Chapter 9 D : Flowering Nights -
That Centennial Festival (1491-1493)
Sovereign Floris VI von Hohenzollern, since 5 November 1466
"It is war! WAR!"
Startled by the sudden cry, Wilhelm von Hohenzollern looked to be on the verge of leaping from his seat in alarm, his left hand firmly pressed against the surface of his desk. His right hand had already flung open the top drawer of his desk, wherein there could be seen a hint of metal, glinting somewhere within its depths.
"Ambassador! I have warned you once, and I will not do so again! Except in the case of an emergency, you are
not to enter the private offices of this nation's administration, never mind barge into my office, upon the pain of arrest!"
"But sir, it
is an emergency! The sassenachs are attacking!"
"The ...
what?"
The foreign term rolled off Wilhelm's tongue like the unfamiliar name of some regional amateur football team. Given the woefully unkempt state in which Wilhelm had kept his private office, and his own disregard for personal hygiene when there were matters of state to which to attend, it was understandable how he did not wish to be seen by anyone, let alone a foreign dignitary. Worse still, however, was how this rude interruption had come in the middle of a rather emotional private discussion between himself and his brother, Floris ...
"Floris?"
"Ah ... Sovereign Floris? Oh,
mon Dieu! Let me help you up ..."
Ambassador Ross de Boeuf, only belatedly noticing that in his haste he had struck Floris von Hohenzollern square in the back with the edge of the door, bent down to assist him. The poor man, simply dressed in civilian clothing rather than an administrative or military uniform, lay stricken on the ground with one arm pressed to the base of his spine. However, upon seeing the French Ambassador reaching down to assist him, he appeared to regain his strength, scuttling away with the aid of his other hand, while glaring straight at the Ambassador with eyes that blazed with the fires of hell. He was a being possessed by roiling emotions that were neither shared nor empathised with by either of the other men in the room.
"... deceiver ... Judas ...!" muttered Floris under his breath, as he edged backwards, still clutching one hand to his back, until his movement found a vertical surface to aid him in rising to his feet.
"Floris, we'll get you some medical attention. I will summon the physician ..." Wilhelm stammered, but the shortest of glances from Floris - indeed, the first time Wilhelm had even set eyes upon his brother that day - was enough to convince him that Floris neither needed nor wanted his help. "Never mind! Ambassador Ross de Boeuf, you'd better have a good explanation for this!"
"My apologies, lord Floris and lord Wilhelm!" said Ambassador de Boeuf, unconsciously backing into the door and holding it open with his body as if to seek to prevent such an accident from ever recurring. "But it
is an emergency. France is being invaded!"
"By whom?" This absurdity of this revelation was enough to startle the brothers into seeing this situation with new eyes. Even Floris, who had been overcome with emotion mere moments before, seemed to snap out of his trance-like rage.
"France is at war ... with the Auld Enemy, England! And the Sovereign of Savoy is aiding them! You must heed the terms of our alliance, and join us in battle!"
Well, that was unexpected.
"I ... well ..." Caught by surprise, Wilhelm struggled for an adequate reply, his ability to think obstructed by having been in a completely different frame of mind and in a state which polite society might term 'inappropriate dress'.
"Deal with it, Wilhelm, like you always do. I will return to the barracks and prepare the men for war. We march on your orders."
Floris' words shook Wilhelm out of his momentary paralysis, and though they were spoken in a tone of biting acidity, they were the sole vote of confidence in Wilhelm's judgement. His brother had risen to his feet, though he yet held a hand to his back as he edged his way toward the open door, probably still feeling the effects of the collision from earlier. The sound of quickening footsteps echoing from the depths of the corridor soon indicated to the two remaining men that Floris was out of earshot.
"... did you see his eyes, lord Wilhelm? That was the face of the devil!" observed Ambassador Ross de Bouef as he shut the door behind him, this time taking care to stand outside the angle of the door's movement.
"Thanks to your rude interruption, he was struck full in the back with a heavy wooden door. I doubt he would be best pleased," replied Wilhelm, seemingly unaware of the true reason for Floris' blazing anger, "but enough of that. As fellow seafaring nations, our country has maintained cordial relations with England, and before we aid you in your war, I want you to tell me exactly what kind of grudge they have against France."
