Will the real Khanate please stand up – A Chagatai AAR

[The Swert]

Chapter V: Reigns of Old Yunus Bey and Young Mahmud Khan

It was 1483 when Yunus Bey, Khan of the Eggs, finally fell stopped listening to his disco music for more than a few minutes to access the situation of his Khanate. Now that he had recovered Ferghana from the Uzbeks there was much pressure from his Eggs for him to take Tashkand back from the Timurid Monkeys. It had been a five years since the end of the Uzbek war and the Eggs had rejuvenated and were ready for the war that they hoped for.

Yunus Bey was in probably in a better situation than his predecessors to conquer the Monkeys; they only had four provinces left and were now part of a weak alliance. The only issue was that the Monkeys had been attacked by the Oompa Loompas who invaded Kalat. The Monkeys didn’t understand the Oompa Loompas peace requests and so the war sat in stalemate for several years. During this time the Monkeys had bred like...monkeys and he gathered an army of 60,000 monkeys which dominated over the Egg Horde over 20,000.

A regiment of the huge Monkey Horde

Yunus’ Bey’s decision was constricted by the fact that the Monkeys had insulted him by destroying one of his disco tapes which gave him a Casus Belli until March 1484. This meant Yunus Bey had a deadline to prepare for and when it arrived he declared war. China and Punjab joined the war whilst the Monkeys called upon some faraway land called Bundelkhand to join which they did before realising they didn’t know who the Eggs were. The war began simply enough; the Egg Horde marched into Tashkand whilst the Monkeys marched into Ferghana. Many Monkeys soon starved to death as there were insufficient bananas in Ferghana and eating Eggs only made them sick. Yunus Bey’s reservations would soon became a nonissue as the Monkeys numbers dwindled in the attrition.

Yunus Bey was not happy with this.

It was then that the indefatigibly ‘Can I play?’ Muppets declared war on the Eggs. On this occasion though they were allied with the Cannibals again. Throughout 1484 Yunus Bey ignored the Muppets as he noticed that the Chinese had defeated the Cannibals and were attempted to regain Cochin. During the middle of the year Yunus Bey received some interesting news from afar. Apparently the White Blob, who had reincarnated in Styria had now once again been defeated. The reports said that the Tyroleans had used fire extinguishers to freeze the Blob.

The White Blob dies again.

Back on the war front, even though the Monkeys numbers were diminishing and the Eggs had the cavalry advantage Yunus Bey was having trouble claiming the ascendency. In fact the Chinese were making quicker progress against the Cannibals and in July 1485 they offered to cede Cochin which Yunus Bey permitted and ended the war against the Muppets. Not long afterwards, as both armies dwindled, the Eggs and the Monkeys entered what would be the Monkeys last major stand against the Eggs in Samarkand. The battle was the last of a succession of Monkey attacks to liberate the province and the Eggs had been weakened by the earlier attempts and Yunus Bey knew that if this battle was lost much of his remaining army would fall. The battle took place outside of Samarkand in a rare hilly region which minimised the Eggs cavalry advantage. The Monkeys came at the Eggs in two groups but the Eggs were on a hill and had formed a defensive ring consisting of a cavalry circumnavigating the outside getting faster and faster and three groups of infantry on the inside. As the Monkeys charged up the hill the cavalry charged out of the centrifugal motion like with incredibly speed and ripped through the Monkeys to victory. Refer to diagram.

The Battle of Samarkand: Eggs = Blue; Monkeys = Red

This good news led to bad news as the peasant Eggs revolted causing Tienshan, Khoshot and Urga to fall into rebel hands; stability was once again becoming an issue. It was a good thing that the Monkeys were all but defeated. In May 1486 Samarkand was captured and soon after the Cashmere Army took Bukhara. Victory was within sight when Yunus Bey died of an ear infection after sticking his earphones in a bit too much. This called for a new Khan so Yunus Bey’s son was recalled from Kabul where he had formed a marriage. This was Mahmud Khan, who having married a Kabul girl had become a Kabul guy and had come to look like Jim Carey.

Mahmud Khan, not the most handsome looking Khan.

It was shame Yunus Bey couldn’t hold on a few more months because that’s all it took to capture Tashkand and then the Timurids were defeated. All that was left was to get the Monkeys to sign the Oompa Loompa pace so that the Eggs could vassalise them entirely. In June 1487, the peace was signed, Bukhara was givne to Punjab, Tashkand to the Eggs and the once mighty Timurid Empire was now a vassal of the Eggs.

Victory over the Monkeys.

The next issue for Mahmud Khan to deal with was the ongoing stability issues. The peasants’ revolt in 1486 was followed up with a noble revolt in 1487 after they were denied the right to subjugate the peasants more. This left the eggs stability at 0 which created risks of the many pagan provinces revolting. Over the next three years slow progress was made in gaining back the peasants and nobles trust. Just as stability was almost fully recuperated another scandal broke in 1490, a noble had allied with the Snowmen. It looked as though either the Eggs were missing Yunus Bey’s disco music or hated Jim Carey. Either way it looked like Mahmud Khan wasn’t going to have an easy rule, even if he had conquered the Timurids.

The backstabbing, conniving, rebellious noble who joined the Snowmen.

 

[The Swert]

Well with it being Easter i figured that the Eggs need another chapter. Although i've struggled to find time to write this recently, especially since getting Fifa 08. I do have another more major project in progress, would anybody want me to continue this, which was created as somewhat of a yoke [sic], or should i end it to focus on my next project? As readers might have noticed I'm running out of material nowadays and its turning into more of a gameplay AAR.

Chapter VI: Reign of Old Mahmud Khan

The Chagatai Khanate in 1491 was ruled by Mahmud Khan who in recent years had struggled to win over his eggy subjects in the same way as his father. The Eggs had revolted against the Khan several times already but by 1491 things were settling down. Mahmud Khan decided that the easiest way to avoid internal conflicts was to create some external conflict. The Eggs built up their army once more Mahmud Khan decided where to invade. Before he got very far his decision was made for him when China declared war on the Mongolia. This provided a good chance for the Eggs to finally conquer the annoying little Muppets once and for all as in all previous wars the Eggs had been sidetracked on another front.

The Chagatai Horde marched east to defeat the Mongol armies but it didn’t go as planned. A siege was laid on Karakorum whilst an expedition was sent to the backlands but the Muppets fought back. Led by their leaders the Muppets were able to lift the siege in Karakorum and the Chagatai Horde soon found itself stuck in the snow.

In the next year the horde was able to capture Sain Noyan but its numbers were dwindling. In 1493 China signed a peace with the Manchu and pulled out of the war and this seemed to spark the interest of the Punjabis. In 1494 the Cashmere Army arrived just in time to add to the deathpit that was the siege of Karakorum. The capital of the Muppets fell in January allowing the Eggs to retreat across the border to see out the winter. Although there was a better reason for them to retreat, once again Mahmud Khan had failed to keep control of his eggs throughout the Khannate; some say he tried to put them all into one basket. Either way his policy of stability through war was failing as unhappy peasants revolted in Dzasagtu, Ilibalik and Shighnan.

