Poetry is never appropriate.
There is such a thing as a good poet, or at least an author who can write good poems but doesn't very often...
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It is a solid start to a poem, but unless you are channelling Aram Saroyan you will need more words than that.
Of course if you are channelling Aram Saroyan then please stop. One of him was already one too many.
- 1
This one I call the Poet's Lament.
Boo, boo, boo, boo
Boo, boo, boo!
Boo, boo, boo, boo,
Boo, boo, boo!
I think I heard that one set to the tune of "Twinkle twinkle little star" once.
Oh, but that's clearly a completely different poem. Admittedly with some similarities, but less than 75% of them.
Chapter 20: Fuck it, I guess we ARE marching into Russia...(or, 'Operation FIILLWAGIR')
Chapter 20: Fuck it, I guess we ARE marching into Russia…
In the deep dark lair, of the Nazi Party…
“My god,” Hitler said, catching his reflection in a shiny surface. “I look beautiful.”
“Mein Fuhrer! I come bearing news from the Great Russian War of Soviet Aggression.”
“I wonder if I should grow my hair out a little more,” the dictator mused to himself. “I always wondered what I’d look like with a neck beard.”
“Um…excuse me?” the flunky said, swiftly returning to a stiff ‘Roman’ salute when Hitler turned round, “Mein Fuhrer! News from the front!”
“Aha! Excellent, excellent. Goebbels?”
“Yes Adolf?” a naked fat man in a towel said, wobbling into frame. “I was just about to grease my engine, if you know what I mean.”
“Assemble the High Nazi Cabinet! We have war news.”
“Ah…” the other man said, “that may be somewhat problematic, given that everyone in the military high command is either dead or already in Russia. Or in Paris, playing darts with the Italians.”
“I swear I promoted Himmler to Field Marshal. He’ll do,” ranted Hitler, quite racistly.
“You called sir?” Himmler said, shoving his latest Hitler Murder Scheme out of sight.
“Yes, we have war news, don’t we Goebbels?”
“So I have been led to believe, Adolf.”
“Right,” the young officer said, still present in the midst of this…scene. “I’ll just…leave these here and go…off some undesirables.”
“You do that,” Hitler said cheerfully. “Right then lads, what’s the score?”
Himmler picked up the various letters and missives. “Hmm. Well…I have some good news and some bad news. And some strange news.”
“Start with the good, I always say.”
“Indeed Adolf, you are well known for your bubbly optimism and spunk.”
“Mmm,” Himmler said, “well, in good news, we have successfully murdered a million Red Army men on the eastern front. As well as…um…assorted others. Basically, our war goals of ensuring the entire population of the world situated to the right of Germany is expunged is going swimmingly.”
“Oh, that’s lovely. I was rather worried we were biting off more than we could chew, but we all pulled together and by jingo, we’re getting the job done.”
Himmler turned the page. “The bad news is that we’ve managed such massive casualties against the Red Army because Stalin is deploying mass human wave tactics against our positions. We have killed many, but have advanced relatively little.”
Hitler and Goebbels seemed rather put out. “Well, I suppose one cannot have everything go one’s way,” Hitler said.
The other two looked at him with dull surprise.
“I mean, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. SHOOT THE BASTARD RUNNING THIS OFFESIVE AND TAKE DIRECT COMMAND HIMMLER!”
The two other Nazis nodded, as the natural order was restored.
“At once sir.”
“What about the strange news?” Goebbels said, remembering something, surprisingly.
“Ah yes. It seems our humongous manpower shortages have been temporally alleviated by the scraping the barrel measure. The odd news is that this also seems to have cured all our resource problems. We now have another three years’ worth of fuel, no debt and our factories are somehow working at full capacity.”
“Huh,” Hitler said, “that does sound rather strange. What do the Fun Gestapo make of it?”
“Given that literally every man over the age of 14 is now on the Eastern Front, they are rather muted at this distance.”
“Mmm. I’m sure it’s no worry. After all, Russia is sure to collapse soon, and then the whole of their massive empire will be mine.”
“Of course, sir. I’ll be going now. Try not to eat too much glue while I’m away.”
…
Meanwhile, in the tastefully decorated and sunny terrace of Café Competence…
“Persia is being a bit…ambitious, is it not?”
Alan was dozing in his chair so Bean-Counter answered, “Yes, but you can hardly blame them. We are using their troops and leaning on them a lot to keep our own men barely supplied. They’re only claiming most of the land captured thus far. Not like we’re going to let them keep it.”
“You think they’ll be happy to let it go?”
“I think they’ll be happy to not be fighting on the Steppe any more. Horrible front, that one. Though important. It’ll probably be our road into China one day.”
