The Heirs of Earl Thorfinn - An Orkney AAR

[Fiftypence]

The Fifth AAR by Fiftypence.

Hello everyone, this will be an AAR about the Orkney Islands. Anyone who knows anything about the region will know of the "Orkneyinga Saga", written in the early 13th century by some Icelandic guy. I suggest you check it out. This AAR will bear absolutely no relation to the aforementioned Saga. Unless I decide that it will. You will find out when I post the first update, which will be sometime tomorrow.

So, what stuff am I using? Well, I will be playing the Duchy of Orkney in the 1066 scenario with the April 28th beta, on Very Hard/Normal (on Furious things just get silly. Well, more silly).

Note: I forgot to change the difficulty settings so it will be Normal/Normal instead.

 

[Mike von Bek]

Hmmm, the Duchy of the Western Isles needs to belong to you. Any thoughts on which crown you will go for first? And is Iceland doomed?

 

[yourworstnightm]

If Norway have elective law you have good chance inheriting the crown.

 

[Fiftypence]

The Heirs of Earl Thorfinn

Prologue

What Came Before

Earl Thorfinn, the Raven-Feaster, was considered to be the most powerful Earl of Orkney that there had ever been. In his lifetime he gained many lands in the Hebrides, and also managed to gain substantial holdings in Ireland. In the words of Arnor, the Earls-Poet:

The raven-feaster ruled
Right from Dublin –
What I say is certain
To the Giants’ Skerries.

After the death of Earl Thorfinn many of the lands formerly under Norse control broke away, as they considered him to be an oppressive ruler and objected to being ruled by someone not of their own culture. Upon his death the Earldom went to his two sons Paul and Erlend, with Paul being very much the one in charge. Their mother, Ingibjorg, married Malcolm King of Scots, who was rather amusingly known as Long Neck. A very tempting prospect for vampires…

What Comes Now

Upon the ascension of Harold Godwinsson to the throne of England, King Harald Sigurdarson came west from Norway with a great army. First he came to Shetland, and sailed then to Orkney, resulting in both Paul and Erlend joining him. Upon this, he set off for England, landing in a district called Cleveland, taking over the seaside town of Scarborough. His army met Harold’s at Stamford bridge, where the large army of the English defeated the Norwegians, a battle in which Harald was killed. Harold Godwinsson, when the battle was over, gave leave to the Earls to sail away from England with all the troops who had not run off. Harold marched his army south, and was defeated by the bastard William of Normandie at Hastings, who was crowned King of England on Christmas day 1066.

But what of Paul and Erlend Thorfinnsson, Earls of Orkney? Read on...

 

[Fiftypence]

The Heirs of Earl Thorfinn

1. Paul Thinks of Conquest

Earl Paul

Upon Harald Sigurdarson’s death the Kingdom of Norway fell to Olaf Haraldsson, who was on friendly terms with Earl Paul, despite the latter having a slight hunch on his back. While many ridiculed the deformed Earl in private, King Olaf treated him as he would treat any other vassal. Indeed, the King was present at the Earl’s wedding to Gràille O’Rourke, an Irish noble lady of some renown previously in residence at the court of the Low King of Connacht.

Paul's wife

In early February Gràinne stopped menstruating, and was discovered to be pregnant. She gave birth to a son, Harald Paulsson, who became the heir to the Earldom.

The early spring of 1067 saw the clearing of forests on the island of Bute, and in the following years many townsteads were to flourish in the area. In the month of May Earl Paul started to show ascetic tendencies:

Earl Paul: I am feeling very ascetic today, my brother!

Erlend: Um, gr-great?

Earl Paul: Indeed. Oh, I have two options. Isn’t that nice. I choose option… two, I think.

Erlend: Um…

Earl Paul: (Picks up a mirror) My God your an idiot! Look at the fool of an Earl! Ha ha! Ascetism! You total idiot!

Earl Paul: Now hang on a moment-

Earl Paul: Ha! And look at your silly hunch!

