Indecent Ambition - the Hapsburg Dynasty

[Beamed]

Oh yes. The Hapsburg dynasty indeed. These Spanish and Austrian monarchs jointly ruled around half of Europe in their prime. Now, I too am thusly concerned that this will be a quick and easy game, all things considered.


Behold our demesne, complete with shoddy graphics editting!

Yes. Ahem. Owned half of Europe.

Quite. Moving on, let's get this introduction started, shall we?


Werner von Hapsburg

Our glorious Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, King of Austria, Spain, the Netherlands, and Portugal, Defender of the Faith.

In Aargau.

Despite having a textbook case of megalomania, I feel that we have a good future in store for us.


The future.

What, you expected more facetious sarcasm? This kid doesn't have good stats for an adult, but for six years old he's impressive. It's no wonder I became so powerful, with genetics like this!


More future.

Here we can see why our Empire is so fantastically, stupendously glorious. We are easily leading the tech race against the Infidel in Africa and Asia, and the East Romans tremble at our superior knowledge. We use pretty red buttons to further our superior knowledge in such areas as education(Read: Through labor), sieges(Read: Through standing), and mining(Read: For gold).

But of course, such foresight and wisdom cannot entirely be attributed to the mighty Hapsburg empire! No, it is the advisors who may share the credit.


Sharing the credit.

They're all going to die.

But, not yet. First we have to set our realm into order. Now that we've properly shown how our realm is at the start, let's move forward!


Moving forward.

One day. So I can change the laws.

Yes. Mm. Quite.

Can I kill them yet?​

 

[Beamed]

Insert the requisite child abuse joke.

My daughter died this morning. I blamed it on the lack of alcohol.

And coffee.

I turned to my wife and asked her why she never told me she not only got pregnant and had a child, but also had a girl.

She fled, weeping.

The couch looks incredibly comfortable tonight.*

I spare more money than I should reasonably afford at this point because some serf came up to the castle, begging for bread.

I made him marshal.

My men smell better than him.

They want me shot.

Rawr.

On an entirely unrelated note, I feel the need to leave my house and castle for the outdoors. Away from my wife.

And my army.

And my homeless marshal.

Luckily, my immense demesne of Austria shall be more than spacious enough to provide me safety from the Triforce!


I own all of it. All of it.

With the count of Sandgau at my side, we go hunting for boars.

And by hunting

I mean running around the forest like two carefree young girls, before collapsing in hugs and giggles as we ga-

..err..

I mean shooting animals and things.
Yes. Quite. Mmm.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

When he and I returned home for a snack, he shouted and I heard the sharp 'fwip' of a bow.

I quickly ran into the room and he pointed proudly at the corpse, stating with no little hubris how he killed the boar before it knew what hit it.

I merely commented on how large the boar was as he ordered the peasants to begin skinning it.

I hope my marshal enjoys dinner.

Rawr.

I quickly begin hunting by myself, for a different sort of animal.

A more beautiful animal.

Graceful.

It's really a woman.

Who I want to marry.

For stats and children.

Yes. Quite. Mm.

I aimed and fired at her target.

With succession and money ensured by her massive.. endowments, I end my sexual innuendo with this update.​

 

[IamWhoa]

The Count of Sundgau is a fine hunter! He will be back for more, I hope.

 

[unmerged(81763)]

:d

 

[Murmurandus]

Heh, a quite ambitious lad... and what a hunter...

 

[Hellvink]

What about the trophy he collected from his hunt?

 

[EUROO7]

First CK AAR I start to read.

This will decide if I buy the game, so don't let me down.

Good so far.

 

[Beamed]

Greetings, CK forums! I, Werner von Habsburg, Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, King of Austria, Spain, the Netherlands, and Portugal, Defender of the Faith, am here to.. respond, graciously, to your comments. Bow, peons!​

@IamWhoa - Oh, you have no idea. Trust me, his hunting is... phenomenal!
.. Wait, what?

@Quintus Sertori - I can't tell what sort of face you're making. You frighten me.

@Murmurandus - Indeed, the Count of Sundgau even fancies himself as powerful as I! Hah, the nerve of him. Still, his ambition is quite becoming of him. Maybe one day he'll serve as Viceroy of Mexico..?

@Hellvink - He got the skin off the large beast. Funny thing, he kept asking why I wouldn't join dinner with him that night..

@EUROO7 - Oh dear, money to Paradox relying on me? Why, I don't know what to say.. Except that I could just donate one HUNDREDTH of my silver train to Paradox, and it would be more! Buahahaha. Being drunk with power rocks.

On to the update!

---

My manpower would slowly rise to roughly 2,000, which is not at all bad for a count.

Here you can see the effects my.. acquisition had on the economy of my great empire. From 1.2 gold a month to over 3 is not at all bad, and she tells me I'm not either.

I naturally took him on, to fill my Diocese Bishop position.

The Pope sent a message to my demesne, which was somewhat flattering - his request, of course, wasn't! He wanted me to take in yet another homeless person - bishop, he called them. Bah, if I had a dime for each homeless man who said he was a bishop - at my expense! Fortunately, I had a vacancy in my court, so I paid the dues and brought him in.

Joe, I call him, though he insists that's not his name. In any case, Joe brought up an interesting plan.. Which was duly interrupted.

Aww, he's so cute! I'll name him Meinhard!

