When Secvndvs saw the forces and names arrayed against them, he trembled. When the Legions loyal to Chuckius saw the armies gathered against them, they felt a bit uneasy.
However, when Chuckius saw all that, he just farted and said:
-So what?
To make short a long story, just the Cornelius sided with Chuckius, and they did just because they got the wrong road direction, as it was stated by the patriarch of the Cornelius clan:
-Cacat! (1)
However, Chuckius had grabbed his balls and he wasn't going to let him go. In the end, it proved a good decision. To grab Cornelius's balls, otherwise he would have flew away.
The first stages of the war were dissapointing to both sides. Strong in central Italy and Africa but weak elsewhere, Chuckius sent a brief messages to all his Legions and fleets.
-CQD (2) PS: BP (3).
Well... the questors got the idea, but they... were... how to say it nicely? They got the wrong way. The three legions loyal to Chuckius which were in North Italy, as they got the message, began to march to join hands (or hand with claws, whatever...) with Chuckius. On paper, it was a good idea. The problem was the way they choose to go to Rome. Indeed, All Roads Lead To Rome and all that, but some roads lead more directly than the rest.
Questor Cotta decided to go right to Rome through Etruria, and he did it, winning the province on the way. Questor Pictor decided to do the same, but, for some unknown reason, his way had a slight detour, and he ended in Barcino, Hispania. That caused one of the most quoted Latin sentences, when a bewildered Chuckius shouted at the top of his lungs.
-Whatius the Fuckius?!?!?!?!
Chuckius: -Eat that, rebel scum!
Cotta: -Erm... Chuckius, we are the rebels...
Chuckius: -No! We are the Champions!
Cotta: -Erm...
Chuckius: Do you see this sword? Do you want to see it closer?
Cotta: -No, thank you very much indeed.
Chuckius: Wise boy.
It must said that, while on his time on Barcino, there was a good happening. As Pictor's men got surrounded, a Helvetian volunteer called Johannius Gamperius formed what he called a Footballis Clubis, the Barcelona. Centuries later, a Lustianic called Mourinhius would had some hard times with Gamperius' creation.
Then Chuckius decided to go a bit beyond, and proclaimed himself dictator, winning a bit more of dissent on the way.
Did that end the whole joke of the civil war?
Not at all.
Hardly had Chuckius become dictator, he knew about the fate of his legions deployed in Gaul. Under Drusus and Balbus, they moved to Rome, but, as Pictor, through Barcino. Thus the Hispania loyal to Chuckius began to grown while the Dictator began to feel unpleasently outnumbered at Rome.
Thus he decided to make a risky movement. Knowing that the bulk of the enemy legions were in the north, Chuckius decided to strike south against the few troops that Lentulus had managed to gather there, annhilating them, but gaining some dozens of volunteers on the process.
Then Pictus, who had managed to free all Hispania, put it under the lead of one of his most trusted questors, a men called Franciscus Francus, and moved to Rome, just to met his fate there.
-What a sob... -Chuckius thought-. At least the survivors are still on friendly lands... I guess... who cares...
Then, an awful moment stroke.
-Chuckius, Chukius!
-Tell me, little padaw... er... tell me, Secvndvs...
-The augurs have seen the future! If you win this war, there will be some day someone called Berlusconni leading Rome! And it will be ...
The rest of Secvndvs words are lost to history, but the result is well known...
(1) Sh*t!
(2) Come Quicly or Die.
(3) Bring Pizzas.