"Surely you've heard of the Hundred Years' War, sir! It has been more than a hundred and fifty years since Edward III of England first laid claim to the throne of France, which was then rightfully held by King Philip VI de Valois. Since then, Edward III's descendants have pursued this claim, alternately through force and diplomacy, and it seems that they have taken the opportunity of our present King's Louis XIV's minority, and somewhat doubtful legitimacy and intellectual capacity, to press that claim. As you might know, they still hold some territories in Aquitaine which are rightful possession of the French crown, so their claims cannot be ignored, however false and contrived they may be."
"I have heard this tale several times before, and I do wonder why this conflict is known as the 'Hundred Years' War' despite lasting far longer than that," acknowledged Wilhelm, after listening to Ambassador de Boeuf's explanation, "but perhaps the recent lack of conflict has lulled us into a false sense of security. What do you know about the present King of England, which might have driven him to pursue this claim through war?"
"The King of England, Edward IV of the House of Lancaster, is very much unlike his father and elder brother who ruled before him. His father, King Thomas I, was a peace-loving ruler who preferred diplomacy to war, having witnesed in his youth the slaughter of his father Henry V and over a thousand of his most loyal knights at Agincourt, the final battle of the last war between our nations many decades ago. Edward's elder brother King Charles I might have been tempted to resort to war, but he died mysteriously before reaching his twentieth year. Indeed, rumours still circulate that the young Edward may have been involved in his death."
"Get to the point, Ambassador," interrupted Wilhelm impatiently, as he self-consciously stroked the stubble at the side of his chin. It felt unbearable to have to deal with the ambassador while in such an ill-groomed state, but it could not be helped. It was an emergency after all - if anything, its bad timing made him want to punish the upstart King of England ever the more.
"Edward IV of Lancaster is but eighteen years of age, but already he has framed himself as a warrior and a thinker, seeking to transform his nation according to the whims of some new policy of collectivisation and centralisation. Drawing upon the second King of England, William Rufus, as his inspiration, he wears the red of the rose of Lancaster as his emblem, leading both supporters and opponents in his court to dub him 'Red Ed'. It is thus no surprise that a dastard such as he would labour towards painting Europe red, drowning it in a sea of blood by re-igniting the Hundred Years' War."
Left : King Edward IV "the Red" of England in his later years, wearing his favourite red coat.
Right : The emblem of the house of Lancaster, a rose gules, slipped and stalked vert
"Intriguing. I believe that the ancient King William Rufus of England had certain 'issues' with his brothers as well as a fixation with the province of Normandy. Perhaps this 'Red Ed' is very much the same, considering the untimely disappearance of his elder brother from the political scene ..." observed Wilhelm, liberally pointing out the similarities between the two leaders. "If you consider their Scottish neighbours' disposition toward clan-based warfare, it would seem that the residents of that western isle breathe the very air of internecine conflict."
"An accurate observation, lord Wilhelm," commented the French ambassador, seemingly grateful for the distance the continent offered from his ancestral homeland. "Alas! Treason, thou art fled to British breasts."
"And men have lost their judgement, if even a King is foolish enough to march his countrymen to their deaths by attacking a country as well-defended as France," interrupted Wilhelm, pointing out the very simple fact which he had learnt from the many years spent in alliance with that country.
"That's the problem, sir ..." stammered Ross as he fidgeted nervously where he stood. "France is ... uh ... not defended. Our standing army has been disbanded."
"
WHAT?!" Wilhelm shot bolt upright, practically jumping from his chair, utterly confounded by the sheer imbecility of the statement.
They disbanded their entire army?
"It's true ... please, don't waste your rage on me, sir! It wasn't my fault!" cowered Ambassador de Bouef as he shrank from the wrath of the
other Co-Sovereign of
Holland. Having to suffer the anger of one was already more than enough for any man, no matter how stocky or well-built. "But it's true. King Louis XIV has decided to, er, offer every soldier an unpaid vacation. Or maybe they were laid off ... I really don't know! I'm as dumbstruck as you are as to why the Privy Council would agree to such a thing! May I ... ameliorate your anger by saying that your great nation of
Holland now has the mightiest army in all of Europe?"
"
That's not the point! What I want to know, is, what kind of moronic, cretinous,
ludicrously, utterly, and completely stupid imbecile could let such a thing happen!"
"Please don't hurt me ..."
