Ged's Existential Nightmare

[TheButterflyComposer]

His wife is an atheist and a witch? And the Church doesn't care? What?

Well, we all think she's a witch on a meta level. But she's an out and out atheist in-game. It's her brief description at the top of her character sheet.

The Catholic Church rewarding the killing of not-Christian enough Christians...

Business as usual, I suppose.

Also, you should create your own heresy. If I remember this right, they said that you could do this in

We can. Our own religion too, if I can be bothered. Indeed, Ged himself only 'falsely converted' to traditional Catholicism apparently. So I can adopt heresy whenever I want. Its just that doing that leaves me very open to attack from places like England looking for free piety and prestige.

She needs a brother named Sue. How do you do!?

I left it up to the name generator paradox provided. For the next few babies, there is a definite theme going on...

Given the time period, if you go feudal, perhaps you could go Burgher King?

That's more Dutch Republic, but there are city states there in the 11th century so yes, could copy them. Its a shame paradox never simulated the burgundian low countries properly. One family did own the land and loyalty of everyone, but it was a collection of powerful city states rather than a feudal set-up. Very interesting.

Not very well explained at all, was it? Did a specific trait type thing occur afterwards?

Soulmates, which is sweet in a way I suppose. Its much deeper and stat boosting than lovers, and you can only have one in the game.

Ah. Urraka is a succubus and that was some poor Christian woman trying to warn Ged.

impossible. Ged is a good Christian ruler now. She must have been a heretic.

Mindless murder without real justification is no bar to that. No one ever expects the Irish Inquisition.

Especially not the Irish, it seems.

 

[El Pip]

This must have been a rush job however because a few days later Ged has already smashed the enemy army and sent them running to the briny depths.

So the enemy decided to send seven knights against hundreds of armoured footmen,
whilst we sent our knights after a few dozen peasants in sacks.
Somehow we keep winning despite losing the same amount of men​

​

None of those numbers match or add up in any way. The total' don't match the numbers below and apparently Ged's army killed a different number of people that the enemy lost, and vice-versa.

I can only assume some random peasants wandered onto the battlefield and got killed by accident. Or perhaps they are counting cows as 'kills'? Certainly I understand most Irish lords valued their cattle far higher than their peasants.

The stabby intruder even seemed clear enough to me, Ged stabbed a would-be-assassin to death while his wife just... watched... him do it from the window. Why a female assassin? Well as established Ged is "Lightening under the sheets" and nothing makes a woman more excited than a man who can float under very specific circumstances, so it was clearly a jealous rival who decided is she couldn't have floaty-Ged no-one could and tried to puncture him.

Oh, and Urraka is pregnant now. Nothing like shanking someone to get the bedroom juices flowing, I guess.

A child born of lust, blood, passion, jealousy, murder, blood, voyeurism and highly situational leviation. And blood. I expect great things of that child.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

None of those numbers match or add up in any way.

Yeah, I was setting up to do an analysis in the picture description of how the various army types did but then saw that the numbers were gibberish. I then sort of had to tail off awkwardly and just say, 'we won, not sure how'.

Paradox added this feature with CK3, so this is entirely their fault.

The total' don't match the numbers below and apparently Ged's army killed a different number of people that the enemy lost, and vice-versa.

It's very strange.

I can only assume some random peasants wandered onto the battlefield and got killed by accident. Or perhaps they are counting cows as 'kills'? Certainly I understand most Irish lords valued their cattle far higher than their peasants.

Mm...yes and no. As covered in Lancaster, the Irish (and most saxons not in cities) were still foragers most of the time, farming a few specific crops mostly for specific things like wine and beer.

A cow is still very valuable of course. I can't imagine the armies slaughtering cattle, too valuable for loot. Killing random peasants who came to watch/lived nearby makes sense, but its hilariously dark if paradox has decided to start counting the people both armies killed on the way to the battleground as 'enemy combatants killed'. Did Sweden ever sign the Geneva convention?

The stabby intruder even seemed clear enough to me, Ged stabbed a would-be-assassin to death while his wife just... watched... him do it from the window.

Yes but the assassin and the wife were both at the window. The same window.

