From the desk of the Reichskanzler:
Just a suggestion. You might want to save money for declaring yourself King of Bohemia before I can do it.
Just a suggestion.
To His Grace, the Duke of Bohemia,
His Imperial Majesty has already been anointed by the bishop of Prague as King of Bohemia, in addition to his many other titles. The Emperor would also like to emphasise that his wealth far outstrips yours. His Imperial Majesty understands that your missive was in no way implying that you might attempt to crown yourself as King of Bohemia, for such would be considered treason and extremely inadviseable. A renowned prodigy such as yourself would not be so foolish as to invoke the Emperor's ire by such a foolish attempt to grab power.
Bah, curses! I should have gone on and "helped" your marshal down some stairs. Helped him with a stick. Helping by pushing.
Ah well, I suppose I can stay in the Empire for a bit longer. And I'm happy I lasted the longest as an independent lord. And I kept my land.
Perhaps if I prove loyal, I could be given MORE land? And I won't have to help King Jame's Chancellor down the stairs, if you know what I mean?
To the Greedy and Reckless Count of Savoie,
The Emperor wishes to make clear, that if you remain loyal, he may consider allowing you to live. And then he won't have to push
you down the stairs (or stab you with a thousand sharp swords). His Majesty assumes you know what
he means.
Can I be the duke of Brandenburg or, if it isn't available, Luxembourg?
Or some obscure county?
....
To His Grace, the Duke of Brandenburg,
Welcome to the Imperial Family! We trust you shall be a loyal and faithful prince-elector, and enjoy your new castle in Berlin. If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to send a vellum scroll to our helpline castle. Your suggestions are important to us.
Hol chief!
Sorry aboot the whole rebellin' 'hing. It wiznae ma fault, though. I wiz lying pished in ma castle after celebratin' helpin' oot wi' aw they previous rebeliions an' that, an' then this bam comes in an' sez "Haw! Mate! Gonny help us? There's aw these other mad rebels ootside an' ther pure askin' fur a right guid banjoin'!" An' ah wiz like "Aye man, nay borra!" An' he wiz aw "Cheers mucker!" but pure laughin' wi' it, but ah didnae 'hink anyhing aw this ('cos ah wiz still pure bladdered man) an' ah goat all the boys togther an' wiz like "Right - lets huv a square go wi' they bastards!" an', 'cos ma lads were still hammered too, most o' them (the wans that were still staunin' that is) were aw "Let's get stuck in tae them noo boss!"
Didnae realise that that wee eagle 'hing oan that yella backgroon wiz yours, mate.
So gonny let us aff, an' that?
I 'hink that wan that gied me the idea in the furst place was one o' Shauny-boy's lot. He's still pure beelin' that I did his burd.
Just 'cos he's a chufter whit's scared o' wummin.
Cheers boss!
Duke Iain - dead loyal an' aww that!
To Iain, Duke of Meissen,
The Imperial scribes are having difficulty deciphering your letters, but it appears that your are attempting to excuse your treason by pleading drunkenness and trickery on the part of Duke von Morninsider. The Emperor would suggest that in future you spend less time procuring Buckfast tonic wine from England, and more time fighting the Emperor's true enemies.
Your use of Duke Morningsider's wife, on the other hand, while incomprehensible to His Majesty (have you seen her by candlelight?), can only be encouraged.
We Karl do applaud and and thank your most graceful and prestigious Imperial Majesty for granting us the title of Duke of Tyrol.
Yr faithful servant, H. G. Karl I von Galien und Tyrol
To His Highness, Duke Karl of Tyrol,
May the Good Lord Bless you and Keep you. May you prosper in your new holdings and stand steadfast against the machinations of your wicked neighbour, and erstwhile liege, the Duke of Swabia. The Emperor has full confidence in your ability and skill.
Please also remain vigilant against Duke Morrell of Bavaria, and guard against his treason. The Emperor remembers his loyal vassals, and rewards them handomely.
My Lord,
I hereby request the title of Swabia. I only request the title in the honour of my fallen distant Cousin Ben, who was cowardly slaughtered by archers of the former duke Shaun and the fact that if took me mutliple days to write this short letter, days that could have been spend campaigning under your command were wasted terribly. Uh... Sorry and all that.
