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Heh, very nicely done. I'll keep up with this.
One thing though - aren't women bad luck aboard a sailing ship?
One thing though - aren't women bad luck aboard a sailing ship?
IT IS THE SEVENTH of November 1838. The glorious Royal Navy, envy of the seven seas, sails into the Gulf of Mexico bearing quite a cargo indeed. Four divisions of the military of the United Kingdom, under the command of the persistent, though amateur, General Harrison.
Harrison: We land now!
Lord High Admiral: Patience, we must wait for the tide.
Harrison: But I want to land now!
Lord High Admiral: I would hold no objections, but it simply isn't possible.
Harrison: NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW *stamps feet*
Captain: *sigh* Give it up, milord, he's persistent.
Lord High Admiral: OH VERY WELL. But this is the last favour I shall do for you.
Harrison: ...Eh. I changed my mind. We land in Belize.
Captain: Saw that coming.
And so, based upon what is certainly a decision of strategic importance rather than the whims of the commander, the transport fleet of the Royal Navy sails south to Belize, while the HMS Government, along with the other illustrious vessels of the main fleet guard the Gulf of Mexico against the dangerous Mexican navy.
Lord High Admiral: Lookout! What enemy vessels are visible?
Lookout: Sir! I have spotted a frigate, two sloops and perhaps a few rowboats.
Lord High Admiral: They mean to strike at us with everything they have. God help us all.
Captain: *mumble mumble mumble*
After that glorious victory, along with others on land against the devious General Cos, the British receive even more news: Allies have arrived.
Melbourne: Are you quite certain?
Palmerston: Indeed. The Liberians have sent us their entire military force! Truly a moment for celebration!
Captain: *staring blankly, almost in monotone* It's only one division...
Melbourne: Nothing can stop us now!
Over the next two years, the war continues apace. The British army, under the persistent General Harrison...
Harrison: Push forward!
Division commander: That's all you ever say... can't we stay here for a moment?
Harrsion: I SAID PUSH FORWARD! IF YOU DON'T... I'LL CRY!
...proceeds to grind down all resistance, eventually occupying Mexico City itself. But in August of 1840 news reaches the fleet itself.
Messenger: Important news! There has been an election! The Whigs have won!
Melbourne: Quite good. Carry on then.
And so the long and slow war continues. Palmerston, however, has been looking into ways of opening another front; and so, on 28 May 1842, he unveils his great plan to the United States.
Palmerston: ...So, we simply sell you what you claim to be a portion of Maine, in exchange for your claims in the Columbia territories - the region you refer to as Oregon. But we will allow you this... ah, yes, "Idaho".
American: Dem's good taters.
Palmerston: ... Indeed. Am I to understand we have an agreement?
American: Lemme git one thin' straight here. Y'say this bit o' Maine's bigger'n all that stuff out west? I ain't so good with gee-yografy.
Palmerston: Quite correct.
American: Whee doggie! You got yerselves a deal! *grabs Palmerson's hand and shakes it roughly*
Palmerston: I do so love the American educational system... if there's anything wrong with this deal, I'll eat my hat.
And so Palmerston returns to the HMS Government deal in hand.
Melbourne: We appear to have come out on the long end of the deal. Tell me, Palmerston, what forces do we have available in the western parts of North America?
Palmerston: Erm... none, sir.
Melbourne: ... I would think it well that you rectify that matter as soon as practicable.
Palmerston: Very good sir. Please had me my hat, sir, it appears to be dinner-time.
Captain: *has completely entered a catatonic state*
RGB: If you have any other good hat recipes, feel free to send them to the Viscount Palmerston, he'll need them.
Stuyvesant: It rather depends on what they prove to be competent at, really.
El Pip: Take a look at how his mental health has been doing this update, at that.
henryjai: I have informed Viscount Melbourne of this plan, and he is looking into methods of possibly doing so. It won't be this war, however.
Enewald:
Palmerston: Ugh... so... many... waves... *gets seasick over side* Oh, there goes last night's hat.
Everyone else: More thanks for each and every comment!
Stuyvesant: It rather depends on what they prove to be competent at, really.
El Pip: Take a look at how his mental health has been doing this update, at that.
henryjai: I have informed Viscount Melbourne of this plan, and he is looking into methods of possibly doing so. It won't be this war, however.
Enewald:
Palmerston: Ugh... so... many... waves... *gets seasick over side* Oh, there goes last night's hat.
Everyone else: More thanks for each and every comment!
Why was Palmerston talking to someone from Mississippi?
Apparently because I've been listening to lots of Cincinnati Reds games lately, so my idea of "cowboy" has been skewed somewhat towards "Jeff Brantley".
You want recipes? I see Tabasco on that map.
Good luck with further adventures in Statesman-ship!
Good luck with further adventures in Statesman-ship!
Ah, bless... Crass stereotyping and the return of the hat joke.
I look forward to many happy returns.
The writer has mastered the two pillars on which any successful comedy AAR is based. Excellent, this can only end well.Ah, bless... Crass stereotyping and the return of the hat joke.
Reoccuring jokes and crass sterotyping are sure fire roads to success in a comedy AAR