SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 49 - THE KARMIC WHEEL TURNS
(1258-1264)
Thankfully for me - and Suenik - my erstwhile physician Nehilai knows exactly what to do about my pneumonia. As I sit and listen to his treatment plans, he explains that he came up with this idea many years ago when my mother was regent. He chuckles slightly as he fishes around in a box looking for the components needed to hopefully improve my (phlegmy) condition. I ask what is so funny, and he waves a hand saying that I was a child at the time, so I probably won't appreciate just how amusing and ironic what he's about to produce is. Apparently, I should just think of it as "good Armenian folk medicine."
I don't get it.
It's horrible.
But, on the other hand, it DOES seem to make me feel better.
Thankfully, my horrible condition aside, Suenik itself seems to be doing well. My ambitious plans to improve, well, EVERYTHING seems to be proceeding well.
However, as surely as the sun rises in the east, and as surely as the karmic wheel turns, great fortune in Suenik is swiftly followed by some mind numbing incompetence.
Yes - my steward only thinks to tell me about the repairs needed in the castle AFTER the invites to esteemed guests have gone out. I guess that's where the new funds are going then...
Thankfully, this swing of misfortune is followed by the most joyous news I've ever had.
I'm a father! Gadar, my little bundle of joy! My - literal! - little princess!
The dynasty is saved!
The succession is stable!
I rush into see my incredible, perfect wife. People will write about this in years to come; the fact that she came from the east - like a ray of light from the sun itself - and touched a kingdom in need with her gentle, beatific manner. They'll talk about how she advised me, how she looked after me in my time of need and, most importantly of all, how she saved a flagging lineage from potential extinction. They'll write about her beauty, her grace, her intelligence...
...and the fact that she died in childbirth.
Wait...
WHAT????
I drop to my knees, heedless of the midwives and servants around me and clutch her to my breast. I turn my tear-streaked face to the heavens and yell "OH COME ON!" at the top of my lungs.
My world is crushed.
My will is shattered.
My wife - my perfect, beautiful wife has gone; taken cruelly in her prime by an uncaring, unloving world.
Never will I again know her touch.
Never again will I hear her sweet, gentle voice.
I am alone.
I can feel the darkness closing in around me - a Stygian mantle of horror that I will wear as a mantle.
Nevertheless, I am the king of Suenik.
I must go on.
If my destiny is to share my throne with no one, then so be it. I will bear this weight solemnly and with dignity. It is mine and mine alone to carry. My people shall see me for the noble spirit I am - bowed but unbroken. They will see their king carry on in a manner that is both sorrowful, yet committed. Yes, a little bit of light has died in our realm, but I shall carry a torch for my people. I shall...
...wait.
Why is my chancellor beckoning me like that?
He's pointing to the map, specifically at the large part labelled "HERE BE MONGOLS".
Now he's drawing his finger across his throat.
How odd.
Oh, wait.
Now, he's holding his hand above his neck, and he's dropped his head to a funny angle, has let his tongue fall out of his mouth, is standing on his tip-toes and making "ACK!" noises.
Ah.
Got it.
With my wife dead, what of the non-aggression pact with the Mongols...
Well, let's have a suitable period of mourning. We can send off for another imperial bride. She won't be as perfect as my dear, departed Checheyigen, but the safety of my people is the important thing here, not my happiness.
See what I mean?
No-one will ever hold a candle to Checheyigen, my flawless angel who gave her life that another could live. Nay - who gave her life so that a DYNASTY could live.
How noble!
How selfless!
I shall never forgot her!
The flame that burns in my heart for her is a blazing inferno that none shall ever quench!
Our love shall be immortalised for eternity!
Bards shall sing of our love, and poets will compose tragic, purple verse littered with the details of our lives. The moments cherished, the love lost, the beauty sundered...
I shall...
...LOVE YOU FOREVER BULUNGHAN, YOU ARE PERFECT! NONE SHALL EVER UNSEAT THE ROARING PASSION THAT DEFINES OUR RELATIONSHIP! UNITED - AT LAST - WITH MY PERFECT SOUL MATE, FOREVER!
*ahem*
Meanwhile, in what seems to be a grand tradition for births, marriages, deaths and divorces in Suenik, wild raiders from abroad decide to descend and show their good will.
