Petius Nieblus, The First Dog in Rome

[Kurt_Steiner]

Dear Paradoxian mates and, nothwistanding, dear friends all,

This AAR is not my fault, as the idea was giving to me by the infamous Canonized, my dear Anglosaxon brether. It all began with a joke about my Ad Urbite Condita (lingua britannica)http://www.europa-universalis.com/forum/showthread.php?t=387869. After one second pause for thought and bearing in mind that Something Happened on the Way to the (Paradox) Forum, I decided to make the silliest Rome AAR possible, with plenty of jokes -you only need to take a look on the title, it speaks by itself.

So, let me tell you this right now: It is quite possible that this AAR may end being quite silly. Well, it's not possible, it's going to be nuts. You have a dog fated to rule Rome. The PoD says it all, methinks.

To avoid suffering too much, and bearing in mind the ability to make unending AARs, I'm determined to make this AAR short and to end it (even if the savegame commits suicide, as it is tradition in my AARs). It is not going to last, and it is going to have some kind of sense. Mad, but sense.

I'm going to make a fool of myself and of the Nieblii, which, if Ivpiter agrees with me (if not, get lost, you sob), I'm going to make the most well-known family of Rome (for good and worse). I'm not going to get lost in questioning was is right and what is wrong to make Peti the absolute ruler of Rome. What Petius Niebli makes is good and what Petius Niebli does not make is because he has not thought about it yet. There is no evil, just a lot of misspelling, right? I repeat misspelling, not Tori Spelling. That IS real evil, indeed.

Before I forget: I'm not going to say the old "Carthago delenda est". No. What I'm going to do will leave what remains of Carthago as if some crazy bloke had nuke it. No more, no less.

All in all:

Wofff, Caesar, those who are going be nuts salute You!​

 

[Kurt_Steiner]

March, 10th, 1989. The notorius expert in Roman history, professor Michael Palin, had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalised in the Arkram Mental Assylum. Professor Palin was by then writing a new history of Rome with the infamous professor Benny Hill, Doctor Honoris Causa by the Universities of Berlin and Kalasparra. Palin, as said, went completely nuts, according to his co-writer, due to a discovery that, according to Hill, "was going to change our concept of the history of Rome, as we had known it till then".

It seems that professor Palin left a note about his discovery where he stated:

"Benny, you great sob, stop molesting young girls and pay attention to me for once and all. Take my briefcase. You can find there all that I've written and gathered about our book. I said it to you once and I repeat it: it cannot be publish, or the whole world will give us such a beating that the battle of Cannae will look as a tea party for pansies.

You got it now, boy? Hals und Beinbruch. If possible, bruch it all. Specially your neck.

Huggies and cookies, old boy."

After reading the notes that Palin left behind, Benny Hill, as we all known, gave up his career as historian and went to the porn industry, becoming one of the most important porn stars of the world. But that's, of course, another story.



Since today we thought that Palin's book had been lost. Today we are going to show it to the world. Today our knowledge of Rome will be dramatically changed. Today we make history.

 

[Kurt_Steiner]

Thus beginneth the tale

The world is ruled by the gods and no man can serve them all. Thus the fate of every man depends on the gods he worships. However, those gods who are not choosen to be worshipped also play a role in the human existence, because, even if it is true that the gods are inmortal and eternal, they had a very strong character and, let's be sincere, when they got mad, the world trembles.

Thus was the case of the famous Trojan War. It all began with the utter failure of the first Miss contest that the world knew. It all began during the wedding of Peleus and Thetis. There a quarrel ensued between the goddesses Athena, Hera and Aphrodite, after Eris, the goddess of strife and discord, gave them a golden apple, sometimes known as the apple of Discord, marked "for the fairest". Zeus, who did not want to become the object of the rage of the two defeated goddesses, sent the apple to Paris, a Trojan prince known to be the silliest prince ever born, who judged that Aphrodite, as the "fairest", should receive it. In exchange, Aphrodite made Helen, the most beautiful of all women, to fall in love with Paris, who took her to Troy.

