Avis Caveam Sector is a grand addition to the Hauteville Empire, even if it's full of grumpy birds. They will learn... or we're sure to eventually have a corrupt ruler who can purge a few pests here or there. 
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Culling the Competition
or how Normans made a new enemy
or how Normans made a new enemy
The conquest of Plex-Cradonian Sovereign States meant that the Normans were no longer boxed in. Quite the opposite, there were now ample opportunities for exploration and expansion. First were the scientists. Their ships upgraded with ion drives, meaning slightly faster flight in subspace, they were all eager to get and go out there, seeking out new wonders. Followed by construction ships, taking advantage of their finds. This will keep up for years to come, until all nearby stars are both mapped and exploited. To be fair, Normans inherited a lot of Plex-Cradoninan mining and research stations as well, their crews given a choice between spacing and keeping working for Normans.
The best example is discovery made in Plex-Cradonian home system. In Klaht, a barren world situated in the furthest reaches of the system, Paseka Hauteville-Kumato found something there. Something hard to describe. Something alive, by the very broad definition of it. They were organic, they were drifting in the atmosphere of the planet and they were totally undiscovered by Plex-Cradonians. Yet another mystery of the galaxy. And there was more to be had. The galaxy was still full of wonders and Normans had just got a taste.
One of the planets in Cradonia system had a really nice surprise in store for Normans
Diplomacy
The destruction of Plex-Cradonia left Hauteville Empire short of rivals. Very short of rivals. The thing is- since there were so many Xenophobes around, the choice was actually quite simple. The previous rivals were Jusstkans or the angry pigs and the Cynn Empire, chosen mostly because they were rivals of Fex’Klangas. Well, both xenophobic and both had something nasty to say about Hauteville Empire, humans and Normans.
Same applies to Djomar. Three-system isolationist bastards. Resembling flying ticks. Living on ocean worlds. Not smart enough to keep their mouth shut about the Normans and their ways of life. Not the strongest, but times or tough. These will do.
First rivals
Qiramulan Council is situated next to Cynn Empire, in the other galactic arm. Quite a distance from Hauteville Empire, but they are one of the strongest players in this part of galaxy. Again, xenophobes, with knack for science. Arthropods, having somehow survived the arctic conditions of their homeworld, having somehow developed intelligence and having somehow got into space, they are a worthy opponent.
Second rivals. The distance is greater, but the enemy is actually stronger
In fact, the Qiramulan Council declared war on the Cynn Empire a few month after the Normans had taken the Plex-Cradonians. War between two of them broke out in May 2230. We’ll see how it goes further on.
Two Norman rivals fighting each other. Perfect!
On happier news, the Fex’Klangans, Norman allies, made a proposition to allow migrations across the borders. To be fair, Normans were not really interested in their worlds. Tundras were not the Norman preference by far. On the other hand, Fex’Klangans were known for their adaptability- they were able to live in much worse conditions than Normans or any other known species. And they had expressed interest in Plex-Cradonian worlds. The Normans were not disagreeing- after all, Fex’Klangans were more like Normans in their ethos and having them as subjects instead of the angry birds seemed like a step up.
You are welcome, Fex'Klangans
Fate of Imari
At the same time, there war between Jusstkan Galactic Coalition and the nice birds called Interstellar Imari Sovereignty had come to an end, again just a few month after the Normans defeated Plex-Cradonians. It was as predicted, unfortunately. For the Imari were nice. Angry pigs were not. Nor were they bevenolent conquers.
The Jusstkans have 9 worlds, Hautevilles 10.
The Jusstkan instituted an information quarantine, but as always, you cannot control everything. Independent traders, diplomats from other nations, some lucky birds that got away. There was talk of atrocities, Jusstkan finding the Imari eggs and smashing them. Random shootings. Heartbreaking videos of Jusstkan gathering up the poor birds, then sending them to slavery, separating families, not caring about the flocks.
