Harik the Lost - the last King of Denmark

[TheArchMede]

"Good evening ladies, gentlemen, professors and distinguished guests. Welcome to the latest seminar organised by the DepAARtment of Medieval History at the University of KopnhAARvn. While I am sure that the research community is fully conversant with the historical background to Harik, it is unfortunately necessary to say something by way of introduction for the benefit of those undergraduates present. The modern school curriculum tends to gloss over the less glorious times between the empire of Cnut and Charles V, who gave Denmark independence from the HRE in order to prevent the election of a protestant emperor as his sucessor.

"I do not wish to steal the thunder of the distinguished academics who will be presenting their papers shortly so I will not enter into the controversy over Harik's origins, but merely remind you how, early in the twelth century, Harik was inspired by the crusading zeal of the age to gather all the armies of Denmark and set out to convert the pagans of the Baltic coast. And how none of them returned from the wilds of Lithuania. And how the defenceless homelands of Denmark were overrun by Lithuanian pagans. I will not bore you with the details of the reconversion in which Denmark was partitioned by Sweden and Germany. Suffice it to say that Lithuanian dialects were still being spoken in the remoter villages of Skane within living memory.

"So, without further ado, I call on our first speaker: Dr Sygtryg Ui Niall, who will propose that Harik's character was formed by two obscure Irish counts who were actually the same person.

 

[tombom]

I have a strange feeling I know who you're talking about there :rofl: . Good luck!

 

[TheArchMede]

"Dr Sygtryg Ui Niall is an American citizen of mixed Irish and Danish descent. His interest in Irish history was sparked by a desire to settle a long running quarrel between his parents over whether Celts or Vikings were better fighters. His background makes him uniquely able to produce a synthesis from disparate material in the Irish chronicles and the Viking sagas. I quoted from the blurb of my latest book, "Yellow and Gold: colourful tales of millenium Ireland" published by pAARgaming Press.

"Signed copies are available for a few gold pieces extra", a slightly hesitant round of applause greets Sygtrygg's opening pitch as he switches from an American to an Irish accent, "Its the way I sell 'em.

"The Danes in the audience will be familiar with Sigtrygg's Saga, a tale of how an impoverished count became King of Denmark by the alternate application of trickery and violence. Scholars had believed this to be a thirteenth century construction, written in a deliberately archaic format, and intended to inspire a future Sigtrygg to throw off the German yoke, rather than recounting the actual exploits of a historical Sigtrygg. However, in my researches in the chronicles of eleventh century monasteries in Ireland, I came across mentions of another Sigtrygg and realised that much of Sigtrygg's saga must have been taken from an earlier tale which I have dubbed Sigtrygg the Golden. The character in the chronicles is portrayed in a cowardly manner, so I have dubbed that version Sigtrygg the Yellow.

"I shall now present my translations of these sources interleaved to demonstrate that they actually refer to the same person, although seen from opposite angles. The location is in the west of Ireland, across the sea to the East are the opposite saxons." audience groans "Its the way I tell 'em."

Sigtrygg the Golden
Sigtrygg’s family managed to retain a little poor land by swearing fealty to one of the petty kings of Ireland. Sigtrygg was determined to end his family’s humiliation and become a King in Ireland. Not the King of Ireland, but the King of Denmark. This would require land, of which he had almost none. He could conquer some: this would require troops, of which he had almost none. He could recruit troops: this would require gold, of which he had almost none. Sigtrygg had big ambitions but little resources except an inexhaustible supply of cunning plans.

The autumn of 1066 was an unlucky time for Kings in England. The King of Norway died at Stamford Bridge, and the King of England didn’t survive him by long. Amongst those blessed by visions in these troubled times was Sigtrygg, who received an angelic vision of the lost gold mines of the ancient Irish High Kings. The Norman Conquest led to Saxons seeking a healthier place to live. Many of them, hearing of Sigtrygg’s vision, came to search for gold in the hills of Tir Connaill. The years passed and the miners went chasing other rainbows, until a prospector, crazed by years of solitary searching in the wild hills of western Ulster, came running into town crying, “Stone, I have found endless supplies of stone in the hills”.

The steward of Sigtrygg was much impressed and he proposed that Sigtrygg invest in a kiln to fire the stone and make tiles of it to multiply the income of the province. Introducing the factory style of working would put Sigtrygg’s mode of production centuries ahead of its time and the spin-off benefits would allow new buildings to be built even faster. This displeased his liege who could calculate that 4% of almost nothing was less than almost nothing, but the addition of a gold mine would definitely be something. So ... Sigtrygg’s sacked steward searched stony streams seeking silver; surprisingly soon, sombre stares segued to stunned silence … there WAS gold in them there hills.

 

[tombom]

I like it.

 

[TheArchMede]

“The second source I have used is Irish monastic chronicles. Originally they were very terse entries made in the margins of tables of the dates of Easter. By the eleventh century some more extended accounts can be found. It is fortunate that one monk in particular seems to have had an intense dislike of Sigtrygg, and so to have written rather more about him than is usual. The tale from this source I have titled Sigtrygg the Yellow, due to the monk’s emphasis on the cowardice of Sigtrygg. The phrases in brackets appear to have been added at a later date. Presumably it was not safe to refer to Pope Bogomil as a heretic in his own lifetime.

Sigtrygg the Yellow
“In the time that the blessed Anselm was Pope, Sigtrygg married his son to the daughter of Culad for the THIRD time.

“In the time that (the vile heretic) Bogomil was Pope, Sigtrygg the traitor attacked his fellow vassal and didst most piteously slay the army of Culad that sought to put down this foul treachery. Those most loyal servants of God and their King Culad, were naught but food for the crows, for they fought naked as tradition demanded to display their valour and the monstrous hordes of Sigtrygg were plated in armour to hide their shame. And so the martyred souls found glory in the bosom of Christ while the demons of Sigtrygg were permitted to to have their worthless power in this world in exchange for an eternity of torment.

“In the time that (the vile heretic) Bogomil was Pope, Sigtrygg proclaimed himself King of Ulster and sought to usurp the place of his rightful lord by force. Even though he had two armies to the one of Culad, in his cowardice he called in many ships of Vikings to place between his worthless hide and the just sword of Culad. And so it was that God took Saint Culad to his just reward in Heaven and Sigtrygg was left with naught but the treasures of this earth.

“After the death of the vile heretic Bogomil, the prayers of the bereaved widows were heard and Sigtrygg took to his sickbed and rose no more but lingered for many years with a foul and most painful disease which was but a foretaste of his fate after death and a warning to others of the fate that will befall all that fail to do their duty to God and their Lord.