My son was born. The look on my wife's face was..
.. Interesting, to say the least, when she saw him.

So, apparently, was the look on my Spy Master's.

That hurts me where it matters, Alberade.

See, these insults are just uncalled for!.. ..

Why are you collapsing?.... ...and .. all over my shoes?..
... god dammit..

Joe got called a miracle worker when he came in and threw a blanket over my son, and took a bunch of gold out of Alberade's wallet. Oh, she won't be happy when she wakes up, that's for sure.

Thanks so much, Joey.

In an effort to get the hell out of the castle before everyone killed me(Hey, didn't this happen before?) I began perusing how I might weaken France... And it hit me.

Or, rather, it hit France.

A count of theirs - nay, a DOUBLE count! - recently declared independence! Oh, how nice they must feel to be independent.

It won't last long. Like my advisors.

*Stare*

Here is the double count - Duke, he insists on being called - in question. Nice bloke. Barely richer than I.

His lands would do well to be Hapsburg again.

I head back to the castle with news of my future conquests when I learn what happened when Alberade, my spymaster, awoke.

I.. I DID NOT run away! Stop that! STOP THAT! I HATE YOU! I HATE ALL OF YOU!

I know! I'll become a lumberjack! That will show them... That will show all of them...

​

 

[Murmurandus]

Mmm, double-counting dukes... watch out for them...

 

[Hellvink]

Mmm, double-counting dukes... watch out for them...

Indeed, better be safe and chop down a tree... oh wait..

And euroo7 stop following me!

 

[IamWhoa]

How is the Emperor going to kick the squatters out of Dauphine?

 

[Teep]

I really do hate said vicious slander.

 

[NexusSix]

HA when a man is insulted he often feels its time to resort to trying to recover wood

You show em !

 

[Devin Perry]

Funny, hope this AAR lasts longer than your advisers.

 

[unmerged(81763)]

@quintus sertori - I can't tell what sort of face you're making. You frighten me.
​

Neither can I...

Those poor swiss forests... :q :rofl:

 

[phargle]

I am not sure if this counts as an anonymous4401 tribute or a Knud tribute, and I like my confusion!

 

[Klavo Hunter]

The indecent ambition of the Hapsburgs - to raid the bedrooms of all the daughters of all the nobles of all of Europe! :rofl:

Is Alberade anyone's daughter in particular, or did you marry her just for the stats?

 

[Beamed]

Guess who again? That's right, your favorite lovable Werner von Hapsburg, Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, King of Spain, Austria, the Netherlands, and Portugal, Defender of the Faith, here to respond to the comments I allow you to leave with my sheer benevolence!

Or something.

Right. Anyway.​

@Murmurandus - Is this some obscure sex joke? I hope so.

@Hellvink - Oh, believe me, there will be plenty of lumber to go around.

@IAmWhoa - Probably by encircling their armies and launching a massive artillery barrage before sending my tanks through their lines to wreck havoc while my infantry follows up and attacks any unrouted positions.

Or by gathering prestige.

I haven't decided yet.

@Teep - Oh, I know. And it dresses so badly. I mean, white before labor day? Ugh!

@NexusSix - I thought when a man is insulted he kills all who oppose him?

Man, the education standard is declining these days..

@Devin Perry - Oh, it will.

It will. *Clenches fist*

@Quintus Sertori - Swiss? What the hell is that? Some sort of chocolate?

@Phargle - Though my immense demesne includes Aargau, it is not an AARgau, and personally, as Defender of the Faith, I hate God far less than I do myself.

My apologies.

@KlavoHunter - Two bedrooms down..
..and far more to go.

I married her mostly for her.. endowments, and ample.. ..assets.

Her stewardship is of course what I refer to.

Yes. Of course.

What were you thinking?

On to the update!

---

With the forestry completed, I have little choice but to go elsewhere to find my wood.

Lumberjacking is a dirty, dirty business.

But, someone has to do it.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

... How the hell did my kid kill her? So far all my sons are as wimpy as I-

Er.
My father.

Yes. That is what I meant.

This hurt. I lost 2 total martial. But it mostly hurt because I hate that banner with the empty chair.

Oh.

Oh dear.

Now who is strong enough to carry me in their ar-

I mean.
Carry my kingdom in their strong arms.
Strong, gentle arms.

Mm. Yes. Quite.

I find a new friend in preparation for hunting.
After all, it can be dangerous.

Dangerously fun.

Mm. Yes. Quite.

He doesn't get a boar, but I get all the meat I need.

Delicious.

Young and ripe fruit are often reserved by the nobles.

She will be no exception.

Equality.

Nothing happened in the nine months between my child's conception and birth.

Nothingness.

Absolutely.
Nothing.

*Clenches fist* Oh, you will pay, Damn of Bologna.
You will pay.

*Stares out window towards lone apple tree in courtyard*

*Tear begins to drip from eye*

I name my son Johann, because two n's is more than that Damn fellow has.

Unfortunately he hates me because I killed my first wife.

Who knew?​

 

[Devin Perry]

If you're as good at killing enemy soldiers as you are at killing wives you'll be emperor in no time.
or something
Mm. Yes. Quite.

 

[unmerged(81763)]

How dare you marry that ancient peasant woman! She's 29! :wacko:
Must be all that swiss choclate you've been eating...