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Chapter 17: The Totally Unexpected and Unexplained Return of Secret, the Great Bear Spy
Chapter 17: The Totally Unexpected and Unexplained Return of Secret, the Great Bear Spy
So…when I said ‘some other happy time’, I meant three months after his death. No one really knows what happened, but to be frank, not many of you care. Nobody cared that tumultuous was spelt incorrectly in the previous chapter either, people just tend to go with such things. And that doesn’t make any sense because this is an oral story and none of us can read…
Anyway, when we left off, Secret was ‘dead’ and Cornwall had been accepted into the growing club of nations giving tribute to Lancaster. Earl Wigberht was once again feeling conflicted about his faith, the Lancasters were making money hand over fist, and Francia continued to get its head kicked in by the Umayyad Caliphate. To all the world it seemed business as usual.
However, to those that were paying attention, things were in fact very peculiar indeed. For starters, the Earl’s latest retreat actually made him feel better and resolved his various issues regarding religion and sex. For another, the ‘E’ on the end of ‘Rome’ had mysteriously vanished off every map.
Further strange events began to occur. Offa, the Earl of Lindsey, decided to try and steal the entire county of Derby by handing out pamphlets to peasants and faking lottery tickets within the cities. This didn’t come to much, aside from confusing the illiterate populace, but stranger still was the failed attempt at murdering the enemy agent. As this agent was the middle-aged Bishop of Lincoln in full-golden regalia, the Lancasters were understandably put out by their assassin’s inability to find the man.
The final straw was the sudden and extremely violent accidental death of the child ruler of Cornwall, who was certainly not murdered by the completely random and unrelated new king, Donual, who was at once supremely talented and also a blackout drunk who couldn’t hit a stick with the broadside of a barn. Aside from being bizarrely made-up, the new king also refused to pay any protection money to the Lancaster’s racket, and thus had to be squashed for his impudence. Squashed much like the unfortunate prior ruler was, when a house collapsed on top of her. Repeatedly.
A hero was needed, nay, required. It just so happened that Lancaster got two for the price of one. First, Young Elfwine became slight-less-young, and therefore could actually lead his father’s armies into battle. After quickly growing a massive bushy beard, he set to work whipping the men into shape. He tried whipping the bears too, and then he had to whip the new men into shape twice as fast. Fortunately for all involved, he was rather good at war, and very little else.
Second, Secret returned in a large party barge shipped from the great city of Rom. Having finally killed the old Pope with a truly staggering amount of wine and carousing, Secret had been hard at work on the sequel: corrupting new Pope Hadrianus. As this one was already a flamboyant spender and raging homosexual with anger issues, Secret quickly surpassed all expectations in turning Rom into an even greater hive of scum and villainy. He also tore the face off of the visiting Bishop of Bangor Fawr, after a badly timed joke. And so it was that the Lancasters received word of their agent’s survival and quickly begged him to return home.
With two agents of destruction at his command, the Earl Wigberht laid out his plans of expansion. First, the Cornish would be squashed, and then the Welsh tributaries would aid in the final annexation of Anglesey into Lancaster. Elfwine, after studying the map for a time, suggested also that the Isle of Man would make a fine addition to the growing power, both for aesthetic purposes and also as a naval base for further expansion elsewhere because boy did that boy like killing things. Secret’s addition was to have a massive party and get Elfwine hitched, to make up for his dad no longer getting any. Miraculously, the only man to die at this gathering was the ailing Mayor of Chesterfield, who at aged 71 and dying of cancer, got up in the middle of the feast and arm-wrestled three bears into submission before dying of liver failure.
To no one’s surprise, the Cornish immediately gave up without a fight the day after. The Earl’s health however, was beginning to decline again, which considering the rabies and the measles, not to mention the lack of stress-relief, was hardly surprising either.
Whilst his father went around greeting trees with hugs and confusing the court dwarf for a nice shrub to relieve oneself in, Elfwine was hard at work preparing various excuses for war with Manaw. Secret helped out by, somehow, getting Powys the duchy of Leinester in Ireland. Hither to, that island had been completely ignored by Lancaster but Secret, never a bear to respect boundaries or even understand the concept, nevertheless dove headlong into this undiscovered country. This led to a century of near-constant warfare and countless Irish deaths, but also a great deal of money for the Lancasters, some of which was spent on a giant golden statue of Secret in Ulster.
