CHAPTER XIV: LORD EDMUND BLACKADDER XII 'THE GOOD' – EMPEROR OF SCOTLAND AND DUKE OF EDINBURGH
Lord Edmund Blackadder XII, grandson of the late Emperor Edmund XI, was next in line for the throne. A skilled tactician with the diplomacy of a drunk ferret, his rampant paranoia was poised to shape the destiny of Europe —and, for reasons never clearly explained, the Loch Ness ecosystem and environment. He later claimed the local fishermen were plotting a coup.
On May 8th, 1084, in a ceremony so extravagant it made peacocks look underdressed, Edmund Blackadder XII was crowned Emperor by Pope Caelestinus II, who was drunk on wine and incense. But mostly wine. Meanwhile, Baldrick, under royal orders to light a fire under the economy, enthusiastically interpreted this as setting fire to every fishing village near Loch Ness.
Edmund Blackadder XII declared a grand tournament, summoning the realm's finest lords and knights. Lord Flashheart arrived from Holland in a blaze of ego, bearing a shipload of tulips for the ladies, who promptly swooned. Baldrick, not to be outdone, displayed his prized turnip with pride. It received less swooning and more confused silence. One goat showed interest, briefly, before her husband took her back to Wales.
Emperor Edmund XII of Scotland paid a royal visit to his distant cousin in Jaffa—mainly to borrow gold, insult the local cuisine, and raise taxes on sand. From there, he set off on a pious pilgrimage to Jerusalem, stopping only to sell fake relics, offend three monks, and declare a riotous chicken as his spiritual guide. Calling the Emir of Jerusalem 'Biggus Dickus' did not help much in building relations with the local authorities either.
Stage I of the Imperial Palace by Loch Ness was, against all odds and Baldrick's involvement, a success; though the plumbing still screamed like a banshee on fire. Thus, Edmund XII started Stage II: a west wing for unwelcome visitors, a moat filled with architects' tears, and a ballroom large enough to host all of Scotland's incompetent nobles.
Two years after Edmund XI's tragically convenient demise, the Pope, either drunk, blind, bribed, or all three at once, declared him Blessed. The Vatican cited a miracle of patience, referring to anyone who endured a full conversation with Edmund 'the Conqueror' without committing heresy or homicide.
Edmund XII was dubbed 'the Good' after raising taxes on Jaffa Cakes. And biscuits too, just to avoid future taxation discrepancies. His subjects, hoping for a cut in the turnip tax, actually dubbed him 'the Good-for-Nothing' but Edmund, always galloping past villages in a hurry, only caught the first part and assumed applause.
One of Blackadder's dimmer vassals accidentally conquered Pamplona while drunkenly chasing an adventurous cow across the Pyrenees. Mistaking the local festivity of Sanferminak for an enthusiastic welcome, he declared victory. Ever eager to offload responsibility, Edmund XII 'the Good' graciously granted him the Kingdom of Navarra; mostly to avoid learning where it was. The adventurous cow provided a tasteful beef stew at the Victory Feast.
While studying a map over lunch, Edmund XII squinted at a large purple blotch. Marshal - he slurred - wipe that ghastly Burgundy off the map! Alas, he meant the wine stain; the Marshal took it as an imperial war order. By the weekend, Burgundian castles were under siege, while Edmund 'the Good' wondered where his Marshal and the army had gone. A few weeks later, Edmund XII was enjoying his third nap of the morning when the Marshal burst in, declaring that he had taken Provence, Dauphiné, and Franche-Comté. Edmund blinked, yawned, and his face showed he didn't understand anything. After being reminded of his earlier remarks about the Burgundy stain, Edmund heaved a weary sigh and ordered Baldrick to remove a rotten cheese platter. That Corsican cheese is revolting, he muttered as the Marshal left the room.
Not many days later, the King of Sardinia proudly announced he had conquered Corsica. Edmund XII, still juggling his accidentally expanding empire, asked Baldrick where Corsica was. Baldrick scratched his head: I think it's that place with the funny cheese, m'lord. Edmund sighed: Baldrick, remind me never to ask you about geography or, actually, anything!
The late Edmund Blackadder XI was proclaimed a saint by Pope Caelestinus II, thanks to a myopic monk who mistook 'the Conqueror' for 'the Confessor' in the royal chronicles. The typo snowballed through endless paperwork, reaching the Vatican's most confused officials. Meanwhile, Edmund XII, baffled but flattered, wondered if sainthood came with new taxes or just more tedious prayers and incense.
