I wonder if one or both of them will become saints...
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The ways of the Lord are inscrutable... especially when it comes to Blackadders.
That Italian marriage policy ... it looks almost cunning. Perhaps the Italians and Blackadder's could co-mingle as a result of a joint marriage policy and end up producing arch-cunning Edmunds of the future?
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Although you never can tell where a Blackadder might drop his cunning seed, an Italian Duce Edmondo Viperanera seems yet a very remote possibility...
I just realized one of the Houses was forgotten in Addendum A, and I also was able to edit savegame to make the Kingdom numeral match with the Dynasty number.
So, I have edited Addendum A to add House MacAdder and replaced Edmund III's portrait, now with correct numeral displayed. This 'patch' would work as long as Kingdom of Scotland is the main title for the Blackadders. Shall they ever control an Empire, then I will have to think how to manage numerals again.
Feel free to check again Addendum A if you had already previously read it.
So, I have edited Addendum A to add House MacAdder and replaced Edmund III's portrait, now with correct numeral displayed. This 'patch' would work as long as Kingdom of Scotland is the main title for the Blackadders. Shall they ever control an Empire, then I will have to think how to manage numerals again.
Feel free to check again Addendum A if you had already previously read it.
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Chapter V : Lord Edmund Blackadder IV 'One-Hand' - King of Scotland and Duke of Edinburgh (869-900)
CHAPTER V : LORD EDMUND BLACKADDER IV 'ONE-HAND' - KING OF SCOTLAND AND DUKE OF EDINBURGH (869-900)
Lord Edmund Blackadder IV, son of the late King Edmond, was the next on the succession line. Surrounded by enemies and rivals, the kingdom hoped his rule was not struck short by means of a dagger in the back - or by Baldrick's cunning plans' unplanned collateral damage.
In an extravagant ceremony on August 16th, 869 Pope Gregorius VII proclaimed Edmund Blackadder IV as King of Scotland before God and men (and a couple of disoriented sheep that lost their flock and entered the cathedral). To no one's surprise, neither the Bishop of Iona nor the Dukes of the Isles nor Moray attended the coronation, suggesting that the northern border would still cause the king some headaches...
King Edmund IV held a grand tournament, inviting all the great lords and knights of the realm. It brought great evenings of courage and honour to the city, and considerable profits to the brothels.
Edmund IV, in a 'grand gesture of gratitude' for the tireless service of his father's previous councillors, promptly dismissed them all and appointed an entirely new Council. Historians would later debate whether this was a stroke of political genius or simply because he couldn't remember any of their names.
Lord Edmond Blackadder was appointed Chancellor. Some claimed it was due to his sharp political mind, others suspected it was simply because Edmund IV wanted his brother busy out of the court.
Lord Arthur Baldrick, Duke of Albany, was appointed Spymaster. Some whispered it was due to his cunning and subtlety, but most believed it was because Edmund IV assumed no one would ever suspect a Baldrick of competence.
Lord Martin Flashheart, Duke of Man, was appointed Marshal. His strategy was simple: charge first, think later - if at all.
Bishop Lionel of Edinburgh was appointed Court Chaplain. His primary duty: ensuring that God, despite everything, still tolerated the Blackadders.
Lady Isabel Blackadder was appointed the new Court Tutor - primarily to keep her busy and out of trouble, as her previous hobby of plotting had become somewhat tiresome and inconvenient.
In 870, the epidemic was officially declared over in the kingdom. The joy was short-lived, however, as the tax collectors arrived promptly afterward; proving that nothing, not even death, could keep the Blackadders' thirst for gold at bay.
On September 8th, 870, the late Edmond Blackadder I was proclaimed 'Blessed' by Bishop Thomas of Glasgow - proof that divine standards had either plummeted or been heavily bribed.
Deeply moved by his father's beatification - and to try to save his soul in the future - Edmund IV went on a pilgrimage to the tomb of St. Patrick. The journey had some unpleasant moments, due to an 'absurd misunderstanding' between spending the night on the Isle of Man or with the man of the island... but what happened in Man will stay in Man.
In the year 871, Lord Arthur Baldrick, Duke of Albany, left the mortal world to meet his Maker - or not. His son, Lord Arthur Baldrick II, succeeded him both in the Duchy and as Spymaster.
Pope Gregorius VII, leader of all Catholic faithful, died a natural death on April 4th, 872. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Clemens II ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
In the itchy year 873, a measles epidemic was declared in Edinburgh. The King took immediate measures of great political significance, such as the Royal Edict prohibiting scratching and the 'voluntary' exile of all those infected.
Despite his 'severe' measures, and the unheeded advice of his doctors, King Edmund IV was diagnosed with measles and confined to his bedroom. The question is whether the confinement was for his medical recovery or just to avoid having him complaining in the court at all hours.
Finally, after two years of itching and suffering, the measles epidemic began to subside. The populace celebrated happily — until they learned that Edmund IV had also recovered and was once again ready to continue with his royal duties, whatever that meant.
Crown Prince Edmund Blackadder V married Lady Gersvinda Welenti, daughter of Duke Seguin of Provence. Although the Blackadders thought they were going to enjoy the warm summers on the French Riviera, all they got were a few soap samples with a pleasant lavender scent.
After long and fruitless negotiations of annexation with King Ciniod II of Moray, Edmund Blackadder IV finally activated his 'convincing diplomacy' and sent an army of 4,000 men to besiege the settlements of Argyll. It's always easier to convince someone of your merits as a ruler when you destroy their defenses.
After several Blackadder victories on the battlefield and seeing the uselessness of the weak palisade defenses of the Highland settlements against the Edinburgh siege machines, Ciniod II agreed to a truce in exchange for the sovereignty over Argyll.
In recognition of his prowess and leadership in the Argyll campaign, Duke Philip Flashheart of Man was appointed Marshal. Malicious rumors spread that Edmund IV preferred to keep him occupied with the army and away from his wife's royal bedchamber.
The ill-fated year 878 took the life of Lord Edward Blackadder, the king's brother. A natural death caused by Great Pox, natural for someone better known in brothels than at court.
To compensate for his heartfelt loss, Edmund Blackadder IV decided to adopt a dog, which he named Hunter. Like the late Lord Edward, his favorite thing was sniffing ladies' crotches.
During his free time - something quite common for a king - Edmund IV had the history of his dynasty compiled in what was known as the First Volume of the BLACKADDER CHRONICLES, covering the years 769 to 869, from Edmund Blackadder I until when his reign began.
Pope Clemens II, leader of all Catholic faithful, died of the Measles on October 26th, 879. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Martinus II ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Pope Martinus II, leader of all Catholic faithful, died of the Measles on December 19th, 879. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Ioannes VIII ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
In 880, the fortification of Argyll was completed. A solid and sturdy wall now protects the castle - much better than the ridiculous palisade that failed to prevent its conquest.
During the year 880, a change took place within the House of Darling. Lord Stephen Darling was called by God Our Lord, leaving his son Lord Nicholas Darling the Duchy of Galloway and the position of Steward.
Fed up with the the rude and primitive manners of his courtiers, Edmund IV decided it was necessary to bring a more feminine touch to his court. Thinking that appointing Lady Mahaut Percy would be the solution, he failed to realize that she had the subtlety of a stallion in heat.
Edmund IV earned the nickname 'One-Hand' after clearly demonstrating the sharpness of his sword blade by attempting (and miserably failing) to cut a rope while riding his horse. The rope, actually, had to be finally untied by a squire after the physicians took care of bleeding Edmund IV's forearm.
In the year 882, a gathering of wise scholars in Edinburgh unveiled the Radius Astronomicus, an invention intended to improve humanity by making navigation easier. Although Edmund IV could barely pronounce that name - let alone understand its purpose - he determined that it was undoubtedly his own invention and as such should remain in his possession. Everyone present agreed, especially after seeing the handgun Edmund IV carried at his belt.
Pope Ioannes VIII, leader of all Catholic faithful, died a natural death on July 27th, 882. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Benedictus III ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Pope Benedictus III, leader of all Catholic faithful, died of Smallpox on April 5th, 883. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Ioannes IX ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Lord Peter Darling, the man who could mistake a sword for a toilet brush, was appointed Commander, further confusing and frustrating the troops.
Most likely because of the above, Edmund IV decided that it was necessary to improve his protection in combat, ordering a new Splint Mail armor capable of stopping the cut of sharp blades, especially in the back area.
The Lords of Ross, in a skillful diplomatic move that allowed them to keep their heads in check, agreed to swear fealty to Edmund IV, who already had a friendly band of 5,000 soldiers ready to carry his proposal of 'political union for the common good' to their doors.
In a laudable attempt to revive ancient traditions, the witch Trutgaud Hardrading was burned at the stake for his heretical remarks about the limited intellectual capacity of King Edmund IV. The jury ruled beyond doubt that the outcome of 2 + 2 could only be obtained through black magic and the participation of the Evil One and the King was obviously not into that practices. Edmund IV's presence with his handgun at the jury debates had 'no influence' on the final outcome.
In a further demonstration of his appreciation for House Darling - or his utter ineptitude at choosing reliable strategists - Edmund IV appointed Lord Aubrey Darling as his commander, a man whose combat experience was limited to a scuffle with a child after school.
In 886, Duke Arthur Baldrick II of Albany decided to stop breathing. It is yet unclear whether this was before or after his son held his throat tightly for several minutes. Whatever the case, Arthur Baldrick III had to overcome the loss and inherited the duchy. Seeing the potential of young Arthur III, King Edmund IV did not hesitate to name him Marshal - at least he seemed capable of killing someone, if it came to that.
