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It would hardly remain mysterious if I told you straight away.
OK so I've not played the game for a bit to try and catch up, but i decided to play through all of 1937 to see where the next bit is going and so I can at least try to figure out what's going on.
There is a moment in the next few months where my mouth dropped open in suprise. I genuinely did not know what happened happened. When we get to it, I'll be interested to see if anyone can explain how it happened without something I thought would stop it happening stopping it.
Then in early December 1937, something happened that no one is going to believe I did not hack into the game and rewrite, due to both how stupid it is and how the game specifically phrases what happens.
I can't wait to get to this stuff but just thought I'd leave this here now because...I just can't believe what this run has devolved into.
EDIT: I JUST REMEBERED another thing! This one weird because it hasn't actually resulted in anything yet and might never do, but is profoundly strange anyway. Stanley Baldwin finally caught the mind plague and got brought down to the rest of the world's level.
For very long time readers, this game run has officially become more cursed than the eventually murdered Lancaster CK2 run, a run so infamously broken and awful that it died multiple times and resulted in a polar bear ruling north Wales for a little bit.
There is a moment in the next few months where my mouth dropped open in suprise. I genuinely did not know what happened happened. When we get to it, I'll be interested to see if anyone can explain how it happened without something I thought would stop it happening stopping it.
Then in early December 1937, something happened that no one is going to believe I did not hack into the game and rewrite, due to both how stupid it is and how the game specifically phrases what happens.
I can't wait to get to this stuff but just thought I'd leave this here now because...I just can't believe what this run has devolved into.
EDIT: I JUST REMEBERED another thing! This one weird because it hasn't actually resulted in anything yet and might never do, but is profoundly strange anyway. Stanley Baldwin finally caught the mind plague and got brought down to the rest of the world's level.
For very long time readers, this game run has officially become more cursed than the eventually murdered Lancaster CK2 run, a run so infamously broken and awful that it died multiple times and resulted in a polar bear ruling north Wales for a little bit.
- 3
The truth can now be revealed.
That we were both writing about wars in Sinkiang involving the Soviets at the same time, even by the standards of HOI AARs it is a bit of a niche subject.
Ahh....indeed, interesting. And niche. But when one has an Alan, there is no such thing as too niche.
Sinkiang is a pretty fascinating place, and will feature in TBTM as well due to all the British chicanery and mandarins about. Alas, for Imperial Cheese, their involvement will be brief. Lots of communists coming though. Some expected...some...not.
It's always fun when the game throws unexpected stuff at the player, but it sounds like 1937 goes well beyond plausibility.
Cheesolini's melancholy at this insane world (and his "normal" Italy) is only going to increase.
Cheesolini's melancholy at this insane world (and his "normal" Italy) is only going to increase.
It's funny. So many strange things happened in 1937 that by the time i finished in early 1938, I'd forgotten one of the mildly strange decisions a country made in 1936 (already discussed in the AAR) that meant I'd accidentally made a war harder/more complicated.
Chapter 12: Constant Interference and Infighting
Chapter 12: Constant Interference and Infighting
20th January 1937
20th January 1937
Sufficiently recovered from the New Years Bash and Subsequent Slumber Party of Delights, the Cheese Team gather in the Imperial Map Room to discuss the latest lunacy of daft foreigners.
“Mighty Cheesare?”
“Yes Alan?”
“Why do we have ‘Imperial’ anything, anymore? We aren’t an empire.”
“Non-Existent Ethiopia is though, and the old King of Italy is Emperor of it, and we are tangentially connected.”
“Does that make you king, given you replaced him as head of state for Italy?”
“Eh,” Beancounter shrugged, interjecting, “No one really cares. For all practical purposes, the status quo remains, it’s just that we now definitely theoretically outrank the Grand Council of Fascism, as well as in practice.”
“Who knew that taking over the Ministry of Education would be the final piece,” Cheesolini mused. “By the way Beancounter, that was a delightful touch adding a tiny pure gold laurel wreath to my miniature. Thank you very much.”
“You are welcome, Mighty Cheesare.” The bureaucrat par excellence bowed and returned to the business of government. “With absolute power now ours, we can fully focus on pushing our domestic strategy and keeping watch on foreign affairs.”
“Italy First, as ever,” Cheesolini ordered.
