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The life and times of the Nocardia family or Tokarev's Tokiga Tuscany AAR (Sorry Carolus:D )

This is my first attempt at writing an AAR. As the title explains it is about a made-up mighty family in Tuscany. After some studies I have found that the way Tuscany was ruled was very confusing. To avoid that I have simplified things. There is one leader, the Grand Duke, under him he has a council, il consistorio, consisting of eight men. They advice the Grand Duke and elect a new leader if the previous dies. A seat in the council is inherited and a new family can only be let in if one of the council-families goes extinct. This means a lot of back-stabbing, poisoning and other fun stuff.

ICG 2.3 Patch 1.09
Settings:
Normal
Aggressive
Missions OFF
Balkanization
All unrest
Free Brittany, Ireland and Norway
COT in Moscow
Chaos Maims

Let the games begin...

Greetings future historians and future family members of this great family. Oh, forgive my poor manners, I am Lord Frederico Nocardia di Siena, at your service. But please call me Lord Nocardia. From my father, may he rest in etc, I inherited not only a seat in the council as advisor in the fields of military technology, strategy and juggling but also Honest Robertos Wagon Rental Co. and the Tuscan Piracy Co. The other seven members of the council are all old and frail so I hope that I will be able to control them. If I can't then my personal assistant Silvio can do something. Silvio is a tall man who always has an evil smile on his face and an axe in his hand. The diary begins on the first of January, Anno Domine 1492. I was on my way to the first meeting of the year and I had a terrible hang-over. Needless to say, last night's party was great.


The special new-year meeting

Grand Duke (Very alert and cheery): Right mylords, welcome to this years first meeting of the consistorio. And a special welcome to our newest councilman: Lord Nocardia. Would you like to say something?

Me: (Very weak) Ooh my head...

Grand Duke: Well, thank you for that. Shall we move on?

Council: ...

Grand Duke: Right...I suppose we should get cracking with the new yearly plan. Does anyone have anythin new to add?

Council: (Total silence)

Grand Duke: Okay, well continue with the old plan. See you next year then!

Me: (Still quite weak): Wait a minute. I have something to add. Tuscany will grow slower than a snail if we don't make some drastic measures.

(Some of the councilmen wake up. What is this young rascal talking about?)

Me: I suggest we start our faster growing by increasing our commercial presence in Venice and Genua. And when it comes to foreign affairs we have to move away from our current alliance. We'll achieve nothing with such slow friends. I suggest that we start moving closer to France and it's allies.

Lord Feruzzi: Now, now what's wrong with Modena, Genua and the Knights?

Me: Well, for one they are USELESS! We need stronger allies. France and her allies are the opposite force of the Spaniards and their alliance. We all know Spaniards can't be trusted.

Grand Duke: I'm sorry, why not?

Me: Sire, perhaps you do not remember that the Spanish emissary in Florence attended Lord Groppis birthday feast?

Grand Duke: So?

Me: He got drunk, made a pass at Lady Groppi and then threw up on me, Lord Cribo and the Pope.

Grand Duke: So that was him? What do you know...

Me: Anyway, to ensure our future entry in the French alliance we have to tie stronger ties to them and start to withdraw slowly from our present alliance.

Grand Duke: Sounds good to me. Any objections?

Lord Peruzzi: Well actually...

Grand Duke: Good, great, meeting ajourned. I'll be in my country house if you need me.
Ta ta.


The meeting had been a complete success for me. During the following year we will do what we can to achieve my goals: Better relations with France and more profit.
 
1492

1 January:
A tax collector was promoted in Florence. Fortunately my estate is liberated from all taxes.

3 January:
Navarra joins the French alliance. This only proves to me that that alliance is the road to success.

25 February:
Naples joins the Spanish alliance. Those damn lap-dogs to the Spaniards. They're not true Italians.

2 March:
Venice joins Russias alliance. Another case of an Italian state gone mad.

9 March:
The Turk declares war on the Mamelucks. And there is a great party tonight at Palazzo Partaj. I can hardly wait.

1 April:
After a long period of doing nothing the consistorio finally managed to agree to a Stately Marriage with France. The French send their most beautiful princess to Florence. I bravely take on the task of marrying here, I'll do anything for my country.

4 April:
Messengers from all over Europe were practically besieging the consistorio today, trying to shout out who joined who's alliance. Most of the messages were uninteresting but a few caught my attention. Lothringen and Kurpfalz joined the Spanish alliance and Poland-Lithuania joined the French alliance. Interesting indeed. On my way home one of the messengers threw a piece of paper at me, saying that Saxony had joined Hessen in an alliance. I had Silvio bet him up. That will teach him, stealing my valuable time, what cheek!

