And a dog shall lead them into peril.
Well, a dog and a general. How much of a threat are the Manchu?
Well, a dog and a general. How much of a threat are the Manchu?
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Ah ah ah
MANCHUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
Well this could be awkward. Of course, I find the preemptive strike that then exposes Tver to another preemptive strike to be most
funny.
MANCHUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
Well this could be awkward. Of course, I find the preemptive strike that then exposes Tver to another preemptive strike to be most
funny.
Well...best of luck!
With the long movement times between eastern Russian (excuse me, Tverian) provinces, can you raise mercenaries to scorch the land and deal with Austria first, and hope war exhaustion encourages Ming to attack Manchu? I seem to recall China being divided pretty evenly between them.
Needless to say I'm looking forward to next update, and hope Bunzle figures prominently in someones untimely demise. By accident of course; he looks a little, eh..challenged?
With the long movement times between eastern Russian (excuse me, Tverian) provinces, can you raise mercenaries to scorch the land and deal with Austria first, and hope war exhaustion encourages Ming to attack Manchu? I seem to recall China being divided pretty evenly between them.
Needless to say I'm looking forward to next update, and hope Bunzle figures prominently in someones untimely demise. By accident of course; he looks a little, eh..challenged?
Nothing can be allowed to distract from the successful Austrian campaign. Once that is done, the Manchu can feel the full weight of Tverian steel.
ach you saved the worst to last ...
this Manchu problem ... you do have an army in the East don't you?
Keeping Tver as Tver and not renaming to Russia is quite a move 
Although by that time people would've surely come to call it "Tveria".
Although by that time people would've surely come to call it "Tveria".
You've got wars along almost your entire border, a yappy dog that will either die instantly or outlast its owner, and a bottomless barrel full of puns. Tver looks like it's in the best situation it has ever been in.
...I was listening to Wagner's Walküre when I opened this AAR. Needless to say the Valkyries are a-riding
How very prescient of you
I think Kashinsky would have enjoyed Wagner. Hopefully just for the music rather than for some of the less wholesome stuff, mind you.I'm not a dog person, but it just seemed to suit him somehow.
I've exaggerated a bit for dramatic effect, Manchu aren't that nasty. Medium-sized army at best, and lower tech than my boys. My main problem is that that area's full of colonies an zero-level fort new provinces.
I did kind of deserve that. The AI cetainly believes in Carpe Diem, though I'm not sure it always thinks it through properly. Keeps things exciting!
That would have been an idea. In the end I trusted my eastern armies to deal with them, but they were outnumbered and some mercs could have been a good shout in hindsight. Cash certainly isn't a problem.
Great to know you're looking forward to future posts, that's the kind of thing that keeps me wanting to create them
And yes, Bunzle is no Border Collie in the intelligence stakes. Enthusiasm over wisdom is his forte.He's certainly nicer than the Kaczyńskis of Poland...but yes, he's quite fun to write and he gave me a chance to introduce 18th Century outfits into the 'art'.
Heh. I don't really have a long-term plan for them since I'm more interested in taking European provinces. Though I wouldn't mind getting in on the tea trade, mainly because I drink a lot of tea.
That's pretty much how I worked it. I don't have the multi-tasking skills to fight on two fronts effectively, though, again, they had a good crack at my colonies.
I meant to give credit to the AAR by that name but couldn't find it...
And I do, it's not huge but it should be enough to deal with them.
Keeping Tver as Tver and not renaming to Russia is quite a move
I like 'Tveria' or 'Tuveria'.
If I became Russia I'd get done by Trading Standards, it says Tver in the title!'a thousand angry [Manchu] wanna come out and play,
all hell is breaking loose and I like it this way' (10 pts for the reference)
And the pun barrel is deep, though I still manage the scrape the bottom pretty often...
Well, if you insist...
Episode LXXI: Morituri Tver Salutant
Archduke's Palace, Vienna, Archduchy of Austria, 1700
It was evening in Vienna, a time typically associated with courtship dancing in the City of Music. This day, though, the atmosphere in this most beautiful of Europe's cities was entirely unsuited to celebration, and nowhere was this clearer than within the palace of the Archduke.
