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Love the dark humor here.

This doesn't work out the way Petlyakov feared, but Tupolev still takes credit. Wondering what engineering changes Tupolev made to get this one to fly.

Or perhaps in the very typical Russian way they just bulled ahead with what they had?
 
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Peltyakov's name will live on at least. How ironic to be killed by your own creation.
 
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Love the dark humor here.

This doesn't work out the way Petlyakov feared, but Tupolev still takes credit. Wondering what engineering changes Tupolev made to get this one to fly.

Or perhaps in the very typical Russian way they just bulled ahead with what they had?

In real life, the Pe-8 suffered from engine problems and reliability issues throughout its career. I am assuming that, in typical Russian way...they just bulled ahead.

They also used it regardless of losses. Often in the actual war, rate of loss pretty much matched rate of production...which meant in reality that they were lost almost as soon as they were made...

Peltyakov's name will live on at least. How ironic to be killed by your own creation.

Indeed.

In our timeline, Petlyakov was killed in his own design...but it was the Pe-2 that he was flying, not the Pe-8.

Aviation back then was a dangerous thing to be involved in...
 
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A poem written by an airman from the TB-6 squadron about their experiences during the Finnish Winter War:


In skies where valor once had taken flight,

The Tupolev TB-6 now held its might.

With every pass, a cheerful sight,

Their foes below trembled in plight.



For tales of the beast had reached their ear,

Of guns so vast and engines so queer,

Their hearts would sink and spirits sear,

At thought of facing that fearful gear.



The DI-8s, in escort tight,

Like metal sentinels in the light,

Guarding the heavens with fiery might,

Made sure the air was clear and bright.



No Finnish plane would dare to appear,

Before the armada so revered,

Their propellers stilled by sheer, stark fear,

Their challenge lost without a spear.



In cockpits high, the airmen jest and cheer,

As bombs they drop with wild abandon here,

Their laughter echoes far and near,

While down below, chaos they revere.



This dance of power in the sky so blue,

Where not a single shot is due,

Their invincibility they knew,

Their dominance none would ever rue.



With every town that crumbles and burns,

Their victory's sweetness they discern,

No obstacle on which they turns,

Their confidence in their machine they learn.



Yet, amidst the joy and the flair,

A whisper softly through the air,

Of a secret weapon, none would dare,

To think could match their monstrous pair.



But fate has twists, and fate has flair,

For soon the tables shall prepare,

A jest so sharp, it cuts like a snare,

To show them that power isn't rare.



<Flak Burst>

We have now reached winter of 1939 / 1940. I invaded Finland, and rather easily conquered it. Only the TB-6 / DI-8 units had a major role to play. Our submarines met no Finish convoys, and the lone Finish warship was sunk by my surface vessels in the Arctic Sea. The brigade of T-35 tanks we had never got a chance to engage the enemy, their unit merely advancing in the wake of our cavalry and faster armor. Our superheavy battleship is still being built.

We decided to bring the Finns socialism...and have annexed their nation.
 
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As someone playing with poetry recently in my AAR, interesting to see this. Nicely done.

We decided to bring the Finns socialism...and have annexed their nation.
So you have already proven that your USSR is absolutely more stronk than the original timeline USSR! Congratulations for that. Stalin must be laughing heartily after every vodka shot he consumes.

I do weep a bit for the Finns though. Their fight against the Soviets in the original timeline is certainly heroic.
 
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As I sat in the dimly lit chamber, surrounded by the intoxicating aroma of black bread and the pungent scent of vodka that had seeped into the very fabric of our military uniforms, I couldn't help but feel a peculiar blend of amusement and trepidation. The engineers and designers around me, their faces etched with furrows of doubt and the occasional spark of mad genius, were the cream of the Soviet crop, brought together under the auspices of Stalin's latest whimsical decree. They were the unsung heroes of the industrial machine, the mad scientists of the steel age, tasked with conjuring up floating tanks for the marines and paratroopers that could glide through the seas and the air like majestic metal swans before plummeting into enemy territories to unleash havoc. The walls of the room seemed to close in with each gulp of vodka, their ideas growing wilder with every toast to the Great Leader's vision.

"Comrades," I began, my voice echoing in the cavernous space, "We must not despair. This is not a task that defies logic, but rather one that challenges the very essence of our ingenuity!" The room fell silent, save for the distant rumble of a passing tank outside, serving as a stark reminder of the gravity of our situation. I took a deep breath, feeling the warm embrace of the vaporous spirits bolster my courage. "We shall create a marvel that even the capitalist dogs will envy!"