11 April:
Strange news: The Mamelucks has joined the Spanish alliance. I knew the Spanish were low but I never thought they would ally with an infidel nation.

12 April:
Today Cologne joined the Spanish alliance. Seems to me that soon that alliance will consist of all of the world. A frightening thought.

1 May:
The first Tuscan trader was sent off to Venice today. He is an Austrian named Hans Fraud.

25 May:
I learned that Hans Freud had been seen on the beaches of Genua, living a life of luxury. I sent off Silvio on a journey to show this Austrian what happens if you double-cross an Italian.

1 June: One of the young noble-women was sent off to Savoy to marry a young Duke there. This will hopefully bring our two countries closer together.

And I got news from Silvio, that Austrian thief has met his death in a very unpleasant fashion. It was something involving a duck, a long spear and two nuns.

Today I'm off for my vacation in sunny Siena. I will leave my dog Franco behind to fill in my seat in the consistorio.

2 september:
It feels good to be back. While I was away Franco tried declaring war on Spain. Luckily the Spanish emissary bribed him with a bone to stay put.

I arrange yet another Stately marriage. The Grand Dukes mad brother Vito marries some ugly girl from Navarra.

1 october:
Me: Excellent news, sire!

Grand Duke: What! Why did you awake me from my nap?

Me: We can now construct cannons, long tubes who throw stones over great distances.

Grand Duke: When is that good?

Me: It can make sieges go much faster.

Grand Duke: Bah! Have I ever told you about the time I led a French army, in my youth?

Me: Only about hundreds of times.

Grand Duke: Good! Here's what happened. The French high commander told me to capture the province of Helvetia. My second-in-command advised me to wait until the spring came. But I attacked right away! That great 150 000 man army started besiegieng Helvetia in December. And when summer came, the fortress was ours.

Me: Wasn't that because the stench of 140 000 dead Frenchmen made the entire garrison die of vomit attacks?

Grand Duke: No. It was all because of my brilliant tactis.

Me: Whatever.

1 November:
To improve relations with Poland-Lithuania we send one of the Grand Duke's sons there to marry one of the princesses. Unfortunately, a day later he is sent back with a sign on his back that says: "Can't do his duty in bed, if you know what I mean".

1 January 1493:
On the first day of the new year of 1493 we manage to trade maps with Pommerania. We send them a map that had been drawed by my two-year-old daughter and inexchange we get some info on Russia and it's neighbours. With that map we manage to trade maps with the Portuguese. They show us some interesting coastlines...

Our last action before the next annual meeting is a marriage between my dog Franco and the poodle Nina who belongs to a Swiss nobleman. The happy couple will live at my country estate.
 
Funny, funny... I want to write an AAR like this when I grow up (the Eire demo scenario I'm afraid it's not enough).
BTW, vacations in July of 1492? are paid?...
 
Thank you, thank you. Ah now that my ego has been feeded (WORSHIP ME etc.) I can continue on this. Next installment on...let's see...friday, but possibly earlier, depends on what my school dictates.

And that holiday was payed btw, I have a really good contract:D

Tokarev
 
Anno Domine 1493

1 January:
I was standing next to the Grand Duke right inside the doors that lead to the main balcony. He was preparing for his new years speech. Outside the crowd was both applauding and screaming insulting remarks.

Grand Duke: "I don't know if I can handle this. I mean, what should i say were our acccomplishments in 1492?"

Me: "Well, for one we instituted a tax collector here in Florence."

Grand Duke: "That's all?"

Me: "Yes, I guess so. Sorry."

Grand Duke: "So what should I say then?"

Me: "Just say something about the good things that will happen next year."

Grand Duke: "What good things?"

Me: "Just improvise, Sire"

I opened the doors to the balcony and pushed the Grand Duke out. Then I quickly shut the doors and started listening to his speech.

Grand Duke: "Greetings fellow members of the great state of Tuscany!" The crowd roared. "The year that is coming will be even greater then the previous one." Good, I thought to myself, he's going for a cliché speech. "In front of us lies great victories on the field of battle." WHAT!? "We will gain money and glory through a campaign greater then all previous campaigns on this peninsula." The crowd was silent. This was something new. "It's just a nightmare" I told myself. The Grand Duke continued: "I can't promise you a fast and bloodless victory," The crowd started booing. "Alright, I can promise you a fast and bloodless victory!" The crowd started cheering. "This will be the first page in story of the empire of Tuscany! Thank you, and God bless Tuscany!" The Grand Duke walked back inside with the cheer of the people practically pushing him back.

Me: "What in the name of God were you talking about, Sire!?"

