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The Adventures of Corporal Summer

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The winter of 1938 was a harsh one, snow never stopped falling from the heavens and all action on the western front had ground to an abrupt halt. Preminitions of another manpower draining stalemate such as the one in the Great War were popping up in everyone's minds. After a promising start that saw the British troops advancing rapidly through the Bocage and the South the Germans managed to plug the holes in their lines and the British presence in Occupied France was reduced to an oversized beachead at Caen. At a forward lookout post several miles outside Caen is where Corporal Summer is huddled along with two other squad members in a tent...

Summer: Is that cuppa bovril ready yet squire?

Black: Do you really have to refer to me as squire all of the time and yes, the bovril is ready.

Summer: Luv'ly, can't beat a cuppa this stuff on a cold day.

Black: Indeed, this is by far my favorite hot beverage on a day where the cold is so bitter as tis today.

Lauban: Yo swallowed a dictionary or sumfing Blak'. Yo sound like me old litrature teacher.

Summer: You went to school? Well ya learn summat everyday don't ya.

Lauban: Hey!

Lauban threw his mess tin across the tent in the direction of Summer who flung out an arm. The result of this defense was that of the contents of the tin landing upon Black's head.

Black: Gentlemen! Do you think that tonight we may have a civilised discussion rather than the usual shit that is bandied about.

Summer: Do mine ears deceive me? Did Squire just say shit, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Lauban: Didn't sumone famous say that?

Summer: Oh they will.

Lauban: Huh?

Summer: You see-

He was cut short by an almighty blast not far from their tent.

Lauban: Fuck, is that the Germans?

Black: No strangely enough it's the England Cricket team getting in a bit of practice.

Lauban: Oh really?

Summer: Sometimes I really wonder about you Lauban.

The three snatched up their weapons and helmets and like bullets out of a gun they shot out of the tent and into prone positions at the top of the hill.

Black: There, next to those tree's, that looks like 2 Half Tracks and 3 Infantry.

Lauban: 3 Infantry? Is that it, we might have a chance then.

Summer: That's short for 30 men Lau.

Lauban: Ahhhhh. Hey! The shelling's stopped.

Black: That was very short wasn't it, listen to that silence? It's unnatural...

Lauban: I can't hear any silence?

Summer: That's because it's silent. Now put a lid on it lads, we're gonna have a closer look. If any of you should tread on a bit of barbed wire on no accounts must you go arrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh.

Lauban: Hav you jus' tread in sum barbed wire?

Summer: No I've just put my elbow in a blob of ice cream.

Lauban: Oh that's alright then.
 
hey muckypup! Off to a good start!
 
gentlemen i intend to see this one thru, sorry for the weird intro, all will be revealed in time - thanks 4 kind comments
 
Major Haversham is sitting at his desk in his beautiful office 35 miles behind the frontline at Caen. In front of him there are 3 men, all nerously looking around standing to attention. The 3 are Corporal Summer and Privates Black and Lauban...

Haversham: Now, you three. Explain to me this instance what happened down there in the valley two nights ago.

Summer: Sir, it was dark.

Haversham: Yes I know it was bladdy well dark but that does not account for you three destroying half of this divisions supplies does it. Now I want a full explanation and I want it now!

Summer: Very well, you see we were sitting in our tent enjoying a nice cup of bovril and then we heard an almighty blast. So I assumed it was a shell exploding. We got into position at the top of the hill and were surveying what was below in the valley. Private Black spotted 2 Half Tracks and about 30 Infantry and-

Lauban: Yer they weren't even jerries ya-

Summer sharply elbowed Lauban in the ribs.

Summer: And we proceeded down the hill to check it out. Private Lauban here accidently tripped on a rabbit hole, his rifle went off and the bullet shot straight through my water can. Lauban, along with his gear went tumbling down the hill. Well, twas only tha rite thing to do, so me n Black followed him. All this noise attracted attention from the German units in the valley. They started firing, we managed to dodge all of the bullets and make it into the fuel depot. We assume that the Jerries were tryin to capture the depot, so we put up a fight. Unfortunately, while we were hiding, I mean taking cover, behind a fuel tank Private Lauban attempted to throw a grenade over his shoulder at the enemy. Well, the grenade rebounded off of the metal tank and landed inside this really big one. We barely escaped wit our lives, i think the Jerries got a shock when they saw it go up in flames.