Dear God why.
"I would surmise that France does not have a single ship ready for war, either," said Wilhelm, after he had cooled down sufficiently to continue the conversation in a more civil manner. He recalled his previous dealings with members of France's Privy Council, specifically the elderly and uncooperative General Jean Villeneuve, and reconciled himself to the fact that the man had one great merit to him - he wasn't a blooming idiot.
"Um ... no, sir," confessed Ross de Boeuf shamefacedly. "Following the young King's ... 'military restructuring', we do not have a single regiment or fleet in active service as of this point."
"And you, Ambassador, expect
Holland and her associates and vassal states to sacrifice our men and resources to aid you in this war to hold off Red Ed's dubious claims to your country?"
"... yes, sir."
Wilhelm gritted his teeth, seething with annoyance while trying his best to prevent the rage within him from again exploding before the admittedly blameless ambassador. A more reasonable side of him was working desperately to conjure up some sort of scheme or battle plan to save the helpless child king Louis XIV de Valois from having to suffer the consequences of his idiocy.
"It will not be easy. As you may know, England possesses a terrifying fleet of carracks, a mighty wooden wall which protects their homeland from invasion. But, if you give us supreme command in the war, we shall bring our coalition victory. I promise you this."
"... I can't do that, lord Wilhelm," apologised Ross de Boeuf, letting out a sigh of helplessness. "I am just an ambassador. It's not within my authority to give you control of the war effort. Believe me, sir, I'm just as exasperated as you are."
"This is a god-damned omnishambles," snarled Wilhelm, real anger glowing in his eyes. "You're fighting off some ancient claims to your territory, while disbanding every regiment and fleet, and refusing to give us command of the war. And you expect us to help you? I have a blasted country to run here, do I look like I have time for jokes?"
"So ... your answer is ... negative?"
"I..."
As Wilhelm paused to consider his reply, he felt suddenly uncomfortable in the silence of the stale air which filled his office. Impulsive in emotion, but not in action, he felt jolted from his complacency by the urgency of the unfolding situation, and sought some refuge - indeed, any words of advice or solace - which would provide some guidance in such an emergency. Averting his eyes for a moment, he remembered the parting words of his brother, uttered what now seemed like ages ago, a simple yet profound instruction to 'deal with it'. Very well.
"I will continue to honour the alliance, despite the ... 'adversity' of the conditions under which we will operate."
"Really ...?" Ambassador de Boeuf, his expectations having been sunk by the difficulty of the task he was requesting, was almost stunned with joy at the positive response. "I know I am only an ambassador, but I will do my best to aid your nation in your war effort. I have connections in Scotland who might be able to help you open up a front against the Auld Enemy ..."
"Tell me what I need to know, and return to your masters with the consolation that we will aid them in driving the invaders from their lands. Leave the strategy to me."
"Thank you ... thank you, lord Wilhelm!"
Battle Plan : The Second Umpteenth English War of Reconquest of Normandie, started June 1491
Note how England controls part of Algiers, as well as Smyrna. In addition, Savoy's only coastal province is occupied by Milanese rebels.
Military strengths do not account for conscription or external commitments, and may not reflect total numbers of troops deployed in battle.
Numbers given by the naval lozenge in green represent allied vessels, and the lozenge containing a black dot represents a proposed artillery battalion.
November, 1492. A year and a half had passed since the renewal of hostilities in the Hundred Years' War. However, unlike the previous acts in this protracted and inconclusive play, this latest scene featured a new character whose appearance threatened to bring the saga to a denouement. That character, of course, being
Holland, blooming like a flower out of the withered corpse of Burgundy to emerge as the deciding third party. Despite the balance of war having tilted drastically in Frace's favour, observers maintained that there was still the question of whether
Holland's allegiance could be shaken, with money, titles, and other promises, in the same way Burgundy's had been. Whether the glorious flower of intervening third party could be swayed from one sun to another.
Wilhelm knew this. And he knew that was the reason for the meeting scheduled for today.
The initial position of advantage over England had not been easily achieved - it had been won through strategy, subterfuge, and opportunism, rather than brute force. The starting battles of the war had commenced in July 1492 when the Sovereign's Own Amsterdam Corps engaged the English expeditionary force in Normandy. The English army, fatigued and inexpertly commanded, were quickly routed by a combined force of
Hollanders, Bretons, and French resistance fighters, scoring the first victory for the coalition army.