The Normans condemned the practice. To be fair, Normans were conquerors too. But they were different kind- integrate, don’t destroy. Try to keep civilians alive and allow them to keep to their way of life. If Hauteville soldier tried something like the Jusstkan did, he would end up court-marshalled and most likely shot. No eggs were smashed in the Norman invasion, no civilians shot. Nothing of the sort. Of course, Plex-Cradonians didn’t really appreciate it. But at least, the humans could sleep at nights.
Official stance of the Hauteville Empire was to cut any ties with the Jusstkans. The Jusstkan ambassador was departed from Kalahari desert and sent home. Not that the pig even understood much, dead drunk was his normal condition. Only on board the ship, where he discovered that the cursed Normans had “mixed” up his crates of booze with fresh water, he understood what was going on. And he cursed. All the trade connections, as little as there was, were severed. Also, Normans declared that they’d be accepting any Imari refugees, though there were not that many. Around 40 000 managed to get through the Jusstkan territory and enter the Norman lands, where they were accepted and taken care of.
Just a reminder- these were Imari before being conquered by the Jusstkan
Jusstkans were a bit stronger now. They still were something closest to the threat Humans had.
Star Kingdom of Estonia
Or Star Kingdom of Alpha Centauri, for it was agreed that the name of this system would not be changes. Official term was Estonia, but in reality, both were used interchangeably. Not that it mattered much. New Tallinn was a small planet, still half-way cleared from resources and not really going to play any significant part in the future of the Empire. But, Alpha Centauri II is a desert world, still uncolonizable, but much bigger. Perhaps, in the future, Star Kingdom of Estonia will become something more. As for now, new King was Õnnelemb Hauteville-Jüriöö, firstborn of King Pikne of Estonia.
Star Kingdom of Estonia, up and running. Still needs a lot of work
More Science
Bureaucracy that helps instead of hindering? This is something unheard of. Also, term “nimble” used with the word “bureaucracy” and not at all with ironic term? Impossible, you say? Possible, say Norman scientists. Delegating half of the tasks to AI is the magic word here.
And here i was thinking that "nimble" and "bureaucracy" were oxymorons
Confederated Zithorian Constituents
Just north from freshly conquered Plex-Cradonians, Normans found a new species. They called themselves Zithorans, and they were goddamn ugly bugs. Well, to them, humans were also goddamn ugly mammals, but that is universe for you. They were actually deeply pacifistic collectivists, living under peaceful bureaucracy. And as usual around here, they hated aliens. Norman attempts to communicate were met with insults and contempt. Perhaps not the smartest thing to do if you are talking to an Empire that is superior to you in all possible ways, but their choice. They controlled three worlds and were not the great power they themselves thought they were.
So unneighborly greeting...
“These are no threat to us,” Emma remarked at the meeting with Tien Hauteville-Shen, the Councillor of the Empire and rest of the cabinet, plus other dignitaries of the Empire.
“Yes, Empress and no, Empress” it was Minister of Colonization who replied instead. “They are special in one way that makes them a threat to us.”
“Oh?”
“Zithorans are the only species known to us who live in the same kind of world as we do,” he continued. “Their homeworld, Zithoria, is similar to Earth. Their neighbourhood has several continental planets.”
“So?”
“So, we compete for the same worlds as them. Not only continental, but for tropical and ocean worlds as well. And they already have one of the colonizable moons, Okul IIa, in their scope. It was supposed to be our world, not theirs!”
“Plus, Okul Ia has rich deposits of Betharian stone,” Minister of Resources added. “We need as much as possible- the energy situation is not as good as it could be.”
Emma leaned forward: “So, you are proposing war against the Zithorans because they inhabit the continental worlds and that Okul system has Betharian stones?”
Tien Hauteville-Shen, who had remained silent until this point, simply said “Yes”
“Grand!” Emma beamed. “This is the spirit that allowed us to take Earth, good to see it is still here”
Then, she gazed at Admiral Julia Hauteville-Krüger. “Can we do it?” she asked.