Haversham: A shock! A shock of relief you did their dirty work for them. I would have no reservations of just court marshalling you all. However, you were attempting to defend it from the enemy against all odds. So I shall let this incident pass without taking any action. Now away with you, and you sohuld hope that Jerry does not make a push before we can replenish all of those munitions.

The three, half walking half running, exit the room and proceed along the corridor not saying a word until they are safely outside of the building. Here they collapse into a cafe that is half filled with MP's and officers from the nearby Headquaters...

Lauban: Phew we got off.

Black: No thanks to you Lauban, you nearly cost us our ranks and possibly our lives.

Summer: Yer, if that major had known that those trooops we saw were just a passing convoy of Free French troops then we wouldda been in deep water.

Lauban: Hey! how was I meant to know that they were Frogs.

Black: Whoever they were there was no need to run down the hill chucking grenades. I must say Summer that was some cover up job you did back there.

Summer: mmm I thank you.

French Waitress: Bonjour, could I get something for you gentlemen to drink?

Black: I'd love to but we-

Summer: I'll have a pint of guiness my dear lady.

Lauban: Me too.

Black: Very well, I'll have a glass of white wine s'il vous plait.

French Waitress: Ah oui.

Summer: Ahhh look at the arse on that one.

Lauban: What one?

Summer: The waitress you spanner!

Lauban: Oh yea......mmm.

Black: Please you perverts, you wouldn't have a chance with someone as sophisticated as her.

Summer: Wanna bet?

Black: Why I am not a gambling man but....ah well. A pack of cigarettes.

Summer: You're on!
 
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It turned out that Major Havershams fears were duly founded, barely a day after the meeting between Haversham and the three soldiers the Germans made a push. The Brits and Free French forces were unable to hold the push and a huge effort was made by the Royal Navy and the public of coastal towns and villages in South East England to evacuate the troops from the beaches in and around Caen. It was a gargantuan effort by the public and the date will go down in history and movies and games will be made, all entitled 'Caen'. Here ended the Allied presence in Occupied France...

Summer: Ahhh, great to be back in a good ol' English pub taint it boys?

Lauban: Yep sure is, so Sums. Did ya win the bet with Blak ere?

Summer: Err well-

Black: He jolly well didn't. Fancy a smoke Lauban?

Black produced a new pack of cigarettes from a pocket and offered them to Lauban who accepted. They both lit up and laughed at Summer who had turned a deep shade of red.

Summer: Anyway, what are we gonna do now?

Lauban: I was gunna have anuther pint?

Summer: No, now that Jerry's kicked us outta France, where are we goin to go?

Black: Who knows?

Lauban: Maybe he does.

Summer: Who?

Lauban: Him, the tall blonde haired young man sitting at that table.

Lauban had pointed to a corner where a tall blonde haired young man was sitting at a table with 3 empty pint glasses and a sign hanging above him bearing the word: 'MuckyPup'. The 3 finished the heads of their drinks, Black sipped his final bit of white wine and they stood up and ambled to MuckyPup's table...

Lauban: Erm, hello mate. Is your name-

MuckyPup: MuckyPup, yes that's my name.

Lauban: How did ya know I was gunna say dat?

MuckyPup: Because, I'm the writer and I just told you to.

All Three: Huh?

MuckyPup: This is just a meaningless AAR which once it reaches 50 replies will dry up and fall into the pits of hell with all my other failed and doomed AAR's. They'll be lost for eternity.

Summer: I think you've had one too many to drink squire.

MuckyPup: No I haven't because I told you to say that. IT'S ALL A STORY LINE!

Black: Well, prove it!

MuckyPup: Why am I doing this to myself! Alright, I will make you jump on the table and shout I love the Clarinet.

Black: I'd like to see you make me- ahhhhhhhh.

Black bent down, sprung onto the table. However his foot caught the seat and he fell onto the table with an amazing force, the ancient table split right down the middle flinging glasses, ashtrays, beer and Black to the floor. The others burst out laughing. Black picked himself up, wiping beer off his nose and shards of glass out of his hair.

MuckyPup: You believe me now!