To maintain the uneasy balance between the Houses of the realm, and to keep him occupied and away from the queen's royal bedchamber, Duke Philip Flashheart of Man was appointed Steward and sent to collect taxes.
In 887, Duke Nicholas Darling of Galloway met his final end after trying to get home from the tavern. Apparently, the last of the 50 drinks he drank that night was spoiled, causing him to suffer a temporary state of amnesia, during which he forgot he couldn't fly over the cliff. His son, Lord Reginald Darling, inherited all his titles and possessions, except for the tavern bill, which remained unpaid.
After the years of truce agreed with King Ciniod II of Moray, Edmund Blackadder IV decided to pay a 'friendly visit' to Inverness, accompanied by 6,000 of his closest friends. In an act of brotherly love for his northern neighbours, he also brought along his entire arsenal of siege machines. There's no better way to show appreciation than to deploy your entire army in front of your neighbour's wall.
The inhabitants of Inverness were 'extremely grateful' for the generous display of military power Edmund IV had provided them, and after a few months in which no one would (or could) enter nor leave the settlement, they opened their hearts - and most important, the gates of the wall. Another example of the Blackadders' diplomatic skill, allowing to continue expanding their demesne in Scotland.
Believing they were requesting his autograph in admiration, Edmund IV signed the decree creating the Duchy of Moray and granting it to Lord Martin Percy. Thus, after various oversights and implausible excuses regarding the distribution of lands, the House of Percy was able to engrave its coat of arms over a castle gate in Scotland.
After 10 years of noble loyalty and friendship, the cleverest, most intelligent, and most capable member of House Blackadder reached the end of his days. Hunter, the dog, received a heartfelt funeral in the palace garden and was later buried by the lake.
Bored and with too much free time after the loss of his best friend Hunter, Edmund IV began plotting his new hobby: undermining the morale of his neighbors and expanding his kingdom. Caithness seemed the best option for this, and the weak palisades protecting the tribal settlement should pose no impediment - despite the manifest incompetence of the Edinburgh commanders.
Bishop Lionel of Edinburgh was called by the Creator, leaving our world in a final demonstration of Faith, trying (unsuccessfully) to evangelize some bandits in the forest. His place was taken by Bishop Reginald, who in a wise decision would only evangelize those who came unarmed to his temple.
Emboldened by the rapid surrender of Caithness at the sight of an army of nearly 7,000 drunken Scots, King Edmund IV decided to double down and marched towards the Hebrides. Some historians theorize that this was not a deliberate decision, but rather a confusion on the way back to Edinburgh. In any case, Blackadder's army reached Stornoway and laid siege.
On the ninth day of September 889, King Edmund IV's grandson was born, who was (predictably) named Edmund. Unfortunately, the child's health did not allow for much optimism and the sickly infant did not reach the first year of life.
Finding themselves surrounded by Blackadder's army (and by a lot of ocean water) the inhabitants of the Hebrides finally agreed to subjugate themselves to the kingdom of Scotland. A great victory for the Blackadders, which also brought a new gain - being able to get rid of the annoying Melchetts, with the excuse of giving them the governance of the Duchy of the Isles.
It seems that in the year 890 a troubadour told the legend of King Arthur to Edmund IV. Impressed by the story, he sent a search throughout the kingdom for a magical sword, because if Arthur had Excalibur, the Blackadders could not be less. A clever swordsmith took advantage of the opportunity and - for a not so modest amount of gold - delivered the sword Fury to Edmund IV.
The old and wise Bishop Uuirp of Iona, seeing himself surrounded and as the last independent county in the kingdom of Scotland - and without great confidence in the Savior's army - finally agreed to swear fealty to the Blackadders in exchange for being able to maintain the government (and taxes) over his demesne.
In the year 892, to celebrate the unification of all of Scotland under the cunning governance of the Blackadders, Edmund IV began construction of Stage II of St. Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh.
Another piece of good news was celebrated that year in Edinburgh. On August 9, 892, the King's new grandson was born - evidently was named Edmund. If his health held up and no assassination attempts prevented him, this newborn would one day reign as Edmund VI.
Duke Philip Flashheart of Man, in keeping with family tradition, ended his days in a reckless and absurd incident while trying to catch a swordfish with no help other than a rose and a heart-patterned bathing suit. His death, however, was not entirely in vain as it allowed the royal council to be reorganized. Duke Lionel Melchett of The Isles was appointed Chancellor and Duke Martin Percy of Moray designed Spymaster.
Near Dunbar, the locals began quarrying stone blocks to build their houses. King Edmund IV, always concerned and attentive to the needs of his people, declared the quarry an Essential Royal Source - and evidently imposed new 'fair taxes' on stone extraction.
After a royal visit to the Caithness settlements, Edmund IV saw islands on the horizon he'd never before paid attention to. 'Who lives there?' he asked... 'And how much am I paid to let them live there?' he added immediately. 'My lord, those islands are Orkney and are not part of the kingdom...' a squire replied - moments before having his tongue cut out. This is how the military campaign for Orkney started, and also the reason why the squires never spoke to their King again.
The scarce, poor, and unarmed inhabitants of Orkney were unable to prevent the Scottish invasion, and within a few weeks Edmund IV took possession of the islands and imposed compulsory rent on the lands, or as he cunningly called it, the 'Voluntary Contribution to the Support of the King'.
Gersvinda Welenti, the King's daughter-in-law, was accused of witchcraft, demonic possession, and adultery. The supreme judge, his husband Crown Prince Edmund VI, considered all three crimes abhorrent (especially the last one) before issuing his sentence: to die in terrible suffering, burned at the stake. A just punishment for the sins committed - and for being a cowardly unfaithful woman.
After the disappointment he had suffered with his previous wife, the Crown Prince this time preferred to marry someone closer to him - in fact, it is rumored they were much, much closer - and who was already residing at the court of Edinburgh: Lady Elizabeth Darling, daughter of Duke Nicholas of Galloway.
Edmund IV invited to court Lady Pale Coldhug, a pious nun who claimed to be from the distant kingdom of Abbadon. For a few weeks, Lady Coldhug and the king spent long periods of time talking and walking through the gardens, which the entire kingdom appreciated since everything was calm and no new taxes were introduced. However, during St. Bartholomew's Festival dinner, Lady Coldhug announced that her stay in Edinburgh was coming to an end, and she would be leaving at dawn the next morning.
King Edmund IV of Scotland was found dead, aged 55, next to a chess game, early morning on August 25th, 900. Physicians concluded that, due to the immense intellectual effort to sort the chess pieces by color, the king had suffered irreversible brain damage and died during the night, alone, in his chamber. His remains now rest in a carved stone tomb within the crypt of Saint Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh. The epitaph reads: HERE LIES EDMUND BLACKADDER IV 'ONE-HAND' - KING OF SCOTLAND - A HAND IS MISSING, LIKE LOGIC WAS IN MOST OF HIS ACTIONS - AD CM.
Lord Edmund Blackadder IV, son of the late King Edmond, was the next on the succession line. Surrounded by enemies and rivals, the kingdom hoped his rule was not struck short by means of a dagger in the back - or by Baldrick's cunning plans' unplanned collateral damage.
In an extravagant ceremony on August 16th, 869 Pope Gregorius VII proclaimed Edmund Blackadder IV as King of Scotland before God and men (and a couple of disoriented sheep that lost their flock and entered the cathedral). To no one's surprise, neither the Bishop of Iona nor the Dukes of the Isles nor Moray attended the coronation, suggesting that the northern border would still cause the king some headaches...
King Edmund IV held a grand tournament, inviting all the great lords and knights of the realm. It brought great evenings of courage and honour to the city, and considerable profits to the brothels.
Edmund IV, in a 'grand gesture of gratitude' for the tireless service of his father's previous councillors, promptly dismissed them all and appointed an entirely new Council. Historians would later debate whether this was a stroke of political genius or simply because he couldn't remember any of their names.
Lord Edmond Blackadder was appointed Chancellor. Some claimed it was due to his sharp political mind, others suspected it was simply because Edmund IV wanted his brother busy out of the court.
Lord Arthur Baldrick, Duke of Albany, was appointed Spymaster. Some whispered it was due to his cunning and subtlety, but most believed it was because Edmund IV assumed no one would ever suspect a Baldrick of competence.
Lord Martin Flashheart, Duke of Man, was appointed Marshal. His strategy was simple: charge first, think later - if at all.
Bishop Lionel of Edinburgh was appointed Court Chaplain. His primary duty: ensuring that God, despite everything, still tolerated the Blackadders.
Lady Isabel Blackadder was appointed the new Court Tutor - primarily to keep her busy and out of trouble, as her previous hobby of plotting had become somewhat tiresome and inconvenient.
In 870, the epidemic was officially declared over in the kingdom. The joy was short-lived, however, as the tax collectors arrived promptly afterward; proving that nothing, not even death, could keep the Blackadders' thirst for gold at bay.
On September 8th, 870, the late Edmond Blackadder I was proclaimed 'Blessed' by Bishop Thomas of Glasgow - proof that divine standards had either plummeted or been heavily bribed.
Deeply moved by his father's beatification - and to try to save his soul in the future - Edmund IV went on a pilgrimage to the tomb of St. Patrick. The journey had some unpleasant moments, due to an 'absurd misunderstanding' between spending the night on the Isle of Man or with the man of the island... but what happened in Man will stay in Man.
