The Broken Gates

[Chac1]

Interesting to get insights into the writing. I like the narrative side-comments technique.

But I hate to be too critical. Thought a bit before writing what follows but felt I should include these items. I think, Chosenpai may have been fatigued by her flight or perhaps it is flight lag, but there are one or two sections with missing words plus the lead paragraph has a grammatical issue at the end. As for the run-on, I thought it was making the point plus it works with the ellipses. In effect, the ellipses break it up into phrases.

 

[jak7139]

The Norse archers were having very bad luck today.

"In my experience there's no such thing as luck." Sounds like Aisling and Coirpre are helping out.

something you might call the shadow of eternal life.

If only he knew...Aisling knows quite a bit about eternal life.

“Twelve of them cannot stand against Jarl Ylva’s army, let alone the host Duke Caradog is bringing here. If there is treachery, we can guard against it. I say open the gate.”

Twelve men with MG's and drones...if they get a base (like Ulster Castle) they'll be impossible to dislodge with anything the Irish or Norse have.

 

[The Kingmaker]

Well. The future people have arrived. Things just got real.

There was one detail that caught my eye... why on earth does Dermot have a court wet nurse? Either he's planning on getting frisky with Aisling very soon, or CK3's one-size-fits-all system is inefficient and illogical. (Por que no los dos?)

 

[Macavity116]

The Norse may as well line up with heads on the curb already if the Olinbari aren't lying.

The next chapter is going to be fun!

I think, Chosenpai may have been fatigued by her flight or perhaps it is flight lag, but there are one or two sections with missing words plus the lead paragraph has a grammatical issue at the end.

A jet-lagged beta reader might just become my go-to handwaive for my idiosyncratic editing mistakes. XP Even when I read my chapters aloud, I still miss things like wrong nouns and missing words. I do not have a future as an editor in my future.

I'd normally go back and edit that error, but considering what's up ahead, I might allow that improper noun to stand for maximum immersion. Maybe I'll edit the chapter and have Chosenpai spot it instead.

Twelve men with MG's and drones...if they get a base (like Ulster Castle) they'll be impossible to dislodge with anything the Irish or Norse have.

Don't forget, they've got radios too. Recon Team 15 can get reinforcements a lot faster than Dermot can.

There was one detail that caught my eye... why on earth does Dermot have a court wet nurse? Either he's planning on getting frisky with Aisling very soon, or CK3's one-size-fits-all system is inefficient and illogical.

As far as I can tell, the wet nurse was employed by Dermot's father for Maudhnait. (Dermot's sister and rival) She is 11 years old at this point.

However, I will not rule out PDX being positively silly in their game design as is known to happen once in a while.

 

[Macavity116]

I think, Chosenpai may have been fatigued by her flight or perhaps it is flight lag, but there are one or two sections with missing words plus the lead paragraph has a grammatical issue at the end.

Maybe I'll edit the chapter and have Chosenpai spot it instead.

Some people sleep at night. I know a Filipina who stays up late to read comments and demand edits after the chapter went up. Minor edits to Chapter 4 are now live.

 

[Chac1]

Some people sleep at night. I know a Filipina who stays up late to read comments and demand edits after the chapter went up. Minor edits to Chapter 4 are now live.

I suppose I am now the beta reader for the beta reader. I won't try to do the math. (Thanks for the updates, though.)
Please wish her well and I'm sorry I may have awakened her.

 

[The Kingmaker]

I suppose I am now the beta reader for the beta reader. I won't try to do the math. (Thanks for the updates, though.)
Please wish her well and I'm sorry I may have awakened her.

Does that make you a gamma reader?

 

[Chac1]

Does that make you a gamma reader?

I definitely rank no higher than gamma (as I said, others can do the math). Likely delta or lower.

 

[Midnite Duke]

I think Chosenpai and her alter ego, @Chac1 are my favorite characters. A love between a mortal and an immortal might be the most unfair. Thanks

 

[Chac1]

I think Chosenpai and her alter ego, @Chac1 are my favorite characters. A love between a mortal and an immortal might be the most unfair. Thanks

Thanks @Midnite Duke for the promotion. I'd be honored to be her alter ego.
@Macavity116 is that breaking the Fourth Wall in reverse? Could a delta-grade (or lower) reader get sucked into the story-scape? I suppose it has happened before given the experience of @HistoryDude .
Well, @Midnite Duke you did get it right: I am a character one way or another, even if I am not in a @Macavity116 story.

 

[Macavity116]

A love between a mortal and an immortal might be the most unfair.

True, but what about a romance between a god and his own creation? That one is in the pipeline for a distant future chapter of The Broken Gates. Probably somewhere in the late twenties as the plan currently stands.

@Macavity116 is that breaking the Fourth Wall in reverse? Could a delta-grade (or lower) reader get sucked into the story-scape? I suppose it has happened before given the experience of @HistoryDude .

Well, a YouTube-only fan recently alerted me to the existence of a movie called The Neverending Story. There are a few similarities between that movie and what I was setting up in Song of the Solitaire. Pulling a reader into the story itself is a very trippy concept, and it opens up a completely different library of storytelling possibilities from my own "pull a fictional character into the real world" idea.

Honesty, pulling someone like Marisol/Chosenpai into the world of the story could be a full-length story on its own.

 

[The Kingmaker]

I saw The Neverending Story in theaters (although admittedly it was a couple of years after its initial release). I think it’s funny that you talk about discovering that forty-year-old movie like I would talk about discovering, say, Spartacus (1960) with Kirk Douglas. Guess I’m old.

