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Over one hundred posts!
The Machiavellian Adventures of Duke Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1105 - 1106
Normally, you'd be as dead as fried chicken, but you happened to pull this while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill you.
. . .1,200 ducats in debt. . .
My men liberate Småland easily after our victory over Torkjell.
Norway's armies are scattered. All that's left is for them to surrender.
The nearest relative of the king is away in Orkney.
I set sail with 2,000 of my closest advisors to discuss terms.
Dear, diabolical Thyra. She was to be mine. Still, she can do better than the fat son of an insane, disowned, heretic traitor.
My brother refuses to give up Rügen. But even this news is not enough to darken my mood.
The Norse agree to terms. Ground turned red with the blood of Swedish and Danish heroes is our prize.
The war is over.
Thyra is wed to my brilliant marshal, Markus Bragde.
I am content with the knowledge that I have avoided temptation and found her a good husband.
What?
My income is up to 26 ducats a month. If not for the war, I would be the richest man in the north.
What's that you say? I'm rich in experience?
I should have my experience paid off in three years.
With the west safe, I turn my eyes back to the east. No longer will Valdemar Knýtling rest on his laurels.
He's got plans.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1105 - 1106
Normally, you'd be as dead as fried chicken, but you happened to pull this while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill you.
. . .1,200 ducats in debt. . .
My men liberate Småland easily after our victory over Torkjell.
Norway's armies are scattered. All that's left is for them to surrender.
The nearest relative of the king is away in Orkney.
I set sail with 2,000 of my closest advisors to discuss terms.
Dear, diabolical Thyra. She was to be mine. Still, she can do better than the fat son of an insane, disowned, heretic traitor.
My brother refuses to give up Rügen. But even this news is not enough to darken my mood.
The Norse agree to terms. Ground turned red with the blood of Swedish and Danish heroes is our prize.
The war is over.
Thyra is wed to my brilliant marshal, Markus Bragde.
I am content with the knowledge that I have avoided temptation and found her a good husband.
What?
My income is up to 26 ducats a month. If not for the war, I would be the richest man in the north.
What's that you say? I'm rich in experience?
I should have my experience paid off in three years.
With the west safe, I turn my eyes back to the east. No longer will Valdemar Knýtling rest on his laurels.
He's got plans.
Valdemar defeated the mightiest of the Scandinavian kingdoms and secured himself a place in history. What will come next for this most unlikely of heroes? Join us next time, dear reader, as the adventures of Valdemar Knýtling continue!
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What were the actual peace terms? I think the idea of Valdemar with plans to be really quite scary.
CSK, the pig was beaten. And as you can see, I had some claims in Norway. I took them when I started to beat the enemy back. I was mostly sure that I could at least get a white peace a second time. Sometimes, that gamble pays off. Well. . . actually, most of the time I just regret not making peace early on and get slaughtered.
stnylan, he can get very, very far into debt. And he's not complaining about his victory. It's just surprising, both to me and to the character. He's the bastard son of bastards with priestly training and he just beat a Norse army in a battle that left the enemy king badly wounded. Valdemar was not meant to be a hero!
The peace terms were Sweden abandoning its claims on Finnveden, and Valdemar getting Akershus (gesundheit!) and Viken. Not too shabby.
Mr.Capiatlist, I'll have to continue or the thousand or so screenies I've edited will be for nothing. Of course, it won't continue to quite the extend you're known for. There will be no Knud mega campaign.
I hope it's still amusing in places. The last few posts have been more dramatic than funny. I'll try to bring back the funny in what comes next.
stnylan, he can get very, very far into debt. And he's not complaining about his victory. It's just surprising, both to me and to the character. He's the bastard son of bastards with priestly training and he just beat a Norse army in a battle that left the enemy king badly wounded. Valdemar was not meant to be a hero!
The peace terms were Sweden abandoning its claims on Finnveden, and Valdemar getting Akershus (gesundheit!) and Viken. Not too shabby.
Mr.Capiatlist, I'll have to continue or the thousand or so screenies I've edited will be for nothing. Of course, it won't continue to quite the extend you're known for. There will be no Knud mega campaign.
I hope it's still amusing in places. The last few posts have been more dramatic than funny. I'll try to bring back the funny in what comes next.
Wow, I'm known for something...
And it is not for the things I am normally known for around my school! I am improving.
You never know, the Mega-Campaign was quite fun. And I am still looking for a runner-up!
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And please, what were the terms of the surrender, I notice you gained a few provs, but duchy titles? Also, what version are you playing with. I notice whenever you take a title and event asks you to save and reload.
Like here:
And it is not for the things I am normally known for around my school! I am improving.