In the year 871, Lord Arthur Baldrick, Duke of Albany, left the mortal world to meet his Maker - or not. His son, Lord Arthur Baldrick II, succeeded him both in the Duchy and as Spymaster.
Pope Gregorius VII, leader of all Catholic faithful, died a natural death on April 4th, 872. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Clemens II ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
In the itchy year 873, a measles epidemic was declared in Edinburgh. The King took immediate measures of great political significance, such as the Royal Edict prohibiting scratching and the 'voluntary' exile of all those infected.
Despite his 'severe' measures, and the unheeded advice of his doctors, King Edmund IV was diagnosed with measles and confined to his bedroom. The question is whether the confinement was for his medical recovery or just to avoid having him complaining in the court at all hours.
Finally, after two years of itching and suffering, the measles epidemic began to subside. The populace celebrated happily — until they learned that Edmund IV had also recovered and was once again ready to continue with his royal duties, whatever that meant.
Crown Prince Edmund Blackadder V married Lady Gersvinda Welenti, daughter of Duke Seguin of Provence. Although the Blackadders thought they were going to enjoy the warm summers on the French Riviera, all they got were a few soap samples with a pleasant lavender scent.
After long and fruitless negotiations of annexation with King Ciniod II of Moray, Edmund Blackadder IV finally activated his 'convincing diplomacy' and sent an army of 4,000 men to besiege the settlements of Argyll. It's always easier to convince someone of your merits as a ruler when you destroy their defenses.
After several Blackadder victories on the battlefield and seeing the uselessness of the weak palisade defenses of the Highland settlements against the Edinburgh siege machines, Ciniod II agreed to a truce in exchange for the sovereignty over Argyll.
In recognition of his prowess and leadership in the Argyll campaign, Duke Philip Flashheart of Man was appointed Marshal. Malicious rumors spread that Edmund IV preferred to keep him occupied with the army and away from his wife's royal bedchamber.
The ill-fated year 878 took the life of Lord Edward Blackadder, the king's brother. A natural death caused by Great Pox, natural for someone better known in brothels than at court.
To compensate for his heartfelt loss, Edmund Blackadder IV decided to adopt a dog, which he named Hunter. Like the late Lord Edward, his favorite thing was sniffing ladies' crotches.
During his free time - something quite common for a king - Edmund IV had the history of his dynasty compiled in what was known as the First Volume of the BLACKADDER CHRONICLES, covering the years 769 to 869, from Edmund Blackadder I until when his reign began.
Pope Clemens II, leader of all Catholic faithful, died of the Measles on October 26th, 879. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Martinus II ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Pope Martinus II, leader of all Catholic faithful, died of the Measles on December 19th, 879. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Ioannes VIII ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
In 880, the fortification of Argyll was completed. A solid and sturdy wall now protects the castle - much better than the ridiculous palisade that failed to prevent its conquest.
During the year 880, a change took place within the House of Darling. Lord Stephen Darling was called by God Our Lord, leaving his son Lord Nicholas Darling the Duchy of Galloway and the position of Steward.
Fed up with the the rude and primitive manners of his courtiers, Edmund IV decided it was necessary to bring a more feminine touch to his court. Thinking that appointing Lady Mahaut Percy would be the solution, he failed to realize that she had the subtlety of a stallion in heat.
Edmund IV earned the nickname 'One-Hand' after clearly demonstrating the sharpness of his sword blade by attempting (and miserably failing) to cut a rope while riding his horse. The rope, actually, had to be finally untied by a squire after the physicians took care of bleeding Edmund IV's forearm.
In the year 882, a gathering of wise scholars in Edinburgh unveiled the Radius Astronomicus, an invention intended to improve humanity by making navigation easier. Although Edmund IV could barely pronounce that name - let alone understand its purpose - he determined that it was undoubtedly his own invention and as such should remain in his possession. Everyone present agreed, especially after seeing the handgun Edmund IV carried at his belt.
Pope Ioannes VIII, leader of all Catholic faithful, died a natural death on July 27th, 882. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Benedictus III ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Pope Benedictus III, leader of all Catholic faithful, died of Smallpox on April 5th, 883. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Ioannes IX ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Lord Peter Darling, the man who could mistake a sword for a toilet brush, was appointed Commander, further confusing and frustrating the troops.
Most likely because of the above, Edmund IV decided that it was necessary to improve his protection in combat, ordering a new Splint Mail armor capable of stopping the cut of sharp blades, especially in the back area.
The Lords of Ross, in a skillful diplomatic move that allowed them to keep their heads in check, agreed to swear fealty to Edmund IV, who already had a friendly band of 5,000 soldiers ready to carry his proposal of 'political union for the common good' to their doors.
In a laudable attempt to revive ancient traditions, the witch Trutgaud Hardrading was burned at the stake for his heretical remarks about the limited intellectual capacity of King Edmund IV. The jury ruled beyond doubt that the outcome of 2 + 2 could only be obtained through black magic and the participation of the Evil One and the King was obviously not into that practices. Edmund IV's presence with his handgun at the jury debates had 'no influence' on the final outcome.
In a further demonstration of his appreciation for House Darling - or his utter ineptitude at choosing reliable strategists - Edmund IV appointed Lord Aubrey Darling as his commander, a man whose combat experience was limited to a scuffle with a child after school.
In 886, Duke Arthur Baldrick II of Albany decided to stop breathing. It is yet unclear whether this was before or after his son held his throat tightly for several minutes. Whatever the case, Arthur Baldrick III had to overcome the loss and inherited the duchy. Seeing the potential of young Arthur III, King Edmund IV did not hesitate to name him Marshal - at least he seemed capable of killing someone, if it came to that.
To maintain the uneasy balance between the Houses of the realm, and to keep him occupied and away from the queen's royal bedchamber, Duke Philip Flashheart of Man was appointed Steward and sent to collect taxes.
In 887, Duke Nicholas Darling of Galloway met his final end after trying to get home from the tavern. Apparently, the last of the 50 drinks he drank that night was spoiled, causing him to suffer a temporary state of amnesia, during which he forgot he couldn't fly over the cliff. His son, Lord Reginald Darling, inherited all his titles and possessions, except for the tavern bill, which remained unpaid.
After the years of truce agreed with King Ciniod II of Moray, Edmund Blackadder IV decided to pay a 'friendly visit' to Inverness, accompanied by 6,000 of his closest friends. In an act of brotherly love for his northern neighbours, he also brought along his entire arsenal of siege machines. There's no better way to show appreciation than to deploy your entire army in front of your neighbour's wall.
The inhabitants of Inverness were 'extremely grateful' for the generous display of military power Edmund IV had provided them, and after a few months in which no one would (or could) enter nor leave the settlement, they opened their hearts - and most important, the gates of the wall. Another example of the Blackadders' diplomatic skill, allowing to continue expanding their demesne in Scotland.
Believing they were requesting his autograph in admiration, Edmund IV signed the decree creating the Duchy of Moray and granting it to Lord Martin Percy. Thus, after various oversights and implausible excuses regarding the distribution of lands, the House of Percy was able to engrave its coat of arms over a castle gate in Scotland.
After 10 years of noble loyalty and friendship, the cleverest, most intelligent, and most capable member of House Blackadder reached the end of his days. Hunter, the dog, received a heartfelt funeral in the palace garden and was later buried by the lake.
Bored and with too much free time after the loss of his best friend Hunter, Edmund IV began plotting his new hobby: undermining the morale of his neighbors and expanding his kingdom. Caithness seemed the best option for this, and the weak palisades protecting the tribal settlement should pose no impediment - despite the manifest incompetence of the Edinburgh commanders.
Bishop Lionel of Edinburgh was called by the Creator, leaving our world in a final demonstration of Faith, trying (unsuccessfully) to evangelize some bandits in the forest. His place was taken by Bishop Reginald, who in a wise decision would only evangelize those who came unarmed to his temple.
Emboldened by the rapid surrender of Caithness at the sight of an army of nearly 7,000 drunken Scots, King Edmund IV decided to double down and marched towards the Hebrides. Some historians theorize that this was not a deliberate decision, but rather a confusion on the way back to Edinburgh. In any case, Blackadder's army reached Stornoway and laid siege.
On the ninth day of September 889, King Edmund IV's grandson was born, who was (predictably) named Edmund. Unfortunately, the child's health did not allow for much optimism and the sickly infant did not reach the first year of life.
Finding themselves surrounded by Blackadder's army (and by a lot of ocean water) the inhabitants of the Hebrides finally agreed to subjugate themselves to the kingdom of Scotland. A great victory for the Blackadders, which also brought a new gain - being able to get rid of the annoying Melchetts, with the excuse of giving them the governance of the Duchy of the Isles.
It seems that in the year 890 a troubadour told the legend of King Arthur to Edmund IV. Impressed by the story, he sent a search throughout the kingdom for a magical sword, because if Arthur had Excalibur, the Blackadders could not be less. A clever swordsmith took advantage of the opportunity and - for a not so modest amount of gold - delivered the sword Fury to Edmund IV.
The old and wise Bishop Uuirp of Iona, seeing himself surrounded and as the last independent county in the kingdom of Scotland - and without great confidence in the Savior's army - finally agreed to swear fealty to the Blackadders in exchange for being able to maintain the government (and taxes) over his demesne.
In the year 892, to celebrate the unification of all of Scotland under the cunning governance of the Blackadders, Edmund IV began construction of Stage II of St. Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh.
