 thousand of ours for 38 thousand of theirs, Mighty Cheesare. Every is in high spirits and the women you shipped off to perform sexual favours and magic tricks for the men have also arrived.”
​

​

“Excellent. Nothing in the world can stop me now!”​

…​

11th March 1936​

“So…um…Germany is in civil revolt, the army has declared war on fascism, and Hitler has already lost control of half the country.”

The room descended into silence, every man looking to the other, wondering who would break first.
​

​

“Gentlemen…” Mighty Cheesare began gravely. “We have a great struggle on our hands. Do we find this funny, or not?”​

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

What about Messe and his attack stat? Also, who is your Field Marshal?

We'll sort out some proper armies with reader recommendations later. For now, just wanted some dependable guys to milk army xp and keep casualties low.

A lot of these guys were not in the previous Italian run in 2021 so it'll be interesting to see who's best at what.

Not that I believe you need advice, but isn't War Logistics one of those things best left bypassed? (At least in my opinion it's 35 days you could use on your industry or something instead, and the actual upgrading of infra and such can be left to the amusing puppet swarm one can create out of the defeated Ethiopia).

I already did the African swarm of puppets in the previous AAR, and its probably even more broken now due to how logistics works. It was very funny seeing the unexpected rollicking the French and British received at the hands of all the former colonial nations though.

Not sure I'll do that here, unless the game gives me a somewhat amusing reason to.

And as the latest chapter shows, I'm not sure I'll have to play optimally in this run if this is what's going to happen to my nearest rivals...

But suggestions for armies, air force, doctrines, the new tech and logistics stuff, and especially the navy, tank and plane designer that's all new since the last time I played HOI4 would be appreciated from anyone who can make it sound like they know what they are doing.

Even if you don't, it'll be funny, I expect.

 

[Nikolai II]

I already did the African swarm of puppets in the previous AAR, and its probably even more broken now due to how logistics works. It was very funny seeing the unexpected rollicking the French and British received at the hands of all the former colonial nations though.

That's true of course. I just find it amusing to make Ethiopia/AOI into 10 one-province-puppets. (Except you get oodles of useless militia forces foisted on you that you can only use as pointless garrison units in worthless backwaters.)

But suggestions for armies, air force, doctrines, the new tech and logistics stuff, and especially the navy, tank and plane designer that's all new since the last time I played HOI4 would be appreciated from anyone who can make it sound like they know what they are doing.

Fighter airplanes: Give them as many heavy machineguns as they can carry, and if you want to not have to rebuild them all the time, also add as much air defense as you can.

For tanks, the Finnish BT-42 is actual meta against AI, so you can just let yourself be inspired

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

That's true of course. I just find it amusing to make Ethiopia/AOI into 10 one-province-puppets. (Except you get oodles of useless militia forces foisted on you that you can only use as pointless garrison units in worthless backwaters.)

Really? You can do that?

 

[jak7139]

Catastrophe grunted. He missed being a mere major.

Well, technically he still is right? To keep up appearances for the rest of the world native to this timeline?

Speaking the T word may summon it.”

I forgot about this

“So…um…Germany is in civil revolt, the army has declared war on fascism, and Hitler has already lost control of half the country.”

I didn't know this could still happen with the default historical settings. Makes for good HOI4 chaos I guess.

But suggestions for armies, air force, doctrines, the new tech and logistics stuff, and especially the navy, tank and plane designer that's all new since the last time I played HOI4 would be appreciated from anyone who can make it sound like they know what they are doing.

As @Nikolai II said for fighters, stack as many heavy machine guns as you can. Self-sealing fuel tanks are also a good get.

For tanks, I usually stack a bunch of soft attack and armor. Should be enough for whatever the AI builds.

Navy: put as much light attack on your cruisers/destroyers to kill enemy screens. That, plus your heavier ships, will mop up the rest.

Logistics: supply hubs/ports give supply to your units. Supply flows from your capital to the frontline via railways/ports. There's a button on your armies to motorize supply (make them use trucks/trains for logistics instead of horses). Clicking it once makes the army's supply partially motorized. Clicking again makes them fully motorized. It requires a lot of trucks and trains. Supply hubs/ports take a lot of IC to build, but ports are cheaper, incentivizing you to fight along coastal areas.