Not Another CK AAR

[EvilSanta]

All characters and events in this AAR, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. All stereotypes are impersonated...poorly. The following AAR contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.

This is Diego de las Asturias, pious count of Asturias de Oviedo and noble hero of this story. He is loyal vassal of Alfonso Jimenez, king of Leon. Diego is well learned man in theology and is widely respected as very intelligent and capable man.

RESPECT MY AUTHORITAAA!

This is Cristina de las Asturias, wife of Diego. She is, despite her name, not related to Diego besides marriage. (or thats what they tell us) Cristina is also considered highly intelligent woman. She loves politics and intrigue and so she acts as a spymaster for his husband and thus has most knowledge about different issues in whole realm.

More cheesy poofs, honey bunn?

Rodrigo de las Asturias is eldest son of Diego. He is very capable soldier but not the smartest kid around. He is famous for his swordsman skills.

Am I count yet?
No.
Am I count yet?
No.
Am I count yet?
Yes, Rodrigo, you are.
LIER!

Fruela de las Asturias is second eldest son of Diego. He is rebellious character who has both clubfoot and harelip from birth and because of those he is ridiculed by his brothers. He was raised to be diplomat but now he serves as steward for the count.

I hate you mom! You dont notife me at all! Im going to leave home! You will never fee me again!
Who was that guy?

Gutierre de las Asturias is best general in whole kingdom of Leon. The cruel military upbringing turned him into a person who feels no empathy for other human beings, especially infidels. He also loves wine and women and spends lots of money on them. Now he acts as marshal and military advisor for his father Diego.

Awww, look at that poor bird! It has hurted its wing. Id better take it home and heal it.

Bernardo de las Asturias is also son of Diego and favourite of Diegos liege Alfonso. Maybe because of this Bernardo gained his own county despite his young age. He is known to be chaste person. Some people doubt this as he has no wife and all girls avoid him because he is so cruel. Anyway, he is intelligent and very mature for his age, thanks to his military upbringing.

Eat my shorts!

Jimena de las Asturias is only daughter of Diego. Jimena is vengeful person who plots for the death of her mother. She is highly intelligent and thus dangerous person to deal with.

Hey duh, that cute Pedro like asked me like to dance with like him! Isnt he like sweet? Hey like mom, Im like going to like party, see you like tomorrow!

Last one of the main characters of this heartbreaking story is Alfonso Jimenez, king of Leon and evil liege of Diego. He is very cunning person who adores intrigue. Alfonso is very ambitious and plans for the death of his brother Sancho who is king of Castille and on a Reconquista to drive Moors away. His death would unite 2 kingdoms and make Alfonso one of the most powerful men in Europe.

Exx-cellent!



Welcome to life of Spanish nobles that is full of intrigue and plots!

 

[EvilSanta]

This is my newest AAR, played with Veldmarschaalks mod. I am playing, as you already guessed, county of Asturias de Oviedo in GC. This AAR will concentrate on persons, mostly members of de las Asturias dynasty and their actions. My characters are either products of my mind, stereotypes or imitations of famous people to small extent. I wont tell you what kind of an AAR this will be so you cant judge how badly I succeeded in what I tried.

 

[EvilSanta]

All characters and events in this AAR, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. All stereotypes are impersonated...poorly. The following AAR contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.

*in the shiny small castle of Asturias de Oviedo, count is having a little talk with his eldest son*

- Rodrigo, I you need to get married. It is going to be totally awesome!
- But I don wanna.
- Cristiiiiina. Rodrigo doesnt wanna marry.
- Wifey will make you a big pot pie!
- Ooo, kick ass!

*some time later, Rodrigo comes to see his father who is enjoying lunch*

- Hahahahahahahaa!
- No Rodrigo, this is my pot pie!
- Hahahahahaha!
- NO RODRIGO THIS IS MY POT PIE! Wiiiife, Rodrigo is beeing a dildo!
- Then I know certain son whos sleeping with mommy tonight.
- Awww, gross! Hey, s***w you Rodrigo, your getting married.

*very next day Rodrigo married a young woman from his little brothers court*

* Couple months later, a Popes messenger comes to see Diego*

- Piety Stu, wants to talk with you!
- Will you respect my authoritaaa?
- Piety Stu, brings word from Pope to you! Piety Stu, respects no fat count in Spain nor moon. Ooh yeah!
- Im not fat, Im big boned!
- Piety Stu, can banish you from church, too.
- What is it then, a**hole?
- Pope wants you to give a home to a bishop. Ooh yeah!
- Kiiiiiiiick aaaaaaaaas! I have always wanted my own bishop! Pray me bishopa, pray me bishopa!