The Archduke sat upon his throne, head in his hands, as his chancellor entered with the politest cough he could muster.
'What now, Chancellor.'
'I'm sorry, sir, but it is important.'
'How did it all go wrong, Chancellor? What happen?'
'Someone set us up all wrong.'
'Why are you here?'
'We've got diplomat.'
'Get it over with. Main door open.'
The door swung open, and in walked Vladimir Catsov, diplomat from the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver. His look was one of smug satisfaction.
The Archduke's glare bored into the Tverian.
'It's you.'
'How are you gentlemen?'
wait for it...
'All your Thrace are belong to us.'
The Tverian attack had caught the Austrians unaware, beginning with a massive assault on the border city of Pressburg. But Austria's armies in Turkey were able to attack the Commonwealth's Caspian Sea provinces unmolested. The situation was unfortunate, but with good progress being made on the secondary battle front, surely Tver would have to change tactics to deal with the advance? Astrakhan, the rich centre of trade for the centre of the Imperial Commonwealth, was swiftly taken by the Austrian armies, who moved westwards towards Tver's European holdings.
But the Tverian attack, like a Glaswegian rugby team's advance on the local chippie, was relentless. Lord Protector Zinivoy Kashinsky was a ruthless, bloody-minded soldier forged in the fires of battles with western opponents. He knew that there was little to be gained in trying to defend: Austria had too many troops in the eastern part of her empire. Provinces were prioritised, sacrifices were made. The European coalition were shocked: Russians condoning casualties as acceptable?
And it paid off. The Austrians took one of Tver's richest cities, but as they did so, Commonwealth troops charged into the Austrian heartland, and broke through the outer defences of Vienna, capturing the entire province bar the inner defences of the Archduke's Palace.
The move shocked Austria's generals: Tver had pulled the same move during the last war, but in desperation, not as a pre-planned, orchestrated assault like this. In the Lord Protector's Residence, Zinoviy Kashinsky looked at his war maps with a satisfied smile.
'Vienna and Pressburg are ours, Dobczyńska!'
'Like my aunt's courting my aunt, sir: they don't know what hit them.'
'The advantage of surprise: waiting for when your prey is most vulnerable, then BANG!'
'Very handy with a club was Auntie Margaret...'
'We're right into them, right in amongst them. Like you in that chicken coop, eh Bunzle?'
Excited, bouncy yapping came from the dog's mouth, as did feathers. A lot of feathers.
'Now we must...yes, Telyatevsky, what is it?'
Lord Telyatevsky, hovering in the chamber's shadows, cleared his throat, as was his way.
'I have completed the statistical analysis of the Glorious Tverian Imperialist War, sir.'
'Which tells us what?'
'That you are winning, sir.'
'Dobczyńska told me that. I told me that. Bunzle would have told me that if he spoke Russian.'
'I thought you would be interested in the minutiae of your successes thus far, sir.'
'You thought mistakenly, as I, mercifully, am not you.'
An awkward silence hung in the air like a helium-inflated badger. Dobczyńska coughed quietly.
'So where now, sir?'
'Onwards, Dobczyńska! We have Austria itself, now for their empire. No respite, no chance to relax! We must keep hitting them!'
'I thought that gentlemen did not hit another gentleman when down, sir.'
'Nonsense, Telyatevsky! It's the best time to hit them! Come, Dobczyńska, sweep our valiant armies into the Balkans! Next stop, Sarajevo!'
'They'll be Saraj they Evo attacked us, sir.'
Lord Telyatevsky looked concerned. This was nothing unusual: he always looked concerned. It was widely suspected that he had been born that way.
'And what, Lord Protector, of the Manchu?'
'What about them, Telyatevsky?'
'They attacked us, in ominous fashion.'
'Ah...did the person writing the report end with it or some such overly dramatic nonsense?'
'Yes, sir.'