By the time the revolts had been defeated the next winter was settling in and the Eggs dared not launch an assault. During the absence though the Punjabis had squeezed through and captured Setsen. In January 1496 after many failed attempts to obliterate the final Muppet Army in 1495, a small regiment of Eggs was able to surround them in Setsen and killed them all. Once again though it would take all year to break through the siege and thousands of Eggs and Punjabis were lost until Jan 1497 when the city fell. The final two Mongolian provinces were in the far North West and would appear to be the most difficult to besiege. However it wasn’t as bad as predicted, in Yikha at least, As the Eggs were able to make the most of the summer conditions to capture the province by September that year. With just one province to go the Chagatai Horde retreated once more. During the October the eggs of Dzasagtu revolted for the third time in two years and now even their numbers were so great that Mahmud Khan decided not to risk his Eggs against the rebels. By March 1498 control in Dzasagtu was lost but at least the weather had eased and the Eggs could re-enter Mongolia to besiege Kan. The rest of Dzasagtu was spent trying to manage the numerable rebellions and by May Dzasagtu was recaptured. Progress was slow in Kan and by the end of the year the siege had barely made an impact. A small number of Eggs stayed in Kan over the following winter with the majority falling back once more to the Khanate.

The frozen Eggs were shipped home in mass coffins

In April of 1499 the Chagatai Horde returned to Kan and the siege was renewed. It should probably have been predictable that Kan, being the last outpost of the Muppets, would be the most difficult the capture, and it was. Even after over a year, the Muppets were enduring the siege with no sign of giving in. The Chagatai Horde was forced to see out yet another winter and as the Eggs froze in the Mongolian freeze Mahmud Khan sent more troops to Kan to ensure the siege carried on. The Eggs had now decided that the Muppets must be defeated once and for all and this victory must come as soon as possible and as such no expense was spared. Two years and four major revolts after the siege was begun the Muppets surrendered. Kan was captured and all that was left was to divide up the conquered lands. Mahmud Khan negotiated with the Mongolian leader but after the another long year in which the Muppet King refused to give up Sain Noyan to the Eggs Mahmud Khan ordered his death and the instalment of a new Muppet King who would be a puppet to the Eggs. The new king was powerless and accepted a peace in April 1502 with the Eggs which saw Mongolia become a vassal of the Chagatai Khanate and Setsen become a Punjabi province.

The murdered Muppet leader

New puppet Muppet leaders

With the 11-year conquest of Mongolia now completed Mahmud Khan wanted to relax and return stability to his Khanate; a large minority were now overtly trying to overthrow his rule. The peace with Mongolia eased some pressure and freed up the army for suppressing the rebels but it was not enough. There was huge public resentment for the ongoing war against Manchu, with which the Eggs had never directly fought and since China had made peace with them had had no capacity for contact. Mahmud Khan quickly tried to make peace with the Cannibals but with Cannibals being Cannibals they could smell the juicy Eggs from across the Chinese border and were hungry for yolk. It took another year until a change in wind direction stopped the Eggs’ smell from drifting over Manchuria before the Cannibals complied and signed a white peace. So finally after 12 years the Eggs were at peace.

One year later, after the Chagatai Khanate had returned to normality, Mahmud Khan launched his next bold plan which involved annexing Punjab. Punjab had been a vassal since the early years of the Disco Khan, Yunus Bey and as both nations fought aside one another in the following years, relations became more personal. This was exemplified by the Eggs decisions to grant Ferghana and most recently Setsen to their client state which were both in anticipation for the annexation. And so in May 1503 Punjab became a part of the Chagatai Khanate and for simplicity all the Cashmere-wearing Punjabis were given a diet of eggs to help aid their assimilation process.

The Chagatai Khanate in 1504

With Punjab now a part of the Khanate Mahmud Khan eased off the pedal. His empire was now rather large and given that the Eggs don’t particular relate to their Khan overlords, it was always hard to control the masses, as Mahmud had struggled with all his life. His later years were of no exception. In 1504 a lot of his hard work came undone when noble eggs wanted to subjugate peasant eggs. Mahmud Khan may have been older now but he still seemed to have the same old fate.


(As an aside, boy is it difficult to conquer Mongolia! Snowy weather, rebellious pagans, tough terrain; it took me 11 years to conquer them and they only had 5 forts. Each winter you need to build new infantry to balance out the attrition but this raises war exhaustion; I had 17% RR in some of the occupied pagan, altai provinces)

 

[unmerged(95243)]

Nice work so far. You really make little pieces of art out of your updates. Have you checked the current Pommerania AAR? The author did something nice with his map colors. Seems the kinda thing you're into.

BTW thx for the library, it's a real help sometimes.
Don't know why so few people comment on this comical piece of jewelAARy.
I bet your work on the library, checking out all those AARs inspired you to make a top-AAR

ps. The new puppet Muppet Kings seem not very trustworthy though, i bet they'll cause you some trouble later on. And the photograph of the corpse of the old Muppet King... How long after his death was it taken? It's already turned green!

 

[unmerged(61727)]

Oh noes not the old Muppet leader. :rofl:

 

[unmerged(81979)]

This is really funny. Keep it up!

 

[The Swert]

Wari Bana - Thanks for the compliments. Working through the library opened my eyes thats for sure. In recent years the comedy genre has pretty much died and i supposed the comedies of yesteryear inspired my to revive the genre. Also the AARland Choice Awards played their part, if not for that i would not have noticed the lack of comedies.

I've read the Pommeranian AAR, its a good AAR but i don't like the colours, too dark.

Shortynds - Kermit must die! lol


Chapter VII: Reigns of the Bedridden Mahmud Khan and Young Mansur Khan

In 1506 the Chagatai Khanate, led by their now old and frail Mahmud Khan, was content as ever. After years of war the Eggs had finally managed to win over many of its neighbours. The Muppet of Mongolia were vassalised puppets, the Khazak Hoarders were free to keep hoarding but had to pay the Eggs for each kilo they gathered and the Monkeys of the Timurid Empire were cowering in their final bastion in Samarkand. With things fairly settled after the annexation of the Punjabis, Mahmud Khan saved up to convert some of the pagan Muppets to the correct Sunni faith. The Eggs teachings of the Sunni faith told how each when each Egg died they hoped to land Sunni side up in order to be raised up to heaven.

Soon enough though, the Uzbeks smelt a weak monkey and declared war on the Timurids in an action that Mahmud Khan was most unhappy about but was powerless to intervene. The Monkeys were his vassals but if the Uzbeks captured Samarkand they could take the Jewel of the Khanates in their own right. Things didn’t looked good and the Eggs could only watch as the Centaur army defeated the small monkey horde and surrounded the city. Mahmud Khan was desperate to stop Samarkand falling to the Uzbeks and in act that would please the Khazaks he told some of his men to venture into the Samarkand region and hoard as much of the available food as possible in hopes that the Centaurs with their demanding grain diet would starve. The plan failed as food was rampant but the Timurid leader Babur, who as his name suggested was of the Baboon tribe, had developed an inspired plan of his own. He put a restriction to the number of hoofed animals allowed near the city and set this restriction to 9,450. This meant that since the Centaurs had hooves, only 9,450 were allowed to besiege the city without paying a substantial fine and this meant that the Uzbeks wouldn’t be able to proceed with a proper siege. It was brilliant and the Uzbeks bought it and so for the next three years 9,450 Centaurs just sat outside Samarkand until they got bored and a peace was signed in 1509.