Julia, bored of the meeting and up to her third glass of wine, just grinned and, took a sip and told: “Easier then ‘em birds”
“In this case, you have my blessing!” Emma beamed. “Bring the Hauteville Flag to their capital and subjugate the... pacifistic bugs”
The result- in 11th August 2230, even before a year had passed from previous war, the Normans were on warpath once again. This time, the Fex’Klangans were promised a world. And the poor Zithorans were really surprised.
... because repulsive yapping coming from human mouth sounds like an expulsion of fluids from a lesser species at Zithoria and will be treated accordingly, you douche!
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Not even a year passes and the Hauteville Empire finds itself at war once again. But then again, the aliens should quit their yapping. And... conquest is the Norman way, after all!
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons, places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.
No Plex-Cradonians were harmed in the writing of this AAR
:d
Don't tempt me! :d That is taking it too far!
They will learn. I don't even have the option to purge- i have to be collectivist for that.
Heh, thanks. The latter sounds like "Hurrah! We have implemented form 6499.24.b.II in our procedures
Glorious.
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons, places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.
No Plex-Cradonians were harmed in the writing of this AAR
:d
Don't tempt me! :d That is taking it too far!
Avis Caveam Sector is a grand addition to the Hauteville Empire, even if it's full of grumpy birds. They will learn... or we're sure to eventually have a corrupt ruler who can purge a few pests here or there.
They will learn. I don't even have the option to purge- i have to be collectivist for that.
Hurrah! Glorious victory and new administrative areas.
Heh, thanks. The latter sounds like "Hurrah! We have implemented form 6499.24.b.II in our procedures
Noooo! Start the boar hunt, leave the incredibly freaky bugs for later! Those poor peacefull... what are they, puffins with teeth?
Also, you said the Normans condoned the pigs' behavior, I think you meant condemned. Cause they are opposites.
Also, you said the Normans condoned the pigs' behavior, I think you meant condemned. Cause they are opposites.
With their size, it would be smart for the bugs to buddy up with a bigger empire before they got stomped. Better to have an easy war and a tougher war than two tougher wars. And for that tougher war, it doesn't hurt to have a little target practice.
The new rivals against the Hauteville Empire better be careful now that you've taken a liking to fighting wars in space. Not too surprising, considering your history.
I had not see the "But... w-why?" response to war before. That is hilarious and I almost feel bad for them.
I had not see the "But... w-why?" response to war before. That is hilarious and I almost feel bad for them.
Nice! I like it
Thanks!
This is simple. The pigs are boxed in, we have totally different planets, so we actually don't compete with each other. Yet. With the bugs, there is just the thing- they will eat up any nice worlds that are suitable for me as well in the short-term. So, i better stomp them out first. Not like the pigs are going anywhere! And i have no idea what they are supposed to be..
And thanks for pointing the condoning out!
Well, too late for bugs. They will get stomped. And if the only buddy around is xenophobic and you are xenophobic, then the Normans must be a much bigger threat for them to find any common ground...
Heh, old habits die hard, they say. And once a conquering Norman, always a conquering Norman.
And i've gotten a few. Perhaps you have always been so nice as not to attack unsuspecting pacifist Empires?
And the Normans run rampant across the galaxy, smashing boars and birds alike. Good times
Normans are Coming!
Or how the enemy reacts to Norman presence in their home system
The Meeting
Or how the enemy reacts to Norman presence in their home system
The Meeting
Panic spread in Zithras, the capital world of Confederated Zithoran Constituents. Norman fleet had just entered the system and moving on steady course towards the capital.
Norman fleet in the outskirts of the Zithoria System
“Who are they? What do they want?” demanded Coordinator Kul-Amg in the extended cabinet meeting. The tremble of his feelers and changing color of his chitin shell showed everyone how nervous he was. Not like the rest of the room was any different.
He was answered with silence and confused looks.
“Anyone?” Coordinator asked. “Igvi-Riem, are you leader of the Alien Affairs or not?”
“Coordinator, we have had just two contacts with them. First, we dealt with them according to Alien Communication Protocol subpage 56, paragraph 251, “Making it Obvious that the Further Communication with the Aliens is Undesirable”, section 14, “Dealing with Mammalians,” Igvi-Riem replied, looking nervously through the papers provided to him by his sub-bureaucrats.