'Not a problem! Dealt with! Sent an army to invade their capital. They took some of our colonies – even seized a couple, had to seize them back! But as soon as we overran their capital, they begged for peace.'
'Your repertoire, if I may say so sir, is startlingly limited.'
'You may not say so.'
'Too late.'
'We are getting a bit repetitive, sir', said Dobczyńska, chiming in like a particularly wholesome clock.
'Why should we change something that had served us so well in the past?'
'Variety is the spice of life.'
'The spiciest spice is loathsome in its own spiciness, Dobczyńska! You can have too much variety!'
The Tverian war machine swept through the Balkans like hot butter through a particularly flimsy knife. Bosnia fell swiftly, but the Tverian troops did not besiege every city they came across: for they had a greater goal in sight.
'We have already taken one of Europe's finest cities – now for another!'
'We have total control of the seas, sir: Constantinople is already blockaded. The siege will be short.'
'Then make it happen, Dobczyńska. The City of the World's Desire shall be ours!'
'Thus making it the city of everyone but our desire.'
'You're over thinking this, Dobczyńska.'
The loss not only of her capital and heartland, but also the second city of her overextended empire, was a catastrophic blow to Austrian morale. The loss of Vienna was just about survivable – like the Commonwealth of Tver, the Austrian Empire had more than one power centre – but Constantinople was the essential link between her Middle Eastern provinces and her European home territories. Its defenders weakened by Admiral Tviersky's naval blockade, the city fell into Tverian hands – and with it went all hope of an Austrian revival.
The peace offer was punishing. Pressburg, the first city to fall, would be ceded to the Commonwealth, adding yet another former capital city to her territories. Budjak, Silistria and Burgas would consolidate her control of the Black Sea, but the greatest blow of all was the forfeiture of Constantinople. The former heart of the eastern Roman Empire, the seat of the Ottoman Emperors before being seized by the Austrians in the sixteenth century, the city would change hands once more, becoming one more major city of the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver.
Austria was far from finished, but Tver's advances into her territories were considerable, reinforcing the Commonwealth's control of the seas and almost splitting the Austrian Empire in half. More Hungarian territory had been acquired, reinforcing the Lord Protector's grip on Central Europe.
Europe was changing – Austria had suffered a heavy defeat, and once-powerful Bohemia was a fractured mess. In their isolated Hungarian holdings, the movement for independence was gaining momentum as the people realised the insanity of allowing themselves to be ruled by another country clinging to dreams of former glory while plundering their resources.
Lord Protector Kashinsky was a satisfied man. The victory would go down as one of the greatest in the history of Tver, avenging the bloody defeat at the hands of the Austrians just a few years previously.
'Glory, Dobczyńska! The glory of the battlefield, of conquest, of enrichment and success.'
'Very well done. But don't let it go to your head, sir.'
'Why not? I think I've earned a little celebration. Haven't I, Bunzle?'
Bunzle yapped affirmatively.
'All the same, sir...'
'What, Telyatevsky?'
'Credit is also due to others, sir. Perhaps you should be...tactful.'
'What, like you? My little accountant, drawing diagrams and lists when I was fighting for the honour of the Commonwealth?'
'You would take all the credit? Where would you be if it wasn't for your soldiers, your generals, your sailors, all the people who made your grand visions into reality?'
'I have been planning for this victory for years, Telyaevsky! As the Austrians rampaged through our territory, while my beloved predecessor waited as they conquered our cities and destroyed our ships!'
'That's not fair!'
'Is it, Dobczyńska? Oh, he had his points, but he never had the stomach for a war with the Austrians. I have delivered something that no Tverian leader has delivered in hundreds of years!'
'You bastard.'
'Me, Dobczyńska, or your son!'
'I'll kill you, you...'
'Kill me? Tver may permit you one act of regicide, but it won't allow you another. Now get out of my sight, both of you.'
'You both need a reminder of your places. I serve Tver, and you serve me. Give me an apple, Telyatevsky! Bunzle needs something to chase.'
