What, no updates yet???!?!?!!!?!?!?
I can't stand this anymore!!!!!
AAAHHHH (jumps out of the window)
I can't stand this anymore!!!!!
AAAHHHH (jumps out of the window)
-
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After this well-deserved (cough) christmas break* it's soon back to the grind. Btw, Happy x-mas, blah blah blah.
How about an update on.......maybe thursday, give or take a day. Seeing as I have all this time at my hands I should write a lot. Maybe.
*playing Baldur's Gate, sleeping and generally acting like a slob.
How about an update on.......maybe thursday, give or take a day. Seeing as I have all this time at my hands I should write a lot. Maybe.
*playing Baldur's Gate, sleeping and generally acting like a slob.
*Tokarev walks slowly into the room. "I'm sorry I'm late" He says carefully. He is pelted with rolled up pieces of paper and erasers until he screams for mercy*
Anywho, here we are. Feel free to pelt.
Anywho, here we are. Feel free to pelt.
2002
January 4
Tokarev looks at the clock and swears. It is late and soon people on the forum will begin swearing at him unless he updates. He sighs. "Better get on with it" he thinks. He begins writing:
1554
September 1
We dedicate the rest of this year and the next year to developing and building.
November 5
The king is feeling a bit under the weather so doctors from all over Europe arrive to stand around his bed and look confused while getting extremely large salaries. To save some money I send away half of them and ask the rest what they think should be done.
Doctor #1: "How are you feeling your majesty?"
King: "I feel a bit sneezy"
Doctor #2: "Aha! He needs to eat fifteen emeralds every day"
Doctor #3: "No, you quack. We should amputate his nose"
Doctor #1: "You are all wrong. We should put a squirrel up his bottom when the moon is full"
Doctor #302: "Bah. We should put a raspberry in our armpits and go "Balunga!" while we dance naked around him. That should do the trick"
Doctor #6939111: "Shut up you fool. Our only chance is to take a medium-sized terrier and sacrifice him to the Gods"
Me: "Shut up the lot of you. Isn't it obvious that he has a common cold?"
Doctors #1-7000000: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Doctor #7: "He can only be cured by taking these pills"
M: "That's sounds like a resonable cure. What do those pills contain?"
Doctor #7: "Chopped up German kings, mylord"
M: "That's it. Get out, all of you. Go stuff your heads in a cannon or something"
November 6
The king got better and all the doctors were sent on a one way cruise on a small raft.
1555
December 1
My cultural expert tells me that Tuscany has moved into a new era, high baroque. I went to the king at once to announce the uninteresting news.
Me: "Your majesty, we have developed high baroque!"
King: "So? Could you get me a new pillow and a small glass of wine?"
M: "You have real servants, your majesty"
K: "Aren't you Francesco? Oh, it's you, Nocardia. So, baroque, who cares?"
M: "It's quite important, sire. What else do we have in Tuscany? Our army almost runs away when they are attacked by some peasants armed with berries, the navy spends most of its time fishing, our colonial power is restricted to a fish-and-chips factory in Nova Scotia and "feeling Tuscan" is slang for flatulence throughout Europe. The only things we have are wine, food, women, football and culture. I suggest we continue to go for what we are best at."
K: "I'm sorry, what did you say? I lost interest after 'It's quite important...'"
M: "Never mind, nothing"
We appointed governors in Florence, Milano and Naples. Inflations has been going hard, yesterday I was called "Carolus Rex" by the French king.
1556
January 1
The first rebellion starts in Naples. A tad annoying, I hope the army won't panic.
January 20
The rebels are beaten but the army almost ran away because of bad morale. Not a good sign.
July 11
The Netherlands have declared war on France. They are aided by the Mamelucks and Persia. We are not really prepared for war, the army is still weak and could impossibly survive another campaign in Africa.
We are forced to decline helping the French but explain why. They will probably let us back in again.
July 21
Just as I thought, when we asked we were let back in and are allowed to still be at peace and rebuild the army.
October 2
Ferdinand I has been elected emperor of the "Holy Roman Empire". They say that we are part of the HRE but that is absurd. How can they put us Italians together with Germans who farts and name their cities after sausages? Imbecills.
