An island then. Whatever. I'm sure it's worse than Holland.
Gabriel d'Oraz, Overlord of Lower Lorraine
Gabriel d'Oraz, Overlord of Lower Lorraine
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It's at times like these that I fear for the future of the Empire once I pass on and leave the throne to Duke Gabriel.
Then I remember who he'll be ruling over, and I cheer up considerably.
James D'Allmy, Emperor of Aarland, King of the Germans, King of Italy, Burgundy and Bohemia
Then I remember who he'll be ruling over, and I cheer up considerably.
James D'Allmy, Emperor of Aarland, King of the Germans, King of Italy, Burgundy and Bohemia
From the Office of the ReichsKanzler:
To Fausto, Conte di Savoie,
His Imperial Majesty recommends that you learn all that you can from Duke Sejanus - he is a model of the sort of grovelling, snivelling, spineless Prince that the Emperor greatly approves of.
Despite his intense misgivings, the Empress has been quite vocal that the Emperor should not neglect to send you a Christmas present this year. And, apparently, a dose of bubonic plague will not suffice as a gift for one's in-laws. Given that you can indeed do no worse than the other bumbling fools who have been given heriditary duchies, there therefore is a fair chance that the Emperor will see fit to gift you with such responsibility, particularly if you continue to beg with such effective flattery.
To His Grace, the Duke of Bohemia,
You must excuse the Emperor's impatience, as the disloyalty of your fellow princes has given him much work to accomplish, and less time for the crafting of messages. He also finds it hard to hold the quill in his blood-soaked hands.
To answer your queries - the Duchy of Moravia does indeed lie within the Imperial benevolence, and if your conduct remains good, the Emperor may well see fit to reward you with it. It would, however, be unwise to pursue the matter further, given your recent inquiries regarding the Bohemian crown.
I am afraid to inform you that your many brothers and sisters are indeed related to you and, most unfortunately, they are all Germans. However, if your wife is able to see past your terrible disfiguration, there should be no need for them to be of concern to you or your children.
As to your official portraiture, it appears that the court artists were confused greatly by the fact that the counts of Saluces and Monteferrato were, indeed cousins, and both having the same name (Oddone). This error has been corrected, and your face is now slightly less ugly:
Signed and Sealed In the Name of His Imperial Majesty James I,
Composed by Heinrich of Mainz, ReichsKanzler, on his behalf
To Fausto, Conte di Savoie,
His Imperial Majesty recommends that you learn all that you can from Duke Sejanus - he is a model of the sort of grovelling, snivelling, spineless Prince that the Emperor greatly approves of.
Despite his intense misgivings, the Empress has been quite vocal that the Emperor should not neglect to send you a Christmas present this year. And, apparently, a dose of bubonic plague will not suffice as a gift for one's in-laws. Given that you can indeed do no worse than the other bumbling fools who have been given heriditary duchies, there therefore is a fair chance that the Emperor will see fit to gift you with such responsibility, particularly if you continue to beg with such effective flattery.
To His Grace, the Duke of Bohemia,
You must excuse the Emperor's impatience, as the disloyalty of your fellow princes has given him much work to accomplish, and less time for the crafting of messages. He also finds it hard to hold the quill in his blood-soaked hands.
To answer your queries - the Duchy of Moravia does indeed lie within the Imperial benevolence, and if your conduct remains good, the Emperor may well see fit to reward you with it. It would, however, be unwise to pursue the matter further, given your recent inquiries regarding the Bohemian crown.
I am afraid to inform you that your many brothers and sisters are indeed related to you and, most unfortunately, they are all Germans. However, if your wife is able to see past your terrible disfiguration, there should be no need for them to be of concern to you or your children.
As to your official portraiture, it appears that the court artists were confused greatly by the fact that the counts of Saluces and Monteferrato were, indeed cousins, and both having the same name (Oddone). This error has been corrected, and your face is now slightly less ugly:
Signed and Sealed In the Name of His Imperial Majesty James I,
Composed by Heinrich of Mainz, ReichsKanzler, on his behalf
Dear beloved of the people but not of his vassals Emperor James
Alas Lesshammar is indisposed at present, thus I have been left having to quill this short letter to you myself. I beg you, please have the workshy scoundrel punished for his insolence. I am much obliged to you for the recent report issued on the state of the Empire and its nobles. However some unsettling matters have come to light;
Firstly, oh stupendously gifted one, I can only apologise for the shocking state of my prestige. I had planned to have well below 2,000 prestige by this time. That I am only at a measly -1,899 is something which causes me deep embarrassment. Rest assured I shall work to right this terrible error.