Another piece of good news was celebrated that year in Edinburgh. On August 9, 892, the King's new grandson was born - evidently was named Edmund. If his health held up and no assassination attempts prevented him, this newborn would one day reign as Edmund VI.
Duke Philip Flashheart of Man, in keeping with family tradition, ended his days in a reckless and absurd incident while trying to catch a swordfish with no help other than a rose and a heart-patterned bathing suit. His death, however, was not entirely in vain as it allowed the royal council to be reorganized. Duke Lionel Melchett of The Isles was appointed Chancellor and Duke Martin Percy of Moray designed Spymaster.
Near Dunbar, the locals began quarrying stone blocks to build their houses. King Edmund IV, always concerned and attentive to the needs of his people, declared the quarry an Essential Royal Source - and evidently imposed new 'fair taxes' on stone extraction.
After a royal visit to the Caithness settlements, Edmund IV saw islands on the horizon he'd never before paid attention to. 'Who lives there?' he asked... 'And how much am I paid to let them live there?' he added immediately. 'My lord, those islands are Orkney and are not part of the kingdom...' a squire replied - moments before having his tongue cut out. This is how the military campaign for Orkney started, and also the reason why the squires never spoke to their King again.
The scarce, poor, and unarmed inhabitants of Orkney were unable to prevent the Scottish invasion, and within a few weeks Edmund IV took possession of the islands and imposed compulsory rent on the lands, or as he cunningly called it, the 'Voluntary Contribution to the Support of the King'.
Gersvinda Welenti, the King's daughter-in-law, was accused of witchcraft, demonic possession, and adultery. The supreme judge, his husband Crown Prince Edmund VI, considered all three crimes abhorrent (especially the last one) before issuing his sentence: to die in terrible suffering, burned at the stake. A just punishment for the sins committed - and for being a cowardly unfaithful woman.
After the disappointment he had suffered with his previous wife, the Crown Prince this time preferred to marry someone closer to him - in fact, it is rumored they were much, much closer - and who was already residing at the court of Edinburgh: Lady Elizabeth Darling, daughter of Duke Nicholas of Galloway.
Edmund IV invited to court Lady Pale Coldhug, a pious nun who claimed to be from the distant kingdom of Abbadon. For a few weeks, Lady Coldhug and the king spent long periods of time talking and walking through the gardens, which the entire kingdom appreciated since everything was calm and no new taxes were introduced. However, during St. Bartholomew's Festival dinner, Lady Coldhug announced that her stay in Edinburgh was coming to an end, and she would be leaving at dawn the next morning.
King Edmund IV of Scotland was found dead, aged 55, next to a chess game, early morning on August 25th, 900. Physicians concluded that, due to the immense intellectual effort to sort the chess pieces by color, the king had suffered irreversible brain damage and died during the night, alone, in his chamber. His remains now rest in a carved stone tomb within the crypt of Saint Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh. The epitaph reads: HERE LIES EDMUND BLACKADDER IV 'ONE-HAND' - KING OF SCOTLAND - A HAND IS MISSING, LIKE LOGIC WAS IN MOST OF HIS ACTIONS - AD CM.
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A Baldrick here, a Percy there, a Flasheart pretty much everywhere...
With Scotland unified and Orkneys taken one wonders where the roving eye of of the Black Adder will turn to next
With Scotland unified and Orkneys taken one wonders where the roving eye of of the Black Adder will turn to next
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Not to forget the Darlings, the Melchetts and yet the unlanded Bufton-Tuftons... and some new Houses soon joining the entourage.A Baldrick here, a Percy there, a Flasheart pretty much everywhere...
With Scotland unified and Orkneys taken one wonders where the roving eye of of the Black Adder will turn to next
Chapter VI will unveil the next cunning moves of the Blackadders... will they sail north to new (and frozen) islands? Will they go for green pastures - and dark beer - at Emerald Island, or maybe south to take Camelot... stay tuned for new adventures, nonsense decisions, asininity and epic misunderstandings under the reign of Edmund V.
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Ah yes, much gratitude being shown there by Edmund IV. That or the councillors' service wasn't tireless enough!
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Why exactly he was hanging around a school as an adult, the king ignored.
Good fences don't make good neighbors. True friends have no need of walls. Edmund was just providing some friendly demolition services.
I've always loved that event. CK2's wackiness fits the style of this AAR well.
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Chapter VI : Lord Edmund Blackadder V 'the Resilient' - King of Scotland and Duke of Edinburgh (900-917)
CHAPTER VI : LORD EDMUND BLACKADDER V 'THE RESILIENT' - KING OF SCOTLAND AND DUKE OF EDINBURGH (900-917)
Lord Edmund Blackadder V, son of the late King Edmund IV, was the next on the succession line. A lunatic man who clearly was not the sharpest knife in the drawer, his military training could only bring more conflict and trouble with the neighbours - something the subjects of Scotland were already becoming used to.
In an extravagant ceremony on November 5th, 900 Pope Ioannes IX proclaimed Edmund Blackadder V as King of Scotland before God and men. The Holy Father and all those present offered prayers for peace, justice, and, if possible, a quick and painless change of dynasty on the Scottish throne - but it seems that God had other plans at that moment and did not heed any of their pleas.
Edmund V wanted to maintain the Royal Council that had served his father - actually, he didn't want to start making enemies within the kingdom. So, without changing any of the Council's seats, he appointed Duke Reginald Darling of Galloway as his Regent.
Lord Jordan Percy, a man who was always bored at court and didn't know how to spend his time, was tasked with educating future generations as Cort Tutor.
Lord Arthur Blackadder, despite his total lack of discipline and honor, was appointed Commander. It's always good to have a close relative in command of the army - or maybe not, given the Blackadder's tendency for treachery and cunning schemes.
Edmund V's first major work - just because it was already committed by his late father - was the Sick House at Dunbar. A demonstration of the Blackadder's kindness, now the dying would no longer have to be transferred to Edinburgh and could be kept in their native - and deadly - city.
King Edmund V held a grand tournament for his coronation, inviting all the great lords and knights of the realm. Although there was no doubt that Edmund V won the tournament, the question remained as to whether the horse or the rider was smarter.
On April 27th 901, a second son was born to kind Edmund V (actually, he was the third son, but the first one did not survive). As the family tradition demanded, the newborn was named Edmond, saving both time and costs embroidering of the name on clothes.
Before the end of 901, Edmund V fulfilled the promise made on the day of his coronation, and went on pilgrimage to Ternyllwg, in Powys. In fact, the promise was to visit the tomb of one of the great saints of Catholicism, but Edmund V chose Saint Idnerth, the one closest to home.
King Edmund V and Lord Baldrick were invited to the coronation of Galam Circinn, the new King of Austrasia, in Portois. A new opportunity to place the Blackadders preeminently among European royalty - which Lord Baldrick, with his usual cunning, managed to ruin spectacularly, when he tried to light a votive candle during the coronation and set fire to the whole chapel.
Upon returning from Portois, Edmund V summoned the Council to announce an important decision. And this time it was not about raising new invented taxes or changing the carpet in the castle. As implausible and strange as it may seem, the king this time acted as expected of a good ruler. Edmund V had made the decision that the northern islands needed to be invaded, and therefore, a fleet capable of transporting the army had to be prepared. Once all the councilors were at the table, Edmund V opened the session by announcing his plans and the reasons that had led him to make that decision.
- Noble men, after being informed by our vassal, the Bishop of Iona, of the existence of a land of ice and fire further north than we have ever reached, a large island where Irish monks settled hundreds of years ago, I have determined to take possession of it; in order to defend it from external invasions.
- But Your Majesty, wouldn't what you're saying, in fact, be an external invasion? - questioned Lord Baldrick.
- Of course not, you malformed rotten turnip - answered Edmund V with his habitual charm - we are inside the kingdom; we can never be considered an external invasion.
- Your Royal Highness - said Lord Darling - why do you want to go to a distant island that we know nothing about, when you can simply cross the Strait of Moyle and conquer land in Ireland?
- My dear Darling, I have studied all our maps, and in all of them the arrow points north. And everyone knows that, in a map, you have to follow the arrows to get the treasury, usually marked with an X.
- Uhm - muttered Lord Melchett - that makes sense, why would they place an arrow on the map otherwise? Although there are no X on our maps.
- Lord Melchett - sighed Edmund V - if there was an X in the map everyone would go there and steal my treasury. We have to read between the lines to find the clues.
Solved this first doubts, Edmund V started to describe his new fleet.
- It should be able to carry about 15.000 men, plus horses, weapons, turnips... this would be a huge fleet. And we must think a great name for the fleet, a powerful and brilliant name, bold but without being boastful, that scares our enemies but doesn't seem like a childish threat.
- Oh, I have the perfect name - said Lord Baldrick.
- Dear Baldrick, although I know for sure that I will regret it, in fact I already am regretting it now, what name have you thought of?
- Fleetwood Mac - Baldrick said, all cheerfully.
- .... W-what? - asked Edmund V, almost unable to process what he had just heard.
- Look, Your Highness, Fleet because it's a fleet, Wood because it'll be made of wood, and Mac because that's what all Scots are called. It's the perfect name.
- Baldrick, congratulations... - added Edmund V - ... Of all the stupid, nonsensical ideas you or your ancestors have ever had, this is without a doubt the most stupid and nonsensical. This name is so bad that not even a band of drunk musicians would choose it in a thousand years, and if they ever did, it would be so ridiculous that no one would hire them or listen to their music.
- Then, do you like it or not? - Asked Baldrick a bit puzzled.
