Yodelling Yokels - A Tirolean AAR

[Caggles]

First of all, I'd like to admit to being a long-time lurker and a first time poster (I know, how terrifying!). You can blame Iain Wilson (can always blame a Scot for everything, you know) and Eron12 for their hilarious AARs as Suenik and Nubia respectively, which had me in absolute stitches and convinced me to give it a go, myself.

I can only hope to live up to even half of their comedic standard with this little tale from the Alps.

 

[Caggles]

1066-1067 - Introductions

1030- Albert von Tirol

We'll start off with a few basic introductions.

This is me, Albert.

My son and heir, Albrecht. He's a bit of a wet blanket as you can see, but I've named him after me (with a few subtle changes so nobody notices, and so I don't end up getting his post and vice versa) and I'm sure he'll grow into a respectable young man.

Introduction enough? I thought so. Tirol itself is a province high in the mountains, consisting of a lot of rocks, a lot of snow, some great skiing, and a lot of peasants who like to yodel across the valleys, a bit like the Welsh, but less tuneful.

We're part of Bavaria, which itself is part of the Holy Roman Empire, the year is 1066, and all is well. Or as well as can be expected for a snowy outpost in the mountains without so much as a 7-11.

The Pope sends us a new bishop to show us the way. When he arrives at court, being the only man there apart from me, I slyly nudge him towards the barracks instead, telling him his duties involve leading, both spiritually and martially, our armies. I think he fell for it. Hope the Pope doesn't find out.

My wife gives birth to our first daughter, who we decide to call Katharina. I nod and smile at my wife, tell her she's lovely and don't mention that she looks like Winston Churchill without the cigar. I'm really not a child-friendly sort of person, and I hope she doesn't come to me asking what to do with her.

This fellow, Berthold, from neighbouring Innsbruck, says Tirol is a dump full of dumb peasants whose idea of military force is to wave a stick and hope. Like he can talk!

We nip over to Innsbruck to see what the fuss is about, and it turns out they've just learned how to throw javelins from a sling. Well, two can play at that game and we merrily steal this modern technology! Ha! Take that, Innsbruck!

While we're over in Innsbruck, taking in the newfangled technology that is a bit of cloth and a pointy stick, my wife, Berta seems to be spending a lot of time with Marshal Albrecht. No doubt she's just seeking spiritual guidance, and I leave her to it.

Is Berta just 'giving confession'? Will the Pope find out about the subversion of his bishop? Will slinged javelins truly revolutionise Tirolean warfare? Does anyone truly give a shit? And will anything exciting ever actually happen in Tirol?

 

[Caggles]

1068-1073 The Rise of the Black Market Woodploughs

1030- Albert von Tirol

Now what was the first thing I said when Katharina was born? Didn't I specifically say that I didn't want to get asked what to do with her? Didn't I?
Lacking any inspiration in the matter, I just leave her outside the court with a note saying 'free to a good home'. One of the nobles takes her away and leaves an IOU note to say they have her.

Encouraged by this act, which they call 'kidnapping', an entrepreneurial guild, no doubt funded by the nobles, sets up in Tirol. All of a sudden there starts to be money going missing. And that poor chap in the picture there had an eye and a tooth stolen, too! These thieves will take anything they can get their hands on.

Apparently the thieves guild has consolidated crime in the region, and the county is a lot more stable for it. I guess if you at least know your money went to an officially recognised guild when it was stolen, it counts for something.

We've been looking into the liberal arts, and had a bit of a breakthrough. Apparently it's a good idea to store all this knowledge in a big room for books. I like their way of thinking and commission a library right away.

Albrecht comes of age, and we have a look for a good wife for him. The Count of Cornwall agrees to give us his eldest daughter, as she's not much of a looker and she doesn't have many friends. She's quiet, modest, and should stay out of my way. Ideal.

Clearly approving of the way I leave my children to the whims of kidnappers, my liege, Otto of Bavaria, sends us his youngest daughter, Mechtild, to dispose of.

The peasants come running into the court one day, traipsing mud all over my nice shiny floors, to tell me that they've been watching the neighbours, and come up with the idea of using /both/ fields for growing crops, instead of standing in one and watching the crops grow in the other. I pat them on the head and send them away with a small Bavarian child as a prize. This fostering lark's pretty easy, huh?

I guess Berta just ran out of things to confess.

The library is complete, and the first book installed is one about Offensive Terrain. I guess that must be Berthold's little joke about Tirol again. Jerk.

The peasants come up with another fine idea, that of using a bit of wood to plough the land, instead of the small children they'd previously been using. Reluctantly I agree to let them try it.

It doesn't take long before there's a thriving black market in bits of wood. Duty free ploughs threaten to disrupt the economy, although when stopped, the peasants always claim it's for 'personal consumption only'. I guess they eat a lot of ploughs.