Summer: We certainly do, now explain more about this AAR to me?

MuckyPup: Well, people on HoI do games and write After Action Reports. Hence the name AAR.

Lauban: HAHAHAHA I get it. You see, A A R. AFTER ACTION REP-

SMACK!

MuckyPup: Thanks Summer.

Lauban: Hey you told him to do that!

MuckyPup: Anyway, over time the AAR's have evolved into stories and books and God knows what. I am trying to add a little spice to mine so that people might actually read it.

Black: So we are just a story then?

MuckyPup: Well a story based on an HoI save on my computer.

Lauban: Whats a computer?

MuckyPup: Jesus, forget it.

Lauban: Ok then.

MuckyPup: Now the Brits have been kicked out of France I don't know what I'm going to write about now. Nothing is happening in the game, therefore nothing is happening in the AAR.

Summer: Surely, if you are writing it, then you can write in anything you want?

MuckyPup: Yeeeeees but, it has to go along with the story. Sort of anyway.

Black: How about we help you think of some ideas?

MuckyPup: What's the point, you are me, I am you. We are one and the same.

Lauban: I want a beer.

MuckyPup: Sure.

POP

Lauban: WOW!

Summer: I have an idea Mucky. How about, to liven up the story. You make us into spies and the story follows the characters and you can add bits of the game in, statisics for example along the way.

MuckyPup: Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?

Black: You just did.

MuckyPup: Oh yes, well. You shall all be spies but before that. Go on home and get a good nights rest. You're going to need it!

All Three: You cheap cliche merchant.

Three buckets of rotten fish emptied over the 3 pouting soldiers and with a small pop, MuckyPup was gone...
 
semi-lobster,

thank you kind gentleman...i shall of course keep up this AAR, I am actually enjoying writing it AS WELL as playing it. so all is good. at this very moment im meant to be Revisin 4 meRS mock IM ONLY 15 :'( but i nearly finished so soon, i shall update.. chow 4 now :)
 
Well, im viewer #69, so thats more than 50 and it hasn't dried up yet...... :D

I say keep going!
 
Exterous and Black Rattler!!!!!!

Thank you for viewing good people, i hear your cries. my destiny is to fulfill this AAR, i shall do so.... the update is coming gentlemen, repent for the day is niiiigh :eek:
 
It is early morning, about 9AM, and the 3 soon-to-be spies were sitting in Summers drawing room listening to the wirelss. They were all hung over, apart from Black of course, after a night on the town...

Summer: Hell's Bell's, I'm so tired I co- *yawn* -uld sleep for a week.

Black: Well that's your comeupance for not heeding MuckyPup's advice.

Summer: Mer mer ner ner wur wur wice.

Black: Oh you may mock now, but at half past midnight tonight when you're crawling through the undergrowth of the Bocage with half of Germany after you. That's when I'll be laughing.

Lauban: No you won't.

Black: Won't be what?

Lauban: Laughing. If you laugh then you're sure to be found.

Black: Oh put a lid on it you simpleton.

Lauban: Simpleton, yo...yo...you st..stu.stupid poshy.

Summer: Shut it you two. I've got a bladdy bad headache and you're fitin aint 'elpin it.

There was a moment of silence in which the only thing to be heard was the whining of the wireless...

Lauban: What, I mean why do they call it a dwarin room.

Blacking: Drawing.

Lauban: Huh?

Black: Drawing, not 'dwarin'.

Lauban: Oh, is it for...'drawing'...

Summer: D'yu think, my folks wud have a house this big and have a room this big for...'dwarin?'

Lauban: I dunno, we only got a tiny house in d east end.

Black: Well it is not for drawing.

Summer: Readin' mate.

Lauban: Why dun't they call it a readin' room then?

Summer: I aint got a clue.

Black: I think it is called a dra-

There was a small pop and MuckyPup suddenly appeared on top of a very tall bookcase in the corner of the room...

MuckyPup: Dam! Wait a sec.

There was another small pop and MuckyPup appeared at Summers shoulder...

MuckyPup: Right, get up.

All 3: Alllllright.

MuckyPup: You'll be dropping into occupied France tonight. I'm going to kit you up now.

