Berlin, January 1st 1936. The charismatic dictator of Germany Adolf Hitler is sitting in his private study in the Reichstag, the time was coming close to 4AM and the Fuhrer was downloading tunes for his ipod. He was tapping his foot to the sounds of 'Wagners Greates Hits II' blaring from his ipod, it was so loud that he didn't even notice his second in command Himmler burst through the high oak doors.
Himmler: Mein Fuhrer, I've been knocking for over half an hour, what were you doing?
Hitler: Oh Heidrich (pulls out his earphones), I'm just downloading some tunes for my ipod.
Himmler: What the hell's an ipod?
Hitler: It's a little white wireless that plays pre-recorded songs.
Himmler: Amazing what they can do nowadays.
Hitler: Mmm.
There was a slight lul in the conversation as Hitler spun round on his chair and began tapping on the keyboard.
Himmler: Erm mein fuhrer.
Hitler: Yes?
Himmler: About your plan.
Hitler: What plan?
Himmler: The one you were telling me last night in the Reich brewery.
Hitler: Oh 'Operation Yellow'.
Himmler: Ya, erm 'Operation Yellow', you were joking right, I mean after a few beers everyone says si-
Hitler: Joking? Of course not, ahead with the plan my man
(Himmler wipes his brow and pulls up a chair to Hitler)
Himmler: Are you quite sure.
Hitler: Quite. Case closed.
Himlmer: Well I think we should get some sleep.
Hitler: Right you are.
Himmler: So....I'll err be off then shall I?
Hitler: Do you want to stay the night?
Himmler: Me, stay here?
Hitler: Yes...I think this place is haunted.
Himmler: Really?
Hitler: Mm hm. A ghost, a great big white one.
Himmler: What's it a ghost of?
Hitler: A woman, she turns the light on and walks about my room, I can never see what she does because I always hide under the covers I am so afraid.
Later that night Hitler is in his bed and Himmler is parked on the floor in a dark blue sleeping bag. Himmler is lieing awake listneing to Hitler muttering in his sleep, suddenly a noise wakes him from his slumber.
(Whispering)
Hitler: Heidrich, Heidrich are you awake.
Himmler: Yes mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: Here she comes, the ghost. Can you not hear her?
Himmler: I can.
Hitler pulls his cover over his head and Himmler sits up slightly ready to pull his revolver from its holster. The Oak doors slowly opened and in walks a maid clad in white apron and frilly frock. At the click of the light switch signalling her departure Himmler lies down and rolls over, he could hear Hitler breathing heavily under the covers.
Hitler: Heidrich, you see I am not a liar, there she was did you see her?
Himmler: I did indeed mein fuhrer.
Hitler: How did you posses the nerve to lie there unflinchingly, you deserve a medal.
Himmler: I already have every medal there is.
Hitler: Well in that case I'll invent a new one, what shall I call it?
Himmler: Erm....
Hitler: How about the Iron Cross?
Himmler: We've already got one of those I'm afraid.
Hitler: Damn! Hooow about Victoria Cross?
Himmler: Nope, taken.
Hitler: Kinghts Cross.
Himmler: Taken.
Hitler: Queen's Commendation for Valuable Service.
Himmler: Taken.
Hitler: Damn this stupid book, all the medals in here are taken.
Himmler: Sir that's the 'Nazi Bumper Book of War Medals'.
Hitler: Yes what a silly book, all of the medals in here are already taken. Execute the people who wrote it.
(Himmler went white)
Himmler: Wh-why of course mein fuhrer. (Hastily scratches out the name 'Heidrich Himmler' on the spine of the book.)
Hitler: But that ghost hey, a close shave?
Himmler: Eh, mein fuhrer, the lady was not a ghost.
Hitler: No?!
Himmler: Yes I'm afraid she is not a ghost.
Hitler: Oh dear what a fool I've been.
Himmler: Indeed.
Hitler: We've got a phantom.
Himmler: No no no, she isn't a phantom or a ghost.
Hitler: What then, a giant?
Himmler: For fecks sake she's a human being.
Hitler: Oh right you are there Himmsy. Let us get some sleep.
Himmler: Good.
(1 minute later)
Hitler: What if she comes back?
Himmler: Who?
Hitler: The ghost.
Himmler: Oh God...right, she is not real!
Hitler: Oh yea, just like the phantom of the opera 'isn't real'.
Himmler: The phantom of the opera is NOT REAL.
Hitler: i'm confused, lets sleep.