November 1
Our spy in France sent us a report from the war between Spain and France. It appears that Poland-Lithuania have sent a crack force to help the French. They have sixteen men under Sigismund II roaming about in France. Obviously it's some sort of elite squad of men.
1557
January 1
We appoint governors to Alexandria and Luca. We choose only to the stupidest men, after all it's quite a useless position.
January 2
The Netherlands gave 157 ducats to France for peace, the cowardly bastards.
February 1
We manage to get a status quo-peace with Ireland who have been yapping about it for years and throwing green parades in Florence to annoy us.
March 1
The peasants of Naples are revolting! In every way...
April 1
The Polish taskforce in France have diminished to fourteen brave men.
September 9
Denmark have declared war on France. We join the war but have no intention to help the French. The only thing we do is to beat up a Danish pölse-salesman in Florence and banning Danish pastries from Tuscany.
November 1
This is the last straw. Kurpfalz have once again declared independence from France and now the French demand that we should help them fighting the rebels. We simply said: 'Sod off' and walked away.
The French alliance is no longer, every member refused involvement in this business that they think should be solved by France itself.
1558
March 1
We purchase two colonists and send one off to Table and one to found a trading place in Namaqua, a province rich with ivory.
March 2
France invited us to an alliance with them but we rejected their offer. Any alliances which Tuscany joins from now on will be lead by Tuscany and by Tuscany alone. We made that clear to French but they merely muttered some curses and went away.
April 4
Finally France has dealt with her problems. Kurpfalz is once again a part of France. Because of this we think that we can trust the French a bit more. So we send them a simple offer. An alliance with Tuscany as the leader. They gratefully accepted. We also added Savoy, Bretagne and Austria. I don't really trust Austria though.
May 13
The alliance gets it first war when the suicidal Thüringen declares war on France. Everyone in the alliance except Austria stands behind the French. Thüringen is supported by Bohemia, Saxony and Hessen.
September 4
Thüringen is annexed by France. The first enemy is out of the game.
October 5
Kleves decides that the time is right for an attack on France. They have no allies, a ten-thousand man army and a minimal fortress. It appears that the rulers of Kleves needs to get their heads examined, preferably by an executioner.
November 1
The people of Tuscany are so tired because of the constant raising of taxes that they rush to the harbours to find a new life in the new world. We also get a fellow who's stupid enough to volunteer as the leader of a group of explorers. Three thousand soldiers "volunteer" to join him and are loaded aboard three ships at Modena. They set sail for Table where they will explore the unknown lands of Africa.
November 9
Switzerland joins the "declare war on France"-game. We all chip in but I suspect that the French are going to go into Switzerland right away and be surprised when the winter comes.
December 19
As I suspected, fifty-six thousand French soldiers have entered Switzerland. I almost feel sorry for them but then I rememeber that they are only French rabble, and I feel better.
1559
January 1
The French rabble surprised me by assualting at once and winning. Switzerland is now annexed, too bad for them and their cheeses.
April 1
The government in London has fallen and all over England rebels are resting their spotty behinds in mansions while the last owner is feeling rather separated from his body.
Elizabeth I was forced to proclaim many new liberties for the English people, such as the right to bear a hay-fork and the right to wear grey clothes and a black and red flag. The rebels of Rome took the chance the declare the Papal states back in business and Paulus IV took the title of pope.
We disputed it, seeing our chance to get Rome, and declared war on the Papal states.
April 21
The army has arrived in Rome and enjoyed the sight of no resistance. It seems that the Papal "army" (two monks and a donkey) got lost and accidentally fell into the Mediterranean which they claimed to have "forgotten about". Anyway, we ordered a quick assault so that the troops could get some dinner.
May 15
After several missed dinners Rome was captured and Paulus IV was crowned with a crown made of burning wood and thrown from the highest steeple in Florence to the ground where his body was attacked by several angry citizens who had missed the fact that he was dead. This despite the fact that his head had fallen off.
Rome was added to Tuscany and that annoying peace of red on the map was replaced by a calm olive green.
July 9
The explorer fleet we sent to Table has arrived. At least that was what the captain told me via telepathy. I ordered him to sail around a bit and see if he could find an island that could be suitable as a resting stop for ships going the long journey from Table to Modena.