Pope Caelestinus II declared a Crusade for Egypt. Miraculously, it worked: Egypt was under Catholic rulers! For five glorious years. Then the Sunnis declared Jihad and walloped the Crusaders faster than Blackadder could collect taxes. Edmund XII, under the solemn promise of keeping Lord Flashheart away from the Arabian princesses, was allowed to maintain ownership of the Pyramids at Giza and three sandpits in Cyrenaica.
Pope Caelestinus II died feverish on August 23rd, 1095, sweating profusely like Lord Melchett during an algebra exam. He was succeeded by Innocentius III, a man who, despite his name, had long since lost his innocence during his evangelizing missions in the brothels of Sicily. Sadly, he popped his papal clogs on June 4th, 1097, after less than two years in the job, struck down by cancer worse than Baldrick's cunning plans. His papacy was shorter than Lord Percy's martial training, and just as effective. His successor, Callistus III, had the charisma of a damp cassock and only discovered that Rome actually existed when he was seated on the Papal throne.
Edmund XII's 1099 Christmas card, meant to inspire festive cheer, was penned with all the clarity of a Baldrick poem. His empty words like 'pushing forward our limits' and 'continue growing in our boundaries' were tragically mistaken as a call to arms. By Epiphany, his vassals had invaded Austrasia, Valencia, Castile, and Savoy, proving once again that the Blackadder Empire grew on the basis of unfortunate misunderstandings and meaningless orders.
In 1103, Edmund 'the Good' attended the coronation of Gregory 'the Wise' as Emperor of Germania. Edmund XII arrived bearing Jaffa Cakes, hoping to sweeten diplomatic relations, while Baldrick proudly presented a turnip; his idea of a diplomatic gift. No accidental fires were recorded on this occasion, possibly because Baldrick was staring at his turnip throughout the party.
Edmund XII adopted a Persian cat so regal it demanded silk cushions and passive-aggressive purring. He sought a name that was nice, sweet, yet powerful. Failing to find one, Baldrick just named the cat Stevens; who, unaware it's a wild world, did not stay home and went leaping and hopping on a moonshadow. In a fit of feline-fueled grandeur, the Emperor demanded a new castle in Liddesdale for his cat Stevens. It needs battlements and a moat filled with cream, he declared. The cat ignored the castle and accidentally boarded a merchant ship while chasing mice. Cat Stevens ended up in Dubai, where his new Islamic master named him Yusuf.
Stage II of the Imperialness Palace was finally unveiled with great pomp amid mild plumbing issues. A lavish hall with panoramic views over Loch Ness was added solely for Edmund's Golden Throne, forged from melted chamber pots and pure ego. Thick curtains could cover the windows in case of a storm... or unexpected appearances of the 'non-existent' monster.
Scotland annexed Asturias, León, Murcia, and Tripolitania, after Baldrick mistook Edmund's list of possible vacation destinations for a detailed war plan. Weeks later, Jerusalem was taken by Gerald, Count of Jaffa, who needed more space for his artichoke plantation. What a waste of fertile soil, Baldrick muttered, imagining vast turnip fields in the Holy Land.
Driven by jealousy and envy, the Blackadders' frequent fuel, Edmund 'the Good' ordered the conquest of Cologne and the destruction of its church. Nothing could surpass St. Giles' Cathedral, apart from his ego. On the vacant lot left by the temple, Edmund XII authorized a plantation of flowers and aromatic plants. The scent permeating the waters of Cologne quickly became popular, primarily to disguise Baldrick's lack of hygiene.
Imperial Prince Edmund, the heir of Emperor Edmund XII, died in a gardening accident on January 13th, 1120, continuing the bizarre family tradition of skipping a generation with each succession. His son Edmund, the Emperor's grandson, would be the new heir. He was warned not to mistake a cactus for a chair; his late father's fatal error.
Edmund Blackadder XII died clutching at his heart, aged 77, on September 26th, 1125. He expanded his empire across the Mediterranean, ensuring diverse summer vacation options, and even built a castle for his cat, Stevens. His remains now rest in a carved stone tomb within the crypt of Saint Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh. The epitaph reads: EDMUND BLACKADDER XII 'THE GOOD' – EMPEROR OF SCOTLAND – LOST CAT STEVENS AT THE HANDS OF ISLAM – AD MCXXV.