Elfwine completed his mission of various flimsy excuses to conquer stuff he wanted, but was waylaid in his ambitions by various ‘little chats’ his father kept insisting on having about bees, swallows and channelling one’s urges in constructive ways. Despite the mad ramblings of a diseased old man, Elfwine did become a more rounded and stable young man, which is all the more impressive considering his best friend was an alcoholic bear who may or may not have been a zombie.
Anyway, the strategic brilliance of Elfwine led to Lancaster declaring war in all directions simultaneously, which certainly gave the Franks an excuse to exercise their rowing muscles. The Welsh on the other hand were not very happy, as they were under the command of Secret’s army in Anglesey whilst Elfwine took another paddling in the Irish Sea. For some reason, Secret’s army got confused at one point and marched into South Wales trying to tribute a kingdom they’d already defeated. There were many red faces after that battle was over, I can tell you.
Passing over that minor mishap, the wars were ably won by overwhelming force, and soon all was peaceful again in the North. Lancaster now had a great deal of wealth coming in every year from their cities and flourishing ‘trade relationships’ with Wales. They were still struggling to feed everyone given that farmland was pretty poor and fish didn’t keep for very long, but there was just enough barley for beer so that was alright. Wigberht began pondering, in his more lucid moments, various ways to gain more crops for the growing cities of the realm, and about building a place to put all of the texts he had been collecting for three decades.
Such industrious thought however was halted when the great Bishop of Halton died of old age, leaving the Earl despondent and vulnerable. As ever, Secret knew what to do, and reintroduced Wigberht to the joys of binge drinking. With the ruler of the realm both mad and drunk, Elfwine was left holding the reigns and was left to handle something his martial training had never discussed: peace.
Some bloodlust was sated by a really stupid postcard arriving from Francia telling the Lancasters that their cousin was coming to visit, with several thousand angry men in tow. After arranging a horrible death for the treacherous little shit, Elfwine sat back and took stock of the situation in his own country. The Lancasters now ruled a decent little realm in the North, and had firmly established their grip on Wales so that Mercia would not come nosing around looking for scraps. Speaking of the old enemy, Mercia had been busy expanding in the opposite direction, using Old Chester’s claims on East Anglia and making a mess of the South East surrounding Canterbury. Whilst Northumbria continued to stagnate, Wessex and the newly independent Essex stood uneasily between Mercia and their conquest of the south. The Lancasters were kept aware of the numerous hijinks between factions from their allies in London, a city that was rapidly becoming the centre of this struggle for power and influence. Elfwine hoped to gently interfere as much as possible, to ensure Mercia would remain fixed firmly far away from Lancaster.
This was a task that become all the more important as the Earl became even sicker, the constant boozing somehow giving him Leprosy. With Wigberht’s days numbered, Elfwine endeavoured to boost the Lancaster’s international prestige before this horrific illness became widely known.
Secret, always helpful, took his party barge and gate-crashed the re-opening of Constantinople, as the city celebrated finally fixing all of the damage that had occurred last time he had come calling. For some reason, the Emperor of the Romans swiftly agreed to marry off his eldest son to Mildrith of Lancaster matrilineally, and sent Secret on his way piled high with treasure and precious shiny things.
This remarkable bit of diplomacy earnt Elfwine a reputation as a diplomat of some renown, and his father bestowed upon him the title that began his reign, though certainly not what history remembers him by: Elfwine the Dove.
The ailing Earl provided two final gifts to Lancaster: a gigantic pile of money he had saved over the years, and ordering the ground broken on the first stone castle to be built in Britannia since the fall of Rome. He lived long enough to hold his new-born grandson, the next heir to the throne of Lancaster: Ealdwine, before he succumbed to his horrible disease. Looking back, it was probably a bad idea for the new-born to have been held by a leper…
Wigberht died aged 53, an insane and physically distorted old man. The people for some reason saw his death as a good thing, and the crowning of a bloodthirsty glory hound like Elfwine a sign of further peace and prosperity. But with the passing of the old Earl, Elfwine and Secret stood ready to lead Lancaster not only into a new age but a new island.