Their gazes met mine, a flicker of hope igniting in their bloodshot eyes. I knew then that we were about to embark on a journey that would either lead us to the annals of history as pioneers of warfare or the frosty embrace of Siberia. But in that moment, as we clinked our glasses together, the cold metal kissing the warmth of our desperation, I had a sudden revelation. It struck me with the force of a ZIS-30 anti-tank rifle round, ricocheting through my brain like a stray bullet. What if we didn't need to make the floating / flying tanks actually good? What if the true strength of our new weapon lay in something much simpler, yet infinitely more ingenious?

I couldn't believe my own audacity. There I was, the youngest and most inexperienced of the lot, suggesting we revive a relic from the annals of military antiquity to serve as the vanguard of our great nation's might. Yet as the vodka-induced laughter died down, I watched the gears in the heads of my seasoned comrades begin to turn. The room, once a mausoleum of despair, now buzzed with the electricity of newfound hope. The T-27 tankette! It was the answer to our prayers, a whimsical jest turned into a stroke of genius. With Stalin's decree hanging over our heads like the Sword of Damocles, the absurdity of it all seemed to be the only way out of our predicament. The engineers, once desolate, now leaned over the blueprints, their eyes gleaming with mischief as they scribbled down ideas like madmen.

"Why not give them skis?" one suggested, his voice slurred with the sweet embrace of the vodka. "We can call them 'Snow Leapers'!"

Another, his cheeks flushed, exclaimed, "Or wings! Who needs parachutes when you can just fly straight into battle?"

The chuckles grew into a crescendo of laughter as the ideas grew more ludicrous. Yet, amidst the joviality, an ingenious plan began to crystallize. We'd take these ancient contraptions, slap on a fresh coat of paint, give them a few shiny new accessories, and voilà! Instant floating and / or flying tanks. It was a farce, a joke that had been born out of our desperation, but it was a joke that might just save our skins.

As the night progressed, our laughter grew louder, the toasts more frequent. The room swirled with a mix of smoke and ambition as we plotted our grand ruse. The T-27s would be the centerpiece of a spectacle so ludicrous that not even the most stoic of Germans could help but snicker. And as we worked into the early hours, refining our ludicrous designs, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of pride. For in the face of certain Siberian exile, we had conjured a plan so ingeniously absurd that it just might work. After all, in the bizarre tapestry of war, isn't it the most unexpected threads that often end up weaving the most successful patterns of survival?

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For our newly created marine and paratrooper forces, we were tasked by Stalin with providing them with tanks. This being Soviet Russia and the late 1930s, barely into 1940...we just don't have the technology to build swimming tanks that are decent, or airplanes powerful enough to haul aloft a decent tank even if we could build it.

And so, Darkest Hour allows a simple and ingenious solution...we merely repurpose the hundreds, perhaps thousands of the old T-27 tankettes from the late 1920s / early 1930s. It is a tiny 'tank' (in name only), armed with a single machine gun. It is so small you have to be an inordinately small soldier to fit into it!

Even this is too heavy for our Lisunov Li-2s to carry...but we are going to be switching out the Tupolev TB-6 with the Petlyakov Pe-8...and so the Tupolev's are DEFINITELY large enough to haul a T-27 around....

T 27 under TB 3.JPG

Making the T-27 swim was a bit harder of a task. In the end, we decided to basically copy the Vickers design for a floating tank, since it used old parts from the T-27 powertrain, and wasn't too dissimilar. This would be the T-37A, the first amphibious tank brought into service in the world.

T 37  A.JPG

T-37A

Mass: 3.2 tonnes
Length: 3.75 meters
Width: 2.10 meters
Height: 1.82 meters
Crew: 2

Armor: 3-9 mm
Main armament: 7.62mm DT machine gun (only 585 rounds)
Engine: GAZ-AA 40 hp
Operational Range: 185 km
Maximum speed: 35 km/h

And so, we go from massive monstrosities to the tiny. In real life, the Russian army had trouble finding enough men small enough to actually crew these things.
 
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As someone playing with poetry recently in my AAR, interesting to see this. Nicely done.


So you have already proven that your USSR is absolutely more stronk than the original timeline USSR! Congratulations for that. Stalin must be laughing heartily after every vodka shot he consumes.

