Episode LXXVI: A WinTver's Tale
Royal Palace, City of Kraków, Kingdom of Poland, Imperial Commonwealth of Tver 1748
It is a well-known fact that hard work and enthusiasm can overcome any obstacle. It is also, observed Przemysław Malcolm Dobczyński,a load of nonsense, as proven, at that particular moment, by the activities of Czar Yuriy Sugorsky of the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver. His Majesty was seated in the music room of the Royal palace in Kraków, giving the pianoforte a good seeing-to. Dobczyński, having just entered, was trying to convince his ears not to haemorrhage in the presence of the most powerful man in the world, which would be most embarassing.
'Morning Dobczyński!'
'What?'
'I said Morning Dob...take those ridiculous earmuffs off.'
'Yes sir.' The earmuffs, property of the Czar's sister, had been conveniently lying nearby (or at least so Dobczyński would claim if the matter ever came to a court of law).
'Why were you wearing women's headgear? I know you have unusual tastes, but...'
'Sir, while I normally enjoy you exercising your abundant energies, I have to make an exception for your piano playing.'
'What's the matter?'
'My ears hurt.'
'You don't like my playing?'
'No.'
'You don't enjoy music?'
'I do enjoy music, sir, which is why I don't like your piano playing. Perhaps for the moment we should focus on the defence of the realm.'
'Oh. Oh, very well.' The Czar rotated on the piano stool. 'So. Where should we start?'
'The Extremely Challenging And Completely Proportionate War With Ferrara, sir.'
'Ah. In fair Verona, where we set our scene.'
'A beautiful city, but our forces have no time to dally. Will they put up a fight?'
'Looks like it, sir. They're certainly Shaking their Spears at our troops. Showing plenty of Will.'
'Oh well. I suppose you wouldn't want it to be too easy.'
'Indeed, sir. The sweetest honey is loathsome in its own deliciousness, after all.'
'Joining in this war does seem rather suicidal.'
'Ah, but it would be rather unmanly not to. To be or not to be, that is the question...'
'Duke Prospero's a fiery fellow.'
'I'm sure he's stirred up a few Tempests.'
'I hear that after an incident with their merchants last year, Scots aren't allowed into Verona centre.'
'A Callie ban?'
'Let's get on with it, shall we...'
'Well, that was over quickly.'
'Not often you say that...'
'I expected a bit more resistance from them, after all that bluster.'
'They were full of sound and fury, sir. Signifying nothing.'
'So. Shall we find out what's going on in Bohemia?'
'Good idea, sir. Let's Czech.'
'Just the paperwork to do then?'
'Aye, sir. Finally, Prague will officially join the Commonwealth, and reap the benefits of Tverian tourism for all eternity.'
'Praise be.'
'And what about Hungary?'
'Dealt with very quickly, sir. No trouble.'
'Their technology isn't up to much. Half their troops are still using pikes!'
'I thought you liked long-shafted Poles, sir.'
'So with Hungary subjugated, I think it's time they became our vassal.'
'Shrewd, sir. Another vassal would be useful, and their territory isn't very rich anyway.'
'Would you mind having A Little Word with the Duke?'
'King.'
'
Duke.'
'Ah. Certainly, sir. Poles and Hungarians get on well anyway.'
'Really?'
'We like drinking and fighting.
Polak, Węgier, dwa bratanki, i do szabli, i do szklanki as we say.'
'Must you?'
'And anyway, I've always had a thing for Pecs...'
'I think we can let Ferrara go, though. I don't want our reputation to get too bad.'
'Are you sure sir? Northern Italy is rich, and we can afford the man power.'
'Maybe later. I'm not Bohemia.'
'Actually, you are now.'
'Well. In character. I'm not going to pick up random unconnected pieces of land. They should be suitably chastised. That will do for now.'
'Very well, sir.'
The Czar relaxed on his piano stool.
'Ah. The sweet aroma of peace.'
'Yes sir. Though it comes with its own challenges.'
'Well, yes. That little incident yesterday at the ceremony...was it that bad? Really?'
'You did mispronounce the name of one of the most famous wars in this country's history, before getting drunk and falling over a bollard. Prominent academics and military personnel say that you made an arse of yourself.'
'Did I make an arse of myself?'
'Well, your breeches are rather tight...'
'..and the clergy are unhappy about it as well.'
'How unhappy?'
'So unhappy that they complained twice.'
'This is escalating. In a bad way.'
'Very much so, sir. People are calling you careless, clumsy, even disrespectful.'
'What can I do?'
