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OMG, the security breach bit was hilarious! As was the opening cabinet meeting.
Also: I think I'm going to have to re-read this...is it just me or does every character call Erik by a different title?
Great start...I claim out-of-town-ness as my excuse for coming late to the party!
Also: I think I'm going to have to re-read this...is it just me or does every character call Erik by a different title?
Great start...I claim out-of-town-ness as my excuse for coming late to the party!
A very amusing read, and a good addition to the proud CrusadAAR Kings-tradition of comedic AAR:s! I'm on.
Yeah, Erik is as scatterbrained as I am.
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Since I also forgot a title page, the post I have complaining about messing up the title will be later edited into a title page/table of contents. Or I'll just move the text from the first post to that one and change the first post to a title page. We'll see. Now, it's time for an update.
Edit: Had to make it a double update. Friggan 32 image limit.
Back in my day, we had ten and we liked it!
In seriousness, that has changed the way I read AARs. If I have to go through a dozen or more pictures per update, my brain melts out my ears and I turn into a toad.
Hi everyone!. Time for some feedback. Then, an update!
Yes, Tolir is probably one of my better characters. It truly will be a shame when he dies.
Indeed, so you can only imagine Duke Erik's alarm!
...I'm sorry, I'm unfamiliar with the term D.O.R.C... But I'll agree with you nonetheless.
Indeed, but Hälsingland and Meddlepad are Christian. But after that, it's pagans all the way...
That line was off the cuff and unintended to be funny. It's odd how things work out sometimes.
Welcome aboard, then! Although it is a bit odd to have the guy I'm totally ripping off following my parody of his own work... almost like some weird sort of paradox or something. Also, everyone refers to Erik by his proper ducal title, "your grace," except for Tolir who comes up with a new one each time. I must say, I'm starting to run out, and it's becoming worrisome.
Welcome aboard, then!
If that was still the case, I'd probably be ripping you off instead of Alfred Packer.
Anyways, on to the update!
Heh, I like Tolir. And not just because he's managed to invent the high-five 900 years before Glenn Burke. (Not that Glenn would be interested in that particular use of Prima Noctae…
Keep up the good work!
Yes, Tolir is probably one of my better characters. It truly will be a shame when he dies.
Indeed, so you can only imagine Duke Erik's alarm!
...I'm sorry, I'm unfamiliar with the term D.O.R.C... But I'll agree with you nonetheless.
Business comes always first.
Then war. But pagans are surely fun conquests.
Indeed, but Hälsingland and Meddlepad are Christian. But after that, it's pagans all the way...
That line was off the cuff and unintended to be funny. It's odd how things work out sometimes.
Welcome aboard, then! Although it is a bit odd to have the guy I'm totally ripping off following my parody of his own work... almost like some weird sort of paradox or something. Also, everyone refers to Erik by his proper ducal title, "your grace," except for Tolir who comes up with a new one each time. I must say, I'm starting to run out, and it's becoming worrisome.
Welcome aboard, then!
If that was still the case, I'd probably be ripping you off instead of Alfred Packer.
Anyways, on to the update!
There and Never Back Again: Escape From Sweden
A blatant Alfred Packer ripoff
Brief Reprieve
Uppland, Sweden September 7, 1068
"...So I guess that's it for the day, unless anyone has anything else?"
"Wait, your Majesty!
The war's over! We won! We brought back the lords of Hälsingland, Meddlepad, and Ångermanland to surreder!
Bring the defeated in, Ake! And make sure they kneel before the Most Reverend Duke Erik!
(Ake just sighs as he leads in three more men)
"All right, everyone. Introduce yourselves so we can get these negotiations started.
"I am Kolbjörn of Medelpad, count of, er, Medelpad.
Let me just say that I will not kneel before your Grace, nor anyone else who is not man enough to fight me himself.
Instead I will demand that you let me go, and pay for the damages your army has..."
"Gustav, kill this man"
"Aye, your grace. Guards!"
"What, you can't seriously mean...
Hey wait, unhand me! Where are you taking me?!
What, No! You ca-"
"Anyone else object to surrendering to me?"
"Er, I was just about to say that I, Björn av Hälsingland, count of, well, Hälsingland, officially surrender all my land and titles unto you.
I'm going to retire to do something safer, like hunt bears as a peasant."
"Good to hear that someone in this room has some sense.
What about you?"
"Er, ah, yes. Ahem.
I am Chief Thord of Ångermanland. You can have it. Really.
I'm gonna go move to Finland or something now, just so I never have to run into you Christians again."
"Whatever, as long as I have your lands.
Well, Ake, Tolir, you both did a great job. Now, let's take a look at my new lands."
Tolir unrolls a map
"As you can see, the lands you asked us to take for you are now yours. Except, well...
I was wondering..."
"Yes?"
"Can I have one of the new provinces?
I fought really hard, and most of the pretty lasses in my own lands got married while I was away.
Please, your Exaltedness?"
"Oh very well, you may have Hälsingland, I guess.
Anyway, we need to start planning phase 2 of the operation, in which we invade Lappland and Västerbotten.
And by plan, I mean go do it while the army is still mobilized..."
"Now this sounds relevant to my interests.
Tell me, Erik. Will you be joining us this time?"
"Why, hello, your majesty! What an unexpected surprise!
Yes, of course I'll go on campaign with you!
(Erik muttered the next under his breath)
Even if it will be just to see if I can make something unfortunate happen..."
"Ah, excellent! Then we will set out at once!"
Well, that's how I felt when I saw phargle's first comment in the CK part of the Crovan Clan.
truth is though, I think this is a highly original work and terribly funny to boot, so please keep it up.