'We will review your position, Telyatevsky. Perhaps you have been overpromoted. Heaven, what need have I for you? I could do everything that you do, couldn't I Bunzle? Chase, boy!'
'I think, sir, that it is yourself you overestimate.'
'Ha. Well, we will have to see won't we? Or rather, I will see. Because you won't be with me to see it. I'm having you removed from office, Telyatevsky, no more advisor positon for you! I'll dissolve the council, run the country myself! And once I have done so for a few years, who knows what further honours will be bestowed upon me?'
After all, what could possibly go wrong?'
'...mummy?.'
Archduke's Palace, Vienna, Archduchy of Austria, 1700
It was evening in Vienna, a time typically associated with courtship dancing in the City of Music. This day, though, the atmosphere in this most beautiful of Europe's cities was entirely unsuited to celebration, and nowhere was this clearer than within the palace of the Archduke.
The Archduke sat upon his throne, head in his hands, as his chancellor entered with the politest cough he could muster.
'What now, Chancellor.'
'I'm sorry, sir, but it is important.'
'How did it all go wrong, Chancellor? What happen?'
'Someone set us up all wrong.'
'Why are you here?'
'We've got diplomat.'
'Get it over with. Main door open.'
The door swung open, and in walked Vladimir Catsov, diplomat from the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver. His look was one of smug satisfaction.
The Archduke's glare bored into the Tverian.
'It's you.'
'How are you gentlemen?'
wait for it...
'All your Thrace are belong to us.'
The Tverian attack had caught the Austrians unaware, beginning with a massive assault on the border city of Pressburg. But Austria's armies in Turkey were able to attack the Commonwealth's Caspian Sea provinces unmolested. The situation was unfortunate, but with good progress being made on the secondary battle front, surely Tver would have to change tactics to deal with the advance? Astrakhan, the rich centre of trade for the centre of the Imperial Commonwealth, was swiftly taken by the Austrian armies, who moved westwards towards Tver's European holdings.
But the Tverian attack, like a Glaswegian rugby team's advance on the local chippie, was relentless. Lord Protector Zinivoy Kashinsky was a ruthless, bloody-minded soldier forged in the fires of battles with western opponents. He knew that there was little to be gained in trying to defend: Austria had too many troops in the eastern part of her empire. Provinces were prioritised, sacrifices were made. The European coalition were shocked: Russians condoning casualties as acceptable?
And it paid off. The Austrians took one of Tver's richest cities, but as they did so, Commonwealth troops charged into the Austrian heartland, and broke through the outer defences of Vienna, capturing the entire province bar the inner defences of the Archduke's Palace.
The move shocked Austria's generals: Tver had pulled the same move during the last war, but in desperation, not as a pre-planned, orchestrated assault like this. In the Lord Protector's Residence, Zinoviy Kashinsky looked at his war maps with a satisfied smile.
'Vienna and Pressburg are ours, Dobczyńska!'
'Like my aunt's courting my aunt, sir: they don't know what hit them.'
'The advantage of surprise: waiting for when your prey is most vulnerable, then BANG!'
'Very handy with a club was Auntie Margaret...'
'We're right into them, right in amongst them. Like you in that chicken coop, eh Bunzle?'
Excited, bouncy yapping came from the dog's mouth, as did feathers. A lot of feathers.
'Now we must...yes, Telyatevsky, what is it?'
Lord Telyatevsky, hovering in the chamber's shadows, cleared his throat, as was his way.
'I have completed the statistical analysis of the Glorious Tverian Imperialist War, sir.'
'Which tells us what?'
'That you are winning, sir.'
'Dobczyńska told me that. I told me that. Bunzle would have told me that if he spoke Russian.'
'I thought you would be interested in the minutiae of your successes thus far, sir.'
'You thought mistakenly, as I, mercifully, am not you.'
An awkward silence hung in the air like a helium-inflated badger. Dobczyńska coughed quietly.
'So where now, sir?'
'Onwards, Dobczyńska! We have Austria itself, now for their empire. No respite, no chance to relax! We must keep hitting them!'