Your Loyal Servant,
Robert I Morrell, Duke of Bavaria, Count of Kempten and Oberkempten, I think
P.S How many dukes are still in the Empire?
To Duke Robert of Bavaria,
His Majesty is concerned that the Duchy of Swabia is too important and rich to grant to any of his vassals, and would rather allow Duke Morningsider to retain it as long as he remains a guest of the Imperial Household. However, the Emperor appreciates your service, and has full confidence in your loyalty. Perhaps you could aspire to the Duchy of Tyrol, if Duke Karl proves unworthy of the honour? Please keep us informed of his actions, particularly those which appear treasonous.
Found me a Byzantine manual on letter-writing. Time to turn up the sycophancy to 11.
....
Most Excellent Duke Sejanus,
It is good to see that you continue to recognise the magnificence and benevolence of His Majesty the Emperor. Would that all the princes were as gracious as you! Your concerns about the Doge of Venice are well received. The man is an Italian and a merchant, and thus highly untrustworthy in the Emperor's eyes. Your judgement is as shrewd as ever.
We hope you found the cartographers' efforts helpful in finding your new lands.
Proposed message dictated by Count Shaun;
....
To the Traitor Duke von Morningsider,
The Emperor is unimpressed by your feeble attempts to place the blame for your misfortune upon your wife. No doubt you then welcome the opportunity to remain at His Majesty's pleasure in the guest accommodation for a few more years? You need not worry about your wife's well-being, for I hear that Duke Iain of Meissen has been a constant companion to her in your absence.
To his imperial majesty etc. Emperor James I d'Allmy, Emperor of the holy romans, King of Italy, Bohemia, Burgundy and Germany, Duke and Count of too many things that I really care to notice.
Thank you for my recent appointment as Duke of Bohemia.
I wish you best of luck with your basement scotsman, and hope you live long.
If I may, I would like you to give me the title as Duke of Moravia. I already hold those lands, and I would be very happy if you'd make it official, rather than just de facto.
And finally, I meant the count of Saluces, not the count of Monferrato. I know they're cousins, but, seriously?
Your noble subject,
Juan Michele Alberto y Cristiano y Jose Fernandez de El Even, Duke of Bohemia
and his secretary, Svatobor Micalic
PS: Please note that my secretary is a rather gossiping man who keeps writing in my letters. I hope that you will be able to see what he has written.
J. M. A. C. J. F. de El Even, Duke of Bohemia.
PPS: And who are all those persons I seem to be related to, and how can I kill them?
To His Highness Duke Juan of Bohemia,
That you wish to dispose of your family members is understandable. My own brother-in-law is something of a thorn in my side. Alas, I am afraid the church tends to frown upon such things. As to your appearance, I am afraid that, as with your hunched back, God's work, once done, cannot be unmade. Be thankful that like the late count of Monteferrato, you are not an inbred cripple.
To our somehow English Kaiser James,
hello my liege,
just want to stress that being rebellious against a vassal who hasn't been loyal in the past isn't exactly rebellion against your Imperial Angelo-Teutonic majesty. Therefore, should the chance arrive that I accidentaly betray my Duke and he should accidentaly find his way to my castle with his superiour host, can you please give me a new place to rule? My wife will go crazy if I lose my job, and she's German...
Yours truly
Count Willem van Holland-Lotharingen.
To Count Willem of Holland,
His Imperial Majesty appreciates your resistance to the treason of your liege, the Duke Gabriel, but since the aforementioned Duke is now a loyal subject of the crown, we would suggest that you cease your rebellious ways. The Kaiser cannot be held responsible for his actions against you.
If, by chance the worst should occur, perhaps something could be arranged, however. I hear the shopping in Milano is excellent - perhaps that would satisfy the wife, if not your treasury?
Bah, the imperial ethnographers can't make the difference between Dutch and Flemish... They should be executed on sight...
To Count Murmurandus,
Is it not the case then, that the Flemish like wooden shoes, and flowers and windmills and apple pancakes and.... well, that's all the ethnographers can provide us with. I fear they have not yet devised a stereotype for the inhabitants of Flanders. Perhaps you can assist in some way?
His Most Gracious, Merciful and Benevolent Majesty, Emperor James I, King of the Germans, King of Burgundy, Italy and Bohemia, Duke of Franconia, Tuscany, Ancona, Modena and Ferrara.