Why a female assassin? Well as established Ged is "Lightening under the sheets" and nothing makes a woman more excited than a man who can float under very specific circumstances, so it was clearly a jealous rival who decided is she couldn't have floaty-Ged no-one could and tried to puncture him.

The readership have spoken. Someone is out to get Ged, for whatever reason. He's still just as sane as we are. For now.

A child born of lust, blood, passion, jealousy, murder, blood, voyeurism and highly situational leviation. And blood. I expect great things of that child.

We called them Ged.

 

[DensleyBlair]

That racist granny holding forth about migrants while crossing the channel in a small boat feels a bit on the nose.

 

[alscon]

Isn't it great that it just takes one pilgrimage to convince everyone that despite your murderous intentions and crazy witch wife, you are a dutiful Catholic?
Enough to use the "special pilgrimage return teleporter", at least.

And Urraka doesn't stop. I am fairly certain that the intruder was Urraka herself, to get Ged to stab her, then use her sorcery to suddenly appear at the window, ready to protect Ged from herself. Where's the intruder's body?

In terms of gameplay, I do believe that Ged wasn't subject to a murder plot, but rather a romance plot from his wife. As obsessed as she is about him, she wanted to turn him into her soulmate. That's probably good news for Ged as she appears not to have any plans with his soul (for now).

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

That racist granny holding forth about migrants while crossing the channel in a small boat feels a bit on the nose.

.
A cheap shot for a swede. If they start adding in brexit jokes, we'll know its deliberate and not just a lack of self-awareness

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Isn't it great that it just takes one pilgrimage to convince everyone that despite your murderous intentions and crazy witch wife, you are a dutiful Catholic?
Enough to use the "special pilgrimage return teleporter", at least.

It was a strange teleporter. They haven't quite got international set-up range yet but certainly enough to knock off two months from a three month trip.

And Urraka doesn't stop. I am fairly certain that the intruder was Urraka herself, to get Ged to stab her, then use her sorcery to suddenly appear at the window, ready to protect Ged from herself. Where's the intruder's body?

They probably took it to bed with them, or left it to cool as they shagged. It's not entirely clear.

In terms of gameplay, I do believe that Ged wasn't subject to a murder plot, but rather a romance plot from his wife. As obsessed as she is about him, she wanted to turn him into her soulmate. That's probably good news for Ged as she appears not to have any plans with his soul (for now).

Yeah I think it was the end of a romance seduction plot line, just a very strange and badly written one.

Well done paradox

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

CK3 has been out for a few weeks now. How is everyone getting on with it? Thoughts? Random peeves? Irrational hatreds? Spunky monkey happy thoughts? Anyone else played the tutorial even? Differences on time periods etc...

I'm interested to hear your thoughts, and I imagine Paradox is too (I know you are watching. I have finally infiltrated your offices. Apparently).

 

[El Pip]

CK3 has been out for a few weeks now. How is everyone getting on with it? Thoughts? Random peeves? Irrational hatreds? Spunky monkey happy thoughts? Anyone else played the tutorial even? Differences on time periods etc...

I'm interested to hear your thoughts, and I imagine Paradox is too (I know you are watching. I have finally infiltrated your offices. Apparently).

Not played it but I did see a video where someone found a mildly amusing bug/exploit/thing you can do that Paradox probably didn't want you to;

Go down the Intrigue skill trees and get 'Kidnapper' skill. Start a plot to kidnap someone you want to go to war with (there appears to be no limit on this, Ged could plot to Kidnap the Byzantine Emperor and still get a decent success chance). Once you get the plot ready to launch screen appear, push it to one side and declare war. Then click on the still open plot window to kidnap your enemy. Having kidnapped them, they become your prisoner and thus the war is over, so you can enforce peace on your 'captured' opponent.

Need to play silly buggers a bit with Hooks on people to increase the success chance of the kidnap, if not you could accidentally find yourself at war if the kidnap fails, but still fun to see it play out.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Go down the Intrigue skill trees and get 'Kidnapper' skill. Start a plot to kidnap someone you want to go to war with (there appears to be no limit on this, Ged could plot to Kidnap the Byzantine Emperor and still get a decent success chance). Once you get the plot ready to launch screen appear, push it to one side and declare war. Then click on the still open plot window to kidnap your enemy. Having kidnapped them, they become your prisoner and thus the war is over, so you can enforce peace on your 'captured' opponent.