The next morning Hitler and Himmler slighty bleary eyed from the nights escapades were sitting around a large wooden table with all of the most important men in Germany apart from the owner of Frankfurter & co. There was Field Marshall von Bock, Field Marshall von Kluge, Field Marshall von Brauchitsch, Generals Guderian, von Manstein, Rommel, Paulus and there was also the rest of the government, Constantin von Neurath who was the Foreign Minister, Hjalamar Schaht who was the Armanents minister, Wilhelm Frick the resident Prince of Terror AKA the security minister and the intelligence minsiter Wilhelm Canaris. The General Staff at one end of the table included Ludwig Beck, the chief of the staff, Werner von Fritsch the army chief, Erich Raeder the navy chief and Hermann Goering AKA bouncer the air chief.
Hitler: Right lets get going, first of all Schaht, Frick and Canaris piss off because you guys never do anything.
Frick: Bu-
Hitler: Go on!
Bemused the officials walk out scratching their heads.
Hitler: Ok let me see who we've got here, some Field Marshalls, a couple of generals, good good, Himsy's here, bouncer, Erich, Neurath, eer Fritsch please go away, you don't even command an army, you're just a fat bald git.
Werner von Fritsch stands up abruptly and storms out, nervously the rest look at each other, the Field Marshalls are the only ones who remain calm, they are the veterans. The 4 Generals look nervous, it's their first day.
Himmler: Let's proceed, our great Fuhrer (Hitler tips his cap) has decided to put Operation Yellow into motion as of now.
Neurath: What is Operation Yellow?
Himmler: It is a scheme so brilliant in it's entirety that it is surpassable by no man.
Hitler: Too kind.
Neurath: You still haven't explained what it encorporates.
Hitler: Well I think that wraps that up nicely, who's for a spot of lunch.
Neurath: Hello?
Hitler: I fancy a nice filet mingion in sauce bernaise, with a glass of red wine.
Neurath: Would you STOP ignoring me.
Hitler: Hey that's great.
Neurath: You are really trying my patience.
Hitler: Have you heard Wagners Greatest Hits II? It's neat st-
Neurath: STOP!
Hitler: There's always one. (A deadly silence falls over the room) One joker in the pack, the guy who spoils everyones day. Why don't you just shut up.
Neurath: But.
Hitler: I will NOT have swearing in my office.
Neurath: Bu-bu-but but.
Hitler: STOP swearing you plop earred twat.
Neurath: Ah feck off you short assed git, why don't you do us a favour and bugger off back to Austria.
They were both on their feet at opposite ends of the table, Hitler turned white and his eyes widened.
Hitler: Get OUT!
Neurath stomped off. Hitler calmed himself down, reached into his inside pocket and withdrew a small paper pad and pen. He scribbled something on it still staring at the door Neurath had slammed.
Hitler: Anyway how about that lunch, we can have a 'bonding session'.
Himmler: Mein Fuhrer, I've been knocking for over half an hour, what were you doing?
Hitler: Oh Heidrich (pulls out his earphones), I'm just downloading some tunes for my ipod.
Himmler: What the hell's an ipod?
Hitler: It's a little white wireless that plays pre-recorded songs.
Himmler: Amazing what they can do nowadays.
Hitler: Mmm.
There was a slight lul in the conversation as Hitler spun round on his chair and began tapping on the keyboard.
Himmler: Erm mein fuhrer.
Hitler: Yes?
Himmler: About your plan.
Hitler: What plan?
Himmler: The one you were telling me last night in the Reich brewery.
Hitler: Oh 'Operation Yellow'.
Himmler: Ya, erm 'Operation Yellow', you were joking right, I mean after a few beers everyone says si-
Hitler: Joking? Of course not, ahead with the plan my man
(Himmler wipes his brow and pulls up a chair to Hitler)
Himmler: Are you quite sure.
Hitler: Quite. Case closed.
Himlmer: Well I think we should get some sleep.
Hitler: Right you are.
Himmler: So....I'll err be off then shall I?
Hitler: Do you want to stay the night?
Himmler: Me, stay here?
Hitler: Yes...I think this place is haunted.
Himmler: Really?
Hitler: Mm hm. A ghost, a great big white one.
Himmler: What's it a ghost of?
Hitler: A woman, she turns the light on and walks about my room, I can never see what she does because I always hide under the covers I am so afraid.
Later that night Hitler is in his bed and Himmler is parked on the floor in a dark blue sleeping bag. Himmler is lieing awake listneing to Hitler muttering in his sleep, suddenly a noise wakes him from his slumber.
(Whispering)
Hitler: Heidrich, Heidrich are you awake.
Himmler: Yes mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: Here she comes, the ghost. Can you not hear her?
Himmler: I can.
Hitler pulls his cover over his head and Himmler sits up slightly ready to pull his revolver from its holster. The Oak doors slowly opened and in walks a maid clad in white apron and frilly frock. At the click of the light switch signalling her departure Himmler lies down and rolls over, he could hear Hitler breathing heavily under the covers.