Secondly, I am left hugely distressed by the report stating I am 'somewhat disloyal' to your great self. Rest assured my liege, I am completely and utterly disloyal to you. Any rogue who claims otherwise shall be cut down by my blade (provided said rogue is smaller/older/weaker/infirm/somehow beneath myself).
Thirdly, it is very reassuring to learn that my good son and heir, Werner, is learning how to rule from Robert Morrell. I am sure no harm will befall him whilst he resides within the Morrell Household. My killing Robert’s cousin, the late Duke Ben, only brought our families closer together. I would however be much obliged, my liege, if you could tell Werner to avoid any and all stairs within Robert’s castle, and tell him to hire some bodyguards and a food taster.
I do wish to issue a word of warning, my stupendously gifted liege, in that Duke Iain has me rather worried. The man claims himself a Scotsman, a Glaswegian at that, yet this report states that he is 'temperate'. There is not a Scotsman alive who refuses alcohol, or drinks it in moderation at least. Frankly I find Duke Iain’s claims very suspicious in this regard. I strongly advise you keep a close eye on him. Perhaps even have him put under castle-arrest so as to stop the deliquant from approaching the slightly hunchbacked wives of other relatively loyal vassals.
Your ever decreasingly loyal vassal
Shaun von Morningsider
Duke of Swabia
_________________________________
So that is why the cur has been sleeping around! No longer, I shall dispatch him in our duel.
I am glad to report myself and Duke Iain have ended our quarrel. We engaged in a bout of noble fisticuffs, with Duke Iain making great use of a technique apparently called the ‘Glasgae kiss’. Although he succeeded in knocking me unconscious, this was not before I had voided my bowels in abject terror, the smell knocking Duke Iain out. Thus a draw for both parties, and we can both retain our honour. However since the duel I have seen neither my wife nor Duke Iain…
The churl Iain shall pay once more!
Alas Lesshammar is indisposed at present, thus I have been left having to quill this short letter to you myself. I beg you, please have the workshy scoundrel punished for his insolence. I am much obliged to you for the recent report issued on the state of the Empire and its nobles. However some unsettling matters have come to light;
Firstly, oh stupendously gifted one, I can only apologise for the shocking state of my prestige. I had planned to have well below 2,000 prestige by this time. That I am only at a measly -1,899 is something which causes me deep embarrassment. Rest assured I shall work to right this terrible error.
Secondly, I am left hugely distressed by the report stating I am 'somewhat disloyal' to your great self. Rest assured my liege, I am completely and utterly disloyal to you. Any rogue who claims otherwise shall be cut down by my blade (provided said rogue is smaller/older/weaker/infirm/somehow beneath myself).
Thirdly, it is very reassuring to learn that my good son and heir, Werner, is learning how to rule from Robert Morrell. I am sure no harm will befall him whilst he resides within the Morrell Household. My killing Robert’s cousin, the late Duke Ben, only brought our families closer together. I would however be much obliged, my liege, if you could tell Werner to avoid any and all stairs within Robert’s castle, and tell him to hire some bodyguards and a food taster.
I do wish to issue a word of warning, my stupendously gifted liege, in that Duke Iain has me rather worried. The man claims himself a Scotsman, a Glaswegian at that, yet this report states that he is 'temperate'. There is not a Scotsman alive who refuses alcohol, or drinks it in moderation at least. Frankly I find Duke Iain’s claims very suspicious in this regard. I strongly advise you keep a close eye on him. Perhaps even have him put under castle-arrest so as to stop the deliquant from approaching the slightly hunchbacked wives of other relatively loyal vassals.
Your ever decreasingly loyal vassal
Shaun von Morningsider
Duke of Swabia
_________________________________
OOC : Oh and Iain? You've bagged yourself quite a wife. Świnisława. Świnisława comes from Świnia. Świnia means pig. So yeah. Iain and Pigisława, the couple to rule the world!