It goes without saying that Menelaus, Helen's husband, was quite unhappy by the elopment of his wife, that made him the object of the most vicious chitchating in all Greece. Thus, with the help of his brother Agamemnon, king of Mycenae, Menelaus led an expedition of Achaean troops to Troy and besieged the city for ten years (no need to hurry, boys!) la guerra de Troya.

During the siege of Troy the most noble and powerful family ever born was created by the sheer anger of two goddesses, Athena and Hera, who decided it was time to settle accounts with Paris. The day when the Trojan latinlover -well, Asianlover- had a duel with Menelaus, who wanted to end the doubts that Paris had with deciding his hairstyle by spliting Paris' head in two, the goddesses decided to play a bit of a trick when they saw Paris running away from the angered Greek (who, let's be fair, was playing dirty, as, in addition to his spear and sword, had two big horns to add to the fight).

Furious, the both goddesses decided to put an end to the shame. Thus Athena send a poisoned arrow with furious rage to the nilly-willy of Paris while Hera did the same but with a ligthning she had taken from his hubbie, as Zeus was quite busy those days going after some girl (or some lass, the god of gods wasn't quite particular about that issue). However, Fate play an unwilling part in that moment of history as the arrow crossed the path of the lightning and spared Paris from his well deserved punished. Out of control, the ligthning vanished behind the walls of Troy and nothing, apparently, came out of it...

But for poor prince Aeneas who, that day,was unable to join the battle because of an injury, was taking his dog for a walk. The poor dog, who was going to piss some tree, received the lightning in his most humble and rearest part of his body. Sensible and sensitive, the dog barked in pain and Aeneas could hear, as clearly as he had uttered the words himself:

-Son of a .....!

Aeneas, speechless, turned to one of his aide de camp, a Ethiopian warrior called von Shaka (what was doing in Troy a Ethiopian warrior with a German name goes beyond the scope of the present work) and said:

-The dog... is... speaking.

Von Shaka, surprised, was unable to say the words that will become the trademark of his family.

It goes too without saying that the dog, who was running up and down howling in pain, was not in the mood to begin a nice conversation here and there.

Thus the house Nieblii was born, even if Homer did not write about it. In the next chapters the whole story will rise in front of our stunned eyes.​

 

[canonized]

ROFL . I don't know which part I loved the most . The fact that the historian became a porn star or the fact that we get to see quite the EPIC reconstruction of the Illiad to explain where our most beloved Paradoxian dog (and von Shaka too XD) came from ! I'm wholly impressed by this

 

[unmerged(81979)]

IT HAS BEGUN! Epic, sir, epic I say!

 

[comagoosie]

poor peti, no dog should suffer that

 

[Kurt_Steiner]

ROFL . I don't know which part I loved the most . The fact that the historian became a porn star or the fact that we get to see quite the EPIC reconstruction of the Illiad to explain where our most beloved Paradoxian dog (and von Shaka too XD) came from ! I'm wholly impressed by this

Even Peti is surprised seeing his noble origins. Von Shaka is speechless too. He just mutters "What the... what the... what the..."

IT HAS BEGUN! Epic, sir, epic I say!

Thank you, sir! More to come! There is a long way til Tiperary!

Erm... to Rome. All the ways lead there, you know...

poor peti, no dog should suffer that

Actually, it was the greatgreatgreatgreat (many greats after...) greatgrandpa of Peti.

 

[unmerged(81979)]

Thank you, sir! More to come! There is a long way til Tiperary!

Erm... to Rome. All the ways lead there, you know...

Via Mea, aut Via Appia!

Translation: My way, or the Appian way... :rofl: Use it, it sounds funny!

 

[Olaus Petrus]

By Jove! I'm certain that this will go better than Lo Llibre dels Feyts, because now the more sensible half of your Dynamic Duo is destined to rule.

 

[Kurt_Steiner]

Via Mea, aut Via Appia!

Translation: My way, or the Appian way... :rofl: Use it, it sounds funny!

I'll keep it... My Way, sung by Peti Sinatra,,,

By Jove! I'm certain that this will go better than Lo Llibre dels Feyts, because now the more sensible half of your Dynamic Duo is destined to rule.

Yes, that's what worries me... All the statues of Zeus replaced by a huge dog of stone...

