Metadata
March 2108 - Ministry of Space Exploration - Meeting room 6
“Are you telling me we found alien pornography?” Minister for Space Exploration Baumann sounded about as incredulous as one would expect.
“Well, yes, sort of.” The technician from the first contact team was blushing. Heinrich Walter von Roon wasn’t sure if it was from the subject matter, or having to explain it officially. “From what we can gather, it seems to be… ehm… a collection of sexually explicit images. We suspect it was sent as a prank.”
“I can’t wait to host the press conference,” Heinrich said, not even bothering to hide his smirk anymore. “Gathered members of the press, I am pleased to say that today we can present the first interstellar dick pic.”
“Well, in this case, it would be a stamen pic,” Dr. Leclair said. Her tone was so even that Heinrich couldn’t tell if she was joking or being dead serious.
Baumann didn’t get it. Of course he wouldn’t. Nobody in the room had known much of botany until last week.
“It will be easier to just show,” Heinrich said before Baumann could make his confusion heard. Leclair nodded at the technician and he typed a few commands into his slate. The image appeared on the screen at the far end of the meeting room.
“Is… Is that a plant? Or some kind of gasbag?” Baumann asked after several seconds of just staring.
“Yes, and no,” Dr. Leclair said. “From what we understand, that is sentient alien life.”
The image showed the plantlike alien that so so far was only known as ‘Beta Aliens. It showed a central bladder that they suspected was filled with some light gas to help with buoyancy. At the front was a mass of what they thought were eyes. They weren’t sure yet.
“It’s… disgusting,” Baumann finally said.
It wasn’t an unusual first reaction. Heinrich wasn’t sure what he had expected sentient alien life to look like, but it wasn’t this.
“Are we sure this is actually what they look like?” Baumann asked. “I mean, if I sent a picture of my cat, would the aliens think we were four legged and fluffy?”
“You make a good point, Minister, and there is the possibility that we are mistaken, but we do have supporting evidence.” Dr. Leclair stood up and walked over to the screen. “While we do not have anything near a complete understanding of their language, there are some repeating elements that seem significant to their culture. First is regarding stars as a source of nourishment.”
“Makes sense,” Baumann said. “There wouldn’t be life on Earth without the Sun.”
“That is correct, Sir, but it seems a bit more literal in this case. In fact, our linguists were confused until we made this discovery.” She motioned at the image.
“Another element is their apparent fear of fire,” Heinrich said. “It seems that their equivalent of ‘die in a fire’ is one of their strongest insults. Now, you noticed the gas bag they use to float, right? Our xenologists are working on a hypothesis that the bags are filled with methane, or possibly hydrogen. You can imagine how a creature with these… limitations… would view fire.”
Minister Baumann leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hands as he took a deep breath.
“Okay… So where does that leave us? The aliens next door, who do not want to talk to us, are freaky gasbag plants who hate fire? I’m not sure this is something we should be showing to the general public. At least not until we know for sure. I don’t want to accidentally present some alien’s pet as a sentient species.”
The Minister stood up and regarded everyone in the room. “Thank you for keeping me up to date. Please forward the files to my assistant, and I will brief the Chancellor and the Kaiser as soon as possible.”
He said his goodbyes and left them. Heinrich looked to Dr. Leclair. “What do you think?”
“It could have gone better. At least he didn’t want to go public with it at once.”
“Yeah. I’m not sure how people will react to this one.”
* * *
By 2106, any hopes of easy communications with the aliens in the Eissam system had been replaced with increasing frustration. Despite continuous work by hundreds of linguists, social scientists, statisticians and other related fields, there was precious little to show for it. The main reason was the general lack of interest by the Beta Aliens[1], who reacted with hostility to any attempt at communication.
The Stettin Conference was thus forced to employ passive measures like signal interception to build an understanding of their language. This proved difficult, with the head of the First Contact Advisory Board, Dr. Lecair, comparing it to trying to learn Chinese by eavesdropping on conversations in a Beijing coffeeshop.