There were a series of pops. All three men were suddenly dressed in black uniforms, they had more pockets than Lauban had had chip sandwiches. Each had a Sten sub-machine gun slung over their shoulders and a long rack of grenades strung diagonally across their torsos...

Lauban: Wooooo look at all this stuff! Look at my gun!

Black: I'd ask you to be carefull with that wea-

Lauban's fascination with the gun had lead him to pretend to shoot Black in the head. It was lucky that Lauban was such a poor shot, his finger accidently pressed down on the trigger and 2 bullets whizzed past Blacks head and into the wooden panelling on the walls...

Lauban: Sorry

Black: You should be! You nearly killed me!

MuckyPup: Oh yer, I forgot to mention. You three have 15 lives each.

Summer: Really! Cool.

Summer sprayed some bullets into Black who presently flew backwards off of his chair. He stood up and before their eyes the bullet wounds were healing...

Lauban: COOL!!!

He whipped up his machine gun and also filled Black full of bullets who again fell off of his chair and stood up...

Black: Right that's it!

He shot both of them in the face and they both shot backwards smashing some tables and chairs...

MuckyPup: STOP IT! In France or Germany, or wherever I put you. You will need your goddamn lives.

Summer: Shit, sorry Squire.

Lauban: Yer me too Blacky.

Black: You should be.

MuckyPup: Now, meet me at Biggin Hill airport at 5PM.

Lauban: Why Biggin Hill?

MuckyPup: I don't know any others.

Summer: Aite then MuckyPup. Now all of you, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE GETS DESTROYED!
 
u want more? my fingers r tired :'(
 
ill do an update l8a on tonite, i wish some1 wud actually even pretend their interested lol
 
well im bak from exams and i intend to carry this AAR on, so there is an update coming very soon i promiose you. i am only carryin this one on cos i tink it ahas some potential.
 
The time is 1PM and our 3 heroes (sorry) are on their way to Biggin Hill. It is a beautiful afternoon and are walking along a winding country road, the sun is beating down upon them and the sweet song of birds chilling out serenades them...

Summer: Ain't this beatiful lads?

Black: Yes, I must admit that it is very pleasant, just walking along, at one with nature.

Summer: Not walking along, this! Look at it!

Summer flapped a small black and white picture in front of their faces...

Lauban: Ah wow, can I have a closer look Summer?

Summer: Yer sure, don't get it all grubby thou.

Lauban snatched the photo and surveyed it, not saying anything. Just staring at the photo, intoxicated by it's image...

Black: What exactly is it a picture of Summer?

Summer: Miss Fanny.

Black: Miss who!

Summer: Fanny, got it at the gentlemans club.

Lauban span round his eyes full of admiration...

Lauban: Yo-y-you went to the ge-gentlemans club?

Summer: Well, yea sort of.

Black: How grotesque, how on earth did you get in there.

Summer: To tell you the truth MuckyPup went in, I sort of stayed outside, he gave me this thou.

Lauban: Super! This photo is really something.

Summer: It is isn't it.

Lauban: Just look at the pair of hooters on her.

Summer: Give it ere'. Ya dirty perve.

Black: You are both perverts.

Summer: Don't make me use this.

Summer lifted up his Sten Machine gun...

Lauban: Yer come on, lets ave a fite!

Black: No, we could get arrested.

Summer: Oh PUH-LEEZ this is an AAR, like that could happen.

Black: Forget it, out of the question, save it for the enemy.

Summer: But you are the enemy.

Lauban: Yea, I think Black is scared, oooooooo cluck cluck cluck!

Lauban strutted round in circles in the road with his arms tucked high under his armpits clucking like a chicken...

Black: Stop it you idiot!

Lauban: Cluck cluck cluck!

Summer: Classic, cluck cluck cluck!

Summer was now strutting round immitating a chicken, Lauban bent down as if to peck the floor and Summer could not control himself. He burst out laughing rolling around on the floor...

Lauban: Peck peck cluck cluck cluck!

Black: ENOUGH!!!!

Summer stopped rolling about instantly and turned to look at the sky, a great roaring anonunced the arrival of a German fighter plane...

Summer: Bollocks, quick guys to the side of tha road.

Black and Summer ran and dived into the ditch running along the side of the country road...

Summer: Phew.