- Why don't we name it The Invincible Armada, or The Great and Most Fortunate Navy? - Lord Flashheart suggested.
King Edmund V thought about it for a few brief moments.
- I find these names too pompous, Lord Flashheart, even coming from you - said Edmund V - In fact, they are as exaggerated and bizarre as if a presumptuous Spanish king ever wanted to invade the British Isles!
A great laugh took over the Council Chamber, for the idea of a Spanish fleet on the British coast was certainly most hilarious.
- I see, my lords, that as always, I will have to be the one to bring the good ideas to the council... - continued Edmund V - and I already have the name in mind; a worthy and appropriate name, that everyone will remember and will forever be associated with my success: The Blackadder Oceanic Army for Tactical Sailing, which we can shorten for convenience to BOATS.
The councilors exchanged silent nervous glances, until Lord Percy began to clap his hands.
- Your Highness, it is indeed a brilliant, cunning name. There is no better name for a fleet than The BOATS.
The Council Session was terminated after some more flattery in the person of Edmund V, and Royal Orders were issued to all ports and shipyards to begin building and arming the BOATS.
After more than a year of intense work, the ships of the new fleet were ready to set sail. Edmund V took command and gave orders to steer the BOATS toward Shetland, on what would be the first Scottish expedition to the high seas.
Faced with the arrival of more than 100 ships and some 10,000 men, the inhabitants of Shetland offered no resistance and the island was easily annexionated.
Once the BOATS had replenished its supplies in Shetland, this new port of call, Edmund V set course for the Faroe Islands, in order to secure a solid supply line for his operation towards Iceland. As happened in Shetland, the few inhabitants of the islands surrendered without resistance, becoming a possession of Scotland, among their traditional displays of joy and happiness by throwing stones at the boats docked on the coast.
The conquest of Shetland and the Faroe Islands, despite securing ports of refuge and a valuable supply line for the BOATS campaign in Iceland, presented certain inconveniences for Edmund V. Basically, his little desire to go there in person. But also the underdevelopment of the islands and their Pictish inhabitants, who still lived grouped in tribal clans. After much thought, he decided that he would appoint a nobleman from among the Picts, to whom he would give the title of Duke of Orkney, and entrust with the government of those cold and poor islands. The chosen one was a young man, named Paul, of a rather discreet profile, who could easily play the bass lines of day-to-day management.
So, Edmund V summoned the young man to Edinburgh, and in a brief ceremony, made him Duke.
- Lord Paul MacOrkney, do you swear to serve the kingdom of Scotland, your King Edmund V, and House Blackader faithfully?
- Yes, Your Royal Highness.
- Then, by divine grace, I grant you the Duchy of Orkney, a honour that you will have to protect with your life, if necessary.
The new duke remained silent for a moment...
- Is there anything wrong, Lord MacOrkney?
- My King, yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away, but suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be. There's a shadow hanging over me, now I need a place to hide away.
- Do not worry, Lord MacOrkney, I am not planning to invade again those tiny and penurious islands and revoke your title ... it looks as though you're here to stay.
And this is how House MacOrkney saw its fame and prestige increase, being considered one of the Great Houses of Scotland.
A Waldensian Uprising, dissatisfied with Bishop Reginald's evangelical labor, took up arms against the king. Their first victim was Bishop Reginald himself, who was murdered while blessing the young women at the brothel. Led by a peasant named Hugh, they also attempted to storm Jedburgh Castle.
Edmund V could not allow the murder of bishops with impunity - unless he ordered it - nor could he allow the assault on Royal properties or the horrendous crime of unpaid taxes. With the mobilization of Stirling's troops, the rebellion was quickly suppressed and its leader received an exemplary punishment: Hugh was boiled to death.
Religious unrest in Scotland slowed the campaign toward Iceland. After literally boiling the instigator of the Waldesian revolt, Edmund V resumed his objective and set his fleet heading north again.
In 910, the BOATS finally sighted land north of the Faroes. It was undoubtedly the mysterious island of ice and fire about which so little was known. The landing was not well received by the inhabitants, who were no longer Irish hermits but fierce Norsemen.
While Edmund V was fighting in Iceland, Duke Reginald Darling of Galloway was assassinated by a rabble of angry populace over taxation. His son, Lord Peter Darling, inherited the duchy and the uncomfortable position of Steward.
The long absence of Edmund V plunged his faithful vassal Lionel Melchett, Duke of the Isles, into a depression, eventually causing him to die of grief. His son, Lord Cecil Melchett, succeeded him to the duchy and to the office of Chancellor.
Edmund V, after enduring the harsh climate of Iceland - and the equally harsh cunning plans of Lord Baldrick - was given the nickname 'the Resilient' for his ability to overcome such adversities.
Pope Ioannes IX, leader of all Catholic faithful, died of severe stress on February, 4th 913. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Ioannes X ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Pope Ioannes X, leader of all Catholic faithful, died a natural death on April, 22nd 913. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Callistus II ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
In 913, the House of Baldrick requested permission to build a new castle at Forteviot, Scone. Edmund V, busy in Iceland, did not want to know the details and simply collected the taxes for major works.
After a long conversation with his horse, who merely nodded and neighed, Edmund V decided to appoint Glitterhoof as Chancellor; the most loyal friend he had ever had - and the only one who had never made a fool of him so far. In order to be able to properly present Glitterhoof before the council, he also ordered a custom-made Ornate Steed Armor.
While much of the Scottish army continued to fight in Iceland, the Norse Anundr attacked Edinburgh. Fortunately, Nicholas Blackadder was able to repel the attack with the men who had remained in the garrison.
On November 20, 915, the king's first grandson was born, ensuring another generation of Blackadders on the throne. Needless to say, he was named Edmund and would reign - if there were no surprises - as the seventh of his name.
Distracted by the battles of Iceland, Edmund V paid not enough attention to the new 'cunning idea' of his Marshal, Lord Arthur Baldrick III. The plan, called Trumpets of Doom, consisted of attempting to collapse enemy defensive walls and towers by sounding war trumpets. The ridicule was absolute, and the expense in trumpets exorbitant. However, Lord Baldrick did not see it as a failure, but as a success without prize.
King Edmund V of Scotland died of Cancer, aged 54, on February, 14th 917. Born with an 'unparalleled genious' he was always looking for new problems to solve and new opportunities to tax. His remains now rest in a carved stone tomb within the crypt of Saint Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh. The epitaph reads: HERE LIES EDMUND BLACKADDER V 'THE RESILIENT' - KING OF SCOTLAND - HE FOLLOWED THE WISE ADVICE OF HIS HORSE UNTIL HIS DEATH - AD CMXVII.
Lord Edmund Blackadder V, son of the late King Edmund IV, was the next on the succession line. A lunatic man who clearly was not the sharpest knife in the drawer, his military training could only bring more conflict and trouble with the neighbours - something the subjects of Scotland were already becoming used to.
In an extravagant ceremony on November 5th, 900 Pope Ioannes IX proclaimed Edmund Blackadder V as King of Scotland before God and men. The Holy Father and all those present offered prayers for peace, justice, and, if possible, a quick and painless change of dynasty on the Scottish throne - but it seems that God had other plans at that moment and did not heed any of their pleas.
Edmund V wanted to maintain the Royal Council that had served his father - actually, he didn't want to start making enemies within the kingdom. So, without changing any of the Council's seats, he appointed Duke Reginald Darling of Galloway as his Regent.
Lord Jordan Percy, a man who was always bored at court and didn't know how to spend his time, was tasked with educating future generations as Cort Tutor.
Lord Arthur Blackadder, despite his total lack of discipline and honor, was appointed Commander. It's always good to have a close relative in command of the army - or maybe not, given the Blackadder's tendency for treachery and cunning schemes.
Edmund V's first major work - just because it was already committed by his late father - was the Sick House at Dunbar. A demonstration of the Blackadder's kindness, now the dying would no longer have to be transferred to Edinburgh and could be kept in their native - and deadly - city.
King Edmund V held a grand tournament for his coronation, inviting all the great lords and knights of the realm. Although there was no doubt that Edmund V won the tournament, the question remained as to whether the horse or the rider was smarter.
On April 27th 901, a second son was born to kind Edmund V (actually, he was the third son, but the first one did not survive). As the family tradition demanded, the newborn was named Edmond, saving both time and costs embroidering of the name on clothes.
Before the end of 901, Edmund V fulfilled the promise made on the day of his coronation, and went on pilgrimage to Ternyllwg, in Powys. In fact, the promise was to visit the tomb of one of the great saints of Catholicism, but Edmund V chose Saint Idnerth, the one closest to home.
King Edmund V and Lord Baldrick were invited to the coronation of Galam Circinn, the new King of Austrasia, in Portois. A new opportunity to place the Blackadders preeminently among European royalty - which Lord Baldrick, with his usual cunning, managed to ruin spectacularly, when he tried to light a votive candle during the coronation and set fire to the whole chapel.
Upon returning from Portois, Edmund V summoned the Council to announce an important decision. And this time it was not about raising new invented taxes or changing the carpet in the castle. As implausible and strange as it may seem, the king this time acted as expected of a good ruler. Edmund V had made the decision that the northern islands needed to be invaded, and therefore, a fleet capable of transporting the army had to be prepared. Once all the councilors were at the table, Edmund V opened the session by announcing his plans and the reasons that had led him to make that decision.
- Noble men, after being informed by our vassal, the Bishop of Iona, of the existence of a land of ice and fire further north than we have ever reached, a large island where Irish monks settled hundreds of years ago, I have determined to take possession of it; in order to defend it from external invasions.
