My Tuscan Summer

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Hi everyone. A while back I started a serious, dramatic, or, looking back, melodramatic, AAR about Orvieto; which, due to a combination of being bored with it and some real life problems I rudely abandoned it without so much as a word. Sorry. I doubt any of you remember it though, so no harm done I hope. Anyway I left this game behind as well as this site and moved on to other things, other games, whatever. But a little while ago I started playing this game again and, for no apparent reason, I remembered this site and went back just to check it out real quick. Some way or another I got directed to an amazing AAR by phargle, a quite funny fellow, to put it mildly. I spent about 3 hours reading the whole thing straight, my roommate most likely thought I was deranged.
Afterwards I decided I wanted to be just like him when I grow up...er, yeah. So in tribute to him; and for me, I'm going to do an AAR that, while not ripping him off persay, is, well, let's say inspired by him.

Phargle, baby, this one's for you.


The Setup
I always wanted to play as Florence and the Medici family, but Paradox cruelly didn't put them in the game (or at least in 1066 which is frankly the only time worth playing). Then to rub salt in the wound Paradox made Frienze a bishopric so it can't be played at all...those utter, utter bastards.
And then, I touch of genius took a hold of me. I'd start a game as Mathilda of Cannosa, 'byzantine' the Firenze Bishop's ass, and give it to the best random guy that shows up in her court. Then save and load up the game is that guy, which is exactly what I did. Go me.

Some other fun info:
I'm playing 1.05 with Veld's mod that changed whatever he wanted to change, and with metallic shields done by an amazing graphics guy whose name I honestly can't remember, and also new graphics for other things by a variety of other amazingly talented people whose name's I can't remember. But it's all available here on this site in various places, check it out.

Now on with the plagiarizing!...er, show, I meant show.

 

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The Advent of Azzo​

The Roaring 60s​

This is me, Azzo d'appiano, I drew this myself.

Oh come on, show a little orginality
Um, I'm just and generous, i like puppies and walks in the rain. My turnoffs include racism and german people.

Cliched, and stupid, but it's something

Also if you squint I look just like Daniel Craig

This is my wife Ingrid, I got a gold coin for each pound she weighs. In other words, 124 pounds, which makes her perfect. I love Norse women.

This is my land. As you can see with just base income and my stewardship score I'm making 13 gold a month. Bet ya'll just kicking yourselves for picking some pisspoor German guy. Heh, stupid Germans.

This is Knud. Don't blame the poor quality, he drew it and cried until I put it on the Fridge. I don't think he likes his life much, but we will watch it closely.

Dear Diary, I learned something new today: M&Ms don't grow on trees. Money apparently does though.

Popular Law? I'm pretty sure it's an oxymoron, but if a law's unpopular it shouldn't exist, right? Isn't that Congress's job?... hey, quit that cynical laughing, what's that about?

I love Norse tail.

Boy I love kids, let me get a look at little...Germano?!? I hate that name, and now I must hate my son. Go play with a meat tenderizer kid.

 

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Ah, beautiful Italy. In addition to the short end of the stick, we can now get the short end of the bow. Maybe Germano will kill himself with this.

I just knew this would happen, I think I'm psychic...

Hey, where did you come from?

Germano still not dead, but I'm not paying for an education. Lazy boy, he wants schooling, he can pay for it himself. Or rather pay me back, plus the vig.

Sailing. Out on a boat. Nothing but water for miles around...hmm "Hey Germano want to go on a little trip?"

Dear Diary, I'm still sleeping on the couch. But look at the situation, with news like that, would you remember to pull out in time?

Well that's all for now. So saying goodnight for now, this is Azzo...hey, what the? My liege has the pope dancing like a puppet, and this happens? When abusing your power for fun and profit you do it to people to you don't like, not to your loyal vassal... stupid woman.
Ingrid, honey, I'm depressed.