You never know, the Mega-Campaign was quite fun. And I am still looking for a runner-up!
--------
And please, what were the terms of the surrender, I notice you gained a few provs, but duchy titles? Also, what version are you playing with. I notice whenever you take a title and event asks you to save and reload.
Like here:
I'm playing with the newest patch, 1.05. The terms of the surrender were that I got the two provinces shown, and they gave up their claims on Finnveden. No duchy titles changed hands.
Looks like there is a lot for Valdemar to do on the Eastern Border, after his beautiful and well-performed campaign against the Norwegians...
Lets hope he doesnt fall in love with some East-European Prostitudes and end up in a Pimp-Conflict... No... Now Im cruel to the East-europeans... Sorry... o
Lets hope he doesnt fall in love with some East-European Prostitudes and end up in a Pimp-Conflict...
No... Now Im cruel to the East-europeans... Sorry... o
The pagan and the pope.
The Machiavellian Adventures of Duke Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1106 - 1107
Sigfred managed to get himself excommunicated. He also despises me.
The rift between my brother and I grows larger with each passing day.
Inge Skytte, my faithful steward. How he manages when we're so far in debt is a miracle. I must reward him.
But what to give an old man who has everything?
It seems my darling Thyra's husband has passed away and people are looking for her hand in marriage.
She's a devious, deviant blackguard and has been since she was a little girl.
Inge, consider yourself rewarded.
With Markus dead, I need a new marshal. This pagan coward is the best warrior in my court.
Ösel rebels against me. Why?
I order my pagan marshal to lead Christian soldiers in conquering pagan lands ruled by a Christian noble.
Oooh, bad timing. I'm not sure what Johan was thinking.
That's bloody inconvenient.
We have Galeine executed for being a pagan. Hopefully, the pope doesn't hear about this.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1106 - 1107
Sigfred managed to get himself excommunicated. He also despises me.
The rift between my brother and I grows larger with each passing day.
Inge Skytte, my faithful steward. How he manages when we're so far in debt is a miracle. I must reward him.
But what to give an old man who has everything?
It seems my darling Thyra's husband has passed away and people are looking for her hand in marriage.
She's a devious, deviant blackguard and has been since she was a little girl.
Inge, consider yourself rewarded.
With Markus dead, I need a new marshal. This pagan coward is the best warrior in my court.
Ösel rebels against me. Why?
I order my pagan marshal to lead Christian soldiers in conquering pagan lands ruled by a Christian noble.
Oooh, bad timing. I'm not sure what Johan was thinking.
That's bloody inconvenient.
We have Galeine executed for being a pagan. Hopefully, the pope doesn't hear about this.
Will Valdemar join his brother outside of God's grace? Will the two brothers continue to feud? And will the east become secure enough for Valdemar to implement his plans? Join us in learning all this and more as the adventures of Valdemar Knýtling continue!
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Mikkel Knýtling and the man with the funny name.
The Machiavellian Adventures of Duke Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1107 - 1108
Having to execute Galeine while he was leading my armies has done nothing for my disposition.
Ösel falls and I take it for myself. If you want something done right . . .
The Black Rider has reached adulthood. Everyone says he looks just like me. This has also done nothing for my disposition.
Frankly, I don't see the resemblance.
I manage to find him a Swedish bride. Their family is important in the whaling business.
Mikkel gets two counties in Norway adjoining his father-in-law's lands.
The fact that I was able to find a local bride for my son irks me.
Yet another pagan in my court reaches adulthood. I am irritated that he is so rich and I am so much in debt.
More rebellions break out in the east. Why?
Loyalists in Kurs rally to my cause. The king joins me. My son celebrates by impregnating his wife. Hardeknut's name is still funny.
It seems I'm keeping the peace from Gotland once again.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1107 - 1108
Having to execute Galeine while he was leading my armies has done nothing for my disposition.
Ösel falls and I take it for myself. If you want something done right . . .
The Black Rider has reached adulthood. Everyone says he looks just like me. This has also done nothing for my disposition.
Frankly, I don't see the resemblance.
I manage to find him a Swedish bride. Their family is important in the whaling business.
Mikkel gets two counties in Norway adjoining his father-in-law's lands.
The fact that I was able to find a local bride for my son irks me.
Yet another pagan in my court reaches adulthood. I am irritated that he is so rich and I am so much in debt.
More rebellions break out in the east. Why?
Loyalists in Kurs rally to my cause. The king joins me. My son celebrates by impregnating his wife. Hardeknut's name is still funny.
It seems I'm keeping the peace from Gotland once again.
The valiant Gotlanders set sail to enforce the will of Valdemar once more. Can our favorite duke ever secure the east? And who is behind all this rebellion? Valdemar Knýtling rides again and more hell breaks loose when we return!