So that is why the cur has been sleeping around! No longer, I shall dispatch him in our duel.
I am glad to report myself and Duke Iain have ended our quarrel. We engaged in a bout of noble fisticuffs, with Duke Iain making great use of a technique apparently called the ‘Glasgae kiss’. Although he succeeded in knocking me unconscious, this was not before I had voided my bowels in abject terror, the smell knocking Duke Iain out. Thus a draw for both parties, and we can both retain our honour. However since the duel I have seen neither my wife nor Duke Iain…
The churl Iain shall pay once more!
To his Angelo-Teutonic Kaiserness James.
Greetings your highness
recently your majesty has generously offered Milan as a nice city for my wife to go shopping. My question is if this generous offer still stands, as my liege is less than happy with my rebelliousness. If he's unhappy, that means a horde of semi-barbaric Frenchmen he employs aren't happy too. My elite personal guard (I call them Barry and Hank) will fight bravely, but I doubt we can counter his force long enough...
Yours beleaguerdly,
Count Willem van Holland-Lotharingen.
Greetings your highness
recently your majesty has generously offered Milan as a nice city for my wife to go shopping. My question is if this generous offer still stands, as my liege is less than happy with my rebelliousness. If he's unhappy, that means a horde of semi-barbaric Frenchmen he employs aren't happy too. My elite personal guard (I call them Barry and Hank) will fight bravely, but I doubt we can counter his force long enough...
Yours beleaguerdly,
Count Willem van Holland-Lotharingen.
To his imperial majesty James I
I thank you for answering my questions. As you wish I will stop pursuing the matter.
As to my family, I hope they all are scammers. To be related to germans.....
Oh, the shame!
And thank you for clearing the matter with the imperial portraiters. Do please inform them, that they won't be getting the tips I promised them.
Juan...Fernandez de El Even, Duque de Bohemia
I thank you for answering my questions. As you wish I will stop pursuing the matter.
As to my family, I hope they all are scammers. To be related to germans.....
Oh, the shame!
And thank you for clearing the matter with the imperial portraiters. Do please inform them, that they won't be getting the tips I promised them.
Juan...Fernandez de El Even, Duque de Bohemia
In the name of Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, our one and sole true God. Lucius Sejanus, Prince of the Austrians and the Carinthians, whose faith is in God, to our desired spiritual brother, the God-appointed Emperor James of the most Christian people of the AARlanders.
Firstly, I would like to thank your Imperial Majesty's Cartographer, as the map of our Glorious Empire that I recently received is most enlightening. The feature that caught my eye the first was the uncertain status of the county of Steirmark, realm of count der Eifer. Our records in Vienna indicate that historically the land in question has always been part of the Duchy of Austria, yet the count der Eifer claims to be your direct vassal. Normally, this would cause no objection in your ever humble and loyal servant, but the current arrangement splits my realm in half, making the admministration of the land difficult at best. The peasants and traders go untaxed, which lowers my income, and, more importantly, your income. However, in this as in all other matters I obey your sovereign judgement, and do not deamand the fealty of count Der Eifer, which some say is my right. There is another way to rectify this administrative inefficiency however. The lands to the east are populated by Magyars, a weak and cowardly people. An expansion of my realm at their expense would greatly enrich you, my Emperor, and perhaps some of those riches would find their way to the coffers of Vienna as a reward from a wise and just Emperor to a loyal and humble vassal.
I have another favor to beg of your Majesty. My two youngest sons have taken to speaking in tongues. My wife insists that they are speaking German, but I have never heard of this "German", my native tongue being Greek and the language of my AARlandian letters being Latin. I therefore humbly ask your Imperial Majesty to send a well trained priest to Vienna to exorcise the children, and, should the exorcism fail, to make sure my eldest son, free of the malady, is the one to succeed me.
Lucius Sejanus, Dux Austricus et Carninthius.