“Just so,” Beancounter nodded. “Well, we have improved machine tool usage. We can now actually build and use efficiently designed turret lathes for manufacturing. This brings us up to date with European manufacturing standards of, depending on how you count things, 1845 or 1873.”
“Splendid. We’re catching up,” Cheesolini cheered. “What about the situation abroad?”
Catastrophe perked up. “In regard to Spain, it is business as usual. The Republicans are now massacring the Nationalists 3 to 1 in terms of casualties and have collapsed the east flank of the northern front. The end of the war is within sight, though probably not for a few more months. I would recommend we get our forces out sooner rather than later.”
“Bugger, I’ve just pushed through measures to get more forces sent out…” Cheesolini said, “Oh well…what’s everyone else doing?”
“Lithuania continues to descend into civil war. The rightful government, helmed by the inscrutable LTS party, has the advantage of prior German investment in industry, the support of a good chunk of the armed forces and the establishment, and sea access. They’re headed up by Antanas Smetona. In opposition is the Soviet faction led by the LKP, chaired by Comrade Antanas Snieckus. They also have land that got prior German investment, as well as Stalin’s backing and secure borders.”
Cheesolini turned to Alan, who recited thus:
“Smetona is…complicated. First President of Lithuania in 1919, arch-Germophile, nationalist and current President-dictator. Re-wrote the constitution following a coup in 1926 to give the president a lot more power, eventually dissolving parliament and ruling alone. Uses communism as an excuse for his powers, and went down pretty hard on them, culminating in this war. For whatever reason, seems to get on quite well with Lithuanian jews and does not suffer antisemitism in his government or in the country at large. His party, the LTS, dominates the country…or it did before all this.”
“And the communists?”
“Went underground following 1926, but are genuinely home-grown, albeit now with a lot of Soviet backing. Their leader Snieckus has been in and out of Lithuanian prisons for some time, with the Soviets typically bailing him out. He’s obviously returned with guns this time round. The LKP are Lithuanian communists, but who knows how much autonomy or freedom Stalin will allow this group to have if they do manage to take over Lithuania.”
“Will they?”
Catastrophe nodded. “With Germany licking their wounds, Stalin can do as he pleases in the Baltics and knows it. So I would not be surprised to see actual red army divisions ‘helping’ their brother communists out. And as Lithuania connects the three Baltic states to the rest of Europe, taking out them means Latvia and Estonia are far more vulnerable.”
Cheesolini grimaced. “Man, Germany taking itself out immediately in 1936 really buggers Eastern Europe up, doesn’t it?”
…
5th February 1937
“Somewhat confusing news, Mighty Cheesare!”
Cheesolini sighed, took off his glasses, and wondered if he’d ever be able to finish his jigsaw puzzles. “Yes Alan?”
“Ataturk appears to have vanished. Turkey is now ruled by President Adnan Menderes after a special secret election no one was told about.”
“Now that is odd news. You’d think that would make the international press. Who’s this Menderes chap?”
“A Tatar from Crimea. Lawyer, solider, briefly leader of the equally brief Liberal Republican Party. Invited personally by Ataturk to join the actual Republican party, then rose the ranks. Clearly, he won the power struggle between the expected heir apparent Mustafa Inonu and other higher ups in the party, and is now…for whatever reason, president of the Republic.”
“A strange and unexpected shift in government leading to more democracy and a stable republic…will wonders never cease, Alan?”
“News also from Estonia.”
“More communist uprisings?”
“No sire, a fascist one. Artur Sirk was a long-time opponent of the Estonian government, attempted an armed uprising late last year but was discovered and fled to Luxembourg. Clearly, he has returned to take over the country somehow.”
“Any chance of that?”
“None. He’s outnumbered, outgunned and out of position. Even if he did somehow win, Stalin could just use the opportunity to annex Estonia.”
“Terrific. Anything else of note?”
“Yemen lost a lot of ground to Arabia recently. Their capital city is now on the frontlines. That war might be over soon."
"The Ma Clique," he continued, "are also beginning to struggle against three opponents. They did well alone against Sinkiang and are in fact still advancing there, but the Communists of the east and the Shanxi warlords are making steady progress. It’s going to be a ghastly mess if Ma manages to take down Sinkiang before falling to a mix of communist and Shanxi forces…who then must split the loot or fight it out amongst themselves. All with the Soviets also hovering in the north.”