The only trouble is that their definition of "good will" is usually less about gifts, presents and well-wishing, and more about raping, pillaging and generally setting things on fire.
Being in such a good mood after spending so much time with my OH SO PERFECT WIFE I chow down on some burnt cat to keep the pneumonia at bay and lead my men out to put the horse folks to the sword.
This becomes a feature over the next decade or so. No matter how many I kill they just keep springing back up. Like the heads of an intently annoying and slightly horsey hydra. At least when the Mongols come they come in force...
Did I tell you that my wonderful, astounding wife is a Mongol? She's truly incredible.
Unfortunately, we have another turn of the karmic wheel. As we are winding up our battle against the raiders, one of my commanders comes to me in tears. At first I mistake this for trauma, and go to embrace him, but then it appears that he has been trying really, REALLY hard to refrain from bursting into a weeping, sobbing fit of giggles. I ask why and, amid a wheezing, gasping fit that makes me think that he might, at any moment, have a stroke, he manages to convey that my erstwhile physician Nehilai, whilst amazing at manufacturing medical supplies out of recently barbecued felines, also happens to embody that ineptitude so typical of Suenikians when it coems to warfare.
It's tragic, but also highly comic at the same time. I let my men see my weep. It does a lot to humanise me in their eyes. I just don't tell them the tears are tears of laughter.
When we return home, I send forth the messengers to fetch a new physician. Given some of the cranks Suenik has seen in the past, I am pleasantly surprised by the leading candidate.
I'm also extra specially pleased when he gives me the once over and declares me fit and healthy once more!
It's probably the overwhelming, smothering love that I'm feeling at the moment that's helped me.
To celebrate, I do two things. Firstly, I deal with someone who has been plotting my demise in the most peaceful, humane way I know how...
And secondly, deciding that nothing says "I'm here and I intend to make things happen!" like a ruddy great set of armour set with precious metals and jewels, I commission a "well done; you beat pneumonia" present for myself.
Master Vachagan proves not only to be a master craftsman, but also extremely keen to pass on some of his knowledge to my daughter.
Which would be fine, but she's er...barely three years old, so I'm not sure quite what she's learning.
In fact, it appears that asking a tiny child to stoke the bellows in the forge isn't exactly top-notch health and safety...
Thankfully, master Vachagan more than redeems himself with the quality of his work and I don't have to reopen the piraña pools! I will truly bring glory to the realm the next time ride into battle against the horse lords! My glittering presence will fill my enemies with awe, the same way that I am when I gaze upon my radiant and beautiful wife.
Fun fact, about a minute after receiving my armour, I received a "Your lands are being pillaged by random barbarians who haven't yet got the message that you're going to slaughter them horribly..." Never have I been so happy to ride into battle!
Battle isn't the only way I bring glory upon the house of Gradman-Agbhania though. Remember the book that I started working on? Well, a few months it is finally finished! All those feverish hours spent in study and isolation, with only ink, parchment and an army of scribes for company have paid off!
I do, however, make a mental note to have words with the illiterate fool who put the title together as they clearly don't understand basic principles of grammar. Is this book about a single person???
Flush with pride, I order my masons to stick a great big tower on top of the necropolis. I intend to announce the publication of my groundbreaking work of historical genius as I literally stand on the backs of my ancestors that made this whole thing possible. And no, by "made this whole thing possible" I don't mean "died in rapid succession".
Things are going well.
Under my wise stewardship, the realm is flourishing...
...my council love me...
and my dear little daughter - the future queen of this land - is just a complete delight to be around!
I treasure my time with her, and just lose myself in the simple joy of play. She'll have plenty to worry about when she is older - for now let her run and laugh...just don't go lifting heavy things in the forge again!
However, by far the most important piece of good news I've received, is that the people have come to realise that I am not some malingering, arbitrary tyrant, prone to fits of pique and who regards their lives as worthless trinkets to be thrown away on a whim.
No.
They KNOW they can rely on me for peace, justice and security.
Life is good.
Will life remain good? Will the karmic wheel turn (again)? Why are the council not routinely trying to murder each other? Find out on the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!