'I thought that gentlemen did not hit another gentleman when down, sir.'
'Nonsense, Telyatevsky! It's the best time to hit them! Come, Dobczyńska, sweep our valiant armies into the Balkans! Next stop, Sarajevo!'
'They'll be Saraj they Evo attacked us, sir.'
Lord Telyatevsky looked concerned. This was nothing unusual: he always looked concerned. It was widely suspected that he had been born that way.
'And what, Lord Protector, of the Manchu?'
'What about them, Telyatevsky?'
'They attacked us, in ominous fashion.'
'Ah...did the person writing the report end with it or some such overly dramatic nonsense?'
'Yes, sir.'
'Not a problem! Dealt with! Sent an army to invade their capital. They took some of our colonies – even seized a couple, had to seize them back! But as soon as we overran their capital, they begged for peace.'
'Your repertoire, if I may say so sir, is startlingly limited.'
'You may not say so.'
'Too late.'
'We are getting a bit repetitive, sir', said Dobczyńska, chiming in like a particularly wholesome clock.
'Why should we change something that had served us so well in the past?'
'Variety is the spice of life.'
'The spiciest spice is loathsome in its own spiciness, Dobczyńska! You can have too much variety!'
The Tverian war machine swept through the Balkans like hot butter through a particularly flimsy knife. Bosnia fell swiftly, but the Tverian troops did not besiege every city they came across: for they had a greater goal in sight.
'We have already taken one of Europe's finest cities – now for another!'
'We have total control of the seas, sir: Constantinople is already blockaded. The siege will be short.'
'Then make it happen, Dobczyńska. The City of the World's Desire shall be ours!'
'Thus making it the city of everyone but our desire.'
'You're over thinking this, Dobczyńska.'
The loss not only of her capital and heartland, but also the second city of her overextended empire, was a catastrophic blow to Austrian morale. The loss of Vienna was just about survivable – like the Commonwealth of Tver, the Austrian Empire had more than one power centre – but Constantinople was the essential link between her Middle Eastern provinces and her European home territories. Its defenders weakened by Admiral Tviersky's naval blockade, the city fell into Tverian hands – and with it went all hope of an Austrian revival.
The peace offer was punishing. Pressburg, the first city to fall, would be ceded to the Commonwealth, adding yet another former capital city to her territories. Budjak, Silistria and Burgas would consolidate her control of the Black Sea, but the greatest blow of all was the forfeiture of Constantinople. The former heart of the eastern Roman Empire, the seat of the Ottoman Emperors before being seized by the Austrians in the sixteenth century, the city would change hands once more, becoming one more major city of the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver.
Austria was far from finished, but Tver's advances into her territories were considerable, reinforcing the Commonwealth's control of the seas and almost splitting the Austrian Empire in half. More Hungarian territory had been acquired, reinforcing the Lord Protector's grip on Central Europe.
Europe was changing – Austria had suffered a heavy defeat, and once-powerful Bohemia was a fractured mess. In their isolated Hungarian holdings, the movement for independence was gaining momentum as the people realised the insanity of allowing themselves to be ruled by another country clinging to dreams of former glory while plundering their resources.
Lord Protector Kashinsky was a satisfied man. The victory would go down as one of the greatest in the history of Tver, avenging the bloody defeat at the hands of the Austrians just a few years previously.
'Glory, Dobczyńska! The glory of the battlefield, of conquest, of enrichment and success.'
'Very well done. But don't let it go to your head, sir.'
'Why not? I think I've earned a little celebration. Haven't I, Bunzle?'
Bunzle yapped affirmatively.
'All the same, sir...'
'What, Telyatevsky?'
'Credit is also due to others, sir. Perhaps you should be...tactful.'
'What, like you? My little accountant, drawing diagrams and lists when I was fighting for the honour of the Commonwealth?'
'You would take all the credit? Where would you be if it wasn't for your soldiers, your generals, your sailors, all the people who made your grand visions into reality?'