“Ah yes,” the former King of Italy said, stirring a fresh cup of coffee. “And how goes our new ally Japan. Figured out that it isn’t 1918 yet?”
“Not yet, but there’s always hope. At least our other two fronts are now combined into one. We are well-placed now to sit out this ridiculous war between Nazi and Soviet, and enjoy even more oil in the bargain!”
The two men enjoyed their drinks and bathed in the sunshine for another fifteen minutes before this picture of simplicity and lethargy was spoiled. The King watched as all the blood drained from Bean-Counter’s face as the aide kept talking and talking.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
The King sighed. “Was it the Emperor, or one of his idiot commanders?”
“Neither. It was one lunatic division commander on a quest from God to free Stalingrad from the Red Menace.”
“Jesus Christ. There goes our quiet war.”
“The annoying thing is, he seems to have gotten away with it.”
“WHAT?!”
…
24th February 1941
The Imperial Throne Room was empty of people, for they were all in the Imperial Map Room looking at gigantic blown-up pictures of Stalingrad.
“In many ways, it was the perfect surprise attack. Because no one on either side knew it was going to happen.” General Catastrophe noted tiredly, pulled as he had been from the front down to Rome to explain himself.
“How the hell did he manage to sneak past the Red Army, across a large river and into the city with a few tanks and no support staff?” one of the onlookers shouted.
“What is the Soviet response?” the Emperor said.
“They’ve been totally caught off guard. Their airfields around the city are still, as you can see, fully stocked and operational. There are guard units nearby that seem to not even be aware of what has gone on. On the whole, I would say the entire Soviet Union is stunned that this has happened.”
“I can sympathise,” Bean-Counter said, rubbing at his head. “So…where do we go from here?”
“There’s only one thing we can do,” General Catastrophe said, leaning forward and catching the room’s attention. “Stalin is going to move everything he has from the German Front to get this city back. We’re the bigger threat to him now, and he knows it. We are poised to cut the escape routes across the Urals. We have control of the oilfields and grain supplies. Gentlemen…we have to launch a mass offensive north across the entire European Front before the Red Army turns around. We have to end this war fast, and damn the risks.”
“You don’t mean…” Alan said faintly.
“I do,” Catastrophe said grimly. “Sire, it is time for Operation Fuck It, It Looks Like We ARE Going Into Russia.”
“Mm…” the Emperor replied, “Operation F.I.I.L.L.W.A.G.I.R…my most cunning and daring plan yet…can the army pull it off?”
“We think so, yes. Especially because we apparently have a suicidally confident tank commander willing to drive alone into enemy territory.”
“Very well then. Gentlemen, behold,” Augustus Cheesolini gestured and a huge projection appeared on the wall. “We are going to Moscow.”
…
Operation FIILLWAGIR: TOP SECRET
“Alright chaps, listen up! This is the air-tight and masterminded plan of the Emperor himself! Naturally, this means it is so advanced it takes into account such literary devices as tempting fate and planning montages. But there is no God alive that has yet to damn explaining montages!”
26th February 1941
Stage 1: We start by clearing up the remnants of Soviet forces caught up behind our advanced lines. This will protect our backs, and fool the Russians into thinking we are consolidating our position rather than moving forwards.
1st March 1941
Stage 2: We continue to hold the line in the western steppe, fooling the Russians into thinking we are focused on the eastern advance. We are not. The armies will be repositioned under cover of raiding attacks on the Russian lines to heavily favour the west. This is so they can swing round the north of the Caspian Sea and meet up with us in the main European Line.
11th March 1941
Stage 3: We correctly anticipate the Russian counter attack for Stalingrad shall come from the east, and encircled and entrap the relief force, cutting them off and taking them all prisoner. We will then burst through the river and catch the other units racing towards the city off-guard (they will be in transit and have debuffs-I mean-will be out of position and unexpecting of attack).
13th March 1941
Stage 4: We begin the drive around the Caspian Sea from both east and west, making it look as though we then intend to join our fronts and drive northwards, towards the Urals. This will no doubt panic the Soviets immensely, especially Stalin who will feel entrapped and insecure.
22th March 1941
Stage 5: Having finally created a united front across our entire battle line, the Operation truly begins. All units will begin a gigantic and heroic push northward. The Soviets will not know what hit them. No more slow gains and short stops. We are playing for keeps now.