Earl Paul: You’re just mean! How can you be so cruel? (Starts to cry.)

Erlend: P-P-Paul!!

Earl Paul: (Looks dazed). Uh, I’m just going for a lie down (leaves).

Paul ridicules himself

A month later a noble appeared at the court of Paul, but was in fact a ghost. The mysterious Lanfranco seemingly decided that the oppression he was fleeing from was not so bad after all after spending five minutes with Paul.

The following year was quiet, until Spy Master Eystein became strange after the Earl laughed at his General Theory of Relativity. He locked himself away and developed the Special Theory of Relativity. However, the Earl laughed at this too, and poor Eystein fell into a deep depression.

As summer approached in the year of our Lord 1069 Gràille started to hog the bathroom in the morning:

Gràille: Bleeurgh! Bloody morning sickness.

Earl Paul: Is my sweetikins pregnant?

Gràille: No, I’m just being sick for the fun of it! (Paul shakes his head).

Earl Paul: Hormones… (Sees Gràille’s face). I’ll just shut my big gob.

In the three years following the ascension of the Norman bastard to the English throne Earl Paul had gained favour with King Olaf, and had ruled over his lands with much competence. There was something nagging the Earl however, and this was the fate of the lands lost after the death of Earl Thorfinn:

Earl Paul: Marshal! I want you to prepare the troops for war!

Marshal: Ooh, a war! How exciting! All those big, strong men, getting sweaty on the battlefield…

Earl Paul: Um, Marshal!?!

Marshal: Um, sorry. Too much times with the lads, ha ha.

Earl Paul: (Slowly) Right.

Early in the month of march the Earl declared war on the ruling chief in Tir Connail, citing his father’s rule over the area to justify his claim. The chief, whose name was Murchdh Ui Canannain, had done a deal with the Low King of Leinster, who sent an envoy stating that they had declared war on Orkney. King Olaf agreed to help Paul, sending over 1,000 men under the command of Harald Botner. Paul sailed to Caithness, the part of the Earldom ruled directly by Erlend, who agreed to raise troops. He then saied to Shetland, gathered their regiment, and thus began the voyage to eastern Ulster with more than 700 men.

Only ten days after the Earl set sail Gràille gave birth to a son, which set the gossips chattering:

Astrid Gossipdottir: You know why that Earl went to war, don’t you?

Haldora Gossipsdottir: No, but I’m sure you are going to tell-

Astrid: I’ll tell you! I heard that when Harald was born he was not at the birth. It made him feel sick.

Haldora: Oooh, typical man. No thought for what his poor wife is going through.

Astrid: Exactly. The Earl does not care about restoring his father’s lands, he just wanted to avoid having to do midnight feeds!

Haldora: Ah, typical man, would rather go slaughter some infidels than look after his own son.

Astrid: The Irish aren’t infidels, you silly old bat!

Haldora: (Sniffs) Of course not. You know, I heard that Earl Paul’s hump sends him secret messages from aliens!

Astrid: (Looks stunned) You are a silly old woman, Haldora Gossipsdottir!

Early in summer the army from Orkney landed in Ireland, and camped outside the main town where chief Murchadh had his headquarters. The siege continued as winter drew nearer, with the Earl being cheered by an offer of peace from the Leinstermen. The Norwegian force, who had been besieging Dublin, left to help Paul in Tir Connail. In July of 1071 Harald Botner’s force arrived, and the town fell in August. Upon entering the town Earl Paul found much gold in the tent of the defeated chief, and with it commissioned an area to train troops in Kirkwall, the main town on the largest island of Orkney.

Reconquered Irish lands.

When Paul returned to his fort in Kirkwall he saw his son, Tryggve Paulsson, for the first time, and discovered that Gràille had started acting very erratically, stressed out by her husband’s absence at a time when she needed him most.

Paul's second son

 

[Fiftypence]

Where is everyone? Does anybody like this?