Babur, leader of the Monkeys

In the meantime much had happened in the Chagatai Khanate. The first of the former Muppet provinces, Altan, had been converted to the Sunni-side-up religion but more importantly Mahmud Khan had died. Mahmud Khan was replaced by Mansur Khan. Mansur Khan was a married man and his wife was from Bulkh. Since his marriage his wife had insisted on him taking up the Bulkh diet and so by the time he came to the throne he looked like this:

Mansur Khan

Mansur Khan was a more peace-loving Khan than his father. Instead of going on a slaughtering rampage through Mongolia Mansur Khan was interested in exploration. It was a bit of wasted trait considering the Chagataites position in the middle of everywhere and miles from the nearest coast. Nonetheless there was one way Mansur Khan could relieve his little exploring infatuation and so in 1508 he arranged a grant allowing the Eggs through China’s lands. Immediately he sent parts of his hordes to interior of China and slowly they spread towards the coast. It would take some 7 years to discover the dozens of provinces that Chinese had to offer. Many of these discoveries were rather pointless as the Eggs never imagined needing to walk to Macao for example but nonetheless a few discoveries were notable including that of four new nations: Korea, Ayutthaya, Mu Bang and Lu Chuan.

Not long after the Uzbeks and Timurids made peace in 1509 did trouble unfold in Mongolia. The puppet rulers that were setup by Mansur Khan’s father were being criticised for being too feeble and old and a new rival was emerging. By the end of the year stability had dropped as the opposition mounted and soon enough the nation descended into all out civil war. Although the Eggs were obliged to stay neutral in the internal dispute their support tended towards the existing rule, as they were least likely to threaten the Eggs’ overlordship.

The rebel leader

The war carried on for four long years and the loyalist forces found themselves if not outnumbered at least overwhelmed by the rebels. The rebel leader was one feisty porcine. Despite the difficulties, the loyalists were able to keep a hold of all the major centres whilst some of the more outlaying regions were suffering from the war they were completely impartial towards. Finally by 1513 the rebels were in recession and the loyalists were victorious although some provinces still maintained rebellion for several more months. At the end of the war the provinces of Uda and Sain Noyan, who each had no association with either side during the war saw a chance for defection and were able to break away from Mongolia and join the Eggs, a movement unhesitantly supported by Mansur Khan.

Uda and Sain Noyan defect the Eggs.

During the Muppet Civil War, Mansur Khan spent time addressing his religious issues. It seemed as though many of the Eggs in former Muppet lands were dying with their Sunni-side down without fear or care. This was a heretical occurrence which caused distress amongst the rest of the Khanate resulting in lower productivity and happiness. Mansur Khan took to placing missionaries to ensure that these heretics aspired towards dying Sunni-side up. In 1509 Urga resisted the conversion and so, in a demonstration towards other heretics, thousands of heretics were slaughtered carefully and forced to die Sunni-side up. This conversion by sword divided many Eggs but the demonstration worked and Urga slowly converted to the national faith. Three years later, the missionaries were far more successful in peacefully converting the Eggs in Dzasagtu. Setsen resisted and kicked out the missionaries in 1515 but in 1519 Sain Noyan, the newly defected province, converted without resistance. Mansur Khan had not eliminated the Sunni-side apathetic heretics but they were now a smaller minority and the greater bond of the Khanate was now much improved.

By the time that Mansur Khan’s crusade was over, in 1519, news was arriving from away that on the far side of the world, they were suffering religious tension of their own. Details were sketchy but it seems that some people on the far side of the world were accused of corrupting the faith and a man from beyond the far side of the world said a few things and then a new religion was born somewhere beyond the far side of the world. This so-called Reformation was of little interest to the Eggs even though it would go down as one of the most important events in the history of the far side of the world. Far more important was what began just two years later.

The Timurid Monkeys, who were once mortal enemies of the Eggs, were basic creatures. Mansur Khan wanted to take Samarkand and whilst it was clear that Monkeys wouldn’t just leave their homeland they were open to temptation. The years approaching 1521 Mansur Khan started sending banana bribes to the Monkeys, slowly but surely the Monkeys soon forgot about their mortal enemies and became mild towards their banana-bringers. In fact before long the Monkeys became dependent on the Eggs for food and even they masterful leader Babur could not control his subjects. In March Babur resigned as head of the Timurids and the country was annexed into the Chagatai Khanate. Samarkand, the jewel of the Khanates, was finally in the hands of the Eggs but that was just the beginning in a series of important events for the Eggs.

The Chagatai Khanate annexing the Timurid Empire

 

[unmerged(81979)]

Its been a long time coming, but congratulations on annexing the Timurids!

 

[unmerged(95243)]

:rofl:
Wise choice of Mansur Khan diplo-annexing the Monkeys. Baboor, the siegebreaker expert would probably have stalled for years.
What's Mansur Khans cup size, according to contemporary chroniclers?

 

[unmerged(48100)]

Very nice AAR, it's been some time since I looked into EU2. Keep it going, there were some very interesting aspects.

 

[unmerged(62305)]

Another good update, I'm in favor of you keeping it up if you are able to. Annexing the Timurids has put you in reach of some juicy targets. Where to from here?

 

[The Swert]

Another good update, I'm in favor of you keeping it up if you are able to. Annexing the Timurids has put you in reach of some juicy targets. Where to from here?

Next update will probably be on the weekend, uni is getting busier so updates might become less frequent. I've already played the next chapter, it turned out rather fun to play.

The next target clearly would be the rascally Uzbeks. How dare they try to take Samarkand! Unfortunately though they've got friends...

 

[The Swert]

A long update this time so enjoy. Hopefully it keeps you satisified for a couple of weeks because i won't be able to update before the end of next week at the earliest, damn assignments.


Chapter VIII: The Evolution and the Reign of Middle-Aged Mansur Khan

In 1521, the Eggs of the Chagatai Khanate annexed their long time rival the Timurid Empire and took control of the important city of Samarkand. It light of the annexation it was realised that the Chagatai Khanate would suffer constitutional problems. The Chagatai Khanate now encompassed both the Chagatai Khanate and the ex-Timurid Khanate which was a contradiction in Khanates. A Khan cannot be a Khan of one land and the Khan of another at the same time, there is a separate title and constitution for this situation. The Eggs quickly rushed to their archives to dig up the history files dating from the times of great Chagatai Khan himself. The archives said that a Khan who ruled over many Khanates was called a Khan of Khans, which had been condensed into another title. The trouble was, the Eggs couldn’t make out what that word was...Kagan? It looked like ‘Kagan’ but that word meant nothing to them; they were convinced that it must have been a spelling mistake and quickly began to discuss words that ‘Kagan’ might be referring to. They assumed that the letters were all correct as their stroking was definitive, the author must have just got the letters jumbled. After much deliberation throughout the land, in the start of 1522 the Eggs came to a consensus that ‘Kagan’ must mean ‘Kanga’, the mythical symbol of a land far to the south.

