I have already told you about my most catastrophic expedition, that of Neustria. I also told you about the easiest one, in the land of the Welsh. And soon I will tell you about the most profitable one in Francia. But the one that gave me the most pleasure, Frank, was without a doubt the one I made in Brittany.
Ha! What happy days! The happiest of my life! At the same time Sif gave birth to her last son, OIafr the Younger. And even if I loved, and later mourned, this brave boy, even if I felt joy at his coming into the world, it was nothing compared to the delectable vision of Rennes in flames!
You should have seen those Breton rats running away at the mere sight of me, Olfar Olafrsson the Impaler!
All summer and autumn I sacked the country of Brittany. Solomon hastened to gather an army at Vannes to fight me. That dog thought I was a fool. That I would be too tempted to shut his trap. Oh, he wasn't entirely wrong. For a moment I considered bleeding him like a pig. But I decided instead to attack Saint-Brieuc, his capital, which this idiot had stripped of its garrison.
The city was well protected from the mainland, but its port was like a whore's cunt, open to all travellers. My ships entered without difficulty and I sacked the city.
And guess who fell into my hands? The young queen Eithne!
“You would not dare to assault my virtue!" she cried as two of my men undressed her in front of the throne of Solomon on which I was reclining.
“I wouldn't even dare to take you as a concubine. I don't know what disease your old husband has given you. No, it's another game I want to play with you.”
I made her pull out every one of her nails and whipped her so hard that in the end she lost consciousness and reason.
It was a broken woman whom I perched on a donkey to accompany me to Tréguier where the king of pigs was waiting for me with his army.
“You are a putrid being, a soulless demon," spat the old wreck. “Release her and I'll let you go.”
“I have no desire to leave," I replied. “I only want to see you killed by my sword. And I'm not so sure you want it back. She has lost what little spirit she had.”
“Give me back my wife!”
“I will, I promise. If you survive the day!" I shouted at him before ordering my men to form the shield wall.
It was a magnificent battle. The first of my eldest son Berþor. He did me proud that day, diving into the fray and slaughtering our enemies. Haaaa! The rout of the Bretons. I took so many noble prisoners that day!
The only problem was that Solomon escaped my sword. I failed once again to fulfil my destiny. I sometimes wish I had killed him that day. But to tell the truth, I'm glad I didn't. My life has been sad since the disappearance of my rival, and his death at Treguier would have taken away many years of joy. We men are like that, Frank. We hate, but we love to hate.
After my crushing victory, I returned to Brest. For a heavy ransom, I sent his counts back to Solomon. And I kept my promise, I sent him back the head of his wife.
The execution of Queen Eithne
Oh, don't make that face! Yes, I took pleasure in torturing her and putting her to death. But I had other reasons. Solomon's alliance with the Great Chief Aed was no more, and I could freely take over his lands!