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Those traits are certainly stacking up. Perhaps he will go crazy and be happier for it.
Mmh, or he becomes a kin-slayer and decides to send his bastard ex-bastard brother to meet his fater.
I hate that by raking up too much BB that your vassals leave and declare war on you, but by regaining them, you only increase your bad boy!
Poor Gisele, and the papal controller.
The Machiavellian Adventures of Duke Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1108 - 1109
The bastard traitor of Kurs. Not so tough now, eh, Hardeknut?
Since I had to execute my pagan marshal and there's no replacement, he actually is pretty tough.
The pope made me kill off my only good courtiers for blasphemy.
Then he offers to send me a bishop who I might be able to appoint to a useful office.
It costs 80 ducats. I'm hundreds in ducats in debt.
The sad part is I accept.
Kurs has fallen and I give the land to the pope's emissary.
This news causes my little knuds to tighten up in a most disturbing way.
This snappy dresser has a really compelling argument.
I visited my step-mother Gisele. She begs me to let her die.
Her marriage to Knud left her without money, pride or virtue.
I told her that at least she could die knowing that I ruled Skåne.
I wonder why she looks like she's crying all the time?
Kalmär Lan is near revolt and I want the land myself, so I aggravate the situation a little.
Either way, I win.
My other son Sigtryg reaches adulthood. Everyone says he looks like me.
I really wish people wouldn't say that.
My plan works. On the one hand, I am pleased.
On the other, I am saddened that my most reliable talent seems to be pissing off vassals.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1108 - 1109
The bastard traitor of Kurs. Not so tough now, eh, Hardeknut?
Since I had to execute my pagan marshal and there's no replacement, he actually is pretty tough.
The pope made me kill off my only good courtiers for blasphemy.
Then he offers to send me a bishop who I might be able to appoint to a useful office.
It costs 80 ducats. I'm hundreds in ducats in debt.
The sad part is I accept.
Kurs has fallen and I give the land to the pope's emissary.
This news causes my little knuds to tighten up in a most disturbing way.
This snappy dresser has a really compelling argument.
I visited my step-mother Gisele. She begs me to let her die.
Her marriage to Knud left her without money, pride or virtue.
I told her that at least she could die knowing that I ruled Skåne.
I wonder why she looks like she's crying all the time?
Kalmär Lan is near revolt and I want the land myself, so I aggravate the situation a little.
Either way, I win.
My other son Sigtryg reaches adulthood. Everyone says he looks like me.
I really wish people wouldn't say that.
My plan works. On the one hand, I am pleased.
On the other, I am saddened that my most reliable talent seems to be pissing off vassals.
Valdemar has put down the rebellions and is moving against the last of the dissidents, but who is behind the insurrection? Can Valdemar find the enemy before its too late? Will he ever put his plan into action, or will fate conspire to prevent him? You won't want to miss the next episode of the adventures of Valdemar Knýtling!
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Every ruler has to have a talent. Valdemar's one is acquring new lands, every possible way.
But the lands was his, he just gave them to his loyal servants.
Who in return told him to get stuffed and started to fight for freedom, liberty and justice, and got steel, arrows and hot pokers instead.
Who in return told him to get stuffed and started to fight for freedom, liberty and justice, and got steel, arrows and hot pokers instead.
"My other son Sigtryg reaches adulthood. Everyone says he looks like me.
I really wish people wouldn't say that."
Must be tough for poor sons of Valdemar to look like him...Great update.
I really wish people wouldn't say that."
Must be tough for poor sons of Valdemar to look like him...Great update.
The enemy within.
The Machiavellian Adventures of Duke Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1109 - 1110
Kalmar Län is the last feudal province in the area, and boy, do I hate feudalism.
I also notice that the wicked and willing Thyra managed to get old Inge into bed. So jealous.
Two letters arrive on the same day.
I respond to Elof, accepting his surrender. Then I respond to the pope, accepting his demands that I make peace.
That pope is really, really starting to piss me off.
If he's like the rest of my family, my son will govern Ösel by quickly going mad and sodomizing pagan animals.
Västergötland goes to my diocese bishop, whose name sounds like a sexual favor you normally get from Italian sailors.
Not that I'd, er, know anything about that.
This knight wants to teach one of the girls his trade. Like I haven't heard that before.
Hell, like I haven't said that before.
I send him away.
I'm starting to wonder if my mad brother is behind all of the rebellions.
But he's as devious as a brightly-colored rat with a big sign that says, "I am a rat and about to steal your cheese," while giggling and standing next to the cheese.
There's no way he could be outsmarting me.
Is there?