September 13
Fibonacci has discovered an island he named S:t Helena. It is rocky and foul, but it has fresh water and is therefore very suitable. He left a small pice of paper on the island which read: "Belongs to Tuscany, please find yourself another island". Should work.
November 16
New Florence has at last grown large enough so that we could recruit troops there. It could be useful if we wanted to expand our colonial power in north America. We will wait until some twerps such as the English to put up colonies there and then we will steal the colonies away from them. *Evil chuckle*
January 4
Tokarev looks at the clock and swears. It is late and soon people on the forum will begin swearing at him unless he updates. He sighs. "Better get on with it" he thinks. He begins writing:
1554
September 1
We dedicate the rest of this year and the next year to developing and building.
November 5
The king is feeling a bit under the weather so doctors from all over Europe arrive to stand around his bed and look confused while getting extremely large salaries. To save some money I send away half of them and ask the rest what they think should be done.
Doctor #1: "How are you feeling your majesty?"
King: "I feel a bit sneezy"
Doctor #2: "Aha! He needs to eat fifteen emeralds every day"
Doctor #3: "No, you quack. We should amputate his nose"
Doctor #1: "You are all wrong. We should put a squirrel up his bottom when the moon is full"
Doctor #302: "Bah. We should put a raspberry in our armpits and go "Balunga!" while we dance naked around him. That should do the trick"
Doctor #6939111: "Shut up you fool. Our only chance is to take a medium-sized terrier and sacrifice him to the Gods"
Me: "Shut up the lot of you. Isn't it obvious that he has a common cold?"
Doctors #1-7000000: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Doctor #7: "He can only be cured by taking these pills"
M: "That's sounds like a resonable cure. What do those pills contain?"
Doctor #7: "Chopped up German kings, mylord"
M: "That's it. Get out, all of you. Go stuff your heads in a cannon or something"
November 6
The king got better and all the doctors were sent on a one way cruise on a small raft.
1555
December 1
My cultural expert tells me that Tuscany has moved into a new era, high baroque. I went to the king at once to announce the uninteresting news.
Me: "Your majesty, we have developed high baroque!"
King: "So? Could you get me a new pillow and a small glass of wine?"
M: "You have real servants, your majesty"
K: "Aren't you Francesco? Oh, it's you, Nocardia. So, baroque, who cares?"
M: "It's quite important, sire. What else do we have in Tuscany? Our army almost runs away when they are attacked by some peasants armed with berries, the navy spends most of its time fishing, our colonial power is restricted to a fish-and-chips factory in Nova Scotia and "feeling Tuscan" is slang for flatulence throughout Europe. The only things we have are wine, food, women, football and culture. I suggest we continue to go for what we are best at."
K: "I'm sorry, what did you say? I lost interest after 'It's quite important...'"
M: "Never mind, nothing"
We appointed governors in Florence, Milano and Naples. Inflations has been going hard, yesterday I was called "Carolus Rex" by the French king.
1556
January 1
The first rebellion starts in Naples. A tad annoying, I hope the army won't panic.
January 20
The rebels are beaten but the army almost ran away because of bad morale. Not a good sign.
July 11
The Netherlands have declared war on France. They are aided by the Mamelucks and Persia. We are not really prepared for war, the army is still weak and could impossibly survive another campaign in Africa.
We are forced to decline helping the French but explain why. They will probably let us back in again.
July 21
Just as I thought, when we asked we were let back in and are allowed to still be at peace and rebuild the army.
October 2
Ferdinand I has been elected emperor of the "Holy Roman Empire". They say that we are part of the HRE but that is absurd. How can they put us Italians together with Germans who farts and name their cities after sausages? Imbecills.
November 1
Our spy in France sent us a report from the war between Spain and France. It appears that Poland-Lithuania have sent a crack force to help the French. They have sixteen men under Sigismund II roaming about in France. Obviously it's some sort of elite squad of men.
1557
January 1
We appoint governors to Alexandria and Luca. We choose only to the stupidest men, after all it's quite a useless position.
January 2
The Netherlands gave 157 ducats to France for peace, the cowardly bastards.
February 1
We manage to get a status quo-peace with Ireland who have been yapping about it for years and throwing green parades in Florence to annoy us.
