There and and Never Back Again: Escape From Sweden

[Kommunaut]

There and Never Back Again: Escape From Sweden

There and Never Back Again: Escape From Sweden​

A blatant Alfred Packer ripoff

Introduction


Uppland, Sweden December 26, 1066

A man hurriedly enters the room clutching some maps

"Hello everyone! Sorry I'm late!
As you all know, I am Erik Anundsson Av Munsö, Duke of Uppland, and cousin to Erik Stenkilslätten, King of all of Sweden, including me.
What you might not know is that I absolutely despise being ruled by the imbecile, and am plotting to overthrow him and claim the throne for myself.
Now, me taking on the Kingdom with only my meager holdings seems far-fetched, but I have a plan."


Erik proceeds to unroll one of his maps

"As you can see, we have many small and weak neighbors to the north.
Hälsingland, Meddlepad, and Ångermanland are all ripe for the taking.
From there, we can later move further north. But for now, these plans will do.
Now, does anyone have any questions?"


Erik looks around the room:

"Oh, Right! I forgot to appoint a court!"​

 

[Kommunaut]

Aaaaaaaaaaaand I messed up the thread title. This does not bode well.

 

[General_BT]

Never fear... it'll add to the charm (and it is something a Crovan would do! )

And Erik apparently talks to himself.

 

[Kommunaut]

Never fear... it'll add to the charm (and it is something a Crovan would do! )

And Erik apparently talks to himself.

Yeah, Erik is as scatterbrained as I am.

-

Since I also forgot a title page, the post I have complaining about messing up the title will be later edited into a title page/table of contents. Or I'll just move the text from the first post to that one and change the first post to a title page. We'll see. Now, it's time for an update.

Edit: Had to make it a double update. Friggan 32 image limit.

 

[Kommunaut]

There and Never Back Again: Escape From Sweden​

A blatant Alfred Packer ripoff

In Which Duke Erik Appoints Some Court Members (Part 1)


Uppland, Sweden December 29, 1066

"So tell me, Tolir, why again did you miss my briefing the other day?"

"Well, the nobles of my province recently told me about this thing called prima noctae. Have you heard of it?"

"As a matter of fact, I have. What of it?"

Wait, you knew about it the whole time and haven't told me?
Wait, you knew and haven't been screwing the peasant girls?!"

"Wait, let me get this straight.
I send you a message telling you to come to Uppland for an important meeting, and you skipped it for Prima Noctae?"

"I knew you'd understand"

"You are the most worthless vassal ever."

"You say that now. But you'll be giving me nothing but praise once we overthrow the king.
I bet you'll even make me a duke.
So what are we doing here today, anyway?"

"I'm interviewing potential members of the court. And you're going to help me.
And a ducal position for you has yet to be determined. I might just give you Norrland."

"Norrland? Well, better than nothing, I guess.
Anyway, let's see the first candidate."


Erik gives Tolir an annoyed glance for his straightforwardness, but then motions to the guards, who show a man in.

"Hello, esteemed Lordships. I am Albrikt Vinstorpaätten, wealthiest of the local nobility."

"Alright, you can be my Steward, I guess."

"Are you sure, my liege? Look at him! He's puny and weak. He seems more of a sniveling rat than a man.
Also, Albrikt Vinstorpaätten? Look, I know we're Swedish and all, but that name is ridiculous!"

"None of that matters. At all.
In fact, I can tell just by his clothing, and that of everyone else here, that he's be the best candidate.
Okay Albrikt, you get the job.
Guards, let in the next one."

"Good evening to the both of you. I am Rannveig Thorardottir of Aurland, and..."

"Excuse me, but did you say Aurland? As in Aurland, Norway?"

"Yes, I did. That is where my family hails from. Now as I was saying..."

"Can you believe this? A Norwegian wants to join up? Ha, that's rich!
Seriously, go home."

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to agree with count Tolir on this one."

"But... Your Grace, please...

"Take her away. Next!"




End of Part 1
​

 

[Kommunaut]

There and Never Back Again: Escape From Sweden​

A blatant Alfred Packer ripoff

In Which Duke Erik Appoints Some Court Members (Part 2)


Uppland, Sweden December 29, 1066


A man struts in confidently.

