The Last Stand at Samogitia
Samogitia
1450 C.E.
It is here that the last fortress of the Teutonic Order is under siege by the crusaders. Our story begins here as the Hochmeister recieves a message.
Hochmeister: NEVER! I WILL NEVER!
Cook: Come on, I'm doing the best I can! I don't have the cream of the crop.
Hochmeister: THAT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE FOOD!
Just then, a messager came.
Messager: The crusaders demand your surrender, Hochmeister!
Hochmeister: Tell them that the Pagan Knights never surrender, only die!
After the messager had left...
Advisor: I'm glad you didn't surrender like a coward.
Hochmeister: It's the only thing left to do.
Advisor: That, and burn at the stake.
Hochmeister: Burn?
Advisor: Yea, that's what they always do with pagans that don't surrender. I remember hearing about that one guy, they roasted him for three hours, and the whole time, he kept beating his chest, and...
Hochmeister: That's enough! I've changed my mind. I don't want to die a hero, I want to surrender like a coward!
Just then something amazing happened! A portal opened up, and out came none other than...
Pigman!
Pigman: I am Pigman, and I have returned from my travels into through time and space to save the Order in its darkest hour!
Hochmeister: But,but,but...how?
Pigman: No time to explain! I have brought friends! Everyone, meet Sherlock Holmes, Indiana Jones, Kool-Aid man, Keyboard Cat, and Zeke the fluffy yellow alien no one has ever heard of.
Hochmeister: This is great! We arn't completely doomed!
Pigman: Sherlock, you get started on a steam-powered battle-mech. Everyone else, into HQ.
HQ was a small shack inside the fortress, hastily built after the other HQ fell.
Pigman: Gather round, everyone! I have information from the future vital to this fort's defence!
Pigman then pullled out a tablet and began showing future movies. However, the tablet's charge didn't last long, and gave out not long after the third Home Alone movie finished.
Pigman: It's ok, the forth one wasn't that great.
And so everyone (except Holmes, of course, as he was busy building the steam-mech) got together and made a plan. Soon the entire fortress was booby-trapped in the manner of the Home Alone movies. Their first move was to throw a rope over the wall. The leader of the crusaders thought that this was a sign of the fort's surrender, but sent his two dumbest men just in case it was a trap. When they climbed the rope, they noticed something.
Stooge 1: Hey, this rope is wet!
Stooge 2: Smells like beer, too.
Stooge 1: Now that's silly! Why would anyone soak a rope in beer?
He was about to find out, as someone on top of the wall lit the rope, the first part of the plan. Sadly, however, they had negected to consider that the entire fort was constructed of wood. Soon the fort wall was ablaze. The fire quickly spread to a storage building inside the fort. That warehouse contained black-market fireworks that the Pigman had brought from the future to celebrate after the battle.
Pigman: All work and no play makes Pigman a dull boy!
Those fireworks were banned for a reason, because as soon as they went off, there was chaos. The fires blazed! The walls collasped! Keyboard Cat played away on the piano! Smoke was everywere! It was a sight to see! Men ran around everywere, fighting each other! Clink! Clang! Bang! Bang! When the dust finally settled, who was to prove the sole survivors, the victors, but...
THE CRUSADERS?
Crusader: Who did you expect?
Yes, sadly, the entire fortress had been destroyed. The crusaders stood victoriously over the ashes. The Order had been defeated, and destroyed....
BUT NOT QUITE!
Out of the ground amerged a giant steam-driven-battle-suit driven by none other than our heros! It fought wonderfully, that is, until it exploded. Yes, that's the problem with steampunk. The cooler something is, the less likely it is to work. Yes, NOW the Order is completely defeated. A few days later the king of Pskov would formally sign a decree annexing our land. The Pope would offically congradulate all that partook in the crusader to rid Europe of the pagans. As for our heros...
When the explosion happened, the head of the mech, containing our heros, flew off into a volcano. However, our heros had left the head...
Pigman: Quick, everyone take one of these, before we burn up!
Hochmeister: What are these?
Pigman: These devices will let you travel to any point in time and space.
Hochmeister: How did you get these?
Pigman: I found them in an anomaly under the Baltic.
Hochmeister: But, how did you get there, and how did these get there?
Pigman: No time, everyone, go!
And so they lived happly ever after, traveling through time and space.
Where are they now, you ask? Wait, you didn't? Too bad, I'm telling you anyway!
Keyboard Cat would go on tour, bringing music to the world.
Indiana Jones would die in a nuclear explosion while hiding in a fridge.
Sherlock Holmes would show the Greeks how to make a steam engine... only for them to use it as a party toy.
Zeke the alien would continue his studies on the human race.
And get a web comic.
Kool-Aid Man would defeat his arch-nemesis, the Pillsbury Doughboy.
The Pigman would own the world's largest pig farm.
The Hochmeister would go on to found a colony of neo-pagans on Mars.
As for the legacy of the the Order, it would become a favorite of strategy-gamers and have tons of AARs writen about it, like the one you're reading right now.
Is this the end? Will Asdfe Zxcas try again? Will he make another AAR? To find out, be here next ti-
Wait! Hold it! There isn't a next time, this AAR is over!
What should I do now, then?
I don't now, come up with something!
Well, umm, then, always remember, folks, uh, "Quidquid Latine sonat frigus"