With the decision made, moves were made to change the structure of the land. The Chagatai Khanate became the Chagatai Kanganate, Mansur Khan became the new Great Kanga of the Kanganate. In the process of all the uplifting and spring cleaning, dozens of economic papers were rediscovered which led to a great decrease in the inflation levels of the Kanganate. As the year dragged on, some academic sceptics challenged the interpretation of ‘Kagan’ as the connection between the mythical animal of the southern land and the Eggs seemed nonexistent. However just as they were pleading their cases they were soon shut up by the greatest event in the history of the Eggs.

After over a hundred years of existence, heated by the warm deserts of the Asian interior, the first Egg finally began cracking. The moment was one of national celebration and the whole nation came to stand still for the 8 months that it took for the Egg to hatch (triggering a considerable recession). There was much anticipation and hesitation as to what the hatchling would be. During the hatching period it became apparent that this was no fluke, other Eggs were beginning to start cracking as well, although the proportion was still tiny. The questions were all answered when the Egg finally hatched to reveal a little Kanga. The Eggs hatched into Kangas; what a proposition! However so many answers still eluded the Eggs. Was it just coincidence that the first hatching occurred just after the capture of Samarkand and the renaming of the Khanate into a Kanganate? Was it just a coincidence that the archives misspelt Kanga as ‘Kagan’. It hardly seemed likely, there had to be something more to it. Perhaps it was great Chagatai Khan’s doing. A part of his master plan, he left the egg-shaped banner to turn to the Chagataites into Eggs and waited until the Eggs had conquered at least one other Khanate before permitting the first hatching of a Kanga which would coincide with the new Kanganate’s christening. It all made sense, Chagatai Khan was brilliant.

A baby of the new species of Chagataite

The new situation was inspiring for Mansur Khan, the new Great Kanga, however things soon deteriorated for the most successful leader of the Eggs. Over the next couple of years more and more Kangas started hatching, about 0.2% of all Eggs each year, not a number to worry the Eggs majority for centuries. Due to their novelty and mobile superiority over the Eggs, the Kangas quickly became seen as a higher class of Chagataite and before long some started to question the role of Mansur Khan. How could the role of Great Kanga be held by a Khan? Surely Chagatai Khan named it Kanga because it was intended to be held by the Kangas they argued.

All of a sudden Mansur Khan was under pressure to step down. There was only thing that he knew how to do that would save himself, war. He quickly looked about him to find an enemy to attack. The old enemy of the Centaurs lay in the West but their diplomatic situation had changed somewhat. The Centaurs were now allied with the Flintstones of Khorasan and another nation oddly named Delhi. The Chagataites soon learned that Delhi was a short name for Dehlicatessen. That name made much more sense because they did tend to look a lot like processed meat. Unfortunately, despite wanting desperately to go to war with one of these nations Mansur Khan had no legal reason and his lawyers wouldn’t let him.

A typical sausage from Delhi

Finally in 1524, Mansur Khan got a lucky break. The Uzbeks suffered a succession crisis and the Eggs were asked to support a pretender to the throne. This was just the kind of legitimate excuse Mansur Khan needed and in February the war began. It certainly wasn’t going to be an easy war, the Uzbeks, Khorasan and Delhi formed a frontline from the Caspian to the Ganges ever since Delhi annexed the Kabul Guys. On the Eggs side were China, as always, the Khazak Hoarders and the massive Bulkhs. Masnsur’s first priority was to break through Khorasan’s lines to provide support for the cut-off provinces of Khorasan and Turkmeni. Khorasan would also be the easiest to conquer since some of their cities were unwalled; nonetheless each of the enemies had over 20,000 strong armies.

The combatants

To support the new war, the Kangas were trained and became valuable cavalry units gradually replacing the horses that the Eggs previously rode into battle. The duality tactics would revolutionise Chagatai Warfare but it didn’t get off to such a good start when in the first major battle outside Merw, the Chagatai Horde was defeated. Things soon improved and with much help from the Balkhs Khorasan began to waver. In January 1425 Herat was captured and in April the capital Merw fell from which the Flintstones would not recover despite their ongoing presence of their main army. Whilst this was going on another Egg army had entered the northern Centaur lands. Turgay had been quickly taken but the main battles on the Uzbek front were between the Khazaks and the Centaurs. The Khazaks quickly overwhelmed the inferior Uzbek Army and took their capital which soon resulted in the front turning into a stalemate. The fiercest front for the Eggs was the Delhi front. The inherited Punjabi army was the largest in the Kanganate but the Eggs soon found out why Delhi had expanded so much in recent years. The initial push was not too difficult, a straight-forward march down the hills into Punjab which Delhi, after some resistance seemed to give up on and it was captured in May 1525.

Khorasan’s Army

By the middle of 1426, Turgay, Yust Yurt and Khiva had been taken from the Centaurs but the Centaurs had been able to retake their capital. Khorasan too had retaken their capital but had lost Kandihar and were reduced now to just the one army. In Delhi, Balkh had control in Kabul whilst the Eggs managed to capture Quetta but at the loss of Punjab; the Eggs were avoiding the more numerous Sausage Army. By 1427 it was just a matter of time before Khorasan would be totally defeated, they lost Seistan and Masenderan leaving only their capital Merw left and a roaming, panicking army. In September their army was routed from Merw for a final time and dispersed. Some nine months later the city fell and the Flintstones surrendered. To provide access to the disconnected provinces, Mansur Khan took Karakum and the rest of Khorasan was vassalised.

During this time Balkh had pulled out. They were content enough to take Kabul from Delhi and then, benefitting from the decade long Sausage vs. Salami Dispute that had been going on in Delhi even before the war, Peshewar defected to Bulkh as well. With the war still going, the Eggs were able to take back Punjab before besieging Multan. It was then, in June 1528, that the most crucial battle of the war took place when the Sausage Army tried to lift the siege on Multan. The Sausage Army was arranged into four quadrants, varying by the size of the sausage. The Eggs were arranged into a double circle except a small section of Kangas broke out the formation and took up a reserve position at the back (refer to battle map). The Delhi attack was doomed from the start as each section was uncoordinated with the others. The whole system broke down needed major reformatting.

Battle of Multan, Eggs are dark grey, Delhi are yellow, blue, green and red

Not long afterwards, the Chinese arrived at the front. Instead of helping by burning the Sausage Army with their fireworks the Chinese started besieging provinces on their own, even the Khazaks sent an army down to do the same. Between Rebels, Chinese, Eggs and Hoarders the Sausage Army wasn’t game enough to leave its capital. Before long the Eggs felt crowded out by their allies who progressively stole the sieges of Kalat and Dejarat from them. Back in the North, the Eggs and the Uzbeks were doing laps of the Aral Sea seeing who could capture all the provinces first. The Eggs were too outnumbered and supply-strained to face the Centaurs in combat shell-to-hoof and so the lapping would continue whilst Delhi posed the bigger threat in the South.