Igvi-Riem raised his head and looked at the cabinet: “I would like to remind you that the initiation of “Insult the Mammalians, ensuring that the aforementioned Mammalians come to an understanding that Confederated Zithoran Constituents desires no further communications with the aforementioned Mammals” protocol from section 14-STFU was approved by everyone in this cabinet.”
Kul-Amg felt he had to intercede now: “And let us remember that the aforementioned protocol, with needed variations according to the species of the alien menace, “Insult the Avians and so on” protocol worked with our previous neighbours, the Plex-Cradonians, who replied with *removed from protocol* aliens *removed from protocol* can shove their *removed from protocol* to their *removed from protocol* and retreated from our borders.”
He took a deep breath and continued, his feelers trembling even more: “These so-called Normans acted also as predicted. Their ship changed course after receiving our communique and left the Okul system, not contesting our rightful claim over the system. We had all the right to believe our communication method was a success”
Igvi-Riem nodded “Of course, Coordinator. As we unanimously decreed that the diplomatic course we,” and emphasis was definitely on the word “we” here, “agreed upon to be taken by the Normans was achieving their desired results, leaving us alone.”
“Until exactly five month later, three weeks ago”, he continued, “We received another communique from the Normans, or the Hauteville Empire, as they call themselves. It took junior communication officer, who had been charged with monitoring the Norman communications, quite by surprise. It was just four words: “We are at War”. We thought it as a clerical error, for the primitive Normans cannot have as efficient government system as we, and after several staff meetings with my sub-bureaucrats, we had brought the Norman communique to the cabinet meeting to be discussed upon...”
One cabinet member cut in: “With recommendation of the Alien Affairs Office to ignore the declaration, because you,” very clear emphasis on “you” this time, “thought it was a miscommunication”
“Since the Normans did not reply to our communiques asking for further clarification on the issue nor did they initiate any further communications on their own, we assumed- and the cabinet agreed- that this was either the Norman version of “joke,” the feelers of Igvi-Rem twisted with disgust, forced to say such a nasty word, “or that they were declaring war on someone else and their officials were just too embarrassed to admit the mistake.”
“Or,” the one cutting in said. “As we can now see, it was a case of Normans not bothering to reply, because they were busy preparing for an invasion.”
“Still, not answering to communiques that have been clearly marked as answer needed,” Igvi-Rem jumped in again. “The whole council agreed upon it!”
And the fun begun...
The blame in bureaucratic offices is a marvellous thing. It never really sticks. If one could catch it in the bottle and sell it as a lubricant, the bureaucratic blame would replace all the oils, becoming kind of superlubricant. The next 90 minutes of the meeting saw the blame shifting from Alien Affairs to cabinet to Igvi-Rem, to his subordinates, to cabinet again, to Kul-Amg, for he was (not really) responsible for all the decisions of the government to Alien Affairs again and so on. At times, shifting the blame grew loud, feelings were hurt, insults were hurled. It lasted until the blame got tired and settled in. In the usual happy place were it would seem like it was collective fault, but no-one personally takes the blame, with a strong hint that only one to blame were the Normans, who failed to act according to correct procedures.
That settled, Kul-Amg continued with the point two: “So, who are the Normans?”
It was Igvi-Rem’s turn to see the papers again: “We still don’t know too much about them...”
He shifted through the papers, until he found just the one he was looking for. A single sheet... He looked it, put on his reading glasses and did a short recap: “They are mammals of some sort. They arrived to Tyl about three years ago, waging war on Plex-Cradonians. Since we considered it to be affair of the two aliens fighting amongst each other, our Office did not monitor the situation closely.”
“Yes, you were sitting on your asses, slurping slurm all day, we all know that”. The voice was of Qbr-Kuld, the only non-bureaucrat in the office. High Commander of Zithoran forces, and it was obvious that he didn’t like neither Igvi-Rem or the other fellows sitting around the table.