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Are we correcting spelling or not, TBC? I thought that might be rude ... and time-consuming! And not even the game can spell correctly, so it seems unfair to expect the authAAR to do so! Seriously, I think only Leinster was spelt wrong that time. Or was than where the missing e from Rome ended up?
Secret is back? Nice. Looks like excessive consumption of grog has preserved rather than killed him. Unlike the Mayor of Chesterfield: it is a great pity that his magnificent hairstyle and beard cannot be preserved for another three score and ten years. They will be sorely missed.
Died as a renowned raving madman, leper and otherwise feeble ruler? Poor Wigbehrt - I thought the victors wrote the history. That should be how his usurping opponent was described (the Lancasters should hire a Shakespeare-type playwright to make him appear a gilded hero, while opponents are characterised as hunched, malicious bottled spiders, Richard III style).
The bit at the end about lepers and the new grandchild sounded ominous - hope it doesn’t come to anything nasty and was just a general cautionary warning.
Anyway, welcome back and I enjoyed the jolly japing of this latest chapter. Secret seems to be indestructible - unlike the great cities and men of Europe he visits. Elfwine the Warrior Dove - right-o. One suspects his nickname will become even more incongruous as time goes on.
And not even the game can spell correctly, so it seems unfair to expect the authAAR to do so! Seriously, I think only Leinster was spelt wrong that time. Or was than where the missing e from Rome ended up? Secret is back? Nice. Looks like excessive consumption of grog has preserved rather than killed him. Unlike the Mayor of Chesterfield: it is a great pity that his magnificent hairstyle and beard cannot be preserved for another three score and ten years. They will be sorely missed.
Died as a renowned raving madman, leper and otherwise feeble ruler? Poor Wigbehrt - I thought the victors wrote the history. That should be how his usurping opponent was described (the Lancasters should hire a Shakespeare-type playwright to make him appear a gilded hero, while opponents are characterised as hunched, malicious bottled spiders, Richard III style).
The bit at the end about lepers and the new grandchild sounded ominous - hope it doesn’t come to anything nasty and was just a general cautionary warning.
Anyway, welcome back and I enjoyed the jolly japing of this latest chapter. Secret seems to be indestructible - unlike the great cities and men of Europe he visits. Elfwine the Warrior Dove - right-o. One suspects his nickname will become even more incongruous as time goes on.
Are we correcting spelling or not, TBC? I thought that might be rude ... and time-consuming!
Not much of it on the forum really. There was a bit of it in 2016 when I started reading more often, but generally nobody cares because, as we see, the games are so off about it too.
And not even the game can spell correctly, so it seems unfair to expect the authAAR to do so!
Apparently so? Suppose it makes the joke better since the game seems to have indeed added an 'e' to the duchy and dropped it from Rom. So going to have to remember to keep that spelling up for the rest of the AAR...or not.
The Anglo-Saxon and English characters have some great new hairstyles in recent updates, which has put them back on track to being stylish. Before then, you had to marry a Greek to get nice beards ( remember Sean Connery?) but at the moment, everyone from all European cultures looks pretty good. Secret is still going, somehow, because not only did his character page bug out a little but a very similar bear with the same name popped up soon afterwards like something out of Knud Knitling.
I assume this is entirely because of the leper trait because before then the game had him pegged as a fairly pious man who was good with money.
Well they still aren't quite Lancasters yet (Elfwine is significant on that score) so they can safely ignore this Earl aside from glorifying the building of Lancaster City. As we'll see, they have much more impressive founding fathers and mothers to deify than poor old Wigberht.
I actually had forgotten what happened next but now I know...yeah, 'the Dove' is a bit disingenuous first because all rulers of Lancaster have to begin their reigns by getting their tributes back (requiring a war for each) and this particular Earl has great ambition. He certainly doesn't end his reign with the same name or title. I start to flex some Player muscle with this character and throw some weight around.