As the Punjabi Army captured Multan in 1529 Delhi’s who had been amassing forces finally came into contact with China in Bahawalpur and were shown what it means to be processed. Mansur Khan then felt his chance and pushed across the river into Pattala. After two attempts to defeat the Sausages there the Eggs had to fall back which allowed the Chinese to step in and succeed where the Eggs failed. So whilst the Chinese besieged Pattala and captured Bahawalpur the Eggs made the final push against the now weakened Sausage Army into Delhi. The Eggs were victorious and laid siege. Another Chinese army followed the remnants of the Sausage Army back to Canpore.

In 1530, Delhi fell and Mansur Khan started negotiating with their leaders offering vassalisation. They were not interested and the Chinese continued their sieges on Pattala and Canpore. The only other Delhi province was Bikaner which was controlled by rebels. As time passed more peace offers were made to Delhi but no deal could be made and the Delhi government was put under immense pressure. Unable to secure a peace, almost completely conquered and with rebels running riot in the remainder it wasn’t much surprise really that after China captured those last two provinces that the Salami rebels launched a coup and dismissed the Sausage government. The new government was in little position to fight and allowed whoever controlled whichever provinces to take ownership. This was a major shock to the Mansur Khan, he had planned in capturing several provinces from Delhi; the Uzbeks were the main enemy. Furthermore he never planned to leave the Indus Valley in such a jumbled state; China took Bahawalpur, Pattala and Canpore, the Khazaks took Kalat and Dejarat and, since Balkh took Kabul and Peshewar, that left Quetta, Multan and Punjab for the Eggs.

After this bizarre twist to the war, pressure from within wanted no more conquest, the Kangas were becoming known for having sharp claws and onboard prisoner cells known as pouches which were scaring some of the neighbours. The Uzbeks also were not yet contained, the lapping of Aral Sea was continuing and Mansur Khan had to decide whether to manuever his troops from Delhi to the fight the Centaurs in an operation that would likely prolong the war for another few years or whether to cut his losses and settle for an partial victory. He chose the latter and the Centaurs were happy to negotiate. The Eggs gained Khiva and Khwarizm in August 1531, which added towards the aesthetics of the Kanganate’s borders. Mansur Khan could have been more demanding on the Centaurs but despite the rivalry he didn’t want to ruin the Eggs reputation further after it was compromised by the Delhi affair.

The extent of the newly named Chagatai Kanganate

The peace with the Centaurs ended the war for the Eggs. Surprisingly Balkh fought on. It had made peace with Delhi in 1526 but had stayed at war with Khorasan, even after they become a vassal of the Eggs. It nearly led to a near dispute between the Balkhs and the Eggs as at one point, whilst Khorasan was still underpower it looked like Balkh might take several provinces outside of the Eggs suzerainty. However conflict was averted as Khorasan rebuilt and fought back to level terms with Balkh. Three months after the Eggs ended its war Balkh and Khorasan signed a peace and Mansur Khan let out a sigh before quickly arranging for the Balkhs to become a Chagatai vassal. Less than a year later Balkh agreed and the Chagatai Kanganate had effective control over all of Eastern Persia. The Eggs and Kangas were so pleased with the outcome of the war that decided not to overthrow Mansur Khan. They decided to let him live out the reign and that the next Great Kanga would be a Kanga.

NB: Just an historical note, Kangaroos are actually mammals and therefore don't hatch from eggs in real life.

Oh and btw, Austria didn't die After Tyrol became Austria they won a war against Bavaria and are close to their original size. Still, Bohemia and Hungary remained independent though.

 

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It looked like ‘Kagan’ but that word meant nothing to them; they were convinced that it must have been a spelling mistake and quickly began to discuss words that ‘Kagan’ might be referring to. They assumed that the letters were all correct as their stroking was definitive, the author must have just got the letters jumbled. After much deliberation throughout the land, in the start of 1522 the Eggs came to a consensus that ‘Kagan’ must mean ‘Kanga’, the mythical symbol of a land far to the south.

:wacko: can't argue with that

 

[The Swert]

Chapter IX: Reigns of Old Mansur Khan and Young Abd ar-Rashid Khan.

After the war with the Uzbeks, Delhi and Khorasan the Chagatai Kanganate eased back into the peaceful state that their Great Kanga, Mansur Khan, had built his state upon. His place as leader of the Eggs was now assured by an ironclad agreement with the Kangas. Accordingly, the next few year were quite throughout central Asia. In 1538 Mansur Khan, with the growth of the Kangas much of the Kanganate’s infrastructure was dated and unsuitable for the new breed, decided to invest into many public works. With this investment, the Eggs infrastructure was much improved for the first time in 50 years. This new infrastructure soon allowed the smartest Eggs and Kangas to come together and soon discovered how to brew beer from wine. Over the two decades or so the recipe was built upon and perfected so that breweries could be built across the land.

Kanga scientists perfecting a brew

By 1540 Mansur Khan was planning his next expansion, although this time he was using his political skills. His goal was the make the Khazaks a part of the Kanganate although this would require many bribes to get the Khazaks to agree to, what they considered was the sale of their hoard. Trying to bribe Hoarders is not easy since they already have one of everything and then some. It was a slow process and all the Mansur Khan’s diplomats were sent to the hoard to try and find out what they needed. This great search was actually one of the worst events in the Eggs history. Whilst it seemed innocent enough, it drew away all of Mansur Khan’s diplomatic service. In November 1541, the Eggs’ alliance with China, Balkh and the Khazaks came to an end. With the borders now closed all of the Eggs’ diplomats were stuck in the Hoard and rumour has it the Khazaks even tried to claim possession of them. The bigger issue was that when the former allies arrived in the Kanganate to negotiate a renewal Mansur Khan had no interpreters or negotiators and was forced to send them away. The crucial alliance with China was definitively ended a month later when the Chinese decided to ally with the Eggs’ enemy Tibet before any diplomats could navigate their way out of the Hoard.

It wasn’t until the next August that a diplomat was finally able to escape back to the Kanganate from where he was immediately sent to reform the alliance with the Khazak Hoarders. The damage had been done though and the Eggs would hence forth have to watch it’s East for the largest, most powerful and highly technological country in the world, China. After that disaster Mansur Khan’s health quickly deteriorated, most probably due to shame. He had been the Eggs’ best Khan so far but that last action practically undid all his hard work. He died, amid both cheers of respect and of relief, in January 1543 and was replaced, as per agreement by the first Kanga to be Great Kanga. The new leader’s name was Abd ar-Rashid Khan, he was a Kanga but to ease the transition Manusr Khan had married an Egg who was about to crack and so Abd ar-Rashid Khan was of the same dynasty as the Khans and so he and all of his descendent Kangas would retain the surname Khan.

