Some kind of Polish AAR

[tombom]

This is pretty non-serious, just something I'm going to update whenever I feel like it. Poland, 1066, 18th November.

Prologue
A computer geek was sitting in his bedroom, laughing at obscene computer-related jokes nobody finds funny. Except him. Suddenly an evil thought flashed through his mind. He laughed manically, until his mum called him down for tea.

When he returned, he started laughing manically again. He returned to the command line - for extra kudos - and typed in "C:\Program Files\Paradox Entertainment\Crusader Kings\Crusaders.exe". Manic laughing continued throughout the night, until the neighbours complained.

 

[tombom]

Chapter 1 - the Beginning
The computer geek had a gag round his mouth now. Muffled laughing was still audible, although it came with the sound of gagging. He pressed the Singleplayer button on his computer screen and chose "The Battle of Hastings (1066)" from the list that appeared. He then chose Poland. He pressed start and laughed. If only the magic gremlins that powered the game[1] knew what he was going to do...

The game loaded and he saw the map. Quickly switching to a view with lots of colours, he started dribbling. It dripped down his chin and on to the keyboard. (His gag had fallen off. Not tied that well). He started oraganising the affairs of his kingdom when suddenly something drew him into the screen. He expected to find himself in the computer or in the world described by the game, as shown in so many other stories, but he ended up in the king of Poland's mind. Of course, it wasn't the brain he was staring at, but people rushing about and controlling the mind of the King. The computer geek (named Fred incidentally) went into shock, so some kind people that looked like noses helped him.

When he was OK again, he wandered around and listened. People were barking orders. He heard somebody shouting something.

"My liege, we have an offer from the Doge of Venice of an alliance"

Suddenly another person barged in and said

"My liege, we have an offer from the King of Hungary of an alliance"

Fred wondered if the messangers were twins. The two offers were accepted at once with little thought as they would always be beneficial.
_______________________________
[1] Artistic liscense. Obviously.

 

[unmerged(35381)]

Total game time passed: 5 days
Well, if you mock AARs(the bullshit part anyway) enough I'll stick with this one.

 

[tombom]

Total game time passed: 5 days
Well, if you mock AARs(the bullshit part anyway) enough I'll stick with this one.

More like 6 days actually .

Thanks for the compliment. Any constructive criticism welcome.

New update should be sometime tonight, if my sister doesn't start hogging the PC...

 

[tombom]

Chapter 65536 - Look! My AAR is LOOONNNGGG!!![1]
Boleslaw walked to the window and picked his nose. Today was a fine day, by Boleslaw's reckoning. This was unlikely to be the image of most people's however, as he seemed to think that cold was great. Although this was probably something made up by later historians just to make him look like an idiot. The reigns of many virtual Boleslaws had ended up with somebody attempting a World Conquest, or as far as the map went. This Boleslaw was different - he was going to get bored before he finished. And that was a promise.

Fred stared out the window. It was icy, so he took out some de-icer and sprayed. For the one court member who had The Sight and could see virtual hallucinations, this was a sight that tore him into many pieces and chucked him into the great beyond. For others, they couldn't see him, so nothing changed. Which was pleasant for the number of recoverable errors.

The great Hungarian king suddenly started to telepathically communicate with Boleslaw, freezing all time. "Boleslaw, I come to you in my time of need...". He faded out and then faded in again for dramatic effect. "I have declared war on the mighty Pechengs and need your help." Boleslaw thought and then replied "Aren't the Pechengs that tiny pagan tribe down in Wallachia?." After recieving no reply, Boleslaw felt that he had to reply with a declaration of war against the tribe.

A few seconds later the Venetian Doge got in contact in the same way. As Venice was full of business executives, they liked to call it "video conferencing". "Great news!" said the Doge, who had recently gained a degree in optomism. "I have destroyed the tiny Pechengs by sending over a large regiment of my finest troops. Nobody shall stop me! Mwahahhaaha." Fred thought he should take a lesson in sounding evil.