No offence, Albrecht, but your idea of diplomacy is to whine and cry until they agree to your demands. What kind of example of Tiroleans is that going to set to the neighbours?

Will kidnapping be the new norm in the mountains? Will the peasants find a new use for children now wood ploughs have taken over? Will the black market plough traders be brought to justice? Will Albrecht ever stop whining?

 

[Caggles]

1073-1075

(1030- ) Albert von Tirol

Five years later, and a noble shows up in court with a little girl, miserably explaining that it wasn't an IOU they left, it was a ransom note, and can we please just take Katharina back now they've found better ways of ploughing fields. I tell them to just leave her in the back of the court somewhere and bugger off.

Perhaps Mechtild and Berta both like to spy on peasants with ploughs? Perhaps they should get out more. Still, as long as she's out in the fresh air and not bothering me, I approve completely of the friendship.

Katharina's probably just jealous of Mechtild's super secret peasant spying status. Still, Katharina's a nice girl and I'm sure she won't do anything too drastic.

Ah. I'm not saying Katharina killed Mechtild's dad. I'm just saying that it's an odd coincidence that all of a sudden he's dead and Heinrich's taking over the Duchy of Bavaria. I'm a little worried about Katharina all of a sudden, and suck up to Heinrich in case he finds out.

Gebhard, Count of Nürnberg, is clearly supplying the shoddy, knockoff plough imports, I'm certain of it. He looks the type.

Determined to deal with the wooden plough issues plaguing the land, I commission a forestry to provide us with enough wood to make our own.

And then charge the peasants a little extra to cover the cost of building it.

The nobles fully approve of this, telling me it's all because we have been chosen by God as nobles of the realm, and it's our divine right to tax the peasants for their own good.

I guess she's a noble, too, come to think of it. I'll spare her a few gold pieces for a new frock, but nothing designer. I'm not made of money.

Albrecht, what have I told you about whining? Back to your room.

Yes, Mechtild is so much less whiny than Albrecht. She's absolutely right. We should try for more children, in case some 'accident' happens to him.

Has Katharina grown into a vindictive, sly little murderer in the company of her kidnappers? Will the new forestry stop the illegal import of shoddy foreign ploughs? Does Berta's bum look big in that dress? Will whiny Albrecht meet with an 'accident'?

 

[Caggles]

1076 - Chickens

(1030-1076) Albert von Tirol

Once again, the Bavarian kid is outshining all the home grown ones. It's a shame that Albrecht is already married, as Mechtild would make a good wife in about five years time.

Damn it, I said in about five years time! So I guess it's time to go bride shopping again for Albrecht, and see if he can manage /not/ to whine this one to death. I thought the Cornish were made of sterner stuff.

This little Catalan beauty was spotted on the Dalmatian coast, so I hounded her until she doggedly agreed to get leashed to Albrecht the Whiner, who practically bit my hand off when I collared him about her.

With Anglesa in the court, her winning smile and ways convinced me to appoint her to the job of chancellor (which will no doubt piss Albrecht off), which meant my current chancellor could take over the army, and finally let Marshal Albrecht take over as bishop, much to his confusion. 'I thought I was the bishop?' Yes, yes, it's... uh... a new diocese. Yes.

Still, that should keep the pope off our backs for a bit, right?

Ah.

You want us to go and liberate /where/ now? Alexandria? Isn't that, like, right in the middle of north Africa somewhere, and, oh yes, right in the middle of the Kingdom of Egypt. Who are about twenty bazillion times bigger than me? Uh... yeah, sorry, but I'm washing my hair that day. Just because I have a new, semi-competent marshal doesn't mean that I'm going to go traipsing off down to Africa to test him out. Besides, lotion hasn't been invented yet, and with skin like mine I'd just get sunburn and be miserable for the whole campaign. You go and have fun without me, though, your holiness. Send a postcard.

No sooner do I pointedly ignore the Pope's crusading encouragement than Berthold sends us a new book for the library, entitled 'The Care and Wellbeing of Chickens'. Do you think he's trying to tell us something? I pass it on to the peasants, regardless. Poultry for dinner tonight!

I do like some nommy chicken. Nom, nom... uh... wait, is this supposed to be pink, still? I'm... not...

...I don't feel very well...

...Urgh.

Will Albrecht the Whiner finally stop whining, or is it puppy love? Will the Pope notice that the Tiroleans are going nowhere and miraculously provide suncream and a boot up the arse? And most importantly, who cooked the chicken?

 

[morningSIDEr]

(can always blame a Scot for everything, you know)

Indeed. Although to be fair, it usually is our fault.

Marvellous start to the AAR, although I am constantly surprised that the late Albert is German. With the kidnapping and use of children as ploughs, he was clearly employing Scottish child rearing techniques. Then again he did know what a library is, so he clearly cannot be Scottish after all. Consider me very much subscribed.