Abd ar-Rashid Khan

Abd ar-Rashid Khan had a hard job trying to recover from Mansur Khan’s problems. Relations with China were fading and so he offered to form a royal marriage between the two nations to ease the pressure, which it seemed to, but the alliance chance had passed. In 1445, after years of searching the diplomats in the Hoard finally discovered something that the Khazaks still needed, a vacuum cleaner. Abd ar-Rashid Khan bought a vacuum cleaner and negotiated to buy the whole Hoard in exchange for the vacuum cleaner, the Khazaks accepted and their lands were annexed into the Kanganate. Little did he realise this would only enrage the Chinese to breaking point.

Unbeknownst to the Eggs at the time, the Chinese had been pressurising the Khazaks to return one of their men who they were holding against his will somewhere in the Hoard. When ownership of the Hoard passed in the Eggs in November 1545 China requested the Eggs to return their man to them. With the Eggs not even knowing about this man and the Khazaks crying innocent, the Eggs told the Chinese that they would look into it and return their man if they found him but it would take some time to sift through the Hoard. The Chinese gave the Eggs one month, not nearly enough time to conduct a proper search and when the month was up the Eggs pleaded for more time. The Chinese refused claiming a cover-up and declared war on the Eggs in December 1545. This was a bad situation for the Eggs and Abd ar-Rashid Khan knew it. Despite the advancement that the Kangas offered to the Chagatai military, the Chinese boasted an army of one million men and they would now be heading towards, and undoubtably through, the Kanganate. The diplomats did eventually find the lost man, buried several feet under the ground and slightly broken.

The lost Chinese man

The Million Man Army of China

The war with China was always going to be an uphill battle and it turned out that it was both their greater numbers and their greater skill that would hamper the Eggs efforts. The war began reasonably well, in the first few months the Eggs were able to hold the line at the Tibet border. The biggest issue in the first year was down in India. The Eggs thought that this would be the easier front as the Chinese only had a few thousand men to protect their 3 provinces and it turned out the majority of their forces were artillery. The Eggs saw a chance but when push came to shove it was there that the Chinese’s technological advantage came to the fore and despite outnumbering their infantry 5-1 the Eggs could not route the Chinese. To add salt to the wound the Chinese army than used their cannons to make light work of the defences in Dejarat and took the city in April. During this time it had been manageable on the Eastern Front until July when Setsen fell. The first skirmishes had shown that the Eggs would need to combine armies to stand any chance against the Chinese in battle but that compromised manoeuvrability and soon they were able to bypass the Chagatai forces no matter where they tried to defend.

By October the Terracotta Army had broken through the defences and captured the unprotected Ilibalik; the Eggs had never thought a backwater province like that would ever come in need of walls but then they never thought they would be at war with China. The Tibetans took Khotan a week later which allowed the Chinese to start sending troops through the Punjabi Pass to help their men in India. As the year ended a major effort was made to prevent the cannons to capture Quetta and the persistence paid off and the Indian Chinese force was finally nullified. The Eggs then tried to recapture Dejarat. In December as well, as the Chinese had retreated to press through the Punjabi pass, the Eggs were able to put a siege on Setsen. It was then that the little known state of Jaunpur declare war on the already cracking Eggs. Until now Balkh had been dormant in the war but as soon as Jaunpur entered the fray Balkh came to life and supported the siege on Dejarat.

In February 1547 the Eggs were able to recapture Ilibilik but only temporary as the Chinese marked another victory. It was clear that the Chinese were too strong an opponent for the Eggs as they sent more and more Terracottas westward. The Eggs began negotiating with them but the defeats had been so numerous that they wanted all four of the lost provinces, a deal which would see the loss of both Khotan and Ilibalik, both core Egg provinces. The Eggs could not accept that deal and fought on relishing the fact that they had sieges laid on Dejarat and Setsen whilst the Chinese had none. However when April came the Jaunpuri and Terracottas had combined to besiege Punjab. The Chinese cannons meant that it would fall before Dejarat and it did so on the 22nd. Jaunpur were the benificiaries but this meant that the Chinese were now right on the doorstep of India and the relative seclusion that the Eggs had enjoyed in the region would now be gone. Furthermore Jaunpur were now presenting a respectable threat and the Eggs could not cope with two wars. The war with China had to end and despite the fact that both Setsen and Dejarat were on the verge of being recovered, waiting longer would be more detrimental than beneficial as the Chinese were now swelling. Abd ar-Rashid Khan had tried sending diplomats to Tibet, China and Jaunpur in recent months and was now exhausted of options, his only choice was to accept the offer that the Tibetans presented on the 25th of April. It was a sad day for the Chagatai Kanganate as Dejarat, Ilibalik and Setsen were ceded to China and Khotan to Tibet.

The accepted peace with China

After that Abd ar-Rashid Khan was able to manoeuvre all his eastern forces towards Kashmir. Whilst they were in transit the force that was besieging Dejarat was able to defeat the Jaunpuri in Multan. Going on from that success that Eggs combined with the Balkhs to assault Punjab, the first time the Chagataites had ever performed an assault which was made possible by the introduction of the Kangas into the field. From there the war was under control. By the end of the year Jaunpur had been pushed back to their capital Tirhut and the Eggs had made the brutal decision to make them pay for the Eggs misfortune. By the turn of 1548 all of Jaunpur’s forces had been destroyed and the Eggs were free to besiege Rohikhand and Tirhut whilst the Balkhs besieged the less climate-friendly Simla. Only 5 months after that and both cities were captured allowing the two Egg Armies to envelop a new army built out of desperation by the Jaunpuri in May which signalled the end for them. All was left was 4 long years to whittle away at the mountain top defences in Nepal and Gurhka and across the Indus in Allahabad.

Jaunpur's final stand, or rather fall.

Not much happened during the 4 years except that some of the Kangas finally perfected their recipe and setup a brewery in Shighnan. The next major event occurred in 1552 when China annexed Tibet after only 10 years vassalisation; word has it they encapsulated the Snowmen with terracotta and called them their own. With the China’s alliance now gone Abd ar-Rashid Khan considered his options to reform the old alliance with China but whilst the acceptance would have been highly unlikely he didn’t get a chance to ask as they signed up with the Cannibals of Manchu before he could act. In October 1552, after dozens of frozen eggs were sent home in baskets, Nepal finally fell and Jaunpur was completely captured. In the truce that followed Simla would go to Balkh and the rest of Jaunpur would be vassalised. Sure, it wouldn’t repay the losses of the Chinese war and it didn’t actually help the Chagataites goal of conquering all the Khanates as Juanpur was not a Khanate, but it was some consolation for what had been a difficult 5 years for the Eggs. One day perhaps the Chinese would get their comeuppance but Abd ar-Rashid Khan was a realist and knew that that day would not be anytime soon; the Chinese were just too strong in every way.

China after annexing Tibet

The state of Northern India after the wars.

 

[The Swert]

Just a post to notify my readers that a detailed list of my AARs can now be found in the Inkwell which is a great initiative that provides a central place for authors to advertise their AARs. You'll also find many other great works listed there so why not take a look.

