CHAPTER X: LORD EDMUND BLACKADDER VIII 'THE PHILOSOPHER' – EMPEROR OF CUNNING AND DUKE OF EDINBURGH (949-982)
Upon reaching the age of 14, Edmund VIII's regency ended, and he began his reign unmonitored by any guardian. To mark this grand moment of independence, the realm nicknamed him Edmund 'the Young' — though no one would say whether it was due to his age or his tendency to throw tantrums at court.
Edmund VIII's first royal decree was a masterstroke of cunning: he named his mother Regent. A decision both wisely pragmatic and utterly childish, it secured his reign while allowing her to wield all real power — as mothers are wont to do.
In an extravagant ceremony on January 28th, 949, Pope Eugenius III proclaimed Edmund Blackadder VIII King of Scotland before God and men. King Childeric of Austrasia attended, hoping to leave behind his wife Joanna. But in Scotland returns were only accepted for sheep and defective swords — queens were strictly non-refundable.
As if fate hadn't already been cruel enough to Scotland in recent decades, a Smallpox epidemic swept the realm like a drunken bard at a banquet: loud, unwelcome, and itching for attention.
With vivid memories of mock battles at court, Edmund VIII boldly declared a Holy War against the Norse Haraldr Refr, who had seized parts of Ireland. Some said it was divine inspiration; others suspected he simply wanted to play with 7,500 real soldiers this time. Lord Baldrick was thrilled — no turnips were requisitioned for the campaign.
King Edmund VIII of Scotland married Countess Æthelburh of Worcester in a grand ceremony, where the choir sang, the nobles cheered, and the bride quietly wondered what sort of 'cunning plan' she had just married into.
In late 949, Duke Arthur Baldrick V of Albany succumbed to Smallpox, leaving the duchy to his heir, Lord Arthur Baldrick VI — bringing the Baldricks one step closer to defeating the Blackadders in the contest for least imaginative naming traditions. As Arthur VI was still in nappies, the position of Marshal went to Lord Simon Flashheart, who at least had mastered the art of using the toilet solo.
The Scottish army conquered southern Ireland with remarkable ease, largely because Edmund VIII and his generals had wisely stayed in Edinburgh, terrified of Smallpox. Bereft of absurd orders, the soldiers took Munster's fortresses without issue.
Lord Simon Bufton-Tufton, head of the most forgettable noble house in Scotland, was tasked with managing the new earldoms in Ireland. Thus, the Bufton-Tuftons rose from courtly obscurity in Edinburgh to despised dukes in the Emerald Isle.
The not-so-cunning Lord Lionel Blackadder, a distant cousin to the king, claimed the throne and fled to Regensburg to gather an army. Edmund VIII's first concern was pronouncing Regensburg, and the second was finding it on a map. After three exhausting weeks and tremendous effort, he began to wonder who Lionel was and why, exactly, he wanted the throne—especially when more comfortable chairs were available on the market.
In 952, Edmund VIII embarked on a pilgrimage to the tomb of Saint Adalelme of Melgueil, conveniently located on the sun-soaked Côte d'Azur. There he met several virgins, who miraculously restored his faith (particularly in the miracle of procreation).
In 953, the Smallpox epidemic ended. Edmund VIII celebrated with a grand tournament, inviting all great lords and knights — except those infected, who were courteously confined elsewhere.
Fascinated by science — and the thrilling prospect of dissecting small animals — Edmund VIII ordered the construction of a grand laboratory. Courtiers whispered that he sought knowledge; none suspected he would end up permanently altering Loch Ness.
On April 27th, 954, Scotland welcomed its heir, predictably named Edmund. Pope Eugenius III was summoned from Rome to perform the baptism — and to collect a hefty donation for his troubles.
While testing a new torture device invented by Edmund VIII, Marshal Lord Simon Flashheart died. He accidentally sat in the condemned's chair rather than the executioner's. The device proved highly effective. Duke Peter Darling II of Galloway was made Marshal, with strict instructions to first read the user manual for future executions.