March 1
The peasants of Naples are revolting! In every way...
April 1
The Polish taskforce in France have diminished to fourteen brave men.
September 9
Denmark have declared war on France. We join the war but have no intention to help the French. The only thing we do is to beat up a Danish pölse-salesman in Florence and banning Danish pastries from Tuscany.
November 1
This is the last straw. Kurpfalz have once again declared independence from France and now the French demand that we should help them fighting the rebels. We simply said: 'Sod off' and walked away.
The French alliance is no longer, every member refused involvement in this business that they think should be solved by France itself.
1558
March 1
We purchase two colonists and send one off to Table and one to found a trading place in Namaqua, a province rich with ivory.
March 2
France invited us to an alliance with them but we rejected their offer. Any alliances which Tuscany joins from now on will be lead by Tuscany and by Tuscany alone. We made that clear to French but they merely muttered some curses and went away.
April 4
Finally France has dealt with her problems. Kurpfalz is once again a part of France. Because of this we think that we can trust the French a bit more. So we send them a simple offer. An alliance with Tuscany as the leader. They gratefully accepted. We also added Savoy, Bretagne and Austria. I don't really trust Austria though.
May 13
The alliance gets it first war when the suicidal Thüringen declares war on France. Everyone in the alliance except Austria stands behind the French. Thüringen is supported by Bohemia, Saxony and Hessen.
September 4
Thüringen is annexed by France. The first enemy is out of the game.
October 5
Kleves decides that the time is right for an attack on France. They have no allies, a ten-thousand man army and a minimal fortress. It appears that the rulers of Kleves needs to get their heads examined, preferably by an executioner.
November 1
The people of Tuscany are so tired because of the constant raising of taxes that they rush to the harbours to find a new life in the new world. We also get a fellow who's stupid enough to volunteer as the leader of a group of explorers. Three thousand soldiers "volunteer" to join him and are loaded aboard three ships at Modena. They set sail for Table where they will explore the unknown lands of Africa.
November 9
Switzerland joins the "declare war on France"-game. We all chip in but I suspect that the French are going to go into Switzerland right away and be surprised when the winter comes.
December 19
As I suspected, fifty-six thousand French soldiers have entered Switzerland. I almost feel sorry for them but then I rememeber that they are only French rabble, and I feel better.
1559
January 1
The French rabble surprised me by assualting at once and winning. Switzerland is now annexed, too bad for them and their cheeses.
April 1
The government in London has fallen and all over England rebels are resting their spotty behinds in mansions while the last owner is feeling rather separated from his body.
Elizabeth I was forced to proclaim many new liberties for the English people, such as the right to bear a hay-fork and the right to wear grey clothes and a black and red flag. The rebels of Rome took the chance the declare the Papal states back in business and Paulus IV took the title of pope.
We disputed it, seeing our chance to get Rome, and declared war on the Papal states.
April 21
The army has arrived in Rome and enjoyed the sight of no resistance. It seems that the Papal "army" (two monks and a donkey) got lost and accidentally fell into the Mediterranean which they claimed to have "forgotten about". Anyway, we ordered a quick assault so that the troops could get some dinner.
May 15
After several missed dinners Rome was captured and Paulus IV was crowned with a crown made of burning wood and thrown from the highest steeple in Florence to the ground where his body was attacked by several angry citizens who had missed the fact that he was dead. This despite the fact that his head had fallen off.
Rome was added to Tuscany and that annoying peace of red on the map was replaced by a calm olive green.
July 9
The explorer fleet we sent to Table has arrived. At least that was what the captain told me via telepathy. I ordered him to sail around a bit and see if he could find an island that could be suitable as a resting stop for ships going the long journey from Table to Modena.
September 13
Fibonacci has discovered an island he named S:t Helena. It is rocky and foul, but it has fresh water and is therefore very suitable. He left a small pice of paper on the island which read: "Belongs to Tuscany, please find yourself another island". Should work.