 

[Midnite Duke]

True, but what about a romance between a god and his own creation? That one is in the pipeline for a distant future chapter of The Broken Gates. Probably somewhere in the late twenties as the plan currently stands.

Having a romance with one's creation just seems wrong. Dr. Frankenstein romancing the monster is wrong. A GOD romancing its creation is like a parent/child relationship to the nth degree.

 

[Massinissa the Wise]

Hello! Fairly new here, but I'm here to say this story has caught my interest. One of my favourite writers, Macavity, trying out a CK3 AAR... I just needed to follow it live! Happy to join on the ride.

But what a mind-boggling story this is. The "normal" part of this AAR dropped as soon as the immortal Sidhe were introduced. Add to that the invasion of extraterrestrial characters from another story, the meta-critique of a person who might or might not be real, and the meta-meta-critique of @Chac1 . I'm getting dizzy, and this is only chapter 4!

So Dermot is intent on remaining unmarried for the foreseen future? That might prove very risky in the dangerous world that is Crusader Kings. I hope the romance with Aisling gets on quickly before anything unfortunate happens

 

[Macavity116]

I saw The Neverending Story in theaters

That must have been quite the experience. The Neverending Story was already an intense movie. I could see certain scenes traumatizing little kids.

Not the horse! Why the horse!?

Having a romance with one's creation just seems wrong. Dr. Frankenstein romancing the monster is wrong. A GOD romancing its creation is like a parent/child relationship to the nth degree.

Oh yes... I am definitely saving this comment for when this story gets to the part where [REDACTED DUE TO MAJOR SPOILERS] I need to have a certain character say this aloud.

Hello! Fairly new here, but I'm here to say this story has caught my interest.

Welcome aboard! You've taken your first step into a very large world.

I'm getting dizzy, and this is only chapter 4!

Fasten your seatbelt. This is a rollercoaster!

So Dermot is intent on remaining unmarried for the foreseen future? That might prove very risky in the dangerous world that is Crusader Kings. I hope the romance with Aisling gets on quickly before anything unfortunate happens

Dermot is not averse to romance or getting married. He is also aware of the fact that nobles are generally expected to marry young. His mother/guardian/Regent, Princess Aileann, is intentionally dragging her feet on the subject, she is not seeking out any marriage candidates for Dermot. (a slight foreshadowing of the possibility that she might be plotting against him, she's even been called out by the Bishop for it at this point) This detail will most likely come to a head when Dermot comes of age and is recognized as an adult, an event that is much closer at hand than Princess Aileann prefers.

 

[Chac1]

As usual... so much going on here... even between chapters!

Hello! Fairly new here, but I'm here to say this story has caught my interest. One of my favourite writers, Macavity, trying out a CK3 AAR... I just needed to follow it live! Happy to join on the ride.

I would like to echo the welcomes of our good host @Macavity116 . Welcome back to these realms. Hoping that this and other stories will keep you around.

But what a mind-boggling story this is. The "normal" part of this AAR dropped as soon as the immortal Sidhe were introduced. Add to that the invasion of extraterrestrial characters from another story, the meta-critique of a person who might or might not be real, and the meta-meta-critique of @Chac1 . I'm getting dizzy, and this is only chapter 4!

Thank you for the promotion. I suppose my title is now the unofficial Delta-grade Meta-Meta Critiquer. (Does that mean I'm from the Delta Quadrant? Oh, I should have never let that thought out. That's a different dimension and another part of the multiverse.) Thank you for that @Massinissa the Wise . I'm not sure I have a hat big enough for that title but I will rummage around in the closet to find one.

I do not have a future as an editor in my future.

Now that my Delta-grade Meta-Meta hat is affixed... I suppose that Chosenpai doesn't edit the comments written by @Macavity116 .

I'd normally go back and edit that error, but considering what's up ahead, I might allow that improper noun to stand for maximum immersion. Maybe I'll edit the chapter and have Chosenpai spot it instead.

I like how Chosenpai handled that for you. Nice retouch.

Honesty, pulling someone like Marisol/Chosenpai into the world of the story could be a full-length story on its own.

I think you have an idea for your next sequel, or another in your universe of sequels.

Having a romance with one's creation just seems wrong. Dr. Frankenstein romancing the monster is wrong. A GOD romancing its creation is like a parent/child relationship to the nth degree.

Must agree here with the cautions of @Midnite Duke .

Oh yes... I am definitely saving this comment for when this story gets to the part where [REDACTED DUE TO MAJOR SPOILERS] I need to have a certain character say this aloud.

Don't do it @Macavity116 ! Don't go over that line and off the cliff! Of course, you are going to run right up to it but don't spell out your own doom and seal your fate. (How many other cliches can I jam into this comment?)

Oh well, I could list more and comment more, but all those cliches sapped my energy. Now I know how Aisling feels.

 

[The Kingmaker]

@Chac1: I think your new title has got to be "the Delta Flyer."

 

[Macavity116]

@Chac1 I think your new title has got to be "the Delta Flyer."

My love of Star Trek Voyager might cause me to start referring to @Chac1 as "Tom Paris" were that to happen.

 

[Chac1]

@Chac1: I think your new title has got to be "the Delta Flyer."

Thanks for that @The Kingmaker . Shorter may be best in that regard.

But I hope @Macavity116 realizes the alchemy of our recent comments has opened an astral rift that was never intended....

​

 

[CBR JGWRR]

It wouldn't be the first time an Olinbar has quoted a Ferengi.