 

[unmerged(10426)]

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY






/me drops off my chair.

 

[Fiftypence]

Um...?

 

[unmerged(10426)]

Sorry, it's all fun and games in Geordieland. That was drunk talk for 'Well done.'

 

[Mike von Bek]

Bwha ha ha - Gossipdottir Astrid and Haldora for the win! Haldora seems like the smart one to me, I think she's onto something with that hump story.

 

[Solmyr]

Btw, you can change settings mid-game if you want to play on VH. Just open the load screen, select the save, open the settings, change them, and load. You'll be playing on the new settings.
Another way is to edit the save file, the settings are near the top of the file and are numbers from 0-4, with 4 being VH/furious.

 

[Semi-Lobster]

This AAR is exactly what I needed when I wake up, something surreal, witty but entertaining. Another excellent AAR Fiftypence (and before you say something yes I read AAR's without commenting, mainly because I'm usually sneaking out to my store's computer at work I'm not supposed to be using, to read AARs )

 

[Fiftypence]

Vincent Julien: Ah. Thanks!

Mike von Bek: I did think of doing this AAR entirely through the conversations of gossips, but decided it would be too hard. Astrid and Haldora will definitely appear again.

Solmyr: Indeed, although having to pay 600 prestige for a claim may not make for an interesting AAR, so I'll stay with Normal

Semi-Lobster: Cheers!


I've got some essays and stuff to do this week so the next update will most likely be on Friday.

 

[Ciçatrix]

Aha, a new AAR from Fiftypence.
I shall be reading, good going unto now.

 

[unmerged(30040)]

I will be watching this- have you figured out what jongleurs and false complots are yet?

 

[Fiftypence]

King of Minors: Thank you!

the_shy_kid: No. It's starting to worry me.

Update tonight. I meant to write it earlier but I have been busy with the CK librAARy, which is now fully up to date.

 

[Fiftypence]

The Heirs of Earl Thorfinn

2. Crazy In Love

Upon the return of Earl Paul to Mainland he found a very exotic visitor, an Italian from Genoa:

Genoese Envoy: Howdy. The governor of Genoa, my boss, gets so lonely at night. He misses the passion of a young and nubile young woman.

Paul: Uh huh…

Genoese Envoy: Yes, anyway, I was wondering if you would permit for the lady Haldora to wed his most Super-duper Highness the Governor of Genoa?

Paul: Huh? You mean the old gossip? Why on EARTH would he want to marry her??

Genoese Envoy: Uh, no, I meant your steward.

Paul: My steward’s called Haldora? Well, I suppose I had better agree, lest the narrator get confused.

Narrator: Thanks, buddy!

The Earl appointed Torbjørn Sinclair to run the finances upon the departure of Haldora.

The new steward

In early spring Marshal Ämund went out hunting, and encountered the largest boar he had ever seen. According to the Marshal it was over seventy feet high, and he used this as an excuse to explain why he had let it go. He did not usually allow massive beasts to escape him.

As summer entered its last days the training ground commissioned by Earl Paul was completed, much to the delight of Marshal Ämund especially. This new area would allow Orkney to produce more troops quicker, very useful for when Earl Paul wanted to continue to reclaim lands lost in Ireland and the Hebrides. Winter saw surpring developments. In the month of September Earl Paul took a voyage to the lands held by Dun Sleibe, chief of Ulaid and Tir Eioghan, and through trickery and intrigue managed to persuade Dun Sleibe to pay homage to him. It is not known how this was done, but it did mean that the Earldom of Orkney now held the entire north of Ireland.

In the year of our lord 1074 the lady Gráinne O’Rourke, wife of Earl Paul, went crazy, declaring herself to be a mountain goat and insisting on eating only hay and cud. As Earl Paul did not keep animals in the fort she had to sleep in a pen holding goats, which she very much enjoyed.