Apparently, Eystein also knows the story about the Italian sailors.
I send beautiful and pious Cecilie away with instructions to Sjöb on his lad.
She doesn't get it.
Mikolàs Nakonid, the rich, excommunicated braggart of Lübeck.
Some people fight him for his heresy, others for his bravado, and still others for his recent break with the Holy Roman Empire.
But me? I'd mug my own mother for 285 ducats.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1109 - 1110
Kalmar Län is the last feudal province in the area, and boy, do I hate feudalism.
I also notice that the wicked and willing Thyra managed to get old Inge into bed. So jealous.
Two letters arrive on the same day.
I respond to Elof, accepting his surrender. Then I respond to the pope, accepting his demands that I make peace.
That pope is really, really starting to piss me off.
If he's like the rest of my family, my son will govern Ösel by quickly going mad and sodomizing pagan animals.
Västergötland goes to my diocese bishop, whose name sounds like a sexual favor you normally get from Italian sailors.
Not that I'd, er, know anything about that.
This knight wants to teach one of the girls his trade. Like I haven't heard that before.
Hell, like I haven't said that before.
I send him away.
I'm starting to wonder if my mad brother is behind all of the rebellions.
But he's as devious as a brightly-colored rat with a big sign that says, "I am a rat and about to steal your cheese," while giggling and standing next to the cheese.
There's no way he could be outsmarting me.
Is there?
Apparently, Eystein also knows the story about the Italian sailors.
I send beautiful and pious Cecilie away with instructions to Sjöb on his lad.
She doesn't get it.
Mikolàs Nakonid, the rich, excommunicated braggart of Lübeck.
Some people fight him for his heresy, others for his bravado, and still others for his recent break with the Holy Roman Empire.
But me? I'd mug my own mother for 285 ducats.
With Skåne still in debt, it's off to war for Valdemar! Can he cross the sea with his treacherous brother controlling the island of Rügen? And will the pope continue to harass our hero? The tale of Valdemar Knýtling takes the most unpredictable turn ever. . . after these messages!
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Northern Viking, there are two things Knýtlings are good at. One is having bastard children while on campaign. The other is not a proper topic for a family forum. But don't despair. . . Valdemar will eventually turn east, and eastern Europe will play a major role in the unfortunate affairs of Valdemar's two successors. And will eventually change the course of Danish history.
stnylan, he might! And maybe he's already crazy. The Knýtlings sure do get a lot of traits. And Valdemar is pretty good at expanding his realm. His first goal has been to put Denmark in a position to totally control the Baltic coast. His second? Well, you'll have to watch. Valdemar experiences an epiphany in 1131.
And yes, poor Valdemar does feel deprived. He had kind of a change of heart when his world was turned upside down, but he's still a coward, a pervert, and a megalomaniac at heart. His daughter was so tempting when she became a devious blackguard.
GrimPagan, the brothers will resolve their differences. One way or another. And you should know by now Valdemar's opinion on justice.
EvilSanta, Valdemar isn't a pretty specimen to begin with, but for his sons to be so fat is hilarious.
Mr. Capiatlist, I like the racking up of badboy. The war was very hard but pulled everyone together, so it makes sense that the peace (and the debt!) would see Skåne in revolt once the common enemy fell.
Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope the pace of updates is not too fast, and I hope changing gears now and then with the humor isn't making the story not funny. I also hope the story isn't too . . . racy? I'm not sure what the policy is here, but I'm trying to err on the side of caution when it comes to foul language and dirty suggestions.
stnylan, he might! And maybe he's already crazy. The Knýtlings sure do get a lot of traits. And Valdemar is pretty good at expanding his realm. His first goal has been to put Denmark in a position to totally control the Baltic coast. His second? Well, you'll have to watch. Valdemar experiences an epiphany in 1131.
And yes, poor Valdemar does feel deprived. He had kind of a change of heart when his world was turned upside down, but he's still a coward, a pervert, and a megalomaniac at heart. His daughter was so tempting when she became a devious blackguard.
GrimPagan, the brothers will resolve their differences. One way or another. And you should know by now Valdemar's opinion on justice.
EvilSanta, Valdemar isn't a pretty specimen to begin with, but for his sons to be so fat is hilarious.
Mr. Capiatlist, I like the racking up of badboy. The war was very hard but pulled everyone together, so it makes sense that the peace (and the debt!) would see Skåne in revolt once the common enemy fell.
Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope the pace of updates is not too fast, and I hope changing gears now and then with the humor isn't making the story not funny. I also hope the story isn't too . . . racy? I'm not sure what the policy is here, but I'm trying to err on the side of caution when it comes to foul language and dirty suggestions.