Grand Duke: "I merely did as you told me to, Lord Numbskull."

Me: "My name is actually Nocardia and I told you to improvise, not to declare war!"

Grand Duke: "Oh please, you heard those cheers, they love it!"

Me: "Grrrrrrr"

Grand Duke: "Stop that! I want you to draw up plans for war against...oh, pick a country yourself."

Me: "When do you want this war against someone, Sire?"

Grand Duke: "Let's say next year."

Me: "But you just promised them a war during this year."

Grand Duke: "Damn, you're right. Well, you can solve that. I'm going fishing with my dear friend, the Venetian Doge. We're going to Crete."

Me: "He's not your dear friend, he tried to kill you during your last fishing trip."

Grand Duke: "Nonsense! That gun went off by accident."

Me: "And what about the poison in your food?"

Grand Duke: "A mix-up in the kitchen, no doubt."

Me: "And the hand-grenade in your bed?"

Grand Duke: "Enough with your questions! I will be back on the first of April and expect the preparations to be ready by then. Understood?"

Me: "We will work as fast as we can, Sire!"

The day after the Grand Duke had left everyone in the council went on vacation. I came back on the tenth of January just to get my swimming-trunks. While stopping by at the office I saw a note saying that the Turk had made peace with the Mamelucks. They received the province of Judea and the enormous sum of 0 ducats.

16 March:
Today I got back from my holiday and remembered that the Grand Duke was coming back on the first of April. I panicked. My first action was to send the army to Luca. That way I could show the Grand Duke I had made something. I spent plenty of time evaluating or different options. Two options to be precise. Either we could attack the Papal states and thus the French alliance. Or we could attack Modena and break our own alliance. It wasn't a hard choice. If we were fast we could be able to force a favourable peace onto the Pope. I spent one day inspecting our army. It is led by a nobleman, General Uffreducci. He is an expert on sieges, a skill that may come in handy. We have eight thousand infantrymen, a thousand cavalrymen and ten cannons. My spies tell me that Pope has about the same forces at his disposal.

This is my plan: The army will march onto Emilia and there they will engage the enemys main forces. After beating them they will quickly capture the province. Then they will march on Romagna. After taking that province we will offer our demands to the Pope. We want at least the province of Emilia. My hope is that we will be able to stun the French alliance. If we can stop the French from landing in Tuscany we have a good chance of winning. Before the war can start we will however secure our financial basis by increasing our presence in Venice.

24 March:
Totally exhausted after my hard work on the war preparations I receive the news that somepeople have joined some other peoples alliances. Nothing that interests me. I think I'm going on vacation again before the Grand Duke gets back. This time I think Greece will be nice. Their king likes me since I won the lambada-contest in Athens.

1 September:
I receive a message from my personal secretary Daniel, not to be confused with my personal assistant and hangman Silvio. He tells me that two merchants have been sent to Venice. Excellent.

8 September:
Since I am a bit bored of fun in the sun I oraganize the wedding between Silvio and a Greek princess. Of course I tell them that Silvio is a nobleman. Stupid Greeks.

1 October:
Now that I'm back in Florence I hear that the mercants sent to Venice were almost totally successful. One one of them started his business there but the other one got in a fight with a Hungarian dung-salesman. Both of them were sent to there respective homes.

1 January 1493:
We sum up yet another year. Preparations on the upcoming war have been moving along but otherwise we've mainly been avoiding the Grand Duke who still is very upset about the fact that he didn't catch any fish.

That's it for now.
 
Do you call this an update? Pah, I've seen better updates written by drunk baboons!

Just kidding, it was just fine.
 
Thank you for all the kind words!

proudirishmick-I plan to not ask my allies for help. That way the French and the Savoyans will have to take a boat to me. Uffreducci has 1 in siege so that should speed things up.

See ya on tuesday. This weekend is totally devoted to school work.
 
The war of an idiot

1 January 1494
Preparations begin for the future war against the Papal states. We begin recruiting four thousand infantrymen in Luca. Total cost is 36 ducats. I fear that that won't be enough. I spoke with the Grand Duke regarding the issue.

Me: "Good morning, Sire."

Grand Duke: "What do you want?"

Me: "I have a suggestion, why don't we borrow money and buy some cannons? That will greatly increase our chances of winning the war."

Grand Duke: "Hmmm. Does that mean that we have to pay the money back later?"

Me: "Unfortunately. But we can probably steal some money from the Pope, if we win the war."

Grand Duke: "Great! How about a game of table tennis?"

Me: "I'm a bit busy right now, sorry.

1 March
The recruiting process in Luca is now complete.

2 March
One of our scientists give me some news on a new invention.

Scientist: "Good news, Mylord!"

