Its a Mad Mad Mad Mad AAR

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Yea I guess Hitler was pretty angry when this AAr fell that far down the list (off the first page? I want heads!).

I'll have to try to get this thing restarted, a month away from the lunacy is just what the doctor ordered... but what do doctors know :rofl:

 

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On With the Show!

And now, something that will make Hitler happy: A new post, which will temporarily put it at the top of the AAR list.


The Allies have a Baby
Brunei, Lord of the Allies, fending off the mighty Japanese from their jungle homeland in heroic fashion (with more than a little help from level 9 land and anti-air fortifications ), came to New Years 1943 still in one piece. As in past years, they sent their diplomats around the globe to try and recruit more nations in the fight against the Axis of Evil. This year they had a trump card to sweeten the deal: The U.S., that mighty economic juggernaut, was now part of the Allies. Confident that the rest of the neutral nations would join ranks at this news, they hardly expected to hear that oh so familiar sound of a slamming door. First by Russia, then by Canada, then by Mexico, then by Sweden. Surprisingly however, Australia accepted the offer. With nothing between them and the hordes of Japanese but clear blue Axis held seas, and a very small army to defend a very vast continent, they accepted anyway. Brunei was alarmed at this, and tried to steer the green Aussies away from joining this war.

Brunei diplomat: Are you sure you want to join us? I caution you, look what happened to every other small country who's joined us. They are all assimilated and gobbled up by the Axis.
Australian diplomat: Of course we still want to join. We're not a "little" country, in fact we are the only country on the planet who owns an entire continent.
Brunei diplomat: In a few years Japan and Germany will not only own their continent but someone else's as well.
Australian diplomat: Well be that as it may, we still are the only country who owns an entire continent. And anyways, with America on our side, how can we lose?
Brunei diplomat: (shrugs head) You don't read the papers much, do you? California has been sacked 7 times this year already, Mussolini raided all the maple syrup out of New England, and the Germans have landed in Florida so many times they're going to rename the wetlands the Everkrauts.

Nevertheless, Australia, like all the previous victims, fell prey to the irresistible allure of an alliance against the Axis. As soon as the treaty was officially signed, yea, before the ink was even dry, the bookies in Las Vegas were putting up odds of how long before Australia was annexed by Japan. In a model of diplomatic futility, Brunei was as bad at getting countries to stay out of the alliance as they were at trying to get them to join it.


Lets Make A Deal!
It was at this time that leaks began to leak out (that is after all what leaks do), about strange and unusual propositions between the two warring alliances. It involved in-depth and serious talks about trading nations between alliances. Rumors began to swirl that the Axis was offering Sweden in exchange for Afghanistan. Other rumors had it that the Allies were offering Nationalist Spain for Romania, including future considerations and late round draft choices. Romania of course would have to restructure its contract to fit under the Allies salary cap. The Germans were even rumored to be offering the United States all of their Great Britain holdings if they also took troublesome Luxembourg off their hands. While this offer was most likely a valid and beneficial one for Germany, no one would ever wish Luxembourg upon themselves no matter what the price. However, the most incredulous one of all had Brunei going to the Axis in exchange for Italy. Talk about absurd banter. There's no way anyone in their right mind would ever trade a powerhouse mega-superpower like the Kingdom of Brunei for such a backwater history starved peninsula like Italy. At the arrival of these rumors in the worldwide newspapers, both sides stoutly denied any such talks even taking place. They vowed their complete loyalty to every one of their hard working nations. Conspiracy theorists of course had the Comintern as being behind these wild rumors, and for once I believe them. Uncle Joe had been way way way way way way way way waaaaaayyy too quiet these past 7 years in Vladivostok.

Finally, and of some note, Lieutenant William George W. Clinton Bush of the Texarkana National Guard released documents of proof to the public of his service in the Guard, in the event that in later life he should ever run for President of the United States. He did however have trouble deciding whether he was a democrat or a republican, and suffered deeply from a dual personality disorder.

 

[EasilyConfused]

As soon as the treaty was officially signed, yea, before the ink was even dry, the bookies in Las Vegas were putting up odds of how long before Australia was annexed by Japan.

Never! Long live Australia!