Also, there's just 4 days left to vote in this quarter's AARland Choice Awards. If you were thinking about voting but haven't got around to it or have made a placeholder and forgot about it then you've only a few days left to place your votes. Even if you only vote for a few EU2 AARs it would be much appreciated as this forum is the least voted forum so every vote helps and encourages writers to keep pushing the limit.

You can find both initiatives in the general AARland forum.

 

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Awsome update!

 

[The Swert]

Considering the fantastic nature of this AAR I think it’s time I introduced a glossary so that we can all keep track of who is who and what is what so that none of us, especially myself, gets confused. I will add to this as the Eggs interact with more nations.

The Chagatai Guide of Earthly Things – as of 1560
(Foreign Khanates are coloured yellow)

Internal Demographics

- The Eggs -
The Chagataites evolved into eggs after their founder sent them his banner which they interpreted as a sign to eat eggs. After eating lots of eggs their gradually took on their egg shape and the Chagataites were known as Eggs every since. They maintain the majority of the Chagatai demographic. Don’t like the cold. Warrior Eggs were brightly coloured foil (a la Easter Eggs). Tax collectors are painted gold for identification.

- The Kangas -
In 1522 the first egg began hatching and the result was a Kangaroo-like animal. More and more Kangas would hatch each decade but still in miniscule percentages, they would maintain a minority of the Chagatai demographic for centuries more. Seemingly smarter than the Eggs and much faster, they add much value to the Chagatai society and replaced horses as the main military cavalry unit. They are also seen as the natural and heavenly-sent leaders of the realm.

- The Chagataites -
A collective term for all Eggs, Kangas and subsidiary races that together form the Chagatai Kanganate.

- Khans -
The original ruling dynasty of the Chagataites. Always taking a similar yet unique appearance (a la Khan from Star Trek)

- Great Kangas -
The current rulers of the Chagataites. Named after the misreading of the title ‘Kagan’. Adopted by the Khans and considered a continuation of the Khan Dynasty, all Great Kangas retain the Khan name. Each Great Kanga is uniquely identified but all are Kangas, the divine leaders of the Kanganate.

- Chagatai Khanate -
The realm of the Chagataites before 1522 and the birth of the first Kangas.

- Chagatai Kanganate -
The realm of the Chagataites after 1522 and birth of the first Kangas. Named after the misreading of the title ‘Kagan’.

Religions

- Sunni religion -
The idealism that all Eggs should die ‘sunny side up’. National religion of the Chagataites and many other khanates. It’s meaning in non-Egg states is metaphoric.

- Shiite religion -
The idealism that all Eggs should die ‘sunny side down’. National religion of Fars, Baluchistan and some others. It's followers also believe that this idealism can be achieved by breeding themselves as short as possible.

Foreign Lands

- Timurid Empire/Timurids aka Monkeys -
Started as a humanoid race, slowly devolved into first cavemen and then monkeys. Later Monkeys were very stupid and susceptible to banana bribes. Annexed by the Chagataites in 1521.

- Kabul -
Pronounced ‘cable’, this Khanate broke away from the Timurids in 1469. Each inhabitant resembled Jim Carey (a la The Cable Guy). Annexed by Delhi in 1499.

- Balkh/Balkhs -
Very balky and large humanoids (a la Sumos). Broke away from the Timurids in 1469. Befriended the Chagataites and current their vassal.

- Khorasan/Flintstones -
A simplistically featured race resembling cartoon characters (a la the Flintstones). Broke away from Timurids in 1447 and again in 1469 and inherited their caveman attributes. Militarily defeated by the Chagataites in 1528 and now currently their vassal.

- Baluchistan/Oompa Loompas -
A short, orange skinned, green hair race who enjoy singing (a la Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). Broke away from the Timurids in 1451. Believers of the Shiite religion. Currently vassals of the Chagataites.

- Fars/Munchkins -
A short race who like to sing with very high pitches (a la The Wizard of Oz). Broke away from the Timurids in 1447. Believers of the Shiite religion. Currently vassals of the Chagataites.

- Mongolia/Muppets -
A state that traditionally has been dominated by another state. Hence the term Mongolian puppets was abbreviated to Muppets. Furry brightly coloured creatures who use slapstick as a form of attack (a la The Muppets).

- Manchuria/Cannibals -
Little of known of this tribe who apparently eat other tribes. They can smell their enemies from thousands of miles away if the wind is right.

- China/Terracottas -
A near infinitely large race of ceramic men. Resilient to many climates and capable of living after being buried for many years.

- Tibet/Snowmen -
Frozen men who evolved to fit into their geography of the Tibetan plateau (a la Yeti). Suited to cold climates, easily melt in the desert. Coated in terracotta and annexed by China in 1552.

- Basra/Basrans aka Walruses -
A humanoid race who ate too much ivory and turned into walruses. Annexed by Iraq in 1432.

- Kara Koyunlu/Black Sheep -
A tribe of black-headed sheep. Formerly united with Ak Koyunlu

- Ak Koyunlu/White Sheep -
A tribe of white-headed sheep. Formerly united with Kara Koyunlu. Annexed by Safavid Empire in 1536.

- Safavid Empire/Safavids -
Little is known of this tribe yet. Broke away from Kara Koyunlu in 1501.

- Ormuz/Disco Dancers -
A tribe who used their wealth to throw great parties in honour of their Sheikhs. Wrote the song “Sheikh, Sheikh, Sheikh” and have been dancing ever since.

- Uzbeks/Centaurs –
A race who suffered low manpower so much that they began breeding with horses and evolved into half-man half-horse creatures. Susceptible to hoof taxes.

- Khazak Horde/Hoarders -
A race who was obsessed with hoarding as many things as it could. They get very enthusiastic when they discover something they don’t own but are known for losing many important items in their land. Annexed by Chagataites in 1545.

- Punjab/Punjabis aka Cashmeres -
A race who place much pride in their cashmere material which formed their national dress. Annexed by Chagataites in 1504.

- Delhi/Sausages -
A race of processed meats (a la a European style Deli), factions include the Sausages and the Salamis. Devastated by internal conflicts and war, currently a vassal of Mewar.

- Crimea/Criminals -
A race built on their piracy trade in the Black Sea. Name derived from ‘crime’, known for their aggressive nature and lack of working body parts. Broke away from the Golden Horde in 1427. Currently a vassal of the Ottoman Empire.

- Austria/The Big White Blob -
A singular massive blob-like creature that engulfs its enemies whole (a la The Blob). Suffer a weakness to cold. Frozen into a cheesecake in 1459 only to reappear nearby the same year, frozen again in 1484 but thawed out and returned in 1496.

- Jaunpur –
Yet to be revealed

Other existing Khanates yet to be introduced:

- Kazan -

- Sibir -

- Astrakhan -

 

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:rofl:
if 'Sunni' comes from 'sunny side up', one begins to wonder what exactly is the idealism behind 'Shiite' religion...

Keep 'em coming Swert!