“Stalin’s got his work cut out for him. Several border wars at opposite ends of the Soviet Union.”
“Indeed. And if you recall Mighty Cheesare, he has not yet fully established absolute authority himself, like last time.”
“Alan, last time he killed half of his high command and a bunch of important party members, gutting the chain of command and sending Russia into chaos for years. What are the chances he’s paranoid enough to do that again, with multiple wars to deal with?”
…
21st February 1937
Across Europe, people were glued to their radio sets. The King of Denmark was announcing in so many words that his kingdom was now at war with the great communist menace of Norway.
Also, a manufacturing error had caused a strong adhesive to be mixed with the case lining.
“Didn’t think he had the minerals,” Cheesolini mused to the room, as everyone lounged around listening to yet another war break out. “What are their chances of success, General?”
Catastrophe stretched, then reached over the back of his wingback chair to the table of maps. “On paper, they don’t have much of a chance, Mighty Cheesare. Even counting the mostly-destroyed Free Norway in the high north, Denmark is outnumbered by the Red Norwegian Army. Then again, most of the latter’s forces are in the north, and thus badly out of position. If the Danish navy can brave the straits and land a proper force near Oslo…things become a lot more even.”
“Can they do it?”
“Their fleet is small, but so is Norway’s of course. The journey would not be particularly long, and there are three potential landing ports directly across from Jutland. I’d say they have better than even odds. Then they’ll fight and wipe out whatever the small holding forces there are and try to fortify up as much of the country as they can before the Reds come back down south.”
“Which they might not do until they’ve fully clobbered the native Norwegian resistance out. Very well,” Cheesolini yawned and drank from his mug of cocoa moo. “What of Spain? Last I heard the Nationalists are on the run.”
“They remain running, sire. Catalonia and the Basque are now basically fully under Republican control, and they are rolling up the frontline.”
“Game over, then?”
Beancounter coughed. “Perhaps not. That region, as you all know gentlemen, is fraught and complex at the best of times. Neither side is particularly popular with the people there, and a lot of guns have been left lying around.”
“You suggest a third faction could arise?”
“At the very least, a large annoyance might, for both sides.”
"What of our own plans for the Balkans?"
"Literally everyone who could get involved is otherwise occupied except the Balkan powers themselves, and we have already proven we can defeat them in another time and place," Catastrophe shrugged. "If it comes down to it, we can fight them all at the same time."
The intrigue was interrupted by a messenger bursting through the doors.
“What is it, Flunky Monkey?”
“Ook,” said the ape.
“He’s a chimp, Mighty Cheesare. Big difference,” Alan whispered.
“I do apologise,” Cheesolini said, red faced. “How insulting of me. Have a banana.”
“Ook,” said the ape.
“What’s the message,” Catastrophe said, trying to ignore the monkey…ape…butler.
Cheesolini glanced over it, then re-read it with a frown.
“You know how we all got confused over China fighting China?”
“Yes?” Catastrophe said, reaching for something stronger than cocoa moo.
“The Soviet Union has declared war on the Soviet Union.”
The General bypassed the alcohol entirely and went straight for the paint thinner.
- 2
So Stalin won't be doing any major purges.
That's the right opposition flag, right? Which leader do they have, Bukharin or Rykov?
That's the right opposition flag, right? Which leader do they have, Bukharin or Rykov?
Well, it's stalin, so he could still try. This civil war is essentially one massive purge gone wrong/right, depending on how you look at it.
The mighty Turret Lathe - "He Says it should have been over long ago but they're building so dammed many Turret Lathes" - NARA - 534383.jpg - link not picture for background flag related reasons.
A Soviet Civil War, quite possibly caused by Stalin not purging enough (from my vague understanding of the HOI4 paranoia mechanic). One can only assume they were feeling left out, while those states on the border breath a massive sigh of relief.
Ah, if we're on comedy images, here's why Germany crumbled as soon as Mussolini died (replaced by Cheesolini)
(Something about a lost boot)
(Something about a lost boot)
Extremely useful things turret lathes. Glad Italy finally has some...
Seems to be how that works. Either Stalin was too overzealous too quickly or not nearly enough. Either way works well with the initial sketch of him (in this timeline) being so insane that he takes orders from his teddy bear.
