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Rødgrød med Fløde - A (hopefully) Comedic Danish AAR

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Sergeant
Oct 27, 2009
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Rødgrød med Fløde
Good Fun in The Greatest Country Ever
mappaf.png

Greetings, Greetings all! I am Svend, King of Denmark, undoubtedly the greatest country in the world. Never mind that I'm a womanizing alcoholic who walks with a limp and is by common consensus deemed incompetent, because I am certainly the greatest man who has ever lived and will ever live. Yes, I could tell you all about how tall I am, how handsome and suave, how I have a way with the ladies, and how many villages I've burned (two hundred and eighty three, by the way), but I'm modest, so I wont. *wink*

Denmark is a wonderful land, surrounded by some fine neighbors to the south, and some wannabes to the north. Here is a wonderful map that has no propaganda whatsoever that the Royal Minister of Propagan- I mean, the Cartographer has drawn up. As you can see, we have added appropriately descriptive adjectives where they are needed.

skandinavia.png

Denmark can be compared to any fine mistress in that it has two legs: Jylland to the West, and Skåne to the East. Now, between these legs is a sweet spot where all sorts of good things happen (once again reassuring that there is no propaganda whatsoever in this analogy), albeit smelling uncannily similar to fish. Once monthly, something not so pleasant happens here (tax time, of course, this is still an analogy) which makes people moody and extremely irritable. But, of course, despite this regularly unpleasant monthly occurrence, I personally enjoy quite enjoy being between the maid's- I mean, um, Denmark's... figurative... legs... *ahem*

As you already know, I have a way with the ladies, which is why I have so many sons around the court. Hell, most of them don't even know who their mother is. (Neither do I, really) I do have one illegitimate daughter by a Norwegian Princess, who happens to be my chancellor (I don't know how, though, but I was rather drunk on Christmas, 17 years back...)

Since Denmark is obviously the greatest country in all the world, I have decided to be generous and share the tales of fortune of our nation with all of you. So, give a listen, and we'll be sure to have lots and lots of fun in the greatest country in the world, Denmark!

-Svend, King of Denmark


THE HISTORY OF DENMARK
Reign of SVEND II
Section I
Section II​

- - - - - - - - - -

-I should very much hope that nobody finds this offensive, and that the above can be good fun and entertainment to all. :D
 
Last edited:
Enewald said:
I didn't know Oslo and Stockholm were that old cities? :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

You're right in that Stockholm was not; Oslo, however, was founded 8 years prior to the start of this AAR (1066) by Haraldr III 'harðráði' in 1048.
 
Silly Danes tend to be funny... I'll follow... :D
 
The Reign Of
SVEND II THE WOMANIZING
mappaf.png

Welcome back, you ungrateful non-Danish hounds! Let's have some fun.

As the time line progressed forth, I found myself faced with several important decisions; namely, what to wear to my court the next day. The rut begins. Every single day of my life, I have to hear some annoying maid who's name I never care to remember greet me in the morning. Of course, the same story over and over again, I was drunk, so I don't remember if the sex was good. :mad:

That all changed on December 28th, 1066, when a letter arrived in my courtroom.

nonsense.png

Apparently, Skjalm thinks his son is entitled to one of my illegitimate daughters (By a Norwegian princess, might I add {AGAIN WITH THE NOT REMEMBERING!!!}) and has requested that I cater to Auden's whim. Let's zoom in on this guy:
hvide.png
Is this not the most weasel-faced Sjællander you've ever seen? I would kill myself if I ever found out that Denmark's capital was ever moved to some hellhole like København. Reluctantly, I accepted this marriage proposal between the child of my alcoholism and the mustelid-visagéed man from across the belt.

Speaking of weasels, have you all met my favourite bastard, my first son Harald?
bastardnumberone.png
He's mostly useless, and as you can see, the frame around his portrait is not nearly as fabulous as mine. He'll obviously never be as great as me. And, as you can also plainly see, he is bald. Not sexy, masculine, Bas Rutten bald, but looking like a saggy centenarian. Who has sideburns without a beard, anyway?

