Just a short and sweet tale, which took me all of 20 minutes to research and write…
This is not really an AAR per se, but rather a short history of one of my many (far to many for comfort anyway) failed attempts to play it “Habsburg style”, i.e. marry/assassinate and inherit my way to Fame and Glory and a Kingdom or two. This time with the supposed masters of the craft; the Habsburgs themselves, as my unwitting tools.
At the beginning of the CG the Habsburg dynasty is only in control of a single county, that of Aargau in northern Switzerland. My obvious first objective is to make myself duke of Schweiz so I can give away land to my sons and whatnot. This would require becoming count of at least two more of the counties making up the duchy, namely my own Aargau, Chur, Grisons, Bern and Schwyz.
Unfortunately all of these appear to have healthy dynasties with plenty of male heirs (except for Chur which is a bishopric anyway and thus not relevant for my plots). No, wait, the count of Grisons (Hesso von Glarus) appears to have fathered no less then five daughters in as many years, but no sons! That mistake will cost him dearly, once his eldest daughter reaches maturity in about a decade, at which time my own son Otto should be ripe for marriage, too.
But Hesso refuses every overture, but doesn’t appear willing to give away his daughter to anyone else either, so I wait a few years for his second eldest to grow old enough, and receive her hand after only two or three years of begging! My young Otto is nothing if no efficient, and impregnates her right on their wedding night. Unfortunately, it is only a girl. No problem, a few months later he is at it again, but a bit too roughly it seems, for poor 2nd Daughter (recording all their names would soon become impractical, as you will see) dies in labour.
So I go to Hesso and ask for a new one, but he wishes to keep 1st and 3rd (and 4th has already been married away), so I’ll have to do with 5th. Wait a second, 4th already married away? Aw, crap. Things take a turn for the better when my 5th goes depressive and jumps from a tower or something. I send and assassin to get the husband of 4th, and he is successful! After a while she migrates back to her fathers court and I ask for her hand, but she has had enough of men for now I guess.
Back at the von Glarus estate Hesso’s first wife has passed away, but he (now about 40 years old) has simply re-married, and already a new bunch of daughter are on their way. Continuously asking for the hand of the elder daughters is fruitless, so I wait some more years for the new, 6th eldest to become eligible, ask for her hand and receive it, together with the rest of her body.
But the union soon proves to be a rather barren one, with zero resulting offspring. The 3rd is far has been more productive since she was give away to a close relative of the count of Geldre, including (horror of horrors!) a son!!
This little problem must naturally be rectified immediately, and a handy assassin does the job well. The point is taken and no more sons come out of that marriage. But this still leaves the problem that Otto, now nearing his forties and since a while back count of Aargau, has yet to father any heir for himself. I kill off my barren wife, and again go looking south for a new one. After years of pleading Hesso finally gives in and gives me his 4th daughter, the husband of which I killed a decade or so ago, remember?
Finally a fertile, fairly young, non-crazy von Glarus girl! FINALLY a son which will, in due time, inherit not only the county of Aargau, but that of Grisons as well! Jubilations! And it only took over 40 years to do it…
The festivities soon end rather abruptly, however, because meanwhile Hesso has been busy producing not only a swathe of daughters, but a son! Damnit! He doesn’t live long however, and my offspring are back at the top of the heirs-list, where they rightfully belong.
Things are coming along smoothly now, and I am already planning my next move when poor old Otto dies, leaving his underage son in charge. Oh, well. At least then he won’t inherit Grisons first and leave my court…
…Or maybe he won’t at all, for Hesso of the Overactive Loins, now on his third wife (or is it forth? It’s hard to tell with all those dark portraits…) and in his late sixties, has fathered another son. I send another of my trusted enforcers to, enforce, and stuff… He manages to do it, but is discovered! Fortunately the von Glarus counter-attack fails. NOW nothing can stop me! Young Habsburg/Glarus will soon come of age and take a wife of his own, and Hesso is what, seventy years? Why won’t the old bastard die soon and be done with it?
So that he can spit in my face, one final time, is the obvious answer. Fully 70 years old, with a wife around 30, he somehow (the exact details are probably far to horrid to be fit for a public forum) fathers not one, but TWO little heirs!! AAAAAARRRGGHH!!!!1!!”2”!!1
FOR THE LOVE OF… And to top it all off he has hired the most skilled spymaster in all the lands to protect them. But I don’t take note of such petty details any more, those children MUST DIE! They will not steal away MY BIRTHRIGHT!! Assassins, CHARGE!!!
OK, it only took about 15 or so attempts to bring them both down, if only I can weather the barrage of attacks quite likely to come towards us any day now, I’ll surely have nothing to worry about. Then my own spymaster, the only one with a half-decent intrigue score in my court dies. If this is the result of a plot or a natural death I don’t know, though he wasn’t that old…
Oh dear, the von Glaruses are here…
Long, painful and awfully bloody story later, the von Glarus counter-offensive wiped out my entire court, including every Habsburg still alive. It was not a pretty sight. So many dead for the sake of a single tiny, poor, irrelevant county… Madness…
There ended my pathetic attempt at taking the bedroom route to Power, I doubt I will try it again for some time.