'Either execute your critics – which would be evil – or embrace the reputation.'
'Well?'
'Cut your losses, sir. There are advantages to infamy. Machiavelli said so.'
'How many conspirators are there?'
'Not many, sir, but prominent enough to be trouble. Spreading rumours about you, lining their pockets with the state's wealth, taking bribes from foreign powers.'
'Despicable.'
'Yes sir. It's going to cause economic trouble.'
'The treasury is worried about prices going up as a result.'
'What's the alternative?'
'Further instability.'
'Well. You'll deal with it?'
'Always happy to deal with your inflation issues, sir.'
'Well. Clearly peace doesn't suit our nobility. They need to be distrected.'
'Are you talking about
another war?'
'Yes, Dobczyński. One last one, for the moment at least.'
'Where are we going?'
The Czar smiled. 'Vienna.'
'Ah...this might work. I've always liked Vienna. There's at least one cult there who thinks I'm a God.'
'Really?'
'I think it's the hair.'
'How did you react?'
'I thought “ Rock me, I'm a Deus.” '
'So. No objections?'
'No, sir. Vienna is surrounded by our provinces – and my father swore that either he would see Vienna annexed, or I would. Time to complete his vengeance.'
'So. The Duke of Burgundy becomes Emperor, and immediately he has to fight us!'
'Part of the job, sir. Though I doubt he'll make any serious moves against us.'
'He's just there to support the others.'
'Exactly. He's an Anchorman.'
The main Tverian forces marched straight for Vienna – not for the usual tactical reasons, but with the express intention of capturing their prize for the glory of the Empire. Vienna was to become a new regional capital of the Commonwealth, and the Czar wanted to see it for himself.
Austria had rebuilt some of her larger forces, but they were once more scattered across the continents of her empire: and those in Austria and the Balkans were vastly outnumbered by their attackers. Dobczyński made a priority of hunting down Austria's larger armies: if they could be destroyed, this war would be over swiftly, with her forces in Turkey trapped across the Sea of Marmara.
Austria's armies, though, were still dangerous, and one of her forces in Bulgaria managed to pounce upon an isolated Tverian army. The order was given to retreat, but the army for some reason did not, and allowed themselves to be completely annihilated by the Austrian force.
Revenge would occur, though, at the Battle of Graz, where the largest force within two hundred kilometres of Vienna was destroyed by a coordinated Tverian assault. Once more, the hated enemy's heartlands were wide open for Imperial occupation.
A second powerful Austrian force was engaged at Banat as it made its was to try and relieve their capital. Very brave when fighting smaller forces without a dedicated general, the Archduke's forces were outmanoeuvred and outwitted by the battle-hardened Tverian troops. Hungary was freed from the Austrian counter-attack, and the Commonwealth's vassal set about besieging provinces which it had owned centuries before.
The last of Austria's significant forces were in their northern Italian provinces, defending Lombardia and Liguria instead of their more important central provinces. But with their backs to the sea, they would have nowhere to go if the Commonwealth decided to move into Italy.
'I don't understand this. Are they going to engage us?'
'Doesn't look like it, sir. They're just Milan around.'
'And the second one? The Archduke's own personal army? Should we let him go?'
'We shouldn't be too Genoas, sir. Hunt them down.'
'What if we kill him?'
'He shouldn't have stood against us. But I'll tell General Mikulinsky to be gentle.'
'Is he gentle?'
'When he wants to be, sir, Lazar can be wonderfully gentle...'
With all their significant forces in Europe scattered, the whole western half ot eh Austrian Empire was at the Commonwelath's mercy. The peace deal was punishing: Ostmarch, Linz and Steirmark would enter the Commonwealth, and Sopron and Osijek would return to the Grand Duchy of Hungary.
'And Burgundy have also had enough.'
'Cowards. Seems that Burgundy are Yellow.'
'Whining about the way that we treated their allies.'
'I do hate Burgundian wine.'
'We didn't even touch them!'
'Exactly! No Brut force involved at all.'
'Not even a blockade.'
'Burgundy, remember, not Port.'
'Anyway, they say they're willing to surrender.'
'Well...how about getting them to convert to Orthodox? Won't damage our reputation, and we don't really need money.'
'Hmm. Unusual, but I like it. Make it happen.'
Once again, the Empire had extended its sphere of influence further into Europe. With Hungary a loyal vassal (loyal in the sense that it would fight for the Czar when required to)and another Holy Roman Emperor humiliated, the kingdoms of the west were falling one by one before the Tverian juggernaut.