Firstly, I would like to thank your Imperial Majesty's Cartographer, as the map of our Glorious Empire that I recently received is most enlightening. The feature that caught my eye the first was the uncertain status of the county of Steirmark, realm of count der Eifer. Our records in Vienna indicate that historically the land in question has always been part of the Duchy of Austria, yet the count der Eifer claims to be your direct vassal. Normally, this would cause no objection in your ever humble and loyal servant, but the current arrangement splits my realm in half, making the admministration of the land difficult at best. The peasants and traders go untaxed, which lowers my income, and, more importantly, your income. However, in this as in all other matters I obey your sovereign judgement, and do not deamand the fealty of count Der Eifer, which some say is my right. There is another way to rectify this administrative inefficiency however. The lands to the east are populated by Magyars, a weak and cowardly people. An expansion of my realm at their expense would greatly enrich you, my Emperor, and perhaps some of those riches would find their way to the coffers of Vienna as a reward from a wise and just Emperor to a loyal and humble vassal.
I have another favor to beg of your Majesty. My two youngest sons have taken to speaking in tongues. My wife insists that they are speaking German, but I have never heard of this "German", my native tongue being Greek and the language of my AARlandian letters being Latin. I therefore humbly ask your Imperial Majesty to send a well trained priest to Vienna to exorcise the children, and, should the exorcism fail, to make sure my eldest son, free of the malady, is the one to succeed me.
Lucius Sejanus, Dux Austricus et Carninthius.
If I may step out of character for a moment; is Brother Heinrich the former Heinrich von Franken, or just a random Heinrich?
Hol boss! How's it gawn big man?
Sorry about aw the mess in Lausitz. The wee queer-hawk ah left in charge was chattin' aw sorts aw keech about you and yer maw so ah was aw "Right ya wee bam - moan then!" and he was like "Square go!"
So ah goat pure wired in there, banjoed him, burnt doon his hoose, killed aw his weans an' his burd an' told aw his wee mates that ah wiz the new top man.
They're aw cool wi' it by the way.
Ah pure rock.
Speakin' o' how great am ur, ye'll be pleased tae knaw that I gied that wee nugget Shauny a good kick in the baws for ye.
A cannie mind just whit happened, but he wiz geining it aww "You an' me pal!" so ah called the wee bam and geid him a right guid stookie but the dirty bastard pure shat himsel' when he fell doon, so ah almost passed oot. Pure stinkin' so he wiz the dirty wee midden!
Anyhoo, giez a shout if ye need any more heads breakin'!
Duke Iain - square-go-merchant
Sorry about aw the mess in Lausitz. The wee queer-hawk ah left in charge was chattin' aw sorts aw keech about you and yer maw so ah was aw "Right ya wee bam - moan then!" and he was like "Square go!"
So ah goat pure wired in there, banjoed him, burnt doon his hoose, killed aw his weans an' his burd an' told aw his wee mates that ah wiz the new top man.
They're aw cool wi' it by the way.
Ah pure rock.
Speakin' o' how great am ur, ye'll be pleased tae knaw that I gied that wee nugget Shauny a good kick in the baws for ye.
A cannie mind just whit happened, but he wiz geining it aww "You an' me pal!" so ah called the wee bam and geid him a right guid stookie but the dirty bastard pure shat himsel' when he fell doon, so ah almost passed oot. Pure stinkin' so he wiz the dirty wee midden!
Anyhoo, giez a shout if ye need any more heads breakin'!
Duke Iain - square-go-merchant
To the ever-glorious and wise King (undoubtedly soon to be Emperor) James,
Thy mercy, infinite as it is, was most gracious. I thank thee that in thy rather... Davidian might and glory, you saw fit to spare my lands and my children (probably a bad move). I must confess, however, that I did have crossbowmen ready with enough poisoned bolts to make you into a candidate for "Europe's First Dissolved Pincushion". I simply did not feel like making the effort to order to bombardment of thy royal figure.
In the spirit of that confession, as an Italian, it seems that you're being a bit lenient with Treviso. Those anti-monarchial Trevisan fools are fit for nothing but merchantship, I advise you to crush them as soon as possible.
And you say, my liege, that you do not need Italian bankers; but why not Italian vassals? Surely, as a deceitful Italian myself, I'm the perfect choice to rule Treviso in your stead! I mean no disrespect to your very English person, but Italy is notoriously disloyal to foreign kings; a ruler of their same culture would be sufficient to quiet the bankers.