 

[robou]

Haha, struck by lightning. Latinified-Peti must be somewhat unhappy but speaking is an important step to controlling Rome. Just have to found the city now!

 

[Kurt_Steiner]

Thus continueth and endeth the beginnith of the taleth

From Troy to Rome.

The main reason behind the escape of Aeneas after the fall of Troy was not that the Achean armies were slaughtering all the living beings in Troy (they were, indeed, and it was a good reason too, as the Greeks didn't bother to make difference between Trojans and Dardanians), but the silly fact that Odysseus and his boys were after his bones due to a silly incident related with his pet. It seems that it was not Paris who killed Achiles, but the noble ancestor of the Nieblii saga.

Actually, he was not a deliberate murder, but a sad accident. Good old Achiles was doing his usual bussiness, that is, killing Trojans warriors to ennact revenge of his old buddy Patroclus and found the nameless ancestor of the Nieblii, who was searching for food, as he was hungry (barely ten minutes had went by since his last meal). It seems that, whatever the food was, Achilles got it first and the Nielbii dog came later. Achilles took it when to poor and innocent dog was going to devoure it. Thus, the poor and harmless pet, hungry, ready to eat, his big mouth fully open... Well, is it a wonder that the biggest part of Achilless body found by the Greeks was his heel?

Thus, after the fall of Troy in the hands of the Greeks due to the trick of Odysseus (had poker been invented by then, Odysseus would have made rich himself in two games, I bet), Aeneas decided to grant himself a leave and run away, as his mum, the goddess Venus, told him to do it before the Greeks used his bowels to decorate their helmets. Thus, he gathered a group, who then traveled to Italy and became progenitors of the Romans. The Aeneads included Aeneas's trumpeter Misenus, his father Anchises, his friends Achates, Sergestus and Acmon, the healer Lapyx, the steady helmsman Palinurus, and his son Ascanius (also known as Iulus, Julus, or Ascanius Julius.) He carried with him the Lares and Penates, the statues of the household gods of Troy, and transplanted them to Italy.

After some incidents (one of them, of carnal nature with the Carthaginian queen Dido), Aeneas and his fleet made landfall at Italy after many years of wanderings (ey, and they just went from Troy to Italy... who would have dared to give Aeneas three caravels and send them to find the New World...). There he meet Latinus, king of the Latins, who welcomed Aeneas's army of exiled Trojans and let them reorganize their life in Latium, even if Aeneas was more a fan of the Juventus...

Latinus had a daughter, Lavinia, who had been promised to Turnus, king of the Rutuli, but Latinus received a prophecy that Lavinia would be betrothed to one from another land — namely, Aeneas. Latinus heeded the prophecy and, with a bit of a help of the ancestor of the Niebli clan, was persuaded to give his daughter to Aeneas. It goes without saying that Turnus consequently declared war (it seems that those Trojans never learnt the lesson: never stole someone's else wife or would-be-wife, you fool!!!).

With the help of the strategic mind of his pet, Aeneas was able to prevail. Turnus was killed and his people were captured. Thus he beggethed some sons, from whom Romulus and Remus, founders of Rome, are descendants through their mother Rhea Silvia, making Aeneas progenitor of the Roman people.

After this legendary begginings, the Nieblii vanish from history until the beginning of the Petic War, which, by a mistake, is called by historians as the Pyrrhic War.​

 

[unmerged(81979)]

The Peltic War? That should be fun!

 

[Darthvegeta800]

Rofl. Original! :rofl: I'm curious how you'll tackle this one and wether you'll surpass the brilliance of that Spartan Comedy AAR.

 

[robou]

Who could have ever imagined a dog could have so much effect on history, killing a demi-god n'all!

 

[comagoosie]

Everything now makes so much sense

Those I doubt that three caravels would be sufficent for the voyage to the new world...I think it would be a bit longer than columbus's voyage

 

[unmerged(81979)]

Those I doubt that three caravels would be sufficent for the voyage to the new world...I think it would be a bit longer than columbus's voyage

Not if Thor Heyerdahl has anything to say about it!