Hitler: Heidrich, you see I am not a liar, there she was did you see her?
Himmler: I did indeed mein fuhrer.
Hitler: How did you posses the nerve to lie there unflinchingly, you deserve a medal.
Himmler: I already have every medal there is.
Hitler: Well in that case I'll invent a new one, what shall I call it?
Himmler: Erm....
Hitler: How about the Iron Cross?
Himmler: We've already got one of those I'm afraid.
Hitler: Damn! Hooow about Victoria Cross?
Himmler: Nope, taken.
Hitler: Kinghts Cross.
Himmler: Taken.
Hitler: Queen's Commendation for Valuable Service.
Himmler: Taken.
Hitler: Damn this stupid book, all the medals in here are taken.
Himmler: Sir that's the 'Nazi Bumper Book of War Medals'.
Hitler: Yes what a silly book, all of the medals in here are already taken. Execute the people who wrote it.
(Himmler went white)
Himmler: Wh-why of course mein fuhrer. (Hastily scratches out the name 'Heidrich Himmler' on the spine of the book.)
Hitler: But that ghost hey, a close shave?
Himmler: Eh, mein fuhrer, the lady was not a ghost.
Hitler: No?!
Himmler: Yes I'm afraid she is not a ghost.
Hitler: Oh dear what a fool I've been.
Himmler: Indeed.
Hitler: We've got a phantom.
Himmler: No no no, she isn't a phantom or a ghost.
Hitler: What then, a giant?
Himmler: For fecks sake she's a human being.
Hitler: Oh right you are there Himmsy. Let us get some sleep.
Himmler: Good.
(1 minute later)
Hitler: What if she comes back?
Himmler: Who?
Hitler: The ghost.
Himmler: Oh God...right, she is not real!
Hitler: Oh yea, just like the phantom of the opera 'isn't real'.
Himmler: The phantom of the opera is NOT REAL.
Hitler: i'm confused, lets sleep.
The next morning Hitler and Himmler slighty bleary eyed from the nights escapades were sitting around a large wooden table with all of the most important men in Germany apart from the owner of Frankfurter & co. There was Field Marshall von Bock, Field Marshall von Kluge, Field Marshall von Brauchitsch, Generals Guderian, von Manstein, Rommel, Paulus and there was also the rest of the government, Constantin von Neurath who was the Foreign Minister, Hjalamar Schaht who was the Armanents minister, Wilhelm Frick the resident Prince of Terror AKA the security minister and the intelligence minsiter Wilhelm Canaris. The General Staff at one end of the table included Ludwig Beck, the chief of the staff, Werner von Fritsch the army chief, Erich Raeder the navy chief and Hermann Goering AKA bouncer the air chief.
Hitler: Right lets get going, first of all Schaht, Frick and Canaris piss off because you guys never do anything.
Frick: Bu-
Hitler: Go on!
Bemused the officials walk out scratching their heads.
Hitler: Ok let me see who we've got here, some Field Marshalls, a couple of generals, good good, Himsy's here, bouncer, Erich, Neurath, eer Fritsch please go away, you don't even command an army, you're just a fat bald git.
Werner von Fritsch stands up abruptly and storms out, nervously the rest look at each other, the Field Marshalls are the only ones who remain calm, they are the veterans. The 4 Generals look nervous, it's their first day.
Himmler: Let's proceed, our great Fuhrer (Hitler tips his cap) has decided to put Operation Yellow into motion as of now.
Neurath: What is Operation Yellow?
Himmler: It is a scheme so brilliant in it's entirety that it is surpassable by no man.
Hitler: Too kind.
Neurath: You still haven't explained what it encorporates.
Hitler: Well I think that wraps that up nicely, who's for a spot of lunch.
Neurath: Hello?
Hitler: I fancy a nice filet mingion in sauce bernaise, with a glass of red wine.
Neurath: Would you STOP ignoring me.
Hitler: Hey that's great.
Neurath: You are really trying my patience.
Hitler: Have you heard Wagners Greatest Hits II? It's neat st-
Neurath: STOP!
Hitler: There's always one. (A deadly silence falls over the room) One joker in the pack, the guy who spoils everyones day. Why don't you just shut up.
Neurath: But.
Hitler: I will NOT have swearing in my office.
Neurath: Bu-bu-but but.
Hitler: STOP swearing you plop earred twat.
Neurath: Ah feck off you short assed git, why don't you do us a favour and bugger off back to Austria.
They were both on their feet at opposite ends of the table, Hitler turned white and his eyes widened.
Hitler: Get OUT!
Neurath stomped off. Hitler calmed himself down, reached into his inside pocket and withdrew a small paper pad and pen. He scribbled something on it still staring at the door Neurath had slammed.
Hitler: Anyway how about that lunch, we can have a 'bonding session'.