Black: Very close.

Summer: Wait, Lauban!

Lauban was still strutting around the road immitating a mentally ill chicken, he was now shaking his head violently and the dizziness was causing him to walk, sorry strut, as if he was very drunk...

Summer: Lauban, you twat get over ere.

Black: Lauban!

Lauban: Cluck cluck cluck!

The pilot also appeared to have noticed this, he was baring down on the mentally ill chicken impressionist machine guns blazing...

Lauban: Cluck clu-

BANG!!

Lauban was blown 50 foot into the air. As suddenly as it appeared the plane was gone. Summer rushed over to the limp figure of Lauban 20 yards down the road and Black followed at a slower pace still scanning the skies all of the time...

Summer: Lau you stupid fu-

Black: Is he dead?

Summer: He looks it.

Black: I am sure he had more lives left.

Summer: So'm I.

Black: Lauban, are you hearing this.

Lauban: No.

Summer: You bloody idiot Lauban, you had me scared.

Black: Indeed, that was not funny.

Lauban: Sorry guys, didn't see that plane.

Summer: Or us running for cover.

Black: I thought MuckyPup was going to try and add some spice to the AAR by killing off a character.

Summer: He wouldn't do that.

Strange voice from the skies: Oh wouldn't I?

Lauban: Who's that?

Summer: Lets just go shall we.

About 3 hours later the three had reached Biggin Hill...

Lauban: Yay we're here, thatn took a long time didn't it.

Summer: Yea, took an age. Wudnt ave minded if it werent for that friggin Policeman trying to nick us.

Black: Yes, it was most embarassing.

Lauban: I am sooooooo sorry your royal highness, I thought he wanted to swap hats.

Summer: I wonder where the airport is?

Black: Follow me my friends, I have visited Biggin Hill before when I joined up.

They followed him to the airbase, they found the correct runway and field thanks to the help of an airman named Derek...

Summer: Ta Derek, we can just wait ere rite?

Derek: Yes certainly old chap. I'll wait with you if you want, we can yarn about the good old days.

Black: Finally some intellectual conversation.

Lauban: What did he just say?

Summer: Come on Lau, lets leave these big heds alone, see ya at 5 Black.

Black: Whatever.

Derek: Tally Ho!

Summer and Lauban walked off over the airstrip and started out toward a small building with pilots sitting around outside relaxing...

Lauban: Shall we go and sit with those soldiers over there?

Summer: Are you mad? They're RAF.

Lauban: Really?

Summer: Yes.

Lauban: And?

Summer: We hate the RAF.

Lauban: Do we?

Summer: Yes we do!

Lauban: Whatever ya say boss, lets paly a trik on em.

Summer: Great idea, rite, go and steal that kettle of tea taht is boiling by the back window.

Stealthily Lauban crept up to the back window facing away from the relaxing pilots. He reached a hand inside and stole the teapot...

Lauban: Ere ya go, now wut?

Summer: Nice work squire, I shall put a bit of my magic medicine in.

Lauban: What's that then?

Summer: Salt, it will ruin the brew.

Lauban: Oh nice one mate.

Summer: Get it out of my pack will ya, in the back pocket.

Lauban: Sure.

Lauban opened the pack, he rooted through Summer's possesions until he came to a small plastic packet sealed at the top containing large white granules which sparkled in the sunshine. He was about to zip up the bag when he spotted another packet, exactly the same except the granules were miniscule and very fine. Lauban had a dilema, he decided upon the fine granuled packet and replaced the packet with large granules and zipped up the bag.

Lauban: Got it.

Summer: Right, take it back to the window and add the magic medicine.

Lauban: Alrite then.

Lauban emptied the contents of the plastic packet into the kettle and replaced it upon the windowsill. Within another moment he was back at Summer's side...

Summer: Lau, I have just opened my bag and guess what I have just found.

Lauban: A fish?

Summer: What??!!

Lauban: A fi-

Summer: No! The salt.

Lauban: No I put the salt in the tea-pot.

Summer: Well, I had two packets, one was a packet of salt for my rations and one was a packet of cocaine that I am, well was, minding for Harry the Bastard.

Lauban: What's cocaine.