However, progress beyond this early advantage appeared to be limited. The French government, shocked out of their complacency by the sudden declaration of war, immediately embarked on a massive campaign of conscription, funded by emergency taxes raised in an attempt to stave off bankruptcy. However, these newly-raised regiments were not channelled against the Auld Enemy, but were instead directed south, against the upstart Savoyard invaders who had penetrated the nation's soft Occitan underbelly as well as Gascon and Basque rebels who had risen in Aquitaine to take advantage of the government's weakness. The Amsterdam Corps headed south to assist in retaking territory and slaughtering
alien Italian invaders and
peasants rebels, with the victorious French army enforcing the annexation of Lombardy and guaranteeing the independence of Milanese secessionists who had overtaken Cuneo.

But this small triumph did not solve the main problem at hand - that of the Auld Enemy, and the irrefutable strategic advantage they held over the coalition thanks to their control of the sea. The English Navy Royal, larger than the entire coalition fleet put together and also better equipped, with there being no doubt that it would ruin its opponent in the event of a direct confrontation. This 'wooden wall' thus not only prevented enemy manoeuvres at sea, but was capable of blockading and conducting precision strikes on weaker members of the coalition. A herald from the Byzantine Greeks had already reported the capture of Janina, with English forces in the midst of besieging Larissa as well as Braga in Galicia.
Holland and her allies thus lacked the means of delivering the decisive blow against English aggression, while their resistance slowly wore thin under the detrimental economic effects of the blockades.
However, the turning point came as a result of a most unlikely contribution - the launching of a French ship in the Cote d'Azur. Perhaps out of misjudgement, or a conceited desire to put up a show of force, the entire English Navy sailed for the Iberian coast to intercept the lone French vessel. This was the opportunity for which
Holland had been waiting. A division of the nation's finest arquebusiers boarded transports from Antwerp and headed for an unspecified contact in Dunbar, on the coast of Lothian in Scotland, as
Hollander's sailors finally saw action under the captaincy of the merchant adventurer Gerardus Appingedam.
Within a month, the garrison in Berwick had been taken by surprise, the sizable border patrol driven back by unexpected invaders from the north (they had apparently been only looking out for suspicious people in skirts), and Newcastle and Durham were under siege. Taking advantage of their opponents' slothful retreat into Cumbria, perhaps tempted by the opportunity to retire in the Lake District and reminisce about daffodils and rabbits, the disciplined
Hollander force pursued, encountered, and routed the Army of Scotland just south of Carlisle. The first blow had been struck against the English homeland, and there was now hope the spectre that Red Ed had cast over Europe could be turned back.
No, there aren't any words worth describing pottering about on a cold ridge in the Lake District.
However, there were still many battles facing the
Hollander expeditionary force in England. The King's Army, a reserve battalion under the direct command of Red Ed himself marched to confront them, slowly growing their numbers through peasant conscripts as they headed northward. With the English navy retreating to the isles after being alerted to their strategic error, the isolated expeditionary force had little hope of receiving reinforcements, spread thin as they were attempting to lay siege to three counties at once. A direct confrontation with the English army would mean a rapid annihilation by their superior and easily-reinforced numbers, or worse, having to retreat across the border to Gretna.
Wilhelm recalled the frantic late-night strategy meetings with the war representatives of
Holland's vassal duchies to devise a strategy to reinforce the forward army, with the brave admiral Appingedam waiting in the harbour with the fleet. All this took place while their resourceful commander tried to stave off the inevitable English attack by marching ten regiments of men up to the top of the Pennines, and marching them down again, in an attempt to keep the English army confused and divided, neither up nor down.
In the end, a risky strategy was formulated: Admiral Appingedam was to take command - not of the transport flotilla, but of a pair of light ships who would streak north past the east coast of England, and tempt the English ships of the line into giving chase, while a second division would be sent to reinforce the forward army. Should the decoy prove effective, Wilhelm made plans for a risky gamble - to additionally dispatch a battalion of
Holland's experimental field artillery to England, where it would be expected that they would lay waste to a technologically backward army unprepared for such a deployment.