Thanks, want to watch TV? Hmm? Oh it's short for Tuscan Violence, I set some wolves after Germano and got a bet going on with the steward on how long he'll last. Want in? The over/under's 17 minutes.




Next time on Tuscan Summer: See Tuscany! See Excitement! See if Germano will survive his father! See War! and what exactly it's good for! See me!

 

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Right, after about 10 minutes of formatting trouble I finally got the first update up. Though it still doesn't look exactly the way I wanted. Was there always a limit on the number of jpegs per post?


So, what do ya'll think?

Personally I like about half of it, but I got a little rushed. Not exactly a good start to something, but confidence remains high. At least mine does, you're most likely shaking your head clucking like a disapproving chicken. Fortunately they haven't been invented yet, so I'm not listening. 'Cause who wants to listen to a futuristic, mutant chicken critic? Not me, no sir.


But really, tell me what you think. I need feedback to sleep at night, you want to me to sleep right?

 

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The Adventures of Azzo​

Was there every a century with a happy 70s?​

I lost my bet with the Steward, luckily it appears Germano is about to provide so much needed comedic amusement around here. Hell, someone has to be funny...

...damn he got off scot free, and free of Scots. Not sure which makes him happier.

These thieves got it backward, we're already poor. That means they should be robbing others and giving it to us.

Luckily this still doesn't affect our money supply too much, things are fine.

I hate God. And myself.

Hmm, where'd that come from? I kinda like it though.

Time to institute some justice, Italian style.

What's that honey, more bad news? Like what? A plague of frogs? 'Cause we already got a regular one.

Oh don't scare me like that. You know we can always make another one.

Told ya so.

 

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So the Pope wants money to fix his own bloody mistake? Fine, but I'll only meet him halfway. That ought to be enough.

I'm gonna to hurt someone. Badly.

Divine Right? Ha, I'll show you what right the Divine has around here.

That's right God, ol' buddy. I'm gonna send my problems to you until you fix things.

I'm not bluffing ya know.

That's a start.

Com'on. Don't be shy. I got a whole lot more of these.

There you go, good boy God. Now if you clean your room and fix my excommunication you can hope down to the first level of hell and get some pagan ice cream.



By the way, if your keeping track that's: Me 2, God 0.


Now stop by next time for: Tuscany!, Excitement!, and the use of war! I promise.

 

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I just love with which irony the game throws events at you. Your ruler hates Germans, his son will be named Germano. You get the kids to church, the deseases go away. Some nice jokes there.

And by the way, I still remember your old AAR. I liked that one.

 

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The Amorphous Azzo​

]

In which looking up adjectives for boring is the most exciting thing that happens​

Dear Diary, I know we live in enlightened times and all, but is putting minors in charge of merchant houses really that good of an idea?

And yes Diary, I realize that was pretty flimsy for a joke. But when you see the rest of the material I had, you'll soon discover that's the highlight. Weep for me.

Honestly, after the recently deity trouble, who didn't see this coming? I didn't even mind, at least it was something happening.

As per the course, I respond in kind.

Fir 11:17 And the Lord did send forth a plague of Chickens who did rain down on Azzo to peck him, And it was good. For the Lord was teaching Azzo a mighty lesson. And Azzo did spit in the lords eye, For he did roast the holy chickens And did add Potato and the Seasonings of the Earth, And thus spur on the sin of Gluttony.

In spare time I've decided to write my own version of the bible. I mean, I've already been excommunicated, what else can they do?

...see God is pretty much a total bloody wanker, whose out to get all of us and make us miserable. And? Well that just about sums it up actually.

This is the first place to finally break free from the so-called Holy Roman Empire, fie on them. I'd like to Roman the Holy, if you know what I mean.

The only reason I bring this up is that my primary pastime has been watching the map for 10 years. Boring? Yes, but we all have our own ways of passing the time...

Some steal hard-taxed money....

Ol' Knud decided dying was the best option....

I continue to procreate when not watching the map or writing new bibles...