Genuinely not sure who will win this one. As we'll see in just a moment, one side has all the men, and the other all the industry.
Hitler was doomed as soon as the soft underbelly of Europe became mature cheddar hard.
- 1
Chapter 13: The Reds are on the March
Chapter 13: The Reds are on the March
1st March 1937
1st March 1937
Suffice to say, the next week was fairly busy.
Christian X looked out onto a dreary, rain-swept square as various administrators and civil servants quietly worked and discussed business behind him.
“We’ll have the first shipment of guns out to you within the next few days,” Cheesolini reassured him. “Battle tested in Ethiopia, so they might have a bit of sand in them.”
“We shall make do,” the King said dryly. “Thank you for your nation’s support in the League of Nations.”
Cheesolini shrugged. “I don’t think anyone had much of an issue with a fight against any communist nation, especially one so close to Western Europe. Expect some under the table offers of help and support to come from the UK at some point, once they figure out what their position is.” He presented the King with a bottle. “Congratulations on the successful landings, by the way.”
“We were fortunate…and the Norwegians less so,” Christian waved away the bottle. “As our navy sailed north, so did theirs. We landed unopposed…and they brought in troops behind the loyalist lines.”
“Ah,” Cheesolini grimaced. “So the writing is on the wall for them.”
“It seems that way,” the King replied gloomily. “We have a good beachhead and are on the way to the capital but with their army in the north anyway, it hardly matters. It is mere symbolism.”
“Nationalism is built on symbolism. And silly walks. Take advantage of both as much as you can.”
The King grunted. “What have your spies uncovered about Russia?”
“The Soviet Union is facing a civil war between the Stalinists and a large splinter group calling themselves the SSSR. The latter command an extensive army of men and manpower, but the former of course have all the powers of the grand communist state, the factories, the infrastructure…etcetera etcetera.”
Christian nodded, somewhat relieved his own war efforts would not be immediately halted by a Soviet juggernaut. “Who leads the SSSR?”
Cheesolini snapped his fingers.
“Aleksey Rykov, a very prominent Bolshevik. He was the Premier of Russia and the Soviet Union as a whole for six years. One of Lenin’s more respected allies, he took part in basically every revolution and civil disturbance Russia had after 1900. He was elected alongside Lev Kamenev to serve as Lenin’s deputies after his strokes, Rykov eventually succeeding him after his death. Something of a political and administrative genius, and a committed socialist, though a moderate one compared to most Bolsheviks, ironically. A big supporter of Stalin against all comers, until 1927 when Stalin had won and most of his real opponents were expelled from the party and government. At that point, Stalin turned his gaze to the moderates…who were repeatedly sidelined throughout the 30s and now, it seems, have finally become too annoying to live.”
“Thanks Alan,” Cheesolini said, patting the fellow on the head. “Never leave the house without him,” he explained to the King.
“So…” Christian frowned in thought, “who do we want to win?”
“The Soviet Civil War?” Cheesolini paused. “Preferably…no one. Let them kill each other forever, so far as I am concerned. There are far too many communists in Europe as it is, them funding more is just making everything worse.”
“I’ll drink to that, at least,” the King said, finally accepting a glass. “What will happen next?”
“The Stalinists and Rykovists are rising up all over the place at the moment. Small scale squads and riots around the Union are no trouble for Stalin to destroy for easy victories, but the main rebellion east of the Caspian Sea is far more dangerous. They have the army and the men, Stalin has land, and time. After some time with both sides consolidating their positions, the SSSR must attempt to strike out and reach the west, and the industrial heartlands. If Stalin can keep them where they are now, they’ll die there. In either case, this looks to be a return to the chaos of the early 20s, for at least a few years to come unless one side really cocks up.”
“Stalin seems to be in control and have some form of plan. This European Combine business is clearly him ordering the rest of the world’s socialists to pick him. It also presumably means all his agents and soldiers in the Baltic are being withdrawn to defend the Motherland.”
“Good news for you,” Cheesolini toasted.
“Indeed. If…” the King paused, and then continued, “when Norway falls completely to the communists, then we shall fight them alone…but they shall fight us alone also. No one will be coming to save them.”
“I wish you luck,” Cheesolini said, as the rumbling of thunder grew closer and closer to the city. “These are dark times indeed.”