- But Your Majesty, wouldn't what you're saying, in fact, be an external invasion? - questioned Lord Baldrick.
- Of course not, you malformed rotten turnip - answered Edmund V with his habitual charm - we are inside the kingdom; we can never be considered an external invasion.
- Your Royal Highness - said Lord Darling - why do you want to go to a distant island that we know nothing about, when you can simply cross the Strait of Moyle and conquer land in Ireland?
- My dear Darling, I have studied all our maps, and in all of them the arrow points north. And everyone knows that, in a map, you have to follow the arrows to get the treasury, usually marked with an X.
- Uhm - muttered Lord Melchett - that makes sense, why would they place an arrow on the map otherwise? Although there are no X on our maps.
- Lord Melchett - sighed Edmund V - if there was an X in the map everyone would go there and steal my treasury. We have to read between the lines to find the clues.
Solved this first doubts, Edmund V started to describe his new fleet.
- It should be able to carry about 15.000 men, plus horses, weapons, turnips... this would be a huge fleet. And we must think a great name for the fleet, a powerful and brilliant name, bold but without being boastful, that scares our enemies but doesn't seem like a childish threat.
- Oh, I have the perfect name - said Lord Baldrick.
- Dear Baldrick, although I know for sure that I will regret it, in fact I already am regretting it now, what name have you thought of?
- Fleetwood Mac - Baldrick said, all cheerfully.
- .... W-what? - asked Edmund V, almost unable to process what he had just heard.
- Look, Your Highness, Fleet because it's a fleet, Wood because it'll be made of wood, and Mac because that's what all Scots are called. It's the perfect name.
- Baldrick, congratulations... - added Edmund V - ... Of all the stupid, nonsensical ideas you or your ancestors have ever had, this is without a doubt the most stupid and nonsensical. This name is so bad that not even a band of drunk musicians would choose it in a thousand years, and if they ever did, it would be so ridiculous that no one would hire them or listen to their music.
- Then, do you like it or not? - Asked Baldrick a bit puzzled.
- Why don't we name it The Invincible Armada, or The Great and Most Fortunate Navy? - Lord Flashheart suggested.
King Edmund V thought about it for a few brief moments.
- I find these names too pompous, Lord Flashheart, even coming from you - said Edmund V - In fact, they are as exaggerated and bizarre as if a presumptuous Spanish king ever wanted to invade the British Isles!
A great laugh took over the Council Chamber, for the idea of a Spanish fleet on the British coast was certainly most hilarious.
- I see, my lords, that as always, I will have to be the one to bring the good ideas to the council... - continued Edmund V - and I already have the name in mind; a worthy and appropriate name, that everyone will remember and will forever be associated with my success: The Blackadder Oceanic Army for Tactical Sailing, which we can shorten for convenience to BOATS.
The councilors exchanged silent nervous glances, until Lord Percy began to clap his hands.
- Your Highness, it is indeed a brilliant, cunning name. There is no better name for a fleet than The BOATS.
The Council Session was terminated after some more flattery in the person of Edmund V, and Royal Orders were issued to all ports and shipyards to begin building and arming the BOATS.
After more than a year of intense work, the ships of the new fleet were ready to set sail. Edmund V took command and gave orders to steer the BOATS toward Shetland, on what would be the first Scottish expedition to the high seas.
Faced with the arrival of more than 100 ships and some 10,000 men, the inhabitants of Shetland offered no resistance and the island was easily annexionated.
Once the BOATS had replenished its supplies in Shetland, this new port of call, Edmund V set course for the Faroe Islands, in order to secure a solid supply line for his operation towards Iceland. As happened in Shetland, the few inhabitants of the islands surrendered without resistance, becoming a possession of Scotland, among their traditional displays of joy and happiness by throwing stones at the boats docked on the coast.
The conquest of Shetland and the Faroe Islands, despite securing ports of refuge and a valuable supply line for the BOATS campaign in Iceland, presented certain inconveniences for Edmund V. Basically, his little desire to go there in person. But also the underdevelopment of the islands and their Pictish inhabitants, who still lived grouped in tribal clans. After much thought, he decided that he would appoint a nobleman from among the Picts, to whom he would give the title of Duke of Orkney, and entrust with the government of those cold and poor islands. The chosen one was a young man, named Paul, of a rather discreet profile, who could easily play the bass lines of day-to-day management.
So, Edmund V summoned the young man to Edinburgh, and in a brief ceremony, made him Duke.
- Lord Paul MacOrkney, do you swear to serve the kingdom of Scotland, your King Edmund V, and House Blackader faithfully?
- Yes, Your Royal Highness.
- Then, by divine grace, I grant you the Duchy of Orkney, a honour that you will have to protect with your life, if necessary.
The new duke remained silent for a moment...
- Is there anything wrong, Lord MacOrkney?
- My King, yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away, but suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be. There's a shadow hanging over me, now I need a place to hide away.
- Do not worry, Lord MacOrkney, I am not planning to invade again those tiny and penurious islands and revoke your title ... it looks as though you're here to stay.
And this is how House MacOrkney saw its fame and prestige increase, being considered one of the Great Houses of Scotland.
A Waldensian Uprising, dissatisfied with Bishop Reginald's evangelical labor, took up arms against the king. Their first victim was Bishop Reginald himself, who was murdered while blessing the young women at the brothel. Led by a peasant named Hugh, they also attempted to storm Jedburgh Castle.
Edmund V could not allow the murder of bishops with impunity - unless he ordered it - nor could he allow the assault on Royal properties or the horrendous crime of unpaid taxes. With the mobilization of Stirling's troops, the rebellion was quickly suppressed and its leader received an exemplary punishment: Hugh was boiled to death.
Religious unrest in Scotland slowed the campaign toward Iceland. After literally boiling the instigator of the Waldesian revolt, Edmund V resumed his objective and set his fleet heading north again.
In 910, the BOATS finally sighted land north of the Faroes. It was undoubtedly the mysterious island of ice and fire about which so little was known. The landing was not well received by the inhabitants, who were no longer Irish hermits but fierce Norsemen.
While Edmund V was fighting in Iceland, Duke Reginald Darling of Galloway was assassinated by a rabble of angry populace over taxation. His son, Lord Peter Darling, inherited the duchy and the uncomfortable position of Steward.
The long absence of Edmund V plunged his faithful vassal Lionel Melchett, Duke of the Isles, into a depression, eventually causing him to die of grief. His son, Lord Cecil Melchett, succeeded him to the duchy and to the office of Chancellor.
Edmund V, after enduring the harsh climate of Iceland - and the equally harsh cunning plans of Lord Baldrick - was given the nickname 'the Resilient' for his ability to overcome such adversities.
Pope Ioannes IX, leader of all Catholic faithful, died of severe stress on February, 4th 913. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Ioannes X ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Pope Ioannes X, leader of all Catholic faithful, died a natural death on April, 22nd 913. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Callistus II ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
In 913, the House of Baldrick requested permission to build a new castle at Forteviot, Scone. Edmund V, busy in Iceland, did not want to know the details and simply collected the taxes for major works.
After a long conversation with his horse, who merely nodded and neighed, Edmund V decided to appoint Glitterhoof as Chancellor; the most loyal friend he had ever had - and the only one who had never made a fool of him so far. In order to be able to properly present Glitterhoof before the council, he also ordered a custom-made Ornate Steed Armor.
While much of the Scottish army continued to fight in Iceland, the Norse Anundr attacked Edinburgh. Fortunately, Nicholas Blackadder was able to repel the attack with the men who had remained in the garrison.
On November 20, 915, the king's first grandson was born, ensuring another generation of Blackadders on the throne. Needless to say, he was named Edmund and would reign - if there were no surprises - as the seventh of his name.
Distracted by the battles of Iceland, Edmund V paid not enough attention to the new 'cunning idea' of his Marshal, Lord Arthur Baldrick III. The plan, called Trumpets of Doom, consisted of attempting to collapse enemy defensive walls and towers by sounding war trumpets. The ridicule was absolute, and the expense in trumpets exorbitant. However, Lord Baldrick did not see it as a failure, but as a success without prize.
King Edmund V of Scotland died of Cancer, aged 54, on February, 14th 917. Born with an 'unparalleled genious' he was always looking for new problems to solve and new opportunities to tax. His remains now rest in a carved stone tomb within the crypt of Saint Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh. The epitaph reads: HERE LIES EDMUND BLACKADDER V 'THE RESILIENT' - KING OF SCOTLAND - HE FOLLOWED THE WISE ADVICE OF HIS HORSE UNTIL HIS DEATH - AD CMXVII.
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Perhaps the Blackadders should try to elevate a Baldrick to the Papal throne
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The risks of a Baldrick Pope excommunicating all of Christendom (himself included) are too high... even for a Blackadder.Perhaps the Blackadders should try to elevate a Baldrick to the Papal throne
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Ah, the famous Saint Idnerth, patron saint of... I don't know actually (I'm guessing this saint is an AI character that was declared a saint after their death).
The replaced Chancellor can't be too thrilled.
The most important part, of course.
How about Norwegian Wood?
Unfortunately, Edmund has a ticket to ride back to Edinburgh. He'd love to help, but can't.
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Indeed, AI can have its saints too. Hallelujah, Hallelujah!
Blackadders are not from Norway but maybe will need to import lumber for their expanding fleet...
Yeah, he got to get back to where he once belonged...