Summer: It's a very strong drug that must be taken in moderation. You have just emptied an entire packet into that kettle which has just boiled.

Lauban: So.

Summer: You have just drugged the RAF!
 
At this moment in time Corporal Summer and Privates Black and Lauban are not in England. They have parachuted out of the British transport plane over France. The stoned RAF crew managed to not make any great mistakes although dive bombing Buckingham Palace is quite bad. However what is happening in England will not help the spies. Their sexy spy uniforms have been taken away because the author only realised at the last moment that the Germans might notice a futuristic asassin. In accordance with every Para drop of the second world war the three were split up and thrown all aobut the country side. Each post from now on will follow a single member of the team and their exploits in Occupied France...

Summer: Guys, hey where are ya.

Silence...

Summer: Ha funny! No seriously now the Jerries will ave erd the plane, we gotsta get outta ere.

Even more silence...

Summer: Brilliant, well I'll be going then.

Yeah you guessed it, silence...

Summer: Well SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEW YOU!

What else did you expect? Silence...

Summer: Wait a minute, wind is pretty strong. What did Derek say? It is possible that we could get split up. Buggeration I DO NOT BE-

German Soldier: Raus Raus!

Summer: Are you talking to me?

German Soldier: Ja!

Summer: Wait a sec I don't speak gobbelejook, MuckyPup give me the knowledge to speak French, German and errr Chinese.

MuckyPup: Sure mate.

POP

Summer: Sorry bout that what were ya saying?

German Soldier: I said hands up!

Summer: Oh yer, course, sorry.

Summer promptly stuck his hands in the air. Then suddenly an idea entered his mind...

Summer: What do you want with me, I am a simple French peasant from the village.

German Soldier: Why do you wander round ze fields at night shouting?

Summer: Erm, I am practising to be an announcer.

German Soldier: Vot vill you anounce?

Summer: Erm......funerals.

German Soldier: Funerals?

MuckyPup: Funerals???

Summer: Yes funerals, when there is eeer an funeral I will eeeer announce it to the eer village.

German Soldier: Hmmm it seems very suspicious to me, you vill accompany me to the barracks for interrogation.

Summer: I don't think so.

Que dramatic music, Summer attempts to recreate a Jackie Chan movie. He flips over backwards, slips on a slimy log and cracks his head on a rather large boulder...

German Soldier: I've had enough of this, come vit me!

2 Hours later, Summer disposed of the German. He didn't kill him of course, he wouldn't know how. He simply asked to go to toilet when they were passing a river. He went to the river and pushed his guard into the water. The German Soldier's rifle clogged up in water and it was so cold that the shock prevented him from following. At the present moment Summer was dressed as an onion seller sitting with a very pretty French waitress in the backroom of a cafe. This was the Cafe Rennes, a favorite haunt of the German troops currently stationed in the town. He was dressed as an onion seller because that was all he had been given by the leader of the French resistance, Michelle. He was sitting with the petty waitress because she was waiting until the owner of cafe Rennes, surprisingly called Rennes, found him a place to hide...

Summer: Errrr, nice place you ave ere.

Pretty French Waitress: Pardon, Je ne se pas?

Summer: Oh yea, French I forogot. I said nice place you have.

Pretty French Waitress: Oh yes, thank you.

Summer: So, what is your name, or should I call you madame.

Summer snorted with laughter, she just looked at him disdainfully...

Pretty French Waitress: Eyvette.

Summer: Ah, my name is Corporal Summerl, everybody just calls me Summer.

Eyvette: Ok then Summer, Rennes will find you a place to hide in.

Summer: Who's Rennes?

Eyvette: The most brave Frenchman and most handsome man in the world.

Summer: French and handsome? Can't be done woman.

Eyvette: 'Ow dare you English man, you are no better yourself.

Summer: Bloody women, can't see the wood through the trees.

Eyvette: Pardon?

Summer: It's an English expression.

Suddenly there was an almighty crash outside the window and it creaked open...
 
sorry for the well little update but I gta go, there ya go 2 updates in one nite opefully will get this ting going again :)
 
is anyone even reading? i shall continue bravely onward but I aint wrtiing for myself :(
 
rite im closin this due to lack of interest, byeee i think in my next one i mite concentrate on wut is actually goin on in the game
 
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