…
31st March 1937
Rome was at least a little bit warmer than Copenhagen, and whilst the Great Leader had been relatively melancholic as of late, his general sunny disposition tended to win out in the end.
“More yoghurt!” He ordered. “And send some more men to the AOI. I like doing that.”
“Better than being here, I suppose,” Catastrophe muttered quietly, scribbling the orders down in his notebook. “I’ll let Beancounter know you want to do some more region-wide industrial integration as well, Mighty Cheesare.”
“Excellent!” Cheesolini clapped. “Always seems to make things better, doing that. Not sure why. Anyway,” he tailed off in a daze, before snapping back to attention. “Alan!”
“Yes, Mighty Cheesare?”
“Have we researched how to tell Albania to surrender without a fight yet?”
“Not yet, Mighty Cheesare. There is a delicate art to the writing of strongly worded letters, so I am given to understand.”
“Fine,” Cheesolini waved him off. “General, let Field Marshal Graziani know he’s really good at organising things now.”
“He…already was, Mighty Cheesare.”
“Well, now he’s better. Chop, chop!”
“Please give him something to do,” Catastrophe murmured to Beancounter as they passed each other in the doorway.
“Mighty Cheesare?”
“ARGH!” Cheesolini leapt into the air and onto the curtain rail. “Beancounter? Damn your silent tread and ninja ways. I thought you were a communist assassin.”
“…why?”
Cheesolini raised his head to the ceiling in thought. “I don’t have a good reason as to why.” He released his sloth grip and fell to the ground in a thud. “You have something for me?”
“Indeed, Mighty Cheesare. Whilst we cannot yet send a strongly worded letter to Albania, my smarter monkeys have developed such a missive that could well work against Yugoslavia.”
“What…all of it?”
“Yes indeed, Mighty Cheesare. If you would just sign…?”
The Great Leader did so, and then was distracted by some dust motes dancing through the air.
“Are they really going to fall for this?” Alan whispered to Beancounter.
“If they don’t, we’ll kill them all anyway. Why die on your feet when you can serve on your back?”
…
Sure enough, 14 working days later…
…
Sure enough, 14 working days later…
…
“Wow,” Cheesolini said, as the map was painted in, and various high fives were dished out around the table.
“That was easy!”
- 3
Watch as in the 'historical' run, Albania ends up refusing to be annexed or something like that.
- 1
Mussolini as Sloth is an unusual characterisation. But then this is a world where Yugoslavia, that famed bastion of rationality and common sense, has surrendered to a sharply worded Italian letter. So who is to say what unusual really means in this reality?
Next chapter underlines how...unusual...this takeover was. I mean, in game terms we fully control this puppet now and can do as we please with it (and I do), but the details are...interesting, to say the least.
I hope Denmark wins, just so you can continue using Christian as a character. Cheesolini seems to be acting very...strange. Even stranger than usual. Should we be worried about his health?
Chapter 14: Bumper Balkan Rollover (Ask and Ye Shall Receive)
Chapter 14: Bumper Balkan Rollover (Ask and Ye Shall Receive)
15th April 1937
15th April 1937
Suffice to say, the next week was fairly busy.
“We’re starting with that sentence again?”
“Why not, it’s true.”
Cheesolini huffed at the lazy writing and sat back down with a splash to discuss Italian Yugoslavia.
“So…what has changed?”
“Surprisingly little, Mighty Cheesare. The Yugoslavian prime minister and ruling party are the same, Milan Stojadinovic and the JRZ…that is, the Radical Union. Far-right nationalists, apparently all too willing to sell the country they already ruled over to us provided that we don’t invade and let them keep their jobs.”
“Pfft…what a bunch of pussies,” Cheesolini scoffed at Alan. “What’s their deal then?”
“Survival, so it seems. Milan Stojadinovic is an anti-monarchist duly appointed by the Regent to the PM role two years ago because he’s capable and the country needed to get out of the Great Depression. To that end, the state owned basically everything valuable in the kingdom, and thus the PM actually had quite a bit to work with. He also used it to get his own party a lo of power…though it’s not a ‘real’ fascist mass movement. More typical Balkan oligarchy and cronyism/patronage. He’s remained a political realist in foreign diplomacy too. The two big threats to Yugoslavia, aside from itself, is Germany and Italy, so he tried so far as possible to make friends with both, at the expense of France. It seemed to be working, though the bastard did observe League sanctions against us.”