My Chancellor picked Knud's way, and seemed pretty happy when death finally came....hmm, maybe I should be looking into that. Gotta keep my options open.




Tune in next time for: Excitement! (We mean it this time, honestly) Travel Plans! And dead cows! What else could you ask for?

 

[canadiancreed]

This shows promise. I'm already smiling

 

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The Attack of Azzo
In Which an Attack Does Occur...​

I mean honestly, with a name like ATTACK OF AZZO, you'd think it would be self-explaining. There's no helping some people.​

Dear Diary, Great news. Henrick has finally declared war, and it's about bloody time. You'd think a German of all people would've started wars ages ago. Instead his spent 2 decades smartly ruling domesticly, it's all topsy-turvy.

I join the fun and lead my men straight to the Baltic!

...What's that? Ah, yes. Well, we decided to make a quick stopover in Vienna to pick up some snazzy new uniforms. It took some extra time yes, but the overall effect was quite dashing.

But of course as soon as we get there, the King had already made a white peace. Which, when you think about it, is rather a racist term isn't it? White peace? Seriously? Are they suggesting that a BLACK PEACE has to involve some sort of theft or death? I personally as an Italian take offense... stupid Germans.

I then do what every good vassal does, get around my liege by declaring war myself since I was never part of a truce. After winning a couple battles I decided to have a morale-boosting event....

..."First one out to the North sea and back to that Island 2 miles off the coast gets a month paid vacation!"

After the war ends I look at my new land, the County of Werle. It's not much, and it coast over 400 gold to get, but I have a cunning plan. I'm going to utterly forget about it and in a few decades my descendants can look north and have a pleasant surprise.

Beginning to forget...wait, for it....NOW!

Back home in Firenze after a long trip to... um, to... well I can't remember. I think I was in Vienna for a while, shopping maybe? Yes that must be it, I was shopping in Vienna, anyway, after giving mixed messages I decide to improve my mood by slapping my nobles about with a large trout, it was great fun

Really, that's all it took? If I'd known that I'd have started slapping nobles with trout years ago.

Oh you mean the French freeing the Holy Land? Humph, I like my version better.


...More news you say, wha is it?

Werle? Werle, Werle... No, not ringing any bells. You must have the wrong place.

 

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You know that nowhere in these pics your army marches through Vienna? They go over Graz and Salzburg, but not Vienna. Anyway the Zeughaus is in Graz, so getting better armour is easier there as well.

 

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CSK: To my chagrin you are both right that Vienna is not where I visited (Geography isn't my best point) and you remember my old AAR. How terribly embarrassing for me. Please don't tell stories about me at parties. Just pretend you don't know me and we can fake witty, spontaneous conversation that will impress everyone...

Err, not that I do actually do that at parties to seem smart...Look! A Distraction!


canadiancreed: Thanks. But always remember a smile is really a frown upside down, and frowning upside down sounds gross, like double-jointed people who bend fingers much too far to actually be human. Not to say that you're not human, just that you... oh nevermind. Please don't hate me.

 

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The Attainment of Azzo​

...Of Death, that is. Bwahaha!​

This is my son, Germano, despite my efforts he's grown into a fine lad. He looks just like me, and maybe even more like Daniel Craig.

This is Adele, his wife. She's French, but don't hold that against her, she's the eldest daughter of a man with no sons. Always a good thing, especially when that man is a Duke. Oh I just love great big tracts of land.

For the last time, I swear of never heard of this.. Whirl, is it? place. Now stop interrupting my dinner.

It's official, Germano is a Martial_Cleric. Whatever that means. I can rest easy now, that my family's future is secure, even if his name is Germano.

Ex-ce-llent. Free of this mortal coil I can fight 'God' on equal grounds. And my lovely wife can look after temporal affairs.

Bugger it all. This is really sweet and all dear, but I needed you on earth, I gotta bigger fish to fry up here... heh, forgive the pun.


"Hey Trinty, yeah I'm talking to you... BRING IT ON!"