_______________________________________
[1] It's chapter 2 really. I think.

 

[tombom]

A quarter of an update
Fred looked out and watched the army procession. Wearing silly ornate headdresses, the officers started to bark orders. Then they all started to walk off into the distance. Fred flew along in a strange bubble and watched as they walked through Kievan territory. As they did that, a couple of robotic decoys on each side suddenly died. The decoys had been made to avoid the automatic attrition from walking through neutral territory.

And through the marching noises, a storm was brewing.[1]

____________________________
[1]Of course, this is absolutely useless to the story.

I was running out of ideas here; please forgive me.

 

[unmerged(35381)]

A few seconds later the Venetian Doge got in contact in the same way. As Venice was full of business executives, they liked to call it "video conferencing". "Great news!" said the Doge, who had recently gained a degree in optomism. "I have destroyed the tiny Pechengs by sending over a large regiment of my finest troops. Nobody shall stop me! Mwahahhaaha." Fred thought he should take a lesson in sounding evil.

_______________________________________
[1] It's chapter 2 really. I think.

Fred really does need to start sounding like a crazed king, , on the other side, good job Venice, and its really 2^17 chapter.

 

[tombom]

Chapter 3 (or something) - America is a Long Way Off
Fred wandered around a world map, and eventually came to America. Now he realised America was a long way off from Poland, so he went back. He had given the writer an excuse for the title.

Salamon Arpad of Hungary walked to Heves. There was a revolt by the Count of Heves there. "Salamon," he said, "I am revolting." "I know, I can smell you from here!" laughed back. "Get it?" His splutters slowly died out as he realised nobody else was laughing. Still, he had pionerred one of the worst jokes ever, up there with "Why did the chicken cross the road" and "My dog has no nose". "Salamon, I hate you. My wife will annoy me with it all day."

Meanwhile, an army under the count of Severin and Turnu was advancing. It carried brussel sprouts to ward off intruders. A man would eat 1 each day and his farts would easily knock anybody out. When they reached Hemes, they began to siege it.

The Pechengs had recently had a contest to see who could make their country self-destruct the fastest. Unfortunately, the first contestant had been so succesful, declaring war on many other nations surrounding them, that none of the other contestants could try. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Back in Poland, Boleslaw was happily married to Jimena de Oviedo, the youngest daughter of some obscure Spanish count, although Fred had assured him "she is great stat-wise, and one of the better lookers too!". Of course, this wasn't saying much, thought Boleslaw, considering the state of some of the old hags.

Jimena

AssortedHags (tm)

 

[unmerged(36722)]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


this is some funny stuff.

 

[billy bob]

lol. Good job. Attack the Prussian tribes.

 

[unmerged(20844)]

*subscribes*
your AAR seems to be promising gl, i hope you can make me re-install CK

 

[tombom]

Thanks for all the encouragement guys!

Chapter 4 - Title Granting and Event Thinking
After the war, Boleslaw had to grant some of his territory to his vassals, or so he was told, supposedly to "increase efficency". Boleslaw hadn't noticed his efficency decreasing, but that was probably because he was too busy not collecting taxes.

Meanwhile, in the town of Little Whining - which was actually called Oleyshe, but the locals called it Little Whining - a pagan was having a bath. He was thinking of what events could spice up the life of a player in a game he was planning called "Crusader Kings". He'd thought of "Mughal Universalis"[2] but had no idea what this "Mughal" was and he had been told not to trust voices in the head. He thought of events for people who controlled so called "Pagan" provinces which would make their life hell. He heard a voice in his head telling him bad players were already getting annoyed. [1]

"Your Pagan subjects want to celebrate their holy feast day? What sort of a message is that?" Coleslaw, as Boleslaw was known affectionately to his friends, was getting annoyed. Fred explained. "You have either an A choice, 'I forbid it' or a B choice 'I suppose that's OK'. I suggest you take the B choice. Boleslaw calmed down until somebody came along saying the crusades had started and that Pagans needed to be killed. Boleslaw went on a hunt then, and brought back a large boar he's stabbed repeatedly - about fifty times.

______________________________________________
[1]This is why I hate attacking pagans. The one thing I really hate about the betas.
[2]Read the Timurid Scientists by the great Peter Ebbesen.