I do weep a bit for the Finns though. Their fight against the Soviets in the original timeline is certainly heroic.

I hoped I could do poetry...it was a pretty simple repeating doggerel. Maybe someday I'll try something more difficult.

As for my Soviet Union being more successful...of course we are! I'm the player, the main character! I am, however, disappointed so far that not many of these silly designs has actually left it's mark on the world just yet!
 
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The poetry is nice. And I'm sure the tankettes will succeed. The tankettes aren't relics, why else would the Italians use them?
 
I did find this to be another hilarious chapter. One 3.2 ton vehicle with one limited machine gun for two men who also had to meet certain small specifications. As these were apparently really made, what were the limitations to crew size, if you know?

Ah, the work to meet the whims of a drunken dictator! The dark humor continues....
 
I did find this to be another hilarious chapter. One 3.2 ton vehicle with one limited machine gun for two men who also had to meet certain small specifications. As these were apparently really made, what were the limitations to crew size, if you know?

Ah, the work to meet the whims of a drunken dictator! The dark humor continues....

I could not actually find restrictions for the T-27 in specifics. I do know that for many tanks immediately post war, the height limit is about 1.65 meters (five foot, six inches)...and I suspect by the dimensions of the T-27, that it has further restrictive requirements.
 
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I, the ever-watchful Comrade Stalin, strode into the grand hall of the Soviet Union's Aviation Design Bureau, the scent of oil and metal lingering in the air, a symphony of cogs and gears designing the secrets of aerial dominance. The engineers, a motley assembly of the nation's sharpest minds, stood at attention, their faces a canvas of hope and trepidation. They knew the gravity of the task at hand. The fate of our great nation's skies rested on their shoulders. The ANT-46, while a marvel of engineering in its own right, had become the proverbial tortoise in the shadow of the rapidly advancing hare that was enemy aviation.

"Gentlemen," I announced with the authority of a man who had personally wrestled with the very concept of gravity, "We must not rest upon our laurels. Our enemies seek to outpace us, to outgun us, to outfox us. But we shall not be outsmarted!" My voice echoed through the cavernous room, bouncing off the blueprints and models that surrounded us. "Your mission is clear: create a escort fighter that will make the skies quiver with fear at the mere sound of its engines! A fighter that will not only match the speed of our adversaries but leave them gawping in the dust of its prop wash. A fighter that will make the angels of heaven weep with envy!"

The engineers exchanged furtive glances, scribbling furious notes, their pencils a blur of motion. The room buzzed with the electricity of innovation and the sweet scent of vodka-infused sweat. The pressure was palpable, but so too was the excitement. After all, who wouldn't want to be a part of history, crafting the very instruments that would determine the outcome of this global dance of destruction and folly? And as for me, I was eager to see what ludicrous contraption they would come up with next. After all, in the twisted tapestry of war, a dash of humor was often the only thread of sanity to hold onto.

One young engineer, a sprig of courage in a sea of seasoned veterans, timidly raised his hand, his voice quaking like the engine of his proposed solution. "Comrade Stalin," he began, "might I suggest the Yakovlev Yak-2? It's a twin-engine design, and with a bit of... reconfiguration, we could potentially... increase its range. Perhaps by, uh, relocating some of the fuel storage to the bomb bay?" The room fell silent, the only sound the ticking of a clock that seemed to mock the very concept of time as we knew it. The audacity! The sheer lunacy! But amidst the chuckles and raised eyebrows, there was a flicker of something else: hope. The kind of hope that clings to the edge of a cliff with its fingernails, knowing full well it might just grow wings if it hangs on long enough.

I leaned back in my chair, stroking my mustache contemplatively, as if it were a pet cat that had just presented me with a dead mouse. "Interesting," I murmured, the single word hanging in the air like the first snowflake of a blizzard. "But what of the speed, Comrade?" The young man gulped audibly, his Adam's apple bobbing like a yo-yo. "Well, with more fuel, it might be a tad slower, but surely that is a small sacrifice for the greater good?" He looked around, searching for a nod of approval, a wink of camaraderie, but finding only stern faces staring back at him. "Hmm," I said, stroking my mustache with renewed vigor. "If it can outfly a pigeon with a vendetta, then perhaps it has potential. Make it so!" The engineers, caught between bewilderment and the sudden spark of an idea, set to work with a newfound urgency.