"Good evening, sirs. I am Albrikt Virske, and I am here to be your marshall, and lead your armies to victory!"

"Well, since you want to be my marshal, I hope you won't mind me quizzing your battlefield knowlendge a bit?"

"Why, but of course! Give me your best shot! You will find me to be as skilled an adversary in academics as I am in battle!"

"Er...Okay. Say you're fighting in an open field, and your enemy deploys their pikemen to the front. What is the best course of action to take?"

"Ha! A meager challenge! I would charge them with everything we had to preak their morale and scatter them into the wind!"

...
"You wouldn't try any subtle maneuvers? No special formations? Nothing?"

"Of course not! Maneuvering? Formation? Such womanly concepts.
Real men charge their horses directly into the enemy line, be they peasant or pikemen, and fight to the bitter end."

"I like him.
Welcome aboard, good sir."

"What? No!
No way is someone that incompetent going to be my marshal. I'd rather promote a peasant than this idiot.
Hell, I'd rather appoint an Ugric Baltic MUSLIM to the office of Martial than him.
Guards! Get this idiot out of here!"

"Sheesh, you didn't have to be so rude about it, your Excellency."

"Your Grace."

"Thank you, your Eminence."

(sighing)
"Just bring in the next applicant"

"Hello! I am Hjordis, here to be new spymaster!"

"And why do you think you'll be good for the job?"

Hjordis hears voices in her head! They tell her secrets! Great secrets!"

"Um... Thank you, we'll be in touch."

"Well, hold on a minute, your Highness. This sounds promising,"

(Ignoring the incorrect title)
"The lady is obviously insane. I don't want her anywhere near me!
Guards! Get rid of her!
Okay, only one left, then we're done for the day."

"Hello, your Grace.
I am Ake Av Rumby. I have served as a knight in your army for years now."

"So far, so good. Did you happen to overhear our little chat with Sir Virske the Stupid?"

"The man had obviously no grasp on tactics, nor any real fighting experience.
I've actually led armies. I have an understanding of basic unit formations."

"At this point, that's all I need to hear. You're hired.
Well, that's everyone, I guess. I was hoping for more, but this will have to..."

Turning around

"Woah! And just who are you?"

"I am Gustav. Gustav Bjering. I am here to be your spymaster."

"And just why would I appoint you?"

"I managed to get in unannounced, didn't I? Also, I found some of your mail. The king of Denmark wanted you to know that he accepts your proposal to his daughter, Ingrid."

"I should have your head!
But in light of the good news you have brought me, and your obvious competence, I guess I have nothing better to do than to give you the position.
You start immediately. Make sure that crazy lady leaves and stays out."

"As you wish, your Grace. You have made a choice that I assure you you won't regret."


Gustav leaves with two of the guards.

"So now all you need is a chancellor and and a bishop, your honour."

"Hm? Well, my wife-to-be, Ingrid, has been schooled in diplomacy, so I'll just use her.
And as for a Bishop? I think I'll just wait for the pope to send me someone.
Well, We're done for the day. You can go back to doing whatever."

"Heh. Time to return to gästrikland to mete out some more Prima Noctae.
High five!"

Erik just sighs in response.

​

 

[kadvael56]

"Of course not! Maneuvering? Formation? Such womanly concepts. Real men charge their horses directly into the enemy line, be they peasant or pikemen, and fight to the bitter end."

"Hell, I'd rather appoint an Ugric Baltic MUSLIM to the office of Martial than him. Guards! Get this idiot out of here!"

"Sheesh, you didn't have to be so rude about it, your Excellency."
"Your Grace."
"Thank you, your Eminence."

Great lines , you should have taken Albrikt Virske and Hjordis, that would have made a great court .

 

[Teep]

Nice work so far, I started an Uppland game yesterday and got Erik to be king of Sweden thanks to the elective law and early expansion.

 

[Murmurandus]

Mmm, interesting... Looking forward to some Crovanian style mess...

 

[Enewald]

Great awesome aar!

 

[Qorten]

Great start Kommunaut! I'll be following this one. I hope you can keep up the hilariousness factor.

 

[unmerged(81979)]

Any AP ripoff AAR I must read... Nice work so far!

 

[orimazd]

Like what I'm seeing. But your count is almost too intelligent to be a true Alfred Packer ripoff.