November 16
New Florence has at last grown large enough so that we could recruit troops there. It could be useful if we wanted to expand our colonial power in north America. We will wait until some twerps such as the English to put up colonies there and then we will steal the colonies away from them. *Evil chuckle*
bump bump bump bump
HITO sits jumping on his chair in front of the computer while he mumbels "come on come come on come on"
HITO sits jumping on his chair in front of the computer while he mumbels "come on come come on come on"
Re: bump bump bump bump
Keep on jumping. I'll update in um, some hours. This time, I mean it.
Keep on jumping. I'll update in um, some hours. This time, I mean it.
Jump jump jump!
Look Tokarev! I'm jumping, now you start writing or I won't jump no more.
Look Tokarev! I'm jumping, now you start writing or I won't jump no more.
1560
During the first months of the year the army fought rebels from Apulia and Naples.
September 1
A bit of luck! Some idiotic businessman decides to give the king eight warships. He thinks this will mean favours for him. Tough luck, we arrest him and take all his money. If you suck up like that, you have got to be hiding something.
Anyway, the ships are sailed to Naples to join up with the main fleet. Yet another step towards our path to naval dominance in the Mediterranean.
1561
January 1
We send off some colonists to the newly discovered Ciskei, close to Table.
June 9
The Muscovites continue their streak of victories in the east. They have now annexed the Golden horde. I fear that one day we will actually have to met those barbarians. I shudder to think on how inadequate their lodgings would be. And the wine is probably awful.
July 9
Kleve is shown the meaning of "bigger is better" when they are annexed by France. The French are making their way through Germany. Maybe they will turn on us one day?
July 12
A colony has been founded in Ciskei. We ordered the departure of another shipload of colonists. This leaves us with only eight ducats left in the treasury.
December 10
Failure in Ciskei. It looks like the colonies are turning into quite an expensive hobby for us.
1562
Finally some action
March 1
We begin making plans for a future war with Genua. They are rather annoying, sitting on that tradecentre with all of it's glorious income and all they spend it on is irritating us with their large fleet. We'll get them some day, though.
April 9
The friggin' Netherlands declare war on the French for the fifth time. We all join in and I send two slices of bread to help the French soldiers.
May 1
All we ever do here these days is going around the palace and talking dirt about each other. It was inevitable that a scandal would come sometime, and now it has. It was made public that lord Tuccini had said that: "everything outside Tuscanyy isn't shit". Obviously a lie. The inscription on the royal palace is after all: "Tuscany is good, the rest sucks".
Lord Tuccini was put on public display with a sign around his neck which read: "I have scolded Tuscany by saying that she isn't the only good thing in the world. Please throw rancid vegetables at me". He will be kept there until we have run out of rancid fruit.
Another shocking piece of news was that Catherine of Medici has been made queen of France. She is the least intelligent of the Medicis, which is pretty amazing. The woman must have a brain the size of a walnut.
July 1
Some navy ships discovered two Norwegian ships sailing around in the Ligurian sea. The optimistic morons, they won't find any cod there. They can go home and bring their fish-sticks with them.
July 26
Spain settles a peace with France. Guyenne and Béarn are now Spanish provinces.
June 15
England declares a war on France to celebrate some sort of jubilee from the hundred years war. We join in to help the French, it could be fun to show those snotty English who's the boss.
We prepare to attack the English colonies in north America by gathering a milita of a thousand men in New Florence.
October 1
We send off three ships from to Naples to Table to bring the conquistador and his troops to New Florence. They have been practically bored to death in Table, the only kind of entertainment there being a dog with two tails.
December 1
The milita has now gathered in New Florence and are commanded by Agazzi, the military chief of the colony. They have begun their march on Bangor, the nearest English colony.
1564
February 1
The people of Tyrol are so miffed by the lack of ski contests in Tuscany so they start a rebellion. We ignore them, they can freeze their behinds off outside Innsbruck if they want too.
February 25
The English colony Bangor
The office of the governor
Governor: I say Jack, this war against the French is so exciting. Imagine it, war, man against man until the weaker one is beaten. Nothing to worry about here though, I have equipped some off the colonists with weapons and they should be training for combat right now, they'll defend Bangor.
Jack: But governor, the Tuscans are rumoured to have a colony in the east. What if they send soldiers to attack us?
G: Bah, the walls of Bangor will keep them out, the stupid Italians.
J: But the walls are made of dry grass. Besides, how large is the militia defending Bangor?