Hi, I'm Germano. I like keeping people happy, watching others be successful and wish me success, and... and... EXCOMMUNICATED!?! I've been Count for all of FIVE DAYS you whorish duchess, what could I have POSSIBLY done in FIVE DAYS to deserve eternal damnation for my soul? AARRGH!

Hi, I'm Germano. I've changed my mind, people are scum.

This is Werle, I like the place 'cause they're pagan and burn missionaries, unlike my father I don't have such a hangup about it. And speaking of him, anyone catch that terrific thunderstorm a little while back? It was quite the thing, the weather was worse then Buffalo, NY.

There's some things you don't change in families, traditions if you will. And our tradition is attacking the church. Speaking of which....

"I got this bizarre message the other day. I wanted to send back a reply saying 'Yeah, deal with it. What ya gonna do, tough guy?' For some reason my court wouldn't allow it, they said I only had 3 options all of them involving me ending my Scepticism. Personally I don't see a problem, a little Scepticism is healthy I say. So I was going to defy the Pope to do something, but my advisors tale me that all options end the same way, all roads lead to Rome and all that, so I picked a less painful one. Stupid Church, pre-picking the acceptable options. I hate people."


Tune in Next Time for: Possessed Pagans! Mad Germans! The Wrath of Germano! and Carnies!

 

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The duchess really disliked the way you fiddled with the game setup and is now administering punishment. Thats the only reason I can think off for both your counts getting excommunicated.

I also remember your previous AAR and I was very sorry to see it die off. I hope that maybe as you play the game again and write this AAR you find the motivation to continue that one as well. Or at least not abandon this one.

 

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That duchess is such an evil woman, excommunicating people left and right.

I also like it that you are playing with my mod, it is weird to look at those screenshots and know that they aren't from my own games.

 

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The Greatness of Germano​

No Carnies, but plenty of Egyptians... not that we're suggesting anything​

This is my eldest sister, she's going to start a family tradition of getting married to random nobles around Europe and never coming home or writing back ever again. She chose to marry...

...this shifty fellow. Never trust a man with a goatee, that's my motto...but did she listen? NOOoooo, she was "in love" or some such nonsense, and it's all a downhill path from here. Next thing I know I'll be getting a message from the Scots saying she's been picked up on Haggis-related charges and can't make bail.

To keep entropy from setting in while I'm still alive I start up a crusade.

Such good news for me; I have a son who is also heir to a French dukedom, and the first minor shiekdom is paying me a fortune to leave them alone for a while. Time to move to next dustbin, but first I'll celebrate.

What a beautiful son, I'm in such a good mood.

I think I'll give the Church a break for a little while.

That WASN'T to be taken as a sign of weakness!

If that's the way it goes down in history, fine by me. Personally I was just trying to end the pain.

Anyway after a couple more battles, I decide betrayal is a life-style choice that works for me... so back to the Delta.

I look great don't I? And look at that coat of arms, I'm so happy and, and... hey where's Adele? Dead? When'd that happen? Ah well, best just get a new one. So long as Omero lives to become Duke of Campagne, I'm happy. Now where to get a new wife...

 

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Great. She might not look like much, but remember the court painter always adds 20 pounds. Now it's just time to tie up some lose ends.

For example, I now live in Egypt I've no right to be trying to personal govern a county on the Baltic. By the time I hear about their herring problem, or whatever, it'll have been 3 years gone, and then another few years to send a message back. Granted, it's herring, so there's always a problem. I could most likely just always assume somethings wrong and go from there, but I don't want to.
I'll send my brother out there to govern. "Hey Albino, you like winter right?"

And it seems the Bishop of Siena has made a ploy for independence and is fighting the Emperor. Now I like seeing this sort of spunk, but I need to look out for myself. So I just mossy on over, claim the land, and end up in the right place at the right time to take over. It's like I move faster then time.




Now come back soon ya'hear? And See: Mummies! Sand! War! Blood! More Sand! Moslems! Tombs! The Holy Land! And did we say Sand?!