“Will he be okay working with us long term, then?” Cheesolini asked, curiously.
“I have no idea. It makes little sense as to why they agreed to this deal in the first place, and even less sense that we agreed to keep them in charge. I mean, our ultimate plan of proclaiming Greater Italy and getting full cores and annexing the entire Balkans is obviously going to stick in his craw but up to that point, we should be ok. And afterwards, who cares? We can always balkanise Yugoslavia up into constituent parts before the final annexation if that works better.”
“Alright Alan, thanks. What cores do we have at the moment?”
“The entire dalmatian coast, and bits of Slovenia. We can take them now, possibly feed them back to a puppet at some point if it suits?”
“Make it so.”
“At once, Mighty Cheesare. Where are we going next?”
“Move the army over to the Bulgarian border. We’re going to have to fight them this time, and it shouldn’t be too difficult. Then we’ll conquer Greece as well and carve up the Balkans into new puppets. How’s Albania looking?”
“They’ve somehow managed to snatch Montenegro off Yugoslavia as we took over.”
“The cunning weasels. Tell them to give it back at once!”
“They said no.”
“What? They can’t do that!”
“They just did…sire.”
“Beancounter!” Cheesolini roared. “How’s that strongly worded letter coming along?”
“Alas, Mighty Cheesare, the letter shall not be ready for another twenty-one days.”
“Damnit!” Cheesolini fumed. “Well, what have you accomplished then?”
“That industrial program you randomly demanded a while ago. It’s complete.”
“Ah,” Cheesolini said, suddenly cheerful. “Excellent, excellent. Any other news?”
“Um,” everyone shuffled through their notes and newspapers.
“There’s an attempted coup in Mexico?” Catastrophe said after a while.
“Oh thank god, some normal news,” Cheesolini relaxed into his bath. “Alright, you can all go.”
“Don’t you want me to explain their deal, Mighty Cheesare?” Alan asked.
“I…don’t really care, to be honest. It’s only America.”
…
10th May 1937
The extremely well-written strongly worded letter was being passed around the table as everyone smoked and snacked on grapes.
“Excellent work, Beancounter. My compliments to the monkeys.”
“Thank you, Mighty Cheesare. We estimate Albania shall have no choice but to fold, giving up Montenegro as well as their own sovereignty.”
“I note that we are now much better at not wasting fuel,” Catastrophe spoke up. “So whilst our oil and storage problems haven’t changed, at least they won’t leak constantly out of our vehicles once it goes in.”
“Good enough, I suppose,” Cheesolini shrugged. “It’s just not as satisfying handing nations pieces of paper and them in exchange giving us everything. It seems wrong somehow.”
“In a moral sense?”
“Don’t be absurd, Alan.”
“Sorry, Mighty Cheesare.”
The room was quiet for a moment. Basically all their short-term plans had been accomplished. Industry was acceptable if not brilliant. The Grand Council were now utterly irrelevant. Italy was taking over the Balkans piece by peaceful piece.
“What do we do now?” Alan said after a while.
“Anything we should be doing, Beancounter?”
The bureaucrat sighed and shuffled through his papers. “No, not really. I suppose we can guarantee Austrian independence…keep New Germany one buffer state away. Mind you, if Kaboom’s Swiss Confederacy sticks around, they’ll be wanting a piece of them eventually, and Berlin seems so placid these days that the country most likely to invade Austria is actually us.”
“So if we guarantee their independence, they’ll never see us coming?”
“I…yes, I suppose so, Mighty Cheesare,” Beancounter mumbled, crossing a note out.
A messenger arrived with a message.
“Thank you,” Alan said, absently handing the gibbon a grape, which it gratefully tucked into its uniform.
“Albania decided to pull a fast one at the last second?” Cheesolini said, half rising from his chair.
“Nope. They give up. Bit anti-climactic that.” Alan crewed up the paper and tossed it into the fire.
The bored companions all sighed and one by one dozed off.
“EVEVNING GENTS,” Kaboom burst through the doors in full Chancellor regalia, chimps scattering in his wake. He dodged the pistol round fired on instinct from the General’s gun, and flopped down into an empty wingback. “I see you’ve taken over the Balkans by asking nicely. Interesting strategy.”