G: Only five men and one of them hasn't got any legs. But that doesn't matter, who would be stupid enough to walk so far to get here?
J: The Tuscans, I know them.
G: You worry to much. [Some gunshots are heard from outside] Aha, that must be the garrison practising!
J: [Looking out the window] I am afraid not, sir. Those appear to be Tuscans. Right now they are chasing away the garrison using rolled-up newspapers and sticks.
G: Oh no! Quick, we must head for safety!
Two soldiers commanded by a sergeant enter the room, They all have blood on their weapons, not their blood though.
G: Ah, excellent. You can help me escape!
J: Um, sir, I think those are Tuscan soldiers.
G: Shut up, Jack.
Sergeant: No,no, he's right, we are. Are you the governor?
G: Errrrrrrr, no.
S: I see. Then why are you standing in the governors office?
G: I'm just a......janitor. Yes, that's right, a janitor.
S: So why are you wearing a hat that has the words: "I am the governor" written on it?
G: Uuuuuh, it's the latest fashion.
S: Whatever. Kill him, boys.
[The two soldiers approached the governor and killed him quickly. They then threw Jack out of the window and began looting the place.]
And so, Bangor was taken. The governors head was sent to London as an insult. Unfortunately it came to the wrong adress and was mistaken for an old cabbage at a vegetable market. I was sold to a customer who was greatly disappointed with the taste.
April 1
The three ships arrived in Table, picked up the explorers and turned towards New Florence.
In other news, Württemberg ha declared independence from Bavaria.
June 1
Kurpfalz have once again declared independence from France. We are sick and tired of getting mixed up with these endless German wars who never end, we leave the alliance. So does Savoy and Bretagne, leaving France all alone.
July 19
Our militia heading for the English trading places down south met some natives...
Somewhere in the forest of Connecticut
Agazzi: Hey, who are you guys? Get out of our way!
Native: We are representatives from the village which is located not far from here.
A: You speak Italian, you savage? How have you learned our language?
N: I took a letter course. Anyway, we bring you these gifts as a sign of our respect and we ask you to respect us.
A: Right, here's the deal. We offer a cultural exchange. We want your tobacco, your women, your gold, your land, your cazinos and your freedom. In exchange for that we will give you diseases, alcohol, beards and this book.
N: Please, we only want peace. We cannot give you all of those things.
A: So you refuse? I'll show you! We are of a higher standing culture, so now we're going to slaughter the lot of you! Charge!
And so the Tuscan militia bravely killed, burned and destroyed their way through Connecticut. Agazzi got a medal later for: "his outstanding bravery in stopping the brutal savages from brutally killing his soldiers in their brutal way. Brutal, I tells ya!"
October 19
Delawar was captured and one of the ten traders there was killed for acting in an annoying way.
December 1
The second trade post fell. Cheasepeake is now controlled by us.
December 6
The ship from Table has arrived in New Florence. After resupplying the are shipping the troops to Jamaica where England has a trade post.
1565
January 1
Our diplomats have worked hardly for the last year and now their target has been reached. We have improved our relations with Saxony. Good for them.
May 27
The militia was attacked in Delaware by angry natives.
June 1
To avoid unnecessary damage the militia left Delaware where the angry natives burned the English trading post.
June 19
All the trading posts who were in our hands were burned, including Jamaica. We sold all the traders to slave traders in the Caribean. We also send a bunch of colonists to Manhattan to found a colony in a strategic place.
August 14
The Ethiopian diplomats have done a great job and managed to create an alliance with the Aztek empire. Should come in handy if a war came, that llama-cavalry is wicked.
We started an anti-Genua alliance with Savoy. This time I won't let France join, they are only a hassle.
We also made peace with England, they got Bangor back plus the charred remains of four trade posts.
1566
January 1
To protect New Florence we begin building new walls there. Perhaps the English would want to revenge.
June 3
We failed on Manhattan. The ship carrying the colonists took a right turn at Gibraltar and ended up on Iceland.
During the first months of the year the army fought rebels from Apulia and Naples.
September 1
A bit of luck! Some idiotic businessman decides to give the king eight warships. He thinks this will mean favours for him. Tough luck, we arrest him and take all his money. If you suck up like that, you have got to be hiding something.