 

[The Swert]

Sorry it's been a while, it's that busy time of uni again and to be honest i'm still in the middle of it, i managed to squeeze this update through. That and i've recently acquired HOI2 and am somewhat encaptulated by it at the moment. It will probably be another 2 weeks before i can update this again if not more.

Chapter IX: Reign of Middle-Aged Abd ar-Rashid Khan

The year was 1553 and the Eggs had just suffered their greatest defeat in their history after losing four provinces to the Terracottas. Abd ar-Rashid Khan, somewhat under pressure as the first Kanga leader, although failing against China was able to take some compensation by invading and vassalising Jaunpur in an act which more over was an expression of anger over the Chinese defeat. Now though there was peace once more and after seven years of war the peace was more than welcome and allowed the Eggs to restrengthen their shells. Furthermore relations had to be reinvigorated with the Eggs vassals, after that whole missing Terracotta led to the complete collapse of the alliance. Soon after the war ended Khorasan was brought into the alliance in a move which Abd ar-Rashid Khan would prevent the Chinese from thinking about attacking the Eggs again. However the Terracottas were no lifeless stone at diplomacy either, they formed an alliance with some of their Indian neighbours in Gondwana and Mewar.

It wasn’t long before the Great Kanga thought about expansion once more. The original goal had to be striven for and that meant invading one of the remaining Khanates. The obvious candidate and only traditional rival left were the Centaurs. It had been more than 20 years since Mahmud Khan tried to overthrow the Uzbek throne. That war had seen the overcoming of Khorasan and Delhi but the Uzbeks, despite being the objective, had gotten off lightly losing only two provinces in the war. Now the Uzbeks were weak, their army was minimal after suffering through years of internal conflict as well as a war with the Western Khanates of Crimea, Astrakhan and Kazan as well as some strange land run by Turkeys. The Uzbeks also had no strategically key allies, only Sibir. The prey looked ready for the Eggs but there was just one problem. The Eggs held no legitimate hatred towards the Uzbeks; any invasion and the Chagataites would be criticised for their expansionist policy which would no doubt lead to retaliatory expansionist policy by the Terracottas and most likely set off a chain reaction of expansions that would eventually destroy the known universe. That was the Theory of Mutual Expansionist Destruction as presented by the Eggs leading social scientists anyway.

Abd ar-Rashid Khan wished to avoid such theories from being proven and decided against invading the Uzbeks. He did have another choice; down in the South, on the near side of the big blue Gulf Course that separated the Khanates from the Discoland of Ormuz, lay two Khanates that were very backwards. Well not so much backwards but rather upside-down. The Khanates of Fars and Baluchistan broke away from the Monkeys during the last century and ever since have rejected the Sunni ideology. Instead these heretics adopted the opposite the belief, that all eggs should die with the ‘sunny side down’, an ideology the Eggs labelled Shiite, a term which expressed their high disapproval. The Munchkins of Fars and the Oompa Loompas of Baluchistan had gone a step further in their ideology. Their teaching had revealed that an egg was more likely to die ‘sunny side down’ if it were very short. Accordingly, over the past century of independence the Munchkins and Oompa Loompas had undertaken a strict breeding program which saw only the shortest people being allowed to have children. The result was that by 1556 the Munchkins and Oompa Loompas had halved in size and were now dwarfed by the Eggs let alone the massive Balkhs.

An egg ‘sunny side down’, a heretical idea

The Eggs, along with the other Sunni believers, had a natural hatred towards all Shiites. Abd ar-Rashid Khan would be able to go to war with the Shiites without having to worry about the Theory of Mutual Expansionist Destruction. So in September 1556 the Chagatai Kaganate declared war on Fars and Baluchistan. Balkh joined the fight always willing to flex its muscular fat but the Flintstones wanted no part which actually wasn’t a bad decision because it created a neutral zone through which only the Eggs could travel.

In the first few months of the war the Egg Horde marched down from Samarkand and invaded Fars first, the less well defended of the two. By December the Munchkins were overwhelmed despite their attempts at high pitched musical warfare which succeeded in shattering numerous Eggs. The Munchkins made a final stand in Lut that December but could field no more than a veteran army which lacked the agility to mix with the Kangas. They were easily defeated and then the Egg Horde set about the simple but lengthy task of besieging the Munchkin cities.

The veteran Munchkins army

The Munchkins last stand

Meanwhile the Oompa Loompas were far more organised, they adapted their methodical singing into warcries and their chocolate making into a war machine. Truth be told, they had been doing that for years and their force was quite respectable for their size. In fact whilst most of the Eggs were tied up in Fars the Oompa Army crossed the border and captured Malat in 1557. New forces had to be constructed to prevent the Oompa Loompas from capturing Quetta too. The tide was quickly turned as the superior discipline that the Oompa Army had was countered by their small size. However the war soon became a relative stalemate; the Oompa Loompas took to their mountain top fortresses and the Eggs were not the best shape for rolling up hills. Still, this gave some time for the Eggs to retake Kalat.

The Oompa Army on parade

With Baluchistan now at least contained Abd ar-Rashid Khan could focus on taken those damned fortresses of the Munchkins. They certainly were a lavish tribe and spared no expense on their great palaces and forts; together with the mountainous terrain their defences were as strong as Mongolia was a hellhole. Some two years passed before both Fars and Kerman fell with some help from the Balkhs and demands could be sent to the Munchkin mayor. He signed the peace in April 1559, cheerfully as always, and Kerman was given to Balkh and the rest of Fars was vassalised. This freed up much of the Egg Horde to home in on Baluchistan. Within a month the Oompa Loompas had been cleared out of Baluchistan, their army was forced into the Kalat countryside and was finally obliterated in October.

The region after the capitulation of Fars

It was about this time, as the war against the Shiites was easing towards an inevitable total victory that the Chagataites came up with their first invention. Till now the only fabric known to the Eggs was Cashmere which came from the Punjabis. However in September 1559 some Kangas realised that their fur could be used as a garment. These Kangas soon started producing kangafur which became a hit across Asia. These entrepreneurs centred their industry in Turkmeni; the nearby Caspian Sea provided a moister, fresher fur. This kangafur industry became quite a successful goods manufactory for the Eggs for decades to follow providing Abd ar-Rashid Khan with more funds through a goods tax.

In December 1560 the last of the Oompa Loompa cities fell and total victory was achieved. The Oompa Loompas were forced to stop singing give up Mekran to Balkh, Dasht to the Eggs and become vassals of the Eggs. Abd ar-Rashid Khan didn’t plan on actually annexing either of his new Shiite vassals, the religious difference would make it difficult to ensure stability, furthermore if the Shiites did began assimilating into Sunnis it was unknown what the consequences of the intermediate state would be. A belief system in which an egg idolised dying with the ‘sunni side’ neither up nor down was a fearful concept, one that scared Abd ar-Rashid Khan even more than the Theory of Mutual Expansionist Destruction. No, the Shiites would stay Shiites and the Sunnis stay Sunnis, just as long as the Sunnis told the Shiites what to do.

The region in Dec 1560 after the surrender of Baluchistan