Washington DC, USA - Dec. 12 1921
"The deliberations of the Conference on the limitations on armament, ongoing since November 12, have lately taken on a strange turn. In addition to the delegates of United States of America, the British Empire, France, Italy, and Japan, representatives have been summoned from over 70 countries and dominions. No explanation to this expansion has been given; in fact, the reporting media have not been able to receive any sort of comment or interview with any of the delegates. Interviews with the staff manning the conference grounds confirm that large quantities of foodstuffs and various drinks are being brought to the delegates at all hours of the day and even night."
-Kirke L. Simpson, HNN
Washington DC, USA - Feb. 13 1922
Elihu Root staggered out of the massive door, eyes squinting against the sun. He looked exactly like a man that had been locked up in a conference for two months. He was carrying a piece of cloth that looked suspiciously like a napkin, except it had been scribbled all over. As Root reached the journalists, they were just waking up from their weeks of boredom. No warning had been given that an announcement was to be made, and the journalists had been eating, napping and playing cards. Root stood amidst the chaotic struggle for position, gently swaying. He tried to straighten his tie, not noticing it was hanging from his back pocket. Root then began addressing the assembled crowd, all the while staring glassy-eyed into the distance.
Elihu Root. Picture from here
"Desiring to contribute to the maintenance of the general peace, and to reduce the burdens of competition in armament, we, the nations here forth described as 'playable', have resolved, with a view to accomplishing these purposes, to conclude a treaty to limit..." Root's voice faltered and went into an incomprehensible slur. He swayed some more, turned the napkin in his hand, and continued haltingly.
"We have resolved to limit, for the benefit of all, the size of all armies to exactly zero. Not one, not minus one. Zero shall be the number. This will include all paramilitary forces, navies, and zeppelin forces; generally everything there is a military symbol for.
All armies will be disbanded and their weapons beaten with ploughshares...to ploughshares.
Moreover, all research into military technology and organization or warfare in general shall be forbidden. This also includes research with potential military applications, such as ships or aircraft.
We are specifically forbidding research into the nature of the atom, because the innocuous atom harbours in itself the evil RADIATION.
We are also forbidding research into industrial technologies, because that only leads to globalization. And globalization is bad because that way lies cheap cars and crummy tee shirts.
Also on the no-no list is research into rockets and other reactive drives. If god had meant man to fly with a reaction drive, he would have given us sturdier digestive tracts.
We are also forbidding research into electronics and electrical devices, not because of their possible use in warfare, but because in the future they might lead to great atrocities against mankind, such as MTV and Microsoft.
The signatories recognize that this still leaves a sizable technological gap between scientific-industrial giants, such as the United States, and messed-up backwaters, such as Great Britain. To rectify this, sufficient quantities of alcohol and other substances of suitable nature shall be provided to any and all scientists so that they may forget everything that has been learned during the last ten years or so. This will have the fortunate side effect of rendering military technology so outdated, that no one will dare to employ it for fear of looking silly."
Root turned the napkin once again, cleared his throat, and continued.
"The present Treaty shall be ratified by the Contracting Powers in accordance with their respective constitutional methods yadda yadda yadda..." Root trailed off, then picked himself up and resumed:
"The present Treaty, of which the French and English texts are both authentic, shall remain deposited in the archives of the Government of the United States, and duly certified copies thereof shall be transmitted by that Government to the other Contracting Powers.
IN FAITH WHEREOF the above-named ple...penny...poni...plenipotentiaries have signed the present Treaty.
DONE at the City of Washington the thirteenth day of February, One Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty-Two."
Root paused and produced from his pocket something that bore a strong resemblance to feminine undergarments. He waved the piece in the air.
"Folks, everybody signed it. I'd read them to you but the list is long and some names sound silly."
At this, Root turned to go. Then he stopped, as if remembering something. He turned back and swayed some more. Mumbling, he began: "There was something about 'peace' and 'our time'... oh yeah!"
Root waved the 'documents' above his head. "This is my second peace prize in our time!"