 

[Magic Pancake]

Brunei diplomat: (shrugs head) You don't read the papers much, do you? California has been sacked 7 times this year already, Mussolini raided all the maple syrup out of New England, and the Germans have landed in Florida so many times they're going to rename the wetlands the Everkrauts.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
[edit]:Man, this is too good. UPDATE!!!

 

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Axis Lang Syne

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. For people in United States coastal cities, it was a downright confusing time. For the people in the countries of the Axis, it was a peaceful time. For the past 12 months, there had been no sign of war within 500 miles of any of the Axis Borders. Germany's closest threat was 3000 miles across the Atlantic, and Japans's biggest threat (aside from the insect known as Brunei) was across 6000 miles of Pacific. There had been no long, drawn out, bloody, costly campaigns, just quick for fun raids on the U.S. coasts. And while its true that the Axis did not expand its empire at all in the previous 10 months, the countries as a whole prospered from this semi-peace, and much of their military which had been at war for 7 years, had time to rest and rotate troops back home, and refit and clean their equipment.

In light of this one sided success, for the second straight year, the Axis Heads spent the new years in Luxembourg. Here they toasted their continued success and the downfall of the American pigs. With drinks in hand, they all heartily agreed that while the previous year had not seen them gain any real estate or annex any countries, it was by far the funnest year yet. The repeated sacking of California and Florida gave them an endless supply of laughs, and the better part of the night was laughing like mad at the repeated raids, and how the silly Americans would run back and forth across the North American continent like crazy ants. Cries of laughter went up "Did you see the looks on their faces when we landed in Miami again?" Or, "What are the Americans going to put on their pancakes now that we have all their maple syrup!" Mussolini's answer was, "I'll sell it back to them for 4 times the price!" Hirohito however had the best line of the night, "How freaking funny would it be if we dressed up like Bruneians, made a mock invasion fleet out of cardboard and landed once again in California?" The room burst out in uncontrolled laughter, many gasping and many spitting their drinks out of their mouths in the ensuing laughter. Mussolini was in the middle of chugging Vodka straight out of the bottle in great volume, and in laughing uncontrollably at the joke, he got a copious amount of the stuff up his nose. In trying to gasp for air at this surprise he then breathed some of it into his lungs. And from trying to gasp and grasp for air from this he completely lost his balance, stumbled backwards in his drunken stupor and while trying to keep from falling down he flung his hand that still held the bottle quickly around, and inadvertently smacked Hitler with it square between the eyes. While the rotund Vodka breathing Italian dictator stumbled to the ground trying to regain his breath, for the second time in a year, Hitler was knocked clean out from the impact, and fell once again completely unconcious. And for the second straight year, the other party goers were way too drunk to notice.

When Mussolini regained his composure, breath, and another bottle of Vodka, they all then got together to decide which country would be the leader of the Axis for the coming year. Grabbing great quantities of liquor and taking a sequence of shots, they then stumbled into position, or relative enough to it to be on the same side of the room. After some effort they managed to form some varied version of sitting in a circle.

Said Mussolini, "So then gentlemen, I suppose we use the same failsafe method we used last year to select the next head of the Axis?" The audability of varied drunken tones at the end of this question more or less evinced a "yes", and with the consequent approval of his fellow leaders, Mussolini passed out. After a few slaps upon his flushed face, he awoke again, and thus began, "Eenie Meenie Miney Moe, catch an Ally by the throat, if he surrenders, annex his country, Eenie Meenie Miney........ MOE!" From his drunken gaze he looked at who his unsteady finger pointed at, and declared, "Roosevelt is hereby the head of the Axis!" A firm slap in the face by the Hungarian Prime Minister corrected his gaze, "Oh... I'm sorry Mr. Hirohito, you and FDR look so much alike. I hereby declare Japan as the next head of the Axisszzzz." He passed out before finishing the sentence, this time unable to be revived until dawn. At any rate Japan became the new leader of the Axis powers for the upcoming year.

When Hitler finally awoke from his vodka bottle induced coma, seeing the meeting just breaking up he clutched his head, raised himself with some effort, and asked despondently: "I don't suppose you fools made me leader of the Axis while I was out?" To a man came the response, " No." "Did you at least put me second in charge?" "No." "Well, will this post at least put us temporarily back atop the AAR list for everyone to see?" "Yes." "Hmm, I suppose the night's not a total loss then." With this he passed out again.