In 956, Consumption swept Ireland, turning merry halls into echoing tombs. Priests blamed sin, physicians blamed air, the Irish blamed the Scots, and the Scots blamed the Irish. Edmund VIII blamed Baldrick. Baldrick, well..., Baldrick just collected turnips.
In 957, Edmund VIII launched a Holy War to 'liberate' Ossory from Norse Karl's hands. Local monks noted that the royal banners looked suspiciously annexation-shaped.
Once Ossory was under Blackadder control, Edmund VIII 'negotiated' vassalage with Leinster's Earl Algwyn by parking an army on his doorstep. The Earl graciously agreed — especially after being promised the title of Duke.
In 959, Edmund launched the final phase of his Irish unification: sending the army to 'open negotiations' with King Fíadchú Ua Néill of Meath, the last independent Irish ruler.
Pope Eugenius III died of Great Pox on May 22nd, 958. After a period of tense confinement, the College of Cardinals elected Pope Stephanus IV as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, and Servant of the Servants of God (among other things no one reads).
Following Blackadder-style 'diplomacy' involving steel and fire, King Fíadchú's resistance crumbled. He was graciously forced into vassalage. Ireland now bowed under the ever-so-humble Blackadder banner.
Edmund VIII created the Kingdom of Ireland, confirming his expanding power with much ceremony — and heavily taxed feasting. A title that came with ceremonial gold torcs, uncomfortable robes, and absolutely no idea how to pronounce half the vassals' names.
In 959, Edmund VIII began Stage III of construction at St. Giles' Cathedral, adding a royal box: larger, brighter, and with plush, luxurious, and expensive velvet cushions. Naturally, costs were 'generously' covered by the newly acquired Irish vassals, whose devotion to both God and taxation was now being thoroughly tested.
On July 27th, 961 King Edmund VIII welcomed his second son into the world, promptly named — oh! surprise! — Edmond. Court wits now suspect the royal family owned only one name scroll and refused to pay for a second.
Edmund was invited to the grand coronation of Siward as Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire in Kaiserslautern. All went splendidly until Baldrick, attempting to light incense, accidentally ignited the imperial banner. The fire spread quickly throughout the palace, resulting in smoke, panic, and an impromptu stampede. The ceremony was hastily relocated to the stables.
In 966, Edmund proudly published his MAGNUM OPUS ON UNIVERSAL PANACEA, a hefty tome detailing bizarre experiments from the royal laboratory, including rat-based prosthetics and reptile hybrids with alleged healing powers. Critics called it 'visionary' while physicians called it 'a crime against God and nature' and strongly advised readers not to try any of it at home. After publication, the grotesque by-products were discreetly dumped into Loch Ness. Days later, fishermen near Drumnadrochit began whispering of a strange creature in the waters; rumours Edmund dismissed as 'utterly absurd and unscientific' ... though oddly well-timed.
In 967, Pope Stephanus IV began rallying support to reclaim the lands of France from Saracen rule. King Edmund VIII, ever eager to send others to war, expressed enthusiastic support, especially if someone else could do the fighting and foot the bill. But, due to diplomatic pressure (and well-placed bribes) from the House of Agilolfing, the Pope changed the Crusade's target to Constantinople, hoping to crown a Catholic emperor. Edmund VIII objected firmly; sending troops to France was one thing, marching all the way to Turkey was quite another.
With the army packed for France, Edmund made a 'slight change of plans' to pay a 'friendly visit' to Wales, accompanied by several thousand armed men. The local lords, ever fond of hospitality, graciously became his vassals shortly after the Scots occupied their castles.
Crown Prince Edmund Blackadder married Paykîlti, daughter of Duke Odolgan of Pest, a diplomatic union proving love can flourish between a melancholic Scot and a woman whose name sounds like a sneeze. Baldrick spent several months confused about Pest versus pests and was only reassured by the promise that it wouldn't affect his turnips.
The Crusade ended in 970 with the successful conquest of Thrace. Kaiser Emelrich Agilolfing was crowned as Latin Emperor. The dethroned Basileus fled to southern Italy in exile.
On 16 January 971, another Edmund was born: the first grandson of Edmund VIII and son of Crown Prince Edmund. Historians began to worry how many more Edmunds the realm history could bear before official records became unreadable.