“It really isn’t,” Beancounter said. “Though I suppose that is a good thing.”
“Pah! So, how you going to split this? Who’ve you got lined up to rule the various new puppets?”
“Alan,” Cheesolini yawned.
“For the newly reorganised Montenegro, we have former High Court Judge and Brigadier General Blazo Dukanovic. Seems a trustworthy figure, and mostly harmless. Can’t see any problems with him in charge.”
“Mmhm,” Kaboom scribbled in crayon Montenegro out from former Yugoslavia. “Who else?”
“For Albania, we’ve cobbled together a new fascist party led by Tefik Mborja. Nothing particularly interesting there but they only really have to exist, until we annex the lot back anyway. We’ll also be giving them Kosovo from Italian Yugoslavia to make up for us taking Montenegro back from Albania...eventually. Probably won’t kick in hand-over wise until after the Bulgarian war starts for some reason. Swings and roundabouts.”
“Cool story bro,” Kaboom finished his crude drawing. “I’ve been having a whale of a time in Switzerland. They have so many grenades there. It’s beautiful,” he wiped away a tear. “Well, must dash. Can’t leave the government leaderless. Anything could happen! TTFN!”
…
10th May 1937
“Right, let’s have a brief map flick through of current wars of any interest and then we can crack on.”
“Righto, Mighty Cheesare. Iran clearly has Iraq on the backfoot now, despite still not ejecting them from the Persian Gulf. Unless someone else intervenes, the Persians should…eventually…wear down the Iraqi army at this point.”
“Meanwhile, Yemen has managed to bounce back from an assault on their capital and nearly encircle the Arabs. Whether they manage to complete the encirclment, or go on a march to free Oman or even to the Saudi heartlands themselves, they’re clearly not lying down to die just yet.”
“The SSSR have consolidated and now have a solid territory to defend and expand from, and Stalin’s armies have cleaned up the other small spots of rebellion. Now it’s a straight slugging match between titans. It’ll be interesting to see if it impacts China, actually.”
“Speaking of, Shanxi and the Communists are making good progress against the Ma, whilst the Ma are making equally good progress against Sinkiang. It’s still anyone’s war aside from Sinkiang I suppose. If the Ma can conquer them fast enough and turn around, it might be too late to stop them falling to the eastern invaders, but it’ll certainly make progress a lot slower and bloodier.”
“Lastly, Denmark have fully secured the south of Norway, including Oslo, now renamed to the historical Christiania. Now the war in the north is over, the Red Norwegians will be rushing down south to face them…soon we’ll see who has the better army, but for now it’s anyone’s guess.”
“Righto,” Cheesolini nodded and stood up upon the lead tank in formation. “FORWARD! Let’s waste these fools!”
…
5th June 1937
It was another warm, sunny and happy day in London.
“How are things, everyone? All is well, I trust?”
“Everything is fine,” everyone replied, as the Cabinet sat down for their meeting.
“Good, good,” Stanley Baldwin opened the floor to news.
“The economy continues to recover from the Great Slump, and everything is ticking along just fine now.”
“The army and navy are modernising, rebuilding and rearming. They report everything is fine, and that they’re fine.”
“The Empire is fine. All our major rivals are in civil war, recovering from civil war, or the US going into isolation, and so everything seems to be fine.”
“Prime Minister, the League of Nations have begun to wind down, given everything is fine.”
“Really?” Baldwin raised an eyebrow. “Wasn’t there some issue or some such in the Balkans recently?”
“No, Prime Minister. Various correspondence was exchanged and equitably resolved between nations, and everything is fine. Well, except for Bulgaria, but that invasion was over so quickly that everything returned to being fine just as fast.”
“Ah, that’ll fine then. Anything else?”
“The Kingdom of Denmark reports their fight against Communism is going well and everything is fine in the south. They might want some money later on to keep fighting.”
“That’s fine. Any other news?”
“Italy continues to defend the peace in the Balkans and Europe generally by guaranteeing the independence of Austria. With Hitler dead, everything is fine of course, but it’s a nice gesture anyway.”
“That’s nice. Someone send them a gift basket or something. Right, so everything’s fine then?”
“Yes, everything is fine.”
“Great! Meeting adjourned.”
- 1