The plan worked better than expected. Admiral Appingedam was not only successful in drawing the attention of the massive English fleet, tempted by what they perceived to be an easy target, but was also ballsy enough to lead them on a wild goose chase, sailing between Caithness and Orkney (making a quick stop to deliver a thank-you note from Ambassador de Boeuf to his relations), before speeding through the Minch, past the west coast of Ireland, and then south to the Bay of Biscay and then around Iberia before finally docking at Marseille to enjoy a well-deserved break in the summer sun of the French Riviera.
Eventually, the Navy Royal came to the revelation that they'd been taken for a ride, their commanding officer probably more imbecilic yet than the French King Louis XIV and his court, but it was too late. The newly-reinforced
Hollander army turned the tables, routing the King's Own Regiment and sending Red Ed scuttling back to London, while
Hollander experimental field artillery tore holes in English fortifications along the east coast. Eventually Newcastle surrendered, driven to desperation after being cut off from their access to spicy imported curry, and subsidies and welfare payments from London, the first of many county capitals to fall to
Hollander occupation.
England had never been successfully invaded by sea since the time of the Norman Conquest. It seemed only appropriate that
Holland, newly-anointed rulers of the sea who had discovered the fabled route to the Promised Land, were the first to do so since then. And this, Wilhelm reasoned, was exactly what the meeting scheduled for today was to concern.
Oo arr, it's grim oop north. The only way we could get more incomprehensible is if we spoke Dootch.
"Duke Floris van Hohenlohe, innit?"
"No. it's Wilhelm, von Hohenzollern. And the correct title is Sovereign, or to be precise co-Sovereign."
"Yeah, whatever, I don't give a toss. And what kinda naff name is Floris, anyway?"
"..."
The peculiar nature of the co-Sovereignity in
Holland, and the preferred pursuits of each of the co-Sovereigns, meant that the throne room in the manor was a place which never really saw any use. However, this time it had been specially cleaned and dusted, it being an occasion when Wilhelm felt it more appropriate to receive an emissary in an altogether more formal setting, rather than making do with something casual and ordinary for simplicity's sake.
Shunning the pretentiousness of actually taking the Sovereign's seat for himself, Wilhelm preferred to stand on ceremony, although a work table had been brought in for the purpose of laying out maps and treaties. A final irregularity in the usual procedures for diplomatic meetings: Wilhelm had requested the services of several guardsmen, stationed beside him and at the corners of the room, to help discourage and if necessary defend him from any potential hostile action.
The visitor necessitating these special arrangements was, of course, the Ambassador from England, a certain unsavoury fellow by the name of Lester Fenshaw. The lad was supposedly the second son of some earl or another, but he acted nothing like would be expected of a nobleman. Almost twenty years' Wilhelm's junior, the shaven-headed 'ambassador' was slovenly, brash, rude, and generally unpleasant to be around, with a tendency to roam Amsterdam's streets in the evenings, reeking of alcohol and yelling some gibberish which could best be approximated as either "Earwigo", "Angerlun", or "Wamburli". It is unknown as to whether Wilhelm's opinion of the man would have been any different if he had known such actions greatly resembled the behaviour of Eberhard von Hohenzollern, his father, had he lived beyond his early twenties.
"Well then, let's talk business, William. We haven't got all day." As expected of most residents of the southern part of that distant isle, Lester Fenshaw only spoke one language - his own.
"It's simple, ambassador. The coalition demands your nation's unconditional surrender, and the immediate independence of the enslaved minorities chained to England's yoke," Wilhelm intoned in as emotionless a voice as he could manage, though inwardly he raged. "The Irish people. The Welsh, and Cornish. Even the Turk and Moslem deserve to be released from England's oppressive regime. Such is the desire of our alliance of free peoples."
"Your alliance?" Lester just about broke into a guffaw as he gave Wilhelm a sly glance. "You're taking the piss, mate. What you mean is, that's what
you want, bugger the rest of 'em."
"..."
"We know what you're up to. Playing along, being the helpful coalition partner and all that, but you know deep down you want them taken out. It's all about power, and you're just using them to get what you'd never be able to achieve alone."
"..." Perhaps that apathetic and dissolute wastrel was a little sharper than he was letting on, Wilhelm thought, while maintaining a tempered silence.