Anyway, the ships are sailed to Naples to join up with the main fleet. Yet another step towards our path to naval dominance in the Mediterranean.
1561
January 1
We send off some colonists to the newly discovered Ciskei, close to Table.
June 9
The Muscovites continue their streak of victories in the east. They have now annexed the Golden horde. I fear that one day we will actually have to met those barbarians. I shudder to think on how inadequate their lodgings would be. And the wine is probably awful.
July 9
Kleve is shown the meaning of "bigger is better" when they are annexed by France. The French are making their way through Germany. Maybe they will turn on us one day?
July 12
A colony has been founded in Ciskei. We ordered the departure of another shipload of colonists. This leaves us with only eight ducats left in the treasury.
December 10
Failure in Ciskei. It looks like the colonies are turning into quite an expensive hobby for us.
1562
Finally some action
March 1
We begin making plans for a future war with Genua. They are rather annoying, sitting on that tradecentre with all of it's glorious income and all they spend it on is irritating us with their large fleet. We'll get them some day, though.
April 9
The friggin' Netherlands declare war on the French for the fifth time. We all join in and I send two slices of bread to help the French soldiers.
May 1
All we ever do here these days is going around the palace and talking dirt about each other. It was inevitable that a scandal would come sometime, and now it has. It was made public that lord Tuccini had said that: "everything outside Tuscanyy isn't shit". Obviously a lie. The inscription on the royal palace is after all: "Tuscany is good, the rest sucks".
Lord Tuccini was put on public display with a sign around his neck which read: "I have scolded Tuscany by saying that she isn't the only good thing in the world. Please throw rancid vegetables at me". He will be kept there until we have run out of rancid fruit.
Another shocking piece of news was that Catherine of Medici has been made queen of France. She is the least intelligent of the Medicis, which is pretty amazing. The woman must have a brain the size of a walnut.
July 1
Some navy ships discovered two Norwegian ships sailing around in the Ligurian sea. The optimistic morons, they won't find any cod there. They can go home and bring their fish-sticks with them.
July 26
Spain settles a peace with France. Guyenne and Béarn are now Spanish provinces.
June 15
England declares a war on France to celebrate some sort of jubilee from the hundred years war. We join in to help the French, it could be fun to show those snotty English who's the boss.
We prepare to attack the English colonies in north America by gathering a milita of a thousand men in New Florence.
October 1
We send off three ships from to Naples to Table to bring the conquistador and his troops to New Florence. They have been practically bored to death in Table, the only kind of entertainment there being a dog with two tails.
December 1
The milita has now gathered in New Florence and are commanded by Agazzi, the military chief of the colony. They have begun their march on Bangor, the nearest English colony.
1564
February 1
The people of Tyrol are so miffed by the lack of ski contests in Tuscany so they start a rebellion. We ignore them, they can freeze their behinds off outside Innsbruck if they want too.
February 25
The English colony Bangor
The office of the governor
Governor: I say Jack, this war against the French is so exciting. Imagine it, war, man against man until the weaker one is beaten. Nothing to worry about here though, I have equipped some off the colonists with weapons and they should be training for combat right now, they'll defend Bangor.
Jack: But governor, the Tuscans are rumoured to have a colony in the east. What if they send soldiers to attack us?
G: Bah, the walls of Bangor will keep them out, the stupid Italians.
J: But the walls are made of dry grass. Besides, how large is the militia defending Bangor?
G: Only five men and one of them hasn't got any legs. But that doesn't matter, who would be stupid enough to walk so far to get here?
J: The Tuscans, I know them.
G: You worry to much. [Some gunshots are heard from outside] Aha, that must be the garrison practising!
J: [Looking out the window] I am afraid not, sir. Those appear to be Tuscans. Right now they are chasing away the garrison using rolled-up newspapers and sticks.
G: Oh no! Quick, we must head for safety!
Two soldiers commanded by a sergeant enter the room, They all have blood on their weapons, not their blood though.
G: Ah, excellent. You can help me escape!
J: Um, sir, I think those are Tuscan soldiers.
G: Shut up, Jack.
Sergeant: No,no, he's right, we are. Are you the governor?