The days turned into nights, and the nights into a blur of coffee and cigarette smoke. The Yakovlev I-29 grew before our very eyes, its fuel tanks swelling like a pregnant duck. We watched as it took shape, a metallic embodiment of our collective desperation. And as the final modifications were made, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. Sometimes, in the dark comedy that is war, the most absurd ideas are the ones that win the day. And if this flying gas can could indeed bring us victory, then perhaps the angels of heaven would not weep for our ingenuity, but for the sheer absurdity of the war machine we had become.

Yak 2.JPG

General Characteristics:
Crew: 2
Length: 9.34 meters
Wingspan: 14 meters
Gross Weight: 5,380 kg
Powerplants: 2 x Klimov M-103 V-12 liquid cooled piston engines, 960 hp each

Performance:
Maximum Speed: 515 km/h at 5,200 meters
Range: 1,300 kilometers
Service Ceiling: 8,900 meters

Armament:
2 x 7.62 mm ShKAS machine guns
2 x 20 mm ShVAK cannon (under the fuselage)

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As the days grew shorter and the shadows of doubt began to loom over the bureau, the Yakovlev I-29 took to the skies for its maiden flight. The engineers had worked tirelessly, their caffeine-induced hallucinations now a reality in the form of an aircraft that looked like it had been designed by a committee of drunken octopi. The aircraft lurched and wheezed, its engines coughing like a pair of asthmatic smokers climbing the stairs to their own doom. Yet, as it lumbered into the air, something peculiar happened: it didn't fall apart. The engineers cheered and clinked their empty vodka bottles together, toasting to the unpredictable nature of science and the indomitable spirit of the Soviet Union.

The first test flight was a rollercoaster of emotions. It wobbled like a newborn foal, its wings seemingly held on by nothing more than hope and duct tape. But as it gained altitude, the I-29 began to show signs of life, its bulk surprisingly graceful in the face of the biting wind. The speed, while not exactly a match for the swiftest birds of the enemy's arsenal, was at least a respectable crawl compared to our previous offerings. The laughter of the engineers grew louder, a mix of relief and disbelief. Had they truly created a weapon that could change the tide of the air war?

My heart swelled with a mix of pride and amusement as I observed this bizarre spectacle from the safety of the control tower. The I-29 was a testament to the human ability to make something out of nothing, to find a silver lining in the darkest of clouds. It was a clumsy, gas-guzzling beast, but it was our clumsy, gas-guzzling beast. And in that moment, as the sun dipped below the horizon, painting the sky with a palette of fiery oranges and deep purples, I knew that this peculiar aircraft would become a symbol of our struggle. A reminder that even in the face of overwhelming odds and absurd challenges, good could still triumph over evil, even if it had to do so at a slightly reduced cruising speed.

The I-29s first wargame mission was a sight to behold. It lumbered into battle, a whale among sharks, its engines belching smoke like a dragon with indigestion. Yet, the pilots had grown attached to their metallic mammoth, naming her 'Tatyana the Tenacious'. She may not have been pretty, but she had a heart of gold, or in this case, a sturdy steel frame.

As the enemy aircraft approached, the pilots of Tatyana held their collective breath. Would their trusty steed be able to keep up, or would she falter under the weight of their hopes and dreams? The propellers spun like a child's top on a sugar rush, and with a roar that could wake the dead, she surged forward. The 7.62mm machine guns chattered like an angry squirrel, while the twenty-millimeter cannons boomed like a pair of bass drums at a military parade. The enemy, caught off guard by the sheer audacity of this lumbering giant, broke rank and scattered like leaves before a gust of wind.

The skies were now ours, or at least a slightly larger portion of them. The engineers cheered as the reports of Tatyana's successful mission filtered back to the bureau. They had done it. They had turned a jest into a javelin, a punchline into a punch to the enemy's face. And as I raised my own glass of vodka in salute, I couldn't help but think that sometimes, in the grand theater of war, it's the underdogs with the most ridiculous props that end up stealing the show.
 
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I, the ever-watchful Comrade Stalin
Ever-watchful is a huge understatement...

...it doesn't describe Stalin's love for his people enough! He just wants to keep an eye on them and make sure they're doing the best they can, being the best they can be. ;)
there was a flicker of something else: hope. The kind of hope that clings to the edge of a cliff with its fingernails, knowing full well it might just grow wings if it hangs on long enough.
The aircraft lurched and wheezed, its engines coughing like a pair of asthmatic smokers climbing the stairs to their own doom.
Such great descriptions!
It lumbered into battle, a whale among sharks
As long as that whale's an Orca, the pilots should do fine. More than fine, even.
 