 

[unmerged(61891)]

An excellent start to a pharglicious AAR! Though you might want to switch to Photobucket to get the pic quality a tad better, not sure how you want to handle that.

 

[Caggles]

1077-1078 - Of children, poor names and poor fashion

(1055- )Albrecht von Tirol

Well, it's about time I got to be in charge for a while! Dad never let me do /anything/, but now who's laughing, huh? Yeah, that's right. That'll be /me/ laughing. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, all right then, maybe this isn't the greatest eulogy in the world to give at his funeral. I'll save it for another time.

Look at me, though. Born to lead. One wife and one daughter buried, but my son and heir, little Rudolf, survives and we've got another bundle of poo and tears-- er, I mean joy on the way.

Well, Dad left Katharina to be kidnapped, but Dad was a douche. I'm not going to do what he did for my beloved son. On the other hand, I'm not about to pay for nannies either. I guess it's to the church with you, Rudolf. Sunday school with the monks -- like a free creche service.

No sooner are we free of one screaming child than my wife pops out another. It's worth mentioning at this point that my wife is very kind, very lovely, but doesn't speak a word of German. I mean, it was almost six months into our marriage that I found out her name wasn't 'Kay' after all, as it's all she kept responding when I asked her. Somebody clearly didn't tell the bishop this, however, and when he asked the perfectly sensible question of what we wanted to call our new son, she responded with a string of gobbledegook which the bishop wrote down as 'Perpinyà'. Which is probably Catalan for 'Piss off'.

Mechtild, our prodigious little fosterling from Bavaria, celebrates the new birth in style. That is, despite being only 12, she goes out with a lot of likeminded friends, drinks far too much beer, throws up on her shoes and passes out in a gutter, ready to repeat the whole cycle as soon as the hangover's worn off. I did initially wonder if she might have some Scottish blood in her, but her astounding organisational skills and attention to detail prove that this can't possibly be the case.

Far from being satisfied with a mere two children, particularly when one has a name I can't even pronounce, let alone spell, I restrict Kay to the bedroom until she can provide me with a child with a more sensible name.

Looks like fame of the Tirolean method of childrearing is spreading. Another neighbour wants us to look after their spawn for them, and we're only too happy to oblige.

Sometimes you just can't get the staff, can you? I told the bishop that this time if Kay couldn't come up with a recognisable name for the child, just to leave the form blank for the name. Apparently he misheard, the dumb old coot, and now look what we're stuck with.

I related my child naming woes (in a manly fashion! It's not whining, shut up Dad!) to Friedrich von Hohenzollern, Duke of Swabia, and he sympathises entirely. Apparently his wife, bitter with being landed with the name 'Kunigunde', which he says sounds like some sort of genital discharge, took it out on their children with immature names like Gotthard and Meinhard instead. I guess maybe 'Blanca' isn't so bad after all.

I'm sorry, pal, I'd care, I really would, but... you /do/ have a funny name. Gotthard. Hur hur. Hur. Hell, if the other kids weren't bullying you for it, I'd probably be doing it myself. Gotthard. Hur.

The court's fashion designers have come up with this season's 'in' look, and it's nice, supple suede, in pastel colours. This would be more useful if we had any cows to provide the leather, but nonetheless I agree to let them outfit the army with it. If you're going to fight, after all, you want to look stylish while you do it.

Turns out that the army weren't too keen on the pastel colours idea, and found a small pit in which to put the court's fashion designers, then threw rocks at them until they decided that brown was this year's pastel after all.

A stonepit sounds like the ideal place to send a boy to play, and when the army report to tell me about the place, I send Gotthard (hur hur) with them, much to their bemusement. Wait... did I mean sandpit? Oh well, too late now.

Will Kay ever learn to speak German? Will Albrecht ever cease to find the Swabian children's names amusing? Will the army look better in brown? And will Gotthard (hur hur) survive the stoning?

 

[Caggles]

Riptide - hopefully that quality's a bit better for you. Was worried about bandwidth, but that should do the trick.

Morningsider - glad you're enjoying it thus far! I shall have to see about marrying in some Scots, just to try to make sense of it all.

 

[unmerged(61891)]

Definitely do like the new quality--these (22-year-)old eyes of mine certainly appreciate it. It seems the new Count is very boastful with little to be boastful about...except, perhaps, being on the Duke's shortlist for kindergarten.

 

[morningSIDEr]

Excellent stuff, especially the comment regarding Mechtild.

I shall have to see about marrying in some Scots, just to try to make sense of it all.

Good God man, you are already mentally scarring your children with the names they are being given, don't make them suffer having a Scottish parent too!

 

[Murmurandus]

Ah, one can never have too much funny AARs!

Good job so far.

Scottish people seem to have an interesting sense of humour indeed...

 

[Patukov]

Very funny indeed,do you plan to be the Emperor of the HRE?