The Bad Beginning (Again)
This was Ged, of Ned. He’s the standard tutorial character for CK3. And a year ago, we completely ruined his life.
Fortunately, there were some perks along the way. It turned out even I wasn’t as big of a bastard as the Paradox Tutorial Maker (PTM), whom we later discovered/embodied as a psychotic white rabbit with a thirst for Man-flesh.
Ged also had an extremely loving and…um…passionate relationship with his wife, whom was never proven to be a witch. He had several children, many of who were disappointments, and one who seemingly just came from nowhere before the game even started. That was Brian, who was doomed to star in a failed AAR project of his own…
Swiftly moving on, Ireland prospered, Wales didn’t, and eventually Ged died an old man (well, in his early sixties), peacefully on top of a hill in southern France. Some people have even described it as poignant; Which was very nice of them.
Anyway, the spirit of Ged was then dragged through many an adventure with PTM and TBC (a gentleman), none of which will be recounted here. Suffice to say that eventually, the trio got bored and started thinking…dangerous thoughts. Thoughts like taking Frankenstein as less a warning and more an instruction manual…
Thanks to the new and improved character designer, all many of freak and monster can be created in CK3. And I know, because I have created and discarded many in the prep for this AAR, which you will have seen in the previous chapter.
Yes, very interesting stuff. Eventually, a body was formed, though given one of the designers was a deranged rabbit, it did not quite manage to scale the Uncanny Valley.
We at TBC Productions proudly present Ged 2.0! A gigantic hulk of a man, spanning nearly eight feet in height and about as wide. With yellowed eyes and pitch-black flowing hair, we are indeed channelling the Creature for all Mary Shelley’s worth. However, given that the designer grants unlimited power to the player, we decided that Ged should be thrown a bone, and given everything conceivably good to start with.
He's a genius, a herculean, a beautiful man inside and out. Astoundingly attractive, astonishingly skilled, he can tear through a philosophical debate like castle walls. He’s a poet, a musician, a hunter, a dancer, a lover, a fighter and so much more besides.
Quite simply, he is the best.
Also, we made him Latin, obsessed with Rome, and convinced of the veracity of the one true faith: Hellenism.
What, you thought it would be that simple? We’re throwing a titan, a god, down upon the Irish and observing the results.
The world will know the name Ned, mark my words…
And if you want to know his backstory, as in what he was factiously doing in the ’16 years’ before his creation and usurpation of the Munster Chiefdom…well, this is an interesting (read: bullshit) story:
Born into the purple, predating the term by a few decades at least, the young babe escaped from the Imperial Palace of Constantinople by covering himself in fish slime and swimming to freedom. He never quite forgot his roots however, and always thereafter considered himself a Roman of the old tradition. Ged did not forgive God for his birth however, and swore off any and all present practicing religions as false and demeaning to the human spirit. Alone he travelled throughout the lands, learning to fight and command in the steamy jungles of India, how to meditate by the monks of Tibet, and how to slay mad pussy by many different sources, of many different persuasions.
Eventually, he returned to Europe as an adventurer, where he was kidnapped/seduced by pirates, and proceeded to seduce/kidnap the entire crew to his side. He then became a renown raider, warrior poet and philosopher, legendary for his lectures and fighting spirit (often performed simultaneously). He took a break from war and sailing to serve as a bodyguard for the Imperial Royal Family for a time, before escaping arrest, having somehow bedded every single (adult and consenting) member of the Imperial Court in one night.
Alone and penniless once more, he joined a cult to some desert demon that briefly ruled a great swathe of land in sub-Saharan Africa, before being run off by Muslims and angry natives. He also during this time became a travelling doctor and wound up in Baghdad, working for the Caliph as an engineer, architect and friendly neighbourhood torturer. He left the Islamic world when his old Viking raiding party found him quite by accident (having gotten seriously lost on the way back from Iceland). Their adventures have since passed into folklore and mythology, with one source claiming that he served as the lover and shieldmaiden of a Swedish king (without the king noticing anything peculiar) for some several weeks, before stealing most everything not nailed down and finally fleeing across the North Sea to Blighty.
Unfortunately, England did not yet exist, and was constantly being attacked and under threat of forced colonisation (ironically) by Norsemen. Wishing to stay clear of any Viking associates for now, Ged kept moving further and further west, till he crossed the Irish Sea and ended up lost in Munster.
He then became chief of the tribe by killing every other man eligible in a drinking contest, and then strangled his court bishop when the latter accused him of heresy (we’ll get to that).
…
This story may or may not have been entirely accurate.
Anyway…the game has begun!
Fashionista is clearly not one of Ged's many, many talents...
Alright, first of all we need to cloth this monster. Ged is not the best dresser by nature, as anyone who remembers the last time will agree. We find him by default wearing disgusting and unflattering robes, the colour of pig manure.
Oh Ged, we have so much work to do.
He's actually too tall for a crown. His own head barely fits into frame on the character screen.
That’s better. Now he’s a properly dressed and civilised individual, we can go about proving his insane theories and religious beliefs true. It will not be easy. No one in Ireland speaks Latin, for one. No one bar monks that is, and I don’t think they are ready to hear the Good News that their religion is bunk.
We’re going to have to be even more silver-tonged than we already are for this to work (given that we are, essentially, a monstrous looking foreigner who doesn’t speak Irish, and a heretic to boot!).
If we cannot convert, we must create. We will breed an army of supermen and women to wash out the masses of the unholy and unworthy. Eventually. It may take a while.
Ged is definitely re-writing history a little here, as all great conquerors do. He has no established bloodline, so he'll make his own. And then make up his family history anyway! Would-be world conquerors, take note.
PTM clearly appreciates and recognises the ‘Strength of Ned’ however, and gives our entire bloodline a boost to fertility and genetic traits. Eugenics is alive and well in CK3, and by the middle of Ged’s reign (spoiler alert!) there are going to be a lot of very strong, attractive and freaking huge people running around.
Note the sole Viking settlement in Dublin. This may or may not become a problem later...we of course are the green ones.
This is Ireland, incidentally. We’re probably going to burn it to the ground and build it back up again real soon, so take a good look.
Ged’s faith and culture grants him all sorts of special powers. He can divine the stars (not that there is any naval navigation in the game, but I suppose it helps in other ways). He can hold ‘mystical communions with the Divine’, which for the moment is PTM in a wig (shhh! Don’t tell anyone!). And he can do the usual pilgrimage, hunting, feasting, writing in a diary, etc, etc.
You know, maybe we should look at this religion we’ve randomly decided to convert this world into.
Ireland is totally Insular in faith, aside from the random pagan worshippers in Dublin. And that one crazy weirdo in Munster who think's he's Roman.
Hmm. So, we have a great deal of advantages over the Christians. I control my ‘Church’ pretty much absolutely. Divorce is always allowed (that will be fun!), and look at that! Marriage and concubines. Plural. That army of children may happen sooner than I thought.
So here we are, one year of CK3 in and a whole wealth of experience on how to dish out punishment…that is, enjoyable and intriguing gameplay, out on this new Ged. One county, no one else in my culture or religion, no money or prestige, and the whole world is against me.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Today, we have learnt:
That the character designer should really be used more often in AARs. It’s ridiculous how many options the player has now.
The next character I create is going to be an absolute wretch of a creature.
CK3 is still fully convinced you can breed a human smarter, as well as stronger.
Rome being our main pilgrimage site is going to be super awkward…
Ged is damned, as ever. But now he has a confusing backstory and untapped power. What happens when a constantly abused man gets unlimited power? Let’s find out!
Till then, goodnight, dear readers, and sacrifice your preferred mammal for Ged.
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