 

[Nikolai II]

Update = good - lack of spacing = hard to read

(Just telling I'm still a customer )

 

[Magic Pancake]

Am I the only person still reading this AAR?

Hitler- (Looking over Paradox Forum) I am tired of seeing this! I thought I told you to do something about this situation Goebbels!
Goebbels- What is the problem mien Feuhrer?
Hitler- The After Action Reports forum on Paradox.
Goebbels- Pardon me, Fuehrer, I've been so busy telling lies to the rest of the world while we conquer them, I forget what problem this is with the Paradox forum.
Hitler- Our thread, our thread! Everytime I get up and log onto the forum, the Mad Mad Mad Mad AAR, which triumphantly shows our conquering ways to the world of HOI readers, has always fallen to the 15th or 20th most recent thread. That far down, nobody will ever read it.
Goebbels - (aside to Ribbentrop) What's the furor with the Fuehrer?
Ribbentrop- Mien Fuehrer, it appears that there has been a recent increase in the number of AAR's being written on and commented by people of late, so the Mad Mad Mad Mad AAR is destined to fall down behind them as new posts come in.
Hitler- Destined? Destined? We are the Third Reich you fools! We are the ones who are destined! We rule the world, we are the man on the scene, numero uno, the head honcho, the big cheese. We are the ones conquering the world, we are the ones making the headlines. All most know of our successes, and all must read them. This thread must not slip to 36th on the list ever again, is that clear? Now, what do you propose to do to solve this problem?
Goebbels- Easy, we just have to add a post to the forum and the thread will be on top again.
Hitler- Add a post? Brilliant!
Goebbels- Here we go..... (Types in a few keys, and hits Submit Reply)

 

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Grizzly Bears, People and Episcopalian Ministers

Behold! Magic Pancake's prayer has been answered!

It was a hot summer's day in January, temperatures just below the boiling point, the sun as hot as it could be, the landscape as dry and scorched as it had been in years. Perfect January weather. The dry reddish clay here and there was dotted with some tough staggering vegetation, clinging on for dear life under the hot sun, roots seeking desperately for any last drop of water they could get their claws on. It was January, it was hot, and it was summer. It was of course also Australia.

As Australia's Head of State looked out his window at the gorgeous weather, not a cloud for miles, he thought about his duties to his country in this time of world war, and thought about how as complete isolationists they had absolutely no duties at all to worry about regarding the war, it wasn't theirs. Today was a beautiful hot sun scorched summer's day in January, and that was always perfect weather for one thing: Grizzly bear hunting in the outback! He quickly got on the phone with John Curtin, head of the government, and it took little convincing to get his old hunting buddy to come along. Within the hour they were in their humvees, bazookas fully loaded and claymores stacked in the back. Bouncing over dunes, pits and crevices in the dry scorched earth, they made their way deep into the outback, hundreds of miles away from the capital of Melbourne. It wasn't long before they saw it in the distance, a herd of 4 adult grizzly bears hopping on their hind legs thru the arid wilderness. Their long pointy ears could be seen silhouetted in the fading sunlight. With eager anticipation, Alfred Isaac and John Curtin grabbed their bazookas, took aim, and prepared to fire when both of their cell phones rang.

"What the devil?!"
"What the devil?!"
"Yes?"
"Yes?"
"Who?"
"Who?"
"He what?"
"He what?"
"Against who?"
"Against who?"
"You have to be joking me?"
"You have to be joking me?"
"I don't believe you."
"I don't believe you."
"Holy @#$$@#$@#$@#$@#$!"
"Holy @#$$@#$@#$@#$@#$!"
"We'll be right there!"
"We'll be right there!"

The speeding humvee suddenly came to such a screeching halt that both their bazookas flew out of their hands and out of the vehicle. As quickly as they stopped, they did a donut, and headed back full speed from where they came. It was off to the Capitol, something big had just happened.