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Another funny chapter that had me chuckling. Thanks for that.

What was the actual record of the I-29? Were many made? And isn't that a photo of a Yak-2 at the end? Did these become the Yak-2?

(I know: too many serious questions for a funny AAR. Uncle Joe is also quite funny.)
 
Ever-watchful is a huge understatement...

...it doesn't describe Stalin's love for his people enough! He just wants to keep an eye on them and make sure they're doing the best they can, being the best they can be. ;)


Such great descriptions!

As long as that whale's an Orca, the pilots should do fine. More than fine, even.

Thanks!

Orca is a good descriptor, I think. When the war with the vile Hun kicks off, it will be interesting to see if they are doing alright in game.

Another funny chapter that had me chuckling. Thanks for that.

What was the actual record of the I-29? Were many made? And isn't that a photo of a Yak-2 at the end? Did these become the Yak-2?

(I know: too many serious questions for a funny AAR. Uncle Joe is also quite funny.)

The I-29 was a single prototype of the Yak-2 that was developed as a possible longer ranged fighter. The real life Soviet Union didn't pursue it as a concept.

The Yak-2 itself was used as a short ranged light reconnaissance bomber due to its high speed. Unfortunately, it was forward deployed during Operation Barbarossa, and of the 73 in service around Kiev...only 4 remained 19 days later.

A little over 200 were built total...and production had ceased in April 1941 for other aircraft.

This does show a bit how my tech is starting to lag real time...
 
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A friendly reminder that the 2024 yearly AARland Awards are going on right now.

Place to Make your Votes

Do pop on over there and vote for your favorite AAR and author. It is a really good feature to help raise awareness of the really good works that are going on that might be overlooked...as well as to reward those works which have made your days better this year.

Go on over and vote!
 
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I, Takeshi Oshiro, a Japanese spy masquerading as a mild-mannered fishmonger in the bustling port of Vladivostok, couldn't believe the intel that had slithered its way into my trembling hands. The Soviets had outdone themselves this time, and not with vodka or fur hats, but with a maritime monstrosity that had the potential to tip the scales of the entire arms race. As I pored over the blueprints stolen from a tipsy Russian engineer, the gravity of the situation sank in like a leaden herring in the deep waters of the Pacific. The new submarine was a colossal slap in the face to our own esteemed fleet. With those 180mm guns jutting out like the proud snouts of angry samurai boars and an anti-aircraft arsenal that could give even the most stoic Zero pilot a migraine, this submersible behemoth was not to be trifled with.

The K-Class had been the crème de la crème of underwater warfare, a silent sentinel that had sent many an analyst career to a watery grave, but the new stronk submarine was the new shogun of the sea. The extra 40mm anti-aircraft gun was like an uninvited guest to a tea ceremony, bringing a blend of surprise and annoyance. The speed had dropped, yes, but that was like complaining that your sumo wrestler had put on a few extra pounds; it was still going to crush you beneath its girth. The 25,500-kilometer range was akin to a ninja's ability to traverse continents unnoticed, allowing the Soviets to sneak up on us from the most unexpected angles. And the space for marines? It was as if they were planning a full-scale invasion, with a submarine as the unsuspecting trojan horse.

My mind raced as I tried to digest this whale-sized revelation. The very thought of those burly Russian marines popping out of the sub's belly like daikon from a bento box was enough to make my sushi turn. The implications were as vast as the ocean itself; our navy would need to rethink their entire strategy, or risk being outgunned and outfoxed by this new aquatic nemesis. And here I was, armed with nothing more than a wooden spoon and a pocketful of secrets, trying to warn the Empire of the rising tide that threatened to wash over us like a tsunami of borscht and vodka.

The irony wasn't lost on me. For years, we had chuckled at the Russians' nautical ineptitude, their ships often as reliable as a chopstick in a hurricane. But now, as the smoke from my cigarette curled upwards, mimicking the sinister silhouette of the new submarine, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of admiration for their ingenuity. They had turned the tables, and it was clear that the sea was no longer our exclusive sushi bar. The laughter of the past had turned to a gulp in the throat, as the sobering reality set in: we had underestimated the bear, and now it was time to sober up and face the music. The only question was, how would we get the message to Tokyo without it getting tangled in a fishnet of Soviet spies?
 