When the kingdom of Ireland gets set up, we'll try this with some stupid big country. Maybe we'll start a legend of the Dread Pirate kings of Ned.

Need to play silly buggers a bit with Hooks on people to increase the success chance of the kidnap, if not you could accidentally find yourself at war if the kidnap fails, but still fun to see it play out.

Hooks are a bit silly. Ged gets one implanted into him by truly stupid circumstances and courtier incompetence. And that is how a 4 year old ended up defeating me in a treaty negotiation.

 

[HistoryDude]

I think that those people who didn't die to Ged's army probably died due to bad weather or their own incompetence. Wouldn't be the first time, historically...

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

I think that those people who didn't die to Ged's army probably died due to bad weather or their own incompetence. Wouldn't be the first time, historically...

Very possibly.

Jokey names are still in from the random courtier arrivals. Adding onto our aptly named mercenary caption is Yihaf, our new banker from the tropics. The scene just writes itself really.

 

[Nikolai]

Very possibly.

Jokey names are still in from the random courtier arrivals. Adding onto our aptly named mercenary caption is Yihaf, our new banker from the tropics. The scene just writes itself really.

Lovely.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Lovely.

Probably the highlight of my very short third bit of game time. We're nearly finished from the second round but haven't managed to make much more stuff. Game was very slow and jittery, but we did manage to get that new guy (no idea if I'll end up using him, he just randomly showed up and after a week someone let him through the front gate...I really need to check security) and Ged successfully lived long enough for me to justify giving him pure white hair to complete his Merlin look.

Unfortunate that he is now viewed as disgusting by the international community but you have to break a few skulls to beat some men to death!

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Update: my game is working again so when I have time I will find out how geds nightmare ends.

All my children have become gambling addicts. I don't know why.

I'm thinking to end this when ged eventually dies (not sure when that will be) and then play a bit more to see if anything interesting happens. If needs be, could always timeskip a few hundred years to see how everything ended up. As its my first ever ck3 game, I would quite like to record the end for posterity.

It would be just my and Ged's luck for him to turn immortal now...

 

[Wraith11B]

Well, I've finally caught up (because... you know... Paradox and their models of Internet and Game Efficiency) and can with certainty say that this is hilarious.

Queue up the various overused memes of people doing "WTAF" faces...

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Well, I've finally caught up (because... you know... Paradox and their models of Internet and Game Efficiency)

You may use whatever excuse you wish, but your name is still going on the List.

and can with certainty say that this is hilarious.

...with a potential exemption, if you post citations.

Queue up the various overused memes of people doing "WTAF" faces...

Oh yes, if the AAR is one thing, it is a gathering of people being in various stages of confusion/denial about what the game in front of us is doing.

I do want to point out that *cough* playtesters gets autocorrected to plasterers *cough*. So I haven't heard from any of them about what happened. I have however, heard from someone allegedly from the dev team. But who knows with these sorts of things? I doubt even if they are reading, anyone would ever admit to being PTM.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Ged’s Family Issues​

It all seems to be coming together for our Ged. He is the strongest Irish lord in Ireland. The richest man in Britannia. And, since that little incident with the mysterious assassin last time, enjoying a ferocious sex life with a woman who redefines obsession.

Ged is happy. This is not good at all.

The readership demands pain, Ged. They want you to suffer, Ged. You don’t want to disappoint the readership, do you Ged? Some of them are fully functioning members of society. The rest are regulars.

We need to kick things up a bit, my minion. Buddy. Honey. Love-muffin.

Hang on, Urraka is on the council permanently. What can she do?

Finally, you can order your wife to do stuff! This is the progress we needed...​

Giving her the keys to the kingdom and the treasure chest seems like the best thing to do. I mean, she was doing it anyway, so we might as well make it official. I like the courtyard she built. Might as well see if she can get the Irish to build something else.

Like a house. That would be nice. At the moment Ged has to sleep in a shack. And the peacocks from the courtyard guarded keep him awake.