After three years of 'amicable relocation' of unruly Welsh nobles, Edmund VIII established the Kingdom of Wales with much pomp, ceremony, and forced cheering.
A new castle was commissioned at Leith, near Edinburgh, either to bolster royal defences or avoid sharing a roof with his increasingly peculiar court.
On May 8th, 971 rumours arrived of a terrible Plague in distant lands. Edmund VIII ignored these news, as he had done with all previous reports about strange creatures in Loch Ness.
The Bufton-Tuftons built a new castle in Ennis, County of Thomond, large enough to impress neighbours, intimidate peasants, and have somewhere grand to waste their time.
The Hermetic Order unveiled their newest marvel: the Magnetic Compass. In a cunning move, Edmund VIII pulled a handgun on the gathering and secured exclusive rights for 500 years. 'Now who wants to check if the compass points to north ... or death' - he inquired. At that same gathering, Edmund was elected Grand Magus of the Hermetic Order after a speech about his handgun and a few accidental lead bullet kidney perforations that raised eyebrows and votes in equal measure.
On April 23rd, 973 word reached that Persia had been widely depopulated by the Plague. Edmund VIII asked if the disease could be spread via carpets. The doctors, understandably, had no answer.
Pope Stephanus IV died of cancer on October 11th, 973. After tense confinement, the College of Cardinals elected Pope Marinus; who shortly after died of the Plague on March 5th, 974. After more tense confinement, Pope Innocentius II was elected.
On May 23rd, 974, word came that India, Middle East, and Asia Minor were severely affected by the Plague. Edmund VIII lamented the loss of 'the Asian minor' — so young, she never knew adult pleasures. The Chancellor gave up explaining geography.
Through his eccentric experiments, unsolicited advice, and accidental wisdom, Edmund VIII earned the nickname 'the Philosopher'. Drumnadrochit fishermen, however, preferred 'His Royal MonsterNess' as epithet.
On September 19th, 974 the Plague reached Scotland. Edmund asked how fast it travelled and whether it could swim in icy water. The Marshal could not guess what cunning plan was brewing. A few days later, in a move some called cunning and others called cowardly, Edmund VIII relocated his court to Reykjavík. 'Strategic foresight' he insisted. The Threepwoods were not amused. Duke Martin Percy III, barely a metre tall, was named Court Dwarf to raise morale in the cold and dreary halls of the new capital.
In 975, upon the childless death of the Count of Jaffa, Crown Prince Edmund inherited the title. Whether this was an honour or a curse remained unclear - the Black Death there was far worse than any Muslim army.
Pope Innocentius II died of stress on December 20th, 976. Pope Honorius III followed, but he died of cancer on June 12th, 979. Pope Lucius II was elected — once more, after confinement and considerable hand-wringing.
With no new Plague cases reported in Scotland, Edmund VIII returned triumphantly to Edinburgh in 980. To celebrate his survival, he crowned himself Emperor of Cunning. The Drumnadrochit fishermen continued calling him 'His Imperial MonsterNess' with renewed contempt.
Edmund VIII, Emperor of Cunning, determined Cornwall belonged with Wales. Its ruler, King Slèbìne of Brittany, politely disagreed. Fortunately, Slèbìne died before battle. His cousin, the Duke of Powys, inherited both titles, and the annexation of Cornwall (and Brittany) proceeded peacefully. Mostly.
Empress Æthelburh died bedridden on September 27th, 982. A few weeks later, Crown Prince Edmund followed, succumbing to the Plague on October 17th.
Emperor Edmund VIII, depressed and alone, took his own life on Christmas Day, 982. He had ruled since birth, survived six regents, and outlived the Plague. Will be remembered for his conquests of Ireland, Wales, and Brittany (and cursed by the fishermen of Drumnadrochit). His remains now rest in a carved stone tomb within the crypt of Saint Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh. The epitaph reads: EDMUND BLACKADDER VIII 'THE PHILOSOPHER' - EMPEROR OF CUNNING - ALWAYS AVOIDED THE LOCH NESS ISSUE - AD CMLXXXII.
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