'I have been planning for this victory for years, Telyaevsky! As the Austrians rampaged through our territory, while my beloved predecessor waited as they conquered our cities and destroyed our ships!'
'That's not fair!'
'Is it, Dobczyńska? Oh, he had his points, but he never had the stomach for a war with the Austrians. I have delivered something that no Tverian leader has delivered in hundreds of years!'
'You bastard.'
'Me, Dobczyńska, or your son!'
'I'll kill you, you...'
'Kill me? Tver may permit you one act of regicide, but it won't allow you another. Now get out of my sight, both of you.'
'You both need a reminder of your places. I serve Tver, and you serve me. Give me an apple, Telyatevsky! Bunzle needs something to chase.'
'We will review your position, Telyatevsky. Perhaps you have been overpromoted. Heaven, what need have I for you? I could do everything that you do, couldn't I Bunzle? Chase, boy!'
'I think, sir, that it is yourself you overestimate.'
'Ha. Well, we will have to see won't we? Or rather, I will see. Because you won't be with me to see it. I'm having you removed from office, Telyatevsky, no more advisor positon for you! I'll dissolve the council, run the country myself! And once I have done so for a few years, who knows what further honours will be bestowed upon me?'
After all, what could possibly go wrong?'
'...mummy?.'
impressive and creative death there ... up with your best
impressive line:
and a useful set of stats on Mitrofan, presume you could do with some peace to burn down infamy?
The war exhaustion you inflicted on the Austrians is going to give them some bad problems too
impressive line:
... of course the badger is completely safe until our glorious ruler's badback is solved and he can go hunting again
and a useful set of stats on Mitrofan, presume you could do with some peace to burn down infamy?
The war exhaustion you inflicted on the Austrians is going to give them some bad problems too
Yessss. A glorious war and a glorious Tverian exchange of power. I am very happy to know that they have not given up on their traditions.
Hot butter. I don't know why, but I really like that one.
Hot butter. I don't know why, but I really like that one.
You must've reached really deep to find that Sarajevo pun. I hope poor Bunzle wasn't hurt in the assassination accident. Surely he should be lauded for his role in saving Tver from a nascent tyrant. Telyatevsky looks like a man whose either had too much coffee or not enough.
Another change of power in Tver. Let's hope that he'll survive longer than the last one.
They need to make a law that bans animals, alive or otherwise, in the palace. They seem to bring nothing but trouble.
Also, I have to wonder how do you come up with all these geographical puns- do you employ special mind excersises or do they just come when you're writing?
As always, looking forward to more.
though judging by his stats that's not likely
Also, I have to wonder how do you come up with all these geographical puns- do you employ special mind excersises or do they just come when you're writing?
As always, looking forward to more.
Masterfully masterful stuff.
I've slowly been catching up with this over the last week and the updates have been filled with far too many cracking puns, but one which in particular made me wince (in a good way)...
Quite the changes to the Empire too. Gone the Rurikovichs from power (rather missed to my mind), a Commonwealth now! I wasn't much of a fan of Mitrofan thus I cannot lament his passing. I quite liked Kashinsky for the short time he was with us (yap!), and now with the bookish Telyatevsky I wonder if he'll prove something of a Aleksandr V (another I liked).
Anyway, Austria now Manchu'd, a new ruler elected and doubtless more Tverrific updates ahead!
I've slowly been catching up with this over the last week and the updates have been filled with far too many cracking puns, but one which in particular made me wince (in a good way)...
Quite the changes to the Empire too. Gone the Rurikovichs from power (rather missed to my mind), a Commonwealth now! I wasn't much of a fan of Mitrofan thus I cannot lament his passing. I quite liked Kashinsky for the short time he was with us (yap!), and now with the bookish Telyatevsky I wonder if he'll prove something of a Aleksandr V (another I liked).
Anyway, Austria now Manchu'd, a new ruler elected and doubtless more Tverrific updates ahead!
Tver sure saves a lot of money on the logistics behind a proper electoral process.
Hey, nothing wrong with Tyrants. They called them Rurikoviches at one point. Good respectful group that.