For Tolir - what if you just make up new titles? "Your Luxuriousness" sounds somewhat uncomfortable!
Your slothness would be more befitting.Well, that's how I felt when I saw phargle's first comment in the CK part of the Crovan Clan.
truth is though, I think this is a highly original work and terribly funny to boot, so please keep it up.
For Tolir - what if you just make up new titles? "Your Luxuriousness" sounds somewhat uncomfortable!
Or maybe Brave Sir Erik?
This should be interesting. So far, the vibe I'm getting is more of a sane man (Erik) struggling manfully with the tides of stupidity set against him (in the shape of Tolir and the King, in particular), rather than the all-out inbred stupidity that is the hallmark of the various Crovan dynasties.
Of course, there's no guarantee that my favorable impression of Erik will stay that way very long. And even if Erik ends up living a decent life, there's no guarantee that his successors will do the same. But before we get to that... I think Erik has some more 'business' to attend to with his wife (who, I notice, is a Knytling - the man might be sowing the seeds of his family's destruction there).
Good luck with your story!
Of course, there's no guarantee that my favorable impression of Erik will stay that way very long. And even if Erik ends up living a decent life, there's no guarantee that his successors will do the same. But before we get to that... I think Erik has some more 'business' to attend to with his wife (who, I notice, is a Knytling - the man might be sowing the seeds of his family's destruction there).
Good luck with your story!
Hello, everybody! Sorry for the lack of updates recently, but I'm in the middle of midterms right now, so today's update will be a bit short.
You know what, you may be on to something here. I'll have to look into it.
Thanks. Also, yeah I'm probably gonna start making up titles, just to keep the joke going as long as possible.
Well, conquering Finland was going to be part of my general strategy (hence the subtitle "Escape from Sweden"). And as for becoming Finnish... Time will only tell.
Maybe.
Welcome aboard.
Yes indeed. In fact, today's update is about just how much I "love" kings.
While raping and pillaging is always good fun, I'm not too sure about burning the territory that I'll want to keep...
Well, if you recall, the first Crovans weren't that inept either...
Indeed.
Now for the update!
You know what, you may be on to something here. I'll have to look into it.
Well, that's how I felt when I saw phargle's first comment in the CK part of the Crovan Clan.
truth is though, I think this is a highly original work and terribly funny to boot, so please keep it up.
For Tolir - what if you just make up new titles? "Your Luxuriousness" sounds somewhat uncomfortable!
Thanks.
Also, yeah I'm probably gonna start making up titles, just to keep the joke going as long as possible.Well, conquering Finland was going to be part of my general strategy (hence the subtitle "Escape from Sweden"). And as for becoming Finnish... Time will only tell.
Maybe.
I just read this and... bookmarked it
Will be following.
Welcome aboard.
Don't you just love kings
Yes indeed. In fact, today's update is about just how much I "love" kings.
Burn FINLAND!!!!!! :rofl:
While raping and pillaging is always good fun, I'm not too sure about burning the territory that I'll want to keep...
This should be interesting. So far, the vibe I'm getting is more of a sane man (Erik) struggling manfully with the tides of stupidity set against him (in the shape of Tolir and the King, in particular), rather than the all-out inbred stupidity that is the hallmark of the various Crovan dynasties.
Of course, there's no guarantee that my favorable impression of Erik will stay that way very long. And even if Erik ends up living a decent life, there's no guarantee that his successors will do the same. But before we get to that... I think Erik has some more 'business' to attend to with his wife (who, I notice, is a Knytling - the man might be sowing the seeds of his family's destruction there).
Good luck with your story!
Well, if you recall, the first Crovans weren't that inept either...
'Your Wittyness' comes to mind...
Indeed.
Now for the update!
There and Never Back Again: Escape From Sweden
A blatant Alfred Packer ripoff
The war goes on
Västerbotten, Sweden March 12, 1069
"With Lappland under my control, Västerbotten is all that is left."
"What will you do then, your Greatness?"
"Hm? Oh, I suppose I'll start working on infrastructure in my realm, maybe conquer Åland.
I'll need the economic base to pay for an army large enough to overthrow our king.
I'll be needing a new marshal, too. Poor Ake."
A commotion can be heard from outside the tent. The Swedish king enters.
"Good news everybody!
The war's over! We won!"
"But your Highness, the siege isn't even over yet."
"Doesn't matter. The chief of Västerbotten just surrendered to me personally!
Pack your things, boys! We're going home!"
"...I see...
And just what did we get out of this victory?"
"Why, all the gold in the treasury of Västerbotten, of course!"
The king proudly opens his left hand, revealing three gold coins.
Erik's face tuns red. He speaks through clenched teeth.
"You mean to tell me, your Highness, that you lifted the siege and signed peace with these barbarians for such a measly sum?
It cost us more than that just to bring our armies here!"
"Yeah, mobilizing the troops was expensive. That's why I took the gold.
It doesn't seem like much, but it helps pay off the debt.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to return to my court."
The king leaves the war room/tent.
"Wow. Tough break, your Tenacity.
So what do we do now?"
Erik continues to glower towards the tent flap that his king left through.
"If only the spear that ran Ake through had been marked for him, instead."
(Turning his attention to Tolir)
"What do you mean what now? We declare war again!"
"Wait, you mean break the truce?"
"We have no choice. I want this land. I need this land.
If I am ever to rise above that imbecile of a king, I will need a power base."
"If you say so, your Glory."
I was waiting, wondering when that would happen. It is far too common with that king to conquer half a pagans land and then lose it because he is so stupid.