Your ever humble and honest (and also loyal) brother-in-law,
Duke Fausto di Savoy (who should be lord and master of all Italy, but hey, it's no biggie)
P.S. Why is Duke Iain talking like one of those moles from the Redwall books?
Thy mercy, infinite as it is, was most gracious. I thank thee that in thy rather... Davidian might and glory, you saw fit to spare my lands and my children (probably a bad move). I must confess, however, that I did have crossbowmen ready with enough poisoned bolts to make you into a candidate for "Europe's First Dissolved Pincushion". I simply did not feel like making the effort to order to bombardment of thy royal figure.
In the spirit of that confession, as an Italian, it seems that you're being a bit lenient with Treviso. Those anti-monarchial Trevisan fools are fit for nothing but merchantship, I advise you to crush them as soon as possible.
And you say, my liege, that you do not need Italian bankers; but why not Italian vassals? Surely, as a deceitful Italian myself, I'm the perfect choice to rule Treviso in your stead! I mean no disrespect to your very English person, but Italy is notoriously disloyal to foreign kings; a ruler of their same culture would be sufficient to quiet the bankers.
Your ever humble and honest (and also loyal) brother-in-law,
Duke Fausto di Savoy (who should be lord and master of all Italy, but hey, it's no biggie)
P.S. Why is Duke Iain talking like one of those moles from the Redwall books?
Listen wee man, carry on cheekin' me like that, an' I'll come roon and make sure ye've goat a red wall at yer ain hoose - an' it'll be aw red wi' yer ain blood.
See whit ah did ther?
RED wall.
'cos blood's red an' aw that.
Pure brainy me, so ah am.
So yeah Fausto - shut it or yer getting chibbed ya wee chugger!
I can't wait for one of your children to turn out german. That will be so entertaining!
Pssah, there's no need for violence; but if you must try and brain me, let's have some wine as civilized chaps do; I have some right here of my own blend of murder! and making.
Or I don't suppose you'd be willing to have an honest handshake before you paint my castle red with blood? Oh, pay no mind to the dagger up up my sleeve...
Ah, right. Scottish. Fine then, I'll just make some whiskey (with extract of several venomous spiders) for you.
Proposed message dictated by Duke Shaun;
Dear blessedly unique James
Thankfully Lesshammar has returned to his post and is thus able to quill this letter to yourself. I am still feeling groggy following my duel with that misbegotten wretch Duke Iain. Not only left groggy due to his underhanded use of the 'Glasgae kiss', but also due to the noxious vapours I released in a cunning and brilliant self-defence.
As the last few months have hopefully proven to you, oh great leader, I am no longer the rebellious scoundrel I once was. I have not rebelled once lately, and would thus hope you can find it within your great self to release me from my 'sabbatical', that I may tend to my lands once more. I am told they have been turning to ruin without my wise leadership. It would seem a far better idea to release me, a valiant and loyal vassal of your great self, and instead imprison the uncouth adulterous braggart Duke Iain, as he is proving an ever greater threat to your excellent self.
Furthermore I need, alas, report very sinister developments within the ‘holiday rooms’ of your castle. The servant you assigned to myself, continually seems to be attempting to poison me, as evidenced by the strange greenish objects he brings to me and expects me to eat. I find this quite deplorable my liege, and beg you to rectify the situation. I am sure these seeming attempts at food poisoning where not ordered by your most stupendous self.
Ever your most loyal and humble vassal
Shaun von Morningsider
Duke of Swabia
Actual message quilled by Lesshammar;
Hey ridiculously inept James
The wonderfully brilliant Lesshammar has returned to my useless self, despite the lack of gratitude from me, and is thus able to quill this letter. I am left feeling near-dead following my duel with the incomprehensible Duke Iain. This is due to my being handily beaten. My cowardly releasing of noxious vapours proving the only means by which I am still alive.
As the last few months have proven to you, your royal incompetence, the realm is much better with me locked up, not proving a rebellious nuisance. I have been unable to rebel lately due to my incarceration, and it would prove wise to keep me locked up for life, as I ever plot your downfall. Nonetheless Duke Iain truly is a most irksome oik, who truly does deserve to be imprisoned as well.