 

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The Galvanizing Germano​

Or: New Title Everyone, My Egyptian Summer​

Dear Diary: Word has reached me that smallpox left Firenze again. Apparently God's sense of humor often involves killing peasants to watch my reaction. Interestingly that first part is found in most of the jokes of the nobility in this age.


He also likes extortion, maybe we are in his image after all...

Today's to-do list:
-Wake up
-Feed dogs
-Plant seeds
-Beat peasants
-Become Heretic
-Kill Clergy
-Eat Dinner
-Go to sleep

Dear Dairy: I think I'll invade Egypt today

Everyone's doing their part to help the war effort

Hmm, those Fatmids seem to still be pretty strong, I'll attack the weaker sheiks to the south, then sneak up and...and, alright what is it? Message from the Pope? Lemme see.

Urge...to kill...rising. Danger...Omero....d'Appiano....Danger



Today's To-do List:
-Bravely fall in combat

Damn.

On the other hand, I got quite a little dukedom coming along. Too bad I have to rule it all myself, cause "I...can't get no...va-a-assals" I even have to bribe my own siblings to be loyal. I mean look at me...

I wish I was dead.

No wait, scratch that.

I wish God was dead.

Hmm.

Yeah, Much better

 

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The Grand Finish of Germano​

A few days in the life of Germano
Or: When will it end?​

Today started with some amusing news, I love watching religious folk fighting each other and not achieving anything substantive. It's one of the few joys left to me. Stupid heresy charges.

Along with pranks; for instance, what happens when an infant is made a count? Sure it's not nice, least of all the kid, but I'm already doomed, might as well make the most of it. Stupid heresy charges.

Is it wrong to celebrate this?

Well if it's crime, call me guilty. In fact they most likely already did, and would've even if I hadn't. Stupid heresy charges.

Stupid heresy charges.

She must think I'm someone else, but I'm not complaining. Not like anyone (especially the wife) will ever notice.

Err, think she'll notice this?

Well she shouldn't care too much.

Ah.


Let's see if there's anything else going on...








...no not really. So I guess I'll...what's this?

What's this then? Did I miss something?
...


....






....
SWEET!

Forced?!? Ha, you couldn't have paid me enough to stay. I'm outta here. I'm going to go relax on a beach in the south pacific and drink coconut based
alcoholic beverages given to me by nubile natives while being worshiped as Chumbahi, god of sea shells. Make sure to stop by in a few centuries after you export and all, but don't stay long as I'll make sure not to have any valuable trade goodss.

 

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Hello. I am Omero. I am seven years old. I am a Duke. Sometimes people think I have leprosy, but I do not. I was taught by my father until he left on a 'business trip', now I am sad.

Very sad.

But I got vassals for Christmas, and that made me happy. I got a white one, a blue one, and a yellow one. I also got the collectible white one with the flaw of a green crescent on it.

I have to go to Sunday School every week. I do not like it.


My adult friends tell me I have to go because I am a 'problem'. I do not understand.

I saw a play about my grandfather today. I have been told it is called 'Oedipus', but I know it's really about my grandfather. They told me it was written by Plato himself. Plato lived at least 100 years ago, since I can count to 100 and haven't reached his birthday yet. Plato must have been really smart to see the future.

This is the Byzantine Emperor. He is my hero because he defeated the moslems and took back the kingdom the last emperors lost. When I grow up I want to be just like him.

I was sad when he died. I was given this picture of his death by a scribe. It looks just like him. He must be a good drawer. But they tell me that is the picture he always draws and he got lucky this time.

Today I decided I am Jesus. Because he and the apostles lived in poverty, and so do I thanks to the Emperor's taxes. I hate taxes. And also...

What little money I have is given to even poorer people, so I must be Jesus. When I told adults that, the priest got very upset and said this was my only warning. The other adults laughed and said I am just like my father. I do not understand.