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The grandiose Soviet newsreel, with its grainy footage and dramatic orchestral score, continued to regale the captivated audience with tales of their nation's military might. The narrator, his voice a sonorous blend of gravitas and good humor, quipped that the German panzers would be reduced to mere scrap metal before they even had a chance to knock on the doors of the great Motherland. In the heart of the city, amidst the throng of citizens who had gathered in the town square, a young boy named Sasha, eyes wide with patriotic fervor, shouted to his equally enthralled friends, "Did you see that, Ivan? Our T-35s are as plentiful as daisies in a summer meadow!" Ivan, his freckled face a canvas of awe, nodded vigorously. "And those Petlyakov Pe-8s," Sasha went on, "They're so big, the Luftwaffe will mistake them for a squadron of flying apartment buildings!" The crowd chuckled, the tension momentarily lifted by the child's innocent jest. Meanwhile, the narrator's voice grew louder, more emphatic, as he described the invincibility of the mighty K-class submarines. These underwater behemoths, he claimed, could swim circles around the clunky U-boats like they were mere fish in a barrel of borscht.

The film transitioned to scenes of the colossal Pravda and its sibling, the K-class submarine, gliding majestically through the icy waters of the Arctic Ocean. Their hulls, painted in a dazzling array of patriotic colors, reflected the gleaming hope of the Russian people. "Look at them," the narrator boomed, "their silent stealth and brute force, the envy of the seas!" The children, and indeed the adults, watched with a mix of fascination and amusement, for it was widely known that these vessels were more akin to floating fortresses than the sleek predators the narrator described. Yet, the charm of the exaggerated propaganda was not lost on them. It served as a comforting blanket against the cold reality of the war that had just come knocking.

The camaraderie grew as the film showcased the valiant Yak-2 fighters, dancing around the lumbering Petlyakov Pe-8s like nimble ballerinas escorting a prima dona to the stage. Sasha's imagination soared as he pictured the German pilots, their heads spinning in befuddlement as they tried to keep up with the Russian acrobats. "They'll never catch us," he exclaimed, fists clenched in determination. "We'll show them the true colors of our might!" His friends echoed his sentiment, their laughter and cheers blending with the sound of the newsreel's triumphant finale.

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2nd May, 1941

The Vile Germans have declared war on us.

We have:
218 Infantry divisions - with 400 T-35 tanks
36 Cavalry divisions - with 5,544 T-28 m38 tanks
9 Motorized divisions
2 Armored divisions - (T-28 m38s)
4 Paratroop divisions - 258 T-27 tanks
7 Marine divisions - 258 T-37 tanks
9 Mountaineer divisions
17 Garrison divisions
1 HQ division

Our navy has the mighty super heavy battleship the Sovyetskiy Soyuz, and 8 flotillas of K-class subs, and 2 flotillas of Pravda class subs. In addition to some built transports, destroyers, and heavy cruisers.

Our airforce has 16 squadrons of fighters, 8 squadrons of naval bombers, and 5 squadrons of Petylakov Pe-8 strategic bombers with Yak-2 escorts.

We shall see how this force does in the light of actual combat...not just newsreel propaganda...
 
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With those 180mm guns jutting out like the proud snouts of angry samurai boars
Samurai boars...quite the image. I'm imagining a very angry dog with tusks in a Halloween costume.
And here I was, armed with nothing more than a wooden spoon and a pocketful of secrets
Takeshi should be more grateful. That wooden spoon is the best equipment money can buy in Japan.
Yet, the charm of the exaggerated propaganda was not lost on them. It served as a comforting blanket against the cold reality of the war that had just come knocking.
Who will face a cold, unwelcome wakeup call first, the Germans or the Russians?
 
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Samurai boars...quite the image. I'm imagining a very angry dog with tusks in a Halloween costume.

Hehe...gives new meaning to the term 'pig boat'...doesn't it?

Takeshi should be more grateful. That wooden spoon is the best equipment money can buy in Japan.

Indeed.

Though, we will see if the Soviets are still laughing once the Wehrmacht rolls onto us...

Who will face a cold, unwelcome wakeup call first, the Germans or the Russians?

I'm actually not sure. I am feeling low on infantry divisions, and I am playing under the handicap of keeping the Soviet land war doctrines...but I've never lost as the Soviets in any Hearts of Iron game...so...optimistic of final victory?
 