Me: "What is it then?"

S: "We have invented this" He holds up something that looks like a sock, only smaller.

M: "So, what is it?"

S: [Blushing] "It is a...you put it on your mumble-mumble"

M: "Mumble-mumble?"

S: "You know, your you-know-what."

M: "Ooh. Why?"

S: "I believe it can reduce the chances of different *cough* diseases."

M: "I see. What do you call it then, doctor Condom?"

S: "I don't know."

1 April
We take a loan on 200 ducats from the banirs of Milano. We will repay it in five years. A large part of the money is spent on buying cannons. [OOC: 43 ducats each! Aagh!]

4 April
The Pope announces a treaty, the treaty of Tortillas or something. He thinks he's so high and mighty. We'll show him.

3 May
Two merchants are sent to Venice.

1 June
A flattering letter is sent to the king of France.

"Your royal highness. You are probably the smartest man on earth. You could have every woman you want to. We worship you."

Unfortunately they aren't to impressed. [OOC: Relations up to +153]

3 June
Our business in Venice is expanded. An Austrian salesman of "dirty" novels is sent packing home. His goods are confiscated and taken to the Doge's palace.

1 August
The army is now almost completely prepared. We have thirteen thousand infantrymen, one thousand cavalrymen and thirty cannons. Everything is under the command of General Uffreducci, our contrys foremost expert on siges. The army will now spend some days training and preparing.

1 November: War! At last the army begins moving onto Papal territory. I am writing this on my horse, riding next to the General. The Grand Duke assigned me to making sure that things are done according to his will. The declaration of war was delivered by me earlier today.

Me: "By the way, Lord Gritti, we declare war on you."

Lord Gritti, the Papal ambassador: "What!? How can you do such a thing!"

M: "Quite easy. Now get out or I will have you hung."

LG: "But wait a minute, I thought we were friends?"

M: "I guess not, you pompous twat. Guards! Arrest this man!"

The war declaration created some unrest within the clergy. Damn fools! I hope they don't incite rebellious thoughts into the peasants.[OOC: Stability to 0]

I am also sad to note that not a single one of the Popes allies betrayed them.

21 November
We have finally reached the Province of Emilia. My spies tell me that the Papal armies escaped us ina matter of days. They have fled into Romagna.

23 November

Me: "I'm tired of this sieging thingy. When will things pick up general?"

Uffreducci: "Some sieges can take years, mylord."

M: "Booooorring. Can't you storm or something?"

U: "I don't know if that is the smartest thing to..."

M: "Storm I tells ya!

The men rush against the scarred walls and begin to to climb over.

4 December
After a long and hard battle the city is ours. We will move on to Romagna immediately.

14 December
Scouts tell me that the Popes army has begun a siege on Florence. Those naive sods.

25 December
We have reached the province of Romagna. Since the General was asleep when we arrived I ordered an immediate rush at the small fortress.

29 December
An army from Savoy lands in Luca. I hope that an army from France isn't coming with them.

2 January 1495
Our men fought like lions and the Papal garrison fought like frogs. The province is ours.

We hold peace talks with the Pope in Rome. He refuses giving up the province of Emilia. Looks like we have to convince him the hard way. We move on Rome, the eternal city.

22 January
We have reached the walls of Rome. On top on one of the walls I can see the Pope himself.

Pope: "Hey Lord Badbreath! You chicken. I bet you don't have the guts to storm this city."

Me: "What!?"

P: "Go on, I dare ya!"

M: "Charge!!!"

After four days of horrific battle, during which I observed the fighting from my tent, Rome has fallen. I gave the Pope my revenge, he had two wild horses attached to his testicles and was dragged through the streets of Rome. Luckily he survived,

2 February
We had plundered the city of Rome for days when it was time for peace talks. The talks were held in a tent outside of Rome.

Me: "Welcome, your holiness. You look a bit uncomfortable, is anything wrong?"

Pope: [Extremly high-pitched] "Watch it!"

M: "He he. These are our demands: the provinces of Romagna and Emilia plus the entire Papal treasury."

P: "I don't know..."

M: "Either you accept it or we will kill the entire population of Rome."

P: "So?"

M: "Including you."

P: "We accept your demands."

Peace, peace at last! I follow the victorious Tuscan army to Romagna. From there I move on to Florence.

Me: "I'm reporting back from the war, Sire."

Grand Duke: "Great! Good work and all that!"

M: "Thank you, Sire."

GD: "How was the Pope?"

M: "He was...castrated."

GD: "I beg your pardon!?"

M: "Nothing."

The war of an idiot was over
 
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