Right, so we have given the witch unchecked power on a council of incompetents, aside from the bishop, who is never here because I have him busy committing fraud. I wonder what he’s going to do once we’ve conquered Ireland?

I can’t see him preaching, to be honest.

Watch this space​

Anyway, the married couple are soulmates now. They are in love, and staying that way. Nothing can change that. It’s like Disney romance songs are constantly playing in their heads.

Bit dull and hellish if you ask me, but it grants me another slave, and a competent one at that, so I’m happy.

[My PC ate this image of PTM being a prick about Debt. Just imagine it,
or, if you prefer, a happy kitten. In fact, let's have that instead!]

Aww. They're coming to get ya, PTM! They're gunna get ya!​

Oh. I think I may have spent all Ged’s money. And the Pope is busy today, probably on Capri pretending not to notice what his Cardinals are doing with the pool boys.

As PTM very solemnly says, this is very bad. Very bad indeed. I can’t quite take it seriously though, given how happy the bastard seems to be about it.

This is extremely OP, btw​

Fortunately, mercenaries are now on a contract and thus, essentially, my minions until the term runs out. Seriously, no joke, before governments checked this sort of thing, contracts were utterly evil.

Now they are only mostly tools of Satan.

Either Mercia just got independence for five minutes or that duke owns a shit-ton of England.
Either way, it's not good news for Normandy​

Dublin is my only rival on the island now. Well, them and the effing Welsh. I think they’ve read my CK2 stories and know what I usually do to Wales given half the chance. Arseholes. They will rue the day they attempted to prevent a god burning their country down for sport.

Anyway, Dublin is in my way. I want their capital for my capital. I want their other county as well-

Wait, what the heck happened to England? Never mind, that’s a Paradox problem.

As if there could be any other choice...​

My minion has given birth to a son. And PTM named him after his father. Long may he carry the noble name of Ged Ned, of Ned. Long may he serve my every whim and desire.

To Ged Junior, my readers! I can’t possibly see any problems with him living to his adulthood.

Dear God, WHY WON'T YOU BREED!!!​

Oh bollocks.

And the game is ahead of me for once. We still can’t murder our own kids on purpose. This was something I hoped they were going to fix in CK3. Stupid swedes.

Mind you, I’m not sure if I mind Ged taking over instead of Brian. He’s a moron, and he still hasn’t had any kids with his very sexyfull wife. He doesn’t even have the balls to be out and out homosexual. At least give some excuse mate. Your mother is a witch and an atheist, for God’s sake. Have some balls. Then put them…never mind.

The real mystery is where the Irish got the cider from.
Maybe some industrious farmer stole some pear or apple trees from the English?
I support this.
This is good.​

Ged is too busy to celebrate or despair over his pair of boys. The mercenary band are being a bit rowdy. Or rather, they’ve burnt down three of the four bars in my entire realm.

I am naturally furious. These are the biggest taxpayers in the country. Ged must do something. Naturally, they pale before his arm waving and shouting, so much so that they not only leave but Ged levels up!

Bar brawls, making conquering cheaper! Since 1060-whatever...​

He’s so good for a shout and wave that people won’t argue too much when he says that land over there is totally his and always was. This makes it cheaper for our bishop friend to fake the documents. Which is nice because we’re still in debt. I do hope nobody else disturbs Ged’s drinking. That would-

I recognise him from the silly walk! Must...resist...obvious...reference...​

It is deeply embarrassing when your own nephew is not only cowardly enough to flee from his post that he asked you for but also to flee in front of you, and all your men. Ged is thus very embarrassed. The rest of us try not to snicker.

There is a chance of them fighting us off but let’s be real here, Ged is a big lad. His lads are big lads. These deserters are so pussy-footed they are scared to fight the Irish, a people so determined to kill themselves that they slowly walk into the sea over a period of several days.

Who are these children he speaks of? We're a tribal warband, we don't forcibly conscript anyone to fight for us...​

We can just kill them all. We can also bore them to death with stories about honour and duty. Ged is pretty good with speeches and shouting so that might work.

But I am in charge, and this is Ged’s Existential Nightmare. To the poop pit with them!