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1st Half of May 1941

The hapless staff officer, a man whose monocle had slid down his sweat-drenched brow more times than he cared to count, surveyed the sea of red and blue pins that cluttered the map table before him. The crimson needles, which once pointed triumphantly towards the gleaming prize of Leningrad and the gateway to the east, now looked more like the scattered teeth of a rotten smile, with the blue pins of the Soviet 8th Army stubbornly lodged between the gaps. The air in the German Army Group North Headquarters had grown thick with the acrid scent of defeat masquerading as cigar smoke, as the generals barked out orders and the telephones squawked like caged birds. Colonel Gustav von Schlappschuss, the very picture of a man whose name was more intimidating than his tactical acumen, could not fathom the audacity of the Soviets. The T-35 monsters, with their quaintly outsized turrets and a seemingly endless supply of angst for his panzer crews, had transformed the once orderly blitzkrieg ballet into a chaotic tarantella of explosions and retreating treads.

"Ja, ja," Gustav murmured to no one in particular, stroking his meticulously groomed mustache as he contemplated the dire situation. The Panzer III, the pride of the German armored forces, had been rendered about as effective as a paper knife in a butchery contest. The heavy tanks, which the Wehrmacht had so confidently dismissed as mere curiosities from a bygone era, had turned into the bane of their existence. The Soviet beasts had a curious knack for playing a game of mechanical peekaboo, emerging from the dense foliage only to vanish again, leaving behind a trail of twisted metal and charred dreams. The infantry, bless their hearts, had done their best, lobbing grenades and prayers with equal fervor, but they had been about as effective as a toddler armed with a water pistol against a horde of angry ducks.

The plot twist that never came had Gustav feeling like the straight man in a comedy show that had gone off the rails. He had expected a grand entrance from the Luftwaffe, a chorus line of Stukas to swoop in and lay down a symphony of destruction upon the enemy's heads. But alas, the skies remained as empty as his wine glass at this ungodly hour, the planes apparently too busy serenading the poor saps pushing towards Brest. Gustav knew the score—his drive had been the neglected middle child in this war's dysfunctional family, and it stung.

As he pondered his next move, the distant rumble grew louder, like the displeased grumbling of a giant's stomach. The T-28s, those lumbering leviathans of the Soviet medium tank arsenal, were on their way, no doubt eager to add their weight to the chaos. Gustav felt his heart sink to the depths of his highly polished boots. A retreat was inevitable, a humiliating backpedal from the very jaws of victory. The order would have to be given, the blame cast elsewhere, and the story of the day's failure would be scribbled down in the annals of war with the finest ink of irony. He glanced at the clock—still ticking, as if mocking the immutable flow of fate. With a sigh that could have deflated the most robust of Zeppelins, he reached for the telephone, ready to relay the grim news up the chain of command. The dance of power had taken an unexpected turn, and Gustav found himself stepping on his own feet.

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The citizens of Trondheim, who had been huddled in their homes with the solemnity of mice anticipating a catastrophic feline entrance, were now greeted with the peculiar sight of the ocean's fury playing out before their very eyes. The horizon, once a serene canvas of navy blues and steely grays, had transformed into a tumultuous masterpiece of fire and brimstone. The omnipotent Soviet colossus, the Sovyetsky Soyuz, had emerged from the frosty mists like a mythical leviathan, its guns roaring with the indignant fury of a nation unaccustomed to the icy embrace of the Arctic. The German ships, once proud and gleaming under the Nordic sun, now resembled a conga line of matchsticks being snapped in the jaws of a giant. Each explosion sent a cacophony of splinters skyward, creating a macabre fireworks display that reflected in the shocked gazes of the onlookers. The sea, once a silent witness to the unfolding drama of war, had become a raucous participant, its waves dancing in a grim ballet of destruction. Meanwhile, young Olaf, who had dreamt of the day when he would join the fray as a gallant warrior, found his coming of age narrative unexpectedly rewritten. Instead of charging into battle, he found himself running a makeshift tea stand, serving the trembling soldiers and sailors who had stumbled upon the shores to be taken prisoner. The irony of the Soviets achieving their first significant victory on the high seas was not lost on the townsfolk, who had grown accustomed to the land-based blitzkrieg that had become the hallmark of the Third Reich. Yet, as the last plume of black smoke dissipated into the chilly air, the only invaders left to confront in Trondheim were the seagulls, squawking over the spoils of war like unruly siblings fighting over a discarded fish head. The town, though relieved of its immediate danger, was left to grapple with the peculiar aftertaste of a victory that was not quite their own, but a spectacle that none would soon forget.