"I mean, look at that retard who's on the throne in Paris right now. He doesn't even have the capacity to manage his court, never mind run a country. That's what happens when you kip in the sun all day, innit? You are like a free bird. You don't have to be shackled to a corpse. Just forget about propping up this condemnable coalition and let us return to our aim of working for the union of both our crowns."
"Get to the point, ambassador. Either accept our terms, or propose something more agreeable."
"Tch. Right, I'll quit faffing about," Lester cussed as he opened the diplomatic brief he held under his arm, and pulled out a roll of paper - the draft of a partly-completed diplomatic treaty. "In exchange for the immediate withdrawal of all
Hollander forces from our islands and the return of all occupied garrisons, King Edward has agreed to hand over the year's worth of taxes as war reparations."
"Surely you jest, ambassador. I know that there's no money left." With almost all of England on their home island occupied by
Holland's troops, it'd be a wonder if any revenues had actually made their way to London.
"... Fine. We'll turn over the forts in Newcastle and Carlisle to you," proffered the English ambassador, as he thrust the scroll of parchment at Wilhelm's chest like the wand of a conjuror. "There must be something about them you like since your men first dropped off there. Lovely scenery, too."
"A good attempt, but you can't fool me," Wilhelm snorted in digust at that ambassador's meagre offer. "We do not care for the duty of guarding your northern borders from Scotland. Red Ed must certainly be quite crafty, to think of a scheme to divert the competition posed by your northern neighbour onto a third party."
"Bloody know-it-all. This is our last offer, and no tricks, I swear." Lester snarled as he returned the parchment to his diplomatic case, without pausing to retrieve a new one. "We'll give you the county of Essex. That's the only way. Essex."
"You already know my answer, Lester Fenshaw," said Wilhelm, not even considering the possibility of annexing one of England's richest and most populous counties, comparable in its levels of economic activity (and self-obsessed youths) to the region of Flanders. "I have already stated my demands - for the freedom of oppressed peoples. We stand for liberty and self-determination, not selfish, petty goals like the acquisition of wrongful territory, which would turn us into oppressors ourselves!"
Upon hearing Wilhelm's reply, Lester Fenshaw's lips contorted into a hideous scowl, his teeth bared like the fangs of a cornered animal.
"... you can't be serious, you moppet. You might think you're in charge, but once the French take control of the situation, you'll regret turning down my offer. You'll regret this, William van Hohenlohe!"
Slamming a palm against the surface of the table separating him from Wilhelm von Hohenzollern, the ambassador delivered his parting shot before turning to leave. Folding his arms, Wilhelm watched the younger man with an unchanging expression as the ambassador headed for the main doors which the guards had opened for him.
A dozen thoughts were running through his mind; while he was glad to see the back of that scoundrel, he could not shake the feeling that the man - his enemies - knew more about him than he wished to let on, and the 'ambassador's' overblown demeanour and blatant attempts to mislead him were worryingly deliberate. Was he actually trying to goad him into making an unwise move? Who was manipulating whom? It was clear that the two men were on completely different wavelengths, each trying to outwit the other, but in a manner which made them seem completely incomprehensible to their adversary.
Wilhelm was shaken out of his thoughts by the rapid footsteps of a man dashing up to his side. It was the Marshal of the Mint, Joost Schönebeck, who was surprisingly sprightly despite his advanced age.
"My lord Wilhelm! I saw the Ambassador from England leaving the throne room. You didn't agree to his proposals, did you?" asked Marshal Schönebeck, his voice quivering and agitated.
"... no, I didn't. Their terms were unacceptable. Is something the matter?"
"This, sire," said Joost as he handed the co-Sovereign of
Holland a diplomatic communique.

"Interesting," muttered Wilhelm as he considered the change in the strategic situation as a result of this revelation, which might have explained the evasive attitude of the English ambassador. However, one more thing still bothered him. "But I was just wondering, Joost. Since when did you have opinions on matters of state?"
"Ah! Forgive me, sire," apologised Marshal Schönebeck, as he bowed his head in remorse. "I spoke too hastily there, and for that I am sorry. All of us have opinions, lord Wilhelm, but it is my duty not to express them unless asked."
Wilhelm observed the sincerity in the eyes of the aged advisor, and pondered whether he had indeed been outmanoeuvred, after all.
To be continued in the thrilling conclusion! Chapter 9 E : Flowering Nights - Night of Nights (1493-1495)