"The deliberations of the Conference on the limitations on armament, ongoing since November 12, have lately taken on a strange turn. In addition to the delegates of United States of America, the British Empire, France, Italy, and Japan, representatives have been summoned from over 70 countries and dominions. No explanation to this expansion has been given; in fact, the reporting media have not been able to receive any sort of comment or interview with any of the delegates. Interviews with the staff manning the conference grounds confirm that large quantities of foodstuffs and various drinks are being brought to the delegates at all hours of the day and even night."
-Kirke L. Simpson, HNN
Washington DC, USA - Feb. 13 1922
Elihu Root staggered out of the massive door, eyes squinting against the sun. He looked exactly like a man that had been locked up in a conference for two months. He was carrying a piece of cloth that looked suspiciously like a napkin, except it had been scribbled all over. As Root reached the journalists, they were just waking up from their weeks of boredom. No warning had been given that an announcement was to be made, and the journalists had been eating, napping and playing cards. Root stood amidst the chaotic struggle for position, gently swaying. He tried to straighten his tie, not noticing it was hanging from his back pocket. Root then began addressing the assembled crowd, all the while staring glassy-eyed into the distance.
Elihu Root. Picture from here
"Desiring to contribute to the maintenance of the general peace, and to reduce the burdens of competition in armament, we, the nations here forth described as 'playable', have resolved, with a view to accomplishing these purposes, to conclude a treaty to limit..." Root's voice faltered and went into an incomprehensible slur. He swayed some more, turned the napkin in his hand, and continued haltingly.
"We have resolved to limit, for the benefit of all, the size of all armies to exactly zero. Not one, not minus one. Zero shall be the number. This will include all paramilitary forces, navies, and zeppelin forces; generally everything there is a military symbol for.
All armies will be disbanded and their weapons beaten with ploughshares...to ploughshares.
Moreover, all research into military technology and organization or warfare in general shall be forbidden. This also includes research with potential military applications, such as ships or aircraft.
We are specifically forbidding research into the nature of the atom, because the innocuous atom harbours in itself the evil RADIATION.
We are also forbidding research into industrial technologies, because that only leads to globalization. And globalization is bad because that way lies cheap cars and crummy tee shirts.
Also on the no-no list is research into rockets and other reactive drives. If god had meant man to fly with a reaction drive, he would have given us sturdier digestive tracts.
We are also forbidding research into electronics and electrical devices, not because of their possible use in warfare, but because in the future they might lead to great atrocities against mankind, such as MTV and Microsoft.
The signatories recognize that this still leaves a sizable technological gap between scientific-industrial giants, such as the United States, and messed-up backwaters, such as Great Britain. To rectify this, sufficient quantities of alcohol and other substances of suitable nature shall be provided to any and all scientists so that they may forget everything that has been learned during the last ten years or so. This will have the fortunate side effect of rendering military technology so outdated, that no one will dare to employ it for fear of looking silly."
Root turned the napkin once again, cleared his throat, and continued.
"The present Treaty shall be ratified by the Contracting Powers in accordance with their respective constitutional methods yadda yadda yadda..." Root trailed off, then picked himself up and resumed:
"The present Treaty, of which the French and English texts are both authentic, shall remain deposited in the archives of the Government of the United States, and duly certified copies thereof shall be transmitted by that Government to the other Contracting Powers.
IN FAITH WHEREOF the above-named ple...penny...poni...plenipotentiaries have signed the present Treaty.
DONE at the City of Washington the thirteenth day of February, One Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty-Two."
Root paused and produced from his pocket something that bore a strong resemblance to feminine undergarments. He waved the piece in the air.
"Folks, everybody signed it. I'd read them to you but the list is long and some names sound silly."
At this, Root turned to go. Then he stopped, as if remembering something. He turned back and swayed some more. Mumbling, he began: "There was something about 'peace' and 'our time'... oh yeah!"
Root waved the 'documents' above his head. "This is my second peace prize in our time!"