“Let me remind you that military personnel attending the cabinet meetings will speak only when allowed by the Coordinator or when spoken to by the cabinet member,” Igvi-Rem replied with high-pitched tone. Partially because Qbr-Kuld was so correct. Alien Affairs under xenophobic Empire that desired no contact with other aliens was cushy government job, where one could be sitting on your ass and slurp slurm all day. In fact, that is exactly what Igvi-Rem was doing most days.
Kul-Amg also interceded on behalf of Igvi-Rem, reprimanding Qbr-Kuld: “High Commander, please be seated. Your valuable input,” he someone managed to cringe the words. “Will be asked for later.”
Qbr-Kuld seated down, muttering to himself just loudly enough that the entire cabinet heard it: “Arsefucks. You’ll going to need the army and navy, not your stupid meetings”
“To our surprise,” Igvi-Rem continued, “The Hauteville Empire turned out to be successful and took over the Plex-Cradonians, whom we considered to be our equals in power, without any apparent effort.”
He took another gaze at the paper: “As i told before, Humans or Normans, they seem to be using the terms interchangeably, are mammals. They are not pleasing to the eye, looking like bigger and hairless version of the disgusting vermins we have on our planet. We don’t know the biological details of their species, for we don’t have specimens nor were the humans willing to share. We know that they have extensive Empire in the other spiral, but we don’t know the full strength of them. We know that they have this democracy system, where every citizen has a right to say about the everyday affairs of the government.”
Though they all had heard it before, the cabinet cringed in unison. Allowing average person to decide the important affairs of the state? This is... stupid beyond reason. After all, it takes skill and education and tact and knowledge of bureaucratic systems and more than a few meetings and years of consideration to come up with informed decisions about the life of an average citizen.
“In addition, they have a monarch with the absolute power, and they define themselves as the Hauteville Empire, ruled by Empress Emma I. Who is also elected by the populace, from very select list of candidates.”
“Allowing people to vote,” Kul-Amg said the word with disgust, “their leader is the most stupid thing i have heard of...”
All nodded.
“And...” Igvi-Rem continued with a sigh, “That is all we know of the Hauteville Empire. Aside from fact that they are aggressive and apparently don’t care about following proper communication protocols”
“So, what can we do about them?” Kul-Amg asked. “You may speak, High Commander Qbr-Kuld,” he added after a minute.
“Nothing.”
“Would you be so kind as to elaborate?”
“Their fleet outnumbers ours a more than 2:1. They have to big ships as well. Initial scans show that their ships are much better equipped than ours. Fleet battle with them would be suicide.”
“What should be do then?”
“They are coming anyway. They will smash the defences of Zithras and start orbital bombardment. Then, when they have bombed enough, they will start an invasion.”
It was as if the temperature in the meeting room had suddenly dropped below 0. Everyone felt the chill up their spine.
“This is warmongering and slander,” Kul-Amg raised his voice.
“It’s a fact,” Qbr-Kuld was not about to let himself cut off no more, so he raised his voice and started talking more rapidly “There is only one way we can come out of it as victors. These humans are using wormholes to travel. Meaning that they rely on wormhole stations. Most likely, there is one in Tyl. I could take the fleet, sail it to Tyl, destroy wormhole station and prevent building of another one. Now, i’m assuming that the humans have bulk of their fleet in Zithras system, meaning we are leaving it stranded there and raid nearby systems of resources until humans are forced to beg for surrender.”
“What about us? What about Zithras?” Kul-Amg asked?
“You get your chance to live for the people of Confederated Zithoran Constituents and you get your chance to die for the people of Confederated Zithoran Constituents, just like you have promised in your oaths!” the Zithras version of grinning was obvious in Qbr-Kuld’s face.
This turned the room into chaos. Shouts like “No way”, “Don’t you dare to abandon us”, “This is no time to be playing pirate”, “Leaving the homeworld defenceless? Traitors!” and so on, you imagine the tone.
Lasted until Kul-Amg himself took charge again. “First, you plan is unacceptable, Qbr-Kuld. You are to return to the fleet, and sail back to bolster the defence of the homeworld.”