He's going to be the King someday. I'm personally quite grateful that I won't live to see it.

As I was saying, being the greatest civilization ever conceived can be a bit boring at times. Of course, it does have its perks. Prima Noctis is something that nobody gets tired of, especially when you're as gifted as I am. (Which you are not, by the way.) Two words, my friend: Skønne Møer.

Being King of Denmark also pays quite well, as opposed to being, for example, the Baron of Medelpad. That Kolbjorn lives off of salt herring for less than a quarter-farthing per month. We, on the other hand, can still afford to keep taxes low and donations high. Observe.

payswell.png

This of course is mostly blown (no pun intended) on fine foreign maidens who happen to be visiting the court. :eek:o

That's all for now, folks! Tune in shortly as we cover the problem of the Swedes, and Jewish courtiers!
 
The Reign Of
SVEND II THE WOMANIZING
mappaf.png

So, you've come crawling back. I knew you would. Don't ask how, I just knew you would. They all do.

Anyway, this morning, I entered the Hall and noticed somebody new there. At first, I thought he was just another Dane, but then I noticed his nose, and thought "Oh God..."
jewf.png

How the f*ck this guy showed up here, I shall never know, nor do I want to know. Just like my son, he's bald and mostly useless, but he has something that my son doesn't: Judaism = Financial Sense = Instant Steward. Of course, I don't advocate for stereotypes, so I'd hate to find out that he's German, or Decietful, or has anything more than a farthing in his pocket. Or tiny ears, or sunken eyes, or a saggy jaw, or poofy lips...

Today, my a girl in court made me want to adopt her as my own. She stood tall, and said "I am better than the rest of you. Especially if you aren't Danish, then you deserve to have your eyes gouged out with a wooden spoon, and then be fornicated with a glowing hot branding iron!"
monsterm.png

How very right she was, being that Denmark is, without a doubt, the greatest country in the world. My overjoyedness was cut short, however, by a disturbing message.
whatthehellh.png

Of all the rotten, dirty, homosexual Swedish tricks, this has to be the worst. They actually want me to accept this alliance? It has to be propaganda (which I would know nothing about)! Of course, I declined.

Then, of course, it happened again. Some Swedish bastard wanted one of my daughters.
whatthehell20.png

I know for certain that this is some sort of sick joke, as it is common knowledge that the Swedes are all homosexual. I don't care that they were asking for one of my ugly daughters that I can't stand looking at, I said no! I mean, look at these guys!
swede.png

Now that is a face only a mother could love, if there were any women in Sweden. However, there are not, so they have to substitute their man-friends. They're worse than Sjællanders!

Anyway, let's move on.

goodandbad.png
Wow... I really didn't expect that to work... While you guys weren't looking, I made a deal with the Baron of Kalmar. He would become my vassal, and pay me taxes, and in return, he gets protection. Making a deal with the Swedes is quite painful, though as my ass- I mean, um, my ego... my ego has been aching ever since. Also, proof that Karma exists: shortly following my anal encounter, my son fell deathly ill. Of course, this isn't Harald, so he doesn't have to live. It's all good! :D

- - - - -

So, keep watching! Where shall Denmark go from here? Will Svend's ego ever recover? Will Sweden be vanquished? We shall see!
 
Ha, the Swedes will crush you and your puny Kingdom!
 
Well, fellows, it looks like this is Farewell to my copy of CK. My old PC went through a whole self-inflicted implosion. The fans failed and the processor melted itself, the power supply is dead, and the intense heat from all this has damaged my CK copy. Time for me to shell out some money and buy EUIII, and then I'll buy CKII when/if it ever is released.
 
Hallcha said:
Well, fellows, it looks like this is Farewell to my copy of CK. My old PC went through a whole self-inflicted implosion. The fans failed and the processor melted itself, the power supply is dead, and the intense heat from all this has damaged my CK copy. Time for me to shell out some money and buy EUIII, and then I'll buy CKII when/if it ever is released.
Click to expand...

:eek: What a dramatic end! It's a shame; this was a nice AAR while it lasted.
 
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