G: Errrrrrrr, no.
S: I see. Then why are you standing in the governors office?
G: I'm just a......janitor. Yes, that's right, a janitor.
S: So why are you wearing a hat that has the words: "I am the governor" written on it?
G: Uuuuuh, it's the latest fashion.
S: Whatever. Kill him, boys.
[The two soldiers approached the governor and killed him quickly. They then threw Jack out of the window and began looting the place.]
And so, Bangor was taken. The governors head was sent to London as an insult. Unfortunately it came to the wrong adress and was mistaken for an old cabbage at a vegetable market. I was sold to a customer who was greatly disappointed with the taste.
April 1
The three ships arrived in Table, picked up the explorers and turned towards New Florence.
In other news, Württemberg ha declared independence from Bavaria.
June 1
Kurpfalz have once again declared independence from France. We are sick and tired of getting mixed up with these endless German wars who never end, we leave the alliance. So does Savoy and Bretagne, leaving France all alone.
July 19
Our militia heading for the English trading places down south met some natives...
Somewhere in the forest of Connecticut
Agazzi: Hey, who are you guys? Get out of our way!
Native: We are representatives from the village which is located not far from here.
A: You speak Italian, you savage? How have you learned our language?
N: I took a letter course. Anyway, we bring you these gifts as a sign of our respect and we ask you to respect us.
A: Right, here's the deal. We offer a cultural exchange. We want your tobacco, your women, your gold, your land, your cazinos and your freedom. In exchange for that we will give you diseases, alcohol, beards and this book.
N: Please, we only want peace. We cannot give you all of those things.
A: So you refuse? I'll show you! We are of a higher standing culture, so now we're going to slaughter the lot of you! Charge!
And so the Tuscan militia bravely killed, burned and destroyed their way through Connecticut. Agazzi got a medal later for: "his outstanding bravery in stopping the brutal savages from brutally killing his soldiers in their brutal way. Brutal, I tells ya!"
October 19
Delawar was captured and one of the ten traders there was killed for acting in an annoying way.
December 1
The second trade post fell. Cheasepeake is now controlled by us.
December 6
The ship from Table has arrived in New Florence. After resupplying the are shipping the troops to Jamaica where England has a trade post.
1565
January 1
Our diplomats have worked hardly for the last year and now their target has been reached. We have improved our relations with Saxony. Good for them.
May 27
The militia was attacked in Delaware by angry natives.
June 1
To avoid unnecessary damage the militia left Delaware where the angry natives burned the English trading post.
June 19
All the trading posts who were in our hands were burned, including Jamaica. We sold all the traders to slave traders in the Caribean. We also send a bunch of colonists to Manhattan to found a colony in a strategic place.
August 14
The Ethiopian diplomats have done a great job and managed to create an alliance with the Aztek empire. Should come in handy if a war came, that llama-cavalry is wicked.
We started an anti-Genua alliance with Savoy. This time I won't let France join, they are only a hassle.
We also made peace with England, they got Bangor back plus the charred remains of four trade posts.
1566
January 1
To protect New Florence we begin building new walls there. Perhaps the English would want to revenge.
June 3
We failed on Manhattan. The ship carrying the colonists took a right turn at Gibraltar and ended up on Iceland.
Re: savoy heeeeeem
Not as sneaky as me though. I think they are quite good allies, better than most large countries.
Not as sneaky as me though.
I think they are quite good allies, better than most large countries.
Hell, this AAR has been running since September 1st.
Nice update, lotsa conversations.
Nice update, lotsa conversations.
Originally posted by Carolus Rex
Hell, this AAR has been running since September 1st.
Nice update, lotsa conversations.
Really? I have never thought of how long I've been doing this. When I started it was a devious trick to raise my post-count but after a while it got funny.
I have realized that conversations is probably the funniest thing I can write. I think it's a bit unimaginative writing a full AAR consisting only of: "The Spanish delare war on us. Those buggery fops" or "We annex France. That garlic-smelling frog country". I admit to being guilty of doing this quite a lot but then only to fill out boring years.
Originally posted by Carolus Rex
Hey!! Don't dis all my AAR's!
Ah, but you always add the interesting spice called 2500% inflation.
Wait a minute, that's not good.