 

[hyme]

i am in

 

[Kommunaut]

Hi everybody. Sorry for not updating, I blame Easter. And School. And as many other Scapegoats as I can. So I guess I'll respond to feedback now and then start the next update.

Great lines , you should have taken Albrikt Virske and Hjordis, that would have made a great court .

Yes, that would make for interesting storytelling, but I opted for netter gameplay instead... probably a mistake. I'll go for more entertaining courtiers in the future.

Nice work so far, I started an Uppland game yesterday and got Erik to be king of Sweden thanks to the elective law and early expansion.

Thanks! And yeah, I changed Sweden to Semisalic Primogeniture just to avoid that. I think it would be lame for me to just inherit Sweden.

Mmm, interesting... Looking forward to some Crovanian style mess...

Thanks as well. I haven't gotten big enough to have to worry about vassal problems yet, but we'll see...

Great awesome aar!

Thanks!

Great start Kommunaut! I'll be following this one. I hope you can keep up the hilariousness factor.

Welcome aboard! And I also hope I can keep up with the humour!

Any AP ripoff AAR I must read... Nice work so far!

Welcome to the adventure.

Like what I'm seeing. But your count is almost too intelligent to be a true Alfred Packer ripoff.

True, but he'll probably go crazy or senile or something.

i am in

Welcome aboard!

 

[Kommunaut]

There and Never Back Again: Escape From Sweden​

​

A blatant Alfred Packer ripoff

Off To War


Uppland, Sweden January 15, 1067

"Hello everyone, and welcome to the meeting.
First off, I'd like everyone to meet my wife and chancellor, Ingrid Svensdottir Knýtling"

"Hello Everyone"

"Wait, you got married? Why wasn't I invited to the wedding?"

"Umm...
I figured you were far too busy for such a trivial thing.
Anyways, moving on..."

"But your Holiness, I thought..."

"MOVING ON...
Now you've all been informed on my plans. It's time to put them to action.

Tolir. You and Ake will lead my armies against Count Björn of Hälsingland.
I will stay here in the comfort of the castle and manage the duchy.
Any questions?"

"Yeah, aren't you coming with us, Monsignor?"

"No no no no no. God No.
I need to stay here, with my wife. I'm sure you all understand."

"Your Grace, I'm sorry to interject, but the men will be demoralized without your presence. Your place is at the head of the army."

"Ake, while I value your input, I have to disagree with you on this point.
My place is here, with my wife, fathering an heir or 3."

(Ingrid giggles)

"Besides, I have full confidence in your abilities as marshal to lead our troops into victory against Hälsingland, Meddlepad, and Ångermanland.
That's another thing. When you're done, I want you to attack Meddlepad and Ångermanland.
Now move out!"

(Sigh)
"Of Course, your Grace."

"You won't be disappointed, my Jarl"


(Both Leave)

(Sigh)
"I wonder if that imbecile will ever get my damn title right, or will he wait for me to become king before calling me 'Your Grace?'"

"I'm sure he just does it to irk you.
Anyway, I thought you'd like to know that the king is mobilizing his own armies to assist in the coming conflicts."

"I guess he doesn't know what I'm planning. That's good..."


(The meeting is interrupted by a foreign warrior entering the room)

"Hello Your Grace!
We are the Dead Oak Rogue Company, all the way from England, and..."

"How in God's name did you know I was going to war?"

"We have one thousand able-bodied men, and..."

"I'm serious! We have a major security breach!
Gustav! Find and kill whomever is responsible!"

"As you command"

"Your Grace, are you going to hire us or what?"

"Huh, what?
No, of course not. Now leave.
Now if you'll all excuse me, Ingrid and I have some 'Business' to attend to."

​

 

[unmerged(90994)]

Heh, I like Tolir. And not just because he's managed to invent the high-five 900 years before Glenn Burke. (Not that Glenn would be interested in that particular use of Prima Noctae… )

Keep up the good work!

 

[Teep]

I'd be amazed that the news could get to england fast enough, not that there is such a huge security breach.

 

[Murmurandus]

That D.O.R.C. really looks competent and impressive... I propose you have it killed...

 

[Enewald]

Business comes always first.
Then war. But pagans are surely fun conquests.