 

[Olaus Petrus]

Story is full of good moral lessons, like any story about antiquity should be. These lessons improve moral character of the young Romans: you should never fight about food with a hungry dog and if you steal another man's woman you should have a dog who is supporting you.

 

[Kurt_Steiner]

The Peltic War? That should be fun!

Phyrrus didn't think the same.

Rofl. Original! :rofl: I'm curious how you'll tackle this one and wether you'll surpass the brilliance of that Spartan Comedy AAR.

The '300' film, you mean? I just hope to do a bit of fun for all, nothing outstanding, but a bit good.

Who could have ever imagined a dog could have so much effect on history, killing a demi-god n'all!

You shouldn't mess with an ancestor of Peti for food...

Everything now makes so much sense

Erm... does it make? Much?!?!

Not if Thor Heyerdahl has anything to say about it!

Yese, he has. He called me and began by "what the f...". Really, for a secon I thought it was von Shaka impersonating him...

Story is full of good moral lessons, like any story about antiquity should be. These lessons improve moral character of the young Romans: you should never fight about food with a hungry dog and if you steal another man's woman you should have a dog who is supporting you.

Wholly true. More lessons to come but all are summarize in one: try to have a dog clever than you.

 

[Kurt_Steiner]

Chapter I
The Petic War

The first reference that we find in a historic text about the first member of the Nieblii family is dated around the year 280 a.C. (474 ad Urbe Condita), and, it seems, he played a crucial role during the war that Rome fought against Phyrrus of Epirus. The Petic -also called Pyrrhic- War initially started as a minor conflict between Rome and the city of Tarentum over a naval treaty violation by one of the Roman consuls. Tarentum requested military aid from Epirus and Pyrrhus, willing to repeat the glory of Alexander, was ready to move. However, it could have ended in a quite different way had not fate, in the shape of a furry dog, thought differently as Gnaeus Cornelius Flutulus narrated to his cousin Publius Cornelius Rufinus:

My dear Publius Cornelius Rufinus,

I hope that his letter finds you in the better of moods, because, after reading it, you may not be quite delighted by the ne ws. As you know, I was send to Epirus to persuade king Pyrrhus not to mend in our bussiness, poetically speaking. Well, all went fine until the damned Greek had nothing better to do that to fix his attention in the wicked dog that my tata gave to my "to take care of you, when you need it, that evil creature that he called Primus Nieblus. For Ivpiter's lighthings! Who, in his witts, would have named a dog like that! And to give it to me! ,

"Having him by your side is going to make you lucky". Lucky, the bastard said. And he calls the dog as if he were a humand being. What the zuck! Darn, I have to stop my affair with the German slave... Erm, as I was saying...

As soon as Pyrrhus saw the dog, he had nothing better to do but to say:

-What's that? A furry elephant!!!

His laughter was stopped in his tracks when the hellish creature of Primus bit Phyrrus in his... well... his balls, cousin. Well, the dog did not kill him, but it was a close issue, trust me. Do not put your balls near Primus's mouth, cousing. Keep them safe!

To make it short. We are at war with Epirus because of a fat and silly dog. There I sent Primus to you. Make the better use of him, as food for your soldiers or as it pleases you. I don't want to cross my path with that evil damnation ever again!

It must be said that the situation of Rome was quite good, but not too much. To the needs that going to war causes, to all the dissent that sending your sons to die make rise, there were rumours about the loyalty of two governors. This can bee seen, as well as the first intervention of Primus Nieblii as an "unofficial adviser", in a eltetr written by Publius Cornelius Rufinus to his father.

(...) then, when I turn myself, there I found the danmed dog reading my notes!!!! And not only that. He turned to me and told mee:

-Man, these people mean bussiness...

And he added.

-By the way... have you considered doing something about those disloyal folks? Good old Kurty would have got ridden of them by using a window... Do you have any available?

Tata... Shall I go on to war with that beast in my bag?

PD: Is it true that my cousin Frolentius has received the command of one of the new cohorts? And what the genitalia is a Kurty?

We don't know if the so called Frolentius ended commanding one of the two cohorts that were being recruited at Etruria (plus 1 of archers in Lucania), but it seems that Primus Nieblii went, indeed, to war with the Legions.

There is no clue about what the heck is a Kurty.​