There was at least not a lack of conversations to eavesdrop on. The Eissam system was a flurry of activity, with the aliens establishing several mining operations in the resource rich system. And it was clear that the aliens knew humanity was there.
In addition to blasting them with LIDAR pulses, the aliens had also stolen one of the comm buoys and presumably taken it back to a lab somewhere to be studied. While replacing the buoy was expensive[2], most of the Stettin conference was ecstatic. Not only had the buoy sent back a lot of data as the alien ship approached, it was hoped this signified an increased interest from the aliens.
It was not to be. There was no further reaction from the aliens, and no ship would ever come that close again. Indeed, analysts noticed a curious pattern in the movement of ships in the system. They would often take massive detours, sometimes extending their journeys by weeks, just to keep as far away as possible from the hyperlane to Alpha Centauri. There were countless hypotheses explaining this, ranging from simple fear of the unknown to religious customs. Given the lack of concrete data, people got creative.
By 2107, the Stettin first contact team, the KWO and the German government were at their wits’ end, and they started to consider more active measures. For years pundits and online ‘experts’ had advocated for various easy solutions to the first contact difficulties. The most popular was to simply send the Johannes von Gmunden into the Eissam system and force the aliens to react. The idea was immediately dismissed by everyone who would have to sign off on the venture, but a variation on the idea was starting to take hold.
Instead of sending the Johannes von Gmunden into the system alone, it would be escorted by the three Agatha Dorn class gunships. Alternatively, the three warships could enter the system alone and try to make contact. The plan was controversial, with comparisons made to Commodore Matthew Perry ‘opening’ Japan. While the idea had its proponents, the Raumstreitkräfte were not among them. Fears that the ageing ships would be outmatched, leaving Earth defenceless, made the plan unviable.
That led to alternative plans. The most popular one being to hack into one of the transiting ships and attempting to download as much data as possible. The plan seemed viable. Early contact attempts had tried to upload the First Contact Protocols directly to ships in the system. It had proved surprisingly easy, with one communication technician noting that “[their] network security has more holes than a Canadian history book.” The only concern was how the aliens were going to react.
Despite this, the plan was given the green light. That was when fate intervened, and the Bernhard Walther entered the Briscoll system. The jump was a standard affair, mostly done so that astronomers could have some up-close data of the pulsar in the system. Captain Julia Heinemann was thus surprised to find a massive space station orbiting the pulsar. This surprise was replaced with excitement when the station started blasting the Bernhard Walther with signals mere hours later.
It didn’t take long for the “Gamma Aliens” to start sending math equations at humanity. It was clear that the aliens had their own version of the First Contact Protocols. While establishing communications was still a daunting task, at least the other party was receptive.
The immediate effect of this was the postponement of any hacking attempts as efforts were redirected towards the station. The incident has become one of the great what-ifs of history, with significant speculation of what would have happened had the hacking been attempted. Instead, humanity would get its large dataset from a different source.
In January of 2108, an alien freighter entered the Eissam system. This in itself was nothing unusual. The ship was one of a number like it in regular traffic to and from the system. However, halfway to its destination, when it was closest to the Alpha Centauri jump point, it fired off several laser pulses at the comm buoy. Unlike the previous high powered LIDAR pulses, this was more equivalent to a tightbeam laser usually used for ship to ship communication. This not only avoided damaging the buoy, it also gave a usable signal.
Back on Earth, the signal was poured over by researchers. Excitement rose when they realised that the signal wasn’t encrypted and contained instructions for rendering images. Indeed, most of the transmission seemed to be various image files. Work immediately began on translating the image format.
It didn’t take long for the first images to render. In the years since the discovery of the Beta aliens, there had been much speculation about their appearance. Some of it had been founded in careful analysis of their ships and behaviour. Most of it, however, was fuelled by people’s imagination. Both groups were widely off the mark.
Instead of some mammalian, or even reptile, equivalent, the aliens appeared to be some sort of sentient plant, suspended in the air by a gas bladder. For propulsion, it used a couple of small wing-like protrusions and four tentacles.