It is with some shock that I notice you are doing the intelligent thing in attempting to assassinate me via food poisoning. You are not as forgivingly stupid as I had suspected and hoped. My warders have thus far failed to make me eat the clearly poisonous green things you have consistently been serving me, which are apparently called ‘veggytables’. Thus your plan lies in tatters.
Ever the thorn in your side
Shaun von Morningsider
Duke of Swabia
Dear blessedly unique James
Thankfully Lesshammar has returned to his post and is thus able to quill this letter to yourself. I am still feeling groggy following my duel with that misbegotten wretch Duke Iain. Not only left groggy due to his underhanded use of the 'Glasgae kiss', but also due to the noxious vapours I released in a cunning and brilliant self-defence.
As the last few months have hopefully proven to you, oh great leader, I am no longer the rebellious scoundrel I once was. I have not rebelled once lately, and would thus hope you can find it within your great self to release me from my 'sabbatical', that I may tend to my lands once more. I am told they have been turning to ruin without my wise leadership. It would seem a far better idea to release me, a valiant and loyal vassal of your great self, and instead imprison the uncouth adulterous braggart Duke Iain, as he is proving an ever greater threat to your excellent self.
Furthermore I need, alas, report very sinister developments within the ‘holiday rooms’ of your castle. The servant you assigned to myself, continually seems to be attempting to poison me, as evidenced by the strange greenish objects he brings to me and expects me to eat. I find this quite deplorable my liege, and beg you to rectify the situation. I am sure these seeming attempts at food poisoning where not ordered by your most stupendous self.
Ever your most loyal and humble vassal
Shaun von Morningsider
Duke of Swabia
Actual message quilled by Lesshammar;
Hey ridiculously inept James
The wonderfully brilliant Lesshammar has returned to my useless self, despite the lack of gratitude from me, and is thus able to quill this letter. I am left feeling near-dead following my duel with the incomprehensible Duke Iain. This is due to my being handily beaten. My cowardly releasing of noxious vapours proving the only means by which I am still alive.
As the last few months have proven to you, your royal incompetence, the realm is much better with me locked up, not proving a rebellious nuisance. I have been unable to rebel lately due to my incarceration, and it would prove wise to keep me locked up for life, as I ever plot your downfall. Nonetheless Duke Iain truly is a most irksome oik, who truly does deserve to be imprisoned as well.
It is with some shock that I notice you are doing the intelligent thing in attempting to assassinate me via food poisoning. You are not as forgivingly stupid as I had suspected and hoped. My warders have thus far failed to make me eat the clearly poisonous green things you have consistently been serving me, which are apparently called ‘veggytables’. Thus your plan lies in tatters.
Ever the thorn in your side
Shaun von Morningsider
Duke of Swabia
To King James I of very much,
As I was recently notified that you weren't actually emperor, I shall stop calling you by that title, as I fear it may be mocking you to be constantly reminded of your absent title.
Your vassal problems seems to be continuing. As I am loyal, do please feel free to rely on me for punishing those who aren't.
And as to the bloodstain you might have noticed on my last letter, do not worry. My secretary cut himself on my office sword, and he is now lying in the infirmary. Just to avoid misunderstandings.
Juan etc. Fernandez de El Even, Duque de Bohemia
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Duke Iain of Meissen,
I hear you have a brewery in your basement. If the price is right, i would like to buy some.
Sincerely, your neighbour,
J. de El Even, Duque de Bohemia and Lord of Praha
As I was recently notified that you weren't actually emperor, I shall stop calling you by that title, as I fear it may be mocking you to be constantly reminded of your absent title.
Your vassal problems seems to be continuing. As I am loyal, do please feel free to rely on me for punishing those who aren't.
And as to the bloodstain you might have noticed on my last letter, do not worry. My secretary cut himself on my office sword, and he is now lying in the infirmary. Just to avoid misunderstandings.
Juan etc. Fernandez de El Even, Duque de Bohemia
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Duke Iain of Meissen,
I hear you have a brewery in your basement. If the price is right, i would like to buy some.
Sincerely, your neighbour,
J. de El Even, Duque de Bohemia and Lord of Praha