24th March 1941
Stage 6: Having found the required over-confident zealot tank commander, we will use him to thrust deep to the east of Moscow, so he won’t be crowded out by German/Soviet forces. There are three airfields in between our front lines and the city, and he will bypass the first two before taking out the closest to the city itself. A second tank division shall follow five provinces back to ensure they don’t get cut off by the Red Army’s cavalry squads. A third tank division will take out the closest airfield to us, completing the move and stripping the Russians of any aircover beyond long-range bombers. Our other tanks, massed on that area of the lines, shall follow through when this occurs. The Russians will no doubt be expecting us to target the airfields themselves, rather than driving straight to Moscow from so far away. Surprise is our ally here.
28th March 1941
Stage 7: Having crossed the river and entered the danger zone, Colonel Kaboom or whatever his name is will take the airfield outside of Moscow before taking the city itself. The city garrison is light due to the distance from both our and the German front lines, but it is possible they will attack before we reach our target. It does not really matter if they do this however because…
Stage 8: The entire panzer army will now be hot on their heels and smashing through the safe lanes we’ve already laid for them. Caught between our huge leap forward and the Germans dogged attack from the west, the Red Army will be lost and confused.
Stage 9: The other fronts will continue their advances, but mostly as distraction. Any holes in the Soviet lines will be punished and exploited however, and the territory to the east of Stalingrad should be our secondary focus. We want, if it all possible, to ensure that the Soviet government has no choice but to retreat north, or west, when Moscow falls, not east over the Urals.
1st April 1941
Stage 10: Moscow will fall to our combined assault of tanks and aircraft. If the government is not captured, they shall be forced to retreat north where the Germans are sure to capture and execute them. At this point, we fully expect the war across the vast salient we have created to end, with any active Red Army groups remaining organised and loyal to the regime further east, or already dying to the Germans.
Bonus Stage 11: It is expected that the only great threat remaining to our forces will be those to the east of our great Moscow Salient, and to the west of Stalingrad. We intend, if they do not surrender after the fall of the capital, to encircled them using the afore-mentioned lucky idiot tank commander in a gigantic pocket. We hope that after this has occurred, the war will be over, and Germany will finally have captured something of importance.
…
16th April 1941
Sure enough…
And yes, this was the first and only notification during the whole war. Stalingrad and Moscow don't trigger with Italians in the driving seat...
…
17th April 1941
Winston Churchill sat at his desk and considered the message he had just received from the Foreign Office.
If even Finland had joined the war against the Russians, it was sure to all be over soon. Moscow had fallen without much fuss or acclaim from the Italians weeks ago, whilst the German press were still raving over their unbelievable push into Leningrad.
The threat of Communism in the world seemed to be draining away. All well and good, but there was still a war to fight and the Germans were going to be emboldened from this.
And yet…the old man smiled as the thought struck him. Finland was not just Stalin’s back door. It would be Hitler’s too. If the Fins were foolish enough to join the Axis Powers, and the Axis were foolish enough to accept them…
He began scribbling notes to the Admiralty, the Foreign Office and to Norway. The game was still on, and now they had a soft target to aim at.
You fucking morons...
You fucking morons...
- 3
Everyone is fucking idiot except Italy, and maybe the Brits. But that was a military genius right there.
Given Goebbels was famously gaunt and sunken of face I am forced to conclude he must have eaten Goering at some point. That or has Hitler just calling people semi-related names and they are all too scared to point out his mistakes to him?
Still only the 3rd stupidest thing in that update. Second place going to the Soviet AI for failing to respond in any sensible way while the Finnish AI takes first place for being, as was aptly said, utterly moronic.
We could have just smashed straight through at this point, but it would have been much slower, risking Germany seizing Moscow and most of the VP despite doing Jack this whole war. So we had to be a bit clever about positioning and capturing terroity.
Looking forward to what madness the german AI will make of the map post peace conference...
He's eaten Goering, caught whatever madness the man was carrying within him, and become the new chief of the luftwaffe.
As described on the german high command ministry list in game.
No idea what actually happened to goering or why gobbles is now in charge, but I've decided mad nazi science happened and they've been merged together. So far, no one has noticed the difference.
Not sure what's going with Germany at this point...But technically, it is not a mistake on my part just dedication to the rich, detailed and factually accurate game paradox has made!
In the Soviets case, they over committed to the german offensive and should really have sent half of their armies there to counter me. They did start doing that, admittedly, eventually. It was just a little too late. Had there been a proper response to the invasion from anatolia, we would have been stuck in the mountains for a lot longer before the European front advancements would have made holding it for the russians too risky.
And if they had sent any more units out east, we would have lost double the men on the Steppe. It was an utterly nightmarish front and I should never have even bothered going in there. They only became useful in the very last stages of the war when we needed to block the Urals.