Once at the capitol, Head of State Alfred Isaac and Head of Government John Curtin lost their hunting gear and donned their governmental suits. At once Isaac ordered to one of his aides to quickly fetch that crazy Foreign Minister Herbert Evatt. After a round of stiff drinks between them to soften the blow, they waited until a man in priestly garb walked in the room holding a bible.
Said Alfred Isaacs with a confused look, "Who are you?"

"I am Reverend Willard Smith, Episcopal Minister."

Answered Isaac to this, "And what is it that you want?"

"Well, you sent for me did you not?"

Turning to his aide, Isaacs gave him a stern look and ordered, "I said get me the Foreign Minister, not the Episcopalian Minister!"

Their nerves still trembling, the pair of leaders had yet another stiff drink between them. After a time the aide returned, this time along with Foreign Minister Herbert Evatt.

He came in beaming a smile ear to ear then back again, he was like a kid at Christmas who knew he had gotten the coolest toy in the history of the world. In his giddy walk it was apparent that he felt he had just pulled off the most incredible achievement of his career. With this smile he came in stepping lightly and gayly, until he realized his superiors were looking very sternly, gravely, and very hatefully at him. "What?"

"Tell us its not true you dimwit, please to God, tell us its not true."

"Oh, but Mr. Prime Minister, it is true, it is! I have singlehandedly brought us into the great Alliance! That's right, the Allies! Isn't that great?"

A slap came, hard, resolute, and crisp against his cheek, "No, you knucklehead! Its not great."

"But what do you mean Alfred? We have joined the legions of good to help join in the fight against the legions of evil!"

Grabbing him firmly by the ears the Prime Minister pulled him not too gently to the far side of the war room (as it had now become). "You fool! You see this map of the world?"

Excitedly Evatt answered, "Oh yes, that pretty green area at the bottom is us!"

Another firm, fast and angry slap met his reddened cheek, "Yes that's us you fool, and aside from that tiny green dot here signifying that insignificant jungle hilltop called Brunei, everything for thousands of miles around us is red."

"Yes, I saw that too. While the red isn't quite as pretty as our green, they do contrast together in a most pleasant manner, making for a much more appealing map than the old black and white ones we used to have. Mmm, green and red, quite holiday-ish don't you say?"

Yet another slap, this one harder, firmer, and one step short of assault, "You back country imbecile! That red that's all around us is what is now because of you, our enemy!!! They control all of Asia, all of sub Asia, all of Not French Anymore Indochina, all of East Asia, all of South East Asia, and they own everything in the biggest ocean in the world..."


Interrupting, the dense Foreign Minister looking for another beating asked, "Biggest Ocean? Which ones that?"

His punishment came this time in the form of the Prime Minister's cane square across his noggin, "The Pacific! The enemy controls all of Asia and all of the Pacific. You had us declare war upon an aggressor nation that owns everything north east and west of us for 5000 miles?"

"But they don't own Brunei!"

Need I mention the use of the cane in ever fiercer method against the foolhardy Evatt? "Get out of my site you fool, you've doomed us beyond doom, there is no way under heaven we can hold off the mighty Japanese and German armies from defeat! Get out of here now!"

When he had gone, Isaac and Curtin trembling now even more in disbelief had yet another round of stiff drinks. Quipped Curtin looking at his empty glass, "It's a true pity these things wear off."
Said Isaac once again to his aide, "Fetch me that Episcopalian Minister again."

"But what for?"

"Because of that other Minister, we're gonna need this one to do a lot of praying for us!"

 

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The Race for Australia

New to the war, with fresh and eager troops, the Aussies took the first action, believing in the immortal military doctrine: Wage war on their territory instead of yours. Gathering all the skiffs, rafts and rowboats they could, this land bound nation took to the high seas, crowding their men onto every last boat. Once General Blamey was aboard his flag raft, he gave the command to start the paddles, and the soldiers started paddling for all they were worth, as their homeland slowly slipped into the ocean behind them. North they went until the tropical jungles of Papau New Guinea rose up on the horizon. Their landing was unopposed, and they quickly went inland, splitting into two groups, conquering and claiming as they went. Upon hearing the news of their advancment Prime Minister Alfred Isaacs declared, "Gee, this warring stuff is pretty easy after all. At this rate we'll have the Japs kicked back to Tokyo in a week!" Answered John Curtin, "Yea, and then we can get back to our Grizzly hunting!"