The month of September also saw the development of new ideas concerning the defence of Mainland, with Marshal Åmund actually doing something useful for once:

Åmund: Hey, hunchie! I got this idea about defensive terrain.

Paul: Who gives a toss about terrain?

Åmund: Um, me? Look, I realised that it is much easier to defend hills than plains!

Paul: Have you noticed how we currently reside in a hill fort, by any chance?

Åmund: Oh. Sorry. Didn’t realise.

Marshal Amund

In the month of December Harald encountered a traveller, and forged a close friendship with him. When Paul discovered this he demanded to meet the man, and was so taken by his charm and grace that he appointed him to the Earl’s court.

After spending several months with the goats the lady Gràinne fell ill, and twelve days later the Pope announced a new crusade.

Messenger: DEUS VULT!! CRUSADE TO JERUS-(is hit by a brick)-wflg…

Paul: Keep the bloody noise down!

In September of 1075 little Harald began asking questions about his mother:

Harald: Mum’s a bloody lunatic, isn’t she?

Paul: Um, well, she’s going through… changes (cue thunder and lightning). Blimey, I wasn’t expecting that!

Harald: In other words she’s a mad as a Celine Dion fan. She also stinks!

Paul: Hey now, that’s your mother… actually, you know what, she does, doesn’t she?

Not long after this conversation several goats were found dead, murdered by the Mad Lady of the Hills, as Gràinne had become known.

In early January Harald was out riding when his horse bolted, and accidently ran off a cliff and fell into the sea. Harald was devastated, and went to his father.

Paul: Um, well, you see. Smelly Bastard (the horses name) was a good horse. Right, you know how we have heaven? (Harald nods.) Well, so do horses. I’m sure Smelly Bastard is now up in horsey heaven with Shit Machine, Can’t Stop Farting and Ugly Old Runt (The Earl’s of Orkney did not have much imagination when it came to naming animals).

Harald: But he bolted! He tried to kill me! The bastard!

Paul: Oh… then he is in horsey hell, I suppose.

Harald: Good, he belongs there!

Two months after this Tryggve began a monastic education, and was sent to study with the monks of Egilsay. In July of 1076 a messenger from the Pope showed up.

Papal Envoy: Hi. I urge you to take up the cross! If you do you receive this lovely crusader trait free of charge. Plus, you get a massive bonus should you be the one to take Jerusalem.

Paul: Sounds marvellous! (Looks suspicious) Hang on a moment, I’ve heard of this crusader trait! I think I will pass, if you don't mind.

Papal Envoy: Oh. In that case you get this used, smelly second hand sceptical trait, worth one-twentieth of a groat.

Paul: Cool! Although, you know, I’ve been thinking about this whole Christianity thing. I’ve decided that it is just not for me. I mean, when was the last time-

Papal Envoy: Shut up! Shut up!!!

Paul: -God answered my prayers? You know, I think the old gods were better. You really-

Papal Envoy: (Fingers in ears) La la la, I can’t hear you!!!! Aargh! (runs out).

Paul: -knew where you were with them. Oh, you’ve gone.

Early in the month of March 1077 the wise and brilliant commanders of Orkney discovered that if you pound a door really really hard with a great big piece of wood it will open, and thus developed the battering ram.

Over the last few years the Mad Lady of the Hills had been sleeping in the coal cellar in Kirkwall, with special permission from Earl Paul. Eventually the Earl decided that he had endured enough embarrassment, and had her very discreetly assassinated. Elsewhere, life continued as normal.

 

[unmerged(17581)]

Funny! :rofl:

Orkney Islands are fun, aren't they? I too picked off those pesky independent Irish counties one by one...

 

[Ciçatrix]

:rofl:
I wonder why you didn't take the crusader trait.

 

[Mike von Bek]

Feh, you think you can kill the Mad Woman of the Hills? I tell you, centuries from now, some students are going to go into the woods of Orkney, and a week later all that will be found is a badly edited video! I have forseen it! The Orkney Witch Project!