In most of the images, the aliens were doing strange, repetitive acts, sometimes alone, sometimes in groups, but mostly in pairs. For weeks the first contact team poured over the images, trying to make sense of them. They had no luck until the sociologist, Dr. Spiegel, suggested what most were already thinking: they were looking at alien pornography.
The frustration was palpable. The first contact team had been working for years on establishing contact and all they had to show for it were terabytes of lewd images. Senior members of the KWO and the German government decided to suppress the findings for the time being[3].
But a few weeks later disaster struck as hundreds of the images were leaked on several MNets. The public’s reaction was one of disgust. Not only were the aliens far stranger than people had imagined, but the nature of the images didn’t exactly put them in the best light. There were protests in several cities around the world, calling on the government to “do something” about the alien “threat”.
The authorities tried to calm people’s reactions, but with limited success. The source of the leak was never discovered.
As the KWO and the Stettin conference worked on damage control, the first contact team worked on. While the images themselves were mostly of interest to sociologists and xenologists, they were still invaluable for one simple reason: most of the files contained some form of attached metadata. By comparing this with what the team already knew about the aliens they were able to make inroads into decrypting their language.
It would be almost a year and a half of hard work, but by early July of 2109 the first contact team had a workable model of the alien language. It was basic, comparable in vocabulary to a ten-year-old, but deemed sufficient to attempt contact. The KWO thus approached the German government for advice on how to address the aliens. While a majority of the Stettin conference wanted to present a united humanity to the aliens, this idea was quickly shot down when the conference’s Canadian delegation reported back home. The Canadian government was less than enthused at the idea of Germany effectively representing them and they found a lot of support. Furious negotiations followed between the great powers.
In the end it was decided that Germany would contact the aliens on behalf of humanity. If and when contact was established, they would then introduce the other nations of the world so that they could establish their own diplomatic relations. This set off another brief round of negotiations regarding the order of introductions. In the end, the Chancellery cut through the debate when they published an ordered list and told everyone that anyone who disagreed would go to the end of the list[4]. Given that the great powers were at the top of the list, most arguments were mollified. At least for the time being.
With the diplomatic details settled, the KWO went ahead with the plan. Unlike humanity, the aliens appeared to communicate between systems using fast messenger boats. These ships would regularly travel to and from the Eissam system. The plan was to wait for one of these ships to begin its journey out of the system, then transmit the message to them. This would hopefully get the message promptly relayed to whatever authority led the aliens.
The plan was executed on the 29th of July, 2109. The message was transmitted to one of the alien messenger boats and optimism was high when 30 minutes later the ship accelerated significantly. The ship left the system, and so the waiting game began.
The answer came on the 9th of August. A single ship of a hitherto unknown design entered the Eissam system. The ship, carrying obvious weapons, immediately broadcast a message to the buoy. Back in Stettin, there was tremendous excitement as news of the alien reply spread. When it was translated, it shook everyone.
To the German government, and the people of Earth.
We, the Lavis Republic, do not recognise your right to exist.
Your worlds will burn and your bodies shall fertilise the soil.
Any ship entering our systems will be considered hostile.
We are ready for you.
[1] The Alpha Aliens were the theoretical aliens present on Alpha Centauri IV. The extinct Irassians had avoided a similar designation due to the surprising ease of decrypting their language.
[2] Early communication buoys would usually run in the millions of mark. In addition came the price of getting them into position, which required a ship to deliver them. While advances in technology would reduce the unit cost, the network remained vulnerable and expensive to maintain for much of humanity’s early interstellar period.
[3] Officially this was to avoid poisoning relations with the aliens if and when they made first contact, but later historians have suggested it was due to fear of causing an embarrassment for the government and a potential loss of funding for the KWO.
[4] This proved an especially potent threat, as the last nation on the list was the hermit kingdom of Japan.
I hope you enjoy the last update of 2021. The next update will probably take a bit longer, as I need to play some more, and the laptop I'm writing this on struggles to run visual novels. So I guess I'm leaving it on a cliffhanger.
Also, I populated the galaxy with a few custom empires that were more 'lore friendly', the Lavis Republic being one of them. For some reason they always seem to spawn next to me.
Happy new year everyone.