This is not really an AAR per se, but rather a short history of one of my many (far to many for comfort anyway) failed attempts to play it “Habsburg style”, i.e. marry/assassinate and inherit my way to Fame and Glory and a Kingdom or two. This time with the supposed masters of the craft; the Habsburgs themselves, as my unwitting tools.
At the beginning of the CG the Habsburg dynasty is only in control of a single county, that of Aargau in northern Switzerland. My obvious first objective is to make myself duke of Schweiz so I can give away land to my sons and whatnot. This would require becoming count of at least two more of the counties making up the duchy, namely my own Aargau, Chur, Grisons, Bern and Schwyz.
Unfortunately all of these appear to have healthy dynasties with plenty of male heirs (except for Chur which is a bishopric anyway and thus not relevant for my plots). No, wait, the count of Grisons (Hesso von Glarus) appears to have fathered no less then five daughters in as many years, but no sons! That mistake will cost him dearly, once his eldest daughter reaches maturity in about a decade, at which time my own son Otto should be ripe for marriage, too.
But Hesso refuses every overture, but doesn’t appear willing to give away his daughter to anyone else either, so I wait a few years for his second eldest to grow old enough, and receive her hand after only two or three years of begging! My young Otto is nothing if no efficient, and impregnates her right on their wedding night. Unfortunately, it is only a girl. No problem, a few months later he is at it again, but a bit too roughly it seems, for poor 2nd Daughter (recording all their names would soon become impractical, as you will see) dies in labour.
So I go to Hesso and ask for a new one, but he wishes to keep 1st and 3rd (and 4th has already been married away), so I’ll have to do with 5th. Wait a second, 4th already married away? Aw, crap. Things take a turn for the better when my 5th goes depressive and jumps from a tower or something. I send and assassin to get the husband of 4th, and he is successful! After a while she migrates back to her fathers court and I ask for her hand, but she has had enough of men for now I guess.
Back at the von Glarus estate Hesso’s first wife has passed away, but he (now about 40 years old) has simply re-married, and already a new bunch of daughter are on their way. Continuously asking for the hand of the elder daughters is fruitless, so I wait some more years for the new, 6th eldest to become eligible, ask for her hand and receive it, together with the rest of her body.
But the union soon proves to be a rather barren one, with zero resulting offspring. The 3rd is far has been more productive since she was give away to a close relative of the count of Geldre, including (horror of horrors!) a son!!
This little problem must naturally be rectified immediately, and a handy assassin does the job well. The point is taken and no more sons come out of that marriage. But this still leaves the problem that Otto, now nearing his forties and since a while back count of Aargau, has yet to father any heir for himself. I kill off my barren wife, and again go looking south for a new one. After years of pleading Hesso finally gives in and gives me his 4th daughter, the husband of which I killed a decade or so ago, remember?
Finally a fertile, fairly young, non-crazy von Glarus girl! FINALLY a son which will, in due time, inherit not only the county of Aargau, but that of Grisons as well! Jubilations! And it only took over 40 years to do it…
The festivities soon end rather abruptly, however, because meanwhile Hesso has been busy producing not only a swathe of daughters, but a son! Damnit! He doesn’t live long however, and my offspring are back at the top of the heirs-list, where they rightfully belong.
Things are coming along smoothly now, and I am already planning my next move when poor old Otto dies, leaving his underage son in charge. Oh, well. At least then he won’t inherit Grisons first and leave my court…
…Or maybe he won’t at all, for Hesso of the Overactive Loins, now on his third wife (or is it forth? It’s hard to tell with all those dark portraits…) and in his late sixties, has fathered another son. I send another of my trusted enforcers to, enforce, and stuff… He manages to do it, but is discovered! Fortunately the von Glarus counter-attack fails. NOW nothing can stop me! Young Habsburg/Glarus will soon come of age and take a wife of his own, and Hesso is what, seventy years? Why won’t the old bastard die soon and be done with it?
So that he can spit in my face, one final time, is the obvious answer. Fully 70 years old, with a wife around 30, he somehow (the exact details are probably far to horrid to be fit for a public forum) fathers not one, but TWO little heirs!! AAAAAARRRGGHH!!!!1!!”2”!!1
FOR THE LOVE OF… And to top it all off he has hired the most skilled spymaster in all the lands to protect them. But I don’t take note of such petty details any more, those children MUST DIE! They will not steal away MY BIRTHRIGHT!! Assassins, CHARGE!!!
OK, it only took about 15 or so attempts to bring them both down, if only I can weather the barrage of attacks quite likely to come towards us any day now, I’ll surely have nothing to worry about. Then my own spymaster, the only one with a half-decent intrigue score in my court dies. If this is the result of a plot or a natural death I don’t know, though he wasn’t that old…
Oh dear, the von Glaruses are here…
Long, painful and awfully bloody story later, the von Glarus counter-offensive wiped out my entire court, including every Habsburg still alive. It was not a pretty sight. So many dead for the sake of a single tiny, poor, irrelevant county… Madness…
There ended my pathetic attempt at taking the bedroom route to Power, I doubt I will try it again for some time.