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I, a mere mechanic in the grand scheme of the Soviet Air Force, watched with a peculiar mix of awe and amusement as the lumbering giants of the sky, the Petlyakov Pe-8s, took off from the airfield at Kiev like a gaggle of ducks with a vendetta. They were a motley crew of metal monstrosities, patched up with a mishmash of parts that would make even the most stoic of engineers weep. Yet, they held an allure, a promise of power that could shake the very foundations of the enemy's war machine. Their mission was clear, though the irony was not lost on us: to disrupt the very veins and arteries of the Wehrmacht's relentless march into Belarussia. It was a task that seemed almost whimsical in its futility, but the pilots and crew, bless their valiant souls, approached it with the gusto of a tavern brawler in a vodka-soaked haze.

The Yak-2s, our feathered guardians, flitted about the skies like overgrown mosquitoes, their engines buzzing a tune of defiance as they escorted the Petlyakovs. The pilots of these nimble fighters had the unenviable job of playing shepherd to the bombers' lambs, trying to lead them through the gauntlet of Messerschmitts that awaited like vultures around a carcass. The first few sorties were tense, our hearts in our throats as we waited for the grim tapestry of war to unfurl. To our surprise, the engagements were less like the one-sided slaughters we'd anticipated and more like a dance of death, a ballet with bullets and bombs. The Luftwaffe's BF-109Fs were indeed formidable foes, but our pilots had a knack for turning the tables, using the very chaos of combat to their advantage. They were the jesters in this grim masquerade, darting and weaving with a grace that belied their mechanical steeds' cumbersome reputation.

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into a blur of oil, sweat, and engine grease, the pattern of our engagements began to resemble a strange ritual. We'd send out our heavy metal birds of war, expecting them to be picked off one by one, only to watch as they returned, bruised but not broken, with tales of their escapades. The Yaks, too, had their moments of glory, their pilots becoming the stuff of barrack-room legend, spinning yarns of their daring do that had even the stoic sergeants chuckling into their steaming bowls of borscht. It was as if the gods themselves had decided to play dice with our fates, each roll determining whether we'd laugh in the face of death or mourn our comrades' passing. And yet, amidst this macabre farce, we found a strange camaraderie, an identity not just as cogs in the great Soviet war machine, but as the unsung heroes of the skies, the ones who kept the ducks flying.

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About a week into the fighting, and the Germans have taken Brest, but are in the midst of being counter-attacked. Their drive on Riga was initially successful, but has been pushed back due to the unexpectedly dogged resistance of our forces equipped with the T-35 heavy tanks, and the intervention of one of our cavalry corps, with T-28 medium tanks. Our success here is likely short lived, as the Germans are heavily reinforcing this drive and my current forces aren't numerous enough to fully halt it.

In the center, the drive towards Minsk has been halted due to the German's repositioning forces to push towards Riga. In the south, we have had success in attacking Hungary and Romania. The hope is to force the Germans to spread out more and force them into reacting to us. I am in no way ready for full scale offensives...but so far the AI is proving to be it's own worst enemy. :)

The number of German armor divisions is disquieting...and I am grateful I have researched anti-tank weaponry to try to give my boys a fighting chance. I am also glad the enemy mostly has only Panzer IIIs...and not Panzer IVs.

In the air, the Luftwaffe has not really been present very much. Our fighters have given the enemy bombers a bloody nose...and our strategic bomber force is taking losses but not catastrophic ones. This is pretty much as good as I was hoping, since I have tried not to focus heavily on air units. I suspect I have the Royal Air Force to thank for the limited number of German aircraft I am facing.

The big surprise has come at sea. The Germans finally invaded Norway...they landed troops at Bergen successfully, and a force was heading for Narvik and ran directly into the arms of my super heavy battleship. No transport survived. It was a glorious slaughter. I will now send my K-class submarines to raid the German supply lines to Bergen. Time to feast on convoys. The Baltic / Iron road is closed to the Germans for now. Unfortunately, I can't send Soviet forces into Norway because they aren't actually in my faction...but the sea doesn't care about nationality...and my navy has done well!
 
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