Secret continues, somehow, and Europe contuse to be kneed in the groin whenever he pops up. There is some excuse for Constantinople, which the Lancasters will eventually explain, but everywhere else? He's doing it for kicks (and to explain why the cultures and religions of the Map are such a mess by the time I'd been playing a few centuries).
Naturally this is all also build up to explain why the Lancasters evolved into a bunch of supremely paranoid evil geniuses running a frighteningly competent racket in a world gone mad. I've mused about writing a few chapters later on based on one of their (non-lancaster) bodyguards explaining some the score to a new recruit. We're still in the very early years of their dynasty so thy still make tons of mistakes and haven't set up their culutre yet, but slowly it'll start to come in.
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The Bear has returned!
Lovable and fluffy too. And yes, lots of war coming up until this new ruler figures out how to be good at something else.
This is fast becoming the sort of story Ed Wood would salivate over directing, but only if Secret was obviously a man in a cheap bear suit and you can get a couple of buxom ladies involved to vamp it up for no explicable reason.
He's undead so I can see it happening. He was brought back because aliens want to destroy humanity or something.
Would explain the aztec invasion...if it ends up happening.
The Aztec Invasion is obviously going to happen. Followed by Secret and a Bear Army racing across the Atlantic, rampaging through Tenochtitlan and finally holding aloft the severed head of Montezuma while screaming at
Quetzalcoatl to come and have a go if he thinks he is hard enough. Then drinking.
I can't remember if I selected it or not so this may have to be just made up...then again, it would be in character for Secret at some point to just go across the atlantic and not tell anyone.
It has taken me entirely too long to get caught up with this. Loving the continuing adventures of Secret the Bear, and hoping his hijinks aren't going to stop any time soon.
I was going to add 'unwanted and unheeded' to the chapter title but seems like people liked it. I'm toying with the idea of moving this work into pure fantasy and going full on with the zombie bear people and dragons and shit.
Thoughts? At this point, i feel like otherwise this will be a retread of empire of albion, only better written.
Go wherever the muse leads you. Try and channel some of that ‘zoned out with the pain meds’ vibe you had before, except without the actual pain and hospitalisation!
I think it might be an idea, have this one be a fairly normal family trying to survive and dominante in a very crazy world with the odds stacked firmly against them (until they start stacking them the other way). This way it's bascially Albion with more interesting things happening, and Dux can be historical fiction-ish.
I honestly thought you already had gone full on fantasy with the talking zombie bear. Unreliable oral history is all well and good but it has limits and this work smashed through them quite a while ago.
So I would counsel you to continue with the split. Not sure on making the Lancasters the one normal family, as above it's a bit late for that. Possibly an Adams Family approach; they are utterly strange and see nothing wrong with talking bears and dragons, but everyone else things it's heretical, etc. So it ends up with the world against the Lancasters, only they have the fantasy edge.
True.
Although, because of the game mechanics, there's going to be a surprising amount of people who end up either agreeing with or worshipping some of the Lancasters anyway, which certainly aligns with the world gone mad approach and a belief that though the Lancasters are insane, they are also really good at keeping people safe from all the horrible things that want to kill/eat them.
Cards on the table here. Sorry if this breaks a rule, I'll edit if necessary.
1. I have coronavirus.
2. Due to this happening in the middle of recovery for something else, this is seriously bad news.
3. My family has private healthcare and I'm being extremely well looked after.
4. All this being said...I'm basically not going to be commenting very much/at all for a while. Which is annoying because otherwise this time could have been used to respond to all the new content that will be coming out and perhaps actually update my own stuff for once.
So...um...if I'm a regular on your AAR, I've probably not stopped reading, just responding. And...I'll probably post some update at some point when things get better.
1. I have coronavirus.
2. Due to this happening in the middle of recovery for something else, this is seriously bad news.
3. My family has private healthcare and I'm being extremely well looked after.
4. All this being said...I'm basically not going to be commenting very much/at all for a while. Which is annoying because otherwise this time could have been used to respond to all the new content that will be coming out and perhaps actually update my own stuff for once.
So...um...if I'm a regular on your AAR, I've probably not stopped reading, just responding. And...I'll probably post some update at some point when things get better.