He took a breath and continued: “Following the incidents, i propose the following procedure: First, we form a committee, led by Igvi-Rem, who overseers initiation of contact with the Normans and start of negotiations. Second, we form a committee, led by Head of Defence Office, Honourable Igvi-Leinad, who oversees allocation of needed resources to construction of additional ships and recruitment of additional soldiers. Third, we form another committee, led by me personally, to oversee the evacuation of higher level government officials and their families to planet Vul-Takren, in Caspadene System.”
There was murmur of agreement and after two days of tireless work, the proper wording was honed out and the formation of committees were given a green light by the cabinet. Confederated Zithoran Constituents had started their preparations for war.
The Attack
“This is Senior Official Obr-Pilx from Alien Affairs, Norman Department. I request reply to my previous message to the Norman leaders and would like to remind you that Confederated Zithoran Constituents are willing to open negotiations as per protocol 6423L-PLZ óf the Confederated Zithoran Constituents Alien Affairs protoco...”
“Admiral,” the weapons officer interrupted. Julia Hauteville-Krüger raised her head. Holocommunicator blabbered on, but no-one was paying any attention to it no more. “We are in range”
“Good,” said the Admiral. “Fire!”
Approacing the enemy spaceport
The ship shook as the mass drivers fired their slugs towards enemy. With satisfying thumps, they hit the enemy spaceport. No fleet around, and Normans felt confident.
“Fleet,” said admiral to intercom. “Close in and engage. Try to avoid enemy fire!”
The enemy fired back, yes. At least the didn’t just roll over and die, Julia noticed with satisfaction. The Norman ships took some hits, but the shields negated most of the damage.
HVT Columbus taking a full hit from the enemy mass cannons
One by one, the Norman ships reached the firing range. They unleashed their salvo, then changed course, unleashed their salvo again and apart from HTV Salvage, no single ship took any damage.
It was 19th May 2231 when the enemy spaceport was blown out of the sky. Norman fleet commenced orbital bombardment. As Norman shells dropped on their defences, Confederated Zithoran Constituents continued bombarding Normans with communiques. The war had really begun...
This is it- the first battle agains the enemy
There i was, thinking that hey, how about i write the war from enemy perspective a bit and got carried away. I hope this proves entertaining to you at least!
Desire to see new people and places and conquer them in the name of the Hauteville Empire is something that is in blood of the Normans!
Yes, especially the stammer. Makes you feel kind of sorry for them.
Boars still have it coming, but not yet! Good times indeed though!
It's good to see ancient Norman traditions adhered to.
Desire to see new people and places and conquer them in the name of the Hauteville Empire is something that is in blood of the Normans!
I really felt for the bugs when they stammered "w-why".
Yes, especially the stammer. Makes you feel kind of sorry for them.
And the Normans run rampant across the galaxy, smashing boars and birds alike. Good times
Boars still have it coming, but not yet!
Good times indeed though!Absolute masterpiece, well done! I love the Zithorians, here is to hoping they get to do all your budding space Empire's paperwork; I think they'd like that.
It was very entertaining. Can't wait for their surrender noteThere i was, thinking that hey, how about i write the war from enemy perspective a bit and got carried away. I hope this proves entertaining to you at least!
Desire to see new people and places and conquer them in the name of the Hauteville Empire is something that is in blood of the Normans!
Yes, especially the stammer. Makes you feel kind of sorry for them.
Boars still have it coming, but not yet!
A world of pure bureaucracy... I'd go mad. I feel bad for High Commander Qbr-Kuld. Seems like the only sane one in the room.
Paperwork is what separates us from the animals! Except of course the endangered Tuvan ring-tailed collating monkey, and the TPS Report Moth.
I'm sure these hardworking birds will find a niche working in the agencies, bureaus, and departments that keep the Normans running.
I'm sure these hardworking birds will find a niche working in the agencies, bureaus, and departments that keep the Normans running.
Great update! I couldn't help but think of the Asterix&Obelix episode about Roman bureaucracy with them running from office to office. I pictured the Zithorian High Command running around there as the Norman fleet closes by the day