Within the week however the Italians made a corps size landing in Melbourne. Foreign Minister Evatt upon hearing this news wondered aloud at the cabinet meeting why the silly Italians would land a corpse on the beach when a live body would be more effective, at which point Isaacs swiftly dismissed him from the meeting, with the aid of a backhand, forehand, cane and a baseball bat he had brought in just for good measure.

The official reason for the Italian amphibious landing was of course for military conquest, but the real reason was to get some advanced testing in for their Ferrari Formula One team at the Melbourne track, as the season kicked off here in a mere 2 months. While guns blazed and rockets flew and grenades and artillery sent their reports into the air, still one could hear the high pitch of the Ferrari engines straining, the gear boxes clattering and the squealing of the tires in natural four wheel drift. It was the first time in military history where castor, camber, clutch plates, and artillery pieces were brought up in the same conversation. The invasion was going well, and so was the testing, although they were still a full second off the lap record.

The Italian Press, so thirsty after a year of non conquest, praised the Italian forces, calling General Argentino the Conqueror of Down Under. Likewise with their advancement against no forces in New Guinea, the Aussie papers were lauding Blamey as the Conqueror of New Guinea. Inevitably the juggernaut of the Japanese Navy caught wind of this invasion of their new possessions, and sent ships steaming into the steaming jungle to unload troops fresh right into the battle. A good many ships were destroyed in this fashion as palm trees were not what they were designed to ride on, but the troops nevertheless disembarked successfully. Blamey and his men were forced to fight a retreating battle all the way across the island, giving up their bloodless gains, until they were back at their original beachhead. Climbing back aboard their rafts, skiffs and canoes, they then hightailed it back to Australia. The ever fickle Aussie press, now put the general failure squarely on Blamey's shoulders, labeling him General Blame.

With the Italians holding a firm beach head around the Melbourne Circuit, the testing continued for the Ferrari team, and do what they might, they just could not shave off anymore time. Damper adjustments, stiffer torsion bars, tire treatment, air pressures, wicker bills, sway bars, spring settings; none of it seemed to make a difference. Bump and Jounce and forward bite were among the many technical terms bandied about by the head scratching engineers. After spending two weeks of intense testing, they finally came to the conclusion that the problem was between the seat and the wheel. It was of good fortune for them that in mid February the Germans landed several divisions in Melbourne. Among them was a German karting champion, a future racing phenom, and when they placed him in the Ferrari, he set a lap record on his third lap. He was instantly signed to a long term contract for 50 million dollars and the rest they say, is history.

History is also what the Aussies realized they soon would become. Alfred Isaacs and John Curtin quickly realized their inevitable fate and hid in their bunker crying and whimpering and continuing to try to make those stiff drinks not wear off by continually following them up with more stiff drinks. This however did not stem the flow of defeatism, as reports continued to come in of Japs, Germans and Italians in all directions. Cursing Foreign Minister Evatt for bringing this evil fate upon them, PM Isaacs did the extremely unusual thing of publicly ordering the immediate assassination of his own Foreign Minister. Much of the populace took up arms with great eagerness at this command, as hundreds of thousands of armed Aussies hunted down one man. To his credit, Evatt quickly went into hiding, never to be seen from again. Some rumor that he escaped on one of the abandoned skiffs the Army had left on the shore upon their retreat from New Guinea , and paddled with his arms a thousand miles through nets of Japanese Scout ships, to take refuge in the Brunei stronghold that was that tiny green dot on the map he was so fond of. The Brunei Government to this day firmly denies any of this.

 

[Nikolai II]

Oh dearie dearie me..

I hope that if you do this again, that you not only give the new alliance leaders some DI, but also an AI-file that makes use of them..

Or can we hope for salvation for this poor world yet? (which year is it btw?)

 

[Magic Pancake]

Yay!!!

Behold! Magic Pancake's prayer has been answered!

YAY!!!!!!
That is all.

 

[Nikolai II]

Oh dearie dearie me..

Clarification - that sentence was meant as a show of pity towards the poor ozzies, and the non-fascist world in general.. o