Ged grows strong with their disgust and hatred. It fills him. He feasts upon the cries of the damned​

And they shovelled shit till the end of time. Or for a few weeks. Then the poo was gone, and they were very smelly.

A lesson was learned, over that time, I think. A lesson on humility, and justice, and honour. And digestion.

Umm...okay?​

Ged also learnt how to get people to march people…from this? Did they have to march through the poo? Does marching through poo help? Did the poo help, Ged?

Do you…do you want some poo, Ged? Will it make you happy?

Yes...I can see why we need to know this​

I have no idea why, but the people of whatistname have renounced the pope and Catholicism. Whatever.

And now it's cheaper, thanks to heavy drinking and some poo!​

Oh, thank God, someone is doing their job properly. Well, let’s get on with our conquest of Ireland. Thank goodness everything is at least being managed well at home. There’s no way Urraka can-

Everything we just did was pointless!​

Shit.

For God’s sake, we’ve just sat through pages and pages of you lusting after Ged. Who did you shack up with now? I must send my legion of trained spider monkey agents to find out the Truth!

Shit. The spider monkeys have escaped. I knew I should have broken their legs. Now we’ll have to rely on the Irish. And they’re…shit.

My useless spymaster at work. At least he'll NEVER cock up again...​

Well, this is awkward.

Umm…ok. Right. So, it turns out the woman who has sex with Ged every night…is carrying Ged’s child. You people are a bunch of idiots. Right…how do we resolve this?

Ah, the way we usually do.

Here we go down to Dublin town, Dublin town, Dublin town.
Here we go down to Dublin town
to burn the fucker down​

Let’s burn down Dublin. We need to make some space for the wife’s garden. Ged needs to buy her a lot of flowers.

Battle commences and the results continue to make no sense, but we won regardless. Apparently, Ged is related to this Dublin chap, which might make it awkward if we ever have to kill him. However, I reassure him that he is now an award-winning character on the CK forums, which means he can literally get away with murder. He can also fuck his sister, if he wants.

I don’t know whether he has a sister. I’m not a very good friend to him, to be honest.

See? Apparently, I missed him sleeping with his wife in the middle of battle again. Those two…honestly, the kids are going to end up with serious issues being conceived and raised in such conditions.

Death becomes him​

We win. We take his wife hostage. We take his daughter hostage. We lock both of them in prison and threaten them with various nasty implements and prospects of no bail. Or charges for that matter.

I own Dublin now. This is my new empire and I’m building a wall around it. I’ll get Urraka to make us a nice courtyard and gardens to have all the outdoor events shot in, and a nice hall for interior shots. Everywhere else is a shack.

Paint the map green​

Not bad going if I do say so myself. The kingdom is coming together, Ged is very happily married, Urraka is constantly pregnant…life is good. Hard to believe I’ve been running this glee club for just under eight years. I feel like celebrating, with someone else’s money.

I'll actually miss this Pope when he's gone. Wonder who'll replace him?​

Perfect! Drinks are on the Pope, guys!

Thus, began the Church’s tumultuous and oftentimes frightening relationship with Dublin’s nightlife. Sadly however, one cannot drink forever. And Ged and I have been ignoring the outside world for too long.

Everyone left in Ireland has noticed that a long-haired maniac wants to eat their land, and so have taken the cowards route and shacked up with much stronger allies to protect them. Now, we must take them all down anyway.

So, what have we learnt today?

• Paradox don’t do math. Or maths. But they like writing numbers.
• How to move a capital county. After several dozen google searches…
• Urraka is NOT a cheating hussy. She loves the G. So much she’s naming all her kids that.
• You can learn a lot by shovelling shit.
• Ged Junior is damned, just as much as Ged is. Probably more so.

Next Time, I sell off Ged’s children for fun and profit. Ged gets his balls handed to him by a four-year-old (but not like that). We take a brief and unfocused look at a few random bits of the world. And we all begin to realise how fucked up this inevitable succession crisis is going to be.

Till then, venerable readers, goodnight, and pray for Ged (both of them).

 

[stnylan]

You know this is actually a pretty decent satire of certain ... elements, of release CK3

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

You know this is actually a pretty decent satire of certain ... elements, of release CK3

...go on?