In fairness to the Soviets, had they not declared war on me, they would have won against Germany. Hitler was going nowhere very slowly even towards the end of my massive offensives, and whilst the Soviets would have lost many millions of men (i suspect) they would have won and taken Berlin themselves as per otl.
Finland very nearly got it right. Opportunity strikes and they go to get their old terrotiies back and secure the peninsula. Fair enough, I think the british would have welcomed them with open arms and so would I (if they wanted to stay neutral against germany).
Actually joining the axis was a really idiotic thing to do given they were planning on sending everything into Russia despite (by default) going to war with Norway and the UK. At that point, I knew a naval landing by UK was inevitable, just didn't know where it would be (Denmark, another in Norway or one in Germany itself?).
In the end, we have done quite well for ourselves, as hoped. The UK has a backdoor into nazis Europe, and the Soviet Union dealt with for free. The germans are weaker than they were at the start of the invasion, and are badly out of position.
We'll see what comes of it...the Soviets haven't surrendered yet.
Writing the next episode, I'm amazed at German obsession and the number of small fascist parties in Soviet Union puppet nations.
The Goering-Goebbels thing has gotten worse (it was definitely a bug) and before it was fixed, everyone in the German cabinet and high command other than Hitler and Himmler (who was protected by being a military General on the map itself) turned into Goebbels-Goering. Thankfully, it has since been resolved and both men are now back where they belong.
The Goering-Goebbels thing has gotten worse (it was definitely a bug) and before it was fixed, everyone in the German cabinet and high command other than Hitler and Himmler (who was protected by being a military General on the map itself) turned into Goebbels-Goering. Thankfully, it has since been resolved and both men are now back where they belong.
I guess I was wrong. Can the Cheesare forgive me for this grave mistake.
I think he's too angry that Paradox thought so little of Italy that they never bothered to code them in...and of all the great powers, Italy have been shown the least love and affection (no updates or additions since launch, whilst all the other first and secondary's powers have been at least added to if not had a dlc focus).
This despite having an achievement for Italy to attack the US and succeed before 1945!
Given the last update I found this PC Games article very amusing.
www.pcgamesn.com
Incidentally, it is less the UK AI is amazing and more the Italian AI cannot defend North Africa. Given that this is entirely accurate, I'm a little disappointed they didn't say mission accomplished and kept it unaltered
More worryingly, apparently the UK AI severely underestimates its starting naval strength and has to be told to build insane ship levels. This no doubt explains why Churchill in our game sold Jamiaca and Newfoundland to FDR for the entire US Atlantic fleet...
Hearts of Iron IV’s AI is so good, the devs sometimes need to handicap it via code
The developers like to use direct methods of making sure the AI behaves itself
www.pcgamesn.com
Incidentally, it is less the UK AI is amazing and more the Italian AI cannot defend North Africa. Given that this is entirely accurate, I'm a little disappointed they didn't say mission accomplished and kept it unaltered
More worryingly, apparently the UK AI severely underestimates its starting naval strength and has to be told to build insane ship levels. This no doubt explains why Churchill in our game sold Jamiaca and Newfoundland to FDR for the entire US Atlantic fleet...
Two questions: first, how many North American possessions can the AI sell for ships?
second, define “entire US Atlantic fleet” because the way that’s worded implies that the US gave them like two carriers, a dozen battleships, and a hundred smaller ships, which would be completely ridiculous and not something that they’d ever do… right?
Okay...
Hmm. Not entirely sure. Not Canada, because its a dominion and not fully under British control. So I'd image anything that's a crown colony or equivalent. Certainly it seems the british can hock everything in the carribean (which makes sense) and Newfoundland (which...doesn't).
Wait...hang on a minute. I think the devs looks up base's for ships agreement and decided that meant the UK signed over the sovereignty of the land itself to the US for ships...that would explain the transfer since pretty much every terroity the British had on that side of the Atlantic was part of that scheme.
I don't know how much they're supposed to give, but the way the UK naval numbers exploded upwards and the US shot down and stayed down...and the fact the UK still does have lands in the amercias (Bermuda, that little chunk in South amercia, the Bahamas for some reason) implies to me that in the deal land for ships, the US ran out of ships first.
This entire situation is absurd but if that bit is true, it is very funny.
Kinda dumps water on my imperial federation hopes though, if Churchill is fine with giving away chunks of the empire to non combatants for an even bigger navy.
Churchill is thinking long term. Now the US has no navy he can easily conqueror back everything he has just traded away.
Alternatively, Churchill gave away some of the less valuable bits for an entire giant navy that can be used later to reconquer the bits that the buyer, who now no longer has a navy, can’t defend.