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Chapter VII : Lord Edmund Blackadder VI 'the Cruel' - King of Scotland and Duke of Edinburgh (917-932)
CHAPTER VII : LORD EDMUND BLACKADDER VI 'THE CRUEL' - KING OF SCOTLAND AND DUKE OF EDINBURGH (917-932)
Lord Edmund Blackadder VI, son of the late King Edmund V, was the next on the succession line. A fortune builder with many skills - most of them of doubtful use. He inherited an expanding kingdom and a nearly frozen army fighting in Iceland for the dream of a lunatic king.
In an extravagant ceremony on May 1st, 917 Pope Callistus II proclaimed Edmund Blackadder VI as King of Scotland before God and men. The ceremony was attended by Kings Vuodo II of France and Galam of Austrasia, not as a show of appreciation, but to personally verify that the infamous Edmund V was finally no longer in this world.
King Edmund VI held a grand tournament, inviting all the great lords and knights of the realm. Glitterhoof, the Chancellor of the Realm, ended its days on the tournament field, in a glorious death impaled by a cavalry lance. The fine steed was replaced by Duke Peter Darling of Galloway, both as Chancellor and as royal mount, but this latter proved impractical and a horse was used again.
King Edmund VI of Scotland made a pious pilgrimage to Santiago. The reasons for the pilgrimage were never entirely clear, although it was rumored at court that the king had expressed little desire to resume the campaign in Iceland and preferred to go south and enjoy the sunny weather... just to discover that in Galicia it actually rains as much or more than in Scotland...
On April 20th, 919, Edmund VI received news of the birth of his second son, Edmond. A bright and capable child - within the possibilities of the Blackadder dynasty.
The army of Scotland, commanded by Lord Mark Blackadder, was victorious in the battle of Höfn against the armies of Sæmundr. King Edmund VI wanted to make sure the Icelandic norsemen understood the message, and ordered having him hanged, drawn and quartered, before the survivors of the battle. A glorious moment according to Edmund VI - a grotesque image for the rest of those present.
King Edmund VI of Scotland, through deeds and character, came to be known as King Edmund VI 'the Cruel' - especially among the Icelandic norsemen, who also alternated calling him 'Son of a thousand milks and a horrendous mother'.
The year 921 was the last for our vassal Lord Alan Flashheart, Duke of Man. Bored of his insubstantial existence, he decided to explore the possibilities of human flight on one of the cliffs. The possibilities, in short, were zero. His son, Lord Albert Flashheart, inherited the duchy and the family's traditional recklessness.
Twelve years after the first landing in Iceland, the Norse resistance was finally defeated, and Edmund VI took possession of the entire island his lunatic father had dreamed of so much. To reinforce his news domains, immediately began the construction of defensive castles in Reykjavík, Höfn, Akureyri and Hvamm.
After 30 years of costly construction and minor accidents - not so minor for workers at heights without safety net - Stage II of St. Giles Cathedral was completed. Just in time to celebrate the Solemn Thanksgiving Mass for the conquest of Iceland.
On September 20th, 922 Edward Blackadder was born, the king's third son and the remote heir to the throne if all the previous ones failed in survival - something that could never be ruled out in Blackadder's court.
In the year 923, King Edmund Blackadder VI decreed it illegal for any inheritance to leave the realm - should a noble die heirless, the Crown would graciously relieve them of their burden by keeping it. As Edmund put it: Why let wealth rot in a grave when it can rot in the royal coffers?
Lord Edwyn Blackadder, brother to the King, married Duchess Irmele Berthilding of Baden - an alliance forged in diplomacy, sealed with awkward toasts, and remembered mostly for the three-day feast during which Lord Edwyn mistook his father-in-law for the butler.
In need of a governor for Iceland - and with no desire whatsoever to go himself - King Edmund VI recalled a young sailor he had met during the cold voyages between Scotland and Iceland years ago. The lad had dreamed aloud of owning a ship, ruling a remote island, and living wild adventures. He seemed perfect. A new young Duke was appointed, though with a rather strange name: Guybrush Threepwood.
In 924, a measles epidemic swept through Scotland. The Court physicians blamed 'bad humours' and too much porridge. Lord Baldrick suggested wrapping everyone in turnip greens. Thankfully, the Queen suggested quarantine instead - leading to fewer deaths and, incomprehensibly to Baldrick, no free turnips.
In 925, construction began on the central nave of St. Giles' Cathedral, aiming to transform it into a Grand Basilica. The King declared it a place fit for saints, kings, and slightly confused pilgrims; while Baldrick thought 'basilica' was a type of Italian aromatic herb and tried to eat the blueprints.
Early in 926, Edmund VI began experiencing itching and rashes, which he blamed on fleas. He ordered his chamber (and all the court ladies) thoroughly disinfected. Unfortunately, it was measles. Only after attempting to fumigate the royal wig did he reluctantly consult the physicians.
Fortunately, the illness proved mild and the king made a swift recovery - much like the general population, as the epidemic mysteriously vanished from the realm. A miracle, said the Church. Coincidence, said the doctors. Fleas, insisted the king.
To please the bishops – and because the cold draft from the open window landed squarely on the royal pew – Edmund VI funded a splendid stained-glass window at St. Giles' Cathedral. A pious gesture indeed, though some say it was more about keeping his royal behind warm than saving souls.
Crown Prince Edmund Blackadder, ever the charmer when it suited him, took Lady Margaret Darling, daughter of Earl Lionel of Carrick, as his lawful wife. The ceremony was grand, the feast excessive, and the bride radiant - though many noted she blinked suspiciously often, perhaps questioning her life choices already.
Duke Arthur Baldrick III, in a rare moment of what appeared to be piety, ordered the construction of a new church in Dundee, County of Scone. When asked why, he replied it was part of a 'cunning plan' to get Sundays off. The clergy were pleased, the peasants taxed, and Baldrick confused the altar with a cheese shelf.
A boy named Fulk claimed to see Jesus in dreams and rallied children for a Crusade. King Edmund VI, having once dreamed about a goat-bishop, was not easily impressed. Declaring Fulk a lunatic, the King refused to sponsor the endeavour - though he did keep the boy’s map, which made a lovely table mat.
In the blessed year of 930, King Edmund VI of Scotland launched a Holy War against the Norse king Anundr, aiming to 'liberate' Ulster. In true Blackadder fashion, liberation meant annexation, conquest, and a new tax on seaweed.
Duke Arthur Baldrick III met his end slipping on a trout during a ceremonial fishing contest. He was promptly succeeded by his son, Arthur Baldrick IV, who inherited both the Duchy of Albany and the post of Marshall. The trout, reportedly, was cooked in his honour - though some said it deserved the dukedom more.
Word reached Edinburgh that young Fulk and his band of would-be Crusaders were stranded in Genoa, patiently awaiting a divine miracle to part the sea. Days passed. Then weeks. The sea, displaying remarkable stubbornness, refused to budge. Locals began charging them rent. Fulk called it a test of faith; others called it idiocy.
King Edmund VI 'the Cruel' emerged victorious in his Holy War. Belfast and Derry were annexed into the kingdom, though Edmund insisted it was more of a 'generous invitation with swords'. Locals were overjoyed, at least until the new taxes on rain and mist were announced.
In the Year of Our Lord 931, Pope Callistus II called for a grand Crusade to liberate Jerusalem from the hands of the infidel. King Edmund VI, upon hearing the news, pondered deeply whether to stay safe in Scotland or to use it as a cunning plan to get rid of surplus younger sons and troublesome nobles.
Duke Peter Darling of Galloway, whose political acumen was only rivaled by his complete inability to find his own trousers, finally succumbed to the ravages of time. His son, Peter II, a man of even fewer talents and less ambition, was promptly installed as Duke, much to the chagrin of everyone who had hoped for a better future.
Duke Cecil Melchett of The Isles was appointed Chancellor, proving that doing nothing could still be a grand achievement. With his motto 'Why do anything when you can do nothing and still take credit?' he quickly became a master of delegation and incompetence.
Fulk, once hailed as a visionary child Crusader, was finally abandoned by his followers after the sea refused to part. He ended his days as a ragged beggar in the streets of Genoa, yelling dire warnings about the End of Days and preaching the Word of Jesus to pigeons, rats, and, occasionally, confused drunkards.
Pope Callistus II, leader of all Catholic faithful, died a natural death on February, 27th 932. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Urbanus II ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Pope Urbanus II, eager to keep the Crusade momentum going, confirmed his predecessor's call. He spent the following months preparing the campaign, primarily by sending out endless letters, making speeches, and perfecting his ability to appear deeply concerned while doing nothing.
King Edmund VI of Scotland died of poor health, aged 39, on March 9th, 932. Preceded by his lunatic father, his major accomplishment was not losing his mind. His remains now rest in a carved stone tomb within the crypt of Saint Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh. The epitaph reads: EDMUND BLACKADDER VI 'THE CRUEL' – KING OF SCOTLAND – CONQUERED ICELAND WITH HIS FROZEN HEART – AD CMXXXII.
Lord Edmund Blackadder VI, son of the late King Edmund V, was the next on the succession line. A fortune builder with many skills - most of them of doubtful use. He inherited an expanding kingdom and a nearly frozen army fighting in Iceland for the dream of a lunatic king.
In an extravagant ceremony on May 1st, 917 Pope Callistus II proclaimed Edmund Blackadder VI as King of Scotland before God and men. The ceremony was attended by Kings Vuodo II of France and Galam of Austrasia, not as a show of appreciation, but to personally verify that the infamous Edmund V was finally no longer in this world.