*Diego has his first chat with the new bishop*

- Hey you idiot, convert heathens or I sell you to Paris!
- Please, Diego. Dont sell me to Paris. They are all goofy.
- Well, you better start converting then.
- Uh, oh, okey then...got to convert 3 million heathens before he sells me to Paris. I better start preaching and fast. Oh boy!
- Sweeeeeet.

*Couple of weeks later, Diego talks with his daughter Jimena*

- Ay! Why dont you go flirt a rich man and make some money to me!
- Are you like serious? Am I like getting married? I like love you daddy! Who is my like groom? I dont like care, Im getting like married! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK!
- Dont just sit there, girl. Go and make babies, it is womans job!

Weddings were kept quickly and suitable groom was founded wandering in the capital of county. Nobody knows who he was.

*Little later Diego had a talk with her wife about future of the county*

- This is sweet! By selling our daughter to random noble, we gained totally lots of money*
- That is lovely, hon.
- I am going to get our son totally killed!
- I dont think thats appropriate, hon.
- But Cristiiiiina. Everyone else is doing it. If I dont do it, my friends think I am totally uncool!
- Okey, hun. Want a chocolate cake?
- Sweeeeet!

*Diego travels to El Bierzo, buys a knife and stabs Bernardo in the middle of grocery store. As he is now also count of El Bierzo local police can do nothing but buy donuts*

 

[Veldmaarschalk]

Another AAR using my mod, great !


I have much respect for people who write comedy AAR's. It may look so simple and easy but I know for sure that it isn't.

 

[JMJ]

I'm going to follow this.

 

[EvilSanta]

Veldmarschaalk: I agree that comedy AARs are tough to write. Making people to laugh is considerably harder than listing what you have done in game. But I have equally high respect for people with great drama stories, I dont have skills to personalize my characters. Thus I end up with these comedy AARs that dont offer very high intelligence humour. I hope this will still be little better than Heroes Of Belgorod, that was personally a slight disappointment for me because it got so repetitive.

JMJ: I try not to disappoint you.

Next update will be up in couple of hours.

 

[EvilSanta]

All characters and events in this AAR, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. All stereotypes are impersonated...poorly. The following AAR contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.

*Bishop Felipe comes to inform Diego about his new invention*

- Uh, oh, I came with up with a neado idea. Please dont sell me to Paris or Ill get grounded!
- It better be good, idiot!
- We tell nobles that God intended them to exploit poor so they are more loyal!
- Ay! Thats awesome!

*Messenger from Diegos liege comes to see count*

- Paella Stu, has words from liege to you.
- Aww, damn it! What is it?
- Paella Stu, tells you need to mobilize and Reconquista Moors! Ooooh yeah!
- I...am...so...pissed...off...right...naaaaa!
- Paella Stu, tells you Toledo attacked Castile, booo!
- Aww, damn it! I am part of Leon!
- Paella Stu, tells you Spaniards pull one rope, like you. Oooh yeah!
- Aww, damnit!

Terrible Reconquista lasted for 4 months. Not a single one of counts men participated but the bishop Felipe managed to die. Apparently peasants werent so thrilled about his ideas.

*Fruela comes to Diegos room and has a talk*

- Dad! Im going to rebel againf fofiety! Im leaving home!
- Weak.
- You will never fee me again!
- Go ahead.
- Im...damn thif, tell mommy to bake me a cake.

*Few weeks later, Popes messenger arrives again to meet Diego*

- Piety Stu, tells killing your son is no good. Oooh yeah!
- That is so weak.
- Piety Stu, says Pope wants to see in church you.
- Wh..what can I do to avoid excommunication? I promise to be nice!
- Piety Stu, says you could go to church once, too.
- Wow, pleasing God IS easy.

 

[EvilSanta]

This AAR hasnt yet accomplished what I tried at all and I am not sure should I abandon this. This was supposed to be AAR that would draw its humour from absurd characters and their relations but without doubt I failed in this. When I read through this, it was just copying from South Park and other shows. I didnt even smile once. Clearly this kind of humour isnt my cup of tea.

 

[EvilSanta]

Come to think of it, I am abandoning this AAR before it gets anywhere. I just didnt enjoy writing or reading this myself. I am sorry if anybody enjoyed this (I doubt it highly) but I dont write if I cant enjoy it.

Im quite sad, I throught that the idea behind this AAR was good, I just wasnt able to use its potential.

 

[Veldmaarschalk]

To bad !

But you had 190 views, so people must have read it !

 

[JMJ]

It was funny to the end.