King Edmund VI held a grand tournament, inviting all the great lords and knights of the realm. Glitterhoof, the Chancellor of the Realm, ended its days on the tournament field, in a glorious death impaled by a cavalry lance. The fine steed was replaced by Duke Peter Darling of Galloway, both as Chancellor and as royal mount, but this latter proved impractical and a horse was used again.
King Edmund VI of Scotland made a pious pilgrimage to Santiago. The reasons for the pilgrimage were never entirely clear, although it was rumored at court that the king had expressed little desire to resume the campaign in Iceland and preferred to go south and enjoy the sunny weather... just to discover that in Galicia it actually rains as much or more than in Scotland...
On April 20th, 919, Edmund VI received news of the birth of his second son, Edmond. A bright and capable child - within the possibilities of the Blackadder dynasty.
The army of Scotland, commanded by Lord Mark Blackadder, was victorious in the battle of Höfn against the armies of Sæmundr. King Edmund VI wanted to make sure the Icelandic norsemen understood the message, and ordered having him hanged, drawn and quartered, before the survivors of the battle. A glorious moment according to Edmund VI - a grotesque image for the rest of those present.
King Edmund VI of Scotland, through deeds and character, came to be known as King Edmund VI 'the Cruel' - especially among the Icelandic norsemen, who also alternated calling him 'Son of a thousand milks and a horrendous mother'.
The year 921 was the last for our vassal Lord Alan Flashheart, Duke of Man. Bored of his insubstantial existence, he decided to explore the possibilities of human flight on one of the cliffs. The possibilities, in short, were zero. His son, Lord Albert Flashheart, inherited the duchy and the family's traditional recklessness.
Twelve years after the first landing in Iceland, the Norse resistance was finally defeated, and Edmund VI took possession of the entire island his lunatic father had dreamed of so much. To reinforce his news domains, immediately began the construction of defensive castles in Reykjavík, Höfn, Akureyri and Hvamm.
After 30 years of costly construction and minor accidents - not so minor for workers at heights without safety net - Stage II of St. Giles Cathedral was completed. Just in time to celebrate the Solemn Thanksgiving Mass for the conquest of Iceland.
On September 20th, 922 Edward Blackadder was born, the king's third son and the remote heir to the throne if all the previous ones failed in survival - something that could never be ruled out in Blackadder's court.
In the year 923, King Edmund Blackadder VI decreed it illegal for any inheritance to leave the realm - should a noble die heirless, the Crown would graciously relieve them of their burden by keeping it. As Edmund put it: Why let wealth rot in a grave when it can rot in the royal coffers?
Lord Edwyn Blackadder, brother to the King, married Duchess Irmele Berthilding of Baden - an alliance forged in diplomacy, sealed with awkward toasts, and remembered mostly for the three-day feast during which Lord Edwyn mistook his father-in-law for the butler.
In need of a governor for Iceland - and with no desire whatsoever to go himself - King Edmund VI recalled a young sailor he had met during the cold voyages between Scotland and Iceland years ago. The lad had dreamed aloud of owning a ship, ruling a remote island, and living wild adventures. He seemed perfect. A new young Duke was appointed, though with a rather strange name: Guybrush Threepwood.
In 924, a measles epidemic swept through Scotland. The Court physicians blamed 'bad humours' and too much porridge. Lord Baldrick suggested wrapping everyone in turnip greens. Thankfully, the Queen suggested quarantine instead - leading to fewer deaths and, incomprehensibly to Baldrick, no free turnips.
In 925, construction began on the central nave of St. Giles' Cathedral, aiming to transform it into a Grand Basilica. The King declared it a place fit for saints, kings, and slightly confused pilgrims; while Baldrick thought 'basilica' was a type of Italian aromatic herb and tried to eat the blueprints.
Early in 926, Edmund VI began experiencing itching and rashes, which he blamed on fleas. He ordered his chamber (and all the court ladies) thoroughly disinfected. Unfortunately, it was measles. Only after attempting to fumigate the royal wig did he reluctantly consult the physicians.
Fortunately, the illness proved mild and the king made a swift recovery - much like the general population, as the epidemic mysteriously vanished from the realm. A miracle, said the Church. Coincidence, said the doctors. Fleas, insisted the king.
To please the bishops – and because the cold draft from the open window landed squarely on the royal pew – Edmund VI funded a splendid stained-glass window at St. Giles' Cathedral. A pious gesture indeed, though some say it was more about keeping his royal behind warm than saving souls.
Crown Prince Edmund Blackadder, ever the charmer when it suited him, took Lady Margaret Darling, daughter of Earl Lionel of Carrick, as his lawful wife. The ceremony was grand, the feast excessive, and the bride radiant - though many noted she blinked suspiciously often, perhaps questioning her life choices already.
Duke Arthur Baldrick III, in a rare moment of what appeared to be piety, ordered the construction of a new church in Dundee, County of Scone. When asked why, he replied it was part of a 'cunning plan' to get Sundays off. The clergy were pleased, the peasants taxed, and Baldrick confused the altar with a cheese shelf.
A boy named Fulk claimed to see Jesus in dreams and rallied children for a Crusade. King Edmund VI, having once dreamed about a goat-bishop, was not easily impressed. Declaring Fulk a lunatic, the King refused to sponsor the endeavour - though he did keep the boy’s map, which made a lovely table mat.
In the blessed year of 930, King Edmund VI of Scotland launched a Holy War against the Norse king Anundr, aiming to 'liberate' Ulster. In true Blackadder fashion, liberation meant annexation, conquest, and a new tax on seaweed.
Duke Arthur Baldrick III met his end slipping on a trout during a ceremonial fishing contest. He was promptly succeeded by his son, Arthur Baldrick IV, who inherited both the Duchy of Albany and the post of Marshall. The trout, reportedly, was cooked in his honour - though some said it deserved the dukedom more.
Word reached Edinburgh that young Fulk and his band of would-be Crusaders were stranded in Genoa, patiently awaiting a divine miracle to part the sea. Days passed. Then weeks. The sea, displaying remarkable stubbornness, refused to budge. Locals began charging them rent. Fulk called it a test of faith; others called it idiocy.
King Edmund VI 'the Cruel' emerged victorious in his Holy War. Belfast and Derry were annexed into the kingdom, though Edmund insisted it was more of a 'generous invitation with swords'. Locals were overjoyed, at least until the new taxes on rain and mist were announced.
In the Year of Our Lord 931, Pope Callistus II called for a grand Crusade to liberate Jerusalem from the hands of the infidel. King Edmund VI, upon hearing the news, pondered deeply whether to stay safe in Scotland or to use it as a cunning plan to get rid of surplus younger sons and troublesome nobles.
Duke Peter Darling of Galloway, whose political acumen was only rivaled by his complete inability to find his own trousers, finally succumbed to the ravages of time. His son, Peter II, a man of even fewer talents and less ambition, was promptly installed as Duke, much to the chagrin of everyone who had hoped for a better future.
Duke Cecil Melchett of The Isles was appointed Chancellor, proving that doing nothing could still be a grand achievement. With his motto 'Why do anything when you can do nothing and still take credit?' he quickly became a master of delegation and incompetence.
Fulk, once hailed as a visionary child Crusader, was finally abandoned by his followers after the sea refused to part. He ended his days as a ragged beggar in the streets of Genoa, yelling dire warnings about the End of Days and preaching the Word of Jesus to pigeons, rats, and, occasionally, confused drunkards.
Pope Callistus II, leader of all Catholic faithful, died a natural death on February, 27th 932. After a few days of tense confinement in Rome, the College of Cardinals finally elected the new Holy Father. Thus, Pope Urbanus II ascended to the papal throne as Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, Primate of Italy, Archpriest of the Holy Roman Church, Sovereign of the Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God.
Pope Urbanus II, eager to keep the Crusade momentum going, confirmed his predecessor's call. He spent the following months preparing the campaign, primarily by sending out endless letters, making speeches, and perfecting his ability to appear deeply concerned while doing nothing.
King Edmund VI of Scotland died of poor health, aged 39, on March 9th, 932. Preceded by his lunatic father, his major accomplishment was not losing his mind. His remains now rest in a carved stone tomb within the crypt of Saint Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh. The epitaph reads: EDMUND BLACKADDER VI 'THE CRUEL' – KING OF SCOTLAND – CONQUERED ICELAND WITH HIS FROZEN HEART – AD CMXXXII.
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Thanks for the latest chapter. Seems you can never have enough crusades, even if one ends in Italy before ever really taking off.
Finally, a bit of housekeeping....
Congratulations again on this fine work, as it was named to this week's AAR Showcase.
You may or may not be aware that now you get to name the next winner, and according to the guidelines, that should happen in the next day or so.
Thank you for all the chuckles and laughs so far.
Certainly one of the best lines in this latest chapter, at least for me. Definitely appreciating your mirth-filled rendering of history.
Perfect epitaph. Also, loving the artwork you are using to accompany your comedy. What platform are you using? Also, what are you using to get the very nice font work? Is that an extra layer or part of the original work?
Finally, a bit of housekeeping....
Congratulations again on this fine work, as it was named to this week's AAR Showcase.
You may or may not be aware that now you get to name the next winner, and according to the guidelines, that should happen in the next day or so.
Thank you for all the chuckles and laughs so far.
I use Microsoft Copilot (free website version) and for this last chapter added "style illustratated manuscript" in all prompts. The font work came together on the original work. Last image (king tomb) was